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Episode One | Episode Two | Chairman of the Bored | Chairman of the Bored II | Smeared Window | Episode Six | Gosh Golly Gee, Maddie | Cold Feet, Warm Heart | Episode Nine | Episode Ten | Dog...Cat...Man...Woman | She's a Little Bit Country, He's a Little Bit R&B | Episode Thirteen | Scenes of the Crime | The Wedding: Part One | The Wedding: Part Two | The Wedding: Part Three | Episode Nineteen | Episode Twenty | Maximum Insecurity | Hooked on a Feeling
Chairman of the Bored
VIRTUAL SIXTH SEASON
Exterior shot of Blue Moon Office – the interior is dark. A ringing phone, and then the click of an answering machine. We hear Agnes DiPesto’s voice.
Blue Moon Detective Agency
Were you betting against us?
We’re happy to say
We’ve gotten the writers
To see it YOUR way.
It’s comedy, drama,
And romance galore,
With yelling, and fighting
With each slamming door.
Yes, we’ve dodged the bullet,
And that is the reason
We’ll give you WHATEVER
You want in this season !!
INTRO MUSIC AND CREDITS
Exterior of elevator….the bell rings, and the doors open to reveal Agnes, Herbert, and the rest of the Blue Moon office staff. They stand there mesmerized, and watch as the doors close on them. At the last minute, a hand catches the door and pushes it back open.
AGNES: OK, everybody, let’s go. If you don’t hurry, we’ll miss the coffee cart.
The others grumble and moan, but follow her lead down the hallway. She opens the door to Blue Moon and they all file in – placing themselves at their desks in various positions of repose – looking sleepy, bored, disinterested.
AGNES: I haven’t seen them looking this way in ages………looking so….I don’t know…so out of it , I guess.
BERT: Agnes, can you blame them. I know you’ve noticed how things have become around here – deadly dull. No excitement, no anticipation, no fun!! This is turning into a real job – and I’m not sure some of them are ready for that.
The camera pans the vacant faces…..yawning, eyes blinking…..
The door opens and Maddie enters
MADDIE: (enthusiastically) Good morning everyone!!
MADDIE: I said, good morning everyone!!!
STAFF: (mumbles and groans)
MADDIE: It’s a great day with much to accomplish. How can we be unhappy on such a day?
They stare at her as if she had three heads.
MADDIE: Miss DiPesto, what’s on the agenda for today?
AGNES: We need to do some background checks for our department store client, and there’s lots of filing…..
MADDIE: See…lots to accomplish. (She looks at the faces) Not excited, I see?
They all shake their heads NO.
MADDIE: Well, sometimes that happens. We have to do the grunt work, too. I know we’re all disappointed that the Anselmo case fell through, after all your hard work. But hey..that’s life…gotta pick yourself up and get back in the race. Cheer up, things will be better. Just wait and see.
She exits into her office. The staff stares at her closed door, and in unison, gives her a well executed raspberry!
BERT: Agnes, I have to say – I kind of agree with them.
AGNES: But you know how things are around here. You and I have got to help hold things together until THEY (she gestures at the two office doors) figure out their nitwit relationship.
BERT: But what do you think we should do??
AGNES: I wish I knew –I wish I could figure out what what’s going on between them. Well, at least Annie’s gone. And Mr. Addison doesn’t seem unhappy.
BERT: But he doesn’t seem happy either. But then again, you never know with him. He’s the best cover-up agent I know.
AGNES: Yeah, he doesn’t seem happy. ‘Cause now it’s back to “them” again – no distractions. But it’s odd – too quiet—no yelling, no slamming doors. Something’s going on…….
The door opens and David enters, looking solemn. But when he catches his audience, he is “ON” – gyrating and singing
DAVID: Birds do it, bees do it, even educated fleas do it. Let’s do it, let’s fall in love.
DAVID: Morning , troops!!
He looks at Agnes
DAVID: Somebody come through here with a tranquilizer gun?
She shakes her head NO.
DAVID: C’mon mis amigos, you look like you’re prepping for the big dirt nap. Rise and shine – up and at ‘em!!
DAVID: Who’s got the football? Up for a game of two hand touch? C’mon Jurgenson, you can be the designated toucher!!
Jurgenson waves him away and puts his head down on the desk.
DAVID: This could be serious. I might need to appeal to a higher power. Is the lady in waiting??
