The headlights of a speeding dark sedan illuminate the dancing raindrops on a quiet neighborhood street. It makes a screeching stop at the curb in front of a small house. Three armed men dressed in black emerge as a cat skitters across the yard. They jump onto the porch and peek inside the curtained windows. The leader makes a motion with his fist and the bigger man of the three steadies his feet and kicks the front door in. They scramble inside, pointing guns and moving room to room, ready to shoot anything that moves. The house is vacant, though it appears as if its owner left in a hurry.
Man #1: (lowering his weapon) Looks like he was just ahead of us again, Boss.
Leader: (looking around, he holsters his gun and puts his radio to his mouth) We missed the bastard. ETA 20. Over.
Man #3: You want us to let him know we’ve been here?
The leader hesitates in giving the usual order. Looking around the room, he notices several paintings on the walls and a few framed photographs of a beautiful woman. He picks one up and studies it carefully. An angry twitch in his face surfaces and he grits his teeth to control it. He slams the picture down on its table and turns for the door.
Leader: Leave it be!
CUT TO…
ACT I
Scene I
Blue Moon, Three days later, 8:00 AM
Agnes and Bert walk through the door, her keys jingling. She hums and sings “You Are My Sunshine” and tosses the morning paper on her desk. Bert looks as if he slept little, his hair in slight disarray. Or maybe he just needs a haircut…sometimes it’s hard to tell…Agnes makes her way to the coffee cart and commences with her morning duties of preparing fresh coffee for the staff. Bert watches her intently and smiles at the beginning of what might look like a cute little waddle in her step. Suddenly, she grimaces, putting a hand on her baby bump, and he quickly goes to her.
Bert: Agnes? What’s wrong? I told you you should take a day off! Here, here, come sit down.
He takes her by the elbow and guides her to her desk.
Agnes: I’m fine, Bert.
She takes a deep breath and smiles, rubbing her belly.
Agnes: The baby is just really off and running this morning, that’s all.
Taking his hand, she places it on the opposite side of hers.
Bert: (kneeling) Wow! Agnes, he’s going to be a champion in the martial arts!
Agnes: HE? SHE could be the next gold medal Olympic gymnast!
They smile at each other as the rest of the office staff begin to filter in.
Bert: (opens paper) Boy, they’re still talking about that missing groom in the paper. It’s been three days now and still no sign of him. He must have frostbitten toes by now.
He tosses the paper back on the desk.
Agnes: What do you mean, Bert? You think he just LEFT his bride standing at the church? How do you know his disappearance isn’t because of something he couldn’t help?
Bert: Like what? He missed his wedding because of a nasty case of pre-marital jitters that left him glued to the porcelain throne? Give me a break. I had that and it’s nothing any normal, straight-thinking man can avoid on the eve of marriage. This guy just didn’t have it in him, is all. Boy, he must have been pretty bad off---
Agnes: (interrupts, following him to his desk) No! And if I recall, you were in pretty bad shape a whole WEEK before our wedding, Bert. What I mean is, suppose he’s gone missing because of something tragic.
Bert’s radar signals tweak as she frowns, showing signs of becoming too involved emotionally with the whole idea.
Bert: Now Agnes…you’re getting way too worked up about this story and it’s not even Blue Moon’s business. You just stay here and answer your phone, give it your best go with rhyming today and let others worry about missing grooms and jilted brides.
Agnes: I’m perfectly capable of doing more than making phone rhymes, Herbert! I’m pregnant, not clueless!
The office staff stops what they are doing… which isn’t much. The women look at Bert and shake their heads as if in agreement with Agnes. The men look at Agnes and then turn their heads in unison to see how Bert will respond.
Scene II
The Hayes- Addison Bathroom, 9AM
David stands outside the bathroom door, a wet washcloth in hand. He is dressed for the day and ready for work, unusual only because he is ready and Maddie clearly isn’t. He hears the toilet flush and a small groan. He leans into the closed door.
David: Maddie, you okay in there?
Maddie opens the door and emerges. She is still in her nightgown, hair tousled and looking peaked. He takes her by the arm and walks her back to the bedroom, depositing her on the bed. Sitting next to her, he gently wipes her forehead.
David: I think you should take the day off, Maddie. You look awful…
Maddie: Gee, thanks….
She takes the washcloth from him and goes to the bathroom sink, wiping her face again. Looking in the mirror, she indeed looks awful.
David stands behind her.
David: (cautiously) I mean, you should just stay here today and rest.
He rubs her shoulders and smiles, looking at their reflection in the mirror.
Maddie: I’ll be okay. I just have to get through the first few hours of the day and I’ll be fine. Besides, the last thing I want to do is sit around here all day absorbed in how I feel this morning.
She takes a slow breath and holds her stomach, closing her eyes.
Maddie: By noon I’ll be fine. Just give me some time to get dressed.
Miss Me, Maddie’s cute little cocker spaniel, whines at the bedroom door.
David: (kisses the back of her head) Okay, let me take care of the other Missus and then I’ll make you some tea and toast. How’s that sound?
Maddie: Ok ….I think.
She musters up a smile as he looks at her. He turns to leave, holding the dog.
David: Come on, blonde number two. Time to do your business so we can do ours. Hey, stop that, I’ve already washed my face this morning…
Maddie: (sitting on the bed again, listening to David talk to the dog) Though…last time I checked it was still Ms. Hayes.
Grabbing the TV remote, she stretches across the bed.
TV Newswoman: We interrupt your regularly scheduled programming this morning to bring you an update on the mysterious runaway groom from Santa Monica. Steve, what can you tell us?
TV Newsman: Thanks, Kellie. I’m here at the LA Police Headquarters where an all out manhunt for a Mr. Tony Faraway has stalled. This information just in: His shunned bride, Miss Olivia Barrington, was seen exiting the building late last night and sources tell us that she has claimed to not have heard from Mr. Faraway since the day before the scheduled wedding. By all accounts Tony Faraway seemed happy and was planning the last minute details of their honeymoon. Reliable sources have also informed us at KTLA that this is apparently not the first time this Mr. Faraway has left his future wife in the lurch. In fact, this is his third strike at an attempted wedding. However, it is
still unclear if the two former brides were left standing at the chapel as well. So, that’s it for now. Kellie, back to you.
TV Newswoman: Okay, thanks Steve. Boy, I’m thinking three strikes and this guy is out of there for sure.
Steve the Newsman nods slightly at the camera, his teeth glistening white.
TV Newswoman: Well, that’s it for now. KTLA will keep you updated as information is given to us. Now back to Joan Lunden and Good Morning America.
Maddie: (getting up with a sigh) Yeah, no kidding three strikes.
Going to the bathroom, she turns on the shower.
Maddie: You think you know a guy….
Scene III
Blue Moon reception area
The men are on one side, the women on the other, and Bert and Agnes are in the middle. Agnes holds the newspaper she brought in earlier.
Bert: Now sweetheart, don’t get yourself all in a tizzy. It’s not good for you or the little tumbling champ—
Agnes: Herbert Quentin Viola! Just because I’m carrying your child, who by the way, could be a Pulitzer Prize-winning poet no thanks to you, doesn’t mean I can’t at least have an opinion about something that has everyone in every coffee shop in town talking about.
The women shake their heads in agreement.
Bert: I-I-I know Agnes, but to have an opinion and to consider actually trying to find the guy are two different things. You’re in no condition to traipse around town looking for some-some-some schmutz who managed a getaway before his wedding.
All of the men standing behind Bert fold their arms across their chests and shake their heads together in agreement.
Agnes: (holding front page picture of the missing groom in front of Bert’s face) Look at this Herbert! Does he really look like a frozen schmutz to you?
Everyone studies the large picture of the groom. The men seem to be saying, “Yes, he does” and the women hold their hearts as if to say, “Oh, this is so sad.”
Agnes: And look at her!
She opens the paper and shoves a picture of the bride into his face.
Agnes: Why would anyone leave someone so beautiful on the day of his wedding? That’s what I’d like to know!
Bert: Now sweetheart, calm down…
The whole staff continues to quibble over the reason for the groom’s disappearance and is oblivious to a woman that has entered the office.
Woman: Excuse me?
There is instant silence, as everyone turns together and looks at her. Kris and Jamie, who look over Agnes’s shoulder and compare the picture of the bride with the woman standing in the office, instantly recognize her. They share an open-mouthed look of shock. Simmons and Magillicuddy pick up on this and recognize the woman as well.
Woman: (shifting a little uncomfortably) I’m looking for a David Addison and a Madolyn Hayes?
