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You can’t touch this!

You can’t touch this!

You can’t touch this!


MC Hammer’s Can’t Touch This thumps loudly through a popular LA fitness facility. A sweaty, over developed bodybuilder grunts and growls as he lifts a heavily weighted barbell above his head. He lets it drop to the floor with a crash. His trainer slaps him a high five and hands him a bottle of water and a towel.




A man enters the men’s locker room, wiping sweat off of his face. He goes to a locker, dials the combination lock, and commences to undress. Other men have dressed and left, leaving the locker room quieter than usual. He wraps another towel around his waist and turns to go to a shower stall.


A locker room attendant with coke bottle glasses pushes a cleaning cart, eyeing him and his locker from beneath a large baseball cap. He pushes his cart in front of the row of lockers and stops.




Yo! I told ya’ you can’t touch this…


A class of fifteen to twenty women of different ages, sizes and shapes moves in sync. The class instructor shouts aerobic dance steps and motivation as the group flashes across the gym floor. A rainbow of the latest fitness fashion goes with them…bright colored leg warmers over hosiery with matching leotards and headbands. Splotches of sweat threaten to seep through their fitness vogue.




A view of the entire facility where a large mass of people work to keep up with three dozen treadmills, stationary bikes, various weight machines and the occasional elliptical. On one side several rows of enthusiasts balance on large inflated balls colored blue, pink, silver, red and green. They roll and crunch their abs…some better balanced than others.




The man in the locker room stands in a steamy shower with his eyes closed, shampooing and water sliding down his face. We see his hand turn off the water, grab his towel hanging on a hook and throw it over his face and head, drying himself while on the move.


You can’t touch this!

You can’t touch this!




The camera catches…or we notice…that attention is drawn to the center of the gym. A young woman dressed in black, tight fitting cropped leggings flaunts across the floor. Her white sports bra struggles to contain its contents. She has long bleached blond hair tied in a high ponytail with a bright colored band. Her sexy toned arms, the tops of her firmly supported breasts and rock-hard abs are a golden brown. She makes a show of strutting to a drinking fountain where she juts her firm round buns out and bends over to get a drink. All of the men are entranced…some of the women can be seen rolling their eyes.


We see an older, gray-haired gentleman, seemingly intoxicated by the backside view of the blonde. He loses his footing slightly on a treadmill.  His wife, also slightly gray-headed, continues her stroll on her own treadmill next to him.


Wife: (not missing a beat) Oh for Pete’s sake George! Quit tripping over your tongue!


You can’t touch this!

You can’t touch this!

You can’t touch this!


The bombshell wipes water from her chin with the back of her perfectly manicured hand. She grabs a towel from a shelf and makes her way to an office door where her male counterpart, a dark-headed trainer sporting a shirt with the gym logo, greets her with a smile.


A locker room attendant with a long black ponytail tied under her cap pushes a supply cart, watching the gym owner and the woman laugh and joke. People brush by her, tossing their sweaty towels into her dirty towel bag hanging on the side. She frowns as the gym owner closes his office door.


The rest of the men in the gym carry on…the show is over.




The man in the locker room has exited the shower, his towel tied around his waist. A group of men enter the locker room joking and laughing.


He stands in front of his locker and it’s the first time we can actually see his face. He looks a lot like Brad Pitt…because he is Brad Pitt!  Pulling the door open, he sees all of its contents are gone…


He looks around the locker room to see if anyone notices his predicament…


Pitt: What the hell?!


You can’t touch this!








Blue Moon




Familiar theme music plays as dozens of people walk quickly through the lobby of Century City Plaza carrying briefcases, coffee and newspapers. Some greet each other with smiles and good mornings…others take the last drags of their mid-morning cigarettes before heading to their offices…and others look ready to pounce through elevator doors as soon as they open. And they do.


Maddie and David can be seen in one as people push their way inside, interrupting a discussion between them and pushing them to the back corner of the elevator. A large man with a bulging leather bag slung over his shoulder scrunches David closer to Maddie.


He leans down and speaks softly in her ear.


David: You left her all of the numbers, right?


Maddie: (checks her watch, whispers) Yes, but Ellie is sometimes fussy right before her morning nap. I can’t remember if I told Sunny about that. I should probably call her as soon as I get in the office.


The elevator stops several times and people shift and move to let others off. Each time the door opens we can see Maddie and David shift with them, trying to continue their discussion. Finally, two pairs of familiar looking shoes quickly step off the elevator on the twenty-second floor.


David: (grabbing Maddie’s arm) Whoa-ho-ho! Take it easy there, pahdnuh! No need to go stampeding into Blue Moon your first day back.


They pause in the hallway.


Maddie: (on the verge of tears) David, I just want to call home and check in. I feel like I’ve abandoned our little Bunny…


David: You’ve done no such thing. And Ellie knows that. She’s going to be fine. Everything is going to be just fine. Now c’mere.


He wraps his arm around her as they forge ahead into this new parenting territory and enter Blue Moon. She checks her watch again…and David does the same, unbeknownst to Maddie.


The office employees, led by Herbert and Agnes, have taken their places just inside the door.




A flurry of confetti is thrown. A huge Welcome Back sign hangs on the window blinds and helium-filled balloons float on the ceiling. Agnes hands Maddie a bouquet of fresh flowers and gives her a hug.


Agnes: You look terrific Ms. Hayes! Motherhood has treated you well, I think!


Maddie: Thank you Agnes. And thank you everyone for all of your hard work while I’ve been away. It’s good…it’s nice to be back on a more regular basis.


The women gather around her and start firing questions about babies, being a mother and if it was hard to come back to work.


David: All right, ladies, all right! You can carry on with your little hen party, but I’ve got things to do. So before the boss starts slamming doors, I’d best get to it!


He gives them all a wink and goes inside his office.


Maddie: Well, I suppose I should get busy as well. Agnes, any messages that I need to follow up with? Has Mr. Addison turned in any receipts for billing this month?


Agnes: Just a few messages from last week, Ms. Hayes, and Mr. Addison is all up to date on receipts. We’ve all been busy bees around here. He spent most of last week getting ready for your return so you might not have a whole lot to do right away.


Maddie: (gazes at David’s office door) Well, that doesn’t surprise me at all, Agnes. He’s really been terrific.


They make their way into Maddie’s office.


Agnes: (nods) Bert was the same way. They say new motherhood is a powerful thing, but no one ever really talks about how fatherhood affects a new dad. Herbert has been terrific too, but he was a nervous wreck when I started back to work.


Maddie: And how were you, Agnes? You first day back, I mean?


Agnes: Oh, I was a mess, for sure. I just tried to not show it around him. But, if I had to do it over, I wouldn’t hide it so much, you know? I mean, everyone knows it’s hard. 


Agnes sees Maddie’s conflict written all over her.


Agnes: You know Ms. Hayes, Mickey has thrived in day care, even though he was a little sick at first. But all of his teachers really love him and he’s happy there. That’s all that really matters, right? Happy babies make happy mothers is what I always tell myself.


They share a smile.


Maddie: Thanks Agnes. I know Ellie is going to be just fine. I just didn’t realize how hard this would be!


Agnes: Well, can I get you anything else? Do you have a vase for the flowers?


Maddie: Yes, I think I do. No, that’s all, Agnes. I suppose I should try to make the day productive. Let’s hope a case or two comes our way today!


Agnes: Okay, then, I’ll leave you to it then.


Maddie: Thanks again, Agnes.


She turns to leave, starts to say something else, but thinks twice as she sees Maddie pull a picture frame out of her purse and place it on her desk. She smiles knowingly and leaves, softly closing the door behind her.


Maddie fills a vase with water from the bathroom and puts the flowers in it. She catches her reflection in the mirror, grabs a tissue and wipes a tear from her cheek. And then checks her watch. And with a sigh of resolution, she goes to the phone and dials.


A busy signal…


She hangs up, fiddles with a pen…and then dials again. Busy! Frustrated, she punches the button and hangs up the receiver. Then, staring at the phone she picks it up again….


