Act One

The Hayes/Addison Home

Sunday, November 24, 1991

5:30 P.M.



David Addison, dressed casually in a T-shirt, jeans, and sneakers, enters through the front door.  He kicks off his sneakers in the midst of his trip to the sofa.  He throws himself down, stretching out the full length of the sofa, and groans.


Maddie Hayes, also in casual attire of khakis and a twin set, enters a few moments after him.  She is laden down with a full armload of magazines and brochures, and seems fully engrossed in the one on the top of the pile.  While walking across the room, she trips on one of David’s sneakers.  She manages to stay on her feet, but the pile of literature drops to the floor.


Maddie (annoyed):  Hey, David!


David opens his eyes and glances over lazily.


David:  Oops, sorry.  Glad you didn’t break your leg, Blondie.  I’d hate to have to shoot you.


Maddie casts an eye in his direction.


Maddie:  I’m gonna shoot you if you keep leaving those sneakers in the middle of the living room floor.


She stoops down and begins to gather up the magazines, just as Miss Me begins to paw at them.


Maddie:  Hey, get out of there, you.


She shoos the dog away from the magazines, which we can now see are all promotional materials for new cars.


David watches her for a moment and then speaks.


David:  Did you need some help with that?


Maddie:  Don’t strain yourself.  You’ve had a rough day.


David:  You said a mouthful, sister!


Maddie:  Who’d have ever thought that David Addison would be complaining about buying a new car?


David:  Ho, ho, ho……..did I miss something?  Did we do any buying?


Maddie:  Of course not.  We’re still in the research phase – test-driving, comparison shopping, weighing buy/lease options, considering insurance premiums.


David:  Hell yes, we wouldn’t want to forget that.  And after all, it’s only been four weeks since the accident.


Maddie:  Do I detect a note of sarcasm, Addison?


David:  A note…..hell, maybe a symphony.  Maddie, you’ve gotta admit – this might be a little overkill.  We’ve been doing this for two solid weekends now.  Let me ask you, sweetheart, when we run out of cars in L.A., do we move on to the suburbs?


Maddie:  I would just like to be certain that we’ve made the right choice.


David:  If we ever make a choice.  Well, no matter, I’m starting to form an attachment to that purple number out there.


Maddie:  Yeah, right.


David:  Let me ask you -- did you go through all this when you bought the Beemer?


Maddie:  I didn’t even pick it out.  My business manager made the deal.  But the BMW was a totally different story – when I bought it, it really wasn’t intended to have to work for a living.


David:  Like someone else we know?


Maddie:  Let’s not go there again. Modeling is work of a different kind.


David:  Yeah.   One, two, three……SMILE!  And then cash your gazillion dollar check.


She smiles exaggeratedly.


Maddie:  Sometimes, smiling’s not that easy.


She then gives him a normal, relaxed smile.


Maddie:  Anyway, that’s not my problem anymore.  But let me remind you – there are no more gazillion dollar checks either – so this decision becomes even more important.


David:  And back to the masses of motor vehicles……guess a new BMW is out?


Maddie:  Out of the question, out of the ballpark, totally out, I’m afraid!


David:  That’s a shame.  We did pretty well by that car though, lady.



The Murder’s in the Mail:


Maddie screams as the car is sideswiped.

Maddie:  David, why is he doing that?

David:  Because you’re letting him.  Punch this cow, will you?

Maddie:  OK…I will…..what does that mean?

David:  Step on the pedal, Gretel.


The Next Murder You Hear:


David:  Because it makes you crazy to think that anybody out there is boinking when you can’t.

Maddie:  I can’t hear you…..

David:  Because it makes you crazy that the whole world is out there boinking…the whole world except you.

Maddie:  Not a single word.  Not a single word.

David:  Boink.

Maddie:  Shut up.

David:  Boink, boink, boink, boink, boink, boink, boink, boink, boink, boink.

Maddie:  Stop it!

David:  Can’t you hear them out there?

Maddie:  Stop it, David.

David:  Boink, boink, boink, boink.

Maddie:  Get out of my car!


Twas the Episode Before Christmas:


David:  Personally, I think you’d make a helluva mother.

Maddie:  Thank you.

David:  I mean, it’s not my place to say, but I just have this instinct.

Maddie:  Well, it doesn’t matter.  We’ll probably never know.

David:  What makes you say that?

Maddie:  What do you mean, what makes me say that?  Look at my life, David.  I’m alone, I’m trying to make a business work.

David:  You happy?

Maddie:  Happy?

David:  I mean, if you wanted to have a child…..

Maddie:  But I don’t.

David:  But if you did.

Maddie:  But I don’t

David:  But if you did

Maddie:  But I don’t.

David:  But if you did?

Maddie:  What?

David:  I would help.

Maddie (amused):  You would, huh?

David: Hey, what are friends for?


The Man Who Cried Wife:


David:  Let me talk!  Yes, he hit her, and that’s a terrible thing.  But he didn’t mean to do it.  He didn’t mean –

Maddie:  And that makes it all right?

David:  No, I don’t think that makes it all right.  But even the law acknowledges there’s such a thing as losing your temper, becoming irrational, committing an act of passion.

Maddie (incensed):  Passion?  You call hitting your wife, dragging her down the steps and burying her in the backyard passion?

David:  I don’t call it passion, no….

Maddie:  But you think it’s OK.

David:  No, I don’t think it’s OK.  But it happens.  People do things and say things that they never would do or say if they thought them through.  They act emotionally, spontaneously.

Maddie:  Ah yes, spontaneously.  People acting spontaneously.  A lot of that going around lately.  Anytime some damned fool marries someone he shouldn’t have married or hits someone he shouldn’t have hit, all the boys get together and say, “We’re sorry.  We didn’t mean to do it.  It was just spontaneous.”

David:  Forget I said spontaneous.


To Heiress Human:


David:  There’s a big part of me that can’t help wanting to find that spot on your neck.

Maddie:  That’s perfectly understandable.  What…what spot on my neck?

David:  You know, that little spot on the back of your neck.  Just below your hairline?

Maddie:  Oh yeah.  There.

David:  Kinda brush my lips against it…not hard or anything.

Maddie:  No, no…I understand.

David:  Then maybe…unbutton your blouse.

Maddie:  David…..

David:  Button by button.

Maddie:  Ooooh, I think this conversation is taking a turn.

David:  And then maybe, some little baby kisses down your spine.

Maddie:  This is hard for you.

David:  Yeah.

Maddie:  Which underscores my point, and my appreciation.

David:  And, I don’t know, maybe some little angel kisses on your belly.

Maddie:  Mmmmm.  Which is why we have the pact.

David:  Which is why we have the pact.

David:  Well……

Maddie:  Well……

They lunge at each other.

Maddie:  David, David, David.


