Virtual Moonlighting | home
By the Staff in Round Robin Style
It’s A Trick, Where’s The Treat?
Scene 1 – Halloween Morning – Maddie’s Bedroom –
Maddie stirs in bed. She rolls over to David’s cold empty side and
pulls the stuffed Dracula to her chest. From under the covers we hear
vant to bite your neck.”
the doll a couple more times, having the doll run through its repertoire:
“And hold the garlic.”
She flips down
the covers and there is a grin on her face that can only be described as
devilish. Today is the day … the waiting is over … four LONG weeks
… today is the day that the itch gets scratched. The phone rings. It
must be David; he should have been home already. Maddie clears her
throat and pulls up her sexiest voice.
“I vant to suck your blood.”
“Join me in a coffin built for
“Is that the dawn? I must
“Hey big boy … I’ve got a trick, if you’ve got the treat.”
“Maddie?” Cecilia’s voice comes across the line. “Is that you?”
“Oh hi Ceci.” She is not as embarrassed as she would normally be.
“I thought you were David … I mean … never mind.”
“I guess so. Where is David? Thought I would catch you both at
“He has been on surveillance … a stake out for the past six days … rather
six nights … six very long nights.”
“Is it THAT big a case?”
“No, it’s a nothing case … but we decided that … for medical reasons …we
should spend the nights apart.”
“Oh … I see. You sound like a couple of teenagers who can’t keep their libidos
“Isn’t it great. I feel terrific; like a young woman … like the young
woman I never was.”
“I am so glad you’re feeling better.”
“You aren’t the only one.”
“So are you still coming up this weekend or will you be otherwise indisposed?”
“No. I’ll be there. I’m taking David to the airport tomorrow
“Airport? Oh yes testifying in Washington for the BIG case.”
“Right. Well and there are some things I need to finish up at the office
in the afternoon, since we are taking today off. I should be there
by six. Is that ok?”
“Perfect … I’ll see you then.”
They hang up and Maddie gets up and crosses to the bathroom. She is
in there less than a minute when the phone rings again. Maddie decides
not to take the chance that it might not be David.
“Trick or Treat, Goldilocks. Put on the porridge … I want it just right.”
“Papa Bear better hurry home or Goldilocks is going to turn into the big
“Ooooooh … Goldie slept in the wrong bed last night.”
“Right bed … just short one body.”
“I left the Count to keep you company.”
“Company is not what I’m looking for. Where are you?”
“Well … here’s the thing.”
“Don’t say it Addison … we have less than 24 hours … you better be in this
bed in 30 minutes.”
“Oh BAAAAABY …your command is my wish but …”
“No BUTS … Addison???? Where are you?”
“The office. I’m waiting for the police.”
“They should’ve been here a while ago … but … it’s Halloween after all.”
“What does that mean?”
“It means that last night was mischief night.”
“Mischief night? What is MISCHIEF NIGHT?”
“Mischief night? Prank Night? Doorbell Night? The night before
Halloween… Forget it. “
“Why are you waiting for the police?” Maddie demands sternly.
“The cops are busy.”
“Why are you waiting for them at all?”
“It seems that the guard who was working last night … the security guard…
well he came dressed like a chicken … pretty good costume too …puts the Padres’
Chicken to shame.”
“Uh … well …he’s Chicken McNuggets today.”
“Yeah … he stopped doing his rounds sometime after 3 AM and when the relief
came in this morning … he was dead. Since we were there for the whole
thing, the cops want to talk to us. Go figure.”
“That’s terrible. How did he die?”
“Looks like a heart attack.”
“Where were you when this happened?”
“Well … um … I sort of fell asleep.”
“Wanted to be well rested for today.”
“Where was Mr. Viola?”
“Talking with the chick from the cleaning crew.”
“From 3 AM until 7? Professionals …the both of you.”
“It is no big deal. … What? Oh hey … they’re here. I’ll be home
in an hour. Don’t move -- at least not until I get there.”
They hang up. Maddie picks up the Dracula doll and tosses it across
the room. It lands on the floor with a thud.
“Is that a crucifix in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
She can’t help but smile and decides to take a shower.
The phone is ringing when the water shuts off and Maddie comes soaking wet,
wrapped in a towel, to answer the phone.
“Miss Hayes … I am so glad I caught you.” Agnes’s voice comes frantically
over the wire. “You need to get down to the police station right away.”
“They arrested Mr. Addison and Bert.”
“For what? Those parking tickets? I told him --”
“Murder?” Maddie mumbles a remark about the day not going according
to plans. Had to leave it out in deference to the censors.
“I’ll be right there, Agnes. See how much cash we have in the safe
… might need it for bail.”
Scene 2 – Blue Moon - Eleven AM
Maddie and David exit the elevator with Bert Viola following along like a
“I am sorry Miss Hayes … really … I know you two were supposed to have the
day off … “
“Forget it Mr. Viola … I forgave you after the twentieth apology.”
“Next time Bert … just keep your mouth shut.” David scolds. “Well
we can kiss that client good bye.”
“And our fee and my bonus.” Bert mumbles.
They enter the office and are shocked to see that it has been transformed
into a haunted house. The staff is dressed in ghoulish costumes.
Agnes is dressed as a witch and is handing out candy to some little trick-or-treaters
that have come by. Maddie and David look at each other.
“We told them to do what they wanted while we were out.” David said
in their defense.
There are gleeful screams coming from David’s office and shrieks of terror
coming from Maddie’s.
“Just another day at Blue Moon.” David quips.
“What is going on here, Miss DiPesto?”
“I thought we told you.” Agnes looks innocent.
“Not a thing.”
“We were chosen to host the annual Halloween Party.”
“For the kids in 15555.”
“Century Park East. It’s bigger than the Christmas party.”
“This afternoon will be the costume contest with 15557 … it is a great contest
… lots of prizes.”
“So what is going in my office?” Maddie can’t help but ask.
“We turned your office in to a chamber of horrors.”
“That seems appropriate.” David tries to help but Maddie glares back
“And we turned Mr. Addison’s office into the party room.”
“There’s a stretch.” Maddie digs back.
David moves toward his office. “What kind of party Miss DiPesto?”
“You know … bobbing for apples, pin the tail on the black cat, toss a ghost
… stuff like that.”
“Oh.” David stops and turns away.
“Speaking of … Bert, you have to change right now … we need the Headless
Horseman to make his entrance.”
Agnes pulls a bag containing Bert’s costume out from under the desk and pushes
it at him. Bert shrugs and exits.
“And if you two are going to stay … you need costumes.”
“We are not going to stay. Have fun. Happy Halloween. Have
this place back to normal up by tomorrow.”
With a sly smile at David, Maddie turns on her heel and heads toward the
A devilish grin crosses David’s face. “See you in a week or so, Miss
A little boy dressed as a cowboy shoots at David with his cap gun.
“Hey Mister … what are you supposed to be?”
“I’m a horny toad.” With that David skips after Maddie.
Inside the elevator, Maddie and David are finally alone. Maddie is
pretending to be annoyed. David wraps his arms around her from behind
and starts to nuzzle her neck.
“Are you mad at me?”
“Yes … we have lost valuable time. You owe me.”
He turns her towards him and kisses her deeply. The elevator door opens
on the 8th floor and there is a scream. David and Maddie look to see
a mousy little man dressed as Rambo staring at them with his hand over his
“What’s the matter with you, Rambo? … Tired of never getting
the girl? … Get a better agent.”
David leans over to push the CLOSE DOOR button and they are alone again.
“Now where was I??? Oh yeah … paying my debt.”
They kiss again and it starts to get a little out of control. Clothes
are being pulled and the moaning is becoming more urgent.
“OK … Ok … You’re forgiven … Stop … Stop … we’ll never get out of the parking
“I’m OK with that.”
The door opens to the garage and they scurry over to the car. Just
as they reach it, Maddie turns David to her and pushes his back against the
“A warning … this is going to be best 21 hours of your life.”
“It’s gonna be my treat.”
He pulls her to him and they kiss wildly, drawing the attention and the concern
of the parents in the parking lot, who are trying to get their costumed kids
in the elevator.
One angry parent calls to them, “Get a room!”
They fall into a laughing embrace.
“Let’s go home … fast.” Maddie suggests.
“Gimme the keys.”
“I don’t have my keys.”