Agnes: (taking charge of office decorum, returning to her desk) Well, you’ve come to the right place! Welcome to Blue Moon Detective Agency. Ms. Hayes and Mr. Addison will be here shortly, in the meantime would you like to have a seat?
The woman’s face turns white as she sees the paper Bert lays on Agnes’s desk. He notices a hint of tears in her eyes. And then he recognizes her face. Agnes feeds off of Bert’s realization, looks to the woman again. And then her brown eyes become big with recognition.
Bert: Uh…perhaps you would be more comfortable in Mr. Addison’s office?
Agnes: (she comes around her desk and takes the woman’s arm) Or Ms. Hayes’s office?
Agnes guides the woman to Maddie’s office, looking past her to Bert. He rolls his eyes and follows, closing the door behind them.
Shoving each other and maneuvering for position, the Wobblies race to the door and press their ears against it. They engage in a boy vs. girl war of rolling eyes, wave offs and pointing fingers. We can hear such comments as “shut up Simmons,” “no way O’Neill,” and “come on Kris!”
COMMERCIAL BREAK
ACT II
Scene I
Century City Plaza Parking Garage, Same morning
David and Maddie pull up in their Lexus Sport Coupe, the radio tuned to classic oldies. Engaged in conversation, David kills the motor.
Maddie: She was left at the church, David. LEFT! And he’s done it two other times! I just can’t imagine—
David: Maddie, why are you so upset about this? You shouldn’t be getting yourself so worked up in your condition.
Maddie: (glaring) Don’t do that!
David: Do what? Tell you that a woman in your condition shouldn’t let someone else’s problems become your problems?
Maddie: Treat me like I can’t handle anything that involves a little emotion just because I spend my mornings tossing the previous night’s dinner!
David: It’s not just that, Maddie, and you know it. Remember what Dr. Weed told us—
Maddie: I do remember, and it had nothing to do with lying around in a comatose state while trying to run a business. This is just a conversation. And it’s time for it to be over.
She reaches for the door and David grabs her.
David: Just a second. A conversation usually involves more than one person, if I recall, and doesn’t automatically shut down just because one of those persons, with child or not, says so.
Maddie: Then what is it?
David: Why are you so enthralled with this missing groom story? It’s not even our case, although it sounds exactly like something we would take on.
Maddie: (looks out the window, sighs, then looks back to David) I don’t know. It’s just that…well… the way it’s been written in the papers and covered on the news…everyone makes it out to be such an unusual thing. When in reality, people…people are always leaving each other for something better, less complicated, less responsibility.
David: (grabs her hand) Do you really believe that Maddie? That when two people really love each other, whether it was fate or not, that one would leave the other because of the off chance there might be a better opportunity with someone else?
He kisses the top of her hand.
Maddie: Well…when you put it that way.
He leans over and kisses her.
David: Blondie, did you really think it through when you ordered this car with bucket seats?
Moving closer, he kisses her again.
David: What do ya’ say we just stay here a while…(yet another kiss) try out the back seat (plants a kiss on her neck)…come to think of it, we never did really christen the leather back there. Better yet, let’s just take an early lunch.
Maddie: (smiling) David it’s nine o’clock in the morning.
She kisses him back.
Maddie: Come on, we’ve got things to do and with any luck a case or two will give us someplace to be.
She goes for the door again.
David: Ah—hang on.
He gets out of the car, quickly comes to Maddie’s side and opens the door.
Maddie: What’s this all about?
David: Just taking care of Mama Bear and Baby Bear.
Maddie rolls her eyes as he takes her hand and helps her out of the car.
Maddie: (smiling) David, I hope you’re around when I’m trying to get myself out of here in six or seven months. That won’t be pretty.
He smiles and closes the door, wrapping an arm around her as they make their way to the elevators.
David: I’m not going anywhere. And you’ll always be nothing but gorgeous in my book.
Scene II
Blue Moon Reception Area
The office staff continues vying for position at Maddie’s office door.
Simmons: (whispering) Knock it off Jamie!
Jamie: (hissing) Oh, I’d love to knock it off! Just get any closer and I’ll knock yours off!
O’Neill: (whispering) Move over Kris!
Kris: (gritting teeth) Tell your friend Macgillicuddy the monkey to move over!
Macgillicuddy: (not whispering) Hey! I heard that!
Maddie and David stand in the middle of the office, slightly amused.
David: Heard what? And why would Viola pick Maddie’s office to hide away with the Missus? Hasn’t he learned anything? Those walls are paper-thin.
He looks at Maddie and winks.
Maddie: All right, WHAT is going on?
They all start speaking at the same time. A blur of mixed words spill out of them and none of it makes sense, other than a few snide comments that make Maddie’s eyebrows rise. David whistles.
David: Okay class, you know the rules….raise your hand before speaking AND?
Wobblies: (in unison) If you can’t say something nice, don’t say nothing at all.
David: That’s right. So who would like to explain this unusual posturing around Ms. Hayes’s door this morning?
They all raise their hands, some enthusiastically, with sounds of oh-oh-oh.
David: O’Neill, you have the floor.
The women roll their eyes.
O’Neill: Well sir, Ms. Hayes, it’s the jilted bride everyone has been talking about and reading about in the papers and we’re just making sure the ladies—
The women break the ranks.
Jamie: Oh brother, here we go again!
Macgillicuddy: Seriously, Jamie! What makes you think you and your team could ever actually find the guy? Even the cops have no clue!
Kris: That’s because most men are clueless when it comes to—
David whistles again.
David: Foul on Kris. You are in the penalty box until lunchtime.
Maddie: What? David, it’s very obvious this isn’t just about the bride that found herself alone on her wedding night.
The Wobblies raise their hands again for permission to speak.
Maddie: Kris, please continue.
David rolls his eyes.
Kris: Well, Ms. Hayes. All the men think that just because Agnes is pregnant she shouldn’t be allowed or isn’t CAPABLE of investigating the missing groom case. Apparently, the work is too strenuous!
She makes a mocking face at the men.
David: Maybe the men are just concerned about the welfare of mother and child?
Maddie: Or maybe they’re just afraid we’d show them up!
David looks at Maddie incredulously.
David: WE? Oh-ho-ho Ms. Hayes!
He looks to the men.
David: This sounds like a challenge my fellow male wobblies. The only thing missing is the actual case of the missing groom and since we don’t have it, I suppose the senoritas are off the hook.
Together all of the Wobblies shake their heads no and thumb Maddie’s office door.
Maddie: Enough with the sign language! What are you all trying to say? That the most talked about missing person manhunt has landed here? At Blue Moon? Ha!
They all nod their heads yes and together point again to Maddie’s door.
Maddie looks at David in awe.
Maddie: David, since when did Bert and Agnes interview possible clients? That’s always been my job…and yours…are you behind this, Addison?
She sneers slightly with her question. David shrugs and holds his hands up.
David: I’ve got nothing to do with this, Maddie, so I suggest we take this little meeting into your office…minus six or seven extras that seem to have been given speaking parts.
He looks at Maddie.
David: When did that happen?
Maddie: A while ago, David. Pay attention!
They exit the reception area and enter Maddie’s office.
Scene III
Maddie’s office
Bert is sitting on the corner of Maddie’s desk and Agnes sits in a chair opposite the woman.
Maddie: Good morning Agnes…Bert…I don’t recall having an appointment scheduled for this morning.
Bert stands, looking as if he’s been caught.
Agnes: You didn’t Ms. Hayes, but Ms. Barrington came in looking for you and Mr. Addison and we sort of told her we’d take her case but I just know it’s something we could do and we’d be helping her and proving a point that just because women are---
David: Whoa! Ms. DiPesto, I can’t hear what you’re saying with all those mice and their squeaky wheels in that brain of yours.
Maddie: Agnes, why don’t you start by introducing us to our new client?
David: Wait a minute! That’s not how this works!
Ms. Barrington: (stands) I’m sorry, Ms. Hayes, Mr. Addison. I was under the impression that Ms. DiPesto had decided—
Bert clears his throat.
Ms. Barrington: (looks to Bert) And Mr. Viola of course-- had decided that Blue Moon could help me find Tony. But if not, I can certainly find another agency that might be interested.
Agnes eyes David and Maddie.
Maddie: Please, uh, Ms. Barrington, is it?
Ms. Barrington: Yes, Olivia Barrington.
Maddie: My apologies for the confusion. I’m Maddie Hayes and this is David Addison. Can you tell us why you’re here?
David shakes his head. Ms. Barrington sits down again.
