Virtual Moonlighting, Season 9

Episode 4


Blue Moon Detective Agency

Maddie Hayes’ Office



David and Maddie are leaning against the edge of her desk.


 David:  (enthusiastically) There they are!  Our loyal readers!  Looking good!  Well, I’m David Addison and ….


Maddie: (in a monotone) I’m Maddie Hayes.


David:  Hold the phone, Goldilocks!  That kind of enthusiasm isn’t going to get anybody hyped.  That click, click, click you hear is them switching to Virtual “Lois and Clark”.  That Superman stuff is giving us a run for our money this season.


Maddie:  Too bad.


David:  Too bad!  Too bad?  Do you realize how hard it is to hang onto readers in this day and age?


Maddie:  Do YOU realize how hard it is just to get up every morning and go through the efforts to get myself to look like an actual human being?  I would think, you being the person who’s been my hair holder for most of the past three months, would be a little more attuned to that – maybe you might have tried to schedule this later than at 8 bloody AM in the morning.


David:  But the union…….


Maddie:  Make sure the union is standing close by when I need someone’s shoes to throw up on.


David: (shameful)  Sorry.


Maddie: Yeah, right.  Meanwhile let me ask you a couple of questions.  How come whenever we do one of these, we have to introduce ourselves?  Don’t you think anybody who is reading this stuff knows who we are, and how they found this?  It’s not as if we’re the lead story on AOL these days.


David:  Yes, dear.


Maddie glares.


Maddie:  Yes, dear?


David:  Isn’t that what you wanted me to say?  I’m dancing as fast as I can here.


Maddie remains silent.  David scratches his head for a moment, then his face lights up, with a brainstorm.


David:  Maddie, can you do me a favor?


Maddie:  What?


David:  Can you close your eyes, and put your hands over your ears?


Maddie:  Because?


David:  Because I am going to say something that you definitely are not going to want to hear….but I think we can eliminate a whole lot of this crazy banter if you let me say it.


Maddie:  I’m too tired to argue with you.


Maddie sighs, closes her eyes and covers her ears, elbows turned out.


David admires her for a minute.


David:  Nice pose…really enhances her…ummmmm…shall we say, upper torso.


He looks directly into the camera, speaking to the readers with sincerity.


David:  Now without being condescending, Ms See No Evil, Hear No Evil has been battling some raging hormones.  In fact, speaking confidentially, some days have been downright challenging….and I know challenges with this lady!


He raises his arm and shakes his fist in the air.


David:  Danged writers!  But they have assured me that about one act into this episode, we hit the mark – slide into second…….the second trimester, that is.  The morning, afternoon and evening sickness are all gonna take a hike, and we’ll have our girl….my girl….back to normal.


He winks.


David:  Well, she may be a little chubbier around the middle, but ix-nay on the at-fay jokes!


He leans over and kisses Maddie, causing her to open her eyes.


Maddie:  Brave man….kissing on the lips before noon.


David:  Bite your tongue…or perhaps you should leave that to someone with more highly developed skills in that area.


Maddie:  Puh - leeeease… have you finished what you wanted to say?


David:  Yes.


Maddie:  And I don’t want to hear it?


David:  Nope.  Suffice it to say, the next time, you get irrationally mad at me for what seems like no reason, you can use this one as back-up.


Maddie:  An IOU?  I like it.


David:  So shall we move on?  This is turning into a long promo.


Maddie:  And it’s not as if we need to extend this episode.  Diane is nothing if not verbose.


David:  Is that a nice word for long winded?


He winks at the camera.


David:  Sorry, Di!


David thinks a minute.


David:  Well, wait a minute Maddie.  I want to ask you another question.


Maddie: (mocking)  Yes, dear?


David:  What year is it?


Maddie:  That IS a question – real, virtual, or Moonlighting?


David:  Let’s start with real.


Maddie:  Well, it’s 2011…but we’re really not supposed to know that.


David: (horrified)  2011!  Hey, that would make us………


Maddie:  Old!  Yeah, that’s why it doesn’t get mentioned much.  I can’t picture our 60-ish selves running car chases, climbing buildings and such.


David:  Think sex is still going to be good then?


