Season 9 - Episode 5
“HAPPY TRAILS”
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PROLOGUE
Musical Overlay: Theme from “The Good, The Bad, & The Ugly”
A MAN in his late seventies stands
in front of a full-length mirror. He places a white Stetson felt hat with a
small-jeweled band on his head and squints at it carefully. Next, he tucks the tail of his bright blue
shirt—leather fringe dappled with shiny silver sequins—inside a large pewter belt
buckle. He inspects his spit-shine boots; a blue-breasted bird is stitched on
the front of them, which matches his blue pants and blue shirt.
Grabbing a large pistol on a nearby
table he gives the cylinder a quick spin, raises the gun, pulls the hammer back
and aims…right between the eyes of his own reflection. His finger slowly
squeezes the trigger and the gun fires a deafening shot. The glass splinters and shatters, leaving a
large hole in the mirror where his face had been.
Smiling, he blows the smoke trailing
from the end of the barrel and slides the pistol into a brown leather Rooster Cogburn holster hanging low on one hip. Pushing his hat
back, he pockets a set of car keys and leaves.
The clunk of his heavy boots echoes
through the room…along with the whistling tune of a gunfighter.
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ACT I
Scene 1
Blue Moon Investigations
Maddie’s Office
Cue Music: Continue “The Good,
The Bad, & The Ugly,” then fade…
Maddie stands, arms folded, examining
a huge white cardboard box, on top of which rests a medium-sized one. A third, small box caps off the tower.
David pops his head in the door.
David: Morning! How’s the bun baking today?
He steps toward her, sees the
boxes…and her expression…and halts abruptly.
Maddie: Would you happen to
know anything about these, David?
David: (squints at boxes)
Well, it’s a little square for a snowman, but I guess in L.A., beggars can’t be
choosers.
Maddie: I’m not concerned
about the disposition of the boxes…just what’s in them. Are you telling me
you don’t know what’s in them?
David: What’s in them, you
ask? (takes
Maddie by the elbow, sits her down, and goes into “this is bigger than gums!”
mode) What’s in them? A little piece of
tomorrow, Maddie…no, scratch that, a BIG piece of tomorrow.
Maddie waits.
David: (with a flourish) It’s a computer.
Maddie: A computer? We have several perfectly good computers,
right here in the office…for the most part, doing nothing but hosting solitaire
tournaments. Why do we need another one?
David: (waves hand
dismissively in the direction of Maddie’s credenza) These things? Glorified shoeboxes. Besides, this
computer (walks over to the white boxes, running his hand along them like a
game-show hostess) is for the Hayes-Addison abode. I’m talking state-of-the-art here…16
megabytes of RAM, a 500 megabyte hard drive, high-resolution, 17-inch monitor,
and a 486 processor—this baby hums like a Corvette, Maddie.
Maddie: David—
David: But wait! There’s more!
An inkjet printer…prints five pages a minute...(Maddie
still looking unconvinced)…I haven’t gotten to the best part yet! (He taps the
top box) This model comes bundled with the very latest in educational
software—you’ve got your phonics, your math, your spelling…even a little
Spanish number! (comes
around her chair, rubbing her shoulders) Can’t you picture it, Maddie? Our little genius, doing his times tables at
the tender age of two? Getting a leg up on kindergarten…settling down with milk, cookies,
and War & Peace…
Maddie (sighing): How much?
David: Can you really put a
price on our child’s future? I mean,
he’ll already have my charm, your determination, the one-two punch of our
combined good looks…this could be the thing that tips the scales toward
greatness. Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, that
Packard guy…he’ll leave them in the dust!
Maddie: (frustrated) How much?
David: Twenty-five
hundred. And change.
Maddie sits up, shrugging David’s
hands from her shoulders. David moves
over toward the boxes, almost protectively.
Maddie: (quiet, but deadly) You spent over two
thousand dollars…on a computer…for our child…who isn’t even born yet? When we have to buy a crib and a stroller and
a carseat and diapers and—
David: It’s an
investment…long-term, y’know?
Maddie: (seems not to hear
him) You spent
all this money…without discussing it with me.
David: One-day sale…the guy
made me a great deal on it. Anyway, it
was a surprise.
Maddie: (sharply) This is not the kind of surprise
I need right now.
David: (sarcastic) Well, Sarge, I’ll be sure to fill out a requisition form in
triplicate next time…
The two of them face off…the room is
suddenly too small…and we
CUT TO:
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Scene 2
Blue Moon Investigations
Front Office
Cue Music:
Blue moon of Kentucky, keep on shining
Shine on the one that's gone and left me blue
Blue moon of Kentucky, keep on shining
Shine on the one that's gone and left me blue
It was on one moonlight night
Stars shining bright
Whisper on high
Love said goodbye
Blue moon of Kentucky, keep on shining
Shine on the one that's gone and left me blue
Outside Maddie’s
office, it’s a typical day: Agnes sits at the reception desk, answering the
occasional phone call and reading Yoga
for Natural Childbirth. Kris is on
the phone with her latest paramour; Inez pages through The National Enquirer, full of news on the latest Madonna scandal
and an Australian woman’s abduction by a UFO. Magillicuddy and Jergenson are locked in an arm-wrestling competition,
refereed by O’Neill, while Bert fiddles desultorily with the police scanner
Agnes gave him for their one-year anniversary.
Only Jamie is actually working, sorting through some
case files; and only because she’s angling for a promotion.
Fifteen minutes earlier, the Wobblies watched David walk into the (former) lion’s den
with barely an eyeblink. Things have been proceeding so smoothly in
the Addison-Hayes relationship, particularly in the last two months, that David
being in Maddie’s office, or Maddie being in David’s
office, has ceased to be a matter for discussion, speculation, or even
interest, among the staff.
Now, however, a certain electric
energy begins to fill the air…a voice is heard, rising in pitch. Another voice answers in calm, firm tones;
the first voice volleys back at an impressive decibel level.
The employees look up,
startled. They trade glances; then, as a
body, they charge Maddie’s door, snatching up the odd
glass and, in Jergenson’s case, a coffee cup that
turns out not to be empty. As he flips it over, the
better for listening purposes, a dark-brown wave arcs through the air,
spattering the front of Magillicuddy’s suit.
Magillicuddy advances on him, murder in his eyes…
CUT TO:
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Scene 3
A Busy Street
The MAN saunters down the sidewalk, boots
tapping and fringe swishing. He looks at
each storefront as he passes; finally, he turns into one. A bell chimes, announcing his entry to
“Duke’s Jukes…and Stuff.”
Several jukeboxes line the
walls. A slightly warped version of Tammy
Wynette’s “Stand By Your Man”
blares from one of them. Glass cases
display belt buckles, sheriff’s stars, gun holsters, and the like; photos of
John Wayne, Gene Autry, and the casts of Gunsmoke and Bonanza abound.
A rotund, grizzled man chewing a
cigar end, presumably the proprietor, sits behind the main counter. Our “cowboy” approaches, walking slowly along
the counter until he sees what he’s looking for.
Proprietor: Help you?
Man: Yup. Can I see that Mickey Mouse watch ya got there?
The proprietor produces it from the
glass cabinet. It is a classic 1950s model, with one small difference: Mickey
wears a tiny cowboy hat and vest, complete with silver sheriff’s badge.
Proprietor: It’s not the original
band…but it keeps the time just great. (scans the man’s outfit) Hey—you making a
movie or somethin’?
Man: Naw…(a thought hits him, and he smiles)…well…could be. You don’t happen to have a case for this, do
you?
Proprietor: Just a sec…let me
look under here.
The proprietor bends down, digging
through a drawer at the base of the cabinet.
Not finding what he’s looking for, he gives the man a quick glance—the
man looks back, placidly—goes through an open door behind him, and begins to
rummage through a box.
The man sees his chance—and takes
it. Swiping the watch off the counter,
he hustles to the door. He almost makes
it—the proprietor comes back out, holding the case above his head.
Proprietor: Got it—hey! Where d’ya
think you’re going, old man?
He starts to give chase, but is
momentarily stymied by the half-door leading from the counter, which refuses to
budge. The Man pulls out a pistol and
points it at the proprietor, nudging the front door open with his shoulder.
Proprietor: Get back here! Don’t shoot!
Man: (flips pistol around
his finger, Eastwood-style, as he bursts out the door) Wouldn’t
waste the bullet.
The proprietor reaches back and slaps
at a small button. He finally unsticks the door and runs to the window. The old man is surprisingly fast for his
age—he’s already down the street. The
proprietor spits his cigar end into a nearby spittoon, and shakes his head in
disgust.
Proprietor: Damn wannabe actors.