Eek, a Spouse!:


Maddie: You know, I’ve spent the last few days, wondering how you feel…constantly asking you how you feel…then this morning, it dawned on me, if only I would stop asking you, then you could stop denying and maybe we could stop fighting.  Because I know how you feel, David.  I know.  David, what you and I have is like nothing I’ve ever heard of.  Maybe I’m afraid of it.  Maybe I’m not strong enough.  But if the day they close the book on us, it says we never got married or we never had a child, well that’s OK.  Because what we have…what we are…what we’re going to be goes beyond licenses and vows.  It’s in our hearts and it’s in our minds.  Only you know.  And only I know.

Maddie’s hand closes over David’s

Maddie:  So……

David:  Long as it doesn’t mean I gotta quit trying.



Maddie smiles slyly.


Maddie:  Some pretty good memories in that car.  We’ll have to remember to break the new one in just as well.


David:  That’s a date.


Maddie:  The BMW was starting to show its age, though.  The repair and maintenance bills were getting outlandish.  I still swear it was never the same after I came back from Chicago in ’88.


David adroitly changes the subject.


David:  Moving right along…….could you imagine being a car salesman?  How slick are those guys?


Maddie is amused.


Maddie:  How slick? 


David:  Dripping, oozing, oil slick slick……..


He launches into his shtick…..


David:  Let me add up a few figures on the magic calculator……I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised…….let me check with my manager to see what kind of a deal we can work out……what can we do to get you to buy the car today?  What bunk!  A buncha shysters trying to get by on their charm.


Maddie:  Not a bad imitation.  Imagine that, people trying to get by on their charm.


David:  We should have been checking for job openings for Rich while we were there.  Sounds right up his alley.


Maddie:  He hasn’t found anything yet?


David:  Guess we’ll find out on Thanksgiving.


He looks at Maddie with a pleading expression.


David:  Do we have to find out on Thanksgiving?  Can’t we just go to Pink’s instead?   Maybe they have turkey dogs.


Maddie:  I’m pretty sure Pink’s is closed on Thanksgiving.  And Amy and Richie have invited all our friends for dinner.


David:  Maybe they should get some friends of their own.


Maddie:  It’s really nice of them to do this.  With my Mom and Dad at Aunt Phyllis’s  and your Dad and Stephanie with her family……..well, it was very nice of them to suggest they host the dinner.


David:  I hope it works out OK.


Maddie:  Are you worried?  I thought they seemed to have worked out their problems.


David:  Yeah……they had a passionate reunion after their first big fight.  Great sex – now they think everything’s fine.


Maddie:  Are you knocking great sex?


David:  Never………seeking great sex, desiring great sex….but never knocking it.


Maddie:  So?


David:  So –  I’m not sure they’ve fixed all that’s broke.


Maddie:  And maybe they have.  Maybe it’s as simple as it seems with them.


David:  They’re simple all right.  Anyway, no use tying up valuable brain cells thinking about it………there’s not a thing we can do about it.


Maddie:  Quite true.


David:  Back to the topic at hand.  Out of the cacophony of cars, the volumes of vehicles – are you starting to narrow down the field?  Anything catch your eye….or any other body part?


Maddie:  I’ve got a few favorites.


David:  What did you say last episode….Ford, Lincoln, Mercury?


Maddie:  Actually since we’ve shopped, I’ve revised my thinking to Toyota, Honda, Mazda.


David:  Good.  You know what Ford stands for, don’t ya?


Maddie shakes her head.


David:  Fork Over Repair Dough. 


Maddie:  There go the sponsors.


David:  Don’t worry, we’ll get new sponsors.  Once we choose a new car, we’ll be on a roll.


Maddie groans.


Maddie:  One more line like that and we’re getting a new writer.  Are you hungry?


David:  Not especially.  The last dealer’s CAR-nival was giving out free cotton candy and popcorn.


Maddie:  So that’s where you disappeared to.


David:  Right.   About dinner -- I figured maybe later we could toss a couple of steaks on the grill.


Maddie:  Good.  Want to go upstairs?


David waltzes over to her, flirting.


David:  Thought you’d never ask.  All this talk about knocking sex……or sex knocking…..or……


Maddie:  You didn’t let me finish.  I thought we could spread all this stuff out and try to come to a decision.


David mugs sarcastically.


David:  Oh, that sounds like fun.


Maddie:  C’mon David, I need your input on this.


David:  That’s what I was talking about, input.


He reacts to her look.


David:  OK, how about this?  You be the super hot model at the car show, and I’ll be the guy from Bakersfield with….shall we say --  power under the hood?


Maddie:  How about if we keep four on the floor for right now?


David:  Spoilsport.  OK, why don’t you take your several tons of “informational literature’ upstairs, and we’ll see if we can get this settled before the 1993 models roll off the production line?


Maddie:  Good idea.


David:  I’ll grab us a bottle of wine – that is allowed, isn’t it?  Vino?


Maddie:  Sure.


David:  Maybe I’ll get you drunk, and we’ll end up with his and hers Porsches.


Maddie:  There’s not that much wine in the world.


David (grumbling):  I suspected that.


Maddie:  That “whine” you can leave down here.  Would you let the dog out before you come up? 


David:  I only live to serve, Miss Hayes.


Maddie:  Serve away, Addison.


She walks towards the stairs laughing.  David heads into the kitchen singing with the dog at his heels.



                                    Baby, you can drive my car

                                    Yes, I’m gonna be a star

                                    Baby you can drive my car

                                    And baby, I love you

                                    Beep beep ‘m beep beep, yeah.




The Hayes/Addison Bedroom

About an hour later



David and Maddie sit on the bed.  The room looks like a bomb has gone off.  Pamphlets and papers are everywhere.


David is waving a brochure in Maddie’s face.  She runs her hands through her hair – exasperated.  By the looks of her hair, she has done this quite a few times this afternoon.  She finally speaks, a little sharply.


Maddie:  No David, I want an automatic transmission.


David:  That’s hardly like driving – a manual lets you get involved.


Maddie:  Most of the time we’re in the car we’re involved enough – one way or another.  I don’t want to be concerned about shifting gears – or gearshifts.


David grins.


David:  Think you’re gonna distract me with a little innuendo, Missy?


Maddie:  I think we’re never gonna settle this if we don’t start thinking practically. 


She gestures around wildly.


Maddie:  I had this stuff all separated by pros and cons.


David:  Cons – I thought the only thing they had to do with cars was license plates.


He sees her look.


David:  Ok, OK………I know you’re high and dry without your anal organization.  Let’s try my method.


He randomly yanks three brochures out of the pile.


David:  OK, how about Jaguar, Porsche, Maserati?


Maddie:  Too expensive.


Three more……..


David:  Geo, Colt, Escort?


Maddie:   Too cheap.


Three more……….


David:  Miata, Civic, Sentra?


Maddie:  Too small.


Three more……..


David:  LTD, El Dorado, Town Car?


Maddie:  Too big.


Three more……….


David:  Suburban, Cherokee, Town and Country.


Maddie wrinkles her nose.


Maddie:  Too macho.


He grabs another.


David:  Isuzu.


They look at each other and speak at once.


Maddie/David:  Bad commercials.


David:  Honey, we’re running out of brochures.


