VIRTUAL SEASON FINALE
Act I: Wednesday morning, 6:30 A.M.
The Hayes/Addison Bedroom
The camera pans the room and moves in on the bed. Maddie and David are both sleeping – arms and legs haphazardly intermingled. Miss Me is lying across the bottom of the bed.
The phone begins to ring – the phone that is located on David’s bedside table. It rings once…
David lays motionless, as Maddie is started from sleep.
It rings twice…
Still no movement from David, as Maddie pushes and prods him.
It rings three times…
Maddie gives up, and crawls over his motionless body, grabbing for the phone. As she moves across him, David picks this exact moment to open his eyes, and is rewarded with a superior view down the front of her nightgown.
David (lecherously): Well, a very good morning to you two too.
He reaches for her. Maddie finally succeeds in grasping the phone, as well as pushing David away in one gesture. Miss Me has been ousted from her place on the bed and barks her displeasure energetically.
Maddie finally gets the phone to her ear and answers breathlessly.
She sits cross-legged on the bed, yanking on the phone cord. David pulls himself up, disentangling himself from the cord, and begins the morning yawn and stretch routine.
Maddie’s voice rises with pleasure.
Maddie: Oh hi…no, of course you’re not calling too early.
David shakes his head, emphatically disagreeing.
Maddie: No, you weren’t interrupting anything…..of course, it sounds like a three ring circus…I happen to sleep with the headliner in the main ring.
David begins bowing and nodding to invisible fans.
Maddie: Of course David…
Maddie: Yeah, right. That’s a given.
Miss Me still barks and Maddie gives David a pleading look, and gestures towards the dog. David calls the dog to him and quiets her as Maddie continues to speak.
Maddie: So what’s going on?
Her face lights with pleasure.
Maddie: That’s wonderful! And they’re both doing well?…Oh, I’m so glad…that’s really big isn’t it?…I’m sure she’s ecstatic…
She pauses for a moment, listening.
Maddie: Oh, I really like that….wow…yeah, I’ll tell him. I’m so happy for all of you. I’ll talk to you soon, and we’ll set up a time we can come visit…yeah, give them our love. Talk to you soon…and congratulations!
Maddie hangs up the phone and turns to David, happiness evident on her face.
David: Ed McMahon? Monty Hall? The Millionaire?
Maddie: Walter Bishop. Terri had the baby early this morning.
David: That’s great. Terri and the baby both OK?
Maddie: Fine. Walter said Terri had a message for you. Something about this time being much easier…no lollapalooza.
David: Yeah, I get it. Private joke. What did the baby weigh?
Maddie: Seven pounds, three ounces.
David: Yeah, much smaller than little Wally. This one must take after Walter’s side of the family.
Maddie: It’s difficult for me to remember that Walter isn’t little Wally’s father…his natural father, I mean. He’s been there since Wally was born.
David: Guess that makes him as much Wally’s father as he is this baby’s father.
Maddie: That’s very true.
David: You know, it’s a shame you can’t decide how many kids you want, and have them all at one time.
David: You know, like if you decide on two, you should be able to just have twins. Go through it all just once, and get a cute little matching set.
Maddie: If men got pregnant, they wouldn’t think twins were so cute.
David (smirking): How about four or five?
Maddie: If men got pregnant, all children would be only children.
David: Is this the Madolyn Hayes soliloquy on “If men got pregnant”?
Maddie: You started this discussion.
Maddie: You should hear Walter, he’s very excited.
David: I’m excited too. I think I had today in the pool. So….X or Y?
Maddie: X or Y?
David: Chromosome? The gender determining factor…contributed of course by the father.
Maddie: It’s a girl –Terri and Walter already knew that.
David: Hey, they wouldn’t be the first people to be returning a whole lot of pink lacy stuff because that particular test turned out wrong.
Maddie: Well, it’s definitely a girl -- Melanie Knowles Bishop.
David: Melanie Bishop…good name for a supermodel.
Maddie: Or a Supreme Court Justice.
David: Given your history, you are not pooh poohing the value of a good supermodel, are you?
Maddie: I’d much rather see her, or any girl, aspire to something a bit more challenging.
David: Take it from me, a supermodel can be very challenging.
He starts to nuzzle her neck. She lays her head on his shoulder, not really participating. He looks at her carefully.
David: Still not feeling good?
Maddie: Ok, I guess. Just a little washed out. I would like to thank you for sharing it with me though…the little souvenir from your last stakeout.
David: Hey, what’s mine is yours, babe – including that nasty little bug I gave you. But I kicked it in a couple of days…guess there’s some truth about that weaker sex stuff, huh?
He expects a retort, but gets none. He looks at her sympathetically.
David: Why don’t you stay home in bed today?
He bounces up and down on the bed.
David: In fact, why don’t we both stay home in bed today? I bet I could make you feel better.
Maddie pushes him off, laughing.
Maddie: I have no doubt that you could. But I’m fine…just need a hot shower and I’ll be ready to go.
David: Scrub your back?
Maddie: Maybe later. I, however, would sell my soul if you’d make some coffee….no, wait… actually, I’d like some tea.
David: Sure. Not sure your soul’s exactly what I’m after right now though. How ‘bout I make you breakfast, and we’ll barter for body parts later?
Maddie: We’ll see. Why don’t you call the office and let Agnes know we’ll be a little late?
David: Will do…don’t use all the hot water, Blondie.
He gives her a short but substantial kiss, and heads out of the bedroom whistling “Rockabye Baby.”
Maddie looks after him for a moment and then picks up her robe and enters the bathroom.
Blue Moon Detective Agency
Maddie and David emerge from the elevator and head down the corridor. They appear to be continuing a conversation started earlier.
Maddie: Well, what do you mean, strange?
David: I’m not sure what I mean. We’re talking about Agnes DiPesto remember. All I’m saying is that she sounded a little off.
Maddie: But why didn’t you mention it before? If you thought there was a problem, we could have gotten here sooner.
David: I didn’t say there was a problem. I said she seemed a little off. Like everyone gets every once in a while…you’re a little off today, I might add.