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Scene 4
Blue Moon Investigations
Front Office
Magillicuddy has Jergenson in a headlock, the
staff shushing his squeals as they press up against Maddie’s
door. The heated exchange inside
continues, escalating in volume until snippets of the dialogue can be heard:
Maddie (OS): How dare you—
David (OS):…forgot
we’re living in YOUR house—
Maddie (OS): Don’t you think? You never think—
David (OS): Oh, I think, all right. I THINK I don’t need to LISTEN to this CRAP
any more!!
All hell suddenly breaks loose. There’s a SMASH…a CRASH…and the Wobblies dive for cover, behind (and, in one case, under)
desks.
An echoing SLAM! shakes
the room, and David exits Maddie’s office, red-faced
and striding hell-for-leather through the main office door…whence comes a
second SLAM! that sends shock waves through the
carpet.
A hush descends.
The staff look—one to another—like a
head-turning relay race. A smile breaks
out on one face, then another, and pretty soon, they are all grinning. Except Agnes. And Magillicuddy,
who grabs an extra shirt from his desk and stomps off to the men’s room.
Kris: Seems like we haven’t
heard a lot of that lately.
Jergenson: The
arguing…the door-slamming…
Bert: (comes out from under
desk and settles in his chair with a nostalgic sigh) Yep…those were the salad
days…
Agnes: (shocked) Don’t tell me
you miss that, Bert?!
Bert: Sweetums, don’t you remember…the excitement…the verve…the ENERGY
that only red-hot unresolved sexual tension can provide? Back when anything
could happen—back when we were balanced on the knife’s-edge of passion—
The Wobblies
nod in agreement.
Agnes: (shaking finger) Back when you were just a 4-bit extra,
brought in to lighten the script load?
Before you had any real storylines or character development? (Stands over him) Before you had…ME?
Bert makes an inarticulate sound of
protest, jumps up, and begins kissing Agnes, murmuring endearments to her…and
now the rest of the staff looks even
more wistful for the bygone days of yore…pre-Mr. & Mrs. Viola. Agnes comes up for air and catches their
glances. She pushes Bert away and sets
her finger to shaking again.
Agnes: And YOU…I can’t
believe all of you!! You really want to
go back to a time when you didn’t have two lines of dialogue to rub together?
(Mutely, they shake their heads) Back when any astronaut or Connecticut floozy
could come in here and mess things up?
(More vehement head-shaking)
Don’t you remember what it all lead to?
Years in limbo, that’s what!!
The Wobblies
remember that they can, contractually, speak.
They erupt in a chorus of “You’re right”s,
“Not going back there”s,
and “What should we do?”s.
Agnes folds her arms, considering.
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Scene 5
The Elevator
David enters, stabbing the Lobby
button and administering a vicious kick to the doors after they close.
David: Nine years! NINE!
And nothing’s really changed!
Still My-Way-or-The-Highway Hayes!
Whatever happened to gratitude? To support? To understanding? If she
thinks I’m just gonna lie down and play kept man…Jesus,
I should just trade in this suit for some trunks and take the pool boy’s place—
The elevator dings—5th
Floor—and a grey-haired gentleman gets in.
David subsides, but we can still see the metaphorical steam rising from
his ears.
He disembarks at the lobby, and
charges the revolving door like a bull to a red flag. He bangs it—hard—with the flat of his hand,
steps in, and nearly concusses himself when the glass pane in front of him
stops short. He turns to go back, but
the door has advanced just enough that he’s caught inside the glass capsule.
With an inarticulate bellow of rage,
he starts to shake his fist at the cause of the trouble: a young blond woman
with a large baby buggy, stuck half-in and half-out of the door. Her panicked face extinguishes his anger, and
he quickly pushes against the pane behind him, motioning to her to move
backward. The buggy is freed, and David
proceeds around to the sidewalk, where the woman is waiting.
Woman: (clutching his arm) Oh, thank you!! I was so scared! This stroller is pretty sturdy, but—
David: Don’t mention it—glad
to be of service. (Peeks into buggy) Well—aren’t you a fine-looking young man?
The baby, all peachy fuzz and round
cheeks in a blue romper, gurgles at David and produces a gloppy
smile—apparently none the worse for his near-squished experience.
Woman: Look at that—he likes
you!
David: Guess he doesn’t know
any better. (He makes a silly face; the
baby giggles) Ah…the Groucho…gets ‘em every time.
Woman: You must have kids of
your own, then.
David: (slowly, with a tinge
of sadness) No…working on it, though.
Offering one last smile to mother
and baby, he helps them negotiate the revolving door, waving as they disappear
into the lobby.
Looking up at the wall of windows
above him, he thinks about another blonde, up on the 20th
floor. Maybe he was a little hasty?
David: (running hand through
his hair) You
always could make me second guess myself, Goldilocks.
He stands there, indecisive.
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Scene 6
Blue Moon Investigations
Front Office
A spirited discussion is going on
around around the reception desk, as the employees debate, in loud whispers, what action should be
taken next.
Bert’s police scanner buzzes into
life, and he hurries back to his desk.
Dispatcher: Please respond *crackle*
have a 10-32 with suspected
488 *crackle* east on *crackle*—
Bert flips
through his code book, muttering.
Bert: 10-32, 10-32…Suspect with a gun!
And 488 (more flipping)…let’s see…assault, embezzlement, defrauding an
innkeeper? Do innkeepers even exist
anymore? OK, 488—petty theft.
Dispatcher: *Crackle* Suspect described as *crackle*
(Bert frantically tunes the scanner until the signal is clearer)
late seventies, wearing a blue shirt, pants, and cowboy hat. Once again, we have a 10-32 heading north on
the 15000 block of Century Park East—
Bert: (shouting) The 15000
block—Century Park East—that’s us! He
could be...right—down—there!
Bert grabs a pair of binoculars from his desk. He rushes to the window, joined by the Wobblies.
Bert: (pointing binoculars
straight down) Mr. Addison!
David glances up at the building, then back at the door. Bert focuses the binoculars…searches the
street for a few seconds…then crows in triumph.
Bert: (forgetting David
can’t hear him) There he is! Mr.
Addison!! The suspect! I’m on my way!
The staff stands, agape, while Bert bolts for the door.
Agnes: Noooo—HERBERT!!
She starts to go after him, but is hampered by her
size. She waddles to the front door,
looks down the hall, and comes back in.
Agnes: Magillicuddy! Get down there and stop my Herbert from
getting another hole in his head!
Magillicuddy comes back to life and hurries after Bert. Agnes collapses in a chair, hand to her
belly. Kris and Inez fight over the
binoculars, while O’Neill and Jergenson loudly debate
whether Bert will make it in time, each claiming they could get down there
faster. Jamie,
level-headed, goes to call the police to report the sighting.
Agnes’ voice cuts through the
hubbub.
Agnes: Ms. Hayes!
Maddie, looking more exhausted now
than angry, stands framed in her office doorway.
Maddie: What the hell is
going on here?
Agnes: They heard a report
on that stupid scanner…some thief with a gun…and now Herbert’s gone down there
to catch him and he’ll probably get killed…oooohhhh!
(puts her head on the desk, wailing)
Maddie walks over to the window, to see if she can make
heads or tails of Agnes’ explanation.
Kris: (through binoculars) There he is!
Maddie: Who?
Jergenson: A guy dressed in
blue…cowboy hat…
Maddie holds her hand out for the binoculars, and Kris
reluctantly surrenders them. Maddie
scans the street, quickly spotting the suspect.
Maddie: He looks pretty
old…doesn’t look too—
Just as she says this, the suspect pushes past a few people
and plows into David, knocking him to the ground. He doesn’t get up right away, and the suspect
bends over him.
Maddie: Oh—David!
She puts her hand on the window—she’s a little dizzy,
suddenly—but keeps the binoculars firmly in place.
Down below, someone on the street jumps forward to help,
but the cowboy raises his gun in the air and the little knot of people falls
back, screaming. David starts to rise, the cowboy grabs his arm…
Maddie spins to run out the door,
and everything around her—office, furniture, Wobblies—slides
sideways. The binoculars hit the floor
with a muffled THUD, as Maddie pitches forward into O’Neill’s surprised
arms. The employees gasp and run for
water and towels and smelling salts. (Smelling salts? Kris has been reading Harlequins again.)
Below them, Bert bursts out of the building just in time to
see David disappear down the street, one arm clutched firmly by the renegade
cowboy, a shiny
silver pistol pressed to his side.
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Scene 1
Blue Moon
Investigations
Maddie: What?…what happened?
Magillicuddy: You fainted.
Maddie: I what?
Agnes: It’s OK, Ms. Hayes…it
happens sometimes when you’re—
Maddie cuts her off with a look; Magillicuddy doesn’t appear to notice, accelerating his
fanning with great concentration.