Ms. Barrington: Three days ago, I was supposed to be getting married, Ms. Hayes. Tony and I had planned a wedding, very simple and small, only our closest friends and immediate family members. It was to take place at St. Anne’s Catholic Church in Santa Monica. We rehearsed the night before, had dinner with the wedding party and then said goodnight. We were happy and looking forward to the next day and our honeymoon the week after….this week, actually…
David watches as Maddie becomes engaged in the story. He notices Bert eyeing him and then turns his attention back to Ms. Barrington.
Ms. Barrington: But, an hour before we were to say our vows he was nowhere to be found. It’s like he just disappeared.
David: And, apparently, he’s done this a few other times?
Ms. Barrington: Well…Mr. Addison, that’s the thing. During my last conversation with the LAPD detectives they revealed to me that Tony has left two other women before. This just isn’t possible…
David and Ms. Barrington notice Maddie’s suspecting look.
Ms. Barrington: I’ve known him for eight years, Ms. Hayes, and we know everything about each other. He would never lie to me and he would never leave me on our wedding day unless it was something out of his control. I know him…he just wouldn’t….
Maddie: Well, Ms. Barrington, how would you like us to help you?
Ms. Barrington: Find him…find him and bring him back.
David: Ms. Barrington, what if he doesn’t want to be found?
Maddie gives David a knowing look. Ms. Barrington looks shocked at his suggestion. Agnes gives him a look of disagreement and looks to Bert. Bert sighs and rolls his eyes.
Bert: (murmurs) Great…
David: What I mean is, what if for some reason he can’t come back?
Maddie regards David again.
Maddie: Well, before we can take your case, I’d like to speak with my partner. Would you excuse us a moment, please?
Agnes and Bert hesitate to leave the office, not sure if they would have the ranking to share in their discussion, but so obviously wanting to.
Maddie: Ms. DiPesto…and Mr. Viola? Would you join us outside, please?
Agnes scurries out. Bert lingers and gives David the secret man-code look. They follow Maddie and Agnes out and close the door.
David: Don’t worry, Herbert. Maddie won’t want this case.
Bert: (nodding towards the women who have circled Maddie and Agnes) Don’t be so sure, sir.
David sees Maddie looking over Agnes ’s shoulder at him. The male Wobblies begin circling Bert and David.
Magillicuddy: So, how are we gonna play it, Boss?
David: (still looking at the women) Safe, Magillicuddy. Play it safe.
Bert: Oh boy….
The women open their circle and line up in front of David’s office. Not to be outdone, the men do the same in front of Maddie’s office. David and Maddie meet in the middle.
David: Maddie, are you sure you really want to do this? Is Agnes really capable of doing this?
Maddie: What David? She knows what she can handle…I know what I can handle. And besides…I don’t think it’s going to take us long to solve this. Seems pretty cut and dry to me why Mr. Faraway has disappeared.
David: (he studies her curiously) Yes, I imagine you think you know…and you think it is, huh?
Maddie: Yes…I do.
David eyes her again and smiles. Maddie suddenly realizes what she just said, given they are talking about a botched wedding. She lets out a little embarrassed laugh.
Maddie: And it is.
David: (under his breath) Okay, Maddie. You asked for it. Guess you didn’t learn your lesson the last time we had a gender war around here.
He turns and addresses the entire office.
David: Looks as if the games are on, folks. May the best team, (he looks at the men) -- we know which one that is-- win!
The ladies applaud enthusiastically. Jamie thumbs her nose at Simmons. O’Neill waves them off. Kris stands with hands on hips, ready for war.
David: (pulls Maddie to him) Did you take your vitamins yet this morning? Naptime is at eleven and two, my office, PJ’s optional.
He smiles and Maddie gives him a little shove. She goes to her office and the women follow.
Maddie: Ms. Barrington, we’ll take your case.
Magillicuddy smirks.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
ACT III
Scene I
David’s office, After the meeting with Olivia Barrington
David sits behind his desk engaged in a phone conversation. The men sit around the office looking bored and Bert alternates between standing and pacing in front of David’s desk.
David: Okay, That’s perfect. You can probably expect them later this afternoon…you won’t be able to miss them. One of them waddles and the blonde, well let’s just say she walks just fine…yes…okay, thanks…Blue Moon owes you one…okay, bye.
Hanging up phone.
David: This is just way too easy, Viola. One of Donegan’s men will make sure the Faraway file is ready and waiting when they get there. That is, after we pick up our own copy. So, when Maddie and her little band of wannabes show up digging for information—
Bert: (grinning) They’ll be half a leg behind us!
David: (smiling back) That’s right, Bert. He assured me that they would put them through the ringer on the phone with enough holds to wear ‘em down. They won’t know who to thank, but it’ll cut their work time in half and with any luck they’ll be home tonight and in bed (he winks) before us Papa Bears get home.
Magillicuddy: (standing) Wait a minute! We’re gonna let them win?
Bert: No Magillicuddy! We’re not letting them win! Weren’t you listening? We’re just helping them along, keeping them from spending late hours doing surveillance or tracking down clues.
David: Here’s the plan. Magillicuddy? You, Simmons and O’Neill stay here and keep an eye on the home front. Try to stall them long enough so Bert and I can get to the police station to pick up our own copy of the Faraway file. When you can’t keep them here any longer call my cell phone and we’ll pick up the watch. In the meantime, we’ll poke around Faraway’s residence. Surely a guy who took off running the night before his wedding left some clues behind as to where he is. Maybe the LAPD detectives overlooked something. Everybody got it?
Magillicuddy: Yeah, I got it, but I don’t like it! Why can’t we just solve the case ourselves and put this one to bed. It’s so obvious the guy just doesn’t like the idea of getting married. He’s probably off making a new love nest somewhere.
Bert: (baring teeth) Magillicuddy, so help me if you breathe a word of your opinion around Agnes and upset her I’ll—
David: (standing and giving Bert a pat on the back) Easy Bert.
Magillicuddy: (rolling eyes) Viola, cool your jets. I’m not going to upset Agnes.
David: Exactly! Let’s not forget we have to work and live with ‘em, fellas. We’re going to solve the case and we’re going to beat them at their own game. Only this time, men, we’re gonna make them think they won all by themselves.
Simmons raises his hand to be called on.
David: (rolls eye) Simmons?
Simmons: Well, sir, I was wondering…exactly how are we going to make them think they won if we already won? And what if they find out?
David: You, O’Neill and Macgillicuddy are gonna make sure they don’t. Leave the how to me. Now get out there and man your posts men!
Simmons, O’Neill and Magillicuddy leave the office as David gives them each a high five.
David: (turning to look at Bert) I know that look. Chill Bert. We’ve got this.
He grabs his coat from the back of his chair.
Bert: Yeah, I know, but Mr. Addison, I don’t want to see Agnes get her heart broken over this. She is so sure that Faraway is missing because he’s been ran out of town or kidnapped or or-or-or, God forbid, chopped into tiny pieces by the mafia or something, when we know he’s probably doing exactly as Magillicuddy said, shacking up with the next unsuspecting bride.
David: (putting on his coat) Herbert, you’re starting to sound like a man who’s lost his feminine side.
Bert: My-my feminine side, sir?
David: What makes you so sure that Tony Faraway is just some guy who changed his mind without any regard for the woman he left? Where’s your faith in love and romance? Now let’s go see if we can find the guy.
David exits the office and Bert follows.
Bert: (mumbles) Right…my feminine side.
Scene II
SCENE: Maddie’s office
Jamie and Kris are pampering Agnes who has her shoes kicked off and feet propped up on the coffee table. Jamie hands her a glass of milk. Maddie listens intently on the phone.
Maddie: (sighs) Yes, I’ll hold, but this is the third time…hello?
Looks at the receiver and puts it back on its cradle.
Maddie: He cut me off! God, it’s a wonder they manage to solve the crimes that they do!
Jamie gets up and sits in the chair in front of Maddie’s desk.
Jamie: So, what’s the game plan, Ms. Hayes? So far, all we know is that Faraway has left two other women before.
Maddie: Yeah, you’d think Ms. Barrington would know that little piece of information after eight years.
Kris: (joining Jamie at Maddie’s desk) Yeah, you would, wouldn’t you… but what if he never told her about them? And she had absolutely no reason to think he’d done something like that before? From what Agnes said earlier, they were very much in love. What if he has reasons for taking off like he did?
Agnes: Oh, I hate to think something horrible has happened, but every fiber in my being is telling me that this isn’t the usual case of a runaway groom who chickened out at the last minute.
Jamie: Yeah, I shudder to think that something corrupt is going on.
Maddie starts to pick the phone up again, but hesitates, contemplating her team.
Maddie: What if he did?
Agnes: Did what, Ms. Hayes?