Maddie: Third time’s the charm…


She dials, punching the last number emphatically.


It rings and a smile appears on her face.


Sunny: Hayes-Addison residence.


Maddie: Sunny! This is Maddie!


She picks up the new picture she brought for her desk and thumbs Ellie’s little smiling face.


Sunny: Ah! Maddie! I just got off the phone with David!


Maddie: (leaning back in her chair) You did, huh?


Sunny: Yes! And I’ll tell you the same thing I told him. Everything is fine. Little Ellie is sleeping soundly and will be ready for a stroll after lunch. There’s no need to worry. I promise everything is fine.


Maddie: I know. I guess I just needed to hear one other person say it this morning.


A quick knock is heard at the door and David appears. He sees Maddie smiling and saunters over to the edge of her desk.


Sunny: Calls are fine, but if I don’t answer, assume Miss Ellie is busy going about her day so you two can do the same.


Maddie eyes David.


Maddie: Yes, I suppose that is the whole reason we have you, Sunny. And we certainly don’t doubt that Ellie is in good hands. It’s just first day jitters, I suppose.


Sunny: Yes, well all is well and uh….Bunny and I look forward to seeing you later today!


Maddie smiles at hearing her refer to Ellie as Bunny. She eyes David, knowing he’s the one who spilled the beans.


Maddie: Okay, kiss Bunny for me. I’ll let you go now.  And I’ll check back later.


A “caught” look crosses David’s face.


Sunny: Of course, Maddie, of course, if David doesn’t beat you to it! Now you two enjoy your day! Good-bye now!


Maddie: Good-bye.


She hears the click of the line and holds the phone to her chest a moment.


David: I was just coming in here to give you a report on the home front. Should’ve known you’d beat me to it!


David takes the receiver from her and places it on its cradle. He knows this day is hard for her.


A beat…


David: I think what we need is a good case to jump-start your first day back.


Maddie:  Yeah, what did you have in mind?


David: Well, nothing in particular, but you just wait because this is the part in ACT I where Agnes comes in with a client, we discuss…yada, yada, yada, yes, no, yes and ba-bing! (he snaps his fingers) we get neck deep in something!


Maddie: Oh yeah! I thought that didn’t happen until ACT II? I’m out of practice…


David: Not from where I’m sitting. (Smiles)


A beat…


David: (shrugs) ACT II, ACT I…


There’s a knock on the door.


David and Maddie: Good ol’ Agnes.


David turns to see Agnes entering with a large muscular man a few years younger than him. We see he is the same man that greeted the blonde bombshell in the gym. He’s wearing a black pullover shirt that stretches across his massive pectorals. Two buttons at the top are no way near being buttoned because his neck and chest are too thick. His black wind pants have three white stripes down both legs and he sports the latest elite running shoes. His dark hair is slicked back and the veins on his arms pulse with “machoism.” His six-pack abs…or possibly eight… need no sucking in.


Standing tall to greet him, David clears his throat…


Hitches his pants up slightly…


And sucks in his gut.




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Scene II

Maddie’s office

Same morning


Agnes: Mr. Addison? Ms. Hayes? This is Mr. DaVain. He doesn’t have an appointment, but I thought you might like to speak with him. Is now a good time?


David: Now would be the perfect time, Agnes!


David extends a hand and Mr. DaVain shakes firmly. A slight grimace crosses David’s face.


David:  I’m David Addison. (Gritting his teeth) And this is Maddie Hayes.


Mr. DaVain lets go of David’s hand as he turns his attention to Maddie. David stands trying to feign toughness, shaking his limp hand behind his back.


He holds Maddie’s extended hand ever so delicately for a moment.


Mr. DaVain (smiles): Maddie Hayes? Madolyn Hayes? I used to love to watch your shampoo commercials when I was a younger! How long has that been now?


Maddie (blushing slightly): More years than I care to mention.


He still holds her hand. David interrupts his gaze.


David: (under his breath) See, I wasn’t the only one… So, Mr. DaVain, have a seat.


Mr. DaVain: Please, call me Joe.


He lumbers over to one of the office chairs. David perches on the corner of Maddie’s desk as he peruses the bulging muscles of this guy, and he seems to realize who this man is…or might be. Maddie takes a chair next to him, grabbing a yellow note pad and pen.


David: DaVain…Joe DaVain…now why does that ring a bell?


DaVain: Could be you’ve heard of my father, Jon DaVain? Or my grandfather, Jack DaVain?


Maddie: Oh, of course, Jack DaVain, the king of fitness on TV for many years. My mother used to perfect her plie squats with him many a morning.


DaVain: Yes, that was Grandpa, back in his golden years. He’s still going strong at eighty!


Maddie: What can we do for you here at Blue Moon?


DaVain: I manage the new gym in town. Maybe you’ve heard of it?


Maddie and David answer simultaneously.


Maddie: Yes.


David: No.


David looks at Maddie, puzzled.


Maddie: (shrugs) DaVain Gyms. I looked into their membership a few weeks ago. It’s the hottest new place to sweat. Seems as though fitness and fancy gym memberships is the craze these days.


David (still puzzled): It is? Where have I been?


Maddie (ignores David): We just had a baby. Well… a few months ago… In fact, this is my first full day back at the office, but I do know the place you’re talking about.


DaVain: Wow! You just had a baby? You look terrific!


David shifts, a little self-conscious again.


Maddie (modestly): Well, it hasn’t been easy.


DaVain: What did you do?


David (a little smirk): Do tell!


DaVain gives David a confused look.


Maddie (eyes David): Well… Ellie and I have been sweating to the oldies…


DaVain: Ah! Richard Simmons, of course!


David: And all this time I thought it was all of the extra-parental time…I feel so used!


DaVain still gives David a confused look.


Maddie: Don’t worry, he has that effect on a lot of people. So, Joe, how can we help you?


DaVain: Three months ago we began to have a number of thefts at our gym.


David: Did you contact the police?


DaVain: Yes. They questioned a few personal trainers and members.


Maddie: And what came out of their investigation?


DaVain: Not much. They focused on one client in particular, but she claimed she was in an aerobics class at the time of the uh… first incident. The class attendance records we keep supported her alibi.


Maddie: And no leads at all?


DaVain: No, nothing to make them continue the investigation around her anyway. She’s since dropped her membership.


David: And the thefts continued? So, are you talking about a missing wallet here, a missing watch there? In the locker room or something?


DaVain: Well…it does happen in the locker room…


Maddie and David share a look.


DaVain: When it first happened we all thought it was just a joke someone was playing on the new clients…a way to make sure they remember to close their lockers and actually lock it.


Maddie: And what is this not so funny joke?


DaVain: Someone is stealing our clients’ clothes…leaving them with nothing but the towel they took with them to the showers. It’s very embarrassing…and we’ve lost quite a few present and potential customers because of it.


David suppresses a snicker. Maddie gives him a “knock it off” look.


Maddie: Sounds like a bunch of nonsense in the men’s locker room to me.


DaVain:  But, this isn’t only happening in the men’s locker room, Ms. Hayes. The women have been victims as well.


Maddie: Surely you have security cameras in your gym?


DaVain: Everywhere but in the locker rooms. We even have a few in the parking lot.


David: I don’t understand. Why wouldn’t the police follow up on this? Maybe plant someone inside?


DaVain: Partly because the unsuspecting aren’t filing complaints. The embarrassment of it makes them only want to drop their membership and leave.


Maddie: Maybe it is all a prank?


DaVain: Our business is suffering because of it. Membership has dropped. Apparently word is out that customers often get left with nothing but a DaVain towel on them.


David:  I’m not so sure we can do anything either.


David rubs his chin, looks at Maddie and contemplates the situation.


David: Although this is certainly the type of case Blue Moon is known to handle. We could probably do a little surveillance and--


Maddie: David…can I see you a moment…outside?


David: And you say you’re out of practice.