He grins.


David:  Of course it is! 


Maddie:  Yeah, you’ll probably have traded me in for a twenty five year old by then.


David:  Not a chance, dollface.  You’ll be nice and broken in by then.


Maddie:  if not broken down.


David:  All right, so lets get back to the topic at hand.  What Moonlighting year is it?


Maddie:  That you should know.  It’s season 9.  The year that changes everything.


David sings.


David:  “Having my baby……”


Maddie:  Hate that song…..


David : (mocking)  Yes, dear.  So what’s left?  Virtual year….chronological?


Maddie:  1993.


David:  I realize I am math challenged, but does that add up?


Maddie:  Five actual seasons, one a short one.


David:  Thought the critics said they all were short ones.


Maddie:  That ship has sailed.  Then, four Virtual ones that bring us to June, 1993.


David looks into the camera.


David:  Is anyone else confused?


Maddie:  The writers.  They are constantly googling to make sure that they have the right songs, right events, right pop culture references.


David:  Googling…..isn’t that wiggling your eyes at somebody?


Maddie:  Oh, David.  I’ll get back to you on that one in about three years.


David: Three years -- real, virtual, chronological? I feel as confused as that time I played a baby in an episode


Maddie:  I think we should just leave it in the writers’ hands…..they‘re doing a pretty good job this year, don’t you think?


David:  (sullenly)  I guess.  After they left us out there in cyberspace to rot for five years.


Maddie:  Bygones, David.  Think they are trying to make up for it.


David:  Well, I’m having fun so far.


Maddie:  Me too.


David:  So is this still a promo for episode four?


Maddie:  if she doesn’t move us along, it’s gonna be a mini-series.


David:  Right.  So you invited everyone for the weekend?


Maddie:  I did.


David:  And who accepted?


Maddie:  All of them.


David:  ALL OF THEM?


Maddie:  All of them.


David:  Your mom and dad?


Maddie:  Check.


David:  My dad and Stephanie?


Maddie:  Check.


David:  Richie and Amy?


Maddie:  Check.


David:  Walter, Terri and the kids?


Maddie:  Check.


David:  Bert and Agnes?


Maddie:  Check.


David:  Checkmate.  How come we don’t know any people who ever seem to have plans?


Maddie:  Just lucky I guess.


David:   Ok…..Ok…..well I guess we’d better do this right…..


He looks into the camera.


David:  Please join us on Sunday, June 12th, for our very special Father’s Day episode.


Maddie:  As you can see, we’ve spared no expense in bringing together all your favorite Moonlighting and Virtual Moonlighting cast members for a family weekend…


David:  In which we reveal that we’re getting a new addition to the family!


Maddie smiles at him:


Maddie:  Our baby!


David:  You won’t want to miss this.  And now, a very special song, for a very special episode.


David sings:

Though you once were the best bunny at the Playboy Club,
You're getting to be a rabbit with me.
I just sit there and stare as you hop from shrub to shrub.
You're getting to be a rabbit with me.
When I proposed to you that evening last spring,
You said you'd be my mate.
So I went out and bought a two-carat ring,
And both of them you ate!
Then your ears grew an inch, and your nose began to twitch,
And I noticed your tail was attached permanently.
So I keep you in the back yard, in a wooden hutch,
'Cause you're getting to be a little too much.

Like Bugs Bunny,
You're getting to be a rabbit with me.
I feel like something's switching,
It's all so strange and new.
Egad, my nose is twitching,
I'm a rabbit too!
I'm getting to be a rabbit,
Hippity hop, I love you,
I'm getting to be a rabbit like you.
Move over honey, and pass the lettuce



Maddie:  David, that’s terrible!


David:  That wasn’t for you, it was for Bunny.  Don’t forget join us on Sunday, June 12th for Virtual Moonlighting, Season Nine, Episode Four.


He leans over and kisses Maddie.


David:  C’mon Hayes, let’s hop on out of here.  That’s a wrap!




Thanks and apologies to Allan Sherman (yeah, the “Hello Muddah, Hello Faddah” guy) for use of his parody of “You’re Getting to Be a Habit with Me.”


See you Sunday…….with more!