They both reach at once, and end up pulling on the same pamphlet.  Maddie wrests it from David’s grip.  She reads the cover.


Maddie:  Lexus.


David:  Lexus………..I like that.


Maddie starts leafing through the brochure.


Maddie:  Great ratings from Car and Driver……..it’s a Toyota product, but very high end.


David:  Pretty good-looking car.


Maddie:  8 cylinder, all power, theft deterrent system, driver’s side air bag.


David:  Driver’s side?


Maddie:  It’s 1991, remember?


David:  Aluminum wheels, cruise control, moon roof, premium audio system.


Maddie pauses for a moment.


Maddie:  It’s a terrific car.  It was in the top five on my list.  Where the heck is my list?


David:  Why worry about the list?  We like the car, you test drove it, you researched it to death and it was not found wanting……..it has my vote.


Maddie:  It’s dependable, it fits in the budget, the insurance premiums will be reasonable, we can get a good financing deal…….I guess it has my vote, too.


David bounces around on the bed.


David:  Yippee……….now as for color – I suggest Cobalt Blue metallic…..or maybe  Burgundy Pearl metallic……….Royal Jade Pearl metallic?


Maddie grabs the brochure from him.


Maddie:  I don’t see any of those colors.  Look, here’s the selection – Diamond White Pearl, Almond Beige metallic,  Black Onyx…….


David:  What are you looking at?


He takes the brochure from her.  His eyes widen.


David:  Oh no…we’re looking at different models.


Maddie (dryly):  What a surprise.


David:  You want the LS400 – the luxury sedan?


Maddie:  Why not.  It is a well appointed car, has lots of great features, and……


David:  It’s boring.


Maddie:  Boring?


David:  It’s an old guy wearing a bad hat car.  Now the SC 400……..


Maddie:  The sports coupe?


David:  It’s certainly a better-looking car.  It’s got most of the same options.  It’s just ….I don’t know….hipper, more 90’s.


Maddie:  It has two doors.


David:  All cars have two doors.


Maddie:  No, I mean versus four doors.  What if we need to use the car to drive clients.  Four doors are more convenient.


David:  Maddie, in the seven years we’ve been together, I can only remember two notable passengers in the back seat of the car – a dead guy and your cousin.


Maddie:  Both stiffs.


David:  Maddie made a joke.


Maddie:  Yeah, haha.


David:  There’s still a back seat, they just need to climb in.


Maddie:  David, this is first and foremost a company car.  It needs to be practical and dependable.


David:  I give up. Compromise is not a word in the Hayes vocabulary.


Maddie:  I resent that.


David:  But you resemble it.


Maddie:  I can be flexible.  But this is an important decision.


David:  So you’re inflexible about being flexible regarding this particular decision.  I see.


Maddie:  Oh, stick it, David.  You know I’m right.


David:  No, I know you’re sure…….and in your eyes, that’s a lot more deadly than being right.   So, what about the color?


Maddie:  Black?


David:  It’ll look like a hearse……..and all the birds in the neighborhood fly over black cars daily, if you get my drift.


Maddie:  White?


David:  Bleah……….red?


Maddie shakes her head.


Maddie:  Grey?  How about that dark slate gray with a light gray interior?


David:  I guess I can live with that.


Maddie:  Do you want to go over the payment information or insurance?


David:  God, no.


Maddie smiles.


Maddie:  I figured as much.  So, we’ll go to the dealer tomorrow, and we’ll buy a car.


She rises and starts to gather the magazines, chatting all the while.


Maddie:  Now that makes me feel better.  I always feel better once I’ve set my mind on what I’m going to do.  That was a good evening’s work, don’t you think?


She turns to walk away.  David grabs her arm and yanks her back onto the bed as the papers fly everywhere again.


David:  A good evening’s work?  Let me show you a good evening’s work.


Maddie laughs as David pulls her into his arms, and starts to nuzzle her neck.


Maddie:  Why, David, I do believe you have something up your sleeve.


David:  That’s not my sleeve.  Anyway, I don’t think we’re through here.  There are a few more options that need negotiating.


Maddie:  Negotiating?


David continues his romancing.


David:  You know, all this discussion of high performance……….rear suspension…….automatic temperature control…….it’s downright –


Maddie:  Stimulating?


He begins to sing into her ear.


David:                    You don’t need no wax job, you’re smooth enough for me

                                    If you need your oil changed I’ll do it for you free

                                    Oh baby, the pleasure would be all mine

                                    If you let me drive your pickup truck and park it

                                    where the sun don’t shine……….


Maddie:  You do have a way with words, Addison.


David:  Dylan has a way with words……….my game is action.


He starts to unbutton her blouse as the camera pulls back on the scene, then fades to black.



Commercial Break



Act Two

Robinson’s Department Store

Wednesday, November 27, 1991

10:00 A.M.


Maddie and David are seated at a long table in the front of a room filled with about thirty desks.  To the side of the large room are three cubicles, separated from the main room by partitions.  There is a cart with coffee behind the table, and David rises to refill their Styrofoam cups.



David:  This has been a long three days.


Maddie:  But a lucrative three days.  We’re lucky to have a client who provides us with a steady source of income.


David:  Guess it’s like stuff that’s good for you but tastes crummy. This coffee must be really good for you, by the way.


Maddie:  Stop exaggerating.  This isn’t a bad job.


David:  Honesty testing……..blah!


Maddie:  Well, I’m grateful for the work.  Anyway, what would you be doing if we were not here?


David:  You mean if we were not spending endless hours questioning the legions of temporary employment candidates that have made their way through these doors?


Maddie (coddling):  You poor thing, you are in pain. 


Her tone changes.


Maddie:  Suck it up, Addison.  I repeat, what else do you have to do?


David:  We could be picking up the new car, taking it on a road trip –  San Diego, Mexico…..Antarctica?


Maddie:  No matter what new scheme you come up with, you are not getting out of dinner at Richie and Amy’s tomorrow.


David:  Fine. So let’s get this show on the road.  Wonder where my man Viola is?


As if on cue, the door flies open, and what looks like a walking pile of Winchell’s boxes enters.  It staggers over to the table, and drops its six boxes on top.  We see an as usual rumpled Bert Viola.


Bert:  Sorry I’m late.  I rode by Winchell’s and the aroma just kinda drew me in.


Maddie:  Six dozen, Bert?


Bert:  I couldn’t decide what kind everybody would want.


David:  Great decision, sugar boy.  Two dozen apiece.


Bert:  Figured maybe we could give them to the candidates.  If they’re fat and happy, maybe they’ll let down their guard a little.


David:  It’s honesty testing Bert.  Shrinks have been paid mucho bucks to put this little test together, and you think you can skew the results with some complimentary doughnuts?


Bert:  It’s worth a shot.  I’ve been doing some research on this –


David groans.


David:  I’ve had all I can stand of research this week.


Maddie:  Pay no attention to him, Bert.  What kind of research?


Bert:  Did you know that for every three potential employees who walk through the door, one will be completely trustworthy?


David looks at the two of them and laughs.


