Virtual Moonlighting, Season 9

Episode 6 - Promo

Blue Moon Investigations

David’s Office

David sits at his desk, wearing the signature green eyeshade that denotes “scheme afoot” at Blue Moon. He is sorting bills into piles.

Kris stands in front of a large pad of paper propped on an easel. It is a chart of some kind, with columns for “Gender,” “Weight,” “Length,” “Date,” and “Hour.” Down the side runs several employees’ names, starting with David, then Kris, Magillicuddy, O’Neill, and Jamie. Inez and Jergenson stand in front of David’s desk, waiting their turn.

David: All right, Inez, you’re up. Will it be Buster Browns or little pink Converse?

Kris enters Inez’ name in the left-hand column.

Inez: I’m guessing…it’s a girl. (Kris writes this down)…seven pounds, six ounces…eighteen inches…(Kris writing)…and I’m gonna say…July 19, at 4:00p.m. (Kris finishes)

David: O-K, then. (Inez hands over a crisp bill) Aaand, thanks for playing.

Jergenson steps up.

Jergenson: (rapid fire) Boy…eight pounds even…twenty and a half inches…July 24…1:00a.m. (Kris scrambles to get all this down; Jergenson hands David a twenty)

David: Put some thought into this, did you, Jergenson?

Bert enters the room, sees the chart, and stops short…as usual.

Bert: What’s going on?

David: Just a little friendly wager…

Bert: You’re making a book…on the outcome of my progeny?

The staff looks at each other…is Bert offended?

David: (placatingly) It’s not so much about outcome, Bert, but income—

Bert: And I want in! (reaches into pocket) I’ve got $40 that says the newest Viola will be six pounds, twelve ounces…twenty inches…and born on July 21 at 12 noon.

David takes the money; Kris writes.

Kris: You forgot sex, Bert.

David: How do you think he got into this predicament?

Appreciative chuckles from the quicker members of the staff. Bert is confused.

David: What flavor? (a beat) Boy or girl?

Bert: Oh…well…that wouldn’t be fair, you see, since we already know—

Jergenson: What?!

Jamie: Agnes told me you were gonna be “surprised”!

Bert: (a little downcast) Oh—we were surprised...I thought for sure it was a boy—

Bert stops, stricken…he has, unsurprisingly, said too much. Kris huffs and draws a line through the “Gender” column; David bangs a fist on the desk in frustration.

David: Jeez, Bert…now we have to do a whole new logarithm.

Bert: I—well, ah…(he searches desperately for a diversion)…Just think, Mr. Addison, soon we’ll be doing this for you and Ms. Hayes!

There is a collective gasp. Kris drops her pen.

Magillicuddy: (dumbfounded) Does this mean—are you—is Ms. Hayes—

David: (equally dumbfounded) You mean you didn’t know?

The Wobblies shake their heads. David looks at Bert, who shrugs his shoulders.

David: But…didn’t you notice? The throwing up, the food cravings, the branching-out of Ms. Hayes’ willowy figure…(at reaction from O’Neill)—Don’t tell her I said that!

Shaking heads again.

O’Neill: We’re not paid to notice things, Mr. Addison…unless they want us to notice. (He points offstage)

David exhales sharply, gets up from his desk, and comes to the edge of the soundstage.

David: Diane!

He turns back to the staff, who are looking on with rapt attention.

David: (motioning) About-face, kids—and no peeking!

They grumble a little, but comply.

David: (peering out into the glare) Can I get a writer in here?

The Director enters.

Director: Sorry, Dave, they’re not here.

David: Where is everybody?

Director: (checking clipboard) Diane and Lizzie are working hard on the finale. Connie’s done two episodes already, so she’s taking a well-earned vacation. And Jen...looks like she’s having a domestic crisis involving peanut butter and a CD player.

David shakes his head.

Director: What did you need?

David: Why don’t the employees know about Bunny?

Director: Well…because they haven’t written an announcement yet.

David: (irritated) You mean to tell me that, all the time I was riding around with Roy Rogers Redux last week, they couldn’t make a simple announcement?

Director: They thought you’d want to be there.

David: (nods) I did do a heck of a job telling the family. (lowers voice) But how’d you hide it? I mean, Maddie’s getting a little—(he mimes a pregnant belly with his hands) Did you go the traditional route? The ol’ mask-it-with-a-desk-or-a-briefcase routine? Billowy shirts? Weird camera angles?

Director: This is Virtual, remember? It’s not actually a visual medium.

David: Probably lucky—you’ve got a face for cyberspace if I’ve ever seen one... Look—they haven’t done it yet—fine. (With exaggerated patience) Do you think, maybe, you could get them to work it in this week? So I can stop having to smuggle in chili-cheesedogs in my trenchcoat?

Director: (Nastily) Maybe we’ll just rewrite last week—send you and Leonard back to the funny farm together.

David rolls his eyes and checks his watch.

David: Ding! That’s your fifteen minutes…can we move on?

Director: Hey, whatever you want—you’re the star…but it looks to me like the cat’s out of the bag already. (He points to Wobblies, who are whispering excitedly amongst themselves)

David: Trust Voluble Viola—

Director: (sighs) Why don’t you just do it now?

David: Now?

Director: Everybody’s here—Maddie’s just in her office…

David: But—in the preview? Give away two significant plot points?

Director: (thumbs through script) Let’s see...they’re not plot points…er…not right now, anyway. Besides, we’ve got plenty of other stuff going on in this episode—

David: Yeah, I’ll bet.

He walks to his office door and opens it.

David: Maddie! Can I see your gorgeous face in here a second?

Maddie opens her door, crosses the front office, and walks into David’s. She looks around, sees David with the eyeshade on, and rolls her eyes.

Maddie: What is it, David?

David wipes a bit of chili off the corner of her mouth and pulls her off to the side. The two have a quick whispered conference, and eventually, Maddie nods in acquiescence.

David: OK, cats and kittens! You’re back on.

The staff turns around.

David: Ms. Hayes and I have an—

Agnes: WAIT!

She bustles into David’s bathroom and drags out a large cardboard box. Quickly, she distributes party hats and noisemakers, then grabs two bottles of sparkling cider, which she hands to Bert.

David: Living up to that Girl Scout motto, Agnes?

Agnes takes her place in line, adjusting her hat.

Agnes: Oh, Mr. Addison, I’ve been waiting for this since Episode One!

David: Well, without further ado, then—

Maddie: David? I’d like to do this one.

David gives way to her with a flourish.

Maddie: Mr. Addison and I wanted you all to know…we’re expecting a baby of our own.

The Wobblies cheer and blow their noisemakers. Bert pops open the cider and starts pouring.

Bert: (exuberantly) May I offer a toast? To the Blue Moon babies!

David:  May they be born healthy, happy, and infinitely curious!

Maddie:  May they have their fathers' senses of humor....

Agnes:  And their mothers' hair!

Saluté, everybody! We hope you’ll join us on Sunday, July 10, for Virtual Moonlighting Season Nine, Episode Six!