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The Seven Year Switch
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Blue Moon outer office, early evening.
The last rays of the setting sun light the office. The elevator dings off page, and two voices are heard in the middle of a discussion disturbing the silence of the room. As the people move closer, Agnes and Bert's voices are recognizable; mainly by Bert's characteristic whine. Agnes unlocks the door and Bert marches in behind her, struggling to maintain his grip on several unfolded storage boxes.
Agnes: Thank you, Bert.
Agnes is dressed in sweats; her hair is tucked under a bandana. She is carrying an armload of cleaning supplies, bucket, rags, 409 etc. Bert drops the boxes and plops down on the nearest chair.
Bert: How long does this ritualistic cleaning go on? And where does it stop?
Agnes: You have been a big help. You don't have to stay.
Bert: (ignoring her) I mean it Agnes. It started on Saturday at 5AM with the closets, then proceeded through the rest of the house - into rooms that I never knew we had - then the garage and the two cars. How many trips to Goodwill have I made? Not to mention the dump and Home Depot for … whatever the heck it was I was getting.
Agnes: Closet Organizers. You have been a champ all weekend. Go take a break. This will only take me a couple of hours and then I'll be home.
Bert: So … you are not going to stop at some stranger's house and start again.
She gives him a filthy look.
Agnes: It is called spring-cleaning, Bert. Look - why don't you go out and pick us up some dinner. By the time you get back, I will be half done.
Bert: NO (he whines) I'll stay and we can get done in half the time. But you owe me for this.
Agnes: (smiling at him) Don't worry my big strong man - I'll take care of you.
Bert: You going dust, scrub, sort, and box me too?
Agnes: Well …. A bath might be in order - a long hot bubble bath …
Bert: (interested) With the Miss Ducky, Mr. Bubble and ….
Agnes: (nodding suggestively) And … the sooner we get done.
Bert is revitalized with the promise of --- well, something that most of us really don't want to envision.
Bert: OK … so where do we start?
Agnes: Do you want to clean or do you want to box?
Bert: Box … definitely box --- my hands have not recovered from the grout in the shower.
Agnes: OK … put a couple of those boxes together and then … go through the file cabinets … all of them … the ones here and the ones in Miss Hayes office.
Bert: What about Mr. Addison's office?
Agnes: Mr. Addison keeping case files in his file drawers? That's a joke - right?
Bert looks towards David's office door and thinks for a moment, then picks up one of the boxes and tries to fold it correctly.
Bert: Mmmm … nah … not case files … probably back issues of Playboy and Hustler. Don't those need to be boxed?
Agnes: Stay out of Mr. Addison's office.
Bert: Spoil Sport.
Bert is still struggling with the box.
Agnes: We need to box all the case files from the first 5 years.
Bert: How do I know? (under his breath) Fold flap A into D.
Bert flattens the box out again and is reading the diagram on the back trying to figure out which is Flap A and which is flap D.
Agnes: Any case file that was closed in 1985, 1986, 1987, 1988, or 1989.
Bert: I give up!
He throws the box on the floor. Agnes comes over and with Ninja like dexterity and speed, she folds the box and hands it to Bert.
Bert: Show off.
Agnes: Ok Here let me show you.
Agnes takes Bert over to the file cabinet. She pulls out the drawer and pulls out a file.
Agnes: VANDERHOSE - see right here in the upper left hand corner of the front of the file where it says CASE CLOSED and the date … 11/15/1991 … that does not get boxed.
Bert: But the case is closed.
Agnes: We keep all the files that we have worked on over the past 2 years … 1989-90 and 1990-91.
Bert: Is this by date or by season?
Agnes: Well … I guess by season is good. I mean we are not going to revisit anything from prime time so lets keep only the cases that were never closed or are from the virtual seasons.
Bert: That won't be too many.
Agnes: The sooner we get done …
Bert: Fine, Fine - Can we at least order Pizza or Chinese?
Agnes: How `bout Thai? Chao Krung? A little Prig King Pork and some …
Bert: or Panang Curry and Spicy Basil Noodle.
Agnes: I'll call.
Agnes goes over to her desk to call for the food and Bert starts pulling files from the drawer.
Bert: (to himself) Wylie … closed 10/1/1985. Mmmm … before my time.
He opens the file and starts to read. He is surprised by what he is reading.
Bert: Mysterious woman?… Black Veil… Hey, Agnes! Did Mr. Addison really put on a dress for this case?
Agnes: Bert … if you are going to read each case then we will never get done.
Bert: It was just a question … I thought I was the only one who had to dress in drag.
Agnes: That is why they hired you - in was in Mr. Addison's contract.
Bert: (Sarcastically) Nice to be needed. …. Everett …what the heck is Everett doing with the W's and V's … Do you want these alphabetized too Agnes?
Agnes: You mean they're not! I am gonna kill MacGillicuddy.
Bert: (reading) … Mmmm Mr. Addison was a suspect? What are these … bills from the classified department from every major newspaper. …. (mumbling) … "… all is well … come home … we love you." Well that was a premonition if I ever saw one.
Agnes: Bert! I don't want to stay here until midnight.
In the box the file goes. Bert pulls the next file out.
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Bert: Oh, I remember this one.
Agnes: Which one?
Bert: This one. (He holds up a file folder.) The Cinderella case that went sour… about the woman who was running from her mobster husband. Remember? The diamond earring? The big guy that looked like John Goodman? Cinderella kind of resembled Kay Lenz? You must remember that Ms. Hayes' car mysteriously got trashed in the parking garage. I think Cinderella's husband had something to do with that.
Agnes: Boy, these writers really like Cinderella stories.
Bert: Yeah, Mr. Addison and I worked this case. We really bonded during that time.
Agnes (to herself): Mr. Suck-Up Extraordinaire. (To Bert) Bonded?
Bert: Yep, that was a great case. Well… except for the fact that Cinderella got killed in a murder/suicide…oh, and that weird Claymation segment. I have a real sentimental attachment to this one.
Agnes: Why's that?
Bert: Because Mr. Addison really depended on me. It was during the time Ms. Hayes was in Chicago…you know…then.
Agnes: Oh…during the dark time. Well, let's definitely lose this one then.
She reaches to grab the file from his hands but he doesn't let go.
Bert: Wait a minute. This was my case. I don't want to get rid of this file.
Agnes: Bert, you can't keep it. You are such a pack rat. Besides, there's confidential information in here. If this ever got into the wrong hands…Let go, Bert.
They start a tug-o-war with the file. Both have very determined looks on their faces. As they pull back and forth, the file starts to come apart. Something falls out of the file.
Bert: What's this? I don't remember this.
He holds up a religious medal on a chain.
Agnes: I think that was misfiled. (She reads the inscription.) St. Cecilia, Pray for us.
Bert: It's a medal to St. Cecilia, the patron saint of music.
Agnes is examining the medal closely as he holds it up.
Agnes: How do you know that? It doesn't say what saint she is.
Bert: Agnes, I know my saints. For instance, St. Agnes is the patron saint of young girls and St. George is the patron saint of herpes sufferers.
She gives him a very dubious stare. He shrugs, embarrassed, and continues:
Bert: I won every game of Name that Saint at Francis Xavier Junior High.
Agnes: How nice for you. Now, hand it over.
She holds out her hand.
Bert: Where did this come from? I don't remember a case that involved a religious medal.
Agnes: It must have been before your time. Besides, what makes you think that you know everything about every case since you started here?
Bert: Well, maybe not everything. But I have been known to take a file or two home at night to provide light reading.
Agnes: Well, I've always known you were a voracious reader, Herbert, but you've taken files home at night?
Agnes: And here I was blaming MacGillicuddy. I bet you are the reason these files are such a mess, Herbert Viola. I have yet to meet any man that can put something back where he found it.
Bert: That's not fair. I put stuff back.
Agnes: Oh really? Your computer disks? Your coffee cup? Your underwear? The toilet seat?
Bert (sheepishly): But I always put the files back.
Agnes: Yeah, right.
Bert sits down on the floor and Agnes plops down next to him. They both look back at the medal.