David:  OK, so what have the two of you got to hide?  Maybe I better give you this test?


Maddie:  So you would be the one who was completely trustworthy?


David:  But of course.


Maddie:  Not a secret in your past, not a question in your mind?  Never anything you hide?


David:  Well………


Maddie:  Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.


David:  You’d better not go anywhere near the rock pile either.  Bert, it’s probably you….  Employee of the month again.


Maddie:  We’re getting off the track.  We’re not the subjects of this particular testing.  What else did you read, Bert?


Bert:  That people who try and give the impression that they are too honest should be just as suspected as those who seem dishonest.


David:  So the one who says he would look all over to find the owner of a dollar he finds on the street……….


Bert:  Is probably just blowing smoke up your……Oops, sorry, Miss Hayes.


Maddie ignores his faux pas.


Maddie:  That’s the premise of these tests.  And then the follow-up interviews help to get some personal insight.


David:  And the good news is that this is our last day of this.


Maddie:  And only a part day at that.  You’ll be out of here by three.


David:  What do you mean – YOU?  Don’t you mean we?


Maddie:  I’ve got to go at around one.  I need to pick up the car, and then stop for the desserts for tomorrow.


David rolls his eyes.


Maddie:  All right gentlemen, shall we begin?  Which of the three categories would you prefer – salespeople, stock people, or Santas and elves.


David weakly raises his hand.


David:  Ho, ho, ho………it’s me for the fat guys and the midgets.  Oops, sorry, Bert.


Bert:  Don’t apologize for my shortcomings, sir.  Should I take the stock people, Miss Hayes?


Maddie:  Fine.  Let’s bring them in and start the written test.


Bert walks to the door, and admits a group of people who fill in the desks.


David walks to the front of the room.


David:  Good morning, potential Santa’s helpers.  My name is David Addison.  This is my partner, Maddie Hayes, and our associate, Bert Viola.  We welcome you on behalf of Robinson’s Department Store – the very merry Christmas place.  We are here to help lead you through the wonderful world of temporary employment, or employment in general, which appears will be a new adventure for many of you.


Maddie pushes in front of him and continues.


Maddie:  Thank you, Mr. Addison.  I’d like to review the procedure.  We will be giving you a written test, which should take about thirty minutes.  Once you have completed the test, you will then come over here to your left, where one of us will speak to you individually, based on the job you are applying for.  Are there any questions?


A scruffy looking man raises his hand.


Maddie:  Yes, sir?


Man:  Are those doughnuts for us?  We heard there were doughnuts.


David looks over at Maddie and chuckles.


Maddie:  Why of course.  When you have completed your test, while waiting for your interview, please help yourself.  Any other questions?


A woman raises her hand.


Maddie:  Yes?


Woman:  Will we be rated on this test?  How smart do you have to be?


Maddie:  This is not an intelligence test.  This is an honesty test where your probability for trustworthiness is rated.


Six people rise and leave the room.


David:  Keep talking Maddie, they’re dropping like flies.  We could be out of here by noon.


Maddie glares over at him, and again addresses the group.


Maddie:  Ok, are we ready?  Please begin.


We focus on a clock, minute hand circling the face.  The group taking the test is in soft focus in the background.


30 minutes later


Series of shock cuts, back and forth between the interviewing cubicles:


Maddie smiles  “So do you have any sales experience?”  The woman responds, “Sales…yeah, I guess you could call it sales.  The police called it procurement.”


David asks, “Do you have any commitments that would make a regular working schedule difficult?”  “Oh yeah,” replies the man, “But just on Thursday.  That’s the day I meet my parole officer each week.”


Bert questions, “Can you tell me about your last job?”  The twentyish male responds, “It was ok.  The pay sucked, but I made some extra money buying stuff for people with my employee discount and charging them.”


Maddie: “Have you dealt with the public before?”  Man:  “I’ve had quite a few jobs dealing with the public.  I’ve gotta tell you, most people are nuts.  They will do anything to make a big deal.  Then it’s your fault, and you’re out on your ear, without so much as a reference.”


David asks, “Why do you want to be a Santa Claus?”  The elderly gentleman responds, “I don’t want to be a Santa Claus.  I am Santa Claus.”  David looks at him skeptically “You don’t believe me?  Tug on the beard.  Hard to believe you’d forget the guy who brought you Mr. Potato Head.”


Bert queries, “Would you classify yourself as a self starter?”  The nervous looking man replies, “Well, we weren’t allowed to do much on our own at the hospital, but I follow directions well.”


Maddie asks, “How would you feel about handling money?”  The woman answers quickly, “I wouldn’t take any.  I learned my lesson about that.”


David:  “So what do you think the main job of a Santa’s helper is?”  The man in the camouflage outfit responds, “ To keep the kids and the parents lined up in an orderly fashion.  You know, I’m not really fond of kids – they’re just too darned undisciplined.  I’m looking forward to this opportunity to teach some of them how to behave.”


Bert asks, “Can I answer any questions about the position?”  The woman, who is leaning on her elbow on the desk, looks up, and responds, “Yes.  How many breaks a day do you get?  How long are they?  Do you get paid for your lunch?”



David sits in his cubicle, scowling at some paperwork he is filling out.  Maddie raps on the partition, and poses lazily against it.  Without looking up, David responds.


David:  If you’re a foot fetishist, have a father complex, or think the sun really does revolve around the earth, please come back next Tuesday for our extra special interview.


Maddie:  How about all of the above?


David:  I’ll make an exception in your case.  Is it just me, or do you feel like you’re working for the Full Moon Detective Agency?


Maddie:  Quite a colorful cast of characters, huh?


David:  Tell me we don’t own any stock in Robinson’s.  I fear for their future if they end up hiring some of these people.


Maddie:  See….that’s why they hired us.  Think of it as doing a good deed – for profit.


David:  Mercenary little soul, aren’t you?


Maddie:  Gotta pay the bills.  It seemed to go fairly well, don’t you think?


David:  Pretty par for the course as far as honesty testing sessions go.  Not including the six people who walked before the test, we only lost five – the two we tossed for cheating on the test, and the three who were fighting over the last jelly doughnut.  I would say that the dropout rate was quite low.


Maddie:  I think we saved Robinson’s a lot of time and trouble by screening out some of the questionable people.


David:  I’m not sure some of the questionable people are people. 


He makes some unearthly sounds.


David:  Beam me up, Maddie.


Maddie:  Up, out, whatever.  I’m leaving to get the car.  I told Agnes to close up the office and send everybody home at three.  You’ll need to get Bert to drop you off at the house when you’re through.


David:  Take me with you --- please!


Maddie:  No can do.  You and Bert need to finish the interviews.


David:  The later it gets, the more squirrelly these people become.


Maddie:  Talk faster.  Don’t look at me, I’ve learned to deal with a squirrelly roommate on a regular basis.


David:  Roommate, huh?  Well, roomie, what’s on the agenda for tonight?


Maddie:  Since you’re being such a good sport about going to Richie and Amy’s tomorrow……


David:  Sarcasm, the devil’s weapon.