Maddie: (feeling the need to tread lightly with her opinion) Well, what if he did just, you know, chicken out at the last minute?
Jamie and Kris’s jaw fall open. Agnes has a look of concern.
Maddie: (realizing for the first time she is in the minority) I’m sure if it were researched thoroughly statistics would tell you that, in most cases, it’s the groom who calls it off before the wedding…
Jamie: (concerned) Ms. Hayes—
Maddie picks the phone up again and dials.
Maddie: If I could just get someone at the station to talk to me instead of shuffling me from one extension to the other and we could get our hands on Faraway’s case file, then we’ll know more, I’m sure. And if not, well, we are a detective agency, are we not?
Jamie thinks twice about what she was about to say.
Agnes: Why don’t we go try on our phones at our desks? Maybe four of us calling all at once will get through to them.
Maddie: Okay, sure.
Jamie and Kris exit, sharing an eye roll between them that Maddie doesn’t see. Agnes finishes her milk and reveals a cute little milk mustache. Maddie hands her a tissue.
Agnes: (standing to go) I just hope Faraway is okay. I mean, this is just a terrible thing.
Maddie: Well, I think he—
Agnes: What would you do, if you were left like Ms. Barrington? I know what I would do, Ms. Hayes. I’d ignore all the papers and the news stations and the statistics and go find my Herbert.
Her brown eyes well with tears.
Maddie: Now, Agnes…
Agnes: And I wouldn’t quit until I found him.
Maddie: Well, that is what we’re trying to do. Let’s find him and then, hopefully, Ms. Barrington can move on with her life.
Agnes: But Ms. Hayes, do you really believe that someone would leave the one person they love more than anything in the world just because of a case of nerves? Or worse, because they thought there would be a better opportunity with someone else?
Maddie leans back in her chair.
Maddie: (with a little squint) Whom have you been talking to?
Agnes: (looking around office with puzzled look) I…I’ve been talking to you, Ms. Hayes.
Maddie: Agnes, I think you should prepare yourself for the possibility that Tony Faraway was a no show at his own wedding because he simply changed his mind. Marriage wasn’t for him…(raising an eyebrow) obviously, since he’s left two other women. Maybe he decided the responsibility of a husband and, somewhere down the road, being a father was just…well, too much for him.
The phone rings.
Maddie: Maddie Hayes…Jamie?…What?…Why are you whispering?…Oh, they are, huh?…Okay, Agnes and I will be right out. (Hanging phone up with a gleam in her eye) Agnes, our boys are up to no good and I think it’s time they learned a lesson.
Agnes: (smiling) I’ll say. You’d think they’d learn by now.
Maddie grabs her purse and Agnes follows.
Maddie: (hand on the door) Why don’t we just go down to the station, quit with the courtesy call and ditch the stooges in the office, what do ya’ say?
Agnes: Sounds great to me.
Maddie: (whispering) Does Bert still stash his ties in your desk drawer?
Agnes: Yes, I think there might be one or two.
Maddie: One will do just fine. Follow my lead…
Cue Music…
Scene III
Reception area
A few moments before Agnes and Maddie enter
What you don't know about women
(What you don't know about women)
Could fill a shelf of books
You are the type of man who looks
For understanding lovers
But never understands the girl
Who lies beneath the covers
You only have to open up your mouth to show
What you don't know
(And you don't know)
About women
A woman needs to be assured
That she remains alluring
To now and then be reassured
Your passion is enduring
It's not enough to know your line
To polish and routine it
And heaven knows I know your line
The whole routine, I've seen it
Ya gotta mean it
O’Neill peers over top of a newspaper at Kris.
Kris: (puts her phone down and crosses eyes) What are you looking at?
O’Neill: Uh, nothing. Just catching up on the latest press on the Faraway case.
Kris walks over to him.
Kris: Yeah, well, it might help… though with you, I’m not so sure…to read it right side up.
She takes the paper and turns it around. O’Neill looks caught.
What you don't know about women
(What you don't know about women)
Is what we need to hear
You think if you can sound sincere
Then we'll come running to you
Throw in some truth for atmosphere
But we can see right through you
And every hollow compliment and phrase defines
And underlines
What you don't know about women
Simmons feigns shooting a Nerf ball into a wastebasket that is suspiciously close to Jamie’s desk, and goes to retrieve it.
Jamie holds her phone receiver under her chin, grabs the ball that landed in her coffee cup and throws it at Simmons, nailing him right between the eyes.
Jamie: Don’t mess with the Dodge Ball Queen, Simmons!
What you don't know about women's
Only a drop in the ocean
Next to what you don't know about me
You are in need of
A little enlightening
On ladies and love
But you can't see
What you don't know about women
Is frightening
And you don't know nothing' about me
Kris gets the ball and sits on it at her desk. Simmons starts to look for it.
Magillicuddy shoots a perfectly folded airplane at Kris that goes awry.
Maddie: (snatches airplane mid-air) Recess isn’t until AFTER lunch, Magillicuddy!
O’Neill: (under his breath) Busted…
Magillicuddy glares at him and O’Neill snickers.
Maddie: IN the MEANTIME, let’s get some work done, how ‘bout it? I’m sure the B team could use your help…speaking of which, where is the other half of Team Shenanigans?
Agnes casually wanders over to her desk and pilfers through her one junky drawer, pulling out a tie with a silhouette of a naked mud flap lady printed on it. Embarrassed, she quickly tucks it into the pocket of her maternity smock.
Maddie goes to David’s door and starts to open it. Simmons, O’Neill and Magillicuddy bound after her.
Magillicuddy: Uh, wait, Ms. Hayes!
Maddie: Wait?
The rest of the women line up behind the men.
Magillicuddy: Yeah, uh…well, they asked to not be disturbed…uh they-they, uh…
Maddie: Oh, I get it! They’re playing the game! In it to win it, huh boys?
Maddie smiles, making the three men feel a little uneasy.
Maddie: Well, how about, to be fair, of course, if you three join them in Mr. Addison’s office for a while? We need the outer office for a few things and then you can have it, say, at recess time?
Maddie looks to Agnes and the other women who all nod in agreement.
Magillicuddy: (still uneasy) Uh, well, sure Ms. Hayes. We could do that…to be fair and all.
He opens the door just enough for all three of them to slink through and closes the door.
Maddie: (whispering) Quick Agnes, the tie.
Agnes pulls it out. Maddie holds it up in awe.
Agnes: Sorry Ms. Hayes, it’s the best I could do. It was a gift at Bert’s bachelor party.
Maddie: David’s gift?
Agnes nods her head.
Maddie: (sighs) Figures!
Jamie and Kris laugh.
Maddie: Well, it’ll have to do.
She quickly ties the handles of the office door in a triple knot. The end of the tie dangles, the nude silhouette hangs proudly.
Maddie: (checking the knot and smiling) That ought to hold’em in there a while. Let’s go!
The four women grab their purses and dash to the door.
Maddie: Lunch is on me, ladies. Something tells me it’ll be safe to celebrate a victory early.
Agnes: I could eat!
Turning down the hallway to the elevator.
Maddie: (laughing) I wish I could see David’s face right now, held captive in his own office!
She punches the elevator button
CUT TO: Reception area outside David’s door. Voices are heard inside.
Magillicuddy: (ear pressed to door) Okay, they’ve left. Simmons, call Mr. Addison and let him know.
Simmons looks stricken. Magillicuddy jumps to action, grabbing the phone.
Magillicuddy: How 'bout today, Simmons? Give me the number.
Simmons looks to O'Neill.
O'Neill: Don't look at me!
Magillicuddy: (slams phone down) You don’t know the number?
Simmons: (jiggling the door) Hey! It’s locked or something!
O’Neill gives it a try and then Magillicuddy, ala The Three Stooges.
Magillicuddy: (prying door a smidgen, voice strained) It looks like they’ve tied it shut!
Magillicuddy plops onto the leather sofa, defeated.
O’Neill and Simmons: (together) Hey! Open up! Somebody?…Anybody?
Commercial Break
Scene IV
Later that day
Maddie pulls up to the curb outside the house seen earlier. Agnes sits in the front with her and Jamie and Kris are in the back. It’s a beautiful day in the neighborhood. On one side of the street a man walks by with his dog and a woman strolls by pushing a baby in a stroller.
Maddie thumbs through a file. Agnes looks intently at the house.
Agnes: So this is the place? It’s just like I imagined it.
Maddie: (looking up and out at the house) And how is that, Agnes?
Agnes: It’s simple, yet cared for. Not too small for two people, but large enough to add a kid or two. It has that look of someone who’s committed to it and plans on staying around a while.