Magillicuddy: Are you feeling
better?
Still fanning
furiously.
Maddie: (pushes him aside impatiently) I’m fine; I just need to sit up.
Magillicuddy: Are you sure? Maybe
you should just stay here awhile?
Fanning furiously…
Maddie: No, I’m all right, you can stop.
He doesn’t
seem to hear her as his brain has shifted gears and he is wondering how he is
going to explain what happened to Mr. Addison.
Maddie: I said you can stop now.
Fans more…
Maddie: Mister Magillicuddy!
Magillicuddy: Oh, sorry, Ms. Hayes.
Agnes: Help her up!
Magillicuddy helps Maddie to her feet and she sits in a chair.
Agnes: Better take it easy.
The entire
staff watches her, waiting for the question they aren’t sure how they are going
to answer. She jumps to the window
Maddie: Agnes? What happened to David?
Did you see that guy? He had a gun, didn’t he?
We have to call the police!
Behind
them, the police scanner crackles again, but no one is paying attention.
Dispatcher: Need a 10-62A in Los Feliz…citizen claims strange black object falling from
sky…possible 1000…prepare to copy…
Maddie: (picking up phone) Where’s Mr. Viola?
Magillicuddy: Ms. Hayes? I’ll talk to the police.
He takes
the phone from her and she doesn’t seem to mind.
Agnes: Herbert went charging after them!
She joins
Maddie at the window again. The street below bustles with people…but no cowboy
or David to be seen.
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On the streets of LA
Cue Music:
Mamas don't let your babies grow up to be cowboys
Don't let 'em pick guitars and drive them old trucks
Make 'em be doctors and lawyers and such
Mamas don't let your babies grow up to be cowboys
They'll never stay home and they're always alone
Even with someone they love
David is
driving a white 1964 Pontiac Bonneville convertible…but not just any white
convertible. This car is astonishing: pistols and a horseshoe mounted on the hood; a
custom interior, glittery with inlaid metals; a burled wood dashboard… Leonard,
aka Cowboy Guy, sits in the passenger seat sporting a big smile.
Leonard: (running hand over saddle between bucket seats) And these little gems are genuine rhinestones and silver
dollars.
David pacifies the man, thumbing one
of the silver dollars, all the while wondering how in the world he has gotten
himself in this predicament.
David: Amazing how some people can toss money into the strangest
things.
The thought of the argument he had
with Maddie gives him a sudden pang. Leonard eyes him, not happy with his
insinuation.
Leonard: Well…looks like to me you tossed a few bucks for that
fancy coat and tie of yours.
David: (gestures to his suit
in confusion) This?
Purely off the rack, Leonard.
Leonard: Still looks mighty slick to me. So…Mr. Addison…what exactly do you do that
keeps you dressed for the ladies?
David: (surveys Leonard’s blue shirt and pants) I’m the
detective. Shouldn’t I be the one asking questions? Like why is it that I’m
always the one that has to get kidnapped on this show? We have a whole office
now full of people with speaking parts; why can’t one of them be shanghaied?
Leonard: Detective, huh? You sure don’t look like one of those fellas on the television. Hey, you have one of those gold
badges like they have?
David glances down at the pistol
Leonard has resting on the seat beside him, hoping there might be a chance to
turn the table on the situation.
Leonard: (picking up pistol and pulling back hammer) Don’t get any ideas, big boy. You keep going where I tell ya. Just keep headin’ towards the
freeway now and no funny business, ya hear?
David: I wouldn’t think of having any ideas right now, Leonard.
All of mine lately have done nothing but get me in trouble…not funny at all.
Leonard: (considers David, releases hammer and sets gun back down)
OK…I get it…you’re one of those types of fellas
that’s always saying one thing, but you’re really just hem-hawing around
talking about something else…Am I right?
David: (more to himself than to Leonard) I think I’ve spent way
too much time in the last nine years hem-hawing around. Sometimes a man just
has to make a decision and go with it.
Leonard studies David carefully.
Leonard: So? …Ya wanna
tell me about it?
David: Tell YOU? Tell you about WHAT?
Leonard: Must be a lady friend in all of this backward talking
you’re doin’.
David: (trying to be patient, yet is perturbed) Look, I hardly
think that you of all people should be—
Leonard: All right, all right! Let’s talk about something else for
now.
David: Like what? I know. How about me getting out at the first
stop?
Leonard: What’s the big rush? The lady you left back there?
David bites his lip to control his frustration.
Leonard: Turn left at the next light.
David decides to try the silent
treatment.
Leonard: Look…we have a while and a little normal conversation—
Bitter laughter from
David.
Leonard: A little man-to-man
conversation along the way never hurts.
David eyes his attire again; their
eyes meet. Leonard gives him a look that seems to say, “So what if I dress like
this?” David realizes then that this ride could be a long one.
David: So…Lenny…tell me some more about
this car of yours. What made you get this one…or, uh…do THIS to this one?
He leans over and puts a hand on the
mounted pistol on the dashboard.
Leonard: (laughs) Well, Mr. Addison, it was Dolly.
David: Dolly? You mean Dolly Parton?
Leonard: (takes his hat off and covers his heart) No, Dolly, my
sweet departed love.
David fears he might have sent this
crazy man over the edge. Leonard continues.
Leonard: She liked to collect things. I just had to keep on with her
hobby now that she’s gone. We had some real good times adding to her collection,
but good golly there were times when she set her little mind on something and there’d
be no stopping her. Once we traveled town to town in search of the perfect
wooden checkerboard. You ever know a woman like that, Mr. Addison?
David: Well…
Leonard: My Dolly was always the bargain hunter, too. She’d never
pay full price for anything. She sure was one sweet-talking dealmaker. And if I
ever came home with something that wasn’t a great deal that woman had no qualms
about letting me know I’d spent too much money.
David: So what about you? You had to have made a really great
deal on this set of wheels. I’m surprised you’re letting me drive it.
Leonard: I don’t have a license.
David: What?
Leonard: I don’t have a license…too many parking tickets…dang near
had to pawn off some of Dolly’s treasures to pay for them, but decided I could
part with a suspended license a lot easier than her sweet stuff.
He thumbs the backseat. An array of
Dolly’s “treasures” rests inside a classic Radio Flyer red wagon…a Curious
George Jack-in-the-Box…a brown vintage teddy bear with a ribbon around its
neck…an antique model airplane.
David: Wait a second…this car…I’ve seen this car before.
Leonard: You mighta seen it at
Petersen’s.
David: Petersen’s Automotive Museum?
Leonard: Yep. We put it on
special exhibit there, but the radio needed fixin’…
David: So where were you going this morning in such a big hurry?
Leonard: Well…
David: It didn’t have to do
with parking tickets, did it?
Leonard: (sheepish) Naw, it didn’t.
David feels a little like he’s slid
into an alternate universe…and yet something about Leonard intrigues him. He looks around, at the cowboy, the car, the
George-in-the-Box…and can’t help but laugh.
Leonard picks up the pistol again.
Leonard: (agitated) I don’t much care to be made fun of!
David: I wouldn’t dream of making fun of you or this car, Leonard.
He runs both palms over the inlaid
silver dollars on the steering wheel.
David: I’ve always been partial to Roy Rogers myself…(with muted enthusiasm) Yippie-ki-yay!
Cowboys ain't easy to love and
they're harder to hold
And they'd rather give you a song then diamonds or gold
Lone Star belt buckles and old faded Levis, each night begins a new day
And if you don't understand him and he don't die young
He'll probably just ride away
~|~ ~|~ ~|~ ~|~ ~|~ ~|~ ~|~ ~|~
Blue Moon Investigations
David’s Office
Magillicuddy: (hanging up phone) I’ve informed Officer Stewart
with the LAPD, Ms. Hayes. A shop owner over on Pico reported someone dressed in
cowboy garb lifting an antique Mickey Mouse watch and making a run for it.
Presumably, this is the same man that barreled over Mr. Addison and pulled the
gun on him. More than likely he had a getaway car parked on the other side of
Century.
Maddie
paces in front of the large window.
Maddie: Well, are they on his trail again or not?
Magillicuddy: It seems the trail is cold at the moment.
Maddie: Then we need to do what we do, Mr. Magillicuddy!
Find out who the guy is, where he’s from, and for goodness sakes—where he’s
going!
Magillicuddy: Yes, Ms. Hayes, right away!
He leaves
to go to his desk as the other Wobblies stand and
stare at Maddie.
Maddie: Well, what are you waiting for? He could use your help. Today it’s WORK
and pay people!