Maddie:  I thought maybe we could spend tonight giving thanks.


David:  For what?


Maddie:  You’ll just have to wait and see.


David:  I love a woman of intrigue.  So you’ll be home……..


Maddie:  Before you get there.  Knock three times on the front door, and make sure you know the password.


David:  Which is?


Maddie leans over and whispers in his ear.


David:  You can’t say that on television!


Maddie:  Improvise.  See you later, alligator.


She plants a quick kiss on his slightly gaping mouth and disappears.  David sits perfectly still for a moments, then stands, and goes to the front of the cubicle.  The next interviewee would appear to be a normal woman, except that she has her nose painted bright red.


David looks down at his paperwork, and mutters to himself.


David:  You’ve got to be kidding.


He looks again at the woman and smiles.


David:  Mrs.……….Rudolph, is it?  Hi, I’m David Addison.  Won’t you come in?


As the woman walks past David into the office, he makes a sheer Addison, “can you believe this” face at the camera.






Act Three

The Hayes/Addison Driveway

Wednesday, November 27, 1991

5:30 P.M.


Maddie pulls up in front of the house, driving the new car.  She looks a little harried as she gathers up several bakery boxes, and heads towards the house.


She almost reaches the door when she hears the blast of a car horn.  She turns and sees a car pull in behind hers.  It is a sports car, an old Corvette Stingray.


Now the driveway kind of looks like this:



Maddie's Lexus       David's Corvette



Maddie stands staring as David emerges from the driver’s side of the car.


David:  Hey Mad-day!  Take a look at this baby!  Did you ever see anything so gorgeous?  Outside of you, of course.


He begins to sing.


David:                                      Little red Corvette

                                                      Baby, you’re much 2 fast.

                                                      Little red Corvette

                                                      I need a love that’s gonna last.


He looks at Maddie who is still standing silent.


David:  Yeah, OK, so it’s not red, it’s black cherry, same family.  How come I’m doing all the talking here?  Isn’t it great Maddie?


Maddie:  What is it?


David:  What is it?


Maddie Yes, what is it?


David:  Madolyn Hayes, may I introduce you to THE car – a 1972 Corvette Stingray, 350 V-8 engine, 5.7 liters, dual exhaust system – the works.  Isn’t she a beauty?


Maddie:  Whose is it, David?


David:  It’s mine.


Without a word, Maddie turns on her heel, and walks into the house.  David stares after her, flabbergasted, then makes his way towards the house.  He passes the Lexus, then quickly turns back to get a second look.  He whistles.


David:  I’ll be damned.  She bought the sports coupe!


He enters the house, but Maddie is nowhere to be seen.  This is strange behavior, even for Maddie.


David:  Maddie, where are you?




David:  Maddie?


After a long moment.


Maddie:  I’m in the kitchen.


David walks to the kitchen, and swings open the door.  Maddie is sitting at the kitchen table.


David:  Please tell me you’re not cooking something.


Maddie:  I’m not cooking something.


David:  What are you doing?


Maddie:  I’m counting to ten.


David:  How far are you?


Maddie:  Six.


David:  Is it helping?


Maddie:  Not even a little bit.


David:  Can I say something?


Maddie:  You need my permission?  Feel free.


David:  I was just gonna say, nice car.


Maddie:  Which one?


David:  Well, both I guess.


Maddie:  I thought I had the surprise of the day, but boy, was I wrong.  So when did you buy the Corvette?


David:  On the way home from work.


Maddie:  So you and Bert, after working all day, decided to go on a macho guy sports car shopping spree?


David is puzzled.


David:  No.  I’m gonna risk doing something here that will probably eliminate three pages of “dance around it” dialogue.  Maddie, what is the matter?


Maddie:  I’m just curious.  For the last two weeks, while we went on endlessly about buying the new car, debating, discussing, deciding – was there perhaps a moment in there when you might have slid in the information that you were thinking about buying your own car?


David:  Aha!  I get it!  Maddie, I didn’t think about buying a new car at all.


Maddie:  And yet, there it sits in the driveway.


David:  What can I say, it was kind of spontaneous.


Maddie:  There it is, David Addison’s definition for irrational behavior.  Mister, you choose an ice cream flavor spontaneously, maybe change your brand of deodorant.  But nobody buys a car spontaneously.


David:  I guess I do.


Maddie:  So I see.


David:  No you don’t.  Maddie, we were on the way home, driving down Vine, when this car pulls up next to me.  I couldn’t believe how good it looked – this was the car I lusted after the year I graduated from high school.  And there was a sale sign taped inside the window.


Maddie:  Opportune.


David:  So I rolled down the window and told the guy, “Nice car.” And asked him what he wanted for it.  Maddie, he said five thousand bucks…five thousand bucks, that’s all.  So I motioned for him to pull over.


Maddie:  And?


David:  Maddie, it was like fate.  On one corner was a branch of Bert’s bank.  On the opposite corner, the DMV.  Title, transfer, all in a matter of minutes and we still had enough time to stop at In ‘N Out Burger and grab some lunch.


Maddie:  You borrowed the money from Bert?


David:  Just till I get to the bank.


Maddie:  You have five thousand dollars?


David:  Cripe Maddie, I’m not destitute.  Don’t forget, my rent has been significantly decreased in the not too remote past.


Maddie:  So, you have five thousand dollars.


David looks a little sheepish.


David:  I’ve got about half.


Maddie:  And insurance?  What’s the insurance premium on a car like that?  And did you have a mechanic check it out?


David:  Maddie, you can beat me over the head all day with your “practical” questions.  Bottom line is, I saw the car, and I didn’t think I could pass it up.



Maddie:  Nobody’s saying you had to pass it up.  But maybe, just maybe you might have thought, “I really like the car, but I’d like to go home and discuss it with Maddie first.”


David:  And risk the guy changing his mind?  It just doesn’t work that way, Maddie.  I had to have that car.  Aren’t there things that you’ve seen and just had to have?


Maddie:  A dress, a pair of earrings……


David:  A painting?


Maddie:  That’s not the same thing at all.  That was a long time ago, and we weren’t sharing decisions then.


David:  Are we now?


Maddie:  What do you mean?


David:  Why am I surprised that the sports coupe is sitting in the driveway if we’re sharing decisions?  In spite of the fact that we are sharing a life, and together 24/7, you’re still driving the bus……..or the Lexus, so to speak.


Maddie:  You’re changing the subject.


David:  No I’m not.  The subject here is power, lady, and why you think you have to have all of it.  I bought a car.  Big freaking deal.


Maddie:  I bought one too.  The one you wanted.  Maybe you might want to think about that……why I did that.


They are glaring at each other.


David:  Fine.


Maddie:  Fine.


David:  Good.


Maddie:  Good.


David:  I’m going to take a drive.


Maddie:  You haven’t got insurance.


David:  Maybe I’ll go get some.


He slams out the back door.


Musical Interlude:


We see Maddie watching David slam out the door………..going to the phone…….speaking for a while……..making a pot of coffee………sitting at the kitchen table staring into space with a cup of coffee in front of her……….