Bert: I wonder where this came from?
Agnes: I don't remember.
Bert: That's kind of odd, don't you think?
Agnes: What is?
Bert: That you wouldn't remember what case this is from? Maybe it was another Cinderella case. Maybe it was a secret case…
Agnes: A secret case?
Bert: Yeah…one so delicate…so personal… maybe so humiliating even you weren't privy to it.
Agnes: Couldn't happen.
Bert: Couldn't happen?
Agnes: Couldn't happen. I know everything that goes on in this place. Even the humiliating stuff.
She leans into the crook of his arm and they gaze at the medal Bert is holding like a hypnotist's watch.
Bert: But what if…what if someone came into the office late at night…after you had gone home…you know, Mr. Addison stays late sometimes.
Agnes: So does Ms. Hayes…
Bert: Maybe it was one of their first cases together. Maybe this woman walked into the office late one night. She was very young and beautiful-
Agnes: Sure she was. They're always young and beautiful.
Bert: And she walked in to Mr. Addison's office…
Agnes: And Ms. Hayes happened to be in there talking to him…
Bert: And she didn't want to take the case and he did…
Agnes: Another no brainer…
Then Agnes starts to get into the act, as if the medal has hypnotized her too. She continues.
Agnes: But this woman was very troubled. Ms. Hayes' heart went out to her.
Bert: More likely Mr. Addison's hands…Shh, Agnes, I'm telling this story…
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The scene: David's office, after hours. He is sitting in his chair with his feet propped up on his desk. Maddie sits on the sofa across from him. They are having a quiet, but heated discussion.
Maddie: I'm just telling you, David. This place is bankrupting me. The overhead…I've already dipped into my cash reserves. My lawyer is ready to have me committed. I can't afford to stay in business much longer with no paying clients and all this money going out and nothing coming in.
David: It's coming.
Maddie (exasperated): When? This century, do you think? I may have to sell my car next.
David: The beemer? Not the beemer, Maddie. Sell the employees before you do that.
Maddie: Who'd buy them?
David: Well…sell me then.
Maddie: Excuse me? I repeat-Who'd buy you?
He takes his feet off the desk and leans forward in his chair.
David: Maddie, you have a moral obligation to keep this place up and running.
Maddie: Moral obligation, ha! To whom?
David: To the people that work here. (She gives him an astonished stare.) To the people who need our help. (She continues to stare.) To the people who watch the show!
Maddie: You are kidding yourself, Addison. Nobody but you cares if this place stays open.
David: Okay, well if I can't get to you on moral grounds, which by the way, suits me just fine, flip a coin.
David: If this place and the people who work here are so unimportant to you, just flip a coin. Heads you keep plugging away, tails you shut down the joint.
Maddie: I hardly think that is the way to decide this issue, David.
David: Okay, then here's the deal. If a great case doesn't walk through that door, a really great case with a paying client, say in the next week. You can fire me and that will decrease your overhead.
Maddie: By a rather large head, I might add.
David: I'm not even touching that one, Blondie. Come on, Maddie. Maddie, Maddie, Maddie. I can feel it in my bones. A great case is right around the corner.
They both fall silent, looking at each other doubtfully. Presently, there is a tentative knock at David's partially open door. A tall brunette stands in the doorway, backlit by the light from the hallway. Her face is in shadow.
Woman (in a Southern drawl): Excuse me. I know it's after office hours but I saw your light on and the outside door was open. And I need a detective to find my brother.
Maddie: David, you have to talk to Agnes about that.
David holds up his hand to Maddie.
David: Shh. I had her do that on purpose. Just in case a case walked in. How may we help you, Miss…?
David motions the woman inside. As she comes through the door, we see her beautiful face, illuminated by large deep blue eyes. He gets up from his desk and gestures solicitously for her to have a seat on the sofa next to Maddie.
Woman: Rhodes, Mary Jo Rhodes.
David: Please have a seat, Miss Rhodes. I'm David Addison and this is my partner, Madolyn Hayes.
Maddie (under her breath): Partner?
Mary Jo: Thank you. I don't know if y'all can help me.
David (sincerely): It's what we're here for. To help people.
Maddie (under her breath): Oh brother.
David: So…you're looking for your brother? Not your husband or boyfriend…
Mary Jo: He was accused of a terrible crime back in Arkansas, where we grew up.
Maddie: He's a fugitive?
Mary Jo: Not any more. The crime has been solved. He's been…umm
She struggles to find the word she's looking for.
Mary Jo: Yes, exonerated. The police found out for sure someone else did it.
Maddie grabs a legal pad off David's desk and starts writing on it.
Maddie: What was this crime, Miss Rhodes?
Mary Jo: Robbery and murder. Of a very important person in our hometown. The man who owned the bank. My brother was kinda wild. He'd been in some trouble with the law. When this happened, the police, the town, hell, my own family thought he did it. He ran away and we never saw hide nor hair of him since then. But about six months ago, a woman came forward with evidence against someone else. She said she had been scared to talk before. Scared that this guy would come after her. But after this guy drank himself to death, she decided to tell the truth.
Maddie: What kind of evidence-
David: Any idea where your brother might be?
Maddie gives him an angry look for interrupting her.
Mary Jo: Well, I have this address here where we heard he might be (she holds out a piece of paper). It's in a place called Big Bear. Ever heard of it?
David: Yeah, it's about two hours from here. Great skiing.
Maddie glares at him for interrupting her again.
Maddie: Well, if you know where he is why don't you just go there yourself? Why do you need us?
Mary Jo: My family disowned him when this all happened. There was a horrible fight. Even I didn't believe him. So if I showed up, I don't think he'd trust me. He'd probably take off running again as soon as he saw my face. But if two detectives came along and showed him this- (she holds up a medal on a chain)- he'd know we were sincere and wanted him home.
David: What makes you think he'd stick around if we showed up?
Mary Jo: Maybe you could come up with a story to get your foot in the door. He's an artist. Maybe you could say you like his work and want to talk to him about it. Once you're inside you could tell him the truth.
Maddie: What town in Arkansas did you say you were from?
Mary Jo: I don't think I did, ma'am.
Maddie looks at her expectantly.
Mary Jo: I'm from a little town called Cooter.
Maddie writes this down on her legal pad.
Maddie: I've never heard of Cooter, Arkansas.
Mary Jo: Nobody has. It ain't much more than a wide spot in the road.
Maddie: Well, Miss Rhodes, if we take this case, it will entail some travel time and expenses.
Mary Jo: Oh, I have money. (She digs through her huge purse.) My daddy wrote out a cashier's check for $10,000. How long before you can tell me if you'll take my case?
Maddie: Are you in a hurry for some reason?
Mary Jo: My mama's real sick. It would break her heart not to get to see Bobby again so she can tell him she's sorry. And I couldn't stand for my mama to die of a broken heart.
Tears glisten in her blue eyes.
David: A woman with morals and beauty. Haven't met many of them lately.
Maddie: Mr. Addison, may I speak to you privately for a moment please?
David: Of course, Ms. Hayes.
They walk outside David's office, close the door and proceed to argue predictably.
Maddie: Shouldn't we check out her story before we agree to this little road trip?
David: You heard her. We need to move fast or her mama may die of a broken heart.
Maddie: Oh please. Sounds like a bunch of melodramatic malarkey to me.
David: Well, I don't care if it's maladjusted meatballs. The check is real enough.
Maddie: Oh really. What happened to morality and helping people?
David: Maddie, I'm too much of a malcontent to much care about morality. Meantime I'm motivated by-
David: I'm just a mook who wants to keep his job, and perhaps prevent a matricide.
He smiles at her smugly.
Maddie: You're a moron, Addison; with a capital M…
She walks back into the office to let Mary Jo know they are taking her case.
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The scene: The following morning, getting ready to leave for Big Bear, Maddie is waiting for David in her office and putting papers into her briefcase. There is a knock at her office door.
Mary Jo: Ms. Hayes?
Maddie: Yes, Mary Jo.