They both step outside the office door and face each other in the usual stand off pose.


David (smiles): Just like riding a bike, ain’t it? 


Maddie: David, I don’t think I want to do surveillance in a gym full of bodies like the one that’s in my office. I know exactly how that will go… and…


David: But, I think this is exactly the kind of case we should take your first week back. It’ll be easy. Just a little spying here and there…


He sees something else is bothering her.


David: And?


Maddie: And?


David: I get the feeling you were going to say something else.


Maddie checks the office employees… they seem to be immersed in the latest baby pictures.


Maddie: (whispers) Well…I was just thinking…I don’t think I have a thing to wear for this kind of surveillance…I mean…some of those fitness freaks really wear…or wear less than what I would wear at home…


David laughs and copies her, checking out the staff. He gives her a mischievous look up and down.


David: (whispers) I’m sure you’ll look great in the latest fitness fashion.


Maddie: (still keeping her voice down) Have you seen some of that garb?


David: Let me get this straight. You don’t want to take the case? Because you have nothing to wear? Think about those other poor souls who are literally left with nothing to wear, Maddie!


Maddie sighs, knowing he’s right.


David: I think it’s perfect for us.


Maddie: I know…it is…I guess so…but I’ve got the feeling this is gonna be one heck of a workout.


She opens the door and David holds back, watching her walk inside.


David: (under his breath) How hard can it be?




Scene III

Hayes-Addison House

Late afternoon/Early evening


The Lexus pulls into the long, gated driveway. It’s barely parked before we see Maddie dashing from the front seat and scampering through the front door. She comes to a stop in the foyer as she sees Ellie in the den, sitting in her swing and cooing. Sunny plays peek-a-boo with towels she’s been folding on the sofa. David smiles as he finally catches up with her carrying a large shopping bag from Freddie’s Fitness World.  


The sight of his daughter freezes him in his tracks as well.


Sunny: Well look who has come home, Ellie! Do you think mom and dad have survived today?


She pulls Ellie out of her swing and carries her to Maddie. Ellie kicks her legs with pleasure when she sees them. David drops the shopping bag on a chair and watches as Maddie takes Ellie in her arms and showers her with little kisses.


David: Yes, Sunny, I believe we all did…with flying colors.


He kisses Maddie and strokes Ellie’s head.


He and Sunny share a smile.


Maddie: So, I guess everything has gone well…since the last time we talked?


Sunny: Everything has been just fine. I was just folding some laundry. I’ll put it away before I retire for the evening, unless you need me to do anything else.


Maddie:  No, I think we’ve all had a full first day.


Sunny: Well, your dinner is in the oven and Ellie had a bottle about an hour ago, so she should be happy for a while.


David: Thanks Sunny.


Maddie: Yes, thank you…please, feel free to relax the rest of the evening. Don’t mind us!


Sunny: Oh, I plan to. Tonight is my TV night! Nothing like a little Columbo after a long day! But, if you need me for anything be sure to call. Bye Ellie. You be good now for mom and dad.


She tickles her toes through her bootie socks and leaves the three of them. Ellie displays a slobbery grin. David takes her from Maddie.


David: Come on little squirt! Let’s go see what’s for dinner. I’m starving!


She kicks her legs again as David holds her out at eye level and then brings her to one shoulder. Maddie follows them into the kitchen, making faces at her, eliciting another squirm.


The kitchen swing door sways a few times and finally settles to a close.


David: Ah, you like that, huh? Well, just you wait…I’ve got all kinds of fun things…..









Scene I

The next morning

DaVain Gym


The blue Lexus sedan circles the parking lot of DaVain’s gym. People are coming and going…some in a hurry to get to a class…some hand in hand with small children, burdened with diaper bags on top of gym bags…all with a mission in common.


David waits for a mother and child to cross and then pulls into an open parking slot.


David: Ok, Maddie, let’s go see what we can find out…. I figure we scope out the locker rooms first…


He grabs both of their gym bags, opens the car door and gets out. He sports mid-thigh length dark blue shorts, a new pair of hi-tops that happen to be laced for the occasion and a gray sleeveless t-shirt.


Maddie is slow to exit the car.


David: (closing door) …Talk to a few people and then meet up in the gym…With any luck we’ll solve this oddball case in a day and…


He suddenly realizes he’s talking to himself, as Maddie still sits in the car. Puzzled he goes around to Maddie’s door and opens it.


David: Maddie?


She’s taking one last look in the visor mirror, adjusting her leotard.


David: What are you doing?


Maddie: (sighs) Just making sure everything is in the right place and making sure it stays that way. It’s a good thing I’m not nursing Ellie as much as before otherwise this would be a catastrophe! How did I ever let you talk me into this? And why did I let you do the shopping for it? Freddie’s Fitness my foot! I guess I should be thankful it’s not from Fredrick’s!


David laughs.


David: Come on Maddie. You have nothing to worry about.


She twists and adjusts herself one last time and takes David’s offered hand, reluctantly emerging from the car.


Maddie is dressed in the perfect gym get-up…white Nike high-top aerobic shoes with a bright pink swoosh…nude colored panty hose with bright pink leg warmers to match the Nike emblem…which also matches her hair clasps and scrunchie pony tail holder. Her sleeveless tank leotard is splashed with vibrant shades of pink, blue, green, purple and a tad of yellow. Little black swirls are scattered here and there.


She gives David the eye, daring him to make some comment. He eyeballs her with a smirk. Knowing he should probably hold his tongue, he gives her his trademark salute.


Maddie: Do you remember what I told you the last time you saluted me?


David: That salute was in honor of you and America’s national security. This salute, Madolyn Hayes, is for you and all of those lucky bastards you’re about to grace with your presence.


He wraps his arm around her, pulling her close as they walk towards the gym. His hand slides down and gives her tush a playful squeeze through her leotard. Maddie shoves him slightly and grins, giving his barely noticeable…but there….love-handles a pinch.


David:  Hey! What was that?


Maddie: (shrugs with a smile) Nothing…


She tries to pinch him again.


David: You tryin’ to tell me something?


Maddie: Me? Tell you something? (little shrug)…No…


David: Let’s get this case over and done with, what do ya say?


Maddie: Fine by me.


David: Fun by me.


Maddie rolls her eyes as David opens the door for her. They exchange greetings with the young woman at the welcome desk who is ready to check them in via a computer.


Woman: Hello! Your names please?


Maddie: Maddie Hayes.


The woman looks to David.


Woman: Sir?


David is looking in a nearby mirror, smoothing his t-shirt over his stomach and checking out his sides where Maddie pinched him.


David:  Yes?


Woman: Your name?


David:  Addison…David…. David Addison.


He looks caught and slightly embarrassed.


Maddie and the woman share a knowing smile.


Woman: Okay, so the locker rooms are down the hall. Men’s first on the left and the woman’s just on the other side of the towel counter. And here are your locker numbers and combinations. We keep your numbers on our computers in case you happen to forget.


Maddie: Thank you


Woman: Sure!


Maddie looks to David with another grin.


David: What?


Maddie: (little giggle) Nothing.  Come on. Let’s check this place out.


She weaves her arm around David’s as they go to the locker rooms.



Scene II

Woman’s locker room


Maddie enters the woman’s locker room and takes a look around…first the lockers themselves, then the showers, sauna, and vanity mirrors, where several women are drying hair and applying make-up.


A janitor dressed in khaki work pants, a black shirt and long dark pony tail pulled up under her cap pushes a cleaning cart to the back of the locker room. She pulls out a spray bottle and a rag and begins wiping down benches, lockers and counter tops.


Maddie finds her assigned locker, turns the combination lock and puts her bag inside. She sits down on an adjacent bench and re-ties her shoes…readjusts her leg warmers…readjusts her leotard…re-clips her hair….all this while watching other woman coming and going. She notices a posted sign that states:


For your protection, please be sure to close and lock your locker.


A woman approaches a locker nearby. She looks to be an instructor of some kind and she proceeds to do the same…opens locker…places her belongings in it…and then she sits down on the same bench as Maddie, changing her shoes.