“Of course you do? You had the car last.”
“I did not have it last … I left it for you … the stake out?”
“Rode with Bert. How did you get to the police station?”
“Taxi. … same way we got here.”
“So neither one of us has keys?”
“You see this is why we need a second car.”
“So we’d be keyless for TWO cars instead of one?”
“Yes … no … you see we wouldn’t be ---.”
Maddie heads back toward the elevator, straightening her clothes out.
“Were are we going?”
“There is another set in the safe in my office.”
“Let’s not go back up there. Let’s just take a taxi.”
“We need the car in the morning to take you to the airport.”
“I’ll take a taxi … come on Maddie. Something will happen if we go
back up there.”
“Don’t be ridiculous David. It will take longer to call a cab than
it will to just go get the keys.”
“Famous last words.”
Scene 3 – Blue Moon - Noon
Maddie and David exit the elevator and tromp up to the door of Blue Moon.
The lights are off and the place is completely dark. They can’t see
in the window at all.
“What is going on?” Maddie asks.
“Part of the party… maybe …???” David offers.
They check the office number and the sign on the window. It is the
BLUE MOON office.
Maddie opens the door and steps in, nearly tripping and falling. David
reaches over and turns on the lights. There is no one in the room with
the exception of two Dobermans tied up in the corner, who of course start
barking wildly and straining at their leashes when the light comes on.
At Maddie’s feet is a body dressed as a chicken.
“Hey … that is the same … it is … it’s the security guard that died last
night.” David explains.
Maddie shrinks back. “We’ve been gone less than thirty minutes.
What could have happened here? And what is with the dogs?”
David looks towards them and yells, “Hey, pipe down!”
The dogs are stunned into silence by this reaction.
David smiles at Maddie. “Impressed?”
Maddie looks at him skeptically. “That you have a rapport with members
of the animal kingdom? Hardly. Meanwhile, there is the matter
of this chicken.”
“Yeah, would you look at that – twice in one day. Must be a chicken
Maddie is appalled. “David! Do something! Is he….is she….is
“Not sure……where do you think you take a chicken’s pulse?”
Just then the aforementioned chicken groans, and begins to move.
David gives Maddie a small grin. “Dodged that bullet.”
“David, take off the mask.”
“Maddie, I may not always be forthcoming, but I’m not wearing a mask.”
Maddie is losing patience.
“Just do it – take the head off.”
“OK…OK….before you take mine off.”
David leans down and yanks on the head of the costume. We hear a decidedly
familiar voice shriek “OWWWWWWWW”, as David pulls the head away and reveals
“Richie?” Maddie queries.
David is less than amused. “Rich, what the hell are you doing here?
And wearing that?”
Richie sits up and begins to rub a knot on his forehead.
“Gee bro, thanks for all the concern. Not, are ya dead, Rich?
Are ya hurt, Rich? Just what are you doing here?”
The day’s frustration seems to have taken a toll on David. He starts
to yell, and immediately the dogs spring into action again.
“Cripes, now see what you did, Rich? Hey pooches, would you like a
The barking of the dogs seems to unnerve Maddie. “David, quit fooling
around, will you?”
“You call it fooling around…I call it survival of the fittest.”
He gestures towards Richie. “I’d rather see them gnawing on this clucker’s
leg than your shapely thigh.”
Maddie shakes her head. “Richie, get up. David, get him a chair.
Are you OK?
“Now, again, what are you doing here dressed like that?
David shoves a chair in Richie’s direction, then looks towards the dogs,
growling at them. They again sit down quietly.
He looks towards Maddie and Richie and shrugs. “What can I tell you?
It’s a gift.”
Maddie’s glare momentarily silences David.
“See, you try and be a nice guy, and what does it get you? I was bringing
you guys some lunch. Where’s my bucket?”
He rises and picks up a take out bucket that has rolled off beside the door.
David starts to laugh. “This your new job, Rich? Chicken delivery
guy? I really dig the threads.”
“Hey, don’t knock it. Koo Koo Roo is a great place to work, and I could
be a manager in six months.”
“What does the manager get to wear, Rich? A rooster costume?”
Richie increases the volume. “Should’ve known better than to think I’d get
David shouts back. “Another lame brained, you’ll have it for five minutes
The dogs erupt.
David snarls, “Where’s that bucket?’
He hurls pieces of fried chicken at the dogs, who descend upon them hungrily.
He snidely smiles at his brother. “You’re right, Rich, where would
we have been without you here today?”
Richie rises, as if to go after David. Maddie interrupts, the voice
“This is pointless. Richie, what happened to you? How did you
get that lump on your head?”
“I walked in, and the place was all dark. I leaned over to turn on
the lights, and those dogs went wild.
I turned around to go out the way I came in, and somebody whacked me.
Next thing I knew, my loving brother here was pulling on my head.”
“Head is a relative term, son.”
“Will you two please knock it off? How come I feel like a referee whenever
the two of you are within ten feet of each other?”
David responds, “Cause you’re always with one winner and one LOSER.”
The door to David’s office opens, and the Headless Horseman exits, amidst
the sounds of children’s laughter.
Maddie gasps, “I forgot all about the kids. David, you’ve got to go
over there, and get those dogs out of here now.”
David looks at her like she is clearly insane. “I would think you would
want to be a little more careful with my body, considering how badly you
were lusting after it just a few minutes ago.”
He looks towards Bert, who has removed his costume’s head. “Viola,
man the phones. First call the police, tell them they need to get back
here. Jeez, if there are many more days like today, we oughta consider
putting them on retainer……then see if you can get somebody from animal control
Bert inquires, “What should I tell them, sir?”
“Tell them we’ve got a couple of kid eating dogs here, and I’m not sure they
know the difference between a trick or a treat.
Various shrieking reactions….”David!”………..”Mr. Addison……”…….”Yo, Dave”.
“All right, all right……lead me to the sensitivity training. Tell them
that someone’s been assaulted….and we’re not sure if he has been mentally
Richie sneers, while Bert busies himself on the phone. Maddie and David
huddle together, mere inches of air separating them.
David hisses, “I told you we shouldn’t have come back here. The clock
is ticking, sweetheart.”
“Hey, you’re not the only one who is operating under a time constraint here.
This day is definitely not turning out as we planned.”
“Yeah, so far, I’ve been out of bed for eight hours more than I expected
to be. I could just choke the chicken”.
“David……….I don’t think you can say that.”
“I just did. Anyway, you know what I mean. I’ve gotten a little
cranky since I’ve missed my nooner – hell, given current circumstances, looks
like we might miss November!”
She gives him a sly look. “Not a chance, I guarantee you. It
just might require some “creative planning”, shall we say?”
“Ooooooh baby, I like the way you think.”
She grins, “I knew it all the time. It’s my brain you’re attracted
“Although your grey matter is very sexy, my love, it’s not quite what I’m
after at this moment.”
Looks are exchanged, sparks fly.
“As the chicken would say, talk is cheep, baby. Better be very soon.”
The door to David’s office opens and Agnes sticks her head out.
“Bert, did you get more cups? Miss Hayes, Mr. Addison, I thought you
left hours ago.”
David remarks sullenly, “Had to deal with a little leftover chicken.”
Agnes looks confused. “What’s going on out here?”
Maddie shakes her head. “You’re better off just rereading pages seven
through nine. C’mon Agnes, I’ll help you with the kids while Mr. Addison
resolves some issues out here. Right, David?”
“I’ll do my darndest. Meanwhile, do something for me. Walk away
“Do something for me. Talk to your brother. There’s something
strange going on with him, I feel it.”
“Stranger than usual? How could you tell?”
Maddie saunters away slowly, with a glance back over her shoulder.
David groans with frustration and barks at Bert, “Where the hell are the
“They’re on their way, Mr. Addison. Can I do anything else for you?
The door to Maddie’s office opens, and three little heads pop out, looking
“Yeah, Bert, go keep the little goblins occupied, before they turn into doggie
“Sure thing, boss.”
David throws himself into a chair near Richie and pouts. Richie tries
to strike up a conversation.
“So, bro, why so ragged? What’s gotten under your skin?”
“Nothing….that’s the point of this whole pointless day. We’re not even
supposed to be here. It’s like a conspiracy. Maybe it’s a payback
for all the pages and pages of double entendre…….those that can, do…. those
that can’t, talk about it.”
