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Season 9 – Episode 4


Relatively Speaking


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Friday, early afternoon

Blue Moon Detective Agency


Maddie is seated at her desk, reading over a sheaf of papers, when David bursts through the door, singing.


David: Monday morning feels so bad

Everybody seems to nag me
Coming Tuesday I feel better
Even my old man looks good

Wednesday just don't go

Thursday goes too slow

I've got Friday on my mind

Gonna have fun in the city
Be with my girl she's so pretty

She looks fine tonight
She is out of sight to me


Tonight, I’ll paint it red

Tonight, I’ll lose my head

Tonight, I’ve got to get, tonight!


Maddie:  Oh no, you don’t.


David:  I can’t sing?


Maddie:  I am hoping that’s a rhetorical question.  Sing away, but you need to lose that toga party look in your eyes.  The only thing we are doing tonight is going home…and getting ready for the weekend.


David:  The only thing we need to do to get ready for my family, is turn out all the lights and pretend we’re not home.


Maddie:  Here we go again.  I, for one, am really glad that your family is coming for the weekend.  I really want to spend some time with them…get to know them better.


David:  What’s to know?  I can sum up the whole experience in one song, a tune that should be quite familiar to you ….


He positions himself directly in front of Maddie.  His interpretation is accompanied by well placed finger snaps


David:  Dadadadump, Snap snap…Dadadadump, snap, snap

Dadadadump, dadadadump, dadadadump, snap, snap


They’re loud and rude and quirky

At times they can be jerky

They make me go berserky

The Addison family……


Maddie laughs.


David:  There’s more…


My bro and wife are flakey

My dad’s a little shaky

I’ve seen my stepmom nakey

The Addison family.


Maddie:  Oh my God, David!  Just what I need to be reminded of!  And in the guise of fine music!


David:  It’s a gift.


Maddie:  Can you return it?


She smirks at him.


Maddie:  Your musical virtuosity notwithstanding, you’d better get used to the idea. They will be here tomorrow, along with my family, and we have lots to do tonight. 


David:  Yep…..some brilliant idea, Blondie.  I get the heebie jeebies just thinking about it.  Holy cow -- your Mom and Dad, my Dad and Steph, Richie and Amy……..and hey, let’s just throw in Walter and Terri and Bert and Agnes…’s turned into a convention.  Guess the bean counters just threw the budget for talent right out the window for this episode.


Maddie:  Well, it’s Father’s Day. A good excuse for a family gathering.  Anyway, we have to let them all come now…they outnumber us.


David:  Decidedly.  So….anyway….before the spic-and-spanathon tonight, how about a little early dismissal?  Make like a bunch of bananas and split?  Take a little recess…afternoon nap?


Maddie:  Nice try.  But in about a half hour, Mr. Viola is bringing in the Bonomo brothers so we can go over their case, and plan strategy.


David:  Can we say import/export business with a straight face?


Maddie:  Do you have any reason to think they are not legitimate?  Because if you think so, we don’t belong in this case.


David:  Cool your jets, Hayes.  It was a joke -- Italian surname, successful shoe business…….stereotypically, the mind goes right for shoes of the cement variety. Honestly, it’s a fine case for us to take.


Maddie:  You’re sure?


David:  Well, I guess if you don’t mind a little reverse nepotism, and two sets of cousins trying to steal the crocodile loafers off of each other.  There is no way this venture is organized….if you get my drift.


Maddie:  Well, as long as you are sure that is not the case…..not the situation….oh, you know what I mean.


Maddie has gotten a little flustered trying to make herself understood.  David seems to be enjoying her discomfort.


David:  You are so damned beautiful when you are discombobulated.


He walks over, and sits on the edge of the desk.


David:  So, how are you feeling?  Anything you need?


Maddie:  I’m feeling the same way I did the last time you asked me…


She looks at her watch.


Maddie:  Exactly 45 minutes ago.  David, we talked about this.


David singsongs, mimicking……


David:  “You don’t need to ask me how I am doing every 15 minutes.”  Hey, with 45 minutes, I thought I was showing restraint.  Can I ask Bunny how he or she is doing?


Maddie glowers.


David:  OK, OK, I promise not to ask how you are doing.  Just promise me you will let me know when your water breaks, OK?


Maddie:  I can guarantee, you’ll be the first.  Actually……..


She hesitates a little.  We can almost see her hating to admit a weakness.


Maddie:  I am a little bit hungry.


David:  Seriously?  After the lunch you ate?  You are going to eat us out of house and home…or detective agency and home….


Maddie:  Thanks, you just don’t know how good that makes me feel.


She mutters to herself.


Maddie:  Jerk……


David reaches into his pocket, and pulls out a Reese’s peanut butter cup. 


David: Fortunately, I am prepared for such an emergency.  Bunny want some chocolate?


Maddie’s eyes light up.


Maddie:  Mmmmmgimmee.


David:  Hold on there.  What am I offered for this very valuable bit of fine chocolate covered peanut butter?


Maddie grabs for the candy.


Maddie:  I’ll give you a buck.


David holds it out of her reach.


David:  Mere cash cannot move me.  Got anything better?


Maddie:  How about, we get out of here right after the meeting with the Bonomos?


David looks skeptical.


David:  And the nap?


Maddie holds her hand out, wiggling her fingers.


Maddie:  And the nap.


David drops the candy bar into her hand.


David:  Sold…..I drive a hard bargain, don’t I?


Maddie is too busy eating to answer.


A knock on the door and Agnes enters.  Her gait is that of an almost 8 months pregnant woman…..shoulders back, midsection tipped forward, and legs trying to balance the whole unwieldy package.


Agnes:  Mr. Addison, Miss Hayes…….


David:  How are you feeling, Agnes?


Agnes smiles, glowing.


Agnes:  Oh, I’m fine….although, the baby is kicking quite a bit today.  Thanks for asking.


David turns and makes a face at Maddie.


Maddie (to Agnes):  He’ll probably ask you again in 45 minutes.


David:  No, he won’t, because he will be on his way home.


Maddie shakes her head.


Maddie:  What did you want, Agnes?


Agnes:  The Bonomo brothers are here….at Herbert’s desk.


Maddie:  Well, show them all in.


Agnes:  Ok, Miss Hayes. 


Agnes leaves, while Maddie puts on her businesswoman persona.


David grins mischievously.


David:  Yo Hayes, you’ve got chocolate on your face.


He leans over her desk and nibbles on the chocolate spot as the door starts to open.


Maddie shoves David and he goes flying into the chair in front of the desk.  He pops up grinning, and, as a hint, rolls his tongue over his lips.  Maddie quickly grabs a tissue and scrubs it across her mouth, as two rather impressive men enter, preceded by Bert.


Both are tall and handsome men, with swarthy complexions.  They are impeccably dressed in Italian suits.  They are bandbox perfect from head to toe, right down to their shiny new shoes.


Bert:  Miss Hayes, Mr. Addison, I’d like to introduce you to the Bonomo brothers, Mario and Luigi.  They were referred to us by my cousin Guido…although we won’t hold that against them.


The three men do a male bonding ritual thing of punching each other on the shoulders and laughing. 


Luigi:  Ahaha, Bert, my friend.  Botte piccolo fa vino buono


David looks over at Maddie, rolling his eyes.   Bert explains.


Bert:  “A small cask makes good wine”.  It’s a compliment.


David:  A short one….. a firkin….maybe a demi-bert.


David extends his hand.


David:  Seriously?  Mario and Luigi?  Where are your mustaches?  Is there a big ape in the outer office, waiting to throw flaming things at you?  How high can you jump?


Maddie:  David, I am sure that these gentlemen have heard all those things before.


Mario: (politely) Once or twice.


David:  Sorry, it was just too good to resist.  And speaking of too good to resist…


He indicates Maddie.


David:  This is my partner, Madolyn Hayes.


Mario:  Wow!


Luigi:  Double wow!  Mama mia……belissima.


Maddie:  You gentlemen are full of compliments   Thank you.  Shall we all sit down?


Everyone arranges themselves into seats, Maddie at her desk, and David perched on the credenza behind.


Maddie: Bert has given us a little background about your case, but we’d like to hear it from you.


Mario:  Well, Miss Hayes, Mr. Addison, I guess Herberto told you that my brother and I are in the shoe business – importing and wholesaling.  We deal in the finest shoes that can be found—Monolos, Gucci, Prada.


Maddie looks impressed.


Luigi:  It’s a great business, and a great life.  We spend lots of our time in Europe, buying and shipping.  And it’s been very lucrative…at least until lately.


David:  Why the change?


Mario:  Well, it’s still a great life, but …..”piovo sul bagnato”……maybe it is a curse.


Bert again translates.


Bert:  “It rains on what’s already wet”…….kinda like, too much of a good thing.


Luigi:  We are in business with our cousins, the O’Henry brothers….Sean and Patrick.  They are minority investors and work in the distribution side of the business.


He lowers his voice to a whisper, and reveals, almost conspiratorially.


Luigi:  Their father was Irish, you know.......not full blooded Italians, like us.


David:  Hey…I’m a German Irish mutt myself.


Mario tries to explain.


Mario:  Pardon.  When we went into business with our cousins, we didn’t realize how different we are.  You see us, we are businesslike and professional.  They are, shall we say….less so – hard drinking, brawling….fairly uncultured.


David:  Well that explains it…..maybe they are my cousins.


Maddie looks impatiently at David.


Maddie:  Please go on, Mr. Bonomo.


Mario:  So, it’s not a huge deal.  Live and let live, right?  Since they were doing the distribution side…the logistics, the trucking…..we figured it would work.  And it was great for a while.


Maddie:  What happened?


Luigi:  What happened is those chiselers decided to bite the hand that feeds them.


Mario:  They started making comments about us – our lifestyles, the money we spend on travel and clothes.  They seemed to be dissatisfied with their portion of the profits.


Luigi:  So they decided to help themselves.


Mario:  We honestly don’t know that for sure.  That’s where you come in.


David:  What is missing – money, merchandise, combat boots?


Mario:  Inventory…. fine shoes…..…and more and more of them as time passes.  When you are in the import business, you always plan to lose a little.  Things go missing, get damaged.  But recently our shortages are unexplainable….well, almost unexplainable.


David:  So you think things are falling off the back of the truck?


Mario:  Or being pushed off by our cousins.  This merchandise is too valuable.  I think they are selling off part of the imports and keeping the money for themselves.


Maddie:  A question, do you think they are dealing with dangerous people?


David:  Maddie, they ain’t selling stolen shoes at Sunday school.  I would venture to say that they are in cahoots with some fairly bad dudes.


Maddie:  I was asking the Bonomos, so we can weigh all of our options.


Mario:  Well, I’m not going to lie to you.  Their familiars are not my cup of cappuccino.  Caution would be warranted.  In that side of the business, my cousins deal with the unions….Teamsters….. a pretty hard nosed group of people.


Maddie looks concerned.


Mario:  But I have a suggestion that, if it works, could help resolve this rather quickly, with minimal risk involved.


David:  I’m all ears


Mario:  We have a twice monthly poker game.  The next game is scheduled for next Saturday night.  It is my brother and I, my cousins, and a few friends.  A few tables…friendly, yet competitive games.  We can introduce you and Bert as entrepreneurs and casual acquaintances – friends of friends, more or less.  You could let them know that you might be potential participants in their little side business...if the deal is right.