DAVID: We’ll just see about this. (He looks over at the staff). No, really, don’t get up!!!
David walks to Maddie’s door, grabs the knob, and stops short. After a moment’s consideration, he raises his hand and knocks three times.
MADDIE: (through the door) Come in.
She looks up, incredulous, to see it is David who knocked.
MADDIE: Was that you?
DAVID: You who?
MADDIE: You, you…..did you KNOCK on my door?
DAVID: Well, I felt it was important to show a little decorum.
DAVID: Decorum, manners, dignity.
MADDIE: Who are you and what have you done with David Addison? And could you postpone sending the ransom note?
DAVID: Seriously, Maddie.
MADDIE: I don’t believe I’ve ever heard you start a sentence with “seriously” before.
DAVID: I’m looking for a mature way to start a discussion with you.
MADDIE: (a hint of amusement in her eyes) Pray tell, do continue.
DAVID: I’m sure you got a gander at that bunch of stiffs in the outer office.
MADDIE: I assume you are talking about our employees. I did sense some rigor mortis setting in.
DAVID: I know these people and this is not like them.
MADDIE: Sitting at their desks doing nothing is not like them? I beg to differ with you.
DAVID: Maddie, I know you’re more observant than that. We had really gotten a rhythm going here – you, me, all of them. But it’s gone – all of a sudden we’ve got more statuary
out there than in the Louvre.
MADDIE: What happened?
DAVID: What do YOU think happened?
MADDIE: Well, the Anselmo case –when it fell apart…………..
David interrupts her, clearly angry
DAVID: Don’t give me the Anselmo case. Another excuse…you know they take their cues from us – every word, every move – they hang on them. It’s what they do.
MADDIE: Addison, what’s your point?
DAVID: We need to shoot the elephant.
MADDIE: What elephant?
DAVID: You know about the elephant in the middle of the room?
(She shakes her head NO)
DAVID: There’s this big elephant in the middle of the room – awkward and clumsy – but nobody discusses it. So it just sits there getting in the way, until somebody decides to acknowledge that it’s there.
MADDIE: (staring intently) Is there an elephant in this room?
DAVID: (quietly) There could be a whole herd.
MADDIE: All right, Jiminy Cricket, what’s the deal with Dumbo??
DAVID: Are you going to talk to me – no, don’t say it – I mean REALLY talk to me?
About what we did – and what we’re going to do?
MADDIE: To which WHAT WE DID are you referring – to the little scene in my bathroom?
DAVID: (puzzled) Well, yes, what did you think I meant?
MADDIE: Well, maybe the WHAT YOU DID – sleeping with my very married cousin!!
DAVID: I knew we’d get around to this. What bugs you…the married part, or the cousin part?
MADDIE: Or how about the sleeping part.? God, I can’t believe you don’t know –what bothers me is the MY part…I mean the ME part – you deliberately pursued that relationship to hurt me -- if you needed another woman, there are millions in the world.
Why did you need to keep me in the middle? It hurt, David, a lot.
DAVID: Can you honestly believe that I deliberately took up with Annie to hurt you. Is that what you think of me?
MADDIE: I truly don’t know what to believe any more. But it was quite a coincidence.
DAVID: Well, PAL, I can honestly tell you that if I had felt there was any hope for us at all, I wouldn’t have looked at another woman, Annie or otherwise.
David sits across from her and reaches for her hand
DAVID: (almost whispering) Annie was a mistake.
MADDIE: (pulling her hand back) David, how could you not know that before? I need to make you understand this….the fact of Annie was bad enough, but that you could not, would not understand that being with her would hurt me more than anything is something that I can’t forget.
DAVID: Can’t forget or can’t forgive??
MADDIE: Both, I think. David, I just can’t go one more round with you. Some people bring out the best in each other………..we bring out the worst!!! I don’t like the person you’ve been in the last few months. I don’t like the person I’VE been in the last few months. Maybe we’re beating a dead elephant here!!
DAVID: So that’s that?
MADDIE: At least for now, I think so. Of course, our working relationship will continue on as usual.
DAVID: As usual…..HA! So explain something to me…what happened the other night in your bathroom?
MADDIE: Do you want me to deny that I feel something for you? I can’t, I won’t – I’m tired of playing these games. David, you can push my buttons like nobody else on earth. But hear me very clearly – I don’t like it. And I can’t be sure of you.
DAVID: Can’t be sure of me?