“Ya lost me, Dave.”
“Hardly the first time, Rich. See if you can keep up. The doctor
just gave Maddie and I the all clear to…..well, shall we say, renew old acquaintances.
At the rate we’re going, I’m gonna forget how to do it by the time we get
around to it.”
“Still? You mean, for a whole month you haven’t………..you couldn’t……….not
David interrupts. “Let’s not even go there. All I want to do
is get this stuff all taken care of and get the cluck out of here.”
He changes the subject. “How’s your head?”
Richie winces. “Still attached, and it hurts like hell. Hey,
what time is it?”
David glances at his watch. “Almost two.”
“I was due back from lunch at 12:30. Not a good move on your first
“Rich, maybe fast food delivery is not necessarily a line of work that you
should be pursuing.”
“That’s chicken ambassador to you.”
“Who are you kidding, Rich?”
He pauses a moment, then responds, “Yeah, who am I kidding?”
The brothers sit for a moment, silently commiserating. David finally
speaks. “You want me to call Amy to come and get you?”
Richie speaks quickly, “No…….I mean…..well, she doesn’t even know anything
about this job. Think I’d like to keep it that way.”
He muses for a moment, then grins at David. “Look at us. Who
would have ever thought it? The Addison boys, up to our ……..”
“Keep it clean, Rich.”
“Up to our elbows in power women. It’s a little ………heavy sometimes,
“Well, don’t you think the “control” issue is a little hard to handle sometimes?”
David laughs. “I like my woman a little out of control.”
Richie gives him a blank stare. David realizes that this is more than
a killing time conversation.
“Rich, is there something you need – “
His question is interrupted by the opening of the office door. Two
men enter, dressed in khaki colored coveralls, carrying what appear to be
nets and ropes. Their names stitched over their pockets indicate that
one is named “Smith” and the other “Jones”. The dogs begin barking
at their appearance.
Smith announces, “Animal Control. Hear you’ve got a problem here.”
David looks at them and remarks drolly, “Uh huh.”
“These the dogs?”
With a “can you believe this?” look at Richie, David again responds, “Uh
“And you have no idea who they belong to, where they came from?”
“Not even an inkling”, David retorts.
The dogs have again settled quietly. Jones walks towards them cautiously.
He is able to approach them, and pats one on the top of his head with a gloved
Jones looks over triumphantly. “Vicious – ha! These dogs are
well trained. They appear to be well cared for. They certainly
aren’t attack dogs. And you have no idea who left them?
Richie chimes in, “Call me crazy, but I’d bet on whoever bopped me on the
Smith asks gruffly, “So you want ‘em out of here, huh?”
David rolls his eyes and sighs audibly. He cannot believe this day.
“Fellas, I got twenty little kids in there at a Halloween party that is just
about to break up. Yes, I want them out of here – especially before
that kid in the hamburger costume comes back out here.”
The two men exchange puzzled glances, look at each other and shrug.
“OK, just sign here, and we’ll take them out of your hair.”
“Jeez, even the extras get to do hair jokes. Alright, thanks a lot,
be seeing ya, git along little doggies.”
David is shooing them out the door, as two police officers attempt to enter.
Smith remarks, “Look Jonesey, the men in blue.”
The brawnier of the policemen retorts, “And here we have the men with poo.”
Smith comments, “I’ll take my animals over the animals you pick up any day.”
“Ah, take your pooper scooper and beat it, Smith.”
“Happy Halloween, DelVecchio. Don’t take any poison apples.”
Smith and Jones exit, and the police officers step in.
David smiles. “Good afternoon, Officer DelVecchio. It’s gratifying
to hear that you have lots of friends….just reinforcing the impression that
I got at the police station this morning.”
“Addison, not that it wasn’t a pleasure getting to know you and your little
sidekick, but twice in one day? I really hate repetition.”
“Should lighten up on your paperwork…maybe you can just photocopy it.”
“C’mon Addison, cut to the chase.
“No chase in this scene…..maybe later. But you know, DelVecchio, you
weren’t the dream date I had picked out for today either. I had much
better things planned before somebody decided to deposit those four legged
barking machines in my office – AND conk my brother on the head.”
“Your brother the one in the chicken suit?”
“Shoulda known, birds of a feather and all that.” DelVecchio gets a
good laugh out of that one.
The door to David’s office opens and Maddie emerges.
“David, Agnes says it’s about time for the costume contest. Their parents
should be waiting for them in the lobby. Is everything OK?”
David looks to DelVecchio for confirmation. “OK, officer?”
“Fine, fine. Meanwhile, I’ll take your brother’s statement.
Maddie beckons to Agnes and she brings a crowd of children, all dressed in
Halloween costumes and carrying goodie bags.
Master of Ceremonies Addison jumps to the front of the group.
“OK everybody, let’s get in a straight line, hold hands, and here we go….
He heads off towards the elevator, pulling Maddie and the kids along with
him, and singing as he goes.
“Follow the….errr……gray carpet road
Follow the gray carpet road
Follow, follow, follow, follow
Follow the gray carpet road……..
We’re off to see the wizard
The wonderful wizard of Blonde.”
They arrive at the elevator, and David looks over at Agnes. “You got
it from here, Miss DiPesto?”
“Sure thing, Mr. Addison.”
Agnes and the kids pile into the elevator, while Maddie and David smile,
and wave goodbye. As soon as the doors close, David forges into action.
He grabs Maddie’s arm and jerks her through the nearest door. He pushes
her back against the closed door, and begins to kiss her neck. She
purrs contentedly, and after a moment, opens her eyes to look around her.
His mouth otherwise occupied, David responds with a muffled, “Hmmmm?”
“David, stop for a minute. Are we in the Men’s room?”
“And who says blondes can’t go to the head of the class? What do you
think? How does this measure up to your idea of a creative spot?……..Ooops,
forgot one thing.”
He reaches around behind Maddie and clicks the lock on the door.
“There you have it. Do not disturb”.
Maddie pulls away, and walks into the middle of the room. She turns
and gives us a 360 degree view – stalls, sinks, mirrors, urinals…..typical
David comes up behind her, wrapping his hands around her waist.
“So what do you think? A little creative, a little naughty, a little………..”
“That’s the spirit!”
“No David, I mean dirty……skeevey……yuck! How can I ever think about
us making love in the place where McGillicuddy reads the morning paper every
“So I guess the library is out too?” He holds on her expression.
“C’mon Maddie, we’ll make news of our own…and I promise you, we’ll wash our
hands when we finish.”
“No, David, I just couldn’t stoop that low.”
He looks at her pleadingly. “Could you just stand?”
They are interrupted by a banging on the door……and Bert’s voice is heard.
“Hello………..Mr. Addison, are you in there?”
David puts his finger to his lips, signaling for silence.
“Mr. Addison, the police need to speak with you. It seems to be urgent.”
Maddie breaks the silence. “We’ll be right out, Mr. Viola.”
David looks at her and laughs. “Well, there goes your reputation, Miss.
Tell us exactly how you earned that letter. Hanging in the boy’s room…tsk,
tsk. You’ll probably get expelled.”
Maddie walks up to him so that their noses are almost touching. Her
tone is serious, and urgent.
“Let’s go back in there, get this thing resolved, and get the hell out of
They exit the rest room and head back to the office. Agnes, Bert and
Richie are all seated, with strange expressions on their faces.
David proclaims, “Well, folks it’s been an interesting and decidedly unexpected
pleasure spending the day with you, but my partner and I need to go to tend
to some urgent business. Compadres, I’ll see you when I get back from
DC. Stay cool.”
David and Maddie head for the door, but Officer DelVecchio rises from his
chair. “Just a minute Addison. I’m afraid you’re not going anywhere.
Nor is anybody else.”
“C’mon DelVecchio, this has been mildly amusing, but enough is enough.”
“Tell that to my sergeant. He just informed me that the security guard
who died last evening did not die of a heart attack. His autopsy indicates
the presence of a toxic substance. They are doing further tests, but
until we have some more results, this is a designated crime scene – nothing
gets touched or moved……and nobody, but nobody leaves this floor.”
David goes ballistic.
“That is absolutely ridiculous. This so called crime happened over
12 hours ago. There have been about 700 little kids in this office,
putting their sticky little hands all over everything. What can you
possibly find that hasn’t been totally compromised?”