David:  They would fall for that?


Luigi:  They are not the sharpest knives in the drawer. 


Mario:  We will make it clear that you are being invited as a favor to our friends.  In fact, we can make them think that you are a little shady….not really the kind of people with whom we would like to do business.


David looks intrigued, while Maddie looks uncertain.


David:  So, if we get them to take the bait, what happens?


Mario:  Well, we have already got the paperwork that shows the missing inventory.  Once you get them to “make you an offer you can’t refuse”…..


Mario winks…..


Mario:  All we would need is your confirmation, and we can confront them with the evidence.  My hope is that we can come to a civil agreement, and use the information to buy them out of the business.  But that won’t be your problem, that will be ours.


David:  So bottom line, you need us to play poker for an evening, with our eyes and mouths open?  Sounds like a piece of cake, huh Bertie?


Bert:  An exceptional Saturday night, sir.


Maddie clears her throat, making herself heard.


Maddie:  I think we understand what you want, gentlemen.  Can you give us a moment?  Maybe Mr. Viola could keep you occupied.


Luigi:  Sure.  Bert tells great jokes.


Maddie rises, walking towards the door.  David doesn’t move.  She telegraphs him with her eyes, and he reluctantly follows her out the door.


David looks around the room at the office workers, who always make it a habit to drink in their bosses’ conversations like fine wine.  He makes a split second decision, then an announcement.


David:  Ok folks…ice cream sundaes on me.


He peels off a few bills and hands them to Agnes.


David:  Agnes, make sure you get some extra whipped cream for the little bambino there.


The wobblies cheer, and head out the door towards the elevator.  Once they are alone, Maddie and David take very familiar positions against her office door.


David:  I am loving this.  Another open and shut case.  A night of playing poker….and then cashing in the chips!


Maddie:  I am not so sure.


David looks at her like she has three heads.


David:  Not sure of what?  This is a fine case.  This case is like found money.


Maddie:  Then why am I concerned about the danger?


David:  Because you, my love, are the worryingest woman alive.  This is a no big deal case – play a few games of poker, set up the swindlers, home in bed with you by 1.


Maddie:  Did you not hear the man?  Unions…teamsters….organized crime.


David:  I didn’t hear anything about organized crime.  In fact, if what they think is true, this may be a primo example of disorganized crime.  At least it’s not a well thought out plot.


Maddie:  Be that as it may, I am still not reassured.


David:  It’s a straight flush, kiddo.  And the coin is good.  Remember, Bunny needs a new pair of shoes.


Maddie:  More importantly, Bunny needs a father…and so does Agnes and Bert’s baby.


David:  Interesting observation from a woman who just about a month ago was being held at gunpoint.


Maddie:  So shoot me….


She grimaces.


Maddie:  Bad choice of words.  Maybe I learned from that experience that we….neither of us, should be taking any unnecessary risks.


David:  I agree with you on that count.  But this is not an unnecessary risk.  We will walk out of the game with the bad guys not even suspecting a thing.


Maddie mutters.


Maddie:  Best laid plans.


David:  We’ll get to that as soon as we get home.


He takes her hands.


David:  Honey, we run a detective agency.  We can’t stop detecting just ‘cause we’re expecting.  I promise you, it will be just fine.  Trust me.


Maddie:  You pull out that “trust me” every time…..’because you know it’s gonna take the wind right out of my sails.


David:  Only when the cheesy grin isn’t working.


He smiles at her.


David:  It’s gonna be fine.


Maddie:  Well, I have a condition.


David:  (hopefully)  Nymphomania?


Maddie rolls her eyes.


David:  Halitosis?  The heartbreak of psoriasis?


Maddie:  (patiently)  David……..


David:  Ok, what is your condition?


Maddie:  In addition to Bert, you take along Jergenson and O’Neill.


David:  And that will make us safer…


Maddie:  They’re big guys…at least they look imposing.


David:  You know what they say about looks being deceiving.  I don’t know….four extra for poker may be difficult for the Bonomos to manage.


Maddie:  Those are the terms.


David:  OK, OK, Uncle!  You drive a hard bargain, lady.  Let’s get this done, and get down to the important stuff….the weekend.


Maddie:  Agreed.


David:  Remember something else; the terms for today’s naptime are my earned privilege.


Maddie:  Heaven help us!


David looks at her slyly.


David:  Heaven’s what it’s gonna be, baby!  Just you wait.


He opens the office door, and allows Maddie to enter first, as he looks back at the camera and waggles his eyebrows ala Groucho.


David:  What a dame!




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Friday evening

The Hayes/Addison living room


David slumps on the sofa, a beer in hand, watching a baseball game on the television.


David:  Awwww…come on, Blue!  You must need glasses.  If that was a strike, I’m a…………


He is interrupted by a voice coming from upstairs – a familiar voice, though obviously strained.


Maddie:  David?


David, clearly engrossed in the game, mumbles.


David:  Uh huh……


The voice becomes a little more emphatic.


Maddie:  David!


The tone snaps David out of his preoccupation.  He looks towards the ceiling and smirks.


David:  Yes dear?


The response is controlled, yet tense.


Maddie:  Could you come up here please?


David bounces off the sofa, and with a backwards glance at the TV, trudges up the stairs.  Maddie stands in the middle of the bedroom, surveying the territory, with her back to the door.  David walks up behind her and wraps his arms around her waist.


David:  You bellowed?


She turns and looks at him…..not a happy look.


Maddie:  About a century ago.


David:  Sorry babe, first and third, nobody out, Lenny Dykstra at the plate.


Maddie:  Well, I hope Lenny Dykstra will be here to help when we try and host this fiasco this weekend.


David:  Think the Dude’s got more on his plate…..those guys are going to the series, mark my words.


He watches Maddie as she peers around the room distastefully.  The bed is heaped with clothes.  There are several cardboard boxes piled in a corner, and a framed picture of Maddie leaning up against the wall.


David:  Anyway, what do you need him for?  You’ve got me. Your wish is my command.


Maddie: (distractedly) Don’t tempt me.


David:  Maddie, what’s up?  You are strung tighter than my Aunt Fanny’s corset.


Maddie:  Thanks for that picture.


David:  Well, you are a little tense.


Maddie:  You could help with that.


David: (leering)  Indeed I could – let’s get all these clothes off the bed.


Maddie:  Not funny, David.  We have a whole lot to do here and not a whole lot of time to do it in.  Everybody will be here tomorrow morning.


David:  So, all in favor of making good use of tonight?


David rolls his eyes comically…..indicating the bed.  Maddie is not buying this particular brand of charm.


David:  All right, spoilsport.  So what can I do?


Maddie:  First, what are those boxes?


David:  Bachelor pad residue.  Mostly ashes…as you might remember the sudden incineration of said pad.


Maddie:  What are they doing in the bedroom?  Where did they come from?


David:  Had them stashed in the garage.  Haven’t opened them since I got here, so I thought I should go through them.  Was gonna toss it all out, decided I need some back up plan in case you throw me out…..


David grins…the “you’ve gotta love me” grin.


Maddie sighs.


Maddie:  Well, it’s over a year.  If I haven’t tossed you by now……


She continues.


Maddie:  Wherever they resurfaced from, could you move them into the big hall closet until I’ve made my final decision?


David:  What…whether I’m in or out?


He nods his head pseudo solemnly.


David:  Done!  Don’t want to give you any more ammunition.


Maddie:  And look, that picture is back again.  Thought I already got rid of that thing once.


David:  What nerve!  That’s mine!  If you recall, I risked life and limb to save that picture from the fire.  I thought about it the other day, and brought it out to hang it somewhere. 


Maddie:  Hang it where?


David:  I know this might be a little radical for you, but how about on the wall?


Maddie:  I don’t want it on the wall.  I already took it down from the wall. 


David:  Hey, hey, hey……no big deal, Martha Stewart.  If you don’t want it on the wall, I’ll hang it inside my closet.  It’s mine and I want it.


Maddie:  Fine


David:  Fine?


Maddie seems to lose her steam.


Maddie:  I don’t care.  Do whatever you want with it.


David:  Speaking of closets, why does it look like yours has exploded all over the room?


Maddie (exasperated):  I was trying on a few things.


David looks directly into the camera and mouths “a few things?”


David:  Your decision making skills take a vacation?


Maddie shrieks.


Maddie:  Nothing fits…..nothing!  I have nothing to wear this weekend.  We have invited all these people to come here and I will be wearing a fuzzy pink bathrobe.


David:  With slippers to match?


Maddie:  I probably shouldn’t have donated all those beautiful maternity clothes that Mom bought me.


David dismisses the thought without a backwards glance.


David:  New clothes, new baby.


David smiles at her sweetly, takes her hand and leads her to the bed.  He pushes a pile of clothes out of the way, and they sit on the bed.


David:  Now Maddie, you know this is not about your expanding waistline or your shrinking waistbands.


Maddie:  Says you.  David, I am three and a half months.  I’m going to be the size of a house.


David:  Why settle for a house… about a mansion…an estate….a villa?


Maddie does not look amused.


David:  Sweetheart, you are perfect, you are beautiful and you’ve got our little rugrat popping you out a little from the inside.


He leans down, and puts his head on her stomach.


David:  Hello Bunny….this is your dad…tell your mom to stop being so goofy.  And tell her to stop feeding you so much ice cream!


Maddie pushes him. 


Maddie:  Ha…you should talk.  Hot fudge sundaes and beer.  I’m the one who’s supposed to get cravings.  You’re gonna gain a hundred pounds.


David:  So then we’ll both go out and get some new pants…..clown pants.


She finally laughs, he has worn her down.


David:  Now, as usual, it has taken three pages to get to what is really going on here.  So what’s the story, morning glory?


Maddie gets up and starts to pace around the room.


Maddie:  Maybe you were right this afternoon.  Do you think we’ve made a mistake, inviting all these people here, planning this big announcement?  Can’t we just call it off?  Send everybody a telegram?


David:  Hell no.  Since our big talk this afternoon, I’ve decided that you were right.  I’m really looking forward to it.


Maddie:  Looking forward to your family, my family and our friends all in the same room?


David:  Cheap weekend’s entertainment.


He laughs.


David:  It is gonna be a hoot!  The Addison Family Feud meets Father Knows Best….with a sprinkling of fruits and nuts.


Maddie:  You know, I wasn’t making judgments.


David:  No, you’re not.  I am.  You think I don’t know my Dad and brother put the crack in crackpot?


Maddie:  I know the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.  But my family has its own little quirks too.


David:  Yeah, your dad probably organizes the money in his wallet by serial number.  Or maybe your gorgeous mother irons her sheets.


Maddie:  Well, those kinds of things can be irritating too.


David screws up his face, and makes a megaphone of his hands, addressing Maddie’s midsection.


David:  You hear that, Bunny….that’s your legacy.


Maddie:  I like to think that Bunny…….oh lord, now he has me saying it too…..well, that Bunny will be the very best parts of Hayes and Addison.


David:  Loosey Goosey with a side of style.


They smile.


David:  Ok, so now what do we need to do to get this all under control, and make sure that you get to sneak in a little bit of shopping time in the AM?


Maddie:  Well, I have to look at the schedules for the airport pickup.  It really worked out well…they all get in right around 10……Richie and Amy from Eugene, your Dad and Stephanie from Philadelphia, and my Mom and Dad from Chicago.  The car will drop off my Mom and Dad and Richie and Amy and then bring your Dad and Stephanie here probably a little after 11.