Maddie: I appreciate your analysis, Dr. Fraud.
David: You mean Freud, right?
Maddie: Nope, I meant Fraud. I guess it’s easy to figure out why you didn’t mention it.
David: Would you like to elaborate for those of us who might be trailing behind?
He raises his eyebrows at the camera.
Maddie: You knew that if you told me there was something strange going on, I’d want to get right off to work and you’d lose a chance to …sorry, what’s your newest catch phrase?
Maddie: There you go…horizontalize.
David: Whoa, whoa, whoa…did I miss something? As I recall, not a speck of carnal knowledge took place this A.M.
Maddie: Not for lack of trying.
David: Don’t remember you ever complaining before.
Maddie stops and turns to face him, her face softening.
Maddie: And I’m not complaining now. Maybe you’re right – maybe I am a little off today.
David: Maybe you should have eaten some of that delicious breakfast I made for you.
Maddie: Sorry, I won’t eat what I can’t identify.
David: Your loss. Maddie, you’re not really worried about what is going on in there, are you?
Maddie (hesitatingly): I guess not.
David: Maddie, Maddie, Maddie – why is it that you always have to jump to the worst conclusions? Jeez, these people have worked for us for the better part of eight years, and we’re a lousy hour late. Something tells me that they haven’t burned down the office or sold all the furniture.
He puts his hands on her shoulders and pulls her closer to him.
David: C’mon honey, have a little faith.
He kisses the tip of her nose. Maddie smiles.
Maddie: You’re probably right…especially since I have the leader of the pack right here with me.
David links his arm through hers, and they proceed down the hallway.
David: You’ll see…everything will be hunkey dorey. A well running machine, that’s what we have here. Everybody knows his or her job, and is performing it admirably…nose to the grindstone, shoulder to the wheel –
He swings the office door open, and they observe – BEDLAM!!
It looks like a party…people laughing, drinking, congratulating…with Agnes in the middle of it, seated in a chair with everyone surrounding her.
Magillicuddy has not observed their entrance. He is making a toast.
Magillicuddy: What a happy day! Three cheers to Agnes DiPesto!
Kris: And to Bert.
Magillicuddy (muttering): Yeah, and Bert.
David slams the office door, attracting the attention of the staff. All at once, they turn and swamp David and Maddie.
Isn’t it great?
It’s a first for us, I’ll say that.
Don’t you want to congratulate them?
David puts two fingers in his mouth and whistles the group into silence.
David: I just finished telling Miss Hayes how we didn’t have to worry about being late, because our extremely competent staff is perfectly capable of carrying on without us. And what do we find? Carrying on. So, what’s the skinny?
Jergenson: You’d better ask Agnes.
Maddie: What’s going on, Agnes?
Agnes smiles shyly for a moment, and then blurts out excitedly.
Agnes: We’re having a baby!
Maddie: A baby?
David: You and Bert?
He hits himself on the side of the head.
David: What am I saying…it better be you and Bert, huh? C’mere.
He gives her a bear hug, then turns her over to Maddie, who hugs her in turn.
Maddie: A baby, Agnes, how exciting! Where, when?
David: If you ask how, I’m gonna lose all respect for you, Miss Hayes.
She gives him a look. Agnes bubbles excitedly.
Agnes: It’s a honeymoon baby…we got pregnant on the cruise.
David whispers an aside to Maddie.
David: On the cruise? I thought Bert was too busy upchucking to do any canoodling?
Maddie pokes him with her elbow.
Maddie: David, sssh!
She turns back to Agnes.
Maddie: This is great news! And what timing. You know what they say --
The entire staff chimes in.
All: New house, new baby.
David grins at her.
David: You come in late, some of the best lines are taken.
She ignores him, returning to Agnes.
Maddie: So you’re how many months?
Agnes: Almost four.
Maddie: Four? You’re hardly even showing. How come you waited so long to tell us?
Maddie looks puzzled.
Agnes: You know, the notion that everything has its proper place and time in the universe. The fact that everything you do has an effect on your destiny….fixing your lot in the future.
Maddie looks impressed.
Agnes: Yeah, that and the fact that everything was so up in the air with the house, Bert’s dad was in Sicily, and my mother was in some third world country. We decided to wait until everything was better settled and we could tell both of them in person.
Maddie: So you’ve done all that?
Agnes: Yeah, Bert’s father flew in yesterday, and we got a chance to tell him. So now, we can tell our Blue Moon family.
David: So where is Bert…that paragon of manhood, that god of fertility? Bet he’s just proud as a peacock.
Agnes looks around.
Agnes: I don’t know where he is. He was just here. He’s been pretty excited though… at least until he talked to his father last night.
Maddie: I’m sure he’s over the moon.
David: Nothing like breaking the news of the perpetuity of the line to your Dad to get ya all in a jangle, I guess. He’s probably out bragging to the gals in the steno pool on 21.
He catches Agnes’s look.
David: Or perhaps at the chapel down the block, giving thanks. You send him in to see me as soon as you find him. I’ll lend him my Lamaze books.
Agnes is beaming. She hugs them both at once.
Agnes: Thanks, Miss Hayes, Mr. Addison.
David: A Blue Moon baby. Wonder if the kid knows what’s in store for him?
David and Maddie walk towards his office.
David: Whaddya know? Think Bert will be taller than the baby?
David holds the door for Maddie. They enter the office, and see an obviously flustered Bert Viola sitting behind David’s desk. He holds a large appointment book. He starts to blather as soon as he sees them.
Bert: Mr. Addison…Miss Hayes…you’ve gotta help me……
Act II: David’s Office (continued)
A large grin fills David’s face, and he strides across the room, hand extended.
David: Bert…my man…Mr. Babymaker – I knew you had it in you…so to speak!
Bert rises to shake David’s hand.
Bert: Although, technically, sir, Agnes is the one who has it in her.
David: No spit, Sherlock. Wizard of modern science that you are, I was still pretty sure you weren’t making biological history.
Maddie offers her congratulations.