“You’re a detective, Addison. You oughta know, things turn up in the
oddest places. You’ve got two choices…….you can stay here and cooperate,
or you can go to the police station and be charged with obstruction of justice.”
David puts his head into his hands.
“Just great. And how long do you think this is gonna take? It’s almost
“We’ve got a couple of teams from the crime lab on their way right now.
Once they get here, we’ll start in the offices – yours and Miss Hayes’s.
The more cooperative you are, the faster this can be resolved.
“DelVecchio………really, where can I nominate you for compassionate policeman
of the year? You’re just a peach.”
“Not here to make friends, Addison, just to get my job done. Everybody
is confined to this floor……and please stay out of the offices, until we are
finished in there.”
“Don’t forget the corner where the dogs were, DelVecchio. I think there’s
a big pile of something you should be investigating there.”
Scene 4 – Blue Moon - Later
We watch a clock…its hands making the long circle that marks an hour passed.
There is no conversation. Richie picks feathers out of his costume
and deposits them in a pile on the floor. Agnes and Bert are playing
cards, a game that seems to require no words, but the synchronization of
their thinking. David paces, until we think perhaps he will wear a
path in the carpet. Maddie sits and stares out the window.
Bert has a thought……”Do you think we should try and figure this thing out?”
David shakes his head. “That’s not our job, Bert. All we’re supposed
to do is throw in a couple of monkey wrenches and move it along to the next
writer………Lizzie, I think.”
“But sir, I still don’t get the part about the dogs.”
David holds his hands out in a gesture of “who knows?” and shrugs his shoulders.
He seems to be energized by a thought.
“Who wants a cup of coffee? I know I could sure use a cup of coffee.
Whaddya say we make coffee?”
Maddie looks at him amused. “Would you like some coffee, David?”
“Sure, I could use a shot of Joe. Wanna help me?”
He makes some exaggerated gestures to indicate that Maddie should come with
Agnes stands. “I can do that, Mr. Addison.”
David and Maddie speak as one. “NO!!”
Maddie adds quickly, “We’ve got it well in hand, Agnes. Finish your
They start to walk through the room, as David whispers to her.
“I sure hope the coffee is in the storage cabinet in the Xerox room, or we
are gonna look like two pluperfect idiots.”
“Hmmmmm…the Xerox room. Need to make some copies?”
“Actually, I’m looking to make more of a ….shall we say, an impression?”
They enter a small room containing little more than a copier, and a storage
cabinet. Maddie closes and locks the door behind them, while David
reaches into the cabinet and pulls out a blanket, stored on the top shelf.
He drops it on the floor, and turning to look at Maddie, hits the button
on a small radio on a shelf. The seductive tones of Barry White pour
out of the speaker.
“So, is this any better? If we turn out the light, we can make love
by the eerie glow of the copier light.”
Maddie approaches David, and winding herself around him, says, “And the copier
does add a little bit of mystery. Just think, there are probably a
hundred and one ways to………….
David silences her with his kiss……..a long, long kiss which quickly escalates
their situation. There is a knock on the door………they stop and exchange
a glance. They can hardly believe yet another interruption.
Agnes’s voice is soft, and apologetic. “The police want me to make
David grabs a magic marker and a blank sheet of paper, and scrawls some letters,
then slides it under the door.
Agnes picks up the paper. We can see clearly written, the words “OUT
OF ORDER”. Agnes smiles to herself, and taking a piece of scotch tape,
secures the sign to the Xerox room door, and walks away.
Maddie and David grapple with each other, their passion propelling them around
the room, and off the various objects found there. While holding onto
Maddie with one arm, David uses his other to try and push the Xerox machine
into the corner. He clears a space on the floor, and haphazardly spreads
the blanket, as they sink to the floor.
As David positions himself against Maddie’s side, he hits the Xerox machine
with his elbow, causing the front cover to open. A bag filled with
white powder falls to the floor, landing next to Maddie. David just
stares at it for a moment, then looks at Maddie.
“I have a feeling that’s not the coffee creamer.”
“This is absurd.” Maddie says disgustedly pulling away from David.
“Come on Maddie.” He puts the package back into the copy machine and
closes the door. “I won’t tell if you don’t.” He starts to kiss
her neck again, but Maddie pushes him away roughly.
“You know what? I don’t want to do this anymore.”
“Anymore? What this?”
“THIS This.” She says buttoning up her blouse and standing up.
“This is tawdry and vulgar.”
“Two of my best traits.”
“I’m done. I will not do it on the floor of the supply room.”
David opens his mouth, but Maddie continues. “I will not do it in the
men’s room. I will not do it in the elevator or in the car.”
“You do not like green eggs and ham?”
“David, I am an adult woman – over 40. I own a business and a house
and I have a right to have s—make love in my own home in my own bed.
I am not some hormone-crazed teenager who’s hiding from my parents.
I am not having an affair. We are two consenting adults --”
“I have consented.”
“We have a right.”
“A right to do it in the copy room.”
“Are you serious? Are you that … HARD UP?”
“Hard up? Maddie, It’s been FOUR weeks.”
“Yes, four weeks is a long time to NOT … NOT … not do it, but each of us
has gone far longer for a less worthy reason. No. No. No.
This is wrong. Sick and wrong.”
David thinks for a moment. “OK … Ok … I hear you. Don’t get the
‘sick and wrong’ part, but I am with you. This is not my idea of romantic
either. So, what’s the plan?”
“We are going home.”
Maddie turns on her heel convinced that she is going to go home. The
fact that her skirt is twisted with the slit now in the front rather than
the back that her buttons are cockeyed and her hair is askew does not diminish
her determination. David grabs her hand and turns her back to him.
She is about to protest, but he wordlessly smoothes her hair, fixes her buttons
and adjusts her skirt. He kisses her lightly on the lips.
“I got your back, Blondie.” He smiles, grabs his suit coat and smoothes
his own hair and nods to the door. “Let’s go home.”
Maddie turns to leave and David retrieves the package from the copier and
stuffs it in his coat pocket.
Scene 5 – Blue Moon – More Later
Bert goes over to where DelVecchio is digging through the giant plastic pumpkin
looking for “the good” stuff. The floor around him is covered with
“What exactly are we doing here, DelVecchio?”
“Waiting.” He pulls out a black wrapped molasses kiss. “What
is the purpose of these? I thought they stopped making those back in
the 60’s.” Drops it back into the pumpkin and pulls out a package of
Smarties. “Smarties … now there is a blast from the past.”
“Waiting for what?” Bert reaches over and pulls a snack size Snickers
out of the pile that DelVecchio was saving for later.
“For something to happen.” He glares at the Snickers in Bert hand.
Bert loses it and throws it back onto the desk. “Well I have won the
last three games of gin rummy, and Mr. Addison’s brother has nearly plucked
himself raw and Mr. Addison and Miss Hayes have locked themselves in the
Xerox room. Is that SOMETHING enough?”
“Nope.” He says distractedly as he pops a Hershey’s Kiss in his mouth.
“This is stupid. The security guard was killed across town. Why
is this a CRIME SCENE?”
“There was another CHICKEN attack here and two of the same players are here.”
“You think there is a serial chicken killer? You think that Mr. Addison
or I had something to do with this?”
“Following orders,” he shrugged, scanning Bert up and down. “Who are
you supposed to be, Icabod Crane?”
“The Headless Horseman.” Bert says proudly.
“No head? Is that perfect casting or what?” Bert glares.
“Let the LAPD do the detecting for you, MR. Horseman. Go sit down.”
He hands him a Mr. Goodbar.
“You are a card DelVecchio.”
“This Joker is wild.”
“So waiting for the crime labs guys was just a ruse?”
“Pretty much. I answer to a higher authority.”
Just then, the doors open and Jones, of the famous Smith and Jones animal
control act, reenter with the dogs. The dogs see Richie and immediately
jump on him knocking him to the ground, licking, whining and wagging their
tiny little tails.
“Guess they like chicken.” Jones says snidely to Richard.
“Get ‘em off of me.” Richie mumbles with a face full of dog lips.
Jones whistles to the dogs and orders them into the corner, where they go
In the doorway is framed a tiny little man dressed in a rumpled overcoat.
His hair is messy, he is slouching and he is holding an unlit half-smoked
cigar and pen in one hand and a notepad in the other.