Instructor: Hello! You here for the nine o’clock aerobic class?


Maddie: Uh, yes, possibly. It’s my first day here.


Instructor: (bubbly and perky) Oh, well you should come to my class. It’s a great way to get started in any fitness program. I guarantee you’ll get a great workout…


Other women pass by them. Maddie tries not to look distracted, but wants to take mental notes on all of the people coming and going.


Maddie: Yes, well…


The instructor continues her bubbly persuasion.


Instructor: …and then you might want to get with a personal trainer. You know, someone who can firm up those abs…tighten up those—


Maddie eyes one woman in particular, does a double take, but then is taken aback by the instructor’s matter-of-fact invitation. She watches again the very pretty woman, blonde, mid thirties, open her locker, place her bags in it, lock it back up and leave.


Maddie: Yes, well…


Instructor: Don’t get me wrong. You look terrific for a woman your age. But, I always say, use it and lose it! Work it and perk it!


She laughs annoyingly at her own joke.


Maddie: Tell me…(points to door)…was that?…Was that Michelle Pfeiffer who just left?


Instructor: Yes, the Cat Woman herself! Doesn’t she look great? She works hard, though. I would imagine being Cat Woman takes a lot out of her!


Maddie: Yes…I would think so…so…are there any other famous people who use this gym?


She leans closer to Maddie like she has the secret to everlasting youth.


Instructor: (whispers) Well, I’m not really supposed to talk about that, but yes we do!


Obviously, she loves to talk about it…


Instructor: (leans closer still, whispering) Last month….(she looks around, making sure no one else can hear her)…Kim Basinger was in here…left with nothing but a towel and a few bodyguards who helped her get out of here unnoticed. Boy was she mad!


Maddie feigns ignorance to keep her talking.


Maddie: Really? Why just a towel?


Another woman passes by and the instructor waits until she’s left.


Instructor: Oh…I’ve probably said too much…(makes sure she keeps voice down) Haven’t you heard? We’ve had a problem with locker room theft the last six months or so. Someone is stealing clothes from the rich and famous! They haven’t caught them yet, but people are dropping out of the gym right and left. Joe…Joe DaVain? He was livid the last week...


She whispers even softer. Maddie leans in closer.


Instructor: Who’s that baseball pitcher in that movie? Bull something? Anyway, Kevin Costner was left dripping, and then the crazy police officer guy…uh…what’s his name?


Maddie: Mel Gibson?


Instructor: Yeah! That’s the one! They both lost their clothes and probably would have sued the pants…ha ha!…the pants…off of Joe, but neither wanted the publicity. Same for that rich guy Donald Trump. He sure didn’t need anymore face time on the ten o’clock news. Boy, whoever is doing this is pretty clever, though…(whispers again as more women enter locker room)…they know those people don’t like the public seeing them so vulnerable, so they just quietly leave. But, Kim Basinger? She wasn’t so quiet! Wow! Weird, huh?!


Maddie: Yeah…weird…


Maddie eyeballs one lady by herself, seemingly checking out a few open lockers. She touches a pair of shoes left on a bench.


Instructor:  Oh my, I have to get to my class. Come on! Give it a try! My name is Misty, by the way!


Maddie: Okay, Misty…maybe I’ll see you there!


Misty waves at Maddie and leaves. Maddie watches the other lady closely, looking busy with lacing her shoes again.


The lady picks up the high-heeled shoes, looks inside for the brand…or size…and then sets them back on the bench and leaves.


Deciding to follow her, Maddie quickly closes and locks her locker and leaves.


The janitor eyes Maddie from beneath her cap, pushes her cart in front of a row of lockers…and pulls out a piece of paper from her pocket.



Scene III

The nine o’clock aerobic step class


A line of men and women file into an aerobic room with wall-to-wall mirrors. Misty the aerobic instructor greets members with a smile, flipping switches and turning dials on a black box, making music pump through the speakers hanging from the ceiling. People are stacking their steps in equally divided spaces on the gym floor, talking amongst themselves.


Maddie is seen entering the small gym…and David follows close behind.


Maddie: So you didn’t see anything suspicious?


David: Not if you don’t count a bunch of men telling tall tales of their conquests.


Maddie: Conquests? Oh brother!


David: Well, some of those guys were suspicious in their tail tales, or is that tales of tails… So why are we in here?


Maddie grabs a stack of steps and picks a spot on the floor. David does the same.


Maddie: (points with a slight nod) See that lady…the one wearing pink?


David looks around coolly and spots her.


David: Yeah, what about her?


Maddie: She was looking at a nice pair of shoes earlier in the locker room so I followed her.


He looks at her again and doesn’t see anything about the woman that makes him feel she could be the locker room lifter.


David: Since when is looking at a pair of shoes grounds for suspicion? What do you do with these things anyway?


He copies Maddie and stacks his steps next to hers.


Maddie: This is what’s called a step aerobic class. You step on it, over it, around it and across it…all to music.


David: Is this more of your Richard Simmons secret?


Maddie: Secrets? I have no secrets from you other than what I do at home when you’re not there!


She suppresses a grin.


CUT TO…The men’s locker room…


The attendant with the thick glasses is wiping down counters, peering around from beneath a cap. He works his way to a row of lockers, pulling his cart as he goes. Looking around he pulls out a piece of paper from his pocket. Finding what he’s looking for, he puts the paper back in his pocket and pushes his cart further down the row.


He begins to dial a lock…


CUT TO…step aerobic class…


David: Maybe I should go check out the—


Misty: Ok, everyone ready?


She flips another switch on the back box and turns the volume up on the music. Tina Turner’s Proud Mary  thumps vigorously.


Misty:  Let’s get warm! Wide march in place!…Feet apart! Lift your knees!


Maddie follows. David just kind of fakes it, shuffling his feet, wanting out of there!


Maddie: What? You can’t leave now! If I have to do this kind of surveillance, so do you! Now get marching!


David: (rolls eyes) Maddie? This is not surveillance! This is ridiculous!


Maddie: What, you can’t handle a little step class?


She grins, but the challenge is heard…loud and clear.


David: Ok, Ms. Hayes…Let’s see who crosses the finish line still standing!


Misty:  That’s it! Now let’s dip it! Come on now! Dip and dip and dip and dip it now!


The class begins to squat together.


David: (looking at Maddie) Just what exactly are we dipping?


Misty: Dip your backsides! That’s right! Tighten it now!


Maddie: (confused) Did she just say dip your biscuit?


They both grin at each other. Maddie dips away, trying to get a look at the face of the woman in pink. David had rather just watch Maddie dip…


She catches him…but has no time to reprimand…Misty is off to the races! Flipping another dial, the tempo of the music increases.


Misty: Ok, lets go! Up, up, down, down, up, up, down, down…


David catches a toe on the step and stumbles slightly. Maddie laughs.


Maddie: How hard can this be?


David decides to pay attention…the beat of the music has picked up and Misty is shouting different moves with knee raises, leg lifts, and crazy little steps around the steppers. He nearly bumps into Maddie on one side and then collides hard with a man twice his size on the other.


Man: Easy there, Fred! Miss Rogers over there’ll be looking for a new dance partner.


Misty: Looking great everyone! Let’s pick it up a notch now!


David smiles sheepishly as Maddie skips, lifts and steps gracefully over the steppers.



CUT TO…Men’s locker room…


The young attendant closes a locker and pushes his cart to the door. Checking both ways down the hall, he twists the top of a garbage bag, ties the top, and then goes to a storage room marked janitorial. Opening the door, he places a doorstop at the bottom of the door, takes another look around and pulls the cart inside, sliding the doorstop away with a foot.



Scene IV

Same morning…an hour later

DaVain Gym


David and Maddie can be seen toweling sweat from their faces. David’s gray t-shirt is soaked; he looks as though he’s been running a marathon. Maddie, on the other hand, looks invigorated, as she tucks sweaty little strands of hair behind her ears.