Maddie: It’s wonderful news, Bert – we’re so happy for you. A new little Viola.
At her words, Bert slumps back into the chair, the light fading from his eyes.
Bert (muttering): Thank you ma’am…sir…
David and Maddie exchange a look. He is surely acting strangely, even for Bert Viola…especially for Bert Viola. Rather than the over-the-top high wire act they would have expected to accompany this news, Bert’s mood is definitely subdued.
David: You look great today, Bert. Is that your paternity suit?
David yucks it up – but gets very little reaction from Bert. He takes a different tack.
David: OK, Viola, I know you feel like king of the hill today, but you’re sitting in my throne.
Bert rises from the chair, still clutching the office appointment book. Maddie seems concerned.
Maddie: Bert, when we came in, you said something about help.
The dam bursts.
Bert: Do I ever need help! Since last night, all I’ve done is think about this…this quandary, this pickle, this bugaboo. I’m on the horns of a dilemma – a dilemma the likes of which I’ve never had to deal with ever before…
David breaks in.
David: Bert – focus! You’re using up all the commercial time!
He speaks very slowly.
David: What – is – the – matter?
Bert: Simply put, sir, I may not be a Viola.
David: So what are you – a cello? A bass?
Maddie speaks a little sharply.
David shrugs his shoulders.
David: A mandolin?
Bert: No that’s not…well, I mean…I may not have the Viola blood running through my veins.
Maddie: Bert, calmly now! What makes you think that?
Bert: It’s a long story.
David looks at the camera.
David: After six years, did he really think he had to give us that piece of info?
Maddie: David, sssh! Go on, Bert.
Bert: My father was in Italy this last month. He decided to come and visit us on the way back.
Maddie looks at him quizzically.
Bert: Yeah, I know – it’s not on the way back at all. But once Dad starts traveling, he’s on a roll.
David: Racking up those frequent flyer miles, I guess.
Bert: Anyway, we were glad to see him, because we wanted to tell him in person about the baby. You should have seen Pop – he was bursting his buttons.
Maddie: Sounds like a logical reaction for a proud Grandpa.
Bert: Agnes went in to bed early – she seems to get more tired recently. Dad and I were sharing a bottle of Chianti – something the Viola men do on a happy occasion. We started talking about family, and babies and….well, one thing led to another, and that’s when he told me.
David (exasperated): Told you what?
Bert: That I might not be a Viola.
Maddie: Are you adopted, Bert?
Bert: No – but my father possibly is not my real father.
David: So your mother was –
Bert: Unfaithful. You can say it. My mother got involved with another man around the time that I was conceived.
Maddie: And your father knew?
Bert: Not then, but later. I guess she was feeling guilty, or maybe she thought she would be found out. She told Dad when I was about five.
Maddie and David are silent.
Bert: So somewhere out there, there might be a guy with a diminutive stature and a penchant for public speaking --
David uncomfortably clears his throat and earns a warning glance from Maddie.
Bert: And I never knew…she never told me.
Maddie: Maybe she didn’t know how to tell you. You were how old when she passed away?
Bert: Twenty-one. I was a senior in college. She could have told me. I would have understood.
Maddie: Maybe she was afraid. Maybe she intended to, and just ran out of time.
Bert: Maybe. But now, I’m having a baby, and I’m afraid I don’t know who I am.
Bert: No, this is important. I need to know…all about my background…my medical history…are there any problems I should know about? That’s very important when you’re having a baby. That’s why I was in here waiting for you. I want to hire you.
Maddie: Hire us?
Bert: Hire you. You’re the best detectives I know. And I need you on my case.
David: What c---
David is interrupted by Maddie’s quick elbow to his ribs.
Maddie: And that’s why you have the appointment book, Bert?
Bert: Right. This is business and I am a client. No favors, no discounts…I need to have you work on this case as soon as possible.
Maddie: But there’s no need to make an appointment, Bert. Agnes would have just penciled you in for some of our free time.
Bert: But that’s the thing. I don’t want Agnes to know about this.
David takes the appointment book from Bert and checks out the pages.
David: This you, Viola? Clutch Cargo? Gotta give you credit, Bert…I’m sure Agnes never would catch on to that…
Maddie: Why would you want to keep this from Agnes?
Bert: It’s my problem. I need to deal with it. If we find out it’s true, then I’ll tell Agnes. But there is no sense worrying her – in her condition and all.
Maddie: Bert, I think you’re making a big mistake. She’d be more upset if she thought you were keeping something from her to protect her from the truth.
Bert: There’s no discussion on this, Miss Hayes. My mind’s made up.
Maddie: David, you don’t have anything to say about this?
David shrugs his shoulders. Maddie turns back to Bert.
Maddie: Can you give us a few minutes to discuss this, Bert?
Bert: Sure. I do have to tell you, my Dad’s in town until next Wednesday, so if you need him to help you in any way, I guess time is of the essence.
Maddie: We’ll have an answer for you in just a minute.
Bert heads towards the door.
Bert: There is nobody else that I would trust with this.
Maddie: Thank you. I think we realize how important this is to you, Bert. We’ll consider that carefully.
Bert exits the room. Maddie turns to David.
Maddie: Thanks a lot, partner.
David: For what?
Maddie: You hardly said two words.
David: About what? Viola and the “whosyerdaddy” dilemma?
Maddie: Yes, about the case. About Mr. Viola, our friend and coworker.
David: Case? What case? That’s not a case. Haven’t you heard – it’s the 90’s? Questions like that can be settled with a test –
Maddie: Maybe the main question can be settled by the test. But the other things need understanding, caring, support from friends.
David: Ok, so we’ll understand, we’ll care, we’ll support – hell, we’ll even make the arrangements for the test and drive him.
Maddie: You’ll. I said you’ll.
David: Since it’s not Christmas, I assume that you’ll means I’ll…without you.
Maddie: I think this is something you should do on your own.
David: Any special reason?
Maddie: Actually, two. We’ve got some business commitments, most specifically, the deadline on the background information for the Hutchinson adoption is this week.
David: Oh, well, then maybe we should….