“Yeah … um … Am I in the right place?”
“Columbo?” Agnes asks.
“I’m Lieutenant Pillarsky from central division. I am looking for Detective
“You look just like Columbo,” she protests.
“Pillarsky. Lieutenant.” He defends.
“Bert, doesn’t he look like Columbo?” Agnes calls over to Bert.
“Exact duplicate. Right down to the …”
Bert tilts his head to see if one of his eyes is glass. Pillarsky gets angry.
“I am NOT Columbo and Peter Falk has the glass eye not me.”
The dogs start barking but do not leave the corner.
“Put those dogs in an office. I told you to keep them out of sight.”
Pillarsky barks the order to Jones. Jones complies quickly.
DelVecchio whispers to Bert as he passes. “Don’t talk about Columbo.
Pillarsky was the inspiration for that character and he is a little sensitive
about it. Says that they have TOTALLY ruined him. He wanted features
not some stupid TV show.”
“DelVecchio. A moment?” Pillarsky barks again gesturing to the
hallway. DelVecchio slams the pumpkin into Bert’s chest, forcing Bert
to take it.
DelVecchio and Pillarsky go out into the hall to talk privately.
David and Maddie emerge from the Xerox room and join Bert and Agnes.
“What is going on? Why are the dogs back here?” David asks.
“No idea.” Agnes says truthfully.
“Where are they now?” Maddie adds.
“Your office, Miss Hayes.”
“This is just ridiculous. If they ruin the carpet, I am billing the
“But we have a new player.” Agnes nods to the two men outside.
“Oh great, Columbo is here.”
“Don’t call him that. He is very sensitive about it.” Bert helps.
Maddie stomps away, her determination squelched.
The L.T. and the Detective reenter from the hall. A third man enters
behind them. He is dressed in a dark suit that hangs nicely on his
muscular build. He has a bulge in his pocket - HIS COAT POCKET (man
you people are hotter than David and Maddie) – has an earpiece in his ear
and is wearing dark sunglasses. He quietly takes a position near the
door and doesn’t say anything. Agnes takes note of him but does not
“I am sorry to keep you all waiting.” Pillarsky begins. “I was
held up at the warehouse. Clues can be found in the strangest places.
But what am I saying? You people are the HOLLYWOOD … excuse me, Beverly
Hills Detectives. I am not telling you anything you don’t already know.”
“Right.” David says. “You know, sometimes what you think is a
clue really isn’t a clue and you spend a lot of time – valuable, precious,
unrecoverable time - spinning your wheels and going down wrong alleys following
a clue that really isn’t a clue while what is a clue is ignored -- helping
the bad guy (the creator of the real clue) to get away and making innocent
wrong clue creators suffer and lose valuable, prec-.”
“Time. Yeah. Right. I get it. Who are you?”
“Addison, David Addison. Detective David Addison.”
“Well, thank you Mr. Addison for your INSIGHTFUL if not ridiculous lesson
in detecting. Let the professionals handle it from here.
Oh, that’s right. People pay you for this drivel, don’t they?
No accounting for how some people spend their money. Watch and learn.”
Agnes leans over to Bert. “He doesn’t sound like Columbo.”
Pillarsky hears Agnes comment and glares at her until she retreats behind
the desk. Slowly he turns to look at DelVecchio. “Is everyone
“Waiting for the woman.”
“What woman?” David demands.
Marks, DelVecchio’s long lost and apparently silent partner enters from the
hallway, carrying take out food: pizza, Chinese, and BBQ.
“Thank God. I haven’t eaten all day.” Pillarsky says. “Is there
enough for all of us?”
“I guess.” Marks is a man of few words. In fact these are the
first he has spoken all episode and will probably be the last.
“Take out? What are we waiting for? You can’t keep us like this.”
“I beg your pardon, Mr. Addison. If you like we can take this little
party down to the precinct. I think 24 hours is the law. Am I right
DelVecchio? 24 hours?”
“24 hours. Think that’s right L.T.” DelVecchio says with a mouth
full of chow mein. “Eggrolls?” He asks Marks, who tosses him
David steals a look at Maddie. She is looking out the window drumming
her nails on the desk, and if there were any bullets around she would be
The well-built well-dressed man by the door looks a little uncomfortable
and talks into his sleeve, listens for a moment and goes back into his Secret
Service stance. No one notices him at all.
“Can you at least tell us WHAT we are waiting for?”
“Not a WHAT – a WHO.” Pillarsky says pulling out a big slice of pizza
with everything on it.
Richie comes up behind David and says. “I really gotta get out of this
“You and me both.”
“No, not here … this. I think I am having a reaction to the chicken
suit.” Richie is now scratching furiously at his back and legs.
“So take it off.”
“I was really into it this morning and really wanted to experience the WHOLE
thing. You know.”
“You got nothing on under those feathers, well what is left of them?”
Richie just smiles. “Amazing. Absolutely amazing.” David
waves to his office. “Check the closet.”
Richie slips into David’s office. Agnes and Bert grab some food
and go back to their game. David grabs a couple of sodas, and a container
of Kung Pao Chicken and joins Maddie. She does not look at him. He
touches her shoulder and she pulls away.
“This is not my fault Maddie.”
“So why are you mad at me?”
“Just mad in my general direction.”
“In all directions.”
“I can cancel Washington.”
“No, actually you can’t.”
“Come with me then.”
“Stop it David.” Her loudly hushed voice attracts attention.
“Just stop it.”
Pillarsky looks over at her. “Miss Hayes, can I just say that you are
“You say anything other than ‘you are free to go’ and I will shove these
chopsticks down your throat.” She gives him her iciest glare.
He shrugs. “You are free to go, Miss Hayes.”
“Excuse me?” She looks up hopefully.
He pulls out his notepad. “Addison, David. Viola, Herbert Q – what’s
the Q for?”
“Uh huh.” He takes note of Bert. “What are you supposed to be?”
“The Headless horseman.”
Pillarsky runs his tongue along his teeth. “Right.” He looks
back down at his note pad. “And Addison, Richard.” He looks up
“Yeah the chicken is my brother.”
“Figures. That’s it. That is all I need. The rest of you
are free to go.”
Maddie looks at David then turns back to the window.
“You mean I can go?” Agnes says hopefully.
“You are?” Pillarsky asks.
“DiPesto, Agnes. Wicked Witch of the East.”
“You can go.”
Agnes jumps up and Bert looks upset.
“You aren’t gonna leave me here, are you?”
“It’s Halloween, Herbert. Trick-o-treat? Kids wanting candy?
They will destroy the house if I am not there to give out treats. You
know I spent hours on the popcorn balls. They can’t go to waste.
I gotta go.”
“But Agnes.” Bert whines.
She shrugs and turns to Maddie. “Miss Hayes? Can I give you a
“No thank you Agnes. If the staff of Blue Moon is under suspicion,
it is my responsibility to find out why.”
David looks hurt. “THE STAFF? Sounds like we’re an infection,
“I wish antibiotics would clear this up,” she says over her shoulder.
The phone rings, Agnes tries to answer it but is prevented by DelVecchio.
“Yeah … Yeah … Yeah … Ok.” He hangs up and nods to the LT.
“It should all be over soon.”
“So this mystery woman has arrived, eh?”
Agnes gets her stuff together. Maddie turns her attention back to the
room. And they all wait quietly.
Scene 6 – Blue Moon – Later Still
DelVecchio hasn’t stopped eating and makes a lot of noise doing it.
Eventually everyone has turned their attention to him. He finally stops
and looks up with a mouth full of coleslaw and BBQ sauce all over his face.
“You need to give your stomach a rest, DelVecchio.” David quips.
Moments later the elevator door dings and two people are heard coming down
the hall. One is clearly a woman speaking Spanish at the top over voice.
She is angry. They turn the corner and come into the office, the woman
and a uniformed police officer.
The woman scans the room. She is clearly very angry. She spies
Bert and rushes to him and grabs at him.
“Berto, Berto. Ayudame. These man, he come to my house, he take me
away from my bambinos. Mi madre, mi madre is very sick. They
don’t tell me nothing. I don’t know nothing. I told them nothing.”
Bert is a little embarrassed with this attention and under Agnes’s glare.
“Mr. Viola?” Maddie asks. “Do you know this woman?”
“No. I mean yes. Well sort of.” Bert defends.