                                                      I don’t know what I was thinking

                                                      Till I was thinking of you

                                                      I don’t remember a thing before I opened my eyes

                                                      And you came into view

                                                      I don’t know what I was doing

                                                      When there was nothing to do

                                                      Must’ve been waiting for someone, baby

                                                      Now I can see, I was waiting for you

                                                      I’d give up my sight just to see you

                                                      I’d beg, I would borrow or steal

                                                      I’d cut off my hands just to touch you

                                                      And tear out my heart so you’d know how I feel

                                                      There’s nowhere that I wouldn’t follow

                                                      There’s nothing that I wouldn’t do

                                                      Cause I wouldn’t wanna be me

                                                      If I didn’t have you.



We see David……………driving the car……….switching on the radio………..pulling over at a telephone booth and staring at the phone………driving again…….stopped at an overlook high above the city.


                                                      Driving myself to distraction

                                                      Until you got in my way

                                                      I was just whistling Dixie till you struck up the band

                                                      And they started to play

                                                      I don’t know how I was living

                                                      Until you came in my life

                                                      I always knew there was something wrong

                                                      Then you came along

                                                      Baby, you made it right.

                                                      I’d give up my sight just to see you

                                                      I’d beg, I would borrow or steal

                                                      I’d cut off my hands just to touch you

                                                      And tear out my heart so you’d know how I feel

                                                      There’s nowhere that I wouldn’t follow

                                                      There’s nothing that I wouldn’t do

                                                      Cause I wouldn’t wanna be me

                                                      If I didn’t have you.



Split screen, close ups of Maddie and David as the music plays to conclusion.



                                                      I was alone in the silence

                                                      Till I was hearing your voice

                                                      I couldn’t see my way clear until you parted the clouds

                                                      And you gave me a choice

                                                      I couldn’t pick up the pieces

                                                      Till I was falling apart

                                                      I didn’t know I was bleeding

                                                      Till your love fixed this hole, baby here in my heart

                                                      I’d give up my sight just to see you

                                                      I’d beg, I would borrow or steal

                                                      I’d cut off my hands just to touch you

                                                      And tear out my heart so you’d know how I feel

                                                      There’s nowhere that I wouldn’t follow

                                                      There’s no place that I’d rather be

                                                      This life without you would be hollow

                                                      This love is a gift and you gave it to me

                                                      All that I am, you have made me

                                                      And baby, I know that it’s true

                                                      I’d give it all up in a heartbeat

                                                      Just to spend every moment with you

                                                      There’s no place that I wouldn’t follow

                                                      There’s nothing that I wouldn’t do

                                                      Cause I wouldn’t want to be me

                                                      If I didn’t have you.




The Hayes/Addison kitchen

Two hours later.



David enter through the kitchen door and is surprised to see Maddie still sitting at the table.


David:  Hi.


Maddie:  Hi.


David:  What are you still doing in here?  Couldn’t find your way out of unfamiliar territory?


Maddie smiles and shrugs her shoulders.  They size each other up for a moment, then both begin to speak at once.


Maddie:  David?                                David:  Maddie?


Maddie:  Me first.  I acted like a jerk.  You were all excited about the car, and I was all over it like the some kind of guardian of right behavior.  I’m sorry.  I’m not your keeper, I’m not your mother –


David:  You’re my lover, and my partner, and my friend.  We should share most of our decisions.  Maybe we should have shared this one.  But I’m warning you, I’m just not gonna remember to share all of them.


Maddie:  Yeah, I know, that spontaneous thing.  You don’t really think this is all about me having power, do you, David?


David:  Sometimes.  But that’s OK too.  The struggle can be quite a trip.


Maddie:  So we’re OK?


David:  Capital O, capital K.  So how would you like to show me your new car?


Maddie:  I’ll show you mine if you show me yours.


David:  And we wait to look at the cars till the morning?  I like that idea.


He takes her hand and pulls her out of the chair.  As they walk to the stairs to the second floor, he suddenly stops.


David:  Isn’t this the third act?


Maddie:  Mmmm hmm.


David:  How can we have resolution in the third act?


Maddie:  Thanksgiving is gonna take up the whole fourth act.  She figured she’d get this out of the way.


David:  What the hell.  I’m flexible.


Maddie:  I would say that’s been established.


David:  Gotta tell you one thing though….I still don’t have car insurance.


Maddie, standing on the bottom step, smiles.


Maddie:  Yes you do.


David looks at her with a confused expression.


Maddie:  I didn’t want you driving around without it.  After you left, I called our agent, and he added the car temporarily to the agency’s policy.  You have to straighten out the details with him on Friday morning.


David:  See, sometimes I like it when you take charge of me.


Maddie start to pull him up the stairs.


Maddie:  If you like that, you’re gonna love this.


Laughing, they disappear up the stairs as the music plays.



                                    If you need some transportation

                                    From a world of tribulation

                                    Tell me your destination

                                    I’ll be – I’ll be your ride

                                    If you’re out of inspiration

                                    All you feel is desperation

                                    Consider this an invitation

                                    I’ll be – I’ll be your ride

                                    We’ll get a running start and we’ll take to the sky, baby


                                    Keep your hands on the wheel and your eyes on the prize

And ride.


And when the world that you’ve created

Has got you feeling tired and jaded

Get your spirits elevated

Dig down – way deep inside

And when you’re feeling scorned and hated

Under appreciated

And your guiding light has faded

I’ll be – I’ll be your ride

We’ll get a running start and we’ll take to the sky, baby


Keep your hands on the wheel and your eyes on the prize

And ride.


And when you call and they don’t remember

When your mail says return to sender

Keep the faith baby, don’t surrender

I’m on your side

I’ll be your – I’ll be your

I’ll be – I’ll be your ride

We’ll get a running start and we’ll take to the sky, baby


Keep your hands on the wheel and your eyes on the prize

And ride.






Act Four

Richie and Amy’s House

Thanksgiving Day

4:00 P.M.



The Corvette pulls into the driveway and Maddie and David emerge from the car.  David reaches for the bakery boxes and they walk towards the door.


David:  So what do you think?  It’s pretty great, huh?


Maddie:  It looks great.  In fact, I think it looks a little too great for a car that only cost five thousand dollars. I don’t know, David.  I still think you’d better have it checked out mechanically.  It feels like it’s running a little rough.


David:  It’s an old car.  And it has a carburetor – none of that fuel injected stuff.  Maybe that’s what you’re feeling.


Maddie:  Maybe.  Oh look, Walter and Terri are already here.  I was hoping that we would beat them here.  They really don’t know Richie and Amy very well.


David:  Last chance to make a break for it.


Maddie leans across him and emphatically presses the doorbell.  They wait for a few moments, and finally, Amy comes to the door.  She looks out of sorts – exhausted.  She manages a weak smile.


Amy:  Maddie, David, hi!  Come on in.


Maddie hands her a gaily wrapped package.


Maddie:  Happy Thanksgiving.  For the hostess.