Maddie: Well, that wasn’t too bad! This is fun, David!


David hangs the towel around his neck.


David: I’d say we’re earning our paycheck, but we haven’t earned it yet…


Maddie: True…I don’t think the lady in pink is a likely suspect either. She was checking out everyone’s high-tops at the end of class…guess she just likes shoes.


Maddie takes a drink at the drinking fountain as David sees Joe DaVain with a client.


David: Well lookie there…seems Big Joe is quite the ladies man. Who wouldn’t be with the six-pack he carries.


Maddie: What do you mean?


Maddie searches across the gym and sees what David sees…Joe is smiling at a young female client dressed in a white sports bra and tight black leggings. He places a weight in each hand and guides her through the lifting motions. One hand touches her lightly at the small of her back. He smiles again as the girl adjusts her form.


David: Hands on kind of guy…


Maddie: Well…she seems okay with it. That is his job.


David: Tough one, too.


The girl bends over to put a weight on the floor. DaVain’s eyes linger a little too long.


Maddie: Though he does look to be enjoying it a little too much.


The attendant from the men’s locker room earlier pushes a cart and bumps into a rack of large inflated rainbow colored balls. They bounce and roll into Joe and his client, disrupting his instruction and causing the girl to lose her balance.


Maddie: Maybe if that janitor took those thick glasses off he might see two feet in front of him!


David: (eyes janitor) Yeah…he sure gets around though.


Maddie: Well, what next?


David: Next?


Maddie: Next. We haven’t cracked a clue yet. Did you see anything in the men’s locker room? I think I’d like to go back to the women’s…maybe freshen up a little…see if I can get anyone else to talk. David, did you know that some of the people that have gotten their things taken are famous?


David: And people say women just primp and beautify in the ladies room! Who?


Maddie: Had a little chit-chat with Misty before class….Like Kevin Costner, Mel Gibson…


David: Humph…


Maddie: Kim Basinger…


David: Really? Where?


David looks around the gym. Maddie pokes him with an elbow.


David: Ow!


Maddie: Misty said she was capitol P capitol O’d when she was left with only a couple of towels. Apparently her security and publicity team went nuts on Joe. I wonder why he didn’t tell us about that yesterday?


David watches as the attendant and a few helpful trainers pick up the bouncing balls scattered across the gym. Once all of the balls are retrieved he wheels the cart by them, avoiding Joe DaVain and his stare.



Maddie: So you didn’t talk to anyone earlier? Maybe we should return to the scene of the crime?


David: Yeah, well you know what they say about that…



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Scene I

Same Day

DaVain Gym…men’s locker room


The coke-bottle eyed attendant turns his supply cart down the hallway and leans against the wall, a little out of breath. He seems rattled by his earlier collision and DaVain’s nasty look. He keeps his head down underneath his cap…no one seems to notice him anyway.


Maddie: So, we meet up again in say…(she checks her watch)…fifteen minutes?


A flurry of women enters the ladies locker room and Maddie goes with them.



David: Sounds good.


He towels his face and neck again and seeing the janitor, wonders if he might have seen or heard anything.


David: Hello…


He keeps his head down and acknowledges David with a nod.


David: I was wondering…do you know about the locker room thefts that have hit this gym lately?


He shakes his head quickly, but still doesn’t speak. David tries to get a better look at him and sees he is very young. His hair is cut short and the cap looks to be a little on the big side. The glasses he wears magnify what little David can see of his eyes.


David: You really get around with that cart of yours…you haven’t seen or heard anything…someone talking about the thefts maybe?


The janitor again shakes his head no, avoiding eye contact.


David: Ok…thanks for your time.


He nods again.


David turns and enters the men’s locker room, tossing his sweaty towel in a hamper.


The janitor slowly lifts his head…and smiles.


David saunters by the lockers, jiggling a few locks to see if the doors truly are secure. Only the empty ones hang open. All the others seem to be locked tight. A couple of older men who have just gotten off the racquetball court eye him suspiciously.


Man #1: Hey! What do you think you’re doing?


David: it’s not what you think… I’m just…uh…looking for my locker. I seem to have forgotten the number.


Man#2: Rebecca at the front desk can help you with that. And I’d be careful if I were you. We’ve had a rash of locker thefts. Everyone is a little skittish, you know?


David: Locker thefts, huh? Thanks for letting me know.


Man #2: No problem. Just be sure you lock up. People who have had their stuff disappear swear they locked theirs…Guess the embarrassment is too much.


David: Yeah…guess I can understand that.


Man#1: This place is lucky to still be open. Especially after that crazy guy…what’s his name?


He looks to Man #2.


Man #2: I can’t remember, but he was one crazy son-of-a-bitch when he found his locker swept clean. Joe’s nose was swollen for weeks! But it hasn’t just been the famous. Regular people like us have been victims as well, so you can’t be too careful.


David: Makes you kind of wonder why someone would risk the chance of getting caught. I mean, opening a locker that wasn’t theirs…people coming and going…


A big man enters the locker room, looking David up and down.


Big Man: Hey, you’ll do! I need a sparring partner in the next kickboxing class. Mine cancelled at the last minute. You up for it?


David: Boxing?


Big Man: Nah, not boxing, but a lot like it. Kickboxing, man! Ever heard of it? Come on!


He loops a huge arm around David’s shoulders and neck and drags him out.


David: (breathless) Sure, why not…


Man #1: Boy is he in for it.


Man #2: (laughs) Yeah, poor guy won’t know what kicked him!


The two men laugh.



Scene II

Mid morning



Maddie: Ok, Sunny. Thanks for the update. We should be home around the same time, hopefully. Although, this case has been short on clues. I’ll call again later…just to check. Kiss Ellie for me, okay? Goodbye.


She hangs the payphone up and checks her watch. Fifteen minutes has long since gone. Scanning the gym she sees no sign of David.


CUT TO Kickboxing class…


And another one bites

Another one bites

Another one bites the dust…


Queen’s Another One Bites the Dust reverberates through the small gym. The kickboxing instructor drills the class, each partnered up with weighted boxing gloves and kick pads.


Instructor: Turn and extend with a punch! That’s it!


David’s sweat drips down his face, his clothes soaked once again.


Instructor: Now, hook, hook, hook and PUNCH!! Hook, hook, hook and PUNCH!! Eyes on extension and gimme some steam!


His partner punches hard, jarring his whole body.


Instructor: Okay, now switch with your partners. New punchers, new punchers…and go!


David pays his partner back.


Instructor: Hook, hook, hook and PUNCH!! Eyes on extension and gimme some steam!


Maddie can be seen looking through the small gym windows. She spots David and enters the class.


Instructor: Come on, Addison! Let’s see what you’ve got!


David pants and punches… sweat flies.


Instructor: Atta boy! Blow that air out! Turn those hips! Time to switch again.


The class quickly changes gear.


Instructor: Now we add the last of our kicks. Remember, snap it, pull back. Here we go! Snap it, and pull back. Snap it, and pull back.


The class kicks rhythmically with the music. Maddie approaches David.


Maddie: David?


David turns…and his partner lands a hard kick.


David: Whoa! Maddie, I’m a little busy.


Maddie: Yeah, I can see that.


David keeps his focus on his partner as he lands kick after kick.


Instructor: Ah, do we have a newcomer without a partner? Hey, Frank? Come partner up with me and let the little lady get a few kicks in with Addison!


Maddie hesitates.


David: Yeah, let the little lady get a few kicks in!


David seems to plead with Maddie, sweat pouring into his eyes and down his neck.


Maddie: David? Are you okay? You look awful!


David: (pants) Yeah, well sorry I’m not all fresh as a daisy like you.


Instructor: Let’s go now! Snap it, and pull back. Snap it, and pull back! Let’s go little lady!


David: Yeah, let’s go little lady!


Maddie: Okay, okay. Little lady, huh?


She attempts to kick the pads David holds. Her long legs are plenty capable, but David’s tired arms hold the pads too low.