Mary Jo: I just wanted to tell you how glad I am that you took my case. So many people I talked to, well, it seems like they just didn't believe me, you know? It really means a lot to me that you decided so quickly to help me out. I talked to my mama this morning, and she wanted me to let you know she's grateful too. She says she'll keep you in her prayers, and she's got God's ear more than anyone else I know.
Maddie: Well, thank you. And thank your mama.
Mary Jo: There's just one thing I need to tell you in…in…
She's searching for the right word.
Mary Jo: Yes! Why if you just ain't the smartest woman I've ever met.
Maddie: Well, have a seat.
Mary Jo walks over to a chair lugging her large heavy purse.
Maddie: What did you need to tell me in confidence, Mary Jo?
Mary Jo: Well, last night, when I walked in here…all I saw was Mr. Addison. I didn't see you at first. Otherwise, I never would have felt the need to lie.
Maddie stops fussing with her briefcase and looks Mary Jo in the eye.
Maddie: You lied to us? About what?
Mary Jo: Not about everything. Just one thing.
Maddie: And that is…
Mary Jo: Bobby Clyde isn't my brother. He's my boyfriend.
Maddie: I see. Why did you feel compelled to lie about that?
Mary Jo: Well, when I saw Mr. Addison first, and I saw how he was looking at me, I just decided that he would look harder for my brother than for my boyfriend.
Maddie: You're very perceptive, Mary Jo. You sure you don't know him?
Mary Jo: No ma'am. But I've met plenty like him in my day.
Maddie: Well, I'm glad you told me the truth.
Mary Jo: Please don't tell Mr. Addison.
Maddie: But I have to tell him.
Mary Jo: Can you please at least wait until we find Bobby Clyde?
Mary Jo: Can I please come with you?
Maddie: I thought you said that would be counterproductive. (She receives a blank stare.) I mean I thought you said he'd run away if he saw you.
Mary Jo: I just can't wait to see him, that's all. Haven't you ever been so in love with a man that your insides ache just thinkin' about him?
Maddie says nothing. She purses her lips, takes a deep breath and sighs it out.
Maddie: Okay. You can come. But you'll have to hide out in the car until we can talk to him.
Mary Jo: Thank you, Ms. Hayes. I just appreciate this more than you know.
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The scene: Maddie's car. David is driving, Mary Jo is in the passenger seat and Maddie is in back attempting to read a map while David moves along a winding mountain road. As she lowers the map she brings her hand up to her mouth and rolls her eyes. She's obviously carsick.
Maddie: There's a gas station David. Pull over. I'm asking for directions.
David: You don't need to ask for directions Maddie. We'll find it. We're close.
Maddie: And how do you know that? We've been driving around in circles for hours David. I'm going to throw up if we don't stop soon.
David: Just keep your head out the window, will ya? I don't want you to wreck the upholstery.
Maddie: What am I, a dog?
David: Hell no! Do you think I'd waste all this time and effort on an ugo?
Maddie: Stop now, David.
Maddie: Pull over!
After he stops the car, Maddie gets out of the back seat of the BMW, slams the door and storms off, dragging the unfolded map.
David: Yeah, I know, it makes me mad too. You can never get those things folded the right way again.
He smiles over at Mary Jo in the passenger seat next to him. He takes her hand in his and says earnestly:
David: Mary Jo, I know you can't wait to see your brother and all, but I really think it would be better if you stayed here while we talked to him.
Mary Jo: But-
David: Just in case, well… you're such a sensitive girl. What if your brother has a lot of hard feelings about all this? I'd hate to see you get your feelings hurt. I think Maddie would agree that it would be better for everyone if you stay here then we'll bring him to you.
Mary Jo: Mr. Addison?
David: Come on. Call me David.
Mary Jo: I have to tell you something in confidence, David.
David: Tell away.
Mary Jo: I'm embarrassed to say it.
David: You don't have to be embarrassed about anything you have to tell me. We have a relationship like a priest and a sinner. Although I'm not sure who would be who in that scenario…
Mary Jo: You're so funny, David. I guess that's why I like you so much.
David (smiling): Good, I like you too.
Mary Jo: No, you don't understand. I like you like you. I just want to be near you. You just have a way with people and I'm sure Bobby will like you too as soon as he meets you.
David: Well, as long as he doesn't like me like me.
Mary Jo: Please can I come with you? I really think you'll win Bobby over right away and I just really want to see…umm…you know-
David: The master at work.
Mary Jo: Yeah!
David (modestly): Well, okay.
Mary Jo giggles and kisses him delightedly. Maddie climbs back into the car, unaware of the conversation that's transpired in the front seat. David is grinning ear to ear and Mary Jo is facing forward in her seat.
Maddie: Well, we missed the turn about half a mile back. The gas station attendant said the road is pretty bad. He suggested we park the car at the bottom and walk about a mile up to the house. (She looks back and forth between the two of them.) What?
David/Mary Jo: Nothing!
David: It's not even winter. How bad could the road be?
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The scene: David is standing in back of Maddie's car, attempting to get the back end out of a large mud puddle. He pushes against the trunk.
David: Okay, Maddie just give it a little gas. Not too much…
The back tires start spinning, spewing thick mud onto his face and clothes.
David: Hold it!
He walks slowly up to the driver's side window, dripping mud.
Maddie: Did I give it too much gas?
David (wiping mud out of his eye sockets): Just a little. Move over.
Maddie: Oh no. You're not getting into my car covered in mud.
David: Oh, but if you want to heave in it, that's okay. Listen, Babe, I'm covered in mud because you gunned the engine-on purpose.
Maddie: I did not!
David: Did too!
Maddie: Did not!
Mary Jo (yelling impatiently): Hey! The car is stuck. Let's walk. I think I can see Bobby's house up yonder. Maybe he can help get us unstuck after we talk to him.
The women get out of the car as David is attempting to clean himself off, but only succeeding in smearing the gunk around even more. They walk up to a small log cabin back in the pines with a woodpile in front, an axe stuck into a large log used for splitting timbers. A curl of smoke is coming out of the chimney, but no one is in sight.
Maddie: Well, it looks like someone is home.
David starts whistling the theme to the Beverly Hillbillies. They approach the front door and knock. Maddie motions for Mary Jo to stand away from the house so she won't be seen. A handsome but tough looking man in his twenties opens the door. He's dressed in black jeans and a white T-shirt and his blond hair is pulled back in a ponytail. He looks at them cautiously then looks David up and down and chuckles.
Man: You folks stuck?
Mary Jo: Bobby!
She runs into his arms and he picks her up and they kiss excitedly.
David: Wow. Is that the way you greet your brother?
Maddie: I don't have a brother, David. Neither does Mary Jo…
David: Maybe they're a little more friendly in Arkansas than in the Windy City.
Maddie: Much more friendly, indeed.
David: What do you mean, "neither does Mary Jo"?
Maddie: He's not-
She stops abruptly as they both look down to see the barrel of a gun pointing at them.
David: Now that's not very friendly.
Maddie: David, that's a gun. Why is it until I met you I'd never had a gun in my face? Now it seems to happen every other day.
David: Just lucky? You know, I never had a gun in my face until I met you either. Must be all those damn cases you keep finding for us.
Maddie (hands on hips): Me? You're blaming this on me? I didn't want to take this case from the beginning. This is all your fault David Addison and you know it.
Bobby Clyde: Did you bring the money, honey?
Mary Jo: I sure did. All 200 grand, in cash. And the passports. No thanks to these two idiots.
Maddie: I beg your pardon.
Mary Jo: You should have seen them. I've known preschoolers more mature than they are. How did you find these people anyway?
Bobby Clyde: An old friend. Said they weren't smart or experienced enough to ask all the right questions. Said they'd just want to help a damsel in distress.
Maddie glares daggers at David.
David: Funny, she don't look half as distressed as she did a minute ago.
Maddie: Do tell.
Mary Jo: Well, I'm just glad that ride's over. That was just about the longest, most excruciating two hours of my life, listening to all their ridiculous arguments, his crude double entendres and pathetic attempts to make her jealous. And her…she's so cool and above it all, but underneath it's painfully obvious she's got a bad case of him. Why don't you two get it over with and just sleep together?