Amy:  Thanks.  Do you think you could take care of your coats?  I’m up to my elbows in the kitchen.


Maddie:  Can I help?


David stands behind her, gesturing wildly, and shaking his head “NO”.  Maddie catches him at it, and punches him in the arm.


Maddie:  David!


Amy gives them a half smile.


Amy:  No, I’ll be fine, thanks.  David, why don’t you give me those boxes?  You actually can help entertain Walter and Terri.  I’m afraid I’ve kind of abandoned them.


She walks towards the kitchen as David starts to ask….


David:  Where’s….


The kitchen door slams shut behind her.


David:  ….Richie?


David and Maddie exchange glances, then walk into the living room, where Walter and Terri sit side by side on the sofa.  Greetings are exchanged, along with hugs and kisses.


Terri:  You guys look great.  What’s up?


David:  Well, we’ve lost a little weight in the wallet.  Just bought two new cars.


Walter:  Wow!  Good for you.


David:  We’ll go outside later and I’ll give you the grand tour, Walter.  You won’t believe this baby.


We hear a small squeaky voice.


Voice:  Hey!


We pan down to reveal little Wally.


David:  Yo Wally, you’re turning into a regular old man.  You married yet?


Wally:  You’re silly, Uncle David.  Isn’t he silly, Aunt Maddie?


Maddie leans down and picks him up.


Maddie:  He’s always silly.  How are you doing, sweetheart?


Wally:  I’m grrrreat, like Tony the Tiger.  Did Uncle David say he’s getting a baby?


Maddie:  A baby?  No honey, Uncle David got a new car.


Wally:  Too bad.  I’m getting a new baby.


Maddie:  You are?


They look towards Terri and Walter who nod happily.


Terri:  Not much chance of keeping a secret with a toddler around.


Maddie:  Oh that’s wonderful, Terri.  When?


Terri:  The middle of June.


David punches Walter on the shoulder.


David:  Way to go buddy.


Walter:  Thanks, David.  I couldn’t have done it without her.


He smiles at his wife, who places her hand on his thigh.


Maddie:  What exciting news!


David:  Speaking of exciting, have you seen my brother?


Walter:  As far as we can gather, he’s not here.  Amy made some sort of cryptic comment, and then fled to the kitchen.  We haven’t seen her since.


We hear the sound of crashing pots and pans coming from the kitchen.


Terri:  We have heard a lot of that, though.


Maddie:  Let me go see if she needs any help.


David:  No, let me go.  The jerk’s my brother, after all.  Let Agnes and Bert in when they get here, will you Maddie?


David heads towards the kitchen.  Amy is surrounded by piles of dishes, and a trio of pots is wildly boiling on the stove.


David:  Amy, what can I do for you?


She puts on her brave face.


Amy:  David, really it’s fine.  Just go in and have a seat and…..


Her face crumbles, and tears run down her cheeks.  David, clearly uncomfortable, nudges her towards a chair.


David:  Just sit down.  This can all wait a few minutes.


He walks to the stove and turns the flame under the pots off.


David:  OK, first things first.  Where’s Richie?


Amy:  He’s out.  I haven’t seen him since ten o’clock this morning.  It’s something to do with a job.  He’s very excited about it – some kind of surplus business – buying holiday decorations after the holiday is over, and then holding them until the following year, and making a great profit.


David:  Less warehousing costs and transportation expenses.  Wonder if he’s taken that into consideration?  I wouldn’t count on it.


Amy:  It’s hard to know what to count on anymore.  God, David, I’m so tired.  I’ve worked over fifty hours already this week.  I was in the law library until 2 A.M. – and I’m cooking this blasted dinner Richie insisted on for people I hardly know.  And big surprise – he’s not here and he’s not helping.


David:  What do you want me to say, Amy?  He’s my brother.


Amy:  Tell me you don’t put Maddie through stuff like this.  No, of course you don’t.  She’d never stand for it.


David:  I don’t know.


Amy:  Tell me I’m not crazy.  Tell me I’m not expecting too much.


David:  I’m not gonna do that, Amy.  As corny as it sounds, I’m not my brother’s keeper.


Amy:  Sometimes I think he needs a keeper.


David:  Isn’t that part of the job you signed on for? 


Amy:  What – for richer, for poorer, for stupid and thoughtless, for irresponsible and unfair?


David:  Amy, I’m gonna give you my last word on this subject.  After that, I’ll be happy to carve the turkey, set the table or perform any Thanksgiving chore you’d like.  But I don’t want to discuss your personal lives anymore.


Amy:  So all right, what are your words of wisdom?


David:  Amy, Richie is the same guy I’ve known all my life.  Nothing’s changed  -- not since you’ve married him, not since he graduated from high school.  If you married him thinking he was somebody else, maybe you made a mistake.


Amy:  Yeah, maybe I did.


David:  So what can I help you with here?


Amy (coldly):  Nothing.  Just go back into the living room.  Tell your friends that dinner will be ready shortly.


After one last glance back at her, David returns to the living room.  Agnes and Bert have arrived.  Bert carries several bottles of wine.  He approaches David, extending his hand.


Bert:  Happy Thanksgiving, Mr. Addison.  Should I take the wine into the kitchen?


David:  No, you better give them to me, Bert.  We’re trying to keep sharp objects and things made of glass away from Amy.


Maddie moves over to David’s side.


Maddie:  Is everything OK?


David:  Everything is definitely not OK.  I don’t think this is going to be pretty.


The front door opens and Richie swaggers through.  Flashing a big smile, he enters the living room.


Richie:  Hail the conquering hero.  I just made a killing in Thanksgiving balloons.  Hey everybody, how are you?  Welcome to our humble home.  Did you all get a drink?  And who belongs to the bitchin’ Corvette outside?


He leans down to little Wally.


Richie:  Hey little buddy, how are you?


David crosses the room to Richie and puts his arm around his shoulders.


David:  Hey Rich, can I talk to you a minute?  Outside?


Richie:  Sure thing, Dave.


As they walk towards the door, Amy appears in the kitchen doorway.  Her voice is raised and strained.


Amy:  Richard, may I get a little help in here, please?


Richie:  Sure, hon.   Sorry, bro, she outranks you.


An uncomfortable silence falls across the living room, as raised voices start to be heard coming from the kitchen – mainly disjointed phrases, but the meaning is clear.


How could you do this to me?……………I don’t care……..it’s always about you and your harebrained schemes………I don’t even know most of these people, let alone like them, and I’ve been stuck here all day, by myself……..you can be as sorry as you want, Rich, but this really stinks……….


They all look around, clearly embarrassed.  Terri speaks quietly.


Terri:  Maddie, maybe we’d better go.


David:  No, I think we better stay.  We might be the only reason that’s keeping her from killing him.


Richie comes from the kitchen, smiling. 


Richie:  About five more minutes, guys.  David, why don’t you pop the corks on the grape, while I help Amy get the stuff out onto the table.


David rolls his eyes at Maddie, while he plies the corkscrew.  Everyone else talks in exaggerated whispers, until Richie calls out.