They
scurry out, leaving her alone with Agnes. Maddie plops on the leather sofa, her
face in her hands.
Agnes: Ms. Hayes, I’m sure Mr. Addison will be fine. If the police don’t find
him, then we will.
Maddie: He was so angry when he left the office, Agnes.
Agnes: (nods her head in agreement) He did slam a few doors on his way out.
Maddie: I might have overreacted.
Agnes: You’re entitled every now and then.
Tears
glisten in Maddie’s eyes.
Maddie: I’m really worried.
Agnes sits
next to her, wondering what’s keeping Bert.
~|~ ~|~ ~|~ ~|~ ~|~ ~|~ ~|~ ~|~
CUT BACK TO DAVID AND LEONARD
Leonard: Hey! You see that billboard for Bob’s Big Boy? You
hungry? I sure could use something to eat. Take the next right. I’ve been meaning to go
there all week!
David: Leonard, I don’t think we should—
Leonard: Aw, come on! Live a little, willya? Some
grease and a cold chocolate shake might be just what you need!
David: Yeah, Len…just what I might need right now. To live a
little.
David
maneuvers the large car a few turns, weaving through traffic and getting a few
stares. Horns honk and one passerby gives him a birdie salute before he turns
into Bob’s carhop service. A five-foot high plastic statue of Big Boy stands in
front of them, rotund in red-checked overalls. He holds a king-sized
cheeseburger proudly over his head.
A little later…
Pretty young waitress: Can I get you anything else, sir?
She rests
a tray of food on the driver’s side window and catches David’s eye. Smiling,
she hands him a couple of straws. David smiles back.
David: No thanks. I think this’ll do it.
He pays
her and turns his attention back to Leonard, who is taking in all of the
Addison charm. He smiles knowingly as David hands him his food.
David: So…Mr. Leonard Slye…how long were
you and Dolly married?
Leonard: (laughs) Married? Oh, Mr. Addison, Dolly and me weren’t ever really married!
Cowboys like smoky old pool rooms and clear mountain
mornings
Little warm puppies and children and girls of the night
And them that don't know him won't like him
And them that do sometimes won't know how to take him
He ain't wrong he's just different
but his pride won't let him do things to make you think he's right
~|~ ~|~ ~|~ ~|~ ~|~ ~|~ ~|~ ~|~
Magillicuddy bursts through David’s door, waving a notepad in the air with scribbling
all over it.
Magillicuddy: Slye!
Maddie: Slye? Like the Stallone Slye?
Magillicuddy: A Mr. Leonard Franklin Slye.
Seventy-eight years old, a few outstanding parking tickets
that resulted in a suspended license.
Maddie: He doesn’t sound like someone that would hold a gun to another man’s
head!
Magillicuddy: (looks to Agnes, not sure he should tell Maddie the
rest) Well, there’s more. He used to work at the Roy
Rogers Museum in Branson, Missouri and he apparently was recently let go from
his part-time job as a greeter at the Petersen Automotive Museum on Wilshire.
Maddie: David loves that place. Go on.
Magillicuddy: (looks down at his notes again, clearing his throat,
stalling) Well… the uh…the LAPD searched his house and found a few stolen
items…
Maddie: And?
Magillicuddy raises an eyebrow. Agnes gives him the okay to spill the beans.
Magillicuddy: They found some memorabilia from the museum in
Missouri, stuff like cowboy hats and spurs.
Maddie: Mr. Magillicuddy…what are you NOT telling me?
Magillicuddy: Guns.
Maddie: Guns?
Magillicuddy: And bullets.
Maddie: Bullets? Let me see that!
She takes
his notepad.
Maddie: A large bullet hole was discovered in a mirror at the home. Suspect
believed to be dangerous.
She drops
the notepad on David’s desk and quickly goes back to her office.
~|~ ~|~ ~|~ ~|~ ~|~ ~|~ ~|~ ~|~
Bob’s Big Boy
Burbank
David
wipes his mouth with a napkin and slurps the last of his milk shake. He’s
hardly said a word during their meal, as Leonard has carried the conversation
for both of them.
Leonard: I guess in all of the fifty-two years that I was with my Dolly, the
biggest argument we ever had was about gettin’
married or not. Shoot, I’d a married her in a minute, but she had this thing
about her independence, or some such crazy notion. (He pauses, suddenly aware
he has been running on) Well…’nuff about me…So, Mr.
Addison…’bout that lady friend of yours?
David
chuckles at Leonard’s persistence.
David: You know Len, I think we have a lot more in
common than anyone would believe.
Leonard: Aw…I don’t know. It’s hard for me to remember what I was like when I was
your age, other than maybe I knew what it felt like to love a good woman.
David nods
his head in agreement.
Leonard: So what was it?
David: What was what?
Leonard: What was it that put you standing in my path?
David
studies him again.
Leonard: Lady friend?
David: (surrendering) Yeah…(sighs)…Yeah, Leonard, my
lady friend.
Leonard: But she’s more than a friend, I’m thinkin’?
David: You got that right.
Leonard: So what did you do or not do…or say or not say…
David
hands him a napkin.
David: You have any kids?
Leonard: (wiping mouth) Yep, I have a son. He lives in Tucson. Don’t see him much.
He’s too busy with his own family…you might know how it is.
David: I’m going to be a dad…soon, real soon. I just want him to be ahead of the
game in this world, I want him to be the smartest kid in his class one day. So,
I sort of made a decision…a kind of big decision…a rather costly decision, and Maddie, my lady friend, didn’t agree.
Leonard (laughs and nods his head): Ah, the ol’
spontaneous spending spree where the little woman doesn’t see eye to eye? What did you buy?
David: A computer with all the bells and whistles and some educational
software…well, a few computer games, but…
Leonard
reaches under his seat, pulling out a crowbar, and then opens the door.
David: (eyes get big) What do you need that for? Where
are you going?
Leonard starts
to ease out of the car.
David: Hey, what are you doing?
Leonard: Computer, huh? Big,
expensive toy sounds like to me. Whatever happened to the good ol’ games like Cowboys and Indians or Army Wars?
He points
back to the red wagon in the backseat.
Leonard: Wagon races?
He gets
out and closes the door.
Cue Music: (softly)
Mama don't let your babies grow up to be cowboys
Don't let 'em pick guitars
and drive them old trucks
Make 'em be doctors and lawyers and such
Leonard: You stay here now, ya hear? I won’t be long.
David: Leonard?
Leonard
walks up to the Big Boy statue and wedges the crowbar underneath its mounting.
Surprisingly, he loosens it a little and then gives it a couple of good hard
shoves.
David: Leonard! What are you doing? Oh, God…
David gets
out of the car, and we cut away, as the music swells:
Mama don't let your babies grow up to be cowboys
They'll never stay home and they're always alone
Even with someone they love
~|~ ~|~ ~|~ ~|~ ~|~ ~|~ ~|~ ~|~
Scene 5
Blue Moon Investigations
Front Office
Agnes follows Maddie as fast as her
belly will let her, Magillicuddy coming close behind.
The rest of the staff stops what they are doing. Maddie stands in the middle of
the reception area.
Agnes: Ms. Hayes! Oh, Ms. Hayes! What are
you going to do?
Maddie: Agnes, where is Bert? (Addressing
the rest of the staff) Has David called?
They all
shake their heads no.
The phone
rings and Maddie answers it quickly.
Maddie: Hello? David?
Bert: No, Ms. Hayes, it’s Bert.
Maddie: Mr. Viola, please tell me you have Mr. Addison with you?
Bert: No, Ms. Hayes. I lost him at the end of Century Plaza. The guy must have
had a getaway car parked around the corner.
Agnes: What’s he saying Ms. Hayes? Is he okay? Is Mr. Addison okay?
Maddie: Herbert, let me put Agnes on the line.
She hands
the phone to Agnes who, at first, is relieved that Bert is okay, but then
proceeds to give him a piece of her mind.
Agnes: Herbert Viola, you had better get back here if you know what’s good for
you….
Jamie: Ms. Hayes, are you sure you should do this?
Maddie: I can’t sit around waiting. I have to do something!
Magillicuddy: Maybe you should just
wait it out with us.
Maddie: No, I’m going. I’ll stop by the police station first. Maybe
I can pry them off their keesters. You just take care
of Agnes.
She grabs her purse and slips out
the door.
Magillicuddy: Oh boy! I don’t think
Mr. Addison is going to like this.
CUT TO:
~|~ ~|~ ~|~ ~|~ ~|~ ~|~ ~|~ ~|~
They are on the move again. Big Boy
stands tall in the backseat. David is now fearful that things could end badly
for Leonard if he doesn’t stop him.