David:  Little Miss Efficiency, that’s what you are.


Maddie:  I hope we haven’t made a mistake.  It is really nice of Terri and Walter and Agnes and Bert volunteering their guest rooms, but maybe it’s a little bit too much.


David:  It will be fine.  Nothing like hunkering down with the home folks…sure beats a hotel. I am just not sure that you have the matches done the right way….the compatibility factor?


Maddie:  Well, I kind of had no choice…..Amy is allergic to Miss Me, so she can’t stay here.  She swears she will be ok for a few hours at a time, but sleeping here would not be healthy for her.


David:  Well, if it’s a problem we can put her in the yard.  Amy…not Miss Me.


Maddie:  David!


David:  Hey, that woman is still on probation with me.


Maddie:  Think we’ve got to give her the benefit of the doubt.  They seem to have settled in well in Oregon, and Rich sounds happy.


David:  We’ll see.  So they are staying with Terri and Walter, right?


Maddie:  Yes, I thought they would be able to deal with the kids a little better than my Dad.


David:  Pop Pop Hayes? 


Maddie:  Don’t get me wrong, he’s gonna be a great grandfather.  But I am a little hesitant about breaking him in too fast – a five year old and an infant can be overwhelming, even kids as great as Wally and Melanie.


David:  That’s why I don’t get your parents not staying here.  They always stay here.


Maddie:  And this is the first trip your dad and Stephanie have made since you moved in here.  They need to be welcome in our home.


David:  They could have stayed with her family.


Maddie:  The case is closed. 


David:  Oh, it’s a case, is it?  Then I get it!  You take every case.


Maddie:  Yeah, yeah, yeah.  Well, my Mom and Dad will be just fine at Bert and Agnes’s.


David laughs.


David:  I am sure your father and Bert will become fast friends.  The investment banker and Mr. Selling Short.


Maddie:  Don’t push too hard…..don’t want to lose your side kick…..your straight man.


David:  I’d lose half my dialogue if I couldn’t tell short jokes.  I’ll have to save them for Bunny.


Maddie smiles, but seems a little distracted.


Maddie:  So how are we gonna do this, David?


David:  I figured one month at a time…till we get to nine.


Maddie:  Not that……the announcement.


David:  Guess you wouldn’t be a fan of me running into the room, and yelling, “Maddie’s knocked up!”


Maddie:  Not even a little bit.  We’ve got a lovely catered luncheon planned, and I thought maybe a nice dignified announcement during dessert.


David:  So, you’ll be making the announcement?


Maddie:  Not if you want to do it.  But I want it to be sweet and memorable….not funny, or sarcastic, or fraught with unexpected craziness.


David:  Nah……we’ve already shared one food fight with some of these folks.


Maddie:  Exactly.  So do you want to do it?  What will you say?


David:  You want me to rehearse?


Maddie:  I’d like to hear what you’ve got.


David:  Seriously, you don’t trust me to handle this?


Maddie:  David………


David:  This is our baby…..our future…..I get how important this is……and I think I’ve done fairly well by you, speaking from the heart.


She walks over to him, leans down and kisses him gently.


Maddie:  Of course you have.  Once we learned to trust…..


David pulls her gently into his lap.


David:  Trust each other.  Trust ourselves.  I will do my best to make it just perfect.


Maddie:  No crawling……..


David:  Way to break the mood, Hayes.  No, we will leave the crawling to Bunny.


Maddie:  In about a year or so.


David:  Can’t wait!  So, now what else do we need to do here?  I’ll stow the boxes and the picture.  You start to reload that closet.


Maddie:  Ugh.


David:  C’mon, I’ll help.  Lead me to the padded hangers.


They companionably start hanging clothes, and placing them in the closet.


Maddie:  Well, if we get up early, do a last little check to make sure all is well, maybe I can duck out for an hour or so at 8:30.  You’ll be here to let the caterer in, right?


David:  I live to serve….or maybe I should make that, I serve to live.  So, where you headed – J.C. Penney?


David laughs at the look of sheer horror on Maddie’s face.


David:  I hear they have a lovely maternity section.


Maddie:  I don’t think I need maternity clothes quite yet….maybe something with just a little more room.  I am going to call Turturice’s and see if they can see me early in the morning.


David:  Tell them to stock up on shoulder pads.


Maddie:  Funny.  I’ll be right back.


Maddie leaves the room.


David continues to hang, and as he does, he starts talking to himself.


David:  Good afternoon, ladies and germs……..nope, that’s not right……Maddie and I would like to inform you…nah…… about, somebody else is gonna be moving into the house with us……


David runs his hands through his hair, and scratches his head.


David:  Not as easy as I thought.  There’s a lot to this……..


David wears an uncharacteristic frown, as we FREEZE FRAME.





~|~  ~|~  ~|~  ~|~  ~|~  ~|~  ~|~  ~|~ 





Saturday 10:30 AM

The Hayes/Addison home


The front door flies open, and Maddie rushes in.  She is laden down with about 6 dress bags, all labeled “Turturice”.


She hangs them over the banister, and moves quickly into the living room, calling as she goes.


Maddie:  David?  Where are you?


David enters from the kitchen.  He is perfectly attired for an informal luncheon – a moss green sweater, and green khaki slacks.


David:  You rang?


He stops for a moment, checking out her loot.


David:  Spend all of Bunny’s inheritance?


Maddie:  Bunny can sell the Corvette.


David:  Over my dead body. 


Maddie:  Isn’t that what inheritances are all about?  What time is it?


She looks at her watch and groans.


Maddie:  I am so late.  Beverly Hills is full of Japanese tourists.  A group of them surrounded me, and the only words I could understand was “pretty woman, pretty woman” 


David:  Japanese tourists with good taste.


Maddie:  No David…I think they were looking for Julia Roberts. (beat)  Is the caterer here?


David:  Not only is the caterer here, but the florist too.  I’ve just been waiting for the butcher, the baker and the candlestick maker.


Maddie:  And the dining room?


David:  All assignments completed, Mom Capitan!  So let’s see the new threads.


David gestures with his finger.


David:  Turn around……like on the catwalk.


Maddie:  David, we don’t have time for this.


David:  Won’t this go a little faster if you do what I say instead of arguing with me?


Maddie spins a bit.  She is wearing green as well, just a different shade than David’s.  She has on soft slacks of forest green and a pastel green draped tunic that is long and loose.


Maddie:  That’s enough of that spinning.  No tempting fate, especially not on the first morning that I haven’t been sick in ages.


She pauses, a little self-consciously.


Maddie:  I think it looks OK, don’t you?  We’re not too matchy matchy?  Robert said it should work now, as well as when I really start to show.


David:  It looks beautiful.  You look beautiful.  And it makes a perfect little hiding place for Bunny.


Maddie scoffs.


Maddie:  I should know better than to ask you for fashion advice.  I wasn’t so much worried about hiding as I was about shooting a button across the room.


David:  Whatever makes you happy, Missy.


Maddie:  I’m going to the kitchen and make sure the caterer is up to speed.  Your Dad and Stephanie should be here shortly.


David:  I’m thinking about playing hide and seek.


Maddie:  After the fight.


David:  Read your script….no fights today.  Unless you want to improvise.


Maddie:  We know how well I do with spontaneity. 


David:  Like I do with proper etiquette?


Maddie gives him a concerned look. 


Maddie:  Are you OK?


David: (a little annoyed)  I will be once this whole thing gets rolling.


Maddie:  OOOOOOOKKKKKKKKKK.  I’m going back to the kitchen and talk to the caterer.  Let me know if you need anything.


David:  Okey dokey.


Maddie goes to the back of the house, looking back once at David.  He starts towards the living room when the doorbell peals.


David walks towards the door, singsonging


David:  Who is it?


He opens the door, to find David Addison Sr. and Stephanie on the doorstep.


David:  Nobody home but us chickens.


Stephanie moves first, giving him a big hug.


Stephanie:  David, so nice to see you.


David, Sr. stands back for a moment, observing his son.  He then steps in, and envelopes David in a bear hug.


Mr. Addison:  David Addison, I presume?


David:  That one’s getting old, Dad.  How ya doing?  How was your trip?


Mr. Addison:  Like six hours in a shoebox.


Stephanie:  Dave, you slept almost the whole flight.


Mr. Addison:  Like sleeping in a shoebox then.


They enter, as Maddie comes into the room.


Maddie:  Welcome, we’re so glad you’re here.


Mr. Addison lurches towards her immediately, squeezes her in a huge hug, enveloping her in a cloud of Aramis. David reads Maddie’s panicked expression……..more tempting fate…..


David:  Hey Dad, let her breathe, will ya?


Mr. Addison:  I just can’t help it.  Maddie, you are more beautiful every time I see you. 


Maddie smiles self consciously.


Maddie:  Thank you Mr. Addison.


Mr. Addison:  And what’s with this Mr. Addison stuff.  Call me Dave…..or David….or maybe…Dad?


Maddie adroitly sidesteps the last suggestion.


Maddie:  One David around here is quite enough, but how about we settle on Dave?


Mr. Addison:  Works for me.


Stephanie has been standing back, observing.


Maddie:  Stephanie, welcome to our home.  It’s so nice to see you again.


They exchange air kisses.


Stephanie:  We are so happy you invited us.  It’s a nice idea, a Father’s Day celebration.  We’re looking forward to getting to know your family and friends.


Mr. Addison:  Yep.  Had a conversation with Alex in the car that needs finishing.


Maddie:  Well, I’m glad it has all worked out…..the flights, the car, the accommodations


Stephanie:  We are just thrilled to be staying here with you.


Maddie exchanges a knowing glance with David.


Mr. Addison:  Hell, yes.  This is much nicer than your old place, Junior.  It has furniture.


David:  Good one, Dad.


Maddie:  Well, we can save the tour for later.  Why doesn’t David show you to your room, and you relax for a little while.  Everyone should be here for lunch at one.  David, do you need help with the bags?


David:  Not from you……why don’t you go knit some…..


He stops at her look….


David:  Errrrr…..git some hors d’oeuvres……some of those hordie orvies things….pigs in a blanket…..ya know……


They all look at him strangely.


David:  C’mon, Pop.  Wait’ll I show you the bathroom….it’s got a heated toilet seat, and I stocked up on the latest issues of Field and Stream.

They exit upstairs, and Maddie goes and sits in the living room.  David enters a few minutes later, looking disconcerted.


Maddie:  Nice slip up, Addison.  Is your plan to tell these people one at a time?  I don’t think I can take the suspense.


David:  Well, what a stupid suggestion that you tote luggage.  Are you trying to make me crazy?


Maddie:  I hardly think that carrying a suitcase upstairs is manual labor.


David:  Well, you’re not doing it.  Go back a few pages to the unnecessary risks part.


Maddie looks at him for a moment.


Maddie:  Ok, point taken.  We both need to calm down.  These are our friends and family.  Entertaining them should not be such a big deal.  That is all it is, right?


David:  I guess.


Maddie:  David, talk to me.  You are acting very strangely. 


She tries to cajole him


Maddie:  In the last 24 hours, you’ve had more mood swings than I have…..and I hear I’m entitled.


David runs his hands through his hair.


David:  I don’t know what’s going on.  Maybe it’s trying to come up with the right words for this announcement.  We’re in pretty deep aren’t we?