Richie:  Come and get it.  Dinner is served.


They all file into the dining room.  The table is beautifully laid, and the food looks great.  They all take seats, as David finishes pouring the wine.  He returns it to the cooler, and takes his seat next to Maddie.


Richie:  Here we go folks…..good bread, good meat, good God, let’s eat.


Maddie:  Happy Thanksgiving, everybody.


Richie:  I’d like to propose a toast.  To my lovely wife, who looks like she has outdone herself with this wonderful meal.


Various comments:  Hear, hear!  Great job, Amy.  Yeah, here’s to the cook.


David:  I’d like to propose another toast to Terri and Walter, and their expected addition. 


Richie:  A baby?  That’s great you guys.  Congratulations.  There’s something we need to put on our “to do” list, Ames, a baby.


Amy’s expression has not changed since she sat down.


As though he has not noticed that the atmosphere is a bit subdued, Richie chatters on.  The food is being passed around the table.  Richie puts gravy on his potatoes, and picks up his fork to take a bite.  As they reach his mouth, he chews, then frowns.


Richie:  Amy, the gravy’s a little cold.  Do you think you might want to warm it up?


Amy’s jaw tightens a bit as she deliberately rises from her chair.  She walks to the other end of the table, takes the gravy boat from Richie, smiles, and pours the contents over his head.


Richie:  Hey, what the………Amy?


Amy swings into action.  She grabs the bowl of mashed potatoes.


Amy:  Here, Rich, what’s gravy without mashed potatoes? 


She begins to flings handfuls in his direction.  Unfortunately, most of them land on Maddie.  She shrieks.


Maddie:  Amy….stop.  What are you doing?


Amy:  Oh shut up you……….I’m really sick of you – the perfect woman who picked the perfect brother…….here, have some of this.


A large lump of creamed spinach lands in Maddie’s hair.


Richie starts to laugh.


Richie:  The perfect brother…who, David?  You gotta be kidding.


David:  Hey idiot, what are you laughing at?  You’ve got giblets in your ears.


Richie:  Have some cranberry sauce, Dave?


The entire bowl hits David right in the face.


Little Wally, sitting right in front of the bowl of peas, starts tossing fistfuls around the room, while laughing uproariously at the game.  Terri futilely tries to stop him, as Walter wipes scattered blobs of potatoes off his glasses.  Bert takes position at the far end of the table while randomly lobbing dinner rolls at unsuspecting targets.  Agnes uses her dinner napkin as a shield.


Amy starts to laugh uproariously.


Amy:  How about some more spinach, Maddie?


She grabs Maddie by her silk blouse, and pours the rest of the bowl of creamed spinach down the front.


Maddie is now incensed.


Maddie:  Why you insufferable brat.  What the hell is wrong with you?


She grabs the casserole of candied yams, marshmallow topping and all, and places it upside down, like a hat, right on Amy’s head.


Agnes (screaming):  Everybody, stop it, right now!


This finally puts a stop to the craziness.  They are all shocked into silence, and look around the room at each other.  Amy bursts into tears, and runs upstairs, the casserole falling from her head and shattering on the floor.


Richie looks around.


Richie:  I’d better go up there.


David:  How about if we clean this all up?


Richie:  No, I think it would be better if you all go.  I’ll take care of it.  Sorry everybody.


David mops his face with his napkin, and succeeds in removing most of the cranberries.  Maddie on the other hand is still pulling handfuls of creamed spinach from down the front of her blouse, and her hair is a lovely shade of green.


Walter grabs Wally, and makes him drop the last handful of peas.


Terry smiles.


Terri:  Wally, we will need to have a serious discussion about table manners when we get home.


David looks over at her, and starts to laugh, which starts the rest of them.  They gather their things while trying to hold the laughter in.


David:  Hey Maddie, do me a favor, and see if they’ve got any plastic trash bags in the kitchen?


Maddie:  Richie said he wanted us to just leave it and go.


David:  I’m not cleaning it up.  But you’re not riding in my new car like that – getting all that stuff on the seats.  We need to get garbage bags to cover them.


David turns to walk towards the door, and almost immediately, is hit in the back of the head with a clump of creamed spinach.  Maddie clasps her hands above her head and takes her bows.


As they all file out the door, David and Maddie turn back to look at the mess in the dining room.


David:  I’ll tell you one thing, we’re going out to a restaurant next Thanksgiving.


Maddie:  Let’s go.  Maybe Pink’s will be open.


David:  You’ve gotta stay in the car.


She pushes him out the front door.







In David’s car

On the way home.



Maddie:  I can’t believe that whole scene.  I can’t believe I was throwing food at people.  What the hell was that?


David:  I can’t say I haven’t flung a little nourishment before, but then I went to a state college where Food Fight was one of the majors.


Maddie:  I think Amy’s lost her mind.


David:  I just think she’s feeling overworked and under appreciated.  It certainly was a dramatic way to get some attention, wasn’t it?


Maddie:  So what do you think is going to happen.  With them I mean?


David:  I’m out of it.  And I told her so.  Maybe that was part of what made her mad.


Maddie:  I don’t think she likes us very much.


David:  I don’t think she knows us very well.  She’s got this twisted notion that we’re perfect people.  Now, I don’t know about me, but I could sure point out a few of your flaws to her.


Maddie:  Give me strength.


David:  You were that mad at me last night.  How come you didn’t start throwing food?


Maddie:  Cause you catch more flies with honey than with giblet gravy.  And cause it’s much more fun doing what we ended up doing last night.  I guess we’re starting to figure out how to reconcile our differences.


David:  And tolerate them……..maybe even appreciate them.


The motor makes a coughing noise.


David: Uh oh, something’s wrong.


He steers the car off to the side of the road, just as it sputters and dies.


Maddie:  Is this the portion of the show sponsored by “I told you so”.


David:  You’re so attractive when you do that.


Maddie:  Should we call AAA?


David:  Look out the window – beautiful view of the city, quiet night full of the stars and the moon – why don’t we just wait till somebody comes along?


Maddie:  With all this junk all over me?


David:  There’s an idea.  I’m hungry.  Got any spinach left?


As he starts to reach for her, the screen fades to black.






Music Selections:


Drive My Car by the Beatles

Dirty Song by Bob Dylan

Little Red Corvette by Prince

If I Didn’t Have You by Amanda Marshall

Ride by Amanda Marshall



As the owner of a 1993 Sentra with more dents than smooth spots, I have very little knowledge of cars.  As you can imagine, that presented me with challenges in writing this story.  Luckily, I called on Kelli, our Moonlighting list’s resident authority, who steered me in the right direction on all my car info.  Thanks a bunch, Kelli.


And as usual, thanks to my two Virtual compadres, Lizzie and Sue, who are never too busy to lend a helping hand, and whose brains are the most “pickable” around.  You guys are the best.


I had fun with this story. Unbelievable as it seems, the employment interviews come from vast years of experience in the retail field! Be frightened, be very frightened!  And as always, I hope you enjoy!