David: Look Lenny, what do you need me for? So you swiped a few toys. Whaddaya say we go down to the police station? I know a few
guys down there and I’m sure they’d work a decent deal.
Leonard: (picks up pistol and spins the cylinder) Nope, not gonna
do that. I’ve one more thing we need to pick up. Guess it’s a good thing I did run into you, Mr. Addison. I’m gonna need your help with it.
David
watches him make a show out of working the gun over and sees that there are no
bullets in the gun. At least, he hopes
he sees that there are no bullets in the gun…
David: And what if I told you I didn’t have time for all of this? Huh?
Leonard: And why don’t you have time for ALL of this?
He points
and waves the pistol around, partly to try and scare David and partly to keep
the conversation going.
Leonard: It’s that lady friend of yours, idn’t it?
Maddie, you said?
David: (rolling eyes, slapping a hand to his forehead) Not
this again. Not only are we driving in circles, we’re talking in one!
Leonard: Turn up there where the sign says U Store It.
They turn
into a parking lot and David backs up to a closed rolling door.
Leonard: Come on now, Mr. Addison—this is where you come in. Let’s go!
He gets
out excitedly and stands in front of the rolling door. David joins him.
David: (wary) This wouldn’t be the part where you show me your dear departed Dolly, now
would it?
Leonard
doesn’t answer and this only makes David more nervous. He struggles to open the
heavy door and David, now starting to feel sorry for the old man, helps him to
lift it. A horse trailer is revealed…poking its head out of the side window is
a horse’s head—a stuffed horse’s head—tan with a blonde mane.
Leonard: (smiling big) Isn’t it a beauty?
David: (looking from the horse to Leonard): Yeah…yeah…it uh, kinda reminds me of another blonde I know…she’d probably
like to stuff me right about now…
Leonard
seems to not hear him. He steps towards the trailer hitch.
David: Just don’t ever tell her I said that.
Leonard: Come on, help me hitch ‘er
up to the car.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
~|~ ~|~ ~|~ ~|~ ~|~ ~|~ ~|~ ~|~
ACT III
Scene 1
Los Angeles Police Department
Wilshire Precinct
Maddie enters, her pumps tapping a
take-no-prisoners rhythm on the scuffed linoleum. The place seems oddly deserted; she
approaches the lone desk clerk, who looks like he’s barely out of middle
school.
Maddie: I’m Maddie
Hayes. I’m looking for Officer Stewart.
The Desk Clerk takes the time to
look Maddie up and down—clearly, he likes what he
sees—which does nothing to calm her agitation.
Desk Clerk: (suggestive) Anything I
can help you with?
Maddie reaches across and grabs his
skinny blue tie.
Maddie: Listen, peach cheeks,
some cowboy with a gun has kidnapped my partner. If you don’t get Officer Stewart up here
pronto, you’re not gonna live to dance at your prom.
The Desk Clerk yanks his tie out of Maddie’s hands and dusts himself down sulkily, but
nonetheless picks up the phone. In a
moment, a burly, iron-haired officer waves her back.
Maddie: (to Desk Clerk, icily) Thank you.
She walks back and settles herself
in a chair across from Stewart.
Stewart: How can I help you?
Maddie: (trying to be calm) You spoke to
one of my employees today about Leonard Slye—he’s
holding my partner hostage. I’d like to
know what’s being done.
Stewart: Ms. Hayes, we have
several officers covering the area between Wilshire and Pico. So far, they haven’t turned up anything, but
if I were you, I wouldn’t worry too much—Mr. Slye is
an elderly man, and they were on foot.
It’s not too likely he’ll be able to overpower your partner.
Maddie: Slye has a gun, Officer Stewart. Perhaps you don’t appreciate the urgency—
Stewart: Ms. Hayes, I assure
you we are doing everything we can to recover your partner…but we’re also
tracking a highly sensitive case at the moment—it’s a matter of national
security—so we’re stretched a little thin.
Maddie: (loudly) I don’t care if you’re stretched so
thin I can see through you—I want my
partner found, preferably while he still has all his faculties—and body
parts—in working order! And if you can’t do it…I WILL.
Maddie strides out of the office
steaming, her head down as she curses the men in blue with some fluency. She plows into someone small, brown, and
hairy.
Bert: Oof!
Maddie: Mr. Viola! What are you doing here?
Bert: Probably the same
thing you are…trying to get these Barneys off their duffs to help us.
Maddie: Apparently, we’ve been
preempted by some “top-secret” brouhaha.
Bert: (lowers his voice) The alien invasion!
Maddie: What?
Bert: I heard some of the
blues talking about it at the doughnut cart.
Maddie: (a greedy spark in her
eye) Doughnut cart?
Bert steers her down the hall.
Bert: Right this way, Ms.
Hayes. Anyway, they were saying that a
mysterious—pod…or…something—crash-landed at Griffith Park, left a huge crater
in the grass. People are flocking over there
to see if it’s a UFO—they’re hoping the Observatory telescope might’ve recorded
something…
They pass a briefing room, which is
packed to the gills with officers. An
attractive red-haired woman and a handsome guy—they look made for TV—stand, dressed in dark suits, in front of a white
board.
Woman: The chances that this
could be just an exploratory probe are good…but of
course, we don’t know whether these life forms are friendly or hostile. Your job will be to cordon off the area so we
can do our investigation. Also, we could
be facing widespread panic…looting…riots—
Bert’s eyes are enormous.
Maddie: (hissing) Mr. Viola!
Bert: Oh my God—they’re
coming—
Maddie: (tugs him down the
hall) Bert! FOCUS!
Bert: What? Oh—right—Mr. Addison…
Maddie: Don’t tell me you believe this load of hogwash!
Bert: Well, you must admit
that chances are infinitesimal that our planet is the only one, out of millions, to support intelligent life.
Maddie: (dryly) It’s certainly debatable.
Bert: The truth is out there, Ms. Hayes.
Maddie: (angry) No, Bert—Mr.
Addison is out there, and I’d like
him to be back here—so let’s GO!
~|~ ~|~ ~|~ ~|~ ~|~ ~|~ ~|~ ~|~
Scene 2
Cue Music:
Keep movin', movin',
movin',
Though they're disapprovin',
Keep them doggies movin', Rawhide!
Don't try to understand 'em,
Just rope and throw and grab 'em,
Soon we'll be living high and wide.
Boy my heart's calculatin'
My true love will be waitin',
be waitin’ at the end of my ride.
Rollin', rollin', rollin'
Though the streams are swollen
Keep them doggies rollin'
Rawhide!
We see a long shot of the 134
freeway, and then close-in on David, Leonard, and the horse trailer, who are most
definitely not rollin’
along…rather, they are stuck in a seemingly endless
parade of traffic.
David: Where are we off to
now, Lenny? We’re going to be out of pages pretty soon.
Leonard: Our last stop. The end of the line.
David looks over at him, hoping he
is not speaking euphemistically.
Leonard: Rodeo Ranch.
David: OOOK…
Leonard: Yep, a few years back,
Dolly and I put our life savings into five acres of prime land up in Agua Dulce. Real pretty country up there—not much but rolling hills and big
rocks, but just right for us.
David: Sounds nice.
A car honks behind them; he moves
forward a few inches.
Leonard: It was. I built Dolly a nice li’l
bungalow, and a barn to store all her treasures in.
David: Must’ve been like her own little museum…Dollywood!
He chuckles, but Leonard doesn’t
respond. Lost in thought, Leonard
resumes twirling the cylinder of his gun.
Leonard (sighing): It was darn
near perfect. Until
Dolly fell sick. We were too far
away from the hospital to get her in for her treatments every day…and them medical bills just got higher and higher. We had to sell off most of the land and shut
down the house, move into an apartment near the hospital. We sold most of her treasures, too.
David (interested in spite
of himself): That must’ve been
tough.
Leonard: Yessir…after awhile, though,
I could tell those doctors couldn’t do anything for her—so I finally just
brought her home.
David: And that’s where she…?
Leonard: Yep. (Voice breaks) Just a month ago, now…she passed there, with
the memory of all the things she loved.
It was real peaceful. We buried
her out by the sycamore tree, so she could hear the birds singing to her, even
in her sleep.
Leonard’s eyes cloud over as he
recounts his tale.
David: That’s…that’s really
nice, Lenny. So…where is this little
slice of heaven?
Leonard: Hmm? Oh—Agua Dulce’s
near to Palmdale…just up the 210, there…then north on the 14 a ways.
David looks at the seething mass of
vehicles around them, noting that they have only gone one mile during the
entire conversation.
David: Uh…Lenny? I want to help out and all, but I’d also like
to be back in time to see my child born.
Leonard: Ha! (slaps David’s back) That’s a good one, Mr. Addison. It shouldn’t take us more than three…four
hours, tops, to get up there.