Maddie:  Up to our necks.


David:  How can I be sure I can do this?


Maddie takes a deep breath.


Maddie:  What’s the this this to which you are referring?  The announcement – or something else?


David:  The whole nine yards…….fatherhood, commitment, becoming a fine upstanding citizen…..


Maddie tries to get a rise out of him


Maddie:  Two and a half out of three isn’t bad.  I’m pretty sure you’re a fine upstanding citizen whom I’ve often thought needs to be committed.  And you’ve completed the first task in the fatherhood assignment.


Maddie gives him a small smile, but David remains silent.  Maddie tries another tack.


Maddie:  Nice timing, pal.  Think maybe we might have picked a different time to discuss this other than with your Dad upstairs and the rest of our invited guests nearly hovering on the doorstep?


David:  Don’t call me pal.


Maddie:  Partner, helpmate, love of my life, father of my unborn child – any of those work?


David:  I’ve really thought a lot about this Maddie. Look at that guy from our last case, that Peterson jerk.  And what about the guy upstairs….not exactly the most stellar example of fatherhood.  Who’s to say that I’m just not more of the same?


Maddie:  You’re certainly not Mr. Peterson.  And you’re not your father either.  Although, don’t you think you need to cut your father some slack?  He was pretty much on his own, raising two boys, for a whole lot of years.


David:  Whatever the reason, I don’t want to be that kind of a Dad.


Maddie:  You underestimate yourself.  Don’t you see that knowing what kind of a Dad you don’t want to be is the first step?  And don’t forget, you’ve got me looking over your shoulder to keep you honest.


David:  Sounds like you are going to have two kids to deal with.


Maddie:  Not true.  All of those words…..partner, helpmate….that’s you, Addison.  I push, you pull….I heave, you ho!


David finally cracks a small smile.


David:  Sure that’s not one of my lines?


Maddie:  Not sure…. this whole scene seems a little backwards… shoring you up.


David:  Who’d’ve thunk it?


He goes on.


David:  I think I’m worried things are gonna change.


Maddie:  Things have been changing for nine years.  Since the day I walked into your life.


David:  You can say that again.


Maddie:  I want us to change.  I want us to get better, and to grow.


David:  Well, you’re growing.


Maddie:  That’s better…..there’s the Addison I know and love.  And never doubt that for a second……I love you and I love that we are going to be sharing the greatest adventure of our lives together.


Maddie looks at him carefully.


Maddie:  I believe in you, David. 


David:  Guess that’s all we need.  Better hang on tight.


Maddie puts her arms around him, and they kiss, sweetly at first, then it turns a bit more passionate.  They break apart breathless.


David:  Speaking of timing, this would be the perfect time to include a gratuitous little sex scene, wouldn’t it?


The doorbell rings.


David:  A FAST gratuitous sex scene?  Is it later than I thought?


David and Maddie exchange glances, and David rises to answer the door.  On the doorstep stand Richie and Amy, Walter and Terri, and the traveling circus that arrives with any couple with two children.


Richie:  Bro o’ mine!


He hugs David and lifts him off the floor.


Richie:  So glad to see you!


David:  Put me down, you nitwit!  So, hail, hail, the gang’s all here.


He stares pointedly at Terri.


David:  An hour early!


Terri apologizes with her eyes.


Terri:  Richie can be very persuasive when he wants to be.


Little Wally pulls on David’s pant leg.


Wally:  Uncle David, Uncle David.


David:  Wally, my man!


Wally:  I brought all my Legos, thousands of them and Mom says if I eat all my lunch I can play with them while the grown-ups talk.  Wanna help me build a fort?


Walter collects his son.


Walter:  Wally, Uncle David might want to talk with the grown-ups too.


Wally:  Of course he doesn’t, Dad.  He likes me best.


David puts out his hand, and Wally solemnly shakes it.


David:  My word, Wally, we will build the best fort ever.  Now, I have to say hello to everyone….. all these other people I don’t like as much as you.


He shakes hands with Walter, kisses Terri on the cheek, and turns to face Amy.


David:  Hi Amy.  Good to see you.  Looks like Oregon agrees with you.


Amy:  I think it agrees with both of us.  And it’s good to see you too, David.  Where’s Maddie?


Maddie chooses that moment to make her entrance from the dining room.


Maddie:  Hi everybody.


David:  I already told them they were way too early.


Maddie:  Don’t be silly.  It’s perfectly al…..


She is interrupted by a wolf whistle.


Richie:  My favorite detective!


Maddie gives him a hug.


Maddie:  Richie….Walter….good to see you.  Walter, let me see that sweet baby.


Maddie strokes the baby’s cheek and gets her to laugh.


Terri and Amy both stand back for a moment.  Terri has a strange expression in her eye.


Maddie turns to them.  She looks directly at Amy.


Maddie:  Amy, good to see you.  I can’t wait to hear about how things are in Oregon.


She then turns to Terri.


Maddie:  Terri, thanks so much for coming.


Terri:  Maddie, you look……well, you just look wonderful.  That style and color are just perfect…..makes you just glow.


Maddie:  Thanks.


Walter:  There is something odd that I thought I might mention.  There’s a car outside, at the end of the driveway, and people just sitting in there.


David peeks out the window.


David:  Looks to me like Bert’s boringmobile.  What are they doing out there?


Maddie:  I bet they don’t want to come in early.  David, go out and get them.


David grumbles.


David:  Where did we meet all these people?  That Bert is the most wacked little….


Maddie interrupts.


Maddie:  I have a feeling we may be able to blame this one on my mother….good old Amy Vanderbilt Hayes.


David:  Ooooooh, I’m gonna tell her you said old!!  Well, as long as it’s your mother.  I’m gonna go get her and leave the rest of them in the car.


Maddie:  David!


David:  Hey, I’ll crack the window.


He gives her a quick peck on the cheek and exits through the front door.


A voice booms from above.


Mr. Addison:  See Steph, I told you there was a party down here.  Do we know any of these people?


Mr. Addison and Stephanie make their way down the stairs and charge into the fray, making their way towards Amy and Richie.


Maddie surveys their guests.  All seems well…there is laughter and conversation, hugs and kisses…it’s a good mingle.


She turns back to the door as her father comes through, followed by Bert who is chattering a mile a minute.  Alex’s face lights up as he sees Maddie.


Alex:  Hello, daughter!


Maddie:  Daddy!


They hug and he holds her out at arm’s length.


Alex:  Don’t you agree, Bert?  I have the most beautiful daughter in the whole wide world?


Bert:  You did great, Mr. Hayes.  I hope Agnes and I are half as fortunate.


Alex:  You’re halfway there, Bert.  A beautiful wife equals a beautiful daughter.


Maddie:  Thank you, gentlemen.  So Daddy, how was your flight?  Are you all settled in at Agnes and Bert’s?  And where’s Mom?


Alex:  The flight was great, we’re settled in just fine.  What was the third question?  Oh, your mother…….she’s right behind us….talking with Agnes about baby names or some such thing.


A shout comes from across the room.


Mr. Addison:  Hey Alex, I need you to settle a bet.  Wait till you hear what my oldest son wants me to believe.


Alex shrugs his shoulders at Maddie.


Maddie:  Go have fun, Daddy.  I’ll talk to you later.


Alex heads off into the living room, as Agnes enters the front door, followed by Virginia Hayes.  Virginia looks around, and spots Bert.


Virginia:  Herbert, come here.  Take your wife and find her a place to sit and get her a nice cold drink.  You should be taking very good care of her at this time.


Agnes:  Oh he is, Mrs. Hayes.  He hardly lets my feet touch the ground.


Agnes sees Maddie.


Agnes:  Hi Miss Hayes.  It looks really nice in here.  Beautiful flowers.  Come on Bert, let’s say hello to all the Mr. Addisons.


Virginia stands in the doorway…just looking at her daughter.  Her eyes fill with tears, and her voice trembles just a bit.


Virginia: (slowly, quietly)  Oh my goodness……


She reaches for Maddie, and gives her a big hug.


Virginia: (smiling through her tears)  Maddie….you’re ……..


Maddie interrupts quickly.


Maddie:  Fine, Mom.  I’m absolutely great.


Writer’s note:


So…..Virginia knows…..and Maddie knows Virginia knows…..and Virginia knows that Maddie knows that Virginia knows….and --- OK…I think you’ve got the picture.


Maddie’s eyes meet her mother’s and they communicate in that special mother daughter language.


Maddie:  I’m so glad you’re here.  David is the master of ceremonies today!  I think he’s got a surprise or two up his sleeve for later.


Virginia smiles.


Virginia:  Well, we wouldn’t want to spoil any of David’s fun.


Maddie:  Of course you wouldn’t.  I really think he would have gotten rid of me a long time ago if he had been sure he could have kept you as part of the deal. 


Virginia:  Well, you know that’s not true.  But I am part of the mutual admiration society.


David reenters through the front door.


Virginia:  Isn’t that right, David?


David:  Mrs. Hayes, you are one of the very few people on earth that I would feel comfortable agreeing with, even if I don’t have a single clue about what you’re discussing.


Maddie:  Well, that doesn’t run in the family.


David puts his arm around Maddie, and Virginia smiles.


Virginia:  You two are a pair.


Maddie:  A pair of jokers.


Virginia:  A pair of diamonds.  I love you both very much.


Virginia kisses each one of them.  She looks across the room.


Virginia:  Oh look, what beautiful children.  And there is our granddog.


She heads off into the center of the room, looking backwards once with a smile on her face.


David looks at Maddie, with a quizzical look on his face.


David:  What was that?  Your Mom have a cocktail or two on the plane?


Maddie:  No, she’s just happy to see us.  Wait till you make your announcement – she will nominate you for president.


David:  Think that would be a mistake?


Maddie:  Most decidedly.  Maybe secretary of fun and games….


David:  Is there really one of those?  Should be.


He pauses for a second.


David:  So….no pressure….but this announcement is taking on the proportions of “One small step for man…..


Maddie:  … giant leap for Addison-Hayes.  You’re going to be great – you’ll David it.


David:  Did you just use my name as a verb?


Maddie:  I did.  You’re going to David everything.  You’re going to speak from the heart, and pull it off with your usual aplomb.


David:  A plum?  Like Little Jack Horner?  I didn’t think we were having pie.


Maddie:  You goof.  You are going to do an outstanding job.


David:  From your lips to…….my lips.


He kisses her, lingering slightly.


David:  So when are all these people going home again?


Maddie:  Well, the sooner we get this show on the road, the faster the circus will leave town.


David nods his head at the guests.


David:  So has every one of them had the requisite two lines each?


Maddie:  I think so.  Maybe not Amy.


David:  That’s OK with me.  All right, come on, Honey bunny……or I guess that’s Honey and Bunny.  Let’s get this party started.




The pre-luncheon mingle

All seen through David’s POV


Cue Music.


Maddie and David walk into the room where all their friends and family are gathered, and just pause for a moment, looking at each other and smiling.  They both take deep breaths, and plunge in.


Maybe I’m amazed at the way you love me all the time

Maybe I’m afraid of the way I love you


Maddie kneels on the floor, playing with Miss Me, and Wally, laughing as the dog and boy both chase a ball.  Wally takes a flying leap towards Maddie, and David gasps, poised for action.  Maddie catches him, and pulls him to the floor, tickling him, as David heaves a sigh of relief.