David: Can't yet. The sexual tension is what keeps the ratings high.
Maddie: What do you mean, "yet"? Try never, David.
Mary Jo (throws her arms into the air): See what I mean?
David (whispers in Maddie's ear): You know, I thought she was a nice girl. I think I've changed my mind.
Maddie: Great, does the new one work any better than the old one?
David: What happened to the accent Ellie May?
Maddie: Not to mention the stupid act.
Mary Jo: A convenient affectation that I figured would get me what I wanted.
David: Why did you need us to bring you here? And who was this old friend?
Bobby Clyde: Michael Wrye. Remember him? He sure remembered you when I told him I was looking for two patsies to bring Mary Jo to me.
Maddie: Are you a hit man too?
David: What are you guys, like the Rotary? You have breakfast meetings where you discuss patsies and who's on the schedule to be offed that week? Well, I've been involved with some pretty nefarious people over the years…
He looks over at Maddie.
David: Yes, Maddie. I remember what it means.
Bobby: Would you two please shut up and get down on the floor?
David: Sure, we can do that. Anything you say.
Maddie: You're so accommodating. Why don't you ever try to save us?
David: Why don't you? You've got a great left hook. Come on, Ms. Hayes, Jane Fonda's rootin' for you.
Maddie: You are the most infuriating, the most childish-
David: The man has a gun. I don't think now would be a good time to argue with him.
Bobby Clyde coaxes them onto the floor as David continues:
David: So I guess the check was as fake as the accent and the dumb brunette act.
Bobby Clyde and Mary Jo look at each other and shake their heads, indicating he's dumb as a stump for even asking.
Maddie (whispers in David's ear): I hope you know you're fired.
David: Yeah, I just hope I'm around to collect unemployment, which is looking preferable to working for a cold bitch like Madolyn Hayes any day.
Maddie: Why you contemptible son of a-
Outside, there's a blast from a bullhorn:
Bobby Clyde Rhodes. This is the FBI. Come out with your hands up.
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The scene: Maddie and David walking slowly back down the country road toward the car. He's covered in dried mud and both look a little worse for wear.
David: So we didn't get paid for the case but maybe there's a reward for finding that guy.
Maddie: There you go again, David, thinking about money. You should be happy we're alive. If he hadn't surrendered we could be in the middle of a hostage situation right now. I know all I can think about is how lucky we were that the FBI was following Mary Jo. If they hadn't been, we could be laying in a ditch somewhere…dead.
David: Yeah, I guess. And what a waste of great bone structure and acting talent that would have been.
Maddie: Not to mention all the women who would have thrown themselves into your open grave. Hey Valentino, you still have muck all over you. Here, let me.
She moves in very close, produces a handkerchief out of her pocket, spits on it and begins dabbing at his face. She's concentrating on her task and doesn't see the way he looks at her.
David: So since you're drooling all over me, does that mean we're going steady?
Maddie: I'm just cleaning you up as much as is humanly possible. Don't get carried away.
David (grinning): Do you really think I'm childish? I'm not childish. I'm just fun loving.
Maddie: Oh yeah? How much fun have you been having lately?
David: I'm having fun right now.
He takes her hand and brings it to his lips. Maddie begins to respond then pulls her hand away from him.
Maddie: I forgot. I'm a cold bitch.
David: You're not cold, okay?
Maddie: Oh, but I'm still a bitch. I can't believe you said that in front of them.
David: I didn't know it was a secret. Come on, Maddie, I was mad when I said that.
Maddie: What are you now?
She frowns as she looks him up and down.
David: Maddie, let's get out of here. Those FBI guys towed the car out for us. Let's go somewhere quiet…
Maddie (petulantly): What for?
David: I think you know what for.
Maddie: Really? I seem to recall that I fired you a little while ago. So why would I want to go anywhere with you now?
David: I'm still fired? After I saved your life back there?
Maddie: Ha! After you what?
David: Saved you. Me.
Maddie: You did nothing of the kind. In fact you almost got us killed. Again, I might add.
David: What are you talking about? If I hadn't been asking all those questions as a stall tactic, we would have been dead long before the FBI got there.
Maddie: And we wouldn't have been there at all if you had let me check out her story. But in typical David Addison fashion, you were thinking with your groin. (She sets out down the road again.) Honestly, anyone who thinks the way to a man's heart is through his stomach is aiming too high.
David: Maddie! Hey wait a minute.
Maddie: Why should I? I've had it David. Unless you can give me a good simple reason why I should keep the agency open and keep you in my life-
He catches up to her and turns her around. He looks her in the eye.
David: I'll tell you why. Because we're both nuts. Because we're masochists. Because we can't live without all this…this…
He waves his arms in the air, searching for the right word.
Maddie (quietly): Volatility?
David: Yeah, the volatility. Because we need all this endless…
David: That too. Because we can't live without…
She presses her body into his.
Maddie: Each other?
She wraps her arms around his neck and they kiss deeply.
Maddie (breathlessly): So now that we've used up your entire vocabulary, what now…Bert…Bert?
He grabs her by the back of her neck and brings her to him roughly. They fall to the ground, rolling in the dirt, writhing with burning desire-
Agnes: Herbert! You're getting carried away!
We see Bert and Agnes back in the office, only now Bert is straddling Agnes' lap. She slaps his face. He crawls off her as he slowly comes out of his daydream.
Bert: Oh, sorry. I guess I got a little over zealous.
Agnes: I'll say. You were starting to sound like a romance novel.
I just remembered where that medal came from. MacGillicuddy's sister sent it to him when he was taking violin lessons. I guess he lost it in the files somehow.
Bert (gritting his teeth): MacGillicuddy…
Agnes: Okay, you've had your fun time. Let's get back to work…
Bert: Is the food here yet? I am starving.
Agnes: Making up stories is hard work. I'll go check.
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Agnes leaves the office to meet the Thai Food Delivery guy on the main floor. Bert was following his instructions and pulling files out of the file cabinet and sorting them. If truth were told he was bored stiff and had been all day. Sometimes Agnes could be more … Martha Stewart … than he could handle.
Mumbling to himself, "Benmark, Case Closed 4/7/85. Box it! Mmm … April 7th, 1985 …that was … exactly 6 years ago today … well 7 seasons ago. It must have been one of their very first cases - or that last case that first season." He smirks to himself. "Midseason replacement - HA. Just look as us now. We don't even have a time slot and yet we're still going strong."
He continues to talk to himself and opens the folder.
Bert: Don't remember seeing this one on Bravo.
Bert starts to read the case notes.
Client: Hamilton Benmark.
Request: Locate missing CEO - Claude Ellismore.
Description: Male, Caucasian, Age 55 - 62, 5' 11", Brown, Brown, 165 - 185 lbs
Bert: I can see why this one is still in the can. Where is the drama? Where is the chase? The sexual innuendo? Bawdy repartee? Double Entendre? Guess they all couldn't have been home runs.
Case Notes: 4/2/1985 - 11:30AM - Hamilton Benmark, CFO of Ellismore, Inc.
… He loses himself in the case.
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Dissolve to Blue Moon Outer office - Tuesday, Morning, near 11:30AM, April 2, 1985
Maddie's raised voice can be heard but not understood coming from behind the closed doors of her office. The doors start to open and are slammed shut quickly. David's voice can barely be heard but he is clearly stating and re-stating his case. The staff watch the doors like they are watching an egg hatch. Bets are being placed on who will emerge first and if this will be the day that Miss Hayes will close the office for good. The odds are 8 to 1 that today will be the day. The staff has faith in David to keep her entertained for at least one more day. Of course the odds are 425 to 1 that he will actually get to ENTERTAIN her today.
The doors finally open and Maddie emerges. Dollars change hands across desks.
Maddie is dressed in spike black heels with laces going up to mid-calf, a tight low cut black leather skirt with a slit up the thigh that leaves little to the imagination. Her white sheer crop-top barely covers her cherry red push up bra. With so much to push up! Every hump, bump, curve and cleavage are out there for GOD and every one to appreciate. Her hair is long and straight and drapes across against her swelling bosom as she tosses her head to speak.