Maddie: No, maybe I should. I can handle that just fine on my own. Bert needs to be your priority.
David: You said you had two reasons.
Maddie: The other one is….I’m just uncomfortable keeping anything from Agnes.
David: Oh ho, Miss Hayes, the loquacious Mr. Viola is now a client, and you are bound by detective/client privilege…or something like that.
Maddie: Which is why I’d prefer not to be involved any further. Don’t know – can’t tell!
David: What if I want to tell?
Maddie: You’re telling me you’re uncomfortable with Bert keeping this from Agnes? Addison, you’re full of …
David: Compassion, understanding, support?
Maddie: Let me get a shovel.
David: Hey listen, he didn’t say he wasn’t going to share it with Agnes, just not right now.
Maddie: Because of her delicate condition? Ha! You know Agnes…she’s not exactly the type of woman who goes around swooning. Bert may have his reasons, but that may be the stupidest one I ever heard.
David: They’re his reasons….and he’s a client.
Maddie: And we never make judgments about our client’s reasons.
They both look at each other and begin to laugh.
David: Are you sure I need to do this?
Maddie: David, we owe him this. He’s a good and loyal employee - and he worships the ground you float over. It’s only natural he would want your help.
David: Yeah, I guess. OK, I’ll help the little hobbit, errrrrr… Herbert out. Who knows, maybe he’s the long lost son of Frank Purdue?… Ross Perrot?… the Tidy Bowl Man? All great short people in history.
Maddie: What do you know about paternity testing?
David: That’s not a loaded question is it, Miss Hayes? For clarification, I get no anonymous cards on Father’s Day.
Maddie: I meant for Herbert.
David: I’ll make a few phone calls. I think it’s a pretty simple blood test. Think you can get a rush job on the results – takes about a week.
Maddie: Not to mention keeping it from Agnes.
David: The lady in waiting will be too preoccupied with baby stuff to even notice.
Maddie: Don’t underestimate Agnes – she has a sixth sense about some things.
David: Maddie, you’ve gotta let this go. It’s Bert’s decision, and we have to respect his wishes.
Maddie: And I will. But I’m not happy at all about this.
David: Duly noted. So, listen, isn’t it lunchtime?
Maddie: We just got here. Anyway, I couldn’t eat a thing.
David: I thought maybe I’d take the proud papa out for a little liquid lunch. Calm his nerves a tad….whaddya think? Kinda supportive? Kinda caring?
Maddie: Go…I’ll keep the home fires burning…put a candle in the window, so you can find your way home.
He walks over and kisses her thoroughly.
David: I’d find my way home even if you packed up and moved while I was gone.
Maddie: Good to know. I’d hate to have to break in somebody new.
David: Not much chance of that. OK, I’m going. You feel better.
He flashes his grin and is gone. Maddie watches as the door closes, leans her head back against the chair, and closes her eyes. She stays that way for a moment. Then she pushes her hair off her face, rises, and unenthusiastically makes her way towards her own office.
The Los Angeles Reproductive Center
The scene opens in the waiting room of a medical facility. There are chairs and plastic tables, with a few magazines scattered around. In the corner is a bookcase, filled with rows of videotapes, the titles not easily visible. There is a TV on top, tuned in to a nondescript morning news program. The only warmth in the room comes from the posters of babies that are covering the walls, providing some advertisement to the purpose of the Reproductive Center.
David and the two Viola men are seated in the waiting room. Both Violas fidget nervously. Bert’s movements are almost a mirror image of his father’s. Mr. Viola rises and paces the length of the room. He returns to his original position and sits. Almost immediately, Bert rises and repeats the actions.
David shakes his head and smiles to himself, almost as if to say “Why is this test even necessary?”.
Mr. Viola drums his fingers on the table beside him, then looks around and sighs.
Mr. Viola: Isn’t this the damndest thing? I can’t believe I’m sitting here…doing this!
Bert: Pop, you said you’d do this. You said you understood – that it is important for us to get the real information…so we know about the baby’s medical history.
Mr. Viola: Will you calm down, Herbert?
He looks over towards David.
Mr. Viola: He always like this? We thought he’d grow out of this excitable stage once he got out of his teens.
David: Viola…the next generation. Another decade, another miss. At least he’s not piddling in his pants any more.
Bert: Hey you guys…I’m in the room. Listen Dad –
Mr. Viola: Herbert, I have absolutely no problem with the test. I was just remarking on how amazing this whole science has become.
Bert: How so?
Mr. Viola: Who knew you’d be able to find out all this stuff? Who knew that people would be talking about this stuff in public – paternity tests, and sperm counts, and fertility. Look at some of these pamphlets – “How to Enhance your Fertility”. How about this one – “The Basic Semen Analysis – What is Included?” In my day, these things were just not discussed.
Bert looks around nervously.
Mr. Viola continues on a tangent…possibly hereditary?
Mr. Viola: Who knew those words? Who knew there would be a place like this – people coming for fertility tests, and paternity tests – maximizing the chances of bringing more children into the world, and providing a better guarantee of taking care of the ones already here. It’s just amazing – amazing!
David: Yeah, this is a pretty interesting place….kinda like the drive through window for human procreation – drop off, get a receipt, and the deposit shows up in your account a few days later.
Bert: Luckily the baby part of this is not our problem. I’ve taken care of that.
David: What a man! What a man!
Bert: This is just a simple blood test.
Mr. Viola (quietly): Yeah, just a simple blood test that might change our lives.
Bert: That’s not gonna happen, Pop, no matter what the test results are.
The trio sits quietly for a moment. David’s attention is drawn by another man, sitting nervously, fidgeting with a manila folder in his hands. He lays the folder on a table and rises. He walks over to the bookcase, and pulls a video out. The man starts to read the box, and blushes beet red. He replaces the video, looks cautiously around the room, and hightails it out the office door
David is amused.
He pulls out a movie, and reads the cover, eyes widening, then laughs.
David: They’re porn!
Bert: For real?
David pulls out a few more.