Maddie: And you know all of this just by looking at the outside of the house?
Agnes: (shrugs) Well, look around the neighborhood.
Everyone looks out her respective window.
Agnes: Looks to me like a place where two people could live and make a happy home with a family. It’s just a feeling, Ms. Hayes, that’s all. Are we going in?
Kris and Jamie turn their gaze to the house.
Kris: Looks safe enough to me.
Maddie: I think we need to go in and see if the LAPD overlooked anything. (Looks to the file in her lap again) From what it says here, Faraway was involved with two other women before Olivia Barrington. But, it doesn’t say that he left them on the day of their wedding, only that the relationships ended abruptly. Humph. Here’s a short statement from a Stacy Little and a Karen Pearle taken from the police stating Faraway was a potential longtime mate, but that the relationships never got that far. He simply disappeared. And from the looks of this they both filed missing person reports with the police in Oregon and Utah…LAPD say there was no evidence of them in the house and the only thing that looked fishy was the front door…the lock on the door was broken, but has since been repaired. Hmm…I wonder why Ms. Barrington didn’t say anything about a break in when we she gave us the key?
Jamie: Oregon and Utah? So this guy has been moving around?
Maddie: Apparently so. Three missing person reports filed on him and he’s finally linked to the other two. Sounds to me like he just doesn’t want to be tied down.
Agnes: Or he’s afraid of something.
Maddie: (eyeing Agnes) I say we go in. Maybe we’ll know more after looking around.
CUT TO
David and Bert…they are sitting in Bert’s car at the same house, only they are parked behind it on another street. David holds their copy of the police file on Faraway. Bert eyes the neighborhood, distracted.
David: So far so good, Bert. We haven’t heard from Magillicuddy, so we can assume Donegan’s crew at the station is still stalling the little group of over-achievers back at the office.
Bert doesn’t answer, but continues to survey the neighborhood.
David: (reading file) Says here that Faraway’s two other girlfriends were—
Bert: Brides.
David: No, those other two were just girlfriends that filed missing person reports when he disappeared the other two times. Nothing here says anything about impending weddings.
Bert: Humph…
David: (puts file down) All right, Viola, what’s with you? You’ve done nothing but mope around since we left the office.
Bert: (keeping his eyes on the house) I never wanted to take this case. Agnes should not be involved in this kind of case right now. It’s just going to end up being some sad sappy ending where men everywhere will be chastised and labeled as a bunch of-of-of non-committal morons who wouldn’t see a good thing in front of them if it were plastered to their asses!
David looks at him curiously.
Bert: Ah, you know what I mean!
David: Okay, you’ve made your point. What do you say we go inside, take a look around and see if you still feel the same?
Bert: (shrugs) Yeah, whatever. It’s just going to be the same sad story of love lost while some guy is in the depths of some nasty secret he didn’t want anyone to know. And Agnes is going to be so mad at me at the end of this.
David: (opening car door) No sweat, Bert. Think of all the great ways you two can make-up.
Bert sits in the car, scheming with a snicker.
David: Come on, will ya!
He closes the door, shaking his head at the junior detective. Bert finally stumbles out of the car and trots to catch up with David as he makes his way to a gate that leads to the backyard of the house. He stops to check the area out before opening it.
Bert: (running into David) Sorry, sir.
David looks over his shoulder at him and gives him a “knock it off” kind of look.
Bert: How do we get in?
David: Pretty sure the police left it locked up tight based on the report about the broken lock on the front door. Let’s go check the back door and windows.
Looking to see if anyone else is around, they work their way to the back porch. David jiggles the screen door and finds it latched. They continue to the side of the house and peek over a window ledge.
CUT TO: a dark sedan parked on the same street as Maddie’s car.
One man sits in the front seat, the driver side window lowered. He gets out of the car and flicks a cigarette butt into the street, stamping it with the sole of his slickly polished shoe. Exhaling a stream of smoke, he sees four women standing on the front
porch of the house. A twitch appears 1n one cheek and he grits his teeth to try and control it.
Maddie digs through her large purse in search of the key that was given to them by Ms. Barrington.
Maddie: It’s in here somewhere…aha!
She puts the key into the lock and opens the door slowly.
CUT TO
David and Bert shimmying their way up into a raised window that leads to a bedroom. David makes it in first, climbing easily and landing on his feet. Bert, on the other hand, clumsily throws one leg in, straddles the windowsill a moment, and then falls with a thud onto the wooden floor. David, who has already started snooping around, jumps a little, caught off guard from his noisy entrance.
Bert: Ugh…ouch…
David: (offers helping hand) Stop goofing around, Bert!
Bert: Sorry, sir.
David goes to a nightstand and picks up a picture.
David: Same woman in all of the pictures in here…our Ms.Barrington.
Suddenly, they hear voices in another room. David and Bert quickly cross the bedroom, getting close to the wall, standing behind the door.
CUT TO the den
Maddie: Everything seems pretty normal in here. How about we start with the desk drawers, the end tables, and maybe under the sofa and cushions.
Jamie: (putting down a framed picture of Barrington) What exactly are we looking for?
Maddie: Anything that might look like Faraway was trying to hide something…anything that might explain why he took off the way he did or where he went.
Kris opens a drawer to an end table and pokes around. Jamie gets on the floor and looks under the sofa.
Jamie: Nothing here!
Maddie: (looking in desk drawer) Bills, checkbook, stamps…stationary. Hmm, a photo album. I wonder what might be in here?
She opens it and sees that it’s full of pictures of Faraway and Olivia both looking very much in love and happy.
Agnes lifts a sofa cushion and then notices a magazine on the coffee table that has something tucked inside. She sits and picks it up, discovering a brochure.
Agnes: Wow! This looks to be where they were supposed to go on their honeymoon.
She notices a painting on the wall. She looks back to the brochure, back to the painting several times.
Agnes: (still comparing the painting and the brochure, she goes to stand in front of it) Look at this, Ms. Hayes. This painting is the same as the picture on this brochure. I just bet you anything this was their honeymoon destination! Look, it’s signed by the groom himself and dated almost exactly a year ago!
All four women gather in front of the painting, their backs to the front door.
Agnes: He’s an artist.
CUT TO - David and Bert
David: (still hiding with Bert, whispering) What are they doing here? The ding-a-lings back at the office never called us.
Bert starts to go out, ready to reprimand Agnes. David grabs him.
David: Hang on, Viola. If we go out there right now there’ll be hell to pay. Just give them a minute. If they come this way we go out the way we came, got it?
Bert: Yeah…yeah, okay.
CUT TO front porch.
The man with the twitch bounds up the steps, stops at the door and quietly opens it.
Agnes: (pulling an envelope from the brochure) Whoa! Look at this! It’s airline tickets for two! And they’re for tomorrow, not last week!
Man: (matter of fact) Yeah…look at that.
The women jump and turn together.
Maddie: Who are you?
Man: Not for you to bother yourself with that bit of information. What do ya’ say you ladies just have a seat and we’ll have a little chat.
They remain standing where they are, as if to put up a fight.
Man: (pulling out a gun) Okay, if we have to do this the hard way.
Jamie and Kris scurry to the sofa, a little rattled.
Man: (pointing gun at Agnes and Maddie) Let’s go you two!
Maddie swallows hard, more frightened now than wanting to argue, and goes to the sofa. Agnes falters and she grabs her arm to make her follow.
Maddie: Come on, Agnes.
CUT BACK TO - David and Bert
Bert: Did you hear that? Who is that?
David: I don’t know, but this can’t be good.
They creep around the door and David peeks around the corner. He clearly sees what’s going on and then hides again with his back to the wall, looking at Bert.
David: Now Bert, don’t panic, but it looks like the team of Wonder Women are being held against their will.
Bert starts to barrel out and David grabs him again. Now they’re both becoming agitated with the situation.
David: Herbert, we’re gonna come to their rescue, just hang on. We have to think!
David takes another peek and sees the man set his gun down on a nearby table. He hides again.
David: Okay, this is what we do. Take my phone and go back out the window—
Bert: (shaking head and tries to leave again) I’m not leaving Agnes, sir!
David: (grabs him with both fists by his shirt) Viola! You listen to me! No one is leaving anybody! Agnes is going to be fine; Maddie is going to be fine. Just do what I tell you! When you get out call the police and then go to the front porch. Make like the mailman or the pizza guy and knock on the door, you got it?
Bert starts to leave and David grabs him one more time.
David: But, Herbert, make sure you make the call to the police!
Bert: Yes, sir. I’ve got this.
David: We’ve got this Viola. What a way to earn your stars, huh?