Maddie: ADDISON! You come at me with ECAC one more time and I can't be held responsible!
David enters from her office. He is dressed in black boots, tight black jeans, a black v-neck muscle shirt (so tight it must have been painted on), a leather motorcycle jacket, hair slicked back (more than plenty to be slicked), Ray Bans and his signature grin.
The Ray Bans are whipped off and tucked into the tufts of manly chest hair protruding from the V of his V-neck.
David: I got plenty of other things to come at you with, Blondie.
Maddie tosses her long silky blonde hair over her shoulders and arches her back, arms akimbo - she is putting "all of herself" out there.
Maddie: In your wildest dreams, Addison.
David takes every inch of her in with his eyes and seductively licks his lips.
Maddie: More wet than wild, sweet cheeks.
David scoops his arm around her waist and pulls her to him roughly and inhales deeply of the perfume at her throat (actually it was lower than her throat). Maddie swoons - slightly as do the rest of the women in the office.
David: I love the smell of OBSESSION in the mid-morning.
Maddie: That isn't OBSESSION you're smelling. (She laughs) You are WAY out of your league.
She pulls as far away from him as he will let her and stares directly into his eyes. She is trying to get him to back down. He doesn't.
David: Out of my league? I'd hit it out of the park on the first pitch.
Maddie: Ha - you'd need a bigger bat.
David: It ain't the size of the bat, sweetheart. It's the skill of the batter.
Maddie: So says every T-Ball player.
David: I'll bet you have known quite a few.
Maddie: But none of them needed a designated runner to go the distance.
David: Don't you worry your pretty gray roots, Goldilocks. I got your bases coved.
Maddie: We'll never know --- you'll never get a chance to dress for the game.
David: Or UN-dress?
Maddie puts her hand on his chest to push him away. He wraps his other arm around her and prevents her from moving. Their eyes are locked and slowly they edge toward each other. They are so close they are breathing each other's breath. The heat between them is burning. Their hearts are pounding in sync. Closer their bodies come together. The staff is glued to the scene without shame. Closer and closer … their lips are just barely touching. The staff's breathing stops. A millimeter is dividing them … a hair's breadth until ---
Agnes: Bert! What are you doing?!
Agnes's voice cuts through Bert's fantasy. He has to shake himself off to remember where he is. The smell of the curry brings him back to reality quickly.
Agnes: Stop it. That is Miss Hayes and Mr. Addison you were … - I don't even want to know what you were doing with them.
Bert: What? I was -- .
Agnes: Miss Hayes has never worn spike heels and a leather skirt in her life. If you are going to produce these cases in your head … stay in character.
Bert: You told me that there was chemistry between them from the very first time they met.
Agnes: Chemistry is one thing … a scene from MADDIE DOES DAVID is quite another.
Bert: More like HOT PRIVATE DICKS … Just trying to liven up an other wise dull ---
Agnes: Don't. … What DULL case? Since when have Blue Moon's cases been dull?
Bert: The Benmark case? A missing CEO?
Agnes: Oh .. yeah … that one.
Bert: No murdered. No adultery. Nothing.
Agnes: I was a pretty interesting case. Pretty interesting.
Bert: Let's eat. I'm starving.
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Cut to Agnes and Burt on the floor surrounded by boxes and files and Thai food containers. Agnes is finishing up her Satay.
Bert: So -- the Benmark case?
Agnes: Well it was a Tuesday, April 2nd. It was about a week after that Hirsch fiasco. Miss Hayes was in her office ….
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Dissolve to Maddie's office … blah, blah, blah.
Maddie is sitting at her desk. She is dressed in a high collar pink shirt with lace trim. She has an over sized smock coat on over a long skirt.
Bert: (off page) Agnes - thought we were supposed to stay in character.
Agnes: (off page) Fine.
Maddie is sitting at her desk (you figure out what she is wearing). She is adding and re-adding numbers on the calculator. They are not adding up the way she wants them to. David bursts into the office.
David: Got a great idea!
Maddie: If it isn't going to bring in any money - STOW IT!
David: You got to spend money to make money, Maddie.
Maddie: If that were true … we'd be rolling in it. What the heck is this for?
She shows him a receipt.
David: Employee morale.
Maddie: A massage at Burke Williams for David Addison? Employee Morale?
David: I'm an employee. I need to keep my morale up.
Maddie: Your paycheck should keep it up, Addison.
David is just about to open his mouth when there is a knock on the door.
David: Censors all over the Internet are thanking their lucky stars right now.
Maddie: (ignoring him) Yes?
Agnes pokes her head in the door.
Agnes: There is someone here to see you.
Maddie: See who?
Agnes: You … two.
Maddie: We two?
Agnes: The two of you.
David: Whoa, Whoa, Whoa - I am not going through another Dr. Seuss inspired scene. The last one nearly sprained my tongue.
Maddie: I should be so lucky.
David: (grumbling to himself) … mole on his nose … what kind of clothes do you suppose…
Maddie: (To Agnes) Send whoever it is in, Agnes --
David: Unless he has got a red and white top hat and a tail.
Maddie: (scolding) David.
David: Speaking of tails.. do you still have the waitress costume from last week? Could give that another airing.
Maddie: You'd need to shave your legs.
David: And that Cherry Red br…
Bert jumps in enthusiastically.
Bert: You see, I knew that little flash of color would appeal to Mr. Addison. Two great minds - thinking alike - sharing a single thought.
Agnes stops, planting her hands on her hips.
Agnes: That is it! There is no possibility of this case coming anywhere near the tawdry little fantasy you have concocted in your head. Just put it into the box and let's move on!
Bert: Agnes, come on!
Agnes: Come on nothing! Take your locker room mentality, and shove it, bub. I'm not going to spend the rest of my day getting hot and bothered about absolutely nothing.
She pauses a moment, and looks skyward.
Agnes: Speaking of hot and bothered, has anybody else noticed that there seem to be NO commercials in this episode? Think we could take five?
Voice off page: OK everybody, short break so we can all cool down.
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Scene: Blue Moon Detective Agency Set
Bert and Agnes are standing, backs to the camera.
Bert: Cutting that case…….think this episode will be long enough? Or are they gonna need to
come up with an epilogue?
Agnes: Diane's next ….don't sweat it.
Bert: That's right…….she could never stick to ten pages. Not a chance in hell!
Voice off camera: OK folks, we're back!
Agnes turns, looks at the camera, and elbows Bert.
Agnes: Ssssh…….we're on!
Bert, in character, looks over at the piles of folders.
Bert: Are you sure these things aren't multiplying ?
Agnes: Bert, stop whining. We're almost done. Hand me that stack, will
She indicates a pile of bright red folders.
Bert: So how come these files are red?
Agnes: Fifth season - danger, enter at your own risk.
They exchange glances.
Bert: Oh yeah. You know it's funny. There's a lot about that season I don't remember.
Agnes: You were probably out auditioning.
He reaches into the middle of the stack.
Bert: Benjamin and Breyer - why don't I remember this?
Agnes: Was it when you were babysitting that stupid grapefruit?
Bert: No, that was season four. How can you forget such a momentous occasion as when we
moved in together?
Agnes (yawning): Yes, how could I? Anyway, this'll jog your memory…..it all started the day
after the Robin Fuller/Neil Fass case.
Bert: OOOO - K….when Miss Hayes made Mr. Addison a partner.
Agnes: Almost the shortest partnership on record. I remember that morning very well.
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Scene: Blue Moon Detective Agency
January 18, 1989
Maddie enters through the front door. The office appears empty, but as Maddie stands at the front desk, sorting message slips, Agnes emerges from Maddie's office, carrying a watering can. Agnes chirps her typical morning greeting.
Agnes: Good morning, Miss Hayes.
Maddie: (absentmindedly) Good morning, Miss DiPesto.
Agnes just stands there with a grin on her face. She stares expectantly at Maddie, who finally realizes that she is being scrutinized.
Maddie: What is it, Miss DiPesto?