MADDIE: Can’t be sure of you. In plain English, I don’t trust you. How can I be certain of any promises, any commitments you would make when you don’t understand my feelings and my needs? You may have feelings for me, and I may have feelings for you, and we may run a semi-successful business together, but do you really know me? Do you really respect me?
DAVID: This is one of the most ridiculous situations I’ve ever encountered...everywhere I look, there’s a roadblock.
MADDIE: Some natural and some man-made. So you climb over them, drive around or take another path. I’m not saying never, David. But I’m saying I can’t leap before I look. If we ever get together in this lifetime, we’ve got a lot of work to do.
DAVID: And here we go again. You wonder why the viewers are so confused –you make me crazy!! How many words have you got for wait, lady? And you think I’m going to play by YOUR rules again? Your rules never worked, and I was a fool to think I could ever play by them. So you can sit smugly behind that desk and ask me to work on your timetable again, but honey, it ain’t happening!!
He stalks towards the door.
DAVID: NO…no more conversation. I’m done, and I need to get out of here now.
MADDIE: I just wanted to tell you, I’ll think about the problem with the employees.
DAVID: Sure, business as usual. I don’t get you, lady.
MADDIE: And in a nutshell, that’s what this is all about. You might want to take a few minutes of your own time to decide what exactly it is that’s making you so angry.
DAVID: I’ll take plenty. And I’m taking the car.
MADDIE: What time will you pick me up in the morning?
DAVID: Let’s try something new…….how about you wait? Just see how long it takes.
He storms through the door, slamming it thoroughly. He attracts the attention of the almost comatose office staff. He strikes his normal, cocky pose as the group obviously hangs on his every word.
DAVID: Friends, Romans, Countrymen, lend me your ears…………..It’s Independence Day………….and I’m doin’ it my way.
He proceeds to the front door, barrels through, and slams it with all his strength. It becomes like a different office, people stir, rise and move around, whispering and gathering in small groups.
Agnes and Bert approach each other from opposite sides of the room. They meet in the middle, and slap hands in an exaggerated high five.
AGNES: They’re back!!!
Maddie Hayes is standing at the front entrance of her house. She checks her watch, then looks down the street.
With a squeal of brakes, the BMW pulls up to the curb in front of her and the passenger door flies open. The camera looks in to see an obviously unhappy David sitting rigidly behind the steering wheel.
Maddie pulls open the door, and enters the car. She glances over at David, nervously.
MADDIE: Good morning, David
DAVID: (Begrudgingly) Morning.
He swings the car out into traffic, then reaches over to raise the volume of the radio
ANNOUNCER: This is Jimmy Snow, Snow on the go at 8:26 AM. Keeping your drive time on the right track, with Frank and Nancy Sinatra and “Something Stupid”.
Maddie rolls her eyes and glances over at David who is furiously concentrating on the road.
RADIO: I know I stand in line, until you think you have the time
To spend an evening with me.
And if we go someplace to dance, I know that there’s a chance
You won’t be leaving with me.
And afterwards we drop into a quiet little place
And have a drink or two.
But then I go and spoil it all, by saying something stupid
Like: “I love you”.
I can see it in your eyes that you despise the same old lies
You heard the night before
And though it’s just a line to you, for me it’s true
And never seemed so right before.
Maddie sighs, then we begin to hear her thoughts
MADDIE: (voiceover) Just look at him sitting there…he’s so mad at me. It would be so easy – just to say the hell with it, and to jump into his arms. He thinks I don’t know how far he’s come – that I don’t understand that yesterday was his idea of making the ultimate commitment. Maybe I’m crazy – I’m taking a big chance that he might give up on me –“ too damned much trouble, Blondie” But it’s got to be right – he’s got to know. Until he gets it completely…understands my feelings and respects them –we can’t go any further.
I’m rooting for you, David – come just a little farther, please.
David looked at her with a curious expression .
MADDIE: (afraid she might have spoken aloud): Nothing
She fiddles with her seat belt, and does not notice David staring at her.
RADIO: I practice every day to find some clever lines to say
To make the meaning come through.
But then I think I’ll wait until the evening gets late
And I’m alone with you.
The time is right, your perfume fills my head, the stars get red
And oh the night’s so blue
And then I go and spoil it all, by saying something stupid
Like: “I love you”.
DAVID: (voiceover) So cool, calm. You’re a tough customer, lady. If I thought it would solve anything, I would just grab you and kiss you until your head was spinning.