David: They’re all porn! Wow! Mr. Viola, check the magazine rack over there. If they’re Hustler or Playboy, I’m moving in here, I swear.
Bert: Wonder what they’re for?
David: I would imagine, to provide a greater facility in accomplishing the ultimate goal that a gentleman has come here to achieve.
David raises an eyebrow.
David: A little help in getting His Majesty to rise to the throne.
Bert looks a little puzzled, then it sinks in.
Bert: Oh, oh, I get it.
David: Welcome to the 7th grade, Viola.
Bert (apprehensively): Ours is a blood test, is it not?
Bert is visibly relieved.
Bert: That’s good – I’m not the best when it comes to public performances.
David: TMI Bert…way, way TMI.
Bert’s Dad just sits, shaking his head. David walks over to the table and picks up the folder that the man left behind. Just then, a pretty redheaded nurse comes over to them.
Nurse: Mr. Viola?
Bert and his Dad both perk up appreciably.
Bert/Mr. Viola: Yes?
Nurse: Hi, I’m Kirsten. I’ll be doing your blood tests.
David: I’m sure that will be a pleasure, eh Bert?
Nurse: I’m sorry, sir. You are?
David: I’m the mother. I look a little different since the surgery.
He laughs at her expression.
David: I’m just kidding with you, sweetheart. I’m a friend…a very supportive friend.
Bert: Yes indeed. Mr. Addison, while we’re being tested, why don’t you finish checking out the movies. Maybe you’ll find a couple to add to your private collection.
David: No private collection anymore, Bert. I’ve got better things to look at at home.
David: But I guess it wouldn’t hurt to do a little research – just in case the information would come in handy for a future client.
Bert: You do that, sir.
He looks up at Kirsten.
Bert: We’re ready when you are.
David: Don’t worry, fellas. I’m sure they won’t use the big needles. One little prick and it will be all over.
Kirsten walks away with the Violas in tow. David continues to pull out videos, reading the covers, the manila folder shoved under his right arm. He is unaware of any movement around him, until he hears the sound of a throat being cleared and a strong deep voice.
Voice: Find what you’re looking for?
David looks up, the beginnings of a smart remark on the tip of his tongue.> He
stops and focuses on the woman before him – a great wall of a woman in a retro looking nurse’s uniform complete with peaked cap. She is very starched and very proper. Her name badge reads “Ursula Strong, R.N.”.
Nurse Strong: Have you picked one out?
David tries with his disarming smile.
David: I’m sorry…picked one out?
Nurse Strong seemingly has gotten up on the wrong side of the universe, and she is not buying David’s particular brand of baloney. She is all business.
Nurse Strong: Have you chosen a video?
David: A video?
She is starting to get a bit exasperated with him.
Nurse Strong: Yes, a video. Small, rectangular thing – you’ve got one in your hand.
David: Are these like lovely parting gifts?
She starts to speak slowly and deliberately, as if she were speaking to an idiot.
Nurse Strong: Have you chosen a video to help with your specimen?
The light dawns in David’s eyes and he starts to laugh.
David: Oh, I get it. You think I’m here to –
Nurse Strong: I know what you’re here to do and I’m sorry if I don’t have time to play games this morning, Mr. __________.
She hangs, waiting for him to fill in the blank. He casts his eyes about the room, searching for inspiration. He looks down at the manila folder, and finds what he is looking for.
David: Sorry…the name is Long. Woody Long.
The nurse doesn’t bat an eye.
Nurse Strong: As I was saying Mr. Long, I know what you’re here for. I’ve dealt with hundreds of macho men like you – you’ve probably got a cute little wife sitting at home, depending on you to give her a baby. And you’re afraid somebody’s gonna tell you that you’re the reason why that’s not happening.
David gets the feeling he is caught in something that started long before he walked through the door.
David: Hey, wait a minute…I always thought I was a likeable guy – I’m not sure what’s bothering you about me, but you just don’t understand…
Nurse Strong: I don’t think you understand, Mr. Long. I don’t have another spare minute in my day for coddling male egos. You’ve come here for a service – you’ve been referred by a physician, you’ve filled out all the papers, discussed all the possibilities. Now, there is one more step – to analyze your fertility, we need you to provide a specimen. In order to do that, you’ll need to….oh, how can I state this delicately…how about – you’ll have to “interrogate the witness”…”jiggle the jewelry”…”shake hands with the unemployed”…”play the Star Spangled Banner at the tadpole rodeo”. You got it?
David: “Come to grips with myself”?…”Mangle the midget?”…”Free Willie?” I’ve got it. But I don’t need –
Nurse Strong: Movie…no movie. I don’t care. It won’t affect the outcome – if you can actually produce any.
David just stares at the woman, wondering where her broom is parked. Where does this broad get off? Is she inferring that I CAN’T? Well, she’d just better stand out of the way.
He grabs for a video.
David: I’ll take this one.
Nurse Strong turns abruptly, and starts to walk, barking back over her shoulder.
Nurse Strong: Follow me.
David mutters softly to himself.
David: Aye, aye, Nurse Ratchett.
He starts to laugh to himself.
David: This broad isn’t gonna take no for an answer. What the hell – who’s it gonna hurt? I didn’t give them my real name. I’ve got a little time to kill. And the movie looks pretty good – haven’t seen an adult film in a long time. Looks like a chick flick…in fact, maybe I’ll get lucky…I think it looks like a coupla chicks flick.
Nurse Strong is now standing in an examining room doorway. As he approaches, she hands him a cup, a lid and a sheet of labels.
Nurse Strong: Fill it.
David looks at the cup.
David: Haven’t you got a bigger one?
She gives him a disparaging glance.
Nurse Strong: You just do the best you can with the one you’ve got.
David puffs out his chest, accepting the challenge.
David: I’ll take care of it.
Nurse Strong: I’m sure you will. Fill out the two labels with your full name and leave them, with the cup, on the desk there. Any questions?
Nurse Strong: If you need any help, knock on the door.
David reacts unfavorably to that suggestion – the last thing we see as she pulls the door closed is his horror stricken face.
Fade in 30 minutes later.