Agnes: Big day yesterday, huh?
Maddie: Big day?
Agnes waves a newspaper excitedly in the air.
Maddie curiously takes it from Agnes's hands, and sees herself and David staring back at her from the front page of the business section. A small moan escapes her lips. David…..it had to be! Agnes meanwhile is almost beside herself with excitement.
Agnes: So, you made Mr. Addison a partner? That's great, great, Miss Hayes! Was he surprised? Did you plan it? Boy, I was surprised - I didn't think we were ever going to survive that Neil Fass case. I said to Herbert…Bert, this case could be a big problem for the whole agency. Thank goodness, I was wrong. So, what made you decide to do it?
Agnes finally realizes that she has been chattering for quite a while without a response. Although this was not an event of great rarity in Agnes's life, she seems to sense that it is time to take a breath.
Maddie, meanwhile, has been carefully reading the article that accompanies the picture.
She realizes that Agnes is watching closely for her reaction.
Maddie: Nice picture. I didn't expect to be the big headline on the business page though. Guess it was a slow news day. Where are all the corporate pirates and embezzlers when you need them?
Agnes chatters on, oblivious to Maddie's lack of enthusiasm.
Agnes: OK with you if I put together a little party for this afternoon? Just a little cake and balloons, party hats and maybe a limbo or two for old time's sake?
Maddie is again staring at the paper.
Agnes: Miss Hayes?
Agnes's voice jerks Maddie back into the present.
Maddie: Sure Agnes, anything you'd like. Take whatever you need out of petty cash……
She starts to wander towards her office.
Agnes: Miss Hayes?
Maddie turns back.
Agnes: Miss Hayes, are you OK?
Maddie looks up into the heavens and sighs.
Maddie: Agnes….do you ever feel like you've done the right thing for the wrong reason? Or the wrong thing for the right reason? Or…..oh, I don't know, I just hope I didn't make a terrible mistake.
She musters a small smile.
Maddie: Oh, forget about it. I'm sure everything will be fine.
Maddie exits to her office. Time passes - employees enter, cluster around Agnes's desk reading the newspaper article.
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At precisely 9:00, the front door flies open to reveal David Addison, looking like Central Casting's dream of an executive - Armani suit, styled hair, briefcase.
David: Good morning, ladies and gents. Somebody order a partner here? Anybody see the Tribune today?
The staff nods yes.
David: And whose profile is decorating the front page of the business section? That's me - David Addison - the class of 1972's "Most Likely to Be Hauling Nuclear Waste". Do me a favor, Bert, buddy. Can you go pick up six hundred thirty copies of the paper and mail them out to my fellow graduates? That'll show `em….a shot of my mug that isn't a mug shot. They'll be amazed.
Bert: Well, sure, Mr. Addison, but…..
David is overwhelmed with his good fortune. He moves from desk to desk, accepting handshakes, hugs, and congratulations.
He wheels around, grabs Agnes, and twirls her around the room.
David: OK, so where's the cake? I hope it's big, fresh, and covered with whipped cream……the way I like my women.
Agnes: Well, Mr. Addison, we'll be surprising you a little later this afternoon. We thought…….well, it's just that - somebody seems a little strange this morning.
She nods her head towards Maddie's door.
David: How could you tell?
Agnes: The usual signs…..preoccupied, muttering to herself, speaking in half sentences….
David: I wonder what's up. Jeez, it seemed like it was going to be a better than OK day. Got here on time, shined my shoes - not even one little kamikaze to celebrate last night. I should have read the script more carefully.
He does a 360 - from seemingly dejected to high as a kite, in an instant.
David: Well, just give me five minutes and I'll have her eating out of the palm of my hand.
Agnes: (Skeptically) Either that or you'll draw back a bloody stump.
David: Nah…..If I'm not out in thirty minutes, just tiptoe quietly out of here. We won't even notice you're gone.
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He proceeds to enter Maddie's office.
David: Good morning, boss.
Maddie is silent, staring into space.
David: Hey Goldilocks, this is where you are supposed to say "Good morning, boss" back.
Maddie responds automatically.
Maddie: Good morning, boss….back.
David is determined to cheer her up.
David: Hey, wanna hear the skinny? Fifty percent of the employees are betting that you've lost it completely - making me your partner.
Maddie: And the other half?
David: Well, the other half is convinced that you've succumbed to my fatal charm, and my masculine…….well, shall we say -
Maddie: Or shall we not?
David walks around behind her.
David: So, what is it today, princess? Somebody shove a pea under your mattress? Let's see what ol' Dave's magic fingers can do.
He walks around behind her, and slowly begins to massage her shoulders, all the while continuing his monologue in a low soothing tone.
David: That's my girl……………wow, your knots have knots.
He continues to knead her shoulders. Maddie releases a small sigh, and closes her eyes, leaning back into David.
David leans forward and begins to nuzzle her neck, rediscovering familiar territory.
David: Yes ma'am, now this is more like it. Partnership, just the way I remember it…
Maddie's eyes fly open and as she takes in his words, we can see she is struggling with herself…..she starts to speak, then seems to reconsider. When she finally does speak, it is not what we would expect.
Maddie: (softly) David?
Maddie: What are we doing here?
David: Maddie, I know I've told you this before…if you've gotta ask, I mustn't be doing it right.
Maddie smiles a Mona Lisa smile.
Maddie: No, you're definitely doing that right.
She turns her head, and finds her lips inches away from David's. They stand frozen in time for a moment, and we can almost see the multitude of conflicting emotions that each is going through. Breaking the tension, David reaches over and brushes a strand of hair away from Maddie's face. He has decided not to push his luck….too much!
David: So what's the buzz?
Maddie is silent.
David: Am I supposed to guess? Could it be something about the newspaper article?
Maddie: Some publicity…..must be something with you and female reporters.
David proudly brushes his fingers on his chest.
David: Shucks ma'am, it was nothing. In fact, I think I might make a pretty snappy press liaison…just think of the new clients we might attract.
Maddie: Attract being the operative word. No thanks. I'm pretty sure I don't want our reception area to look like the Playboy mansion.
David: Spoilsport! I know for a fact that it would improve O'Neill and Jergenson's productivity!
Maddie: Or reproductivity!
Maddie laughs, in spite of herself. David reaches over and takes her hand.
David: I like this…just like the good old days. Well, maybe it's not quite like the good old days, but it's a start.
The red flag is raised…….Maddie slowly pulls her hand out of David's.
Maddie: What kind of a start do you mean, David?
David: Towards getting back to where we used to be, where we should be….rewind back to "I Am Curious" - everything since then has been such a mess!
Maddie stares at him for a moment, then goes on, walking confidently into the fire.
Maddie: David, I don't want to go back there.
David: You're kidding, right? Those were our best moments.
Maddie: Do you remember it that way, really?
David: Sure, it was easy, and we loved each other.
Maddie: You can't possibly use those two phrases in the same sentence. Sure, we loved each other….but neither one of us would admit it……God, David, it never was easy!
David: Maybe not easy, but don't you enjoy a challenge?
Maddie: I feel like I've been challenged to death - which is why I feel like we need to discuss the ground rules of this partnership.
David: Thirty seven pages of legalese she hands me yesterday…and there are still more rules!
He stares at Maddie and shakes his head.
David: C'mon kiddo….I'm waiting with bated breath. Break out the big guns. I'm having a great day! That means in this little dance of ours, the tempo's gonna change. Any minute now, the bluebird of happiness is gonna fly by and leave a souvenir on my shoulder.
Maddie: David, you're exaggerating. I'm just saying, in a situation such as ours, it's feasible to set some boundaries.
David is starting to get annoyed…..and he's still not quite sure why…
David: A situation such as ours? And pray tell, what would that be?
There is no response from Maddie.
David: And what do you mean by boundaries? This is so typical. You finally make a good decision, and then you turn around and…….ah, forget it. If you want to keep the distance between ---
She cuts him off.
Maddie: David, that's enough. I don't know what's gotten into you.
David: What's gotten into me? I think the problem's more what hasn't gotten into you recently, if you catch my drift.