Maybe I’m amazed at the way you pulled me out of time

And hung me on a line

Maybe I’m amazed at the way I really need you.


Maddie and David stand in a group with David’s dad, Stephanie, Rich and Amy.  Rich and Mr. Addison seemingly involved in a “can you top this?” discussion.  Mr. Addison puts his arms around Maddie’s shoulders, and goes into a soliloquy of thanks for inviting them.  His style and method of delivery are like a mirror image of David.  Maddie sneaks a peek at David, and shoots him a satisfied smile.


Baby, I’m a man, maybe I’m a lonely man

Who’s in the middle of something

That he doesn’t really understand


Agnes is standing in a group with all the women.  Stephanie has a needle and a string, which she swears she can use to predict the sex of Agnes’s baby.  Maddie creeps towards the outskirts of the group, almost as if the she is afraid the needle will have some sort of magnetic pull towards her abdomen.



Baby I’m a man, and maybe you’re the only woman

Who could ever help me

Baby, won’t you help me understand


The men are grouped together, discussing baseball and apple pie, as Maddie makes her way into the group.  She talks to each one of them, choosing just the right compliment for each, including David.  She walks out of the group, leaving six sets of eyes just staring after her, but none so mesmerized as David’s.



Maybe I’m amazed at the way you’re with me all the time

Maybe I’m afraid of the way I leave you


Maddie and David stand with her parents, chatting softly.  Alex companionably pats David on the back as he makes a point in conversation.  Maddie notices and a brilliant smile erupts on her face.  Virginia notices too, and her face lights up with happiness as well.


Maybe I’m amazed at the way you help me sing my song.

Right me when I’m wrong

Maybe I’m amazed at the way I really need you


Maddie takes the baby Melanie from Walter, and holds her in her arms.  David approaches, but stands back a moment, just watching Maddie with the baby.  David walks over to her and whispers in her ear.


David:  I wish I had a camera.


Maddie:  Every picture tells a story.


David:  That one looks like happily ever after.


He addresses the baby.


David:  Thank you, Melanie, for your stand-in performance.  We promise we won’t forget you when the new kid in town comes along.


Melanie starts to fuss.


David:  She mustn’t believe me.


Terri comes over, and takes the baby from Maddie.


Terri:  Think it’s time for a change.


David:  You can say that again.


Maddie giggles, and Terri smiles at them.  She walks off, cooing to the baby.


David turns his attention back to Maddie.


David:  Thank you.


Maddie:  For what?


David:  You name it.  For a million, things….for nothing…..for…


Maddie:  I get it.  Likewise to you, sir.


They kiss sweetly, then stand hand in hand, looking over the room.


Maddie: They all kind of sweet, kind of inspiring, kind of……..


A voice booms.


Mr. Addison:  So, when do we eat?


David:  Hungry!  Think we’d better feed them, while they are all still well behaved.  Hey, is there going to be alcohol at this shindig?


Maddie:  Wine and beer.


David:  Uh oh. 


Maddie:  It will be fine.


David:  Don’t let them drink so much that they will heckle me during my speech.  Where’s my dad sitting?


Maddie:  Right next to me. 


David:  Good plan, Hayes.  You’re experienced at keeping Addison males in line.  Well, shall we?


Maddie addresses the group.


Maddie:  Would you like to move into the dining room for lunch?


The group moves to the dining room.  Maddie looks at David, and smiles. 

Maddie:  Here goes nothing.


David:  Don’t talk that way about my speech.


She squeezes his hand.


David:  You know, there are a lot of secrets in that room.  Did you ever stop to think what would happen if they all had a total cleansing?


Maddie:  It’s kinda scary.  I’m not quite sure who we’ve told what about which parts of our lives anymore.


David:  Well, you know what they say….ain’t nobody’s bidness.  So are you ready for lunch, Ms. Hayes?


Maddie:  Absolutely Mr. Addison.  You knock ‘em dead now.


David:  Don’t tempt me…oh, don’t worry, they’re all safe…too many bodies to get rid of.


Arm in arm, they exit to the dining room.




The Hayes Addison Dining Room


All of the guests are seated around a long dining table.  We listen in on some companionable conversation.


Richie:  So big surprise, I really like it.   Driving a bus.  Well, a small bus.


He looks defensively at David.


Richie:  Yeah, you can say it.  It’s a short bus.  But I feel like I am doing something good, helping the disabled get out and do things – doctor’s appointments, shopping.


David:  I wasn’t saying a word.  I’m glad for you bro.  You’ve surely had some….shall we say…unconventional employment?  I’m glad you’ve found something you really like.


Richie gives him an “oh shucks” look.


David:  And how about you, Amy?


Amy:  My job at legal aid is great.  Very challenging and much different than corporate law.  I am doing a lot of women’s cases.  And Rich didn’t mention, we just put in a bid on a house.  Small, in a bit of a rural area, with some ground.


Richie:  Yeah, thinking of planting a garden.


David:  Now THAT I would pay to see……Mr. Greenjeans you ain’t.


Richie:  Hey, I’m from South Philly.  I can grow tomatoes anywhere.




Stephanie:  This is just delicious, Maddie.  Did you make it all yourself?


David guffaws….Maddie gives him the evil eye.


Maddie:  No Stephanie, we had a caterer.  As you can gather from David’s reaction, I’m not much of a cook.


David:  Well, in your defense, you did try to take cooking lessons once, but almost getting killed on the way home kinda put a damper on that.


There are several audible gasps…two in particular from Maddie’s Mom and Dad.


Maddie: (aside to David)  About those secrets.  Is it your intention to bring them all out into the open this evening?


She takes the bull by the horns.


Maddie:  David is exaggerating just a tad.  It was years ago….and it was really no big deal….probably just a food critic who was protesting my lumpy gravy.




Terri:  So Agnes, it’s not much longer now.


Agnes:  No, pretty soon.  We are now readying the environment in the house.


Stephanie:  You mean painting the nursery?


Agnes:  No, opening our chakras, adjusting the life force.


Alex:  So that’s what the …emmm, unusual music is?


Agnes:  We need to balance our energies, improve our consciousness.


David:  Bert, you are semi-conscious most of the time.  This should work well for you.


Bert makes sure Agnes is not watching him, then rolls his eyes at David.


Virginia:  Well, I’ve got to say, your home is certainly…..mystical.




Mr. Addison:  We’ve been thinking about it for a while.  So when David called and suggested we come for the weekend, Steph and I decided to go all out – Vegas…..five glorious days and nights.


Terri:  Oh that sounds like fun, Mr.  Addison.


Mr. Addison:  I haven’t been there in years and Steph’s never been.  Have you ever been to Vegas, Walter?


Walter almost chokes on his water, as his wife pounds on his back.  Maddie looks down the table, concerned, as he recovers.


Walter:  Yes, I’ve been there once.


Mr. Addison:  Did you hit the jackpot?


Walter exchanges looks with Maddie, and then smiles at Mr. Addison.


Walter:  Yes, I did….absolutely.


Walter winks at David.


Walter:  But a fool and his jackpot are soon parted.


Mr. Addison continues, not noticing a thing.


Mr. Addison:  Well, your loss is someone else’s gain.


Walter smiles.


Walter:  I’m certain of it.


David gives Walter a thankful look, and turns the mood.


David:  And with that, we conclude bad cliché hour.




There is a lull in the conversation.


Maddie:  Ok, my turn.  We are so grateful that you all could join us, for lunch today as well as for a Father’s Day barbecue on the patio tomorrow.  But we wanted to do something a little special for tonight.


Virginia:  A surprise, I love surprises.


Maddie:  Tonight we are all going to the theater.  I got us all tickets to the Broadway touring company production of “City of Angels”.


Alex:  Is that a play?


Agnes:  Oh no, it’s actually a musical.  It got great reviews when it played in New York.  It has a wonderful storyline, about detectives and writers, movies and intrigue.


Mr. Addison:  And the people in it sing and dance while telling this story?


A look down the table shows that the women are excited, and the men seem resigned.


Rich: (smugly)  Sorry, we can’t join you folks, but we are booked for dinner with Amy’s parents who are here on vacation.


David:  Maddie, look at those faces……you’d better let me come through with part two.


Maddie:  Please do.


David:  The theater gig is for the ladies.  You gentlemen will be going with me to Dodger Stadium, for an athletic contest between the Phillies and the Dodgers…..unless you’d rather go for the singing and dancing.


Mr. Addison:  No sir!  Woohoo…….who’s in the mood for a little wager?  Walter?


Walter:  I would be happy to make a bet, Dave, but I won’t be going to the game.  I’m not much of a baseball fan, so I will be the official baby and dog sitter for the evening.


Richie:  Amy?  Pleeeeeease?


Amy:  No, Rich, we are having dinner with my parents!


Mr. Addison:  Too bad, Rich and Walter.  No hotdogs and brew for you!


Walter:  I am very happy to stay home and give my wife a well deserved night out.


Teri leans over and kisses him on the cheek.


Terri:  My hubby….think I’ll keep him.


Mr. Addison:  So that’s Alex, David, Bert and I.  We’ll have to cheer louder.


Alex:  Sounds great.


Maddie:  Daddy, you could try and sound a little disappointed that you aren’t going to the theater.


Alex:  Sorry Maddie, but I slept on the plane.  You girls will have a lovely time, I’m sure.


Virginia:  Well, I think that this is very thoughtful of you two, Maddie and David.  I am certain it will be a lovely evening.


Maddie:  Fine and fun.


She looks at David.  He stands at the head of the table.


David:  Well, I guess it’s my turn.  This is a very interesting group of people gathered in one room.  Who would have ever thought that this group had anything in common at all?


Well, I will tell you something that just about everybody in this room had in common at one time or another, and that was the notion that I would probably, at some point, end up in a gutter, a jail or the French Foreign Legion.


Bert:  I was in the French Foreign Legion.


David:  Cheese it, Bert…that was a dream sequence.


He continues.


David:  One day, about nine years ago, a woman walked into my office……well, actually, her office.  She put me into a spin that was like nothing else that had ever happened in my life.  I think if she’s admitting the truth, she’d tell you that the spinning was mutual.


He smiles down at Maddie.


David:  We’ve worked together….we’ve been partners, and friends, and lovers, we’ve been not friends, and not lovers.  We’ve done richer and poorer and better and worse….sickness and health.  And the one thing we have realized is that life is just not living unless we are together.


He takes Maddie’s hand.


David:  Honey, we’ve been everything to each other.  Well….almost everything.  You are the love of my life.


He looks over the room.


David:  And you are the people who have supported and loved us.  So we would like to announce to you, that there’s one more part of everything yet to go for us.  Maddie and I are having a baby.


Simultaneously, Virginia, Terri, and Stephanie address their husbands.


Women:  You owe me ten bucks.


There are quite a few bemused expressions around the table.


Mr. Addison:  A baby?


Alex:  This is fantastic.  But it sure sounded like you were leading up to a w……..


Virginia quickly interrupts.


Virginia:  A wonderful, wonderful thing….we are going to be grandparents, Alexander!


Alex:  Yes, but what was all that richer and poorer stuff?


Virginia shushes him as the real news begins to sink in to everyone.


The room erupts in laughter and happiness.  Maddie is being hugged within an inch of her life, and David is thumped on the back.  There are happy tears, and kisses, and words of advice.  The grandparents-to-be bond, and congratulate each other.