David thinks of Maddie—surely she
must be frantic—but Lenny’s lined face looks so woebegone…he sighs, and pulls
forward just a bit more.
~|~ ~|~ ~|~ ~|~ ~|~ ~|~ ~|~ ~|~
Scene 3
LAPD
North Hollywood Precinct
Maddie and Bert sit with Detective
Pete Barber, an old friend of David’s.
Maddie: We should’ve called
you right away, Pete. But I thought
you’d already left—wasn’t your retirement party last month? The night David came home singing “My Wild
Irish Rose” at three in the morning?
(She smiles, a little mistily.)
Pete: Yeah, these guys can’t
wait to see the back of me—they would’ve thrown that party a year ago if they
thought it would get me out. (looks at Maddie; his
face softens) Don’t worry, Maddie—we’re gonna find him.
He checks his computer.
Pete: A-ha! Here we go.
1964 white Pontiac Bonneville, reported missing
by the Petersen Auto Museum at noon today.
Apparently it was taken out this morning to have the radio fixed—what
the heck do you need a working radio in a show car for?—and it never came back.
He scrolls through a few lines of
information; Bert leans over his shoulder and reads.
Bert: Whew…listen to this: Embossed tan leather
interior, inlaid silver dollars and rhinestones, even pistols mounted on the
hood! And…it belonged to Roy Rogers!
Maddie: Didn’t Slye used to work at the Roy Rogers museum?
Bert: (checks file) Yes,
indeed, Ms. Hayes. Excellent memory!
Maddie: Pete, the officer at Wilshire said the trail
had gone cold. But how hard can it be to
find a custom classic convertible carrying a guy in bright blue cowboy gear?
Pete: (punching a few more
keys) Well…not hard at all,
actually. (smiles) They installed LoJack
on it back in Branson.
Maddie: LoJack?
Bert: (clears throat) If I
may, Detective Barber? (He gets a short nod) LoJack
is a tracking system, wired into police computers all over the U.S. It—
Maddie: (interrupting) So we can find out where they are?
Pete: Heading north on the
210, looks like…just past La Canada.
Maddie: (rising) Well, what are we waiting for? Let’s go!
Bert: Wait—Ms. Hayes—you
can’t—
But Maddie is already gone.
Bert: (head in hands)
Oh…jeez…Mr. Addison will tar and feather me if I let her come with us…
Pete: (laughing) And Ms.
Hayes will do it, if you don’t! (He claps Bert on the shoulder) C’mon, Mr.
Viola—I have an idea.
~|~ ~|~ ~|~ ~|~ ~|~ ~|~ ~|~ ~|~
Scene 4
210 Freeway
Just past La Canada
David surveys the nearly deserted
freeway. Something feels…off.
He and Leonard are barreling along at nearly 75, if the Bonneville’s
speedometer is to be believed; across the freeway barrier, however, traffic
heading back into L.A. is a honking, shouting gridlock of cars. He notices a young woman sitting in the
flatbed of a pickup truck, holding a sign that reads: Welcome to Earth!, surrounded by flowers and peace signs.
David: It’s a weird world.
He checks his watch—it’s now been
five hours since he was standing in front of the Blue Moon building…five hours
since he walked out on Maddie. He rubs a
hand over his face.
David: Helluva day.
Leonard: What’s that, Mr.
Addison?
David: Lenny, you might as
well call me Dave.
Leonard: Well, all right,
Dave. Now, I can see you’re stewin’ about something over there. What is it?
David: I…I’m just afraid
she—Maddie, I mean—she’s gonna be mighty worried.
He catches the Texas inflection in
his voice, and turns to the camera.
David: What? It was bound to rub off sooner or later.
Leonard: (slaps palm to head)
Of course! And, you know, it’s not
polite to make a lady worry. Why, one
time, I was a little late coming back from one of my hunting expeditions….Hoo-whee, Dolly was MAD!
She’d like to tan my hide if I didn’t outweigh her by seventy pounds or
so.
David: She sounds like one
tough little lady.
Leonard: Tough as nails…and
soft as silk. (He sighs)
David: I know just what you
mean.
~|~ ~|~ ~|~ ~|~ ~|~ ~|~ ~|~ ~|~
Scene 5
Blue Moon Investigations
David’s Office
The Wobblies
are clustered around the TV, avidly watching a news report.
Newswoman: …the object appears to
be about five feet in diameter, made of a shiny metallic substance. No one saw it strike the ground, though
reports came in this morning from several eyewitnesses that something
mysterious was falling through the sky.
Speculation that it is a probe from another planet is running high; as you
can see, there are hundreds—probably thousands—gathered here awaiting the
outcome of the investigation.
On the TV, we see a mass of people,
held back by barricades; then a long shot over the crash site, marked by yellow
“Police—Do Not Cross” tape, where several jumpsuited
figures prowl the crater-like hole.
Agnes enters David’s office, trying
to get everyone’s attention.
Agnes: People!
No response from the employees; she
tries a piercing finger-whistle instead, which does the job.
Agnes: What are you doing,
sitting in here watching TV, when Mr. Addison’s life is at stake! Not to mention Herbert and Ms. Hayes!
Magillicuddy: But,
Agnes, we’ve done all we can—
Agnes: And are they back
yet? NO, they are not. And we can’t rest until they are!
Magillicuddy: But,
Agnes, this could be a historical event—
Agnes: (jabbing a finger at
him) You’re
going to be history yourself if you don’t get back out there—
Rest of Wobblies: SHHHH!
In spite of herself, Agnes is
momentarily silenced.
Newswoman: The FBI is playing
this one close to the vest, so we have no idea what we’re dealing with
here. (Looks at notes) The director of the investigation, one Agent Mulder, has scheduled a press conference at 5:00—you can
see it live, here on ABC. Now back to
you, Jane.
Anchor: Thank you, Linda. We now take you north of Los Angeles, to the
Shadow Hills area, where an interesting story is developing. News 7 has learned that a white convertible,
which reportedly once belonged to Roy Rogers, is involved in a low-speed chase
with police officers…
We see a long helicopter shot of the
freeway. It’s much too far away to see
the features of the occupants of the car; but the passenger’s bright blue shirt
is clearly visible.
Jamie: Wait a minute…that’s
the Crazy Cowboy!
O’Neill: (jumps up) And that must be Mr.
Addison with him!
Now a police cruiser can be seen
gaining on the convertible in the left lane; behind it, in the right lane,
follows a familiar beige K-car.
Agnes: Bert! That’s my Herbert! (yells at screen)
Oh—BE CAREFUL!!
Finally, a Lexus sports coupe comes
into the picture, several car lengths behind, but keeping pace.
All: Ms. Hayes!
Camera pans their shocked faces.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
~|~ ~|~ ~|~ ~|~ ~|~ ~|~ ~|~ ~|~
ACT IV
Scene 1
210 Freeway
David: Lenny, we’ve got
company.
Leonard looks back, craning his neck
to see around Bob, but all that’s there is the trailer. He checks the side mirror.
Leonard: I was afraid of this.
David takes a deep breath. The time has come. He’d like to get this resolved before the
cars get much closer. He has an uneasy
feeling that things could go terribly wrong if the police try to intervene.
Besides, the longer this goes on…the
better chance he has of being nailed as an accomplice instead of a victim.
David: (gently) Well, Len…you
had to know that they would come looking for Bob. That restaurant owner’s probably not too
happy.
Leonard: (slides Mickey Mouse
watch out of his pocket) Yeah. And the
Duke’s Jukes guy, too.
David: Where did you—oh,
jeez…
Something occurs to him; he gestures
to the toy-filled backseat.
David: Leonard—are any of those
“treasures” yours?
Leonard: (stoutly) They are now…well, they’re Dolly’s, anyway.
The cars are getting closer—David
can clearly see two of them…and recognizes one very well. Frustration and anxiety are battling for
dominance in his mind. He speaks to
Leonard like you would to a small child.
David: Did you actually pay for any of them?
Leonard: In money? Well…no.
David puts a hand over his eyes,
having to ask but not wanting to hear the answer.
David: The car?
Leonard: This car? Yep, used to be Roy’s.
Ain’t it a beaut?
David: You stole the car…of course you stole the car…I mean, look
at it—custom, mint condition, high-end leather…you could never—
Leonard: (quiet, but a little
menacing) afford it? No, you’re right about that, Mr. Addison. Not since those medical crooks took my money—and Dolly with them.
One last thought hits David, right
between the eyes. He looks in the
rearview mirror, where the stuffed horse, mane ruffling in the breeze,
stoically looks out from the trailer.