“Let me do the introductions.” Pillarsky helps. “This is Maria Conchita
Serano Alonzo, she is one of the housekeepers at the warehouse you were guarding
“Bert?” David asks. “Is this who you were talking with all night?”
“ALL NIGHT?” Agnes demands.
“Not all night.”
“No not all night.” Pillarsky helps. “But long enough to give
her an alibi for the murder, or provide one for himself.”
“HIMSELF?” Maddie gets up. “What motive would Mr. Viola have
for killing the security guard?”
“That depends on how involved are Mr. Viola and Miss Alonzo.”
“Involved? I met her last night.” Bert defends a little more weakly.
“Mr. Addison why were you hired to watch the warehouse?”
“Client confidentiality.” David says smugly.
“Would it surprise you to know that more than $50,000 worth of merchandise
was removed from the warehouse – the very warehouse you were paid to watch
– last night? Last night … the night the security guard was killed.
The night that your associate spent ‘talking’ with Miss Alonzo here?”
“So you are telling me that Mr. Halifax – the owner of the warehouse – hired
you to determine how his merchandise was being stolen. You watched
this warehouse for a week, never saw anything out of the ordinary.
You didn’t notice that $50,000 worth of merchandise (at least a large van
load or two) was removed from the warehouse and the security guard was killed
and you didn’t see a thing. Nothing out of the ordinary? Nothing
that might give you a CLUE – good or bad – that anything was not on the up
and up? While you sat in your car less than 100 feet away?”
David sits down.
“What I can’t figure is if you are really that inept or if you are somehow
in on it.”
“I can vouch for them Lieutenant; David and Bert are not killers.”
Maddie says without looking at David.
“So they are both inept?”
“Is there another option?” David asks shyly.
“Well, the only other option is that you too were duped, and your boy Viola
and his little Spanish senorita here are in on it together.”
Bert pulls away from Maria. “I am not IN on anything.”
Pillarsky nods to Jones who is standing by Maddie’s door. He opens
the door and the dogs come tearing out. They head directly for Maria.
They get between she and Bert. They become very rigid, growl and otherwise
look fierce. Maria of course jumps back but the more she moves the
louder the growling gets and the closer they come to her. The man by
the door puts his hand inside his coat.
“I would stand very still if I were you Miss Alonzo.” Pillarsky nods
to Jones. “Thank you Jones, take them away.” Jones stands the
dogs down, leashes them and takes them out. “Marks – book her.”
Marks leads her out of the room.
“What the hell was that all about?” David asks.
“The dogs belonged to the security guard. They witnessed the murder.”
“This was some sort of line up for dogs?” David says.
“Why are you complaining? You are now free to go. They fingered
“This is no way to run a railroad.”
“Just remember Mr. Addison, you could have prevented all of this if you did
your job.” With that DelVecchio and Pillarsky go out into the hall
but do not leave.
Bert looks at Agnes, “It wasn’t all night and we were just talking.”
Agnes shakes her head and walks out with Bert trailing along after her.
Maddie and David are left alone, almost. David takes her in his arms.
“Well, Blondie. You heard the man. We are free to go.”
He checks his watch. “It’s after eight. We’ll be home by 8:45,
in bed by 8:47 and naked by 8:48. That gives us almost 10 hours before
the plane.” He kisses her lightly on the lips. “Unless you want
a little more romance?” Kiss on the neck. “We can stop by the
kitchen, “ kiss on the cheek, “for champagne,” kiss on the throat, “some
cheese or pretzels, “ kiss on the other side of her neck, “a bath, maybe?”
kiss on the high cheek bone, “A little bubbly in the bubbles?” He lets
his lips brush her lips lightly. “Mmmm?” He pulls back to look
at her. She is clearly enjoying the attention. “Any of this sound
like a plan?”
Maddie smiles slyly, takes his hand firmly and leads him out of the room.
As they exit, they finally take notice of the well-built, well-dressed man
in shades. “Who is that behind those Foster Grants?” David asks.
“You know what? Never mind. I don’t care who you are, why you
are here, what you want. Just lock up on the way out. Lock up?
Keys?” He looks to Maddie who is dangling them from her index finger.
The man follows them down the hall.
DelVecchio and Pillarsky are still talking in front of the elevator.
“You ruined my day Pillarsky, but I am planning a night that even you can’t
ruin.” David says.
The door opens and Maddie, David and the well-built well-dressed man step
in. David gives him an odd look, and pulls Maddie closer to him.
Maddie feels the package of white power in his pocket and pulls it out.
“Here Pillarsky.” She tosses it to him. “Make yourself useful.
Find out who put that in our copier.”
David looks at her as if she is out of her mind. Pillarsky turns over
the package in his hands and just as the elevator door is about to close,
he sticks his foot in.
“You two aren’t going anywhere.”
Scene 7 – Blue Moon – Inside David’s office
Richie’s voice is calling from the bathroom. “David? … DAVID? … MADDIE?
… AGNES? … ANYONE? … HELLO? … NEED A LITTLE HELP IN HERE!” Richie steps
from the bathroom. He is completely naked with the exception of the
chicken head. He is pulling at it and it seems like he can’t get it
off. He pulls a towel off the rack, wraps it around himself and heads
to the main office.
Scene 8 - Back at the
“Way to go, Maddie. God made you blonde for a reason,” David mutters
as first he, then Maddie, then the well-built, well-dressed man exit the
elevator on Pillarsky’s order.
Pillarsky stops the man by putting his hand on the man’s chest. “And
who the hell are you anyway?”
Maddie gasps, “You mean he’s not with you?”
“No, he’s not with me,” Pillarsky says in a singsong voice. “I thought
he was with you two.”
“Well, I don’t know him. Maddie?”
“I certainly don’t know who he is.” They are all staring at the well-built,
well-dressed man suspiciously. The man removes his glasses and heaves
a heavy sigh. “All right. Please follow me down the hall to your
office,” he orders Maddie.
Maddie looks at each man in turn, waiting for one of them to object or intervene
or do SOMETHING. Then they hear a crash from inside the office.
They run down the hall, Maddie quickly unlocks the door, and as they creep
back into the waiting room, a huge figure looms out of the darkness, stumbling
around the room like a huge ping-pong ball. The figure bumps into Maddie
who screams and knocks over DelVecchio who falls into Pillarsky and knocks
him to the floor. He yells out, “Hey!” and starts scrambling for his
gun as David hits the lights.
“Richie! Hey, don’t shoot!” David yells at the lieutenant who lowers
“Dave! Thank God you came back. I thought you forgot about me.”
“I try Richie, but you don’t make it easy.”
“I can’t get this thing off and I can’t see a thing. Help me with this,
“Why does this not surprise me?” Maddie sighs as she sinks onto a swivel
“Sweet Jesus in a canoe. It’s only the chicken.” DelVecchio holds
his chest, relieved.
“Somebody get that thing off his head before I blow it off,” Pillarsky threatens.
David and Detective DelVecchio grab the chicken head by the scant feathers
and the beak as Richie bends over and backs up…sans towel at this point.
Maddie finds herself face to face with Richie’s bare backside. She
quietly rolls her chair out of harm’s way.
“Heave…ho,” David and the detective say in unison. The head finally
pops off sending Richie onto the cold leather sofa. As soon as he makes
contact he realizes that his towel is gone. He jerks up off the sofa,
looking about wildly and covering… what needs to be covered. He spies
his towel at the end of Maddie’s outstretched arm, her other hand covering
her eyes. As soon as he gets the towel back on, he looks around the
“Uh…thanks. I would have been here till the cows came home—“
“I’ve never understood that expression,” DelVecchio ponders. David
adds disgustedly. “Richie, were you planning on wearing the towel home?
Is that your idea of a Halloween costume?”
“I’m taller than you, Dave. You have a pair of jeans in there but they’re
“We’ll report you to GQ in the morning, alright Rich? Just go put the
damn things on so you can get out of here. Which brings us to my next
question…” David looks over at Pillarsky who is standing with his head cocked,
chewing on his soggy unlit cigar. “When can WE get out of here?”
“You’ve got some questions to answer before you go anywhere, Addison.
Like what is this and where did you two find it?” He holds up the bag
of white powder.
“I told you. We found it inside the copier. And I can assure
you that neither David nor myself know anything about it. We are not
drug smugglers, Lieutenant.”