Bert explains to Walter.


Bert:  Well, yes, Agnes and I knew, but it was essential for business purposes.  Miss Hayes and Mr. Addison really rely on us.  In fact, just a short while ago, we had a very interesting undercover assignment.


Walter looks around for an out.


Walter:  Ooops, sorry Bert, I think I hear my wife calling me.


Alex:  I am going to go check with the caterer.  I’m sure we’ve got some champagne around here somewhere.


In the midst of all the hubbub, David makes his way back to Maddie.


David:  So, how’d I do?


Maddie:  Well, you sure threw them off the track……and right towards the aisle.  You didn’t plan that, right?


David:  Hell, no.


David looks concerned.  Maddie gives him a kiss on the cheek.


Maddie:  I’m just teasing you.  That was just about the prettiest speech I have ever heard.  I love you, David.


They kiss.


David:  I love you two…too…both.


Alex walks around the room with glasses of champagne.


Alex:  May I propose a toast?  To my future grandchild’s parents.  And to a baby who will be very fortunate to grow up in the hands and hearts of such family and friends.


All:  Here, here!


David:  There, there!


He turns to Maddie……


David:  I don’t know why you were so worried about this….it turned out great.


Maddie grins at him, and at the room, as we….






~|~  ~|~  ~|~  ~|~  ~|~  ~|~  ~|~  ~|~ 






5:30 pm

The Hayes Addison Foyer


David stands in the doorway, looking out into the late afternoon sunshine.  He is casually dressed in jeans and a t-shirt, and has a Phillies’ cap jauntily perched on his head.


Outside the door, we catch the slightest glimpse of brightly colored dresses and the scent of feminine perfume lingers in the air.


David:  Bye ladies!  Have you all got your one dollar bills?  Seriously…no strip clubs, now!  Dinner, the show, and right home to bed.  Promise!


He closes the door and returns to the living room.


Alex, Dave Sr. and Bert are seated, exchanging small talk.


David:  Ok, those of the feminine persuasion have been dispatched with all due haste.  Packed them all into the bimmer for their trip to musical fantasyland.


Alex:  I wish I had a dollar for every one of those shows I’ve had to sit through in my lifetime…..


Comically, he exaggerates.


Alex:  Virginia just looooves the theater.


Mr. Addison:  Steph’s not so much a theater fan, but she loves country music.


The men groan in sympathy.


Bert:  Agnes likes all that new wave Yanni stuff – sounds like dogs howling!


David:  Maddie’s usually pretty good about not making me go to things I hate.  In fact, it was her suggestion that we do the separate boy/girl activities.


Mr. Addison:  That’ll change.


David:  God, I hope not.  We’ve kinda got a “her – no car shows, me – no symphony” pact.


Alex:  Maddie has always been a pretty smart cookie……pretty independent.


Bert:  Hope that cookie doesn’t crumble.  Agnes got a lot more into doing most things together after we got married.


All three men look at David who remains uncharacteristically silent.


Alex breaks the silence.


Alex:  Well, since my wife has threatened me within an inch of my life if I so much as mention weddings or marriage in this esteemed company, I shall adeptly change the subject.  Now, didn’t somebody say something about a baseball game? When do we leave?


David shoots a look at Alex, trying to read him


David: (to himself) Well played, Mr. Hayes.  While still reminding me that you have views on the subject of marriage in relation to your daughter, you have managed to make me feel supported…and bail me out of a conversation on Bert’s idiot remarks.


They share a look of mutual respect and understanding, then move on.


David:  We probably should leave in about forty five minutes.  It gets congested around the stadium.  Can I get anybody started on their first round of Milwaukee’s finest?


Alex:  I’ll wait till we get there.  But I did bring a change of clothes.


Bert:  I need to change as well.  Mr. Addison, where would you like me to go?


David:  I keep telling you, Bert….don’t leave those kinds of openings.


Bert looks puzzled.


David:  Never mind.  I think Maddie put the changes of clothes in our bedroom.  You can use the bathroom in there as well.  Alex, will the bathroom in the hall work for you?


Alex:  Just fine.  Come on, Bert, I’ll show you the way.


They exit up the stairs, leaving David and his father in the living room.


David:  Do you need anything, Dad?


Mr. Addison:  Nope, I’m OK.


There is a bit of uncomfortable silence, then Mr. Addison finally speaks.


Mr. Addison:  Quite a shindig today.


David:  Yeah, Maddie can always be counted on to pull things together to perfection.


He grins.


David:  I think it’s an affliction.


Mr. Addison:  I really like that woman.


David:  I know you do, Dad.


Mr. Addison:  And she is very good for you.


David:  That she is.


Another moment of silence.


Mr. Addison:  David, I need to say something here…..I’m not the smartest guy, but I know I’ve not always been the best father.


David:  Dad, you don’t have to……


Mr. Addison:  Yeah, I do.  Did you know, I really wasn’t too much older than you are now when we lost your mother?


He shakes his head a little sadly.


Mr. Addison:  Yeah, we started earlier back in those days.


David looks a bit surprised.


David:  I guess I never even thought about how old you were.


Mr. Addison:  I’ve been thinking about it all day.  I turned 38 years old the week we buried your mother.  Left alone to parent two teenaged boys, and with such a heart full of grief, I wasn’t sure which way was up.


David:  Dad…….


Mr. Addison:  Let me finish.  I didn’t know how to be a parent, not without your Mom.  She had always been the one who took care of it all.  She was amazing…and I missed her so much.  I tried David, honestly, I did.  But it was so hard.  I didn’t do so well.


David:  You did OK.


Mr. Addison:  I didn’t, and that is something I will always have to live with.   I avoided, I drank too much, I left you and your brother on your own too much.


David:  Look around….we turned out OK….even Richie….and the jury was out on him for a while.


Mr. Addison:  You’ve both turned out great....that’s a credit to you.


He is silent for a moment.


Mr. Addison:  And now, you’re having a baby. That’s a great gift.   Do you know what kind of a father you want to be?


David:  I think I do.


Mr. Addison:  Then be that kind of father.  Learn from what you have lived, and observed.  Don’t end up someday living with regret….feeling you owe apologies.


David:  You shouldn’t…you don’t.


Mr. Addison:  I heard someone once say that the most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother.  I think you’ve got that covered.


David:  And so did you, Dad.  I know that.


They share a bittersweet smile.


David:  Dad, can I ask you something?


Mr. Addison:  You don’t need money, do you?


David:  No, do you? (beat)  I do want to ask you something about Mom.  All I ever remember knowing is that she had cancer……but none of the details.


Mr. Addison:  She had ovarian cancer.  Twenty years ago, they were still learning about it.  By the time they discovered that she had it, there was no way to help her.


David:  You’re sure that’s what it was?


Mr. Addison:  Positive.  Why do you ask?


David:  Well, I need to be sure.  Do you know of any genetic disorders that run in the family?


Mr. Addison:  Genetic disorders?  No, none that I know of.  Is there a problem?  What’s bothering you, David?


David:  I guess I should have told you before this, but several years ago, Maddie and I lost a baby.  We weren’t really together at the time, but it was a bad situation.  And you know……. there was Tess and I…….I can’t let Maddie know that I am worried about this…..but it just scares me.  I don’t think we could survive if……


Mr. Addison:  Oh.  I didn’t realize…what does the doctor say?


David:  The doctor says there is no genetic reason why we lost the baby…..but I just can’t help thinking that lightning doesn’t strike twice without a reason.


Mr. Addison:  Is the doctor a good doctor?  Do you trust him?


David:  Her.  Yes, we trust her completely.  Maddie is very comfortable with her.


Mr. Addison: Then there’s only one thing left…


David:  Faith?


Mr. Addison:  You’ve got to have faith.


David:  That’s what everybody says.


David looks a bit sheepish.


David:  I pray every night.


Mr. Addison:  Don’t underestimate that.  And don’t underestimate the strength that you and Maddie have.  I watched you two today.  And I was so proud of you.  You’re gonna be great.


David:  Thanks Dad.


They stare at each other uncomfortably for a moment, then awkwardly hug.  They separate with much back pounding, and if you look closely, you might spy duplicate tears in the Addison green eyes.


Mr. Addison:  I am gonna be a hell of a lot better grandfather than I was a father.  My grandson will be…….


Alex and Bert enter the room, and catch the tail end of the sentence.


Alex:  Grandson?  Has that been determined?


Bert:  Mr. Hayes, it is far too early in the gestation period to determine the fetus’s gender.


David:  That’s a long no from the short one, Alex.  But he is correct.


Alex:  Well, of course we will be happy with either, but I’ve been imagining a little blonde haired girl stomping her foot and slamming the door.


David:  She’ll be home after the theater. 


Alex and David laugh.


David:  So, is everybody ready to go?


He is interrupted by the ringing of the telephone.  He walks to the table and answers it.


David:  Yellow……yes, this is he…….no……nope… can do……not possible…….I’ve got guests and we’re on the way to the baseball game……yeah, I know, you’re the client……..Ok…well, I guess there’s no other option….8:30?  All right, we’ll be there……yeah, I’m thrilled………goodbye.


David hangs up the phone, and shaking his head, looks at the men.


David:  We’ve got a little bit of a problem.  We are supposed to stake out a poker game for a client of ours – next weekend.  That was him, and they screwed up the date.  The poker game is tonight.  I’m so sorry, but Bert and I have to do this.  There’s a hefty fee riding on this case.  Would you two mind going to the ballgame by yourselves?


Alex:  Well, of course we can, but it won’t be the same.


Mr. Addison:  Bad luck son, but we understand, it’s business.


David:  I’m really sorry.  Bert, will you get O’Neill and Jergenson on the horn and have them meet us at about 8:15?


Bert:  Well, Mr. Addison, there may be a problem with that.  O’Neill and Jergenson are camping in Death Valley.


David:  Seriously?  Jergenson and O’Neill happen to be the only ones who DID have plans for this weekend?


Bert:  I guess so.


David:  And in Death Valley?  People go camping to a place called DEATH Valley?  And do Jergenson and O’Neill look like campers to you?  This has got to be a plot point.


Bert:  Well, they’re camping….that’s what I know.


David: (disgusted) This is perfect.  They are expecting four of us.  Where are we going to get two other undercover detectives to ……..


They are interrupted by a large AHEM…….


Alex and Dave Sr. are exchanging glances and grinning at each other.


Mr. Addison:  I’ve been to plenty of baseball games.  Never have been an undercover detective though.


David:  Oh no way….Maddie would skin me alive.


Alex:  David, you said something about a poker game.  What is involved in this undercover?


David:  It is pretty simple actually.  We just need to play poker, and try and get some information from the people we’re playing with.


Alex:  Is it dangerous?


David:  It shouldn’t be.  If we don’t tip our hands, we should be out of there with the information we need and the guys we are playing with should be none the wiser.


Alex:  So you just need two poker playing stooges.


Mr. Addison:  Reporting for duty.


David runs his fingers through his hair, clearly frustrated.


David:  Arrrgh!  It’s such a bad idea.  You’re not licensed.  A hundred things could go wrong.


Mr. Addison:  Son, you worry too much.  What kind of guys are these?


David:  I haven’t met the guys we are surveilling yet, but they sound to me like the Mahoney Brothers from the old neighborhood. 