Maddie: Hold the pads up, David! I’m going to kick you.


She gets the hang of it and lands a few good ones. David smiles.


Instructor: Now gimme some more steam! Blow it out! Snap it, and pull back. Snap it---


Maddie’s foot lands square in David’s face, knocking his head back and landing him on the gym floor.


Maddie: (gasps) David, David, David!


She kneels next to him. The instructor joins her.


David: (bleary-eyed) She can punch too…Hey?


He gets a better look at the instructor. His black skin glistens and his teeth flash with a brilliant white smile.


David: Aren’t you Billy? Billy Blanks?


Blanks: That’s me.


He helps David to his feet.


Blanks: You did all right today, Addison. You keep this up and those abs of yours will be rock solid in no time.


He gives David a playful slap to his belly. David gasps.


Maddie: Come on…we still have work to do.


She grabs his arm and they exit the glass doors.


David: Work to do? What do you think I’ve been doing!


Maddie: I don’t know, but I hope you haven’t blown our cover.



Scene III

Mid afternoon

At the Gym…Still


Pump up the jam, pump it up

While your feet are stompin

and the jam is pumpin

Look at here the crowd is jumpin’…


A series of flash by scenes…



Maddie and David getting instructions from a friendly trainer on the proper use of the large inflated fitness balls…David sits and bounces, bumps into Maddie and then rolls off…Maddie covers her mouth and laughs…While David gets a little one on one instruction Maddie talks to a gym member near by…


Get your booty on the dance floor make my day…


David on a stationary bike getting talked up by an old man who seems to be an expert cyclist. He pushes David in a little competition…they go nowhere fast…David tries to ask him questions about the locker room thief …the old man cups his ear…he can’t hear a thing over the music…


Old Man: Huh? What was that?


David: Do you know anything about the locker thief?


Old Man: No, no…I don’t care for cottage cheese.



Pump it up, pump it up…



Meanwhile…Maddie is stuck in a treadmill class and the instructor sets her treadmill to a high incline. She begins to sweat, huff and puff…she tries to talk to the lady next to her, but she’s more interested in Maddie’s workout attire than the gym thief…


And finally…


CUT TO…A small area of the gym designated as a waiting area…a few small leather sofas and chairs furnish the room, along with a bench or two.


Maddie sits on a bench…David eases onto the edge of a chair, leaning on his elbows.


Maddie: I knew we shouldn’t have taken this case. It was too weird to begin with!


They both towel their faces. They are beaten!


David: I’m so tired right now Maddie I’m not even going to argue…


Maddie: Okay, but what do we do now? We’re no closer to solving this thing than we were before DaVain even walked into our office.


David: (big sigh) I think we need to hit the showers and start fresh tomorrow.


Maddie: Yeah…maybe so.


She gets up to go. David doesn’t move.


Maddie: David? You coming?


David: What I can’t wrap my brain around…and this was even BEFORE you landed that right foot of yours…is why hasn’t anyone seen anything? From all of the people we’ve talked to in the locker rooms and all of the classes, everyone knows about the thefts and will readily talk about them. How come no one ever sees the thief? The lockers I checked were all locked. The lockers you checked were all locked. So, other than a few victims early on who got their things taken because they didn’t lock up, all of the others apparently swear that they did…


Maddie: I know, but David I’m too exhausted to think straight right now. Let’s shower and go home. I miss Ellie…


David stands to go…a little slower than normal.


David: And to think we get to do this all over again tomorrow…


Maddie takes her towel on either end and begins to roll it, a gleam in her eye.


David: You wouldn’t! Talk about beating a man while he’s down!


She attempts pops him, but he’s quicker and grabs the towel.


David: Ha! I still have some life left in me! Now give me that!


Maddie laughs as David dumps their towels in a hallway hamper.


Maddie: Give me twenty minutes Addison and I’ll be good to go.


They both go to their respective locker rooms.


David dodges the janitorial cart as the shy kid pushes it out of the men’s locker room. The janitor keeps his head down, wheeling his supplies to the storage room at the end of the hallway. He opens the door, slides a doorstop under the door, pushes his cart through and kicks the doorstop with his foot. The door closes behind him.






Scene I

Men’s locker room

Same afternoon


David stands in the hot steamy shower willing his tired muscles to relax, his mind reeling. A smidgen of doubt is spread across his face. He leans against the shower wall and lets the water pummel his back completely lost in thought.

His turns the water off, wipes water from his face with his hand, and hesitates a moment before exiting the shower stall.


A thought hits him.


He snatches his towel off of the hook, drying hurriedly as he tries to remember his locker number, eyeing the rows of lockers.


David: 92?


He tries the combination…wrong locker.


David: 82, 82…


Tries the combination…nope…


David: Okay, which one, which one…ah! 86, 86! Which I’m gonna be very soon…


He turns the lock…and it opens.


He looks inside. It’s completely empty.


David: Ah, you have GOT to be kidding me!


He slams the door and looks around. A few men look on, knowing exactly what has happened. He turns to them.


David: Did you see anyone around this locker? Say in the last few minutes or so? Small, shy…dressed like a janitor, maybe?


They point to the door.


Securing his towel, David braves the exterior of the locker room and ventures down the hallway. At the end he sees the kid in front of the supply room.


David: Hey!


The attendant looks up…and then runs, pushing the cart with him.


David looks straight into the camera.


David: What? You knew this was coming! The things I do for you people!


His attention goes back to the kid who now has nearly tipped his cart over. He recovers and takes off again.


David: Hey! Come back here!


Cue the chase music!


Loose, footloose kick off your Sunday shoes
Please, Louise pull me off a my knees
Jack, get back c'mon before we crack
Lose your blues everybody cut footloose


People move aside as David chases him around the corner. He enters an elevator. The doors close just as David gets to them. He pounds it once with a fist and then turns looking for the stairs.


And he’s off.


I've been working so hard
I'm punching my card
Eight hours for what?
Oh, tell me what I got


Bounding to the bottom of the stairs, David slips through a doorway. He’s now standing on the deck of an indoor pool… A class full of elderly ladies, each topped with bathing caps are being led calmly and quietly in water aerobics. 


Fly me to the moon
Let me play among the stars
Let me see what spring is like
On a, Jupiter and Mars
In other words, hold my hand
In other words, baby, kiss me


Water aerobic instructor: And hands above your heads and bounce and twist. Bounce and twist. Arms strong now…pull those knees in and bounce and twist, bounce and twist…

Fill my heart with song
And let me sing for ever more
You are all I long for
All I worship and adore
In other words, please be true


In other words, I love you


Some of the women have stopped, eyeing David curiously as he approaches them. A gasp is heard…


Women: Oh my!

Fill my heart with song
Let me sing for ever more
You are all I long for
All I worship and adore
In other words, please be true


He kneels down next to one woman who is holding on to the side of the pool and speaks softly to her.


David: How do I get to the elevator from here?


She points…and then smiles. David smiles back and exits.


Woman: What a cute thing he is!


In other words, in other words
I love you.

The women giggle.


David finds the elevator, but too late. He sees the janitor hurriedly pushing his cart around another corner and up a ramp.


David: Hey!


His shouting makes the kid take off again.


David: Oh, for the love of—


Loose, footloose kick off your Sunday shoes
Please, Louise pull me off a my knees
Jack, get back c'mon before we crack
Lose your blues everybody cut footloose


David follows in hot pursuit. The ramp takes him back up to the gym where the janitor weaves his cart in and out of treadmills, around people and through large weight machines.


David waits, tracking him across the gym floor. The kid hesitates a moment, searching for an out. He sees David and takes off again.


Gym clients have stopped what they were doing, staring in disbelief.


David pursues, only this time he knows where he is headed. He crosses his path and grabs the end of the supply cart. The kid pushes hard, but not hard enough.


David: Hold on! I just need to talk to you!


The young man fakes left and goes right, tipping the cart over and clipping David. He runs full speed, bypassing Joe DaVain.