The Violas are again sitting in the waiting room. David emerges from the examining room. He is singing, “I’m a man, yes I am, and I can’t help but love you so…” He almost collides with a large Hispanic man who is exiting the next room. They avoid meeting each other’s eyes as they mumble their excuses and the Hispanic man continues out the front door. Nurse Strong appears from nowhere.
Nurse Strong: Have you given me what I want?
David: Mission accomplished. Apollo 1 has left the building.
Nurse Strong: On its way to the moon? Hmph – we’ll see. We’ll be in touch with you in about a week.
David: I can’t begin to tell you what a genuine pleasure it’s been to meet you today. Don’t ever change…the world is a much better place when you spread your particular brand of sunshine.
Nurse Strong grunts at him, and lumbers away without comment. David walks over to the Violas.
David: Everything go OK?
Bert: Piece of cake.
He nods his head towards the retreating back of Nurse Strong.
Bert: What was that?
David: Just one of life’s little pleasures. You know how sometimes it’s just easier to go along with somebody than argue with them? I just met the ruler of that world. It’s no big deal. You ready to go?
Bert: Can we drop Dad off at Hollywood Boulevard? He wants to catch one of those sightseeing buses…go see the movies stars’ houses.
David: Why don’t you go with him?
Bert: You don’t mind, Mr. Addison.
David: Heck no. Take the day off. Spend a little guy time together.
Bert: But Agnes…
David: I’ll let Agnes know. I’ll tell her you’re out getting the stuff for the painting party tomorrow.
Bert: There are still a few things to pick up…
David: So there you go…take your bus tour – no climbing over Dolly Parton’s walls, Bert –
Bert: Thanks a lot, Mr. Addison. Not only for the day off, but for taking care of this today.
David: You have no idea, Bert. It’s been my pleasure.
David: C’mon let’s get out of here. I need to get to work before the blonde sends out a search party.
They exit the office. Nurse Strong returns to the room and sees that they have gone. She calls out to an orderly.
Nurse Strong: Hey Joey, there are samples to be picked up in rooms four and five.
A simple looking fellow rolls a cart up to the examining room door. He comes out, carrying the covered cup in one hand and the labels in the other. He puts the cup on the cart, and goes to the next room, returning again with the cup in one hand, and the labels in the other. He puts the cup on the cart, then looks at the two sets of labels in his hand. He makes a horrified face.
He looks around to make sure he has not been observed.
Joey: Oh well, eeny, meeny, meiney mo……
He chooses a label from each sheet, slaps them on the cups, and proceeds down the corridor.
The new Viola home.
Maddie and Agnes stand in the middle of the new (well, old/new) kitchen. They are very casually dressed, and surrounded by piles of cleaning supplies and paint cans.
Maddie: It looks like you’re pretty well organized, Agnes. So what’s the plan?
Agnes: I’d really like to get at least the first floor done today. Here, put this on…so you don’t get paint in your hair.
Agnes hands Maddie a bright red bandanna. Maddie eyes it suspiciously, but with another look from Agnes, she concedes and ties it around her hair. It is clear that this is Agnes’ s turf – and today, she is giving the orders.
Maddie looks out the window and catches a glimpse of the office staff heading towards the front door. It is a motley looking crew – and they struggle up the walk carrying ladders, buckets and tarps. A very Napoleonic Bert directs the parade. Maddie laughs.
Maddie: Look at this highly trained group of painting professionals.
Agnes and Maddie peek out the window as David sneaks into the room unannounced. He wears a Three Stooges T-shirt and a very holey pair of faded blue jeans.
David: Are you criticizing the help? Why, they’re the finest group of graduates the clown college ever produced.
Maddie: What are you, their union rep?
David: Dave Picasso, at your service, ma’am. Hey, nice look, Hayes.
He yanks on the end of the bandanna.
Maddie: I wish I could say the same for you. I can’t see how you’re gonna keep the paint off of you, with all those holes in your jeans.
He grabs her around the waist.
David: I think you’re right. Maybe I’d better take them off. Agnes, can we borrow your bedroom?
Maddie pushes him away.
Maddie: Fat chance.
Agnes answers seriously.
Agnes: I don’t think anybody should go upstairs. The exterminator said he’d give it another day or two undisturbed.
David: Forget I asked…either of you.
Bert comes storming into the kitchen.
Bert: That idiot Magillicuddy dropped a whole can of “raspberry ice” all over the sidewalk.
Agnes: Bert, don’t start! You’ve been in such a mood recently! Just get the hose and rinse it off before we have a permanent raspberry ice entrance. And be nice to everybody…they came here to help us.
Bert is a bit mollified.
Bert: Sure, sweet pea.
He trudges out of the kitchen.
Agnes: He’s been acting very strangely recently.
David: How could you tell?
Maddie shoots him a warning gaze.
David: It’s probably a lack of fiber in his diet. I think you need to spend tomorrow force-feeding him cream of wheat.
Agnes looks at him cautiously, then her expression softens.
Agnes: You’re crazy, Mr. Addison. I guess we’d better get started.
She takes a mask, placing it over her nose and mouth.
David: What’s up, Agnes? Auditioning for virtual seasons of St. Elsewhere?
Agnes: No…I checked with the doctor and he said the painting shouldn’t affect the baby – it’s latex paint, which is very safe. But I’d still rather be a little cautious.
David: Good idea, little mama. No messing with that little Pop Secret that you’ve got in the microwave.
Agnes: OK, let’s get organized.
They walk into the living room.
We have random shots of the painting process – the group banters back and forth as they apply a bright orange paint to the living room walls.
Maddie sits on the floor, applying white paint to the baseboards. She is very serious about her work – occasionally glancing up and smiling at the others, but not really participating in the banter.
She stops for a second, takes a very deep breath, and gnaws on her lower lip. She puts her paintbrush down, quickly rises, and heads towards the powder room.
Her fast exit has been noticed by only two of the people. Agnes leaves the room, and lingers near the powder room door. After a few minutes, Maddie emerges, a bit pale and surprised to see Agnes.