I don’t think I can last much longer if we can’t work this out. Just tell me, show me what you want – and do it soon, so I don’t screw up again. I need you.
MADDIE: Did you say something?
MADDIE: David, I’m turning this off. I want to tell you about my idea.
She leans over and clicks the radio off.
MADDIE: Last night, I did some research on our morale problem…our office morale problem.
DAVID: Me too, I researched a six pack.
MADDIE: (smiling slightly) Not enough for a case?
David just shakes his head.
MADDIE: Well, here’s what I’ve come up with. I think the entire staff needs some revitalization.
MADDIE: Renewal, refreshment, even some recreation
DAVID: Are you looking for my RE—action?
MADDIE: Very quick, Addison…..just listen, will you?
DAVID: (smirking) I’m all ears, boss.
MADDIE: No, you’re a big part mouth – now listen. I have booked a weekend at the Seascape Inn in Santa Barbara. It’s a great resort with terrific facilities for a group dynamic session.
DAVID: Group dynamic session?
MADDIE: Team building and skill sharpening classes to………….
DAVID: Classes?? Are you playing with a full deck, babe? Nobody, but nobody is gonna give up their weekend to learn the ABC'S of things they already know….least of all me!!!
MADDIE: Thank goodness, you’re looking at this with an open mind. You’re the one who said we have a problem here.
DAVID: So let’s make it worse by making everybody work on a weekend.
MADDIE: There will be plenty of opportunities for recreation …They have beautiful pools, trails, and health club facilities.
DAVID: Explain to me again why you think this is important.
MADDIE: It’s a matter of trust, of becoming a team again. We all need to get that back again in our day to day relationships.
DAVID: How can you………. (he abruptly closes his mouth) Fine…you want it, I’m in. But you better let me be the one to break this to the employees.
MADDIE: David, this is important. I need your support.
DAVID: Maddie, you need more that my support. But you can count on it.
MADDIE: (Quietly) Thank you, David.
David pulls the car into the parking space and turns off the engine.
MADDIE: David, do we need to talk about anything else??
MADDIE: I just want you to know, I’m not shutting you out.
DAVID: Point taken
DAVID: Maddie, so help me, if you know what’s good for you………..
MADDIE: OK, OK I get it.
They leave the car and walk silently to the elevator.
Shot of outside elevator doors, they open and Maddie and David exit, and walk side by side to the office door, still in silence.
AGNES: Morning Miss Hayes, morning Mr. Addison.
MADDIE: Morning Agnes. Good morning everybody. Mr. Addison has what, I believe, is
a bit of good news for all of you.
She turns and smiles at David, and walks towards her office.
MADDIE: I leave this to your capable hands.
The staff looks expectantly at David.
DAVID: Hold on to your hats…………….wait’ll you hear what the big boss has cooked up for us. How would you like to spend an all expenses paid, fun in the sun weekend at the Seascape Inn?
The staff shows some signs of interest.
DAVID: At no cost, to you a luxury limo will pick us up here next Friday night at 6 PM to enjoy a glorious 3 days of rest and relaxation in one of the premier resorts on the California coast. Tennis, swimming, aerobics, adult movies in your rooms….who could ask for anything more? What d’ya say, folks, let’s have some fun, huh?
The room erupts, in singing, dancing and general excitement. Maddie comes out of her office to observe the uproar.
DAVID: See, Maddie, what did I tell you? You must be a genius. And wait till next Friday. It’ll only get better.
MADDIE: Thank you, David. I think this will be a good thing for us
Scene – the next Friday in front of the office building. Two large limos wait, as the staff begins to gather. They’re dressed in various types of sports clothes and carry all the equipment necessary for weekend fun --- boom boxes, inflatable pool toys, archery equipment, etc.etc. The general atmosphere is of a busload of kids taking off for camp. Several of the staff toss a Frisbee back and forth as Maddie and David approach.
MADDIE: David, what is this??
DAVID: Miss Hayes, your retreat awaits.
MADDIE: Are you sure that you explained this whole thing properly?
DAVID: Well, you know me, sometimes things just fall through the cracks.
MADDIE: Did you do this on purpose?
MADDIE: I could just kill you.
DAVID: (gesturing at the variety of items piled on the ground) Choose your weapons.