David gives him a little backhanded slap on the chest and Bert eases out the window. There’s another thud and a grunt outside. David rolls his eyes and goes back to the bedroom door. He peeks around the corner again and tries to hear the conversation in the den.
CUT BACK TO - the den.
Man: (pulling out a cigarette and lighting it) So, ladies… Tell me…exactly why would you be here at Faraway’s house? Did he leave all of you standing at the church?
He grins, eyeing Maddie up and down, and then Kris and Jamie.
Maddie glances at the gun he laid on the table.
And then he scrutinizes Agnes a little closer.
Man: I guess in your case, though, he couldn’t make an honest woman out of you.
Maddie: (standing, face flushed) Listen, mister. I don’t know who you are, or who you think you are, but you have no business questioning someone else’s integrity!
He keeps his seat, perusing Maddie even closer. A smirk slowly appears across his face.
Man: (laughing) Integrity?
Maddie glares back at him.
Man: Ah, don’t get your panties in a wad!
Maddie: Who are you?
Man: (now agitated and annoyed) Sit down, lady!
David watches as the man tries to control a twitch on one side of his face with a swipe of his hand.
David: (pulls back from crack in door, whispering) That bastard!
Heart pounding, he desperately tries to get Maddie’s attention, making hand signals and pointing to the bathroom.
Agnes’s eyes grow big. She’s the one who sees David peeking around the corner. Her eyes shift between Maddie and the man, hoping Maddie sees David. She looks to David again and realizes what he is asking.
Agnes: Uh, excuse me, but may I be excused?
Man: (chuckles) Excused where? You ladies ain’t going anywhere until I get some answers!
Agnes: Well, unless you want a really big mess in here, I suggest you allow me to excuse myself to the bathroom.
Maddie: She is pregnant, you know. You should let her go to the bathroom.
Man: (looks Agnes over again) Yeah…okay…but don’t think about trying anything and make it quick.
Agnes seeks Maddie’s approval and then eases herself from the sofa. David, still perched down the hallway, points again to the bathroom. She goes to it and David steps quickly through the hallway and to the bathroom to meet her.
Agnes: (closing bathroom door, whispering) Oh, Mr. Addison am I glad to see you!
David: Agnes, when I said it was the men against the women I didn’t mean men like that guy out there! What could you ladies have been thinking?
Agnes: Probably the same thing you men have been thinking, Mr. Addison. Search for clues and solve the case. Just because we’re women and—
David: All right, all right, Ms. DiPesto, this is no time to advance the rights of women. Besides, you’d be preaching to the choir. What’s going on out there?
Agnes: He just wants to know why we’re here. I’m pretty sure he’s looking for Faraway, like everyone else. And I think I found a pretty big clue. I just don’t understand it. There were two tickets to Mexico, Mr. Addison, and they’re for tomorrow. Not last week, not three days ago when Faraway disappeared, but tomorrow. What could that mean?
David: It probably means what I suspected all along. Tony Faraway didn’t leave his bride at the altar; he left to protect her from the goon that’s out there trying to entertain the tough crowd on the sofa.
Agnes: I knew you didn’t think he got cold feet, I just knew it! I sure hope you’ve talked some sense into Herbert. Is he with you?
David: He’s gone out the window and is due to make his entrance any minute now.
David looks at his watch and realizes Bert is taking longer than he expected.
Agnes: (looking worried) Oh, I hope he doesn’t try to be a hero, Mr. Addison. I couldn’t forgive myself if something happened to him.
David: (taking Agnes’s arm and making her sit on the toilet lid) Agnes, believe me, between the two of you the feeling is mutual.
He sees she is truly worried, as tears well in her eyes.
David: It’s going to be okay…I promise, Agnes.
She meets his eyes and nods.
CUT TO Bert outside house sitting in a flowerbed with David’s cell phone to his ear.
Bert: Damn phone! Come on! Go through, for Pete’s sake!
He wipes sweat and dirt from his face and only manages to make a bigger, smeared mess.
Bert: One last try and then that’s it. I’m going in.
He dials again and listens. Finally, the call goes through.
Lady: Los Angeles Police Department. How may I direct your call?
Bert: Yes? LAPD? Yes this is Herbert Viola with the Blue Moon Detective Agency and I’m calling to report--
Lady: (garbled) Could you repeat that please?
Bert: (trying to keep his voice down, but feeling the need to yell into the phone) I said, this is Herbert Viola with the Blue Moon Detective Agency—
Lady: Sherbert Friola with whom?
He stands and paces.
CUT BACK TO - David and Agnes in the bathroom
David cracks the door and peeks down the hallway again. He sees Maddie still sitting on the sofa. The man is now sitting on the arm of a chair with his back to the bathroom, a little too close to the women for comfort. He can see Kris and Jamie fidgeting, crossing their legs and eyeing the man boldly. Maddie looks to be plain annoyed and he can hear their conversation.
CUT BACK TO - Den
Maddie: (looks the man straight in the eye) Why do you want to find Tony Faraway? Did he steal one of your girlfriends or something?
Man: (face twitches again) Or something.
David closes the door, shaking his head. He turns back to Agnes.
David: Okay, Agnes. You can’t take too long in here or he’ll get suspicious. As much as I don’t want to send you back out there, you better go. Bert should have gotten the police by now.
He looks at his watch again.
Agnes: Don’t worry, Mr. Addison. As long as you and Herbert are here everything will turn out fine.
David: (hand on doorknob) Speaking of heroes, do you think you could get Goldilocks to not talk so much? That mouth of hers, as nice of a mouth that it is, is going to get her in trouble, Agnes, if you know what I mean.
Agnes: I do, Mr. Addison. But, I think her heart is in the right place, you know?
David smiles slightly.
David: I know…at least…I thought I knew…you know?
Agnes smiles back and nods.
David: Okay, back you go.
He opens the door and she steps out, looking back at him once more, but this time with more confidence. He gives her thumbs up before she closes the door. Leaning against the wall, he looks at his watch again and wonders what he’s going to do if Bert doesn’t come through with his part of the plan.
The shower curtain flutters slightly. David looks up to see if possibly an air conditioning vent blew it. It’s not on. He looks at the curtain again, gets up slowly and steadies his feet, ready for whoever is behind it.
David: Okay…I know you’re in there.
No answer. This is unnerving.
David: (looking around bathroom) Look, pal. I think since we’re in such an intimate setting, there’s no need to discuss the situation we have here like it’s a confessional. That is, unless you’d like to confess something…
Still no answer.
David: (resisting the urge to raise his voice) Don’t make me come in there!
Voice: Okay, okay, I’m coming out, but I’m unarmed!
David steps back, as the curtain is slowly pulled open. A man stands in the bathtub before him. His jaw drops.
David: I don’t know why I’m surprised. This kind of stuff happens all of the time. Just when you think something crazy is going to happen on this show…well, something usually does. I’m guessing there’s going to be some crazy chase scene now.
The man continues to stand in the tub, a little confused with David’s one-sided conversation.
David: Mr. Faraway, I presume?
The man steps out of the shower and David steps back.
Faraway: You presume correctly. David Addison of the Blue Moon Detective Agency, I presume?
David nods slightly, studying Mr. Faraway.
David: Your hiding in here wouldn’t have anything to do with the two airline tickets Ms. DiPesto found, would it?
Faraway: Actually, yes, it does.
David steps to the shower and looks behind the curtain.
David: I’m just wondering if you’ve stashed the girlfriend, or in this case, the fiancé, in here, too.
Faraway: Olivia is safe, Mr. Addison, and this isn’t what you think. We staged the whole wedding and my disappearance to try and throw Sincolla off the trail.
David: Sincolla?
Faraway: The man who showed up here again.
David: Oh… Well, as much as I would like to hear more about what this isn’t about, we’ve got ourselves a problem.
Faraway: I know. I came back to get the airline tickets I didn’t have time to grab because of Sincolla and his men three nights ago. I’m sure I don’t have to tell you that he’s bad news.
David: Which is why we have to get out of here and make sure our damsels aren’t in any distress.
David cracks the bathroom door again and sees Agnes standing with her back to him, blocking Sincolla’s view to the bathroom.
David: (whispering) This might be our only chance of getting out of here unnoticed. Or, at least, a head jump on the guy.
He turns to Faraway.
David: You ready?
Faraway: Yeah, but just so you know, he’s not very smart, but he’s a mean son-of-a-bitch.
David: What’d you do to him to make him that way?
Faraway: His girlfriend got caught in the crossfire of a drug raid.
David: You don’t look like a drug dealer to me.