DaVain: (angrily, holding voice down) Addison, why are you chasing our locker room attendant through my gym…in a towel?


David: No time to talk now Joe. But usually in these cases, the person being chased is the guilty one! See ya!


David takes off again and DaVain follows. He shouts at Rebecca, the desk clerk.


DaVain: Rebecca, call the police!


David finally reaches the young janitor, grapping him by the collar as he pushes through the storage room. They both tumble inside, rocking shelves stacked with a few large plastic bags that tumble down on top of them.


David manages to emerge first, digging out from underneath.  A broken bag opens to reveal a variety of clothes, a few expensive looking purses…and a very familiar looking pair of shoes. He holds them up.


David: I know a lady who’s not going to be very happy about this.





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The kid tosses a bag off of him and this one pops open as well. Several pairs of mans loafers, designer-looking jeans and a few shaving kits fall in disarray. His cap and glasses have fallen off.


Uh…her cap and glasses have fallen off. She has black short cropped hair, but her eyes and eyebrows are a dead giveaway. David looks her over…she’s very small in stature and he can see how she’s pulled off the role of the mystery gym grabber.


And she looks like a tough little nut to crack.


David helps her stand.


David: So I have you to thank for my attire this afternoon.


She rolls her eyes, folding her arms across her chest.


A beat…


David: Who are you and why have you been stealing clothes from the locker rooms?


Girl: I didn’t steal anything! It’s all here, every last bit. Now if you’ll excuse me!


She makes an attempt to get by David, but he steps in front of her.


David: Now, why would a person…a girl… take or steal others belongings dressed as a boy? And then pack them up and store them in bags?


She makes another attempt to leave and David stops her again with a hand on her shoulder.


Girl: You have no right to keep me in here!


David: You know, you’re lucky no one has pressed charges and if you’re smart…and somehow I think you are…you’ll get out of this without too much trouble.


She relents, but is not happy about it.


David: What’s your name?


She sighs.


Girl: Molly…my name is Molly McCoy.


David: Ok, Molly…why’d you do this?


She plops down on top of another plastic bag with a sigh. The air slowly seeps from it with a hiss.


Molly: He stole from me.


David: What do you mean? He who?


Molly: He stole from me. Well, an idea, anyway.


David waits patiently as she swipes a hand through her short hair.


Molly: God, look at this muffin top! This is what I did…all on account of him!


David: Okay…


Molly: Almost a year ago Joe decides he wants to …(she makes quotation marks with her fingers)…please his members. He announces that a suggestion box would be placed at the front desk for any ideas members might have to improve the gym. The cards would be anonymous, so we could feel free to tell him how we really felt, you know? I’d heard of this new cardio-fit exercise called Kickboxing. You ever heard of it?


David: Yeah, yeah…I’ve done that before…


Molly: Well, instead of placing my idea in the box I go to his office to tell him about it. At first he’s all excited about the idea…says that might be just the thing the gym needs and that he’s heard some of the big name movie stars and producers out here have been doing that type of thing on their own. Anyway, he thanks me for coming by, gets all flirty like and suggests we go out for a drink sometime. I agreed to meet him the following weekend at the bar down the street. But he doesn’t show up. And then I don’t hear another word from him or about the idea I had. In fact, he completely ignores me, like we’ve never met. Three months later, the gym announces a new Kickboxing class with the famous Billy Blanks. The next thing is the clientele around here starts to increase…mostly those movie star type people Joe talked about.  And there you go! DaVain’s Gym is rolling in the dough.


David: And you think you should have benefited in someway because the kickboxing was your idea?


Molly: Well…yeah!


David: So, you decide to lower the membership by making people drop out…taking things from lockers, hoping the word gets out to potential members?


Molly: Yes, but when the thefts first started, that wasn’t me. People were being really careless about locking things up. I just decided to make the thefts continue and what better way to do that than to target the famous? The ones that don’t want any negative publicity and would gladly just leave the gym and never return. You know, people like you…


David: Like me?


Molly: Yeah, I recognized you right away.


David looks puzzled.


Molly: Aren’t you the guy who played John McClane? What’s your name again?


David: (rolls eyes) No, no I’m not, but I get that a lot though.


Molly: Oh…well…I guess I owe you an apology then…taking your clothes and all.


David: What you’ve done is wrong. You know that, right?


Two LAPD officers suddenly open the door. DaVain stands behind them.


Molly: But, Joe DaVain is a lying egotistical pig!


DaVain enters.


David: Well, I’m certainly glad we cleared that up. Now, tell me how you really feel.


He turns to the officers.


David: She’s all yours.


Grabbing a bag of familiar looking clothes, he exits the storage room.


The officers can be heard reading Molly her rights, but then DaVain stops them.


DaVain: Wait a second, wait a second! Can I have a word with her first?


David: (turning back) Smart thinking, DaVain!


DaVain eyes David.


And then Maddie can be heard yelling from the locker room. She’s livid!


Maddie: David? Is that you out there?


David stands outside the women’s locker room door, the plastic bag with her clothes slung over his shoulder. He stifles a laugh.


David: Yes dear!


Maddie: Arg! David! My locker has been swept clean!


David: Now Maddie! Didn’t you lock it up?


Maddie: David! Don’t give me that! Of course I locked it! What am I going to do? I can’t go home like this!


David: Haven’t you ever heard of less is more?


And there is silence. David waits…he can almost here the bomb ticking…and then…


David: There’s no way anyone could have gotten into that locker if you’d locked it!


He laughs and listens. But still there’s silence…


David: Maddie?


And she appears…head held stoically…her hair wet from the shower…one towel tied waist high and another tied just under her armpits. She sees he’s been reduced to a terry cloth skirt as well.


David smiles.


David: You too, huh?


And she gives him the hairy eyeball.


Maddie: Less is more my—


David grabs her and quickly covers her mouth, turning to the camera.


David: Aaand CUT!



Scene II

Late afternoon…same day

DaVain’s office


Maddie and David, now dressed, sit in chairs opposite DaVain. He signs his name with a flourish at the bottom of a check made out to Blue Moon Investigations and hands it to Maddie.


Maddie: Thank you.


DaVain: No, Ms. Hayes, thank you. I hope you both find the little extra worth your trouble.


Maddie: So what happens to Molly?


DaVain: We’ve come to an understanding.


David cocks his head.


DaVain: Uh…so to speak. I’ve agreed to acknowledge her contribution to our gym with compensation and in turn she has agreed to a signed confidentiality.


Maddie: A signed agreement? To what?


DaVain slides a legal form across his desk to Maddie. She meets his eyes and let’s the paper rest. David picks it up instead. It’s addressed to Blue Moon, stating an agreement to confidentiality between DaVain gyms and the agency.


David plops it back in front of him.


David: Blue Moon has never had any reason to sign such a form, Joe, and we’re not going to start now. Our word is our word.


DaVain: Surely you can understand why I ask for such a thing. After all that has happened I can’t afford any more bad publicity. If word gets out that an over zealous janitor turned rogue we’d be done for around here.


David: And at the end of the day our word is our word.


DaVain: Well…Molly didn’t really sign it either.


Maddie: The one thing she did right I suppose. But, tell me…how did Molly even get hired? And then pose as two different people?


DaVain: I didn’t hire her. A former office manager, Maxine, did all of the interviewing when Molly became a janitor. I had to let Maxine go when we started losing members due to the thefts and since then a few things have gotten overlooked.


Maddie: Such as?


DaVain: Namely the new technology we’re using to check members in at the desk. The security hadn’t been locked down properly. Up until today any employee could go into an office with a PC and look up information on all of our members, including locker numbers and combinations, and manipulate the attendance records. That’s how Molly was able to pick and choose lockers and back up her alibi when the police questioned her as a member.


David: And it looks like Molly did that, quite a few times in fact. So she cuts her hair, gets some thick glasses, a hat, a change of uniform and a wig and presto, she’s two locker attendants in one.