MADDIE: Ok everybody, let’s get loaded up. David ….You….over there (she points to
the other limo). We’ll meet when we get to the inn. Everybody sit down and fasten your seatbelts.
STAFF: (in unison) Yes, Miss Hayes.
Maddie disappears from view, as David stands smiling at the side of the other limo.
DAVID: (to himself) I wouldn’t miss this for all the bagels in Brooklyn.
He laughs and swings himself into the limo, closing the door behind him.
The interior of the “girls’” limo
Maddie, Agnes, Kris, Jamie, and Inez are seated. The atmosphere is strained to say the least.
Maddie looks around – assessing her surroundings, and sensing herself in enemy territory.
Maddie: OK ladies, I know that my car is not your choice of transportation. I know you think that you would rather be riding in Mr. Addison’s fun mobile. But I have brought some things to cheer you up.
The girls do not seem convinced, and when Maddie takes out a notebook and a pen, they realize that the trip may be worse than they envisioned.
Maddie: I thought it would be fun to talk about some of the seminars we will be attending this weekend…………
The women exchange amazed and dismayed looks, and start to whisper and grumble among themselves.
Maddie continues on….relentlessly hopeful.
Maddie: We can get a real leg up on the gentlemen if we start on this now. Here are some of the topics we’ll be reviewing – “How to Persuade Clients to Speak the Truth”, “Searching for Clues”, “Self Defense and……………..”
She is interrupted by loud beeping and shouting. The women hasten to lower the windows, and the “boys’” limo speeds into sight.
Out of every opening – windows and sunroof – pops one of the guys…..David, Bert, McGillicuddy, Jurgenson, O’Neill, and Simmons. They are wearing party hats and toasting with champagne.
The radio blasts and the men sing with their loudest voices….
“I’ve been a puppet, a pauper, a pirate, a poet, a pawn and a king
I’ve been up, and down, and over, and out, and I know one thing
Each time I find myself laying flat on my face,
I pick myself up and get back in the race….
Maddie reaches to the master console, and raises the windows.
The ladies now eye her with open hostility, as Maddie leans towards Agnes.
Agnes: Yes, Miss Hayes?
Maddie: I loathe that man.
Agnes: I know, Miss Hayes.
Maddie returns to reading aloud, not realizing that she has lost her audience completely, as they drift off into a defensive sleep.
Finally, two hours later, they arrive at the Seascape Inn. Maddie looks up.
Maddie: Oh great, here we are already. I suggest we all get a good night’s sleep, so we will be nice and fresh for the morning’s sessions.
She looks around and realizes that she is speaking to no one but Agnes, as all her restless captives have flown the coop.
Maddie: OK Agnes, it’s you and me….roomies.
Agnes sighs and looks wistfully at the others cavorting and laughing on their way into the Inn.
Agnes: Yes, Miss Hayes.
The next morning at the Seascape Inn…
Sunlight floods the room that Maddie and Agnes are sharing. Agnes looks up from her bed, blinking, to see Maddie, fully dressed, pulling back the drapes.
Maddie: Good morning, Miss DiPesto.
Agnes: Morning? Here, now? What time is it?
Maddie: It’s 6:45.
Agnes: In the morning? On a Saturday? Are there two 6:45s in a Saturday?
Maddie: Agnes, you are so funny. Look at the opportunities in a brand new day.
Agnes: Did you get ANY sleep last night?
Maddie: Of course. Did you sleep poorly?
Agnes: Not poorly…not at all!! Didn’t you hear what was going on out there all night?
(She gestures towards the door). The Contortionists’ Olympics??
Maddie: I guess it is a question of mind over matter, Miss DiPesto. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.
Agnes: Is this hearing loss recent, or something you’ve always had?
Maddie: Oh, Agnes…………well, I am going to get out of your way. I’ll meet you in the dining room for breakfast.
Maddie exits into the hallway, which obviously has been the scene of a recent party – evidenced by toilet paper streamers, half filled glasses and bottles, and a discarded pair of men’s boxer shorts, which she painstakingly avoids.
As she heads for the elevator, a door opens down the hall, and David emerges, heading for the elevator as well. He spots her, and hesitating for the briefest of moments, breaks into song:
David: Just what makes that little old ant
Think he’ll move that rubber tree plant
Anyone knows an ant can’t
Move a rubber tree plant.
But he’s got high hopes
He’s got high hopes
He’s got high apple pie
In the sky hopes.