Faraway: I’m not. But, I was the one who told the police about the Sincolla drug ring. The LAPD shut them down in one big showdown eleven years ago. He’s blamed me for his girlfriend’s death and he’s been chasing me ever since.
A rush of adrenaline hits David, fed from the danger in the situation and the anger that envelops him.
David: Then I think we need to end this thing.
He opens the door and he and Faraway tiptoe down the hallway. Maddie, Jamie and Kris see them. Agnes keeps her ground, sensing David is coming up behind her. David makes it within a step away from Sincolla when the doorbell rings and someone knocks loudly.
Bert: (yelling) Pizza delivery! Hot fresh pizza delivered to your door just like you ordered!
Bert continues to knock hard.
Sincolla: I didn’t order any pizza!
He looks at Maddie.
Maddie: Don’t look at me! I couldn’t possibly stomach pizza right now. Jamie? Kris? You order pizza?
Jamie and Kris: (unison) No, I didn’t order pizza. Agnes, did you order the pizza special?
Bert: (still knocking and ringing door bell) Hello? Pizza man here! Hot and fresh pizza at your door!
Agnes: (moving towards to door) No, but since I’m up—
Sincolla: Hold it! I’ll get that!
Agnes jumps back slightly. David makes his move towards Sincolla and Faraway grabs the gun he left on the table. Maddie, Kris and Jamie scurry to the other side of the room.
Maddie: David!
David grabs Sincolla around the shoulders and armpits and throws him face first against the wall. David’s face looks to be wild with emotion. Maddie has never seen him like this before. Bert continues to knock and yell, holding an old pizza box he found in a neighbor’s garbage can.
Agnes finally opens the door and Bert charges through with a pizza box, expecting to head butt Sincolla
Bert: Arrrrgggg!
He lands in a heap in the middle of the room.
Agnes: Herbert! What are you doing?
Bert: (getting up, tossing greasy pizza box aside) What does it look like, Agnes?
Police sirens are heard.
Agnes: Well, what it looks like to me is that you don’t think I can handle a little detective work.
Bert: Now Agnes—
Agnes: (wrapping her arms around him) But, what I think it is…I think it’s just you being you, honey buns.
She plants a kiss on his cheek and he rolls his eyes.
Agnes: My hero!
David: Hey, I’m the one holding the bad guy here!
Maddie: David, are you okay? Be careful!
David: Yeah, Maddie. I’m okay. But boy are you gonna get it when I get you home!
Faraway: I think I hear the police on the way, Mr. Addison
Sincolla struggles and David tightens his grip.
Sincolla: (grunting under David’s hold) Faraway, you’ll pay for this. I swear, if it’s the last thing I do.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
ACT IV
Scene I
Faraway residence, Same day…5pm
Tony Faraway and Olivia Barrington stand in the front yard hugging each other. Sincolla is escorted to the backseat of a police squad car. David stands with another police officer, hands deep inside his pockets, forehead scrunched, as Maddie leans against the car watching him and the bride and groom. He occasionally looks her way, but doesn’t smile or hold eye contact for very long. Bert answers a few questions from the police and then he and Agnes shake hands with the happy couple and join Maddie on the curb.
Agnes: Well, Ms. Hayes, I guess this has a happy ending after all.
Maddie: (eyeing David) Yeah…yeah, I suppose so. But, something tells me Mr. Addison isn’t so happy right now.
Bert and Agnes look across the yard at David. He nervously swipes a hand through his hair as he continues his conversation with the police officer.
Bert: Ms. Hayes, if I may say so, he was really worried about you. We were both worried about you and Agnes. I just hope we’ve all learned a lesson.
He smiles and wraps his arm around Agnes and she leans into him.
Agnes: Yeah, women can do great detective work, pregnant or not.
Bert: That’s not exactly what I meant!
Maddie: (smiling) Why don’t you two go home. We’ll see you tomorrow in the office.
Agnes: Okay, Ms. Hayes. See you tomorrow.
Bert and Agnes turn to go, but Agnes takes a few steps away and then comes back. Bert gives them a moment.
Agnes: Ms. Hayes?
Maddie: Yes, Agnes?
Agnes: Did you really believe that he left her because he was afraid of commitment and white picket fences?
Maddie: Yes, I did.
Agnes: But aren’t you glad it didn’t turn out that way? It kind of invalidates all those things we’re sometimes afraid of, doesn’t it?
Maddie looks to David again as he shakes hands with the police officer and Faraway and makes his way to the car. He stops to speak with Bert.
Maddie: You just may be right about, that Agnes. You just may be right.
Agnes hugs Maddie and leaves to join Bert. David kisses Agnes on the cheek and tells her and Bert goodbye. He hesitates a moment before joining Maddie, quickly peruses the neighborhood with hands in his pockets and then meets Maddie’s gaze.
He slowly goes to the car and opens the door for her to get in.
Maddie: David…
David: Get in the car, Maddie.
Maddie: David?
David: Maddie, just get in the car!
Maddie: (getting in) You’re mad?
Closing the door, he goes around the car and gets into the driver seat and starts the motor. He grips the steering wheel.
Maddie: You are! You’re mad! David, we were never ever in any real danger. Sincolla wasn’t exactly the brightest --
David: (he turns to her abruptly, glaring) Maddie, I think it would be best if you—WE—didn’t say anything right now. It’ll only lead to me saying something and then you’ll say something and then I’ll say something back that’ll just make matters worse and I just don’t want to do that right now! I can’t do it right now!
Maddie: But, David—
David: Maddie, please!
He grips the steering wheel tighter, puts the car in gear and pulls away from the curb.
Maddie complies with David’s wishes.
Scene II
Evening
Hayes-Addison Residence
The headlights of the Lexus Coupe reflect on the front windows of the house. It’s dead quiet; even the radio isn’t tuned to the usual drive home station. Maddie steals a look at the man next to her. The man, who she has never seen like this before, keeps looking straight ahead, pulls the car up the driveway, pauses, and then kills the engine. David sits, making no move to get out of the car.
Maddie: Well…we’re home…
David is silent. And worse, he won’t look at her.
Maddie: (softly): Guess I’ll go in…
She hesitates a bit and then opens the door to get out. She stands with the car door open.
Maddie: (stooping down to look at David) Are you coming?
David still remains silent, looking straight ahead. He obviously has a lot on his mind.
Maddie: (sighs) Okay, then…I’m going in now.
She turns, digs her keys out of her purse and walks to the door, opens it and goes inside the house.
David finally turns her way, watching her go.
He considers going for a drive, maybe hit the local bar, and then reconsiders. Taking a deep breath, sweeping a hand through his thinning hair, he opens the car door and gets out. Pocketing the car keys, he walks up to the front door and goes inside.
CUT TO the Hayes-Addison Kitchen
David enters and finds Maddie looking for something to eat in the refrigerator. He watches as she changes her mind several times, as if nothing looks appetizing. Giving up on the fridge, she turns to go the pantry and sees David standing…hands in his pockets…watching her. She stops and leans against the kitchen counter, arms folded across her chest, readying herself for the Addison Assault on all the things she had done wrong that day. It doesn’t come.
She’s had enough of the silent treatment. Her cheeks flush.
Maddie: Okay, David! Go ahead and say it! Get it out of your system.
David: Maddie, calm down.
Maddie: (flails her arms) Oh, he speaks!
Maddie's eyes glisten. He takes a step towards her, holding his eyes on hers.
Maddie: Tell me how wrong I was to take half of our office staff to investigate a case without knowing for sure what was behind the disappearance of Tony Faraway.
David: (he nods) You were.
Maddie: Tell me how wrong I was to put myself in a risky situation, even though I didn’t know it was a risky situation for me or Agnes or Jamie and Kris, for that matter.
He takes another step or two towards her.
David: Right again.
Maddie: But, just because I’m pregnant, and in the early stages of pregnancy, might I remind you, doesn’t mean that I have to sit around the office pushing paper nine to five for the next nine months!
David: We might need to discuss that part. Again.
David now stands close enough to touch her but doesn’t. Maddie stands her ground.
Maddie: David, I couldn’t possibly stay cooped up behind my desk until I have this baby! I didn’t do that last time and I won’t do it now!
David: No one said you should have then or that you should now.
Maddie: And last time…last time, when I wasn’t having sleepovers on the bathroom floor, I was always tired, probably more tired than I was sick. All I wanted to do was sleep.
David: I missed that part last time, remember?
Maddie looks a little stunned.
Maddie: Is that what this is about?
David: It depends on which this you’re talking about.
Maddie: I thought we had gotten past the fact that I wasn’t around the first four months last time. That this!
David: THIS this is ridiculous!
Maddie doesn’t waver. David paces the kitchen floor.