Mr. Addison:  Working people…..folks I deal with every day.  We got this, son.


Bert:  Sorry to interrupt, Mr. Addison, but what choice do we have?  We’ve got about two hours.


David:  Maddie’s gonna hate this.


Alex:  I’ll try and help you with that.


David mutters.


David:  Bad, bad, bad…….


He makes a decision.


David:  All right……but we’re gonna go over this very carefully, and you two have to follow the script.  No funny stuff…no heroics…..right, Dad?

Mr. Addison: (matter of factly) Yep… So that’s that.  Now I need to get changed.


David:  You were dressed for a baseball game, but not for a poker game?


Mr. Addison: Leave it to me, son.  I’ll be right back.


He exits up the stairs.  David looks at Alex, and Bert.


David:  Alex…..Mr. Hayes…..?


Alex:  I promise you, David, we’ll be no more than sitting dummies. 


David:  I think I’m the dummy.  I need a promise from you.


Alex:  I’ll do what I can.


David:  If Maddie kills me, make sure my kid knows I did my best!


Alex laughs.


Alex:  That’s a deal.


He puts his arm around David’s shoulders.


Alex:  Now let’s talk strategy.


David, Sr. walks back into the room.  He is wearing a plaid shirt, and a plaid pair of pants, each in a…shall we say, different plaid family.  He sports a straw fedora, with yet a different plaid band around it.  He looks like he just strolled off a tour bus at the L.A. Farmer’s Market.


Even Bert rolls his eyes at the get-up.  Mr. Addison sees the looks, and responds.


Mr. Addison:  Trust me, son, I know exactly what I am doing.


David holds his head, and we…


Fade out.



Scene 2


A non descript basement room


The room is obviously set up for a poker game.  Two round tables, with six chairs each. Each table has a pile of decks of cards, and racks of chips in the center.


Against the wall, there is a six foot table with deli trays, chips and pretzels.  At the end there is a cooler, with a glass door.  It holds a large variety of beers, and a symbolic representation of soft drinks.


As David, Bert, Alex and Dave enter, they see the Bonomo brothers, talking with a group of four.


Mario approaches David, hand outstretched.


Mario:  Mr. Addison, sorry for the mix-up.  Glad you could make it.


David:  Well….if the shoe were on the other foot……


He smiles.


David:  This is my…..crew….some friends, some coworkers……you know Bert.


Mario:  Buona serra, Herberto.


David:  And this is Dave, and Alex.


Mario seems mesmerized by Mr. Addison’s outfit.


Mario:  Welcome to our friendly little game, gentlemen.  I’ve placed you at the table with my cousins.  Hope you can get what we need.


David:  All under control, Mr. Bonomo.  Is our cover the same?  No surprises?


Mario:  I’ve told my cousins you are a friend of a friend, and I felt obligated to invite you into the game.  That should give you an opening.


David:  We’ll do what we can.


Two men enter the room.  They are large men, who appear well suited to physical work.  They each have faces sprinkled with freckles, and bright red hair.


Mario:  Here they are now.  I’ll bring them over.


He walks towards the men, and begins to converse with them.


David starts to whisper furiously.


David:  Remember….all by the plan.


Mr. Addison:  Calm down, sport.  It’s all well in hand.


David:  Yeah…..and also don’t forget, the money you’re gambling with is the office petty cash.  Let’s try to keep the betting under control!


Mr. Addison:  Gotta make it real, son!


David:  Now Dad…..


He breaks off as he sees Mario and his cousins approaching.


Mario:  David, I’d like to introduce you to my cousins, Sean and Patrick.


David:  Pleasure, gentlemen.


Handshakes are exchanged.  Sean and Patrick look curiously at the group, sizing up the competition.


Sean: (laughing a bit) You guys are at our table.  Say goodbye to your cash.


Mr. Addison:  Yeah, we’ll just……


His voice trails off after a look from his son.


Alex:  Always looking for a good game.


Patrick:  Help yourselves to your choice of brew, and let’s get this party started.


David:  I’ll grab the beer, you guys sit down and do the introductions.


Bert:  Well, I’m Bert.  I’m a cousin of a friend of your cousins.


Sean:  That sounds complicated.  Good to meet you, Bert.  What do you do for a living? 


Bert:  I own a small shoe repair business.


Patrick:  Must be nice being in business for yourself.


Bert:  Has its good and bad points. Sometimes, I’d like to have a little extra money backing me up.  Most people don’t repair shoes any more…just toss them and get new.  Nobody buys good shoes anymore.


Sean:  That’s debatable.  So who are your friends here?


Bert nods his head towards Alex.


Bert:  This is Alex.


Alex:  Pleasure, gentlemen.


Bert:  And this is Dave.


Sean looks at Dave curiously.


Sean:  Nice to meet you, fellas.  Nice threads, Dave.


Mr. Addison:  I am a connoisseur of plaid.


David walks up to the table, overhearing the last bit of conversation.


David:  You are a persecutor of plaid…..each one is trying to escape from the others.


He distributes the beers, as the table chuckles.


Patrick:  Didn’t catch your name, friend.


David:  I’m David……want to thank you for letting us into your game.


Sean:  Well any friend of our cousins……..


David interrupts.


David:  Oh, we’re not friends.   Met them through a business acquaintance.  Guy was busy tonight, thought maybe your cousins could keep us amused tonight.  No amusement better than a good poker game, huh?


Murmurs from the others….”damn straight… poker… game ever.”


David:  So give us the skinny, fellas…how do you play your game?  Any special “rules” we should know?


Patrick:  Plain old down and dirty poker.  Hundred dollar buy in.  Dealer calls the game.  No sissy stuff.


Alex chimes in.


Alex:  Fixed limits?


Sean:  Hell no, Grandpa……the sky’s the limit.


Alex is startled by how he has been addressed…..then, trying the title on in his head, smiles at the table.


Alex:  My kind of game.


Patrick:  So, everybody in the pool.  I swap each of you a c-note for chips.  Hey you, plaid guy.….why don’t you open up a deck or two of those cards and get shuffling?


Mr. Addison opens a deck, starts to shuffle and card fly all over the table.


Mr. Addison:  Sorry… slippery little suckers.


David looks at him, trying to figure out what he is doing.  His father knows how to shuffle a deck of cards.


David:  Give them to me….I’ll deal first.


He makes a show of fancy shuffling, then starts to deal.


The room settles down to the business of playing serious poker.  In the background, there is the constant clinking of chips, slapping down of cards, and the banter that goes along with a man’s game…….muttered oaths, challenges, laughter, and victorious bravado.


While the play goes on, the men converse.


David:  So, I understand you are in business with your cousins?


Patrick:  Yes, in the imported shoe business.


Bert:  Imported shoes.  I really enjoy imported shoes.  I have spent many happy hours searching for just the right wingtip….


Alex:  Well, if clothes do make the man, shoes complete the picture.


Patrick:  Are you two gay?


Bert sputters.


Bert:  Gay?


Patrick:  Gay….light in the loafers, to coin a phrase.  I never heard anybody make such a fuss about shoes.


Bert:  I was just trying to show my appreciation for your occupation.


 He mumbles…


Bert:  Certainly not gay…..I’m going to be a father.


Patrick:  Congrats….but seriously pal, get over the shoe fetish.  It’s not very manly.


Alex:  So you are in the shoe business, but have no real interest in shoes?


Sean:  The only things we actually see are the boxes.  We work with…ha!…more like for our cousins….but we certainly don’t dress pretty and travel to Europe.


Patrick:  We do the grunt work – importing the stock, delivering it to the warehouse, and distributing it to the stores.  Mario and Luigi are in the “cleaner” side of the business……they wear nice clothes, they travel and do the buying.


David:  And you’d like to be in that side of the business?


Sean:  Hell no, just wish that the profits were split a little more fairly.  So what do you do, Dave?


David:  I’m sort of an entrepreneur.  I invest in what I think might be lucrative businesses…….things that look promising, and will enable me to make some real money fast.


Alex:  And I’m his accountant.  I keep him “honest”.


David:  Hahaha……tough job, I must admit.


Mr. Addison:  I call.  Two pair, aces over jacks.


Patrick:  Pot’s yours, buddy.  Nice hand.  What business did you say you’re in?


Mr. Addison:  I didn’t.  But I run a chain of discount shoe stores in Encino.  Named “Junior’s”….was hoping my son would come into the business.


Sean:  And he didn’t?


Mr. Addison:  Nope…didn’t want to limit himself – he always had bigger fish to fry.


David:  All right, Dad… need to get into that here.


Patrick:  He’s your Dad?


David:  If your dad dressed like that, would you admit it?


Mr. Addison:  Thanks a lot, Mr. Big Shot.  I may dress differently than you, but I make a good living.


David:  You’re a sap.  You could be doing so much more.


Alex drags in a pot with three sevens.


Alex:  Baby needs new shoes…….


He seems amused at himself….the others roll their eyes.


Mr. Addison:  So tell me, Mr. Know-it-all, what would your idea be?


David:  Lower your costs, your overhead.  Sell better quality merchandise for cheap…..instead of that knock-off Payless crap you peddle.


He looks around the table.


David:  Isn’t that right, Sean?  Patrick?  Aren’t there ways to, shall we say, work a deal?


Sean:  There is always a way to work a deal.  What do you have in mind?


Mr. Addison lays down an Ace high straight and pulls in the chips.


Patrick:  Hey, Sean, we’re getting skunked.  Pay attention.


Sean:  I am paying attention…..I’m listening to what David here has to say.


David:  Well, does anything ever….shall we say…fall off the back of your trucks?  I’m thinking, highly discounted merchandise….maybe 15 cents on the dollar?


Patrick:  Maybe 20?


Something is just not right.  David’s instincts sit up and take notice.


Sean stands up at the table, and raises himself to his full height.


Sean:  Where the hell did you get the idea that we were dirty?  Just ‘cause we do the physical work doesn’t mean we are on the take.


He looks over at the other table.


Sean:  Mario, you idiot, is this a set up?  Are you trying to set us up?


He looks back at David.


Sean:  You better start talking, pal.


Before David can speak, Luigi speaks.


Luigi:  There is something funny about the books.  You’re as dirty as a miner before his Saturday night bath.


Sean:  If there is something funny about the books, you two are the culprits.   Now what are you trying to do, send stooges in here to try and set us up, so that you can get our share of the business cheap?


Mario stands, but starts to stutter.


Sean:  Shut up, you jackass.  I’ll knock you right on your Armani clad keister.


He turns back to his table.


Sean:  So who’s the leader here?  What are you, private dicks?


Mario:  Yes, they are.


David:  Well, some of us are.  And we’re not trying to set you up….just to find out what you’re really made of.


Sean addresses David.


Sean:  You, my friend, have been had.  If anyone is milking this business dry, it is them.  I have had private detectives on these two bozos for more than six months…..and the amounts of money they have embezzled from this company would have kept me warm in my old age.  Instead, they face the very real possibility of going to prison.


Mario:  You wouldn’t…you couldn’t.


Sean:  Half right, half wrong – I could…but I wouldn’t.  And you know why?  Because we are family.  Because we have the same blood running through our veins.


Luigi:  What are you going to do?


Patrick steps in.


Patrick:  Well, first I think I might pop you one, you pompous twit.


Luigi:  Any time, any place.


He turns towards his cousin, blood in his eye.


Alex casually extends his foot into Luigi’s path, and he goes flying.