He reaches the elevator just as the door opens.
David: Perfect timing. Morning, partner. Look at you – up and at ‘em . Ready to face a brand new day.
Maddie: Well, aren’t you in fine spirits?
David: I won the three legged race last night. Wanna see my prize?
Maddie: Restrain yourself, Addison.
David: Are we starting the recreational activities now?
Maddie: I give up. Did you make sure that all the employees have their schedules for the meetings?
David: Sure did, and I have to tell you, they were pretty popular items during the midnight paper airplane race.
The elevator reaches the ground floor. They both exit, and head to the dining room, Maddie in the lead.
Maddie enters, and sits at an empty table. She registers surprise as David continues past her, and joins a large, rowdy table full of the employees. She regains her composure instantly.
We see her eating her solitary breakfast – alternately staring at her plate, and gazing across at the large gathering on the opposite side of the room. The party seems to continue from the previous night as occasional bursts of laughter, and loud voices are heard.
The camera closes in on a pensive Maddie as:
MADDIE’S THEME PLAYS
Open on a conference room, obviously set up for a meeting. A blackboard and a podium are at the front of the room. Binders, pens, and pencils are positioned at each table.
The Blue Moon staff is seated at three tables.
Table 1. David – leaning back in his chair with his feet propped up.
Table 2. Bert and Agnes
Table 3. the staff
Maddie enters the room, her arms overflowing with notebooks and supplies. With a disdainful look at David, she positions herself on the other side of his table.
An older woman in her late fifties, enters the classroom. David leans over to Bert and whispers.
David: Oh great, Jessica Fletcher is gonna teach me how to be a better detective.
The teacher takes her place at the front of the room. Maddie looks like an eager student on the first day of school.
Teacher: Hello, my name is JoAnna Fisher. Good morning everyone. I’m glad to see that you all had a good evening. We would like to start today with a seminar entitled “Know Your Client”.
David: Is that know in the biblical sense?
Teacher: No, Mr. Addison, “Know Your Client” will help us to develop some of the skills necessary to interview prospective clients and to assess their needs.
David: How did you know my name?
Teacher: (flirtatiously) Everyone knows who you are, Mr. Addison. The whole staff is talking about you.
David: I guess my legendary charm has preceded me.
Maddie glares at David as he flirts with the teacher.
Teacher: (ignoring him) First, in your manuals, we will be starting with section one – Appearances are Deceiving.
Everyone reluctantly reaches for the binders.
Teacher: There are some key points to getting to know a client. It is extremely important that we do not jump to conclusions about appearances. What is most important is not the appearances, but the information that said client can give us.
David: HA-HA!! Does all of this information come from your vast experience at
The teacher seems unbothered by David, and instead looks intrigued.
Teacher: No need to be rude. What do you mean?
David: You can’t fool me, sister. You ARE Jessica Fletcher…….and to my recollection, you have been cancelled. You can’t tell me how to be a detective.
The camera pans the group. Agnes fidgets nervously, while Bert scans the room, whistling softly. Maddie appears ready to explode.
The office staff has become animated – nodding, poking each other, whispering and generally enjoying seeing David question the woman’s authority.
Teacher: Ok, Mr. Addison, I’ll bite. Let’s hear your adages for the perfect assessment techniques.
David: OK here goes. Saying “looks don’t matter” when you’re a detective is like saying that they don’t matter anywhere in life. “It’s what’s on the inside” or “don’t judge a book by its cover” are sayings invented by ugly people. Appearances do matter, just like size matters, let no one kid you. I personally like to look at the shoes. That’s right, the shoes…check out the soles, are they worn, any holes? The laces, the shine…Assess what the client’s ability for speed seems to be. It is guaranteed that you will end up chasing them through a cemetery, a circus, or a garbage dump, and you will need to be prepared.
Teacher: Very interesting, but let me ask you something. Do you think that people use their looks to hide things? To try to trick you into believing certain things….The fact is, Mr. Addison does have a point. But what he doesn’t realize is that looks matter in a different way. In my experience, you have to match what the client is trying to tell you with what they actually convey. Sometimes, they match up a little too perfectly. If a client doesn’t want you to think they have financial worries, they may dress up. If they want you to think that money doesn’t matter to them, they may appear humble. And let’s not forget the art of seduction. In most cases, a guilty man will go to a female detective in hopes of charming her. Same thing applies to guilty women. Mr. Addison, if my “detective’s intuition” serves me correctly, I would guess that you’ve been tricked by a few ladies in your time….they come into your office, play the sexy misunderstood vixen, and your poor little heart melts.