Agnes: Are you OK, Miss Hayes?
Maddie: I’m fine, Agnes. Just a bit nauseous. I think the paint fumes just got to me.
David approaches them.
David: Everything all right, honey?
Maddie plays it light.
Maddie: I told you, no more pizza at midnight.
David: The eggplant, I bet. Eggplant is evil, and has no business being on a pizza.
Agnes: Miss Hayes, if it’s the fumes, would you like me to get you one of these masks?
David: Complete the outfit with the perfect accessory?
Maddie ignores him.
Maddie: No Agnes, I think I just need a little fresh air. You two go back to what you’re doing. I’ll just go out in the yard for a little bit.
Agnes: OK. If you need something to drink, there’s beer and wine in the coolers.
Maddie: No thanks, I’ll just get a glass of water. I’m fine.
She looks at the two of them and pretends to snarl.
She leaves through the back door. Agnes looks at David. He puts his arm around her shoulders.
David: She’s fine. Take my advice – leave her alone. She hates being fussed over when she’s not feeling well. She’s just having a tough time shaking this virus.
He gives her a big grin.
David: C’mon, I have to get back and make sure that Jergenson and O’Neill are painting the walls and not each other.
Agnes: I’ll be right there.
David goes back into the living room. Agnes looks after him for a moment, then peeks out the window at Maddie, who is sitting in a lawn chair drinking a glass of water.
Agnes: Virus … yeah, right.
Act IV: Wednesday morning, 11:00 A.M.
Blue Moon Detective Agency
Maddie enters through the front door. Agnes is seated at her reception desk.
Maddie: Hi Agnes, I’m back.
Agnes: Hi Miss Hayes. How did everything go?
Maddie: Fine. I met with the Hutchinsons and their lawyer. They’re very pleased with the information I’ve been able to find for them. They gave me a few more things to research, which I ought to be able to take care of a little later this afternoon. It’ll be a done deal.
Agnes: There’s lots to an adoption nowadays, huh?
Maddie: Especially now. The adoptive couple invests so much, emotionally as well as financially. It’s important they get all the information they can about the birth parents. And everything we’ve found seems to make the Hutchinsons feel very comfortable with the process.
Agnes: That’s good.
Maddie: How are you feeling, Agnes?
Agnes: Great. The doctor told me that the second trimester was great, but I wasn’t sure I believed her. I’m telling you, I feel like I could climb mountains.
Maddie: I wouldn’t try that if I were you. Working on a new house, a full time job, and a new baby seems like quite enough for you to handle right now.
Agnes: Yeah, you’re right.
Maddie: Are Bert and Mr. Addison still out on the Wilde case.
Agnes: The Wilde goose chase, if you ask me. Yeah they’re out. They seem to be spending a lot of time out of the office on this simple little case.
Maddie: Sometimes, boys will be boys. Luckily we’re a little slow right now. They can afford a little down time.
Agnes: I guess.
Maddie: Well, I’ll be in my office.
Maddie turns and walks to her office, Agnes trailing right behind. Maddie enters, turning to close the door and sees Agnes behind her.
Maddie: Did you need something, Agnes?
Agnes: Can I talk to you, Miss Hayes?
Maddie: Sure Agnes, come on in and sit down.
She steers her towards the sofa.
Maddie: Now what can I do for you?
Agnes: Well, you know, Miss Hayes, I don’t usually stick my nose in where it doesn’t belong.
Maddie smiles at her.
Maddie: Hardly ever.
Agnes: Well, I started thinking about this the other day at the new house. You remember…you weren’t feeling well?
Maddie: I remember.
Agnes: You’ve been out of the office so much recently, I just wondered if there were some things I could be doing for you?
Maddie: Doing for me?
Agnes: Sure…typing, filing, making appointments.
Agnes: Maybe like a doctor’s appointment? A Doctor Weed doctor’s appointment?
Agnes sits, waiting expectantly as Maddie weighs her options. She decides quickly and breaks into a dazzling smile.
Maddie: It’s 3:00 this afternoon, Agnes.
Maddie: My appointment with Doctor Weed.
Agnes looks at her apprehensively.
Agnes: So…you think?
Maddie nods her head affirmatively.
Maddie: Yeah, I think.
Agnes: Oh Miss Hayes, that is great, great! How do you feel?
Maddie: Mostly nauseous. But very excited. And a little scared.
Agnes: And Mr. Addison?
Maddie: He hasn’t a clue. And I don’t want him to know – not until I see Doctor Weed and confirm it. Agnes, this is very important to me, and you’re the only one who knows.
We can see them both flash back to a particular answering machine message.
Agnes: I swear Miss Hayes, not a syllable. I learned my lesson.
Maddie: Thank you. I really am hoping to surprise him.
Agnes: He may be a detective, but he’s a man. You’ll knock him over with a feather.
Maddie: Agnes, you’ve always seemed to have an intuition about what goes on with the two of us.
Agnes: I knew it the first time the two of you set eyes on one another.
She bounces up and down.
Agnes: This is so exciting!
She reaches over and hugs Maddie.
Maddie: Remember Agnes, I need you to be really, really quiet about this.
Agnes: Mum’s the word…oh, it really is, isn’t it?
Agnes: Honestly Miss Hayes, I promise. Well, I’ll go so you can get back to work. This is going to be so much fun. That means that our –
Maddie: Don’t say it, Agnes. Don’t say anything.
Agnes nods her head.
Agnes (whispering): Right…bye, Miss Hayes.
Maddie watches as Agnes leaves the office. Then secretly smiling to herself, she opens her briefcase and starts her work.
Scene: Wednesday evening, 8:30 P.M.
Los Angeles Reproductive Center
David and Bert are in a dim corridor, in front of a door that reads “Los Angeles Reproductive Center”.
Bert: I’m really grateful that you’re doing this for me, Mr. Addison.
David: Ssssh! Neither of us will be grateful if we end up in jail for this little escapade. But I think I’d rather be in jail than have to listen to you whine about these results one more day.
Bert: I’m positive the results are here. I’m positive that Attila the Hun nurse is lying to me.