David (in a whisper): The
car…the outfit…Roy Rogers—oh my God—that’s TRIGGER?! You stole Trigger?
Leonard looks shocked, as though
David has slapped him.
Leonard: Of course not! Stealin’ a man’s
horse—now that’s the lowest of the low.
You know what they do to horse thieves?
Hang ‘em high—and good riddance, I say!
David shakes his head, stumped by
Leonard’s logic.
Leonard: No—that horse back there is a replica. Dolly and me bought it from a dealer, back
when we was flush…it was one of the things I couldn’t bear to sell, when she
got sick…but I kept it in storage, kept it safe, ‘til I could take it home to
her.
David: Lenny…you know…all
this stuff—it can’t bring her back.
Leonard is quiet, eyes on the
road. One lone tear snakes down his
wrinkled cheek.
Leonard: I know.
The police cruiser pulls up, nearly
even with the convertible but one lane over.
Pete Barber is in the passenger seat.
Pete: (through bullhorn)
Police! This is the police! Please pull
the vehicle over.
The little sedan inches closer too;
Bert rolls down his window.
Bert: Mr. Addison! Don’t worry—I’ve got you covered!
This is just what David was hoping
to avoid. Leonard is getting agitated;
David watches as he fumbles for the gun and raises it high.
Pete: Drop the gun—now!
He draws his own gun, pointing it at
Leonard.
David: Pete—wait! He’s not—
Leonard: (shouting) Y’all leave us alone!
Pete: Drop the weapon! I won’t tell you again!
David quickly knocks Leonard’s hand,
and the gun tumbles to the backseat.
David: Pete—listen! He’s not
dangerous!
Pete: Pull over, Dave—now.
David looks at Leonard.
David: We’ve got to do as
they say, Lenny—they’ve got the guns, now.
But don’t worry—we’re gonna get this all
straightened out.
Leonard: (sadly): You do what
you’ve got to do, Dave.
He opens the ornate leather-covered
glove compartment and pulls out another gun, a twin to the first.
Pete levels his own gun.
David: DON’T!
Leonard puts the gun to his own head
and cocks the hammer.
David swerves hard to the right,
throwing Leonard against the door of the convertible. The gun flies from his hand, skittering
across two lanes and discharging harmlessly into the dusty shoulder.
David brakes,
the convertible skids and starts to spin.
The trailer fishtails wildly as the police cruiser and Bert swerve to
avoid a collision.
A duet of squealing tires—and the
convertible comes to a stop, nose-to-nose with the Lexus.
David: Maddie?!
Maddie: David!
Leonard (holding his head):
Jeez, Dave, what were you trying to do—kill me?
COMMERCIAL BREAK
~|~ ~|~ ~|~ ~|~ ~|~ ~|~ ~|~ ~|~
Scene 2
Deserted Parking Lot off the 210
Cue Music:
Some trails are happy ones,
Others are blue.
It's the way you ride the trail that counts,
Here's a happy one for you.
Who cares about the clouds when we're together?
Just sing a song, and bring the sunny weather.
Happy trails to you,
Til we meet again
Happy trails to you,
Until we meet again.
Happy trails to you,
Keep smilin' until then.
Maddie stands next to the
Bonneville, watching David help Lenny into the police cruiser. He pats the older man’s shoulder; Leonard
moves as if to shake his hand, then smiles ruefully at the handcuffs around his
wrist.
Meanwhile, Bert prowls around the
car, oohing and aahing.
Bert: Look at this
hand-tooled leather! The mounted rifles!
Oh my God—the gear shift…it’s a revolver—
Maddie ignores his effusions. David waves the cruiser off and comes over to
join them.
David: They’re sending a
flatbed tow truck for the car and trailer.
(runs a hand along the door panel) She was a pretty sweet ride.
Bert: These longhorns are
massive—they must be six feet wide! And
what’s this? (bends
closer to examine the tracery on the silver mounting of the horns) Nudie Cohen—he did cars for everybody…even The King! I can’t believe it! Mr. Addison! (shakes
David’s arm) This is a Nudiemobile!
David: (only has eyes for
Maddie):I don’t wanna hear
what you get up to with Agnes in the car, Bert.
Bert looks at the two of them and
realizes that his presence is, perhaps, superfluous. Reluctantly, he takes his leave of the
Bonneville, stroking it reverently once more.
Bert: Well….I guess I should be getting back.
Maddie: (without looking at
him) Yes…Agnes will be anxious to see you.
Bert climbs into his car and drives
off. Maddie runs a hand down David’s
shirt, wrinkled and mussed from the upheaval of the day.
Maddie: Oh, David…I was so worried…we
saw it all…(her voice breaks)…and we couldn’t do
anything.
David pulls her close.
Maddie: We said we wouldn’t
take any unnecessary risks…but people seem determined to point guns at us!
David: Occupational hazard,
Maddie.
Maddie: Maybe we should
consider a change of occupation…
David: You know, Lenny wasn’t
really dangerous—the gun wasn’t even loaded—the one he was pointing at me,
anyway.
Maddie: But we didn’t know
that—and he still threatened you!
David: He just lost the woman
he shared his life with…he’s a little lost right now himself…but I don’t think
he would have really hurt anyone.
Maddie tightens her arms around him.
Maddie: All I could think
about when you were in that car was the stupid fight we had this morning. I’m so sorry David—if something had happened
to you and those were the last words we said to each other…
David: Shhh…I know…it was all I could think about, too. You know, spending time with Lenny today, I
realized…it’s not the things we have
that are important—we only really need each other.
Maddie: You’re right,
David. But it’s OK to want the things
sometimes, too.
David: You’re a smart lady,
Maddie Hayes. I love you.
He kisses her, running his hands
through her hair.
David: This is one blonde
mane I’ve sure missed.
Cue Music:
Happy trails to you,
Until we meet again.
Happy trails to you,
Keep smilin' until then.
~|~ ~|~ ~|~ ~|~ ~|~ ~|~ ~|~ ~|~
Scene 3
Blue Moon Investigations
Once again, the employees are
gathered around the TV in David’s office.
Agnes reclines on the couch, her feet in Bert’s lap.
Newswoman: We interrupt this
program for a special update on the Griffith Park mystery…we have just received
word from the site that the unidentified object that crashed into the hill by
the Observatory is, in fact, a radar dish from a stealth airplane. The plane was flying overhead when the dish
was sheared off, possibly by a high-tension wire.
Bert: What? A radar dish?
Newswoman: As you know, there were
rampant rumors that this was an exploratory pod from outer space. It seems as though these rumors have been
laid to rest, and the truth is much less interesting than the buzz. The thousands of people who gathered here are
now heading home…so expect a lot of traffic on the roadways.
The Wobblies
all file out of David’s office, rather dejected at this anticlimactic end to
the proceedings. Bert and Agnes stay on
the couch.
Bert (disgusted): This is
probably all a cover-up.
Agnes: Oh, Bert, you and
your theories…shouldn’t we just be grateful that Mr. Addison is back, safe and
sound, thanks to Detective Barber and Ms. Hayes…and you, of course. (She glances
at him from under her lashes, and leans forward a little) It was pretty heroic, what you did…just
thinking about it makes my heart pound…
Bert leans in toward her.
Agnes: There’s something sexy
about a car chase…with you in it…
Their lips collide in a passionate
kiss.
15 Minutes Later
Bert exits David’s office, his tie
loose around his shoulders, a satisfied grin on his face. The employees are back to their regular
pursuits; there is a hot-and-heavy paper football competition going on in one
corner, and Jamie is running a background check on Inez’ date for that night.
Flipping on his police scanner, Bert
sinks down into his chair. He pulls out
a file and settles back to read. The
scanner begins to emit a series of high-pitched, unfamiliar pulses and looping
waves; it takes Bert a few minutes to notice.
He drops the file, scattering pages
everywhere, and twists the scanner knob, but the sounds continue—on all
frequencies.
Bert: (under his breath) See? Trust
no one!
~|~ ~|~ ~|~ ~|~ ~|~ ~|~ ~|~ ~|~
Scene 4
The Next Day
The Hayes-Addison Living Room
Maddie sits on the couch, a
newspaper in hand. She hears the front
door open—David and Miss Me, coming back from a walk. David takes the dog into the kitchen—the
sound of water hitting the dog bowl—then the fridge door opening and the hiss! of a beer can being popped.
David enters, flopping down next to
her. She sets the paper down; we see
that a few photos are circled in red pen.
David: It’s a good thing you
got her fixed, Maddie—there’s a Doberman four doors down who seemed very interested. I tried to tell him you don’t sniff a lady’s
behind until the third date, but he wasn’t listening. (Takes a long sip of his
beer) Got a call from Pete today…they’ve agreed to release Leonard to his son’s
custody. I guess Len Jr.’s
going to bring the wife and kids out to Rodeo Ranch for the summer…keep an eye
on the ol’ scalawag.