Maddie begins to giggle. David glares back at her. The teacher observes this and addresses Maddie.
Teacher: He’s probably not the most perceptive when it comes to women.
David becomes detective.
David: Oh, she should talk. This woman has no idea about men. She falls in love with dead radio hosts, marries strange men on trains, and sets clients up with women who help them murder their wives.
Maddie gets up from the desk
Maddie: Oh, shut up! I didn’t fall in love with the radio host and I didn’t know Tupperman was looking to kill a wife he didn’t have yet. And you should talk!!
Teacher: OK people, calm down! My point is, before you consider appearance, you must consider what the client is trying to do. Mr. Addison, sometimes people just have holes in their shoes…other times holes in their stories.
Cut to a different class:
This time a man in his thirties walks into the room and introduces himself. The staff seems sluggish and disinterested. However, Bert and Agnes seem to be making an effort. Maddie and David are still exchanging hostile glances across the table.
Teacher: Hello, my name is Terry Mason and I will be teaching the lesson of “Capturing the Escaped Client”.
David: OK, now you’re talking. Do we get guns to play with?
Teacher: (unamused) Uh, no. We are going to assume that none of you, thank heavens, have weapons.
David: No pea shooters, no cap guns?? How will we capture anybody without weapons?
Maddie: Oh David, we’ve captured many clients without weapons.
David: Just thought it might be more fun.
Teacher: Anyway, as an example, why don’t you, Mr. Addison, start first?
David: Okey dokey. What do I have to do?
The teacher takes out a water gun.
Teacher: You will start at the door and assume I am facing the classroom with a gun in my
David: That’s easy.
David approaches the door.
Teacher: Ok, now start. What would you do?
David does not see that the teacher is watching his movements in a mirror on the opposite side of the room. David begins to run towards the teacher, but he turns around and blasts
David with the water gun.
Teacher: Next person…And I think the next person should try and actually think before he acts so spontaneously.
Maddie grins from ear to ear and raises her hand.
Teacher: OK, Miss Hayes
Maddie walks outside the door and the teacher says “go”.. Maddie stands there for a moment and looks around the room and sees the mirror. She ducks down on the ground and quickly crawls towards the teacher. She wraps her arms around his legs, and in a split second, grabs the gun, stands up, and points it at him. The teacher appears surprised and impressed. Even the staff seems surprised at their boss spontaneously crawling on the floor in some make believe game.
Teacher: Very good, Miss Hayes. Quick and intuitive. Mr. Addison, you could learn a thing or two from your partner about taking your time and slowing down. I think that maybe you think too fast.
Maddie: (snidely) He does everything too fast.
To David’s surprise, the staff laughs and lets out an “Ooooooh”. David seems to be losing his hold on the staff, who are suddenly writing things down and listening to the lesson.
David: Don’t be fooled. I think fast when I have to. And I taught her everything she knows.
The teacher does not seem convinced.
Teacher: Well, Mr. Addison. Let’s try this. Come up to the desk and sit in this chair.
David saunters up to the desk, with attitude. He seems, this time, to be paying more attention.
Teacher: Now Miss Hayes. Come and sit in this chair.
Maddie walks to the desk and sits. Suddenly, a man runs into the room and snatches
Maddie’s purse. Maddie and David react slowly.
Teacher: Now, you both have different viewpoints. Let me ask you both what the man looked like who just stole the purse.
Maddie and David both seem to have clear ideas in their heads. They begin to talk at the same time.
Maddie: He was about 5’8”, strawberry David: Skinny, about 5’6”
Blonde hair…brown or hazel red shirt….brown tie….
Eyes…chiseled features…. Was he wearing pants?
Slight build…wearing a brown I guess so. Maybe brown
Jacket…I think a red tie with some pants. And shoes..he had
Sort of pattern….sneakers, I think to be wearing shoes…light
He had bangs. And something on brown hair. And something
His face. A mole or something… on his face. A beauty mark?
On his left cheek…. On his right cheek….
The teacher stands perplexed at the simultaneous conversation, but the staff seems unaffected.
Teacher: Hmmmm…If only your powers of observation were as good as your ability to talk at the same time.
Maddie and David roll their eyes at each other.