David: Look…what happened today had nothing to do with me thinking that you can’t handle working cases because there’s a bunny in the oven.
Maddie rolls her eyes.
David: (still pacing) Maddie, what happened today scared the hell out of me! Sincolla had a gun! A gun! And I felt helpless to do anything!
Maddie: I thought you did the only thing you could do. You made sure we were safe until the police came, David. There was nothing more that you could have done.
David: Yes, there was.
He paces still.
Maddie: Not without getting yourself hurt.
David: No…I mean, yes there was.
Maddie: And what is that?
David: I should have never agreed to play this little game. Then we would have investigated Faraway the usual way. We would have stuck together on the case and you wouldn’t have gone off with Agnes—
Maddie: Wait a second! David, if I weren’t pregnant, would you have even had any reservations at all?
David stops pacing and looks around the kitchen and then back at her. He can’t answer the question…or doesn’t want to. But he tries anyway.
David: It’s not that…Well, yeah…maybe I would have had reservations…And now I’m thinking I should have. If anything had happened to you…to him…or her…it’s like…it’s like there’s more than one of you now.
He reaches for her and pulls her into his arms.
David: If something had happened to the both of you it’d have killed me twice, Maddie. I’m just trying my best to take care of you…of us.
She pulls back to look at him.
Maddie: I know, David. You are…and I want you to. And, believe it or not, I like it when you do. But, you have to trust me.
David: I do…I trust you. You were great last time.
Maddie: I mean you have to trust me that I know what I can handle. I know when to eat…and when not to lately. I know when I need to rest or when I should get some exercise, go for a walk. Trust me that I’ll take care of myself…with your help.
David: (smiling) Deal.
Pulling her in again, he runs both hands behind her neck and kisses her.
David: Umm…I like sealing deals with a kiss. Better yet, is this the part where we get to make-up? I always love those parts.
They share another kiss that gets more passionate by the second. David suddenly stops and pulls away.
David: Did you eat three square meals today?
Maddie: David, you can take care of me that way later.
She looks at him with bedroom eyes and kisses him fully on the mouth.
Maddie: Take care of me this way… now.
David swoops her up in his arms and heads for the stairs.
David: Okay, after I nourish your body…(kisses her again) I’m going to make sure I nourish your body. Oh how I love deal-sealing bonuses!
Maddie: Do you think we should call and check on Agnes and Bert?
David: Nah! They’ve got their own making up to do. Or shall I say making out…
They reach the top of the stairs and Maddie pushes the bedroom door open with one foot.
David carries her through…and pushes the door closed with his.
Epilogue
Few hours later…give or take… The Hayes-Addison Bed and Kitchen
Maddie rolls over in the bed and stretches. Miss Me puts both paws up on the bed and Maddie rubs her head which elicits a wagging tail. Pots and pans can be heard clanking downstairs in the kitchen.
Maddie: Hi girl…I know…he’s down there cooking up God knows what, isn’t he?
David: (yells from kitchen door) Yo, Maddie! As proud of myself that I am for your wonderfully satiated demeanor right now, it’s chow time. Come on, will ya’?
Maddie sits on the side of the bed. Tucked inside a baby book on the nightstand is the Mother’s Day card David gave her a few weeks ago. Smiling, she pulls it out to read again what he wrote to her:
Dear Mommy,
Please listen to Daddy. He’s the smartest man I know.
You will be the best Mommy ever! And he won’t be so bad himself!
Love,
Bunny
xo
David: Maddie, are you coming? Or do I need to come back up there and bring you down the same way you went up?
Maddie: (grabbing Miss Me) Come on little lady. He’s getting so impatient these days. Hope that’s not a sign of sympathy pregnancy hormones I’ve read about. I don’t think I could handle David in the throes of a third trimester.
David: There you are! I was about to come up there.
Maddie reaches the bottom of the stairs and David gives her a kiss. He takes the dog from her and they go to the kitchen.
Maddie: David, I hope you didn’t cook a whole lot. I’m not so sure I should go to bed on a full stomach given what my habit has been lately first thing in the morning.
David: (letting dog out back door) Just eat what you want…no big deal.
Maddie nibbles. David does the same, but he looks as if something is on his mind again.
Maddie: (smiling): So…I guess we wrap the Faraway case up tomorrow in the office? The women will look forward to the trophy presentation. I think we beat you fellas fair and square!
David smiles back with a nod, avoiding eye contact as he takes a bite of his food.
Maddie: It’s hard to believe Faraway has been on the run from Sincolla for eleven years. He should have gone to the police again when Sincolla showed up and threatened his girlfriend the first time. Why let that happen twice and then be afraid a third time?
David: Well, maybe he was just trying to do the right thing. You know, protect the women he loved and all.
He meets her gaze.
Maddie: And going to the authorities in this situation wouldn’t have been the right thing?
David: I think Tony Faraway was so determined to live his life with the woman he loved that they staged the entire wedding knowing it would never happen. Ms. Barrington knew exactly what was going on and expected to leave for Mexico three days later when Faraway came to get her. Only he was surprised by Sincolla and his men and didn’t have time to grab the plane tickets to paradise. Then you and your little team of rebels caught him off guard.
Maddie: What about the other two women before Olivia Barrington? What made him so determined the third time around?
David only smiles and doesn’t answer.
Maddie: What?
David: Come on, Maddie. You know exactly why.
Maddie is now the one with no answer.
David: There was no place for the other two.
Maddie: No place?
David takes Maddie’s hand and places it over his heart.
David: No place. He made his choice the third time. Maddie, did you really believe that Faraway left three women in the lurch at the church?
Maddie: (feeling caught) Well…
David: (rolls his eyes) Did your team even know that you were out to prove them wrong?
Maddie: (sighs) I’m pretty sure they knew where I stood.
David: And where do you stand now?
He kisses the top of her hand.
Maddie: David, is this the other this you were talking about earlier?
David: I’m glad that you mentioned that.
He looks at her intently.
David: Now I need you to trust me.
Maddie: I trust you, David.
He pulls her into his lap.
David: I know you trust me, but I need you to trust that if things ever got, let’s say, difficult or—
Maddie: We’ve done difficult already.
David: You’re right. But, no matter how many bumps in the road we might come upon, I need you to trust that I’m not going anywhere. I’m right here for the long haul.
He puts a hand on her belly.
David: (smiling) And pretty soon it will be a big haul!
Maddie: Thanks a lot for reminding me!
David: That’s what I’m here for.
They share a smile.
David: So a trophy presentation tomorrow, huh? Who says your team won?
Maddie: Because we did, David. My team was in Faraway’s house. We’re the ones who did the real investigating and solved the case.
David: Wait a second! You didn’t solve anything! And who pinned Sincolla until the police took him away?
Maddie: Yeah, well, where was your team the whole time?
David: That’s what I’d like to know…bunch of knuckleheads…
Maddie smiles and suppresses a laugh.
David: What?
CUT TO - Bert’s tie on David’s office door at Blue Moon. Sounds are coming from the other side.
Magillicuddy: Give me the TV flipper O’Neil!
Simmons: Scoot over Magillicuddy, will ya’?
O’Neill: Will you shut up?
We interrupt regularly scheduled programming this evening to give you an update on the son of the Sincolla drug ringleader. Vincent Sincolla has been arrested and charged with three counts for the attempted murder of Tony Faraway. In the meantime, Mr. Faraway and his bride, Olivia Barrington, were seen exiting the courthouse…
FADE TO BLACK
CUE MUSIC and CREDITS
What you don't know about women
(What you don't know about women)
Could fill a shelf of books
You are the type of man who looks
For understanding lovers
But never understands the girl
Who lies beneath the covers
You only have to open up your mouth to show
What you don't know
(And you don't know)
About women
A woman needs to be assured
That she remains alluring
To now and then be reassured
Your passion is enduring
It's not enough to know your line
To polish and routine it
And heaven knows I know your line
The whole routine, I've seen it
Ya gotta mean it
Credits:
Thanks to the entire original Moonlighting crew and staff for creating a TV show that still lives in the hearts and minds of viewers today.
Thanks to the original Virtual Moonlighting crew for making David and Maddie live on in our world. And another thanks for believing that I could possibly be one of you…that just makes my day, over and over again! Thanks for your patience in this new endeavor of mine.
Speaking of patience…many thanks to Jen. I never would have ventured into this arena without your encouragement.
Music credit: “What You Don’t Know About Women” by Cy Coleman From the 1989 Broadway musical City of Angels
This episode is sponsored by Starbucks…the drink of inspiration.
(Dark and stormy afternoons don’t hurt either!)