“How do you know what this is then?”
“Any fool could see that it’s cocaine. Someone obviously hid it there
for safe keeping until he could come back for it.” She eyes the well-built,
Pillarsky, DellVechio, David, even Richie also turn on the man suspiciously.
Not the slightest bit disconcerted, the well-built, well-dressed man quickly
whips out a badge and ID. “Agent Hunter, Justice Department.
I’m here to make sure nothing happens to Mr. Addison before he boards his
plane to Washington tomorrow.”
“So why didn’t you say so?” Maddie asks incredulously.
“I prefer to keep my identity secret, Ma’am.”
“Even from the person you are trying to protect?”
“All information is supplied on a need-to-know basis. Now let’s see
if we can get you to your house with no further interruptions.” Agent
Hunter starts to escort Maddie and David out the door.
“Wait just a minute there. What about this stuff?” Pillarsky
swings the bag back and forth.
“Just put it in a corner and let it think about what it’s done,” David quips.
“Sorry, sir. A pending Federal case takes precedence over a local drug
bust. Mr. Addison is a Government witness.”
“Well, I’m not so sure I buy that. What is your badge number again?”
“Look Lieutenant. I don’t have time for this. You don’t even
know if what’s in that bag is an illegal substance. Until it is tested—“
“I can do that right now.” Pillarsky makes a show of opening up the
ziplock bag, licking his middle finger, dipping it in the white powder and
tasting it. He scowls then he tastes it again.
David elbows Agent Hunter. “A double dipper. I hate that.”
Literally unmoved by David’s comment, Agent Hunter says impatiently, “Well?”
“It’s sweet,” Pillarsky says. He looks inside the bag and sniffs the
contents. “This isn’t cocaine. It’s sugar!”
“Tell me if I’m wrong, Lieutenant, but I don’t think you can hold these people
for concealing sugar in their copy machine. Let’s go.”
David opens the office door and smugly holds out his arm to show the police
officers out. Maddie turns out the lights and locks the door.
They all proceed to the elevator. Inside Blue Moon, we hear a door
open quietly and Richie calls out tentatively, “Dave?”
Scene 9 – Inside the BMW
“I feel like we’ve just been rescued by the cavalry,” Maddie declares as
they begin to pull out of their parking space in the garage.
“Yeah, who would believe the same government that gave us the IRS and $500
toilet seats would actually show up and get us out of this mess and home
to bed.” He leers at her.
Maddie looks at her watch. “It’s almost midnight, David. You’ve
been up 24 hours. Aren’t you feeling too tired?”
They pull onto the street with Agent Hunter following close behind.
“Me? Tired? You know me, Maddie. I don’t wake up till after
midnight. Especially on a night like this when vampirism runs
amok. Which reminds me, I vant to suck your…neck.” He takes his
eyes off the road to nuzzle her. Maddie giggles and yelps as the car
swerves a bit. “Please keep your eyes in front, Addison.”
“Oh, if you insist. But only until we get home. Then I keep my eyes
on…Maddie…what are you doing?”
“Don’t worry, David. I don’t bite…much.” She loosens his tie, unbuttons
his shirt and starts kissing his chest. “But if there’s any nuzzling
to be done in this car, I’ll be the one to do it.”
Well, maybe you should hold off for just a minute there, Vampira.”
“Just warming up your engine,” she purrs.
“Maddie, my engine’s already running. This is going to send it into
overdrive…” He begins to drift to the side of the road.
She lifts her head and pushes the steering wheel back into the lane.
“David, if we pull over Agent Hunter will pull over right behind us.
Just get us home ASAP.”
He teases her, “Still don’t want to do it in the car? Boy, you didn’t
used to be this picky.”
“I just don’t want to do it in front of the Justice Department.”
“But you’d be ok with the car? ‘Cause I gotta tell you, I don’t think
we’re going to make it into the house.”
“Shut up and drive, David.” She pushes his leg down a little heavier
on the gas.
“I love it when you get mechanical.”
They pull onto a wide, winding street close to home. The street is largely
deserted except for an occasional parked car. Agent Hunter is behind
them following at a discreet distance. Maddie resumes her foreplay, unconcerned
about causing an accident and delighted in the fact that David is visibly
sweating and breathing hard. She feels the burning headlights
of the car coming up behind them and realizes that Agent Hunter is probably
getting an eyeful, but she’s not terribly concerned about that either.
As for David, he’s finding it increasingly difficult to concentrate on his
driving, but he keeps his eyes on the road, being careful to go only a few
miles over the speed limit. He rolls his eyes and swallows hard as
Maddie’s mouth and her hot breath brush against his ear, then his neck, continuing
downward. He looks in the rearview mirror and sees the car behind them
suddenly speeding up, almost on their bumper. “What the—Maddie!
They feel a jolt as the car hits their back bumper and starts pushing them
forward. Maddie screams and David tries to brake to no avail.
He squints and notices another set of headlights in his rearview mirror.
He pulls the wheel sharply to the left then the right trying to dislodge
his car from the one behind them. It feels like the two automobiles
are fused together.
“You’d think after all those chase scenes over the years I’d be a little
better at this.”
In a last ditch effort to stop the wild ride, he slams on his brakes as hard
as he can. The tires scream and smoke; they feel the car start to veer
and break free. David attempts to pull the car out of its spin.
He almost makes it until he sees the high headlights of an SUV coming right
for them. As Maddie puts her arm in front of her face and screams one
final time, the BMW collides head on with the oncoming SUV. They are
then hit from behind by Agent Hunter’s careening vehicle.
David pulls his head up slowly from the steering wheel. He’s aware
of flashing red lights and Maddie, who seems to be talking to him from faraway.
“Thank God we both had our seatbelts on. David, you’re bleeding. Are
you all right David? David…”
“The new car better have airbags,” he mumbles right before he blacks out.
Scene 10 – After the Crash
David is sitting with his feet hanging out the back of an ambulance, talking
to a concerned paramedic. “No. I don’t want to go to the hospital
for an x-ray. I don’t want to be examined by a doctor. The only
exam I want is from that woman standing over there, next to that pile of
“Mr. Addison, you could easily have a concussion. You lost consciousness
after the accident for a good five minutes. And that’s a pretty nasty
bump on your forehead.”
“Look, Miguel. I am not seeing double, I am not seeing spots.
I’ve had worse damage done to me in bar fights. All I want to do is
“You should be under observation. It could be dangerous if you just
go home and go to sleep.”
David points at Maddie standing next to a tow truck and her totaled car,
a blanket draped over her shoulders. She hasn’t taken her worried eyes
off David as she talks to the tow truck driver.
“Believe me, I have no intention of going to sleep.” The paramedic
nods his head and smiles slightly.
“Yeah, I hear ya, Mr. Addison. But let me give you some instructions.
Number one is don’t go to sleep for at least two to three hours—“
“Well, then just read over these instructions, sign here and you’re free
David hurriedly signs his name without reading what he’s signing, jumps off
the end of the ambulance and walks over to Maddie. She tenderly touches
the bandage covering the gash on his head. “What’s that saying about
the best laid plans?”
“Man, even the plans are getting la—“
“Mr. Addison? Miss Hayes?” A voice comes from behind.
“Pillarsky! What! WHAT is it now? Did you find baking soda
in my desk? Oregano in my Rolodex? What?”
“Take it easy…You two have had a rough night. I don’t know why, but
I feel kinda responsible for that.”
“Well, you should.” David looks over at the well-built, well-dressed
man aka Agent Hunter being taken away in handcuffs. “Why didn’t you
check that guy’s credentials?”
“Why didn’t you Mr. Hotshot Beverly Hills Detective? You’ve been following
that Anselmo guy for years. I’d have thought that you’d be familiar
with his henchmen by now. Lucky for you one of my officers noticed
you swerving all over the road before the accident and decided you looked
like a DUI waiting to happen. Why WERE you swerving all over the road
Getting no explanation from either of them, he shrugs and continues.
“Look, like I said. It’s been a rough night. I just wanted to
offer you a ride home in a squad car. You look like you could use some
“Thank you, Lieutenant. We gratefully accept. Come on, David.
Let’s go home.”
They are ushered by a tall plainclothes detective to the backseat of a patrol
car. An obvious transplant to Los Angeles, he tips his cowboy hat and
says in a Texas drawl, “Sir? Ma’am? I’m Lieutenant Hill.