Teacher: Unfortunately, that was the worst description of someone’s appearance I have ever heard. In fact, I don’t think either of you got anything right.
The man walks in with Maddie’s purse.
Teacher: To review his statistics, he is 5’4”, with brown hair, blue eyes, and a scar near the left side of his mouth. He is wearing khaki pants, a green tie, a red jacket, and black shoes. And if he had committed a crime right before your eyes, neither of you would be of much use to the police. And your arguing wouldn’t help either. What neither of you seem to understand is that you are so caught up in yourselves, that you do not put a clear mind into your work. The two of you seem to be expending more effort trying to outdo the other and prove the other wrong, than in actually being alert and observant. When you interview a client, you have to be alert to the facts, not your own opinions. Assume that there are things that your client can hide from you and things that they can’t. But get the facts right. Anyway, this is a valuable lesson. But one more thing……..
The teacher takes out handcuffs and a blindfold.
Teacher: Miss Hayes, I would like you to tie up your partner.
Maddie smiles. David glares.
Maddie: With pleasure.
She quickly and enthusiastically ties up David. He grumbles.
David: Hey, Maddie….could you loosen these a little bit…like the last time you did this??
David grins. Maddie glares.
Maddie: Can we leave him like this?
The staff is thoroughly entertained.
Teacher: Now, Mr. Addison, describe this room.
David: Describe what? It’s a classroom.
Teacher: As I said, a detective must know details. How many windows? How many
books? What kind of chairs?
David: 3 windows. A dictionary of some sort in the corner, with about 3 other books. Wooden chairs with a rectangular back. And the one over there (he gestures to the one in which he had been sitting) says “Maddie Hayes eats shitake mushrooms”.
Maddie looks at the chair. She tries to act mad, but even she is impressed. She addresses the teacher.
Maddie: He is surprising, isn’t he?
Teacher: Yes…..can’t figure out quite how his mind works……
Maddie: Take a number.
Without being told, Maddie gently removes the blindfold from David’s eyes.
Maddie: (with a slight smile) Shitake mushrooms, huh?
David: (smirking) I heard you liked them.
Maddie: Oh, I love them.
David: Are we done yet? I don’t know, teach, but classrooms never agreed with me. Who
in this room thinks that their detective skills are sharpened?
All hands are raised.
David: Who in this room thinks they need a Limbo session by the pool? Wouldn’t want an office full of people who can’t limbo.
Every hand again is raised.
Maddie: Well, I can see that I am outvoted. OK, Mr. Rogers, you may choose the field trip for today. We will meet here later. We have a gym class later too. Sounds like fun.
David: Library history would sound like fun to you. OK troops, last one in the pool is a rotten egg. And let’s not forget the chicken fights.
David looks at Maddie.
David: You wanna be on top?
Maddie: I want you to drop dead…..but slowly and painfully.
David: Well, the door to my room is always open…bring the handcuffs and the blondefold.
He turns to the staff
David: Remember folks, speedos are optional.
David and the group rush from the room.
Maddie, Agnes, and the teacher are left in the room. Maddie gazes at the door, shaking her head, with a half smile on her face. She walks towards the door and the teacher addresses her.
Teacher: Quite a partner you’ve got there!
Maddie just looks at him. She breathes in deeply, takes her notebooks, and walks out the door.
The teacher turns to Agnes.
Teacher: You know…I’m one of the best detectives in California and I just can’t figure out the dynamic there. Are those two a hazard to each other or a blessing? Do they feed off each other’s instincts or fight them at every turn?
Agnes: Uh…probably more of the second. Or at least that’s what they would have us think.
Teacher: Very interesting………..very interesting. I think I’ve got an idea on how to put the “team” into teamwork for those two. But I will need your help. Are you in???
Agnes: I couldn’t be in-ner. What have you got in mind?
The teacher and Agnes lean their heads together as:
The Moonlighting theme starts to play and we freeze frame
END OF PART ONE
CREDITS: Written by Diane and Darla (or Darla and Diane, we haven’t decided the
The Seascape Inn (for future reference…do not choose a fictitious place, You can’t get any good freebies if it really doesn’t Exist.)
Frank Sinatra (if he were still around, I bet he’d be demanding Royalties.)
Cement shoes (The chosen footwear of the Anselmos, may they rest In peace.)
Thanks to Aubrey, Beta Supreme, and to Dana for putting up with all of us.