DaVain: That about tells it. We have quite a bit of traffic flowing through here, but I never recognized her. And she was pretty coy about it all. Members never complained about the cleanliness of the locker rooms so I never had any need to talk to her.


Maddie: We won’t take anymore of your time, Mr. DaVain. Let’s hope everyone is good for his or her word.


Maddie exchanges a look with David. DaVain stands as they do the same, looking unsure as to how he has left things with them.


David: (shrugs) The little lady happens to appreciate honesty, is all.


He smiles at Maddie.


David: Let’s go home, partner.


David and Maddie exit. DaVain sits again and hears David singing through the now empty gym…


You’re so vain…. um-um-ummm

You probably think this song is about you

You’re so-o vain! Bu-dum-dum….

You probably think this song is about cha

Don’t ya don’t yaaaa…





Richard Simmons can be heard from the TV. Sunny twirls a cloth diaper over her head to the tune Sugar, Sugar… turning and stepping, jumping and lifting… Ellie sits in her bouncy seat watching her intently, sucking on a fist.


Sunny: You think this is easy? You try it!


She repeats the move and sings along, getting a little grin and a slurp in return.


Sugar, ah honey honey
you are my candy girl
and you got me wanting you

Sunny: You like this, huh?


honey, ah sugar sugar
you are my candy girl
and you got me wanting you


She keeps up with the routine, wiping her brow.


Sunny: What we ladies do to keep our girlish figures, Ellie…(out of breath)...Okay…here we go…round four!

When i kissed you girl I knew how sweet a kiss could be
(I know how sweet a kiss could be)
Like the summer sunshine pour your sweetness over me
(Pour your sweetness over me)


David and Maddie trudge through the front door, dumping their gym bags at the foot of the stairs. The music draws their attention to the den. Peeking around the corner they see Sunny giving it her all, diaper twirling over her head, hips swinging. Richard Simmons does the same…minus the towel… She twirls around and spots them, not missing a beat…


Sunny: (out of breath) Oh… hello!…


She starts the last of her routine as Maddie and David look on. David looks to Maddie, not sure what to think…


Ah sugar, ah honey honey
you are my candy girl
and you got me wanting you
Oh honey honey, sugar sugar..............


Sunny: Whew! Be finished in one second…(catches her breath)…Ellie and I are just getting a little exercise…(pants) a little more than I bargained for…but hey, we gotta do what we gotta do…right Ellie?


Ellie kicks and grins.



Ah sugar, ah honey honey
you are my candy girl
and you got me wanting you
Oh honey honey, sugar sugar...


Maddie lifts Ellie out of her seat.


Maddie: (smiles) Looks like we’ve all been working hard today!


Sunny wipes her face again.


Sunny: That so? How was your day? Did you catch a thief or two?


She stops and really looks at them… and then voices her concern.


Sunny: Oh my…You two look beat!


David: Well, you could say that.


Sunny: I’ve got the perfect thing after a long hard day. You just give me half an hour, forty-five minutes tops, and you’ll be good as new!


She scurries through the kitchen door as David and Maddie plop on the sofa with Ellie….well… David doesn’t plop so much as slowly back into it…


Maddie: What a day, huh?


David: What a day, u-huh…


He watches as Maddie holds Ellie. She yawns and puts a fist to one eye, fighting to keep her eyes open. His heart swells with pride as he puts his arm around Maddie and pulls her in close.


Maddie: I’m sure glad this day is over. I don’t ever want to investigate another gym. It’s too sweaty and I don’t like the wardrobe.


David: You did all right today, Blondie. I have the bruises to prove it! And you were the best-dressed woman there.


David stretches his sore legs and rests his feet on the coffee table.


Maddie: Well, I know I need to exercise more after this day. Some of those women put me to shame.


David: What are you talking about?


Maddie shifts with Ellie as she dozes off.


David: Maddie?


She turns to him.


David: I’m so proud of you…look at you…you’re drop dead gorgeous. There wasn’t a single woman in that gym today that could have done what you did.


Maddie: Kick you in the face?


She smiles.


David: You know what I mean. You just had a baby and look at you! You’ve given me a gorgeous daughter and you’re running a business, a very successful one, especially after the last few paychecks we’ve gotten. And you’re very smart about certain things.


Maddie: Like what?


David: You had Joe DaVain figured out the moment he walked into our office. I’m a little embarrassed to say, but when we first saw him all I could think about was how he was looking at you and how I should start working out again. But you…you handled him with confidence and grace. Just like you handled today.


Maddie: Don’t put me on a pedestal too soon. I still have a long way to go to figure out this working mother bit. It’s a whole lot harder than I ever imagined.


She rubs a thumb over the top of Ellie’s small fist.


Maddie:  But, I guess I learned a lot about men like him in my former life. I had to learn real quick how to spot the vain ones. And unfortunately, there are a lot of women who go to extremes to get the attention of someone like him.


David: And you think Molly was trying to get his attention?


Maddie: At first I think she probably was, but once she realized DaVain wasn’t the kind of man or person she thought he was she went to the extreme to expose him…or at least get revenge.


David: Yeah, it was pretty extreme.


Maddie: I don’t ever want Ellie to feel like she has to look like someone or be something she’s not. I’ve experienced that and it can make a person a little crazy. Thank goodness my mother was such a good role model.


David: What, like if Ellie decides to follow in your footsteps into the modeling world? I don’t think you’ll have to worry about that at all.


Maddie: Why is that?


David: Because she’s going to be so busy playing baseball and basketball she won’t even want to smile for a camera unless she’s holding her first of many homerun balls.


He smiles, smoothing Ellie’s little curls on top of her head.


David: And…(meets Maddie’s gaze) She’ll have the best role model to show her what’s important and what’s not in the man department.


Maddie: Well, her father will certainly be a model himself when it comes to men.


David: There is nowhere I’d rather be than right here with the two of you.


They share a kiss and then both lean their heads back, closing their eyes.


A moment…


Maddie: David, what’s that smell?


David: (sniffs) It sure ain’t  Ellie I smell…


They pry their eyes open…


Maddie: That smells so good…please tell me it’s our dinner.


David: It’s our dinner…


Maddie pulls herself up with Ellie.


Maddie: I’m starving! Let’s go see what Sunny has cooked up. She’s a gem, David. We should be sure and thank her.


David doesn’t move.


Maddie: You coming?


David: I don’t think I can move.


Maddie sets Ellie in her seat and covers her with a blanket.


Maddie: Okay Ellie…your old man needs help getting to the kitchen.


She smiles at David and gives him a hand.


David: Ah…easy Maddie, I’m dying here…


He finally gets to his feet and Maddie grabs Ellie, seat and all. David eases to them, wrapping an arm around Maddie.


David: Old man?


He pulls her close and whispers in her ear.


David: I’ll show you different…


They ease slowly to the kitchen.


Maddie: Be nice and I’ll give you a back massage later.


They disappear through the kitchen…


David: Be nice? You be nice…tell me…you’ve done kickboxing before, right? That wasn’t your first go, was it?…




Soft theme music…

And fade….








Music Credits:


MC Hammer….Can’t Touch This


Tina Turner…Proud Mary


Queen…Another One Bites the Dust


Technotronic…Pump Up the Jam


Kenny Loggins…Footloose


Frank Sinatra…Fly Me to the Moon


The Archies…Sugar, Sugar



Other Credits:


Many thanks to Kim for helping me weed through some of the case details. You were a huge help in getting my brain to whirl!


Thanks, of course, to Jen for proofing…and prodding!


And thanks to Diane and Lizzie for your steady and dependable support. You always know the right thing to say!


I’m still in love with Moonlighting after all these years and will always adore the characters that Glenn Gordon Caron, Cybill Shepherd and Bruce Willis gave to us. We are so lucky and I will be forever grateful.


I’m particularly grateful, however, for the friends I’ve made through our shared love of the show. And while I still haven’t met all of you, each of you makes my heart full!


Comments always welcome.