Maddie: Sounds like that might
help—to have his family around him.
David: Yeah…hopefully they’ll
nip the nicking in the bud.
He picks up the newspaper.
David: What’s this? (Reads
one of the circled items) Four bedroom, two and a half baths…this lovely
property, on a sought-after cul-de-sac, has recently been totally remodeled—Uh,
Maddie? Were you going to let me in on
this, or would I have woken up one morning in the back of a moving van?
Maddie: Of course I was going
to let you in on this—that’s the whole point, actually. After our “discussion”—
David: One-round total KO,
you mean?
Maddie: I just thought that
maybe we need a change…maybe we should look for a place that isn’t mine…or
yours…but ours.
David: (glances around the
well-appointed room, the beautiful large windows that frame the view of the hot
tub, pool, and landscaping beyond) I don’t know…this is pretty nice. If we’re looking for something that’s ours…it’s going to have to be on a
different scale.
Maddie: You mean,
more like this? (points
to one of the larger photos)
David: Around here? Are you kidding? (also points at
photo) See this little pied-à-terre for Rover in the backyard? That’s
about what I could afford.
Maddie: (sighs) David, I know you’re feeling sensitive
about the balance of things financially…but honestly, I don’t mind—
David: But I do.
(He takes her hand) Maddie, I want
to be able to provide for you…and for little Bunny here. I want to be able to take care of both of
you…I want you to be able to stay home with Bunny if you want to—
Maddie: (bristling) We’ve talked about this—I’m definitely going back to work.
David: I know…and as long as
you want to work, that’s great. But if you ever decide you’d rather be at
home…I want you to have that choice.
Maddie: We’re already
partners in the agency, David—half of everything we make is yours.
David: Exactly. So I need to make sure that my half is
enough—which might mean taking more cases, working longer, and cutting back…not
buying things we don’t need…
Maddie: Like a new house?
David: This has been your
home for a long time, Maddie…and now it’s our home. If we decide, sometime, that we need fewer
windows for Junior to smash baseballs through…then we can look around.
He cups her cheek in one hand and
kisses her, very softly. Maddie covers
his hand with hers.
Maddie: (tearing up) David, no
matter what the checkbook says, you are
a great provider…of all the things that are really important. Wisdom, and humor, and a zest for life—our
child will have all of those, because of you.
David: You forgot one
sterling quality…
Maddie: What’s that?
David: I have great taste in women.
He pulls her closer, and their
kissing goes from sweet to serious…Maddie breaks away, breathless.
Maddie: And what if Bunny
turns out to be a girl?
David: (smiling) Then I don’t
stand a chance.
They continue to kiss…and we discreetly ...
FADE OUT
~|~ ~|~ ~|~ ~|~ ~|~ ~|~ ~|~ ~|~
Cue Music (softly):
I'll be loving you, always
With a love that's true, always
When the things you plan
Need a helping hand
I will understand, always, always
Curtains billow in the breeze that’s
floating through an open bedroom window, and the moonlight shimmers across the
bed. David rests his head on one elbow, smiling contently at Maddie, who sleeps
soundly beside him. He pulls the sheet over her shoulder and eases out of the
bed, making sure not to wake her. Clad only in boxers, he tiptoes across the
room and goes to the guest bedroom down the hall. Pulling a flat brown box from
under the bed, he stops, looks to the door and listens, then puts the box on
the bed and opens it.
David stands in front of a
full-length mirror. A brown cowboy hat
rests on his head as he buckles a double leather holster around his waist. He
slides two shiny toy pistols into the gun holders and steps back appraisingly.
David: (pulls the guns, slow and sloppy) Hold
it!
Puts them back and tries again.
David: Hold on there, Pilgrim!
One gun gets stuck. He puts them
back and tries yet again.
David: It’s time you learned some respect!
He drops one and it lands on the
floor with a thud. He turns to the door and listens for Maddie. Hearing
nothing, he picks up the gun and turns to the mirror again.
David: (another try) You lookin’ for trouble, fella?
He gives a go at pulling the guns
out and spinning them on one finger. He fumbles and then points and aims at his
reflection.
Maddie: (standing in doorway, smiling) Mister, if you’re looking
for trouble I can give it to ya…it’d be a pleasure.
He holsters the guns, looking
caught, and tips his hat back, looking at Maddie in the mirror. She comes up
behind him and wraps her arms around his waist, looking around one shoulder.
Maddie: Don’t have any Indians hiding under the bed, do you?
David: You shouldn’t be sneaking up on an armed Cowboy.
Maddie: You didn’t seem to mind so much a few hours ago….
David: (turning to her, brushing a strand of hair from her face)
Sorry if I woke you.
She meets his gaze.
Maddie: David, what is all of this stuff?
He gives her that half-smile of his,
looking in the mirror at himself again.
David: (with a southern drawl) Ma’am, a Cowboy’s gotta be ready if he’s gonna
catch an Injun or two.
His eyes shift back to her, trailing
down to her belly underneath her silky nightgown.
David: Cain’t have our little pardner learnin’ from just any ol’ gunslinger.
She takes his hat and puts it on her
head.
Maddie: He’ll be learning from the best…or she.
David: She…yeah… might need to teach a little Cowgirl a thing or
two about Cowboys…especially if she looks anything like her mama…
He looks her up and down.
David: Wouldn’t hurt to learn to pack a pistol or two…
Maddie: Especially if those Cowboys are
anything like her daddy.
David: (pulling her to him, planting a kiss on her neck) Didn’t seem to mind a few hours ago…
Maddie: (pushes away gently) David…I don’t think you have anything
to worry about. He or she will learn plenty from the both of us. Somebody
pretty smart has been saying that all along, you know.
David: (letting her go, readjusting the hat on her head) Be prepared, Pilgrim, always be prepared.
Maddie: Aren’t you mixing up your mottos a little? And besides, you
have plenty of time to get prepared…you’ll be spouting computer jargon before
the kid can crawl.
David: I took it all back, Maddie.
Maddie: David, I thought we agreed—
David: I know…I just…it was something Leonard said…something about
staying on the right track, but if you just sit there, chances are you’ll get
run over. As crazy as he seemed, he made
a lot of sense… I think he was right…in a lot of ways.
Maddie: (puts the hat back on his head and turns for the door) Well, pardner…we better stay one step
ahead then, huh? Won’t be long before our nights will be
mixed up with our days with no time to just sit.
She smiles and goes out the door.
David looks back in the mirror, runs his fingers around the edge of his hat and
squares his feet, drawing his guns.
David: So, we meet again, fella!
He gives the spinning pistol trick
another shot. Maddie peeks around the door again.
Maddie: (seductively) Come on,
Cowboy. It’s not polite to keep a lady waitin’…
David: Be right there, ma’am!
He drops a pistol on his bare toe.
David: (hobbling to the door) Ouch!
He hops and hobbles to their bedroom
door, his holster and guns jingling. Taking his hat off, he closes the door.
A moment later, the door cracks open
and he hangs his hat on the doorknob, closing the door again.
Cue Music:
I'll be loving you, always
With a love that's true, always
When the things you plan
Need a helping hand
I will understand, always, always
Days may not be fair, always
That's when I'll be there, always
Not for just an hour
Not for just a day
Not for just a year, but always
Days may not be fair, always
That's when I'll be there, always
Not for just an hour
Not for just a day
And, not for just a year, but always
THE END
~|~ ~|~ ~|~ ~|~ ~|~ ~|~ ~|~ ~|~
Music credits:
Theme from “The Good, The
Bad, & The Ugly”
“Mama Don’t Let Your Babies
Grow Up To Be Cowboys” sung by Willie Nelson
“Blue Moon of Kentucky” sung by Patsy Cline
Theme from “Rawhide”
“Happy Trails” sung by Roy Rogers
“Always” sung by Patsy Cline
Acknowledgements:
Thanks, as always, to Glenn Gordon Caron, Cybill Shepherd, and Bruce Willis for creating a show that
lives in our hearts even today.
To Diane, Lizzie, and Sue…this episode is the
fruit of some pretty spectacular brainstorming…thanks for all your ideas and
support!
Jen: C, you are THE BEST. Full of ideas and always willing to pick me
up when I needed it…you make a great writing “pardner”…here’s
to lots more collaborations!
Connie: Thanks Jen! While this was a challenge, it
was tons of fun. Thank goodness for the internet, cell phones and texting! And
thank you to all of the readers. I would love to hear what you think, so click
on the comments link below and gives us a holler, ya’
hear?