Maddie: There's no need to be crude, David. Was I unclear yesterday when I offered you a business partnership?
David: What's your current definition of business partnership, Maddie?
Maddie: Current definition?
David: Yeah, pick the season -- one through four.
David: What, Maddie? How am I supposed to know what you are thinking? You change your mind like other people change their underwear.
Maddie: Change my mind?
David: Yeah, you, Maddie Hayes, change your mind. What was all that BS last night about "discussing the terms"? What am I supposed to think?
Maddie: David, I was just playing with you. Where's your sense of humor?
David: Probably in the same place where the pieces of my pride, my personality, and my self-esteem are hiding. I'm not a Big Wheel or a G.I. Joe…quit playing with me. I've had it with your games.
David is obviously furious. He continues.
David: I have held on to this long enough, Maddie. I've been waiting, hoping….giving you your space…..not pushing. Waiting for you to realize that we need to be together. I thought that maybe yesterday was the day. I came in here today, absolutely happy for the first time in a long time. I should have known better.
Maddie: David, wait……..
David: Maddie Hayes, don't you ever say wait to me again…not as long as you live. Why did you offer me this partnership?
Maddie: Because you deserve it. Because this agency wouldn't be what it is today without you. Because I wouldn't be what I am today without you.
David: Then why are you second-guessing?
Maddie regards him silently, then walks behind her desk, her back to David, in a classic Maddie avoidance pose.
David: Ha, I've got it! Can't live with me, can't live without me. Can't toss me out with the trash, so why not toss me a bone? Bat your baby blues and purr convincingly, "David, be my partner……please". Think that'll pacify me?
Maddie: David, you're getting this all wrong.
David: Oh, am I? Look at the evidence, detective……you drop enough bread crumbs to keep me interested….then, when we start to get closer……bang…..you slam the door shut. So, in the cold light of day, this partnership gig doesn't seem like such a great idea anymore. Wanna reevaluate, Maddie? Want a do over?
Maddie: No, David, listen to me…...
David: Not a chance…..I'm tired of listening. I have had it up to here….times ten! Now I'm doing the talking, and you need to listen to me. This is not about the job at all…..not about my achievement…not about your sense of fairness. It's all about us. Why am I not surprised, it's always about us. But I'm not gonna do it, Maddie. I'm not gonna let you use me like a yoyo on a string. Not again!
David heads towards the door, and yanks it open - almost colliding with Agnes.
Agnes: Miss Hayes, Mr. Addison, is everything OK in here? Is this a bad time?
David: Ask the boss lady.
Maddie gives him a look, then responds to Agnes.
Maddie: Everything's fine Miss DiPesto. What can we do for you?
Agnes: There's a man here to see you.
Maddie: A man? Now?
Agnes: Yes. He read the article about the agency in the Tribune.
David: Now, Agnes, you'd better tell him, you can't believe everything you read in the paper.
David: So, what's the deal, boss? Wanna handle this one on your own?
Maddie: Miss DiPesto, please show the gentleman in. Addison, stay .
David: What's next…heel…roll over…..beg?
He smirks at Maddie as Agnes leads the man into the office. He is attractive, mid to late thirties, casually but meticulously dressed.
Agnes: Miss Hayes, this is Marty Breyer.
Maddie: How do you do, Mr. Breyer? I'm Maddie Hayes.
Marty: Call me Marty, please.
Maddie: Right, Marty. And this is my partner, David Addison.
David: Don't print the business cards yet. The jury's still out.
He flashes a smile.
David: How do you do, Marty? Have a seat. How can we help you?
Marty: I think my partner is trying to get rid of me.
David: Rid of you? Like Colonel Mustard in the drawing room with the candlestick?
Marty: No, as in, I think I might be losing a partner, and I don't know why.
David: Seems to be a lot of that going around.
Maddie fixes him with a glare.
Maddie: Tell us why you think that way, Marty.
Marty: Well, my partner, Deena Benjamin and I have worked together for a little over ten years now. A mutual friend introduced us, and we hit it off creatively. We started out as TV commercial writers…jingle writers of sorts, and graduated to song writing.
Maddie: Benjamin and Breyer? I know your work. Didn't I read somewhere that Barbra Streisand is considering recording one of your songs?
Marty: That's us. We've had a fairly good run of luck recently. Out names are starting to be more recognizable - and we've started writing a score for what we hope will be a Broadway musical.
Maddie: I have to tell you I'm a big fan. I know your work from Amber Martin's first CD. There's some great stuff on there - "Love is a Puzzle", "Don't Leave Me Yesterday", "Cease Fire".
Marty: Thank you…that was a very successful venture for us.
David: So what are you, Marty…….the tune or the talk?
Marty stares at him for a moment…then comprehends.
Marty: I write the music, Deena writes the lyrics.
David: What makes you think she might be packing your bags for you Marty?
Marty: She's acting very strangely…well, strangely for Deena, I guess. How can I describe her? She is calamity in motion - she's funny and crazy. She's in your face and fly by the seat of her pants. I never know what she's going to come up with - but I knew I could always count on her to be there….until recently, that is.
Maddie: What happened?
Marty: She's been avoiding my questions……won't tell me where she's been, where she's going.
David: And that's a problem for you?
Marty: Well, yes. I'm the cautious one….organized, routine. I keep us on track, as on track as it can be, working with a whirlwind. It has made for an interesting partnership, I will grant you.
David (drolly): I can just imagine.
Maddie: Go on, Marty.
Marty: In the kind of partnership we have, staying connected is critical. We need to be inside each other's heads to make this whole collaboration work. I was worried before, but the other day, I got a call from a "friend" telling me that Deena's been spotted around town with Gregg Hunter.
David: Even I know him…he's the guy that's always on all the awards shows. He's written for Billy Joel, Rod Stewart, Luther Vandross.
Marty: Exactly….he's a one in a million story….a successful songwriter. He and I were college roommates…….and he's the guy who introduced me to Deena.
David: You could stand a spoon up in this plot.
Marty: I need to find out exactly what she's doing with Gregg. If I'm about to be ousted out of this partnership for another one, I'd like not to be the last to know.
Maddie: Marty, forgive me if this is too personal, but is there a little more to your relationship with Deena than business?
Marty: I guess I should have expected that question……maybe even have prepared an answer. There has been and there hasn't been. It might be again…..it might never be again. It's like there is an invisible string that runs through both of us…..a connection that will be there no matter what we are to each other.
David: And your former roommate? Is he riding in on a golden stallion to sweep the girl off her feet? That what you're afraid of?
Marty: It's not entirely outside the realm of possibilities. Gregg always had a huge crush on Deena - he's kind of a geeky guy who never got the girl till he figured out he could woo his women with his words and music.
Maddie: What would you have us do Marty?
Marty: Follow her. See if you can get an answer as to what they are doing together. I've got a lot invested in this partnership - I need to know how far I have to go to protect my interests.
David: Can I ask what may seem a stupid question? Why not just ask her?
Marty: I'm not inclined to do that. I'd prefer to handle it this way. I'm prepared to pay you a great deal of money for the information.
David: I don't think…….
Maddie: David, could I speak to you privately for a moment? Marty, we'll just be a minute.
David: Off to the woodshed with me, I guess.
He smiles at Marty as they exit the room, and square off outside the doors.
David: Do you believe that guy? I bet the stick he has shoved up his…..
David: Would make a hell of a broomstick for Paul Bunyan.
Maddie: I don't understand what you're saying.
David: Well, of course you wouldn't.
Maddie: Is that a crack?
David: Take it anyway you want. (Imitating Marty) "I'm not inclined to handle it that way". What a doofus….wants to stand outside and look at life rather than live it.
Maddie: Did you ever stop to consider that his approach is logical……sensible…..safe?
David (emphatically): Stupid! Whatever happened to people talking?
Maddie: Yeah, whatever happened?
They look at each other cautiously, then start to speak at the same time.