David and Mr. Addison grab him and hold him back.


Luigi:  Ow, that hurt.


Patrick:  You think that hurt?  Good thing you didn’t run into my fist.  God, I hate you two jerks.  Always treating us like we are too stupid and uncouth to let out in public.


Luigi:  If the shoe fits….


Patrick lunges for him….but Sean steps in front of his brother to deter him.


Sean:  Pat – chill!  Take a breath.  We’ve got the upper hand here.  Maybe we should just forget about being nice and just bring in the cops.


All the men, to a man, shout:   “NO!”


Sean:  Then everybody’s gonna shut up and listen, this is the deal! We’re going to sit down with a bunch of lawyers and work this thing out.  We’re gonna find a legit accountant……


He looks at Alex.


Sean:  You’re not really an accountant, are you?


Alex shakes his head.


Sean:  You do kinda look like an accountant.  Well, we’re gonna find a legit accountant, and we’re gonna work this out fair and square.  Any more questions?


Mario and Luigi both shake their heads somewhat mollified.


Patrick:  And another thing, you two are paying the bill for this group from…..


He looks at David.


David:  Blue Moon.


Patrick:  Well, Mr. Blue Moon.


David:  Addison.


Patrick:  Addison, then.  Addison, I would send a very large bill….and I will make sure these two pay it pronto.  They owe you that much for trying to play you for fools.


David:  Nobody better say….”if the shoe fits” now.


Mr. Addison speaks.


Mr. Addison:  I’ve got a question.


Sean:  Are you Addison too?


Mr. Addison:  David Addison, Senior.  I own Seaside Fish in Philadelphia.


Sean:  What’s your question, fishman?


Mr. Addison:  Well, I would just like to think we could end this evening on a good note, by putting all our differences aside and playing out this one last hand.


He waves the cards in his hand.


Patrick looks stern. 


Patrick:  I think not.


Mr. Addison:  But I have the biggest fullest boat I have ever had in my life…….the best hand ever.


Sean:  Talk to the guys who hired you.  We’re out of here.  But never fear, cousins, we’ll be in touch.  And now, we’re in the catbird seat.  Don’t you forget it.


Sean and Patrick laugh as they walk out the door.


Our four aces exchange looks.


David:  Well, well well, a clear case of who’s zooming who….


Alex:  Clear?  Really?  Do things always end up this way?


David makes a face at the camera.


David:  Sadly, more often than you think.


Bert:  Another entry into the curious case files of Blue Moon.


Mr. Addison:  All I want to know is, who’s cashing out our chips?


He looks expectantly at the Bonomo brothers, as we…….






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Sunday Evening

The Hayes/Addison Foyer


Maddie and David stand looking out the front door, arms around waists.  They wave and smile.


Maddie:  Bye, we love you.  Thanks for coming.


David:  Safe trip!


We hear the sound of a car leaving, and they turn towards the interior of the house.


They both speak at once.


Maddie:  Thank God!    David:  Thank God!


Holding hands, they slowly saunter.  David heads towards the living room, while Maddie determinedly pulls him towards the stairs.


David:  Where ya going, Hayes?  Aren’t we on cleanup detail?


Maddie:  Cleanup will keep.  I can’t even think of doing anything else but climbing these stairs.


David:  Two minds with but a single thought.


Maddie:  You wish…I’m exhausted.  I thought we could go upstairs  -- relax, breathe, debrief a little.


David’s eyes light up and he starts to pull her up the stairs.


David:  I debrief you?  You debrief me?  Either way, I’m in.


Maddie:  Leave it to you.


David:  Speaking of debriefing…I just want to make sure.  You’re not considering expanding to granny panties, are you?


Maddie:  I’m not having an underwear conversation with you tonight.


David:  Why not…what could be thong with that?


They reach the top of the stairs.


David:  Anyway, as far as I’m concerned, conversation is optional – although you might throw in a little “David, David, David” in that breathless voice.


Maddie:  Keep it up and you’re going to be breathless – I’m going to choke you.


David:  I’m leaving that line alone, like the good boy that I am.


They enter the bedroom, and David stops in his tracks.  On the wall, listing a little to one side, is the picture of Maddie he had put in the closet on Friday night.


David walks over and carefully straightens the picture, then turns to Maddie.


David:  What happened, no poker playing dogs available?


Maddie:  I know a few poker playing goofballs that I could frame and hang.


David:  You avoiding the subject, Madolyn?


Maddie is a little self conscious.


Maddie:  No…….well, if you want the picture there, there is no reason why you shouldn’t have it.  It’s your home too.


David:  It is…and I do, but you also get that although I like it there, I don’t want it there unless you do.


Maddie:   It’s fine, it’s growing on me.


David:  It looks nice.  Thank you.


He kisses her cheek.


Maddie:  The decorator would probably hate the idea, but I was thinking that maybe that wall might make a nice place for a grouping of family pictures.


David looks almost horrified.


David:  That wall?  Have you looked at the proximity of that wall to that piece of furniture?


He indicates the bed.


David:  Not sure I am interested in performing for an audience.  Particularly the old folks at home.


Maddie:  Valid point.  We’ll find someplace in the hall for the rogue’s gallery!


David:  So how about we take a load of? 


He plumps and pushes pillows against the headboard, and plops himself down, holding out his arms. He reaches to the bedside table and clicks the remote, and music surrounds, but does not intrude.  Maddie settles in against him, sighing contentedly.


Maddie:  It feels good to get off my feet.


David:  Am I allowed to ask how you’re feeling?


She kisses him on the nose.


Maddie:  I’m a little tired, but it’s a good tired.  I am really happy with how the weekend went.


David:  The whole weekend?


Maddie:  Every little bit.


David:  I would have bet the dog and the farm that you would have scalped me for taking my dad and yours with us last night.


Maddie:  That’s a lot of scalp.


He gives her a sour look.


Maddie:  When I saw how absolutely tickled our dads were with the whole thing, I guess I couldn’t be mad.


David:  They did good too……we’ve got an extra hundred bucks in the petty cash fund.


Maddie:  Listening to your Dad today was priceless.  I laugh just thinking about him….dressing up and acting like a dork.  He really planned that…. thought he was playing a role?


David:  He wanted to.  His idea.


Maddie:  He’s your father, all right. 


David:  He really wasn’t wrong.  They did underestimate him….he walked away with the big bucks.


Maddie:  You sound almost proud.


David:  I wouldn’t go that far.


Maddie:  Something happened between the two of you this weekend, didn’t it?


David:  Maybe a meeting of the minds, however mediocre they might be.  Or maybe impending fatherhood is making me soft.


Maddie:  Yeah, soft and squooshy…that’s you all right.


David moves his arms to envelope her stomach.


David:  You too, kiddo.


They smile.


Maddie:  Well, I really enjoyed the whole weekend.  Yesterday was nice, but today was even better.  It was casual and fun…everybody sharing stories and laughs.


David:  Gotta admit…when you’re right, you’re right.  Funny, after spending so many years here in LA, being my own island….it’s nice to know we’re part of an archipelago.


Maddie:  Impressive.


David:  A large archipelago…and each component of said grouping had the good sense to drift back to its own longitude and latitude after 48 hours.


Maddie:  I have a feeling we are going to be seeing a whole lot more of them in the future.


David:  That’s OK too.


Maddie:  Um hmmmm.


David:  You didn’t talk much about your night out with the girls.


Maddie:  It was fun.  I just enjoyed seeing them enjoy it so much.  But I did like the show….and you would have too.


David:  You think?


Maddie: Well, it’s about a writer, and his fictitious alter ago, a charming detective, and they both have a weakness for beautiful women.


David:  The plot thinnens.


Maddie:  They have some crazy escapades, and end up pulling together to make each of their dreams come true.


David:  Do they…does he…have a girl?


Maddie:  Of course, a beautiful girl with a heart of gold.


David:  And how does it end?


Maddie:  With a Hollywood ending of course!   And the whole cast singing a wonderful song called “I’m Nothing Without You.”  It made me think of you.


David:  You really think that way?  You’re nothing without me?  How sweet.


Maddie:  Hell, no.


David is a little confused.


David:  Thought this was starting out as a compliment…..must have missed the left handed part.


Maddie:  Were you fishing for compliments?  Of course I’m something without you.  Always have been.  I’m just not sure that I want to be anything without you.


He smiles.


David:  I can live with that.


Maddie:  I like the words.


She sings softly.


I'm nothing without you
No hero
A zero

That's me
With you by my side
There's no better guide 
On how to be all I can be

I'm nowhere without you
To doubt you is where I went wrong
The script calls for fusing and using our smarts

And greatness can come from the sum of our parts
From now I'm with you
And with you is where I belong


David:  That song is a duet.


Maddie: Actually, it’s for a trio.


David:  So hurry up, little Bunny.  You better be able to sing harmony.


Maddie:  That’s a perfect word….that is what we had this weekend – harmony.


David:  Who’d’ve thunk it?


Maddie:  Being part of a family…and starting a family…we’re…


Her voice fades….she is almost asleep.


David finishes her thought.


David:  We’re blessed.


Maddie whispers softly.


Maddie:  Happy Father’s Day, David.


He holds her close, as music plays.



Hey you, you're a child in my head
You haven't walked yet
Your first words have yet to be said
But I swear you'll be blessed

I know you're still just a dream
Your eyes might be green
Or the bluest that I've ever seen
Anyway you'll be blessed

And you, you'll be blessed
You'll have the best
I promise you that
I'll pick a star from the sky
Pull your name from a hat
I promise you that
I promise you that

Promise you that
You'll be blessed

I need you before I'm too old
To have and to hold
To walk with you and watch you grow
And know that you're blessed

And you, you'll be blessed
You'll have the best
I promise you that
I'll pick a star from the sky
Pull your name from a hat
I promise you that
Promise you that

 You’ll be blessed.


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Music Credits:


Friday on My Mind

Music and lyrics by George Young and Harry Varda, performed by The Easybeats


The Addams Family Theme Song (sic) –

Music and Lyrics by Vic Mizzy


Maybe I’m Amazed –

Music and Lyrics by Paul McCartney, Performed by Paul McCartney


I’m Nothing Without You –

Music by Cy Coleman, Lyrics by David Zippel, Performed by the Original Broadway Cast of “City of Angels” – I can’t find a great clip of this song….but so you can get the style of the music,I am giving you a clip from the 1990 Tony awards, in which a reprise of the melody, with different words is found.


Blessed –

Music by Elton John, Lyrics by Bernie Taupin, Performed by Elton John


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This episode is my love letter to David Addison – one of the most endearing characters ever to be brought to life on the small screen.  David being David is one of my very favorite things on earth, and I have spent many happy hours watching him.  Hope he is truly happy in our Virtual universe.


David being David would not have happened at all without the talents of the wonderful Bruce Willis, an amazing actor and an amazing man.  Bless you Chief.


Yes, Maddie, Agnes, Bert and all the other ML folks…I love you too, as well as the wonderful people who portray you so well, but this episode belongs to David – he deserves it.


GGC, thank you for finding David in the corners of your genius mind, and bringing him to all of us.


Thanks to Sue, Jen, Connie, and especially Lizzie…..I just adore doing this with you!  This season is like a dream come true.


And thanks to those of you who read, and appreciate, and comment….welcome to our world, and thanks for being here with us!


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Comments always welcome.