David: Can’t imagine why she would do that. How many times did you call yesterday……thirty seven?
Bert: Yeah. But Mr. Addison……..
He cocks his head, listening carefully. Hearing nothing, he uses a credit card to release the lock, and grins when he hears the satisfying click.
David: I still got it.
They enter the office, flicking on small flashlights.
Bert: It amazes me that this place doesn’t have an alarm system.
David: People don’t take things from here, Bert, they leave things here.
As they speak, they are opening doors, shining the flashlights in, and assessing what’s inside.
Bert: Here we go. This looks like the file room.
David: What gave you your first clue, the three and four drawer gray cabinets?
They enter the room. David starts pulling the drawers out.
David: Alphabetical. A very logical system. V – V—V…there it is, down the bottom. You can reach that, can’t you Bert?
Bert pulls open the V drawer and fingers through the files.
Bert: Viceroy, Vincent, Volpe….no Viola.
David: Guess they were telling you the truth, Bertie boy. Let’s get out of here.
Bert: Wait…this drawer is labeled “new cases”. The files are all by date. Here’s the day we had our tests…let’s see.
David flops down on the floor, humoring Bert. Bert sits next to him reading carefully.
Bert: Wow, listen to this. Below average sperm concentration, poor mobility, abnormal morphology, adversely affected by sperm antibodies. This is terrible.
David: Is that your test, Bert?
Bert: No, some other poor sucker….name of Long. The poor guy’s shooting blanks.
David grabs the folder from his hands.
Bert: What a bad situation…not only does the guy have poor swimmers, his are doing the backstroke. How humiliating.
David is devouring the information on the report, basically ignoring Bert.
Bert: I guess they really were telling me the truth. I don’t know how long I can go on like this….waiting day after day…not knowing who my father is.
David has finished reading and is staring blankly into space. Something in Bert’s monologue snaps him out of his trance.
David: Jeez, Bert, get a grip. I know you want to know the results of the test. But think about what you said to your father the other day…he was there the day you were born. He watched you drop every pop fly hit to you in right field. He’s the guy who taught you about women, about life. Fatherhood isn’t about the ability to procreate, it’s about the desire to parent. End of story. Let’s get the hell out of here.
Bert: Guess you’re right, Mr. Addison. I’ve got a great life, a great dad, and I’m having a baby. What could be more wonderful than that?
David: Damned straight.
Bert: Look at the bright side…we could have the shortcomings of that poor Long fellow…
David: Turn off the flashlight, Bert.
He reaches for the switch and the room goes dark.
Epilogue: Wednesday, 11:00 P.M.
The Hayes/Addison Bedroom
Maddie sits on the bed. She wears an ice blue nightgown. She is fidgeting with something in her lap. In a close up we see it is two stuffed bunnies – one purple and white, one solid white. We recognize that the purple one has been on her dressing table for several years, while the new bunny on the block has been in residence for about eight weeks. She hears the sound of the front door opening, and looks expectantly at the bedroom door.
It takes longer than she expected, but finally David appears in the doorway…a bedraggled, tired looking David. He hangs in the shadow.
Maddie smiles up at him.
David: Hi yourself.
Maddie: Where’ve you been?
David: Out with Bert trying to dig up some information on this paternity test.
Maddie: OK, I don’t want to know. So what else is new?
David: What’s new with you?
Maddie: You first.
He takes a deep breath.
David: I’ve got something to tell you.
David takes several deep breaths.
Maddie: David, you’re scaring me.
David: I’m sorry. Ok, here goes.
He starts to pace back and forth across the room. Maddie’s eyes never leave him.
Maddie starts to protest.
David: I know you don’t want to hear about that. But this isn’t about Bert, it’s about me.
Maddie: Go on.
David: Well, without making a long episode even longer, while I was there, I took a fertility test.
Maddie: You what?
David: I took a fertility test. There was a bunch of confusion, and a Godzilla of a nurse who wouldn’t take no for an answer….anyway, it was just easier to do it.
Maddie smiles and shakes her head, imagining all sorts of things, while David continues to pace.
David: Bottom line, I got hold of the results tonight.
David turns and looks directly at her.
David: Honey, I’m so sorry, but you’ve got a better chance of being hit by lightening than ever having a baby with me.
Maddie smiles on…
Maddie: I thought I already had been hit by lightening.
David is so involved in cleansing his soul that he does not even see Maddie’s reaction.
David: The only test I ever took that I scored on every single thing -- below average sperm concentration, poor mobility, abnormal morphology, whatever the hell that is…. adversely affected by sperm antibodies – hell, according to the report, my sperm is allergic to itself.
Maddie watches him silently.
David: I know it doesn’t make sense. I know we’ve been pregnant before. For all I know, I was the reason that things went wrong the last time.
Maddie can’t watch him suffer.
Maddie: David, listen…..
David: I switched to boxers years ago…stopped smoking, well, almost completely…haven’t done recreational drugs since the seventies…don’t ride a bike….cut down on drinking….hell, maybe it’s the hot tub.
David stares out the window.
Maddie: David…..David, look at me.
He turns from the window, and turns to look at Maddie. She looks at him lovingly, and a huge smile lights her face.
Maddie: David, I’m pregnant.
Shock cut to David’s amazed expression and we FREEZE FRAME.
Credit where credit is due:
To Lizzie, what can you say about someone who is there whenever you need her? Ours is a fortunate friendship, and I’m so grateful we found it.
To Sue, the third in our trio, a group I am so proud to be a part of. You’ve really come through this year, and I’m looking forward to more great collaboration.
To the other trio who inspire this – Glenn, Cybill, and Bruce, who started with something good and made it great great, and most especially to Bruce…who sang to me (and a couple thousand others) on Friday night, and refreshed my memory on what I was doing here-- having fun!
Last but certainly not least, to all the Moonlighting friends and fans, most especially the Virtual readers who have made us feel so welcome and appreciated. I bow to you all.
This is finis for season eight…hope you enjoyed it as much as I did. Hope to see you in September.