He's a goof, Maddie. He probably eats I know it's hard for you to get this,
popcorn with a knife and fork. And don't Addison, but look at the man -
bet for a minute this is about business. We'll cultured, refined, simple. This
get smack dab in the middle of this, and woman puzzles him - absolutely
find somebody with a death wish or a rocks his world. He hates it….
severe personality disorder. Nope, I but he's drawn towards her. And
don't wanna do it - this guy is a little too she's effecting both his business
detached for my taste - reminds me an and his personal life. I respect that
awful lot of an old friend of yours - he knows it might take a neutral
the name "Sam" ring a bell? party to resolve all the issues.
David: You can't see it? The guy could be his long lost emotional twin.
Maddie: I think you've finally lost your mind, Addison…..although it's not really a great loss.
David: Fine…you think what you want. But if you don't realize that you are identifying with this man because his approach to handling his personal situation is by trying to take the "personal" out of it, then I think you're just kidding yourself.
Maddie: David, we're taking this case.
David: Sure…….fine. Nice to know that we can agree on our first case as partners.
They stare each other down.
David: You know, I think I've changed my mind. In fact, I would like to take this case…..I'd like to take complete responsibility for this case. It will be a pleasure to prove a point to you.
Maddie: Which is?
David: You are so convinced that in all aspects of life, slow and steady wins the race - when in so many ways, slow and steady ain't even on flippin' course……and the stupid tortoise could be dead of old age by the time you decide to make a move.
Maddie: Is that some kind of Aesop/Addison logic?
David: Forget it……..your job is to entertain Mr. Personality, and I'll take care of this.
He stomps off.
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Bert's voice intrudes.
She shakes her head as to shake the scene loose.
Bert: I was right about the length of this……..now we have a different problem. We've got serious time issues - this thing's gonna go over into the next program.
Agnes: Right…….OK, short version ………..Mr. Addison, restaurant, two semi-recognizable guest stars….. a man and a woman. Woman leaves, Mr. Addison approaches man with cooked up story……….they talk - blah, blah, blah. Mr. Addison goes to woman's apartment….no act, no pretenses….he tells her why he's there…big brown eyes, tears…empathize about their situations - hatch a plan…..decide to meet at Blue Moon the next morning.
She stops, gasping for breath.
Agnes: OK, can we move on to the next pivotal scene?
Bert stands in awe.
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January 20, 1989
Maddie and Marty Breyer are seated, comfortably chitchatting.
The door opens to reveal David and Deena Benjamin.
David: That's one hundred percent on the name recognition part of the test.
Marty: Deena, what are you doing here?
Deena: I'm here to tell you that you may be the most pluperfect idiot I've ever known.
Maddie: Present company excepted, of course.
She smiles snidely at David.
Marty: What do you mean, Deena?
Maddie: David, what's going on here?
David: Be quiet, Maddie. Sit and observe and maybe you'll learn something.
Maddie flounces back onto the couch.
Marty: Addison, I don't understand what you think you're doing here.
David: Breyer, you wanted us to find out what was going on with Deena and your buddy. So I asked her.
Maddie (sarcastically): Brilliant detective work.
David: Whatever works, baby. I think you two might be very interested in what Deena has to say.
Marty: If she might lower the volume. The whole world can hear her. It's like being partners with a car alarm.
Deena: Hey Marty, you know what? I haven't even begun here……lower the volume -hell! The volume is me, along with all the other things about me that make you crazy………just as life is everything about you that makes me crazy.
Marty: No comparison.
Deena: You're kidding, right? Do you know, when you park in a parking lot, you have to back up however many times it takes until you are EXACTLY between the two yellow lines. Do you know how irritating that is? And don't dare to move one single thing on your desk…….and let's not even speak of the important things….like FUN!!
Marty: I have fun.
Deena: What………arranging your shirts in the closet from light to dark? I think the last fun you had was in nursery school when some little girl tried to look down your diaper……..fun…..ha!
Marty: What's your point here, Deena…….that our differences are too big to overcome…that you and Gregg are more well suited, and will make better partners than you and I?
Deena: NO, NO, NO………..I don't want another partner.
Marty: So what is it…a romance?
Deena: I said I don't want another partner…….any kind of partner. You are such a jerk sometimes. You're gonna make me tell you.
Marty: Tell me what?
Deena: Gregg and I are writing something together……….for your fifteen-year college reunion next month. Your class voted you into the school's Hall of Fame, and the music department asked us to put together a musical tribute to you………Yay, Marty!!
Marty: You're kidding.
Deena: Nope, I'm pretty sure you wouldn't get it if I were kidding……straight shooting all the way.
Marty: So, that's why all the sneaking around, all the avoiding questions……boy, do I feel foolish.
Deena: Bingo! So, let's cut to the chase here.
David: There's no chase in this episode.
Deena: Now hear this, mister……….I'm not going anywhere. We're perfect together, like……..
David: Like Astaire and Rodgers.
Maddie (smiling slightly): Like hot dogs and doughnuts.
Deena: Like music and lyrics. I know I couldn't work without you…….I'm pretty positive I couldn't live without you -starched collars, and straight lines and all.
Marty: And singing off key, and elbows on the table and all.
They walk across the room, reaching for each other, and grab and hold on tightly.
David looks over at Maddie.
He nods his head towards the door, and they leave.
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They stop outside Maddie's office door, and turn towards each other, David with a big grin on his face.
David: I solved the case.
Maddie: Not much of a case.
David: Oh, I think they've got a pretty good case for each other.
Maddie: And they've been together three years more than we have.
David: Tell me we're gonna have to go through three more years of this.
Maddie: I don't think so. We're fast learners.
She leans over and kisses him on the cheek.
Maddie: How about this, partner? Why don't we head over to your office, and see if we can find something to work on together.
David: I've got a couple of ideas.
Maddie: And I've got a couple. This could take all afternoon.
David: And maybe all night……
He looks at the camera.
David: Get the lights on the way out, would ya?
He puts his arm around Maddie's shoulder and draws her towards the door.
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Bert looks up from where he is placing the last folder in the box.
Bert: That's a nice story , Agnes. But I'm a little confused………
Agnes looks at Bert nervously.
Agnes: About what?
Bert: I don't remember any of this at all, Agnes.
Agnes: (stammering) You were probably out on a case.
Bert: And I don't remember Ms. Hayes and Mr. Addison seeming any closer after this particular time period. In fact, they seemed to get farther apart as the fifth season progressed.
Bert: Can I see that folder?
Agnes vainly tries to keep it away from him, but he grabs and pulls. Bert holds the file folder in the air, fully open, and waves it. It is completely empty.
Bert: You made it up. You totally made that whole thing up.
Agnes: And what would you have had me do? How would I have kept you interested? It was the fifth season for goodness sake. Nobody understands the fifth season.
Agnes: And Diane was getting a headache trying to figure out what the fifth season writers had in their heads, and Lizzie and Sue had major computer problems this week….and well, I took things into my own hands. Everybody loves a happy ending.
Agnes: And the end justifies the means. After all, they are together now.
Bert: Two years later. Boy, Agnes, you took a lot of liberties.
Agnes: Liberties….I like that word….and what it implies.
She gives him a sly little half smile.
Bert: Don't ever torture me about my fantasies again. You've got plenty of your own.
Agnes: Indeed I do. And now that these files are closed……feel free to pursue any you might have in mind.
Bert sweeps Agnes up into his arms, and walks off into the sunset………well, out the door and into the hallway.
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There must be something about the number 13………..let us tell you, the three of us are very glad we are finished this one somewhat unscathed………
May the gods shine down on us, and solve all our computer problems……..
Happy Birthday Lizzie!!!
We must remember to thank Sarah, webmaster extraordinaire, who is very busy planning a wedding.
And now a small commercial…..the folks at the Virtual Network (those rat you know whats) are getting a little nervous about the ratings…..and we've asked them to invest a great deal of virtual money in the next few episodes….including a significant increase in our insurance premiums. If you would be kind enough to click on the "forum" link on this site, and give us a few words of feedback, both we and the suits will be most grateful.
Keep on the lookout for your wedding invitation, and as always thanks for reading.
Sue, Lizzie and Diane
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