Why don’t y’all make yourselves comfortable? Excuse me a minute.
I need to tell the Lieutenant something. I’ll be right back and we’ll
get y’all home safe and sound.”
A grateful Maddie thanks the officer as he closes the door. David is
stewing beside her. “David, are you sure you wouldn’t like to go to
“I’m sure.” He takes both her hands and looks at her with a mixture
of desperation and anger. “It’s 3AM Maddie. I’ve got to be at
the airport in three hours.”
“We’ll get you to the airport on time. And you can sleep on the plane,”
she assures him.
“That’s not what I’m thinking about. This was supposed to be a great
“I think it’s me. I’m jinxed. I should never plan anything on
Halloween. I should stay home and lock myself in a closet.”
“Only if it’s a closet built for two.”
He lays his head back on the seat. She looks at him for a moment, then
says brightly, “But guess what, David? Halloween is over. It’s
November first. And lots of things can happen in three hours.”
“Yeah, like an earthquake.”
“GOOD things, David. Nice things…”
“QUICK things. I didn’t want our first time together after a month
to be a quickie before I fly off to D.C.”
“You’re upset over a ‘quickie’? A few hours ago, you were willing to
do it on the floor in the supply room.” She smiles slyly.
He brushes her cheek lightly. “Yeah, come to think of it, I guess I’ll
take a quickie with you over just about anything, anywhere with anyone else.”
“Oh, David. That’s sweet.” She kisses him lightly on the lips,
but the next one comes more urgently than the first. They are in the
throes of a passionate lip lock when the police officer climbs into the front
“Well, my my. I think we’d better get you two home before I have to
arrest you for indecent exposure.” He starts tugging on a Plexiglas
partition that separates the front seat from the back. “You know usually
we close this to keep a criminal type out of reach, but I suspect you might
have a hankerin’ for some privacy.” He grins and closes the partition
the rest of the way.
David smiles at the tall man in the front seat. “I always liked McCloud
better than Columbo.”
The two of them sit in the backseat, hands in their laps, like two teenagers
being driven to a high school prom by her father. Feeling a little
embarrassed about their lack of self control, they don’t touch, don’t look
at each other until the car takes a curve, which gently nudges her into his
shoulder. He takes her hand and kisses her fingers softly, then looks
deeply into her eyes and gives her THAT grin……the one that infuriates her
and melts her heart in the same instant.
“David…” She lets his name hang in the air, her eyes telling him what he
“Me too…” he tells her softly. “Hey, we’re about two minutes away from
home. You wanna know the first thing I’m gonna do when we get there?”
“Let out the dog.”
“She’s been in that house all day, poor thing. We’ll have to be careful
where we step.”
“Ok, Maddie. I’ll let the dog out. Then you know what I want
“I can guess.”
“Take a long… hot… steamy shower.” Each word is punctuated with a kiss.
“…With a beautiful woman I used to know…in the biblical sense that is.
I want to reacquaint me with you. You with me. Us with we. “
“Mmmm. Sounds good. The ‘we’ part I mean.”
“Yeah, four weeks of no we-ing is enough to make me—“
He is stopped by the muffled sound of static and an urgent voice from the
car radio. Lieutenant Hill picks up his receiver and talks quickly
into it. Then he looks into the backseat sheepishly.
“Oh no.” David slaps the side window.
Hill slides back the partition and speaks to them over his shoulder.
“Uh, folks? Sorry to have to tell you this—“
“No! No way!”
“You said you’d get us home. You promised! We’re almost there.”
“I’m really sorry, Ma’am. We’ve had a Code three 4-1-5 and all cars
need to respond. Halloween night is one of our busiest nights of the
year. I’m going to have to drop you at this corner up yonder and let
you walk the rest of the way.”
Scene 11 – A Street Corner in Suburban Beverly
They stand under a streetlight watching the police car speed away with its
lights flashing and sirens blaring. David turns to Maddie. “Could
be worse. Could be raining.”
Maddie looks up into the night sky and flinches like she expects to be hit
with sheets of rain at any moment.
“Don’t tempt the fates, David.”
David’s voice starts rising ominously. “I’m not tempting ‘em.
I’m daring ‘em. One more monkey wrench in our plans and I’ll—“ He shakes
his fist at the Heavens and begins stomping in the direction of the house.
He’s yelling at the sky…“Turned our sex life into a Disney movie…”
David turns cautiously and sees two men in black suits standing on either
side of Maddie.
“Get away from her.” He steps forward in an aggressive stance.
One of the men holds up a hand to stop him. “Don’t be alarmed, Mr.
Addison. We’re not here to harm either of you.”
“Another gruesome twosome. Don’t tell me. You guys are the repo
men, come to get the car. Well, you’re too late.”
“No sir. We’re with the Justice Department.”
“Try again. We already heard that one tonight.”
“Yes sir. We know. We received a phone call at,” he consults
a notepad, “oh three thirty from a Lieutenant Pillarsky. Do you know
“Unfortunately, he and his buddy have been our double dates for most of the
“He informed us that your life had been threatened tonight by an associate
of a Mr.” he looks at the notepad again. “Anselmo…and that you
are on your way to testify before a federal grand jury. He suggested,
and our superior agreed, that it would be in the best interests of the government
if we offered you protection.”
“Can I see your identification again?”
“Certainly Ma’am.” This time Maddie looks carefully at each badge and
picture ID. Agent Raff is the older and obviously more experienced
of the two. Agent Riff is young and appears somewhat green by the way
he keeps nervously looking up and down the street. “Well, alright,
Agent Riff, Agent Raff. How do you propose to protect Mr. Addison out
here on this wide open street?”
Agent Raff speaks into a walkie-talkie and a black sedan parked across the
street comes to life. It pulls up along side of them.
Agent Riff opens the back door and gestures for them to climb inside.
He announces proudly, “Sir? Ma’am? Your government would like
to put you both up at the Beverly Hills Hotel until you’re safely onboard
David does a double take. “Wait just a minute. The Beverly Hills
Hotel. THE Beverly Hills Hotel? MY government? For FREE?”
“Yes sir. All expenses paid. We’ll have someone stop by your
house and bring your luggage to the hotel. We don’t feel it would be
safe for you or your wife to go home at this time.” The agent smiles
“Well, ok then. It’s about time somebody realized the sacrifice I’m
making for my country.”
“That I have put my life on the line to do my duty…”
“Oh brother.” Maddie rolls her eyes and climbs into the back seat.
David follows then stops short of getting in the car. He looks at Agent
Riff intensely. “Room service is included, right?”
“I love this country…”
Scene 12 – The Hotel
“Hey, Mrs. Addison. Wait up. I need to carry you over the threshold.”
David follows Maddie into a beautifully appointed room with plush white carpet,
white brocade furniture, mahogany and glass tables. In the center of
the room stands a spectacular king sized iron canopy bed draped in white
“David, I need to call Agnes and ask her to check on the dog. Then
we can play house.” She finds the phone, sits on the bed and adds,
“We really need to install a doggy door in the kitchen.”
David plops onto the bed and almost slides off the satin comforter.
He grabs one of the bedposts to pull himself up. “Nice bed.”
He looks around the room. “Pretty nice digs, don’t you think?
Sporting of old George to put us up here.”
“Bush? As in the president?”
“You’re getting a bit carried away.”
“Nah. You know, Maddie, I am never going to bad mouth the feds again.
If you ever hear me saying anything derogatory about any of those people—“
“I bet this place is bugged,” she interrupts.
“No way. Why would they bug their star witness?”
“Their WHAT? David, they’re only putting you up here because they feel
stupid that they subpoenaed you and almost got you killed. AND they’re
only putting us up here for,” she looks at the bedside clock and yawns, “an
hour and a half.”
“Time enough for—“
“Agnes? I’m sorry to wake you…No, I’m at the Beverly Hills Hotel…with
David…it’s a LONG story…the reason I’m calling…”
David slides up next to her as she’s talking and begins to plant a few strategic
kisses…one on her palm…then up her arm to her shoulder…he moves her hair
off her neck—
“Hey, Count. The sun’s coming up. Don’t you need to climb back
into that coffin?” She puts down the receiver and looks at him playfully.
“It’s as dark as a coffin in here with the drapes shut.”
He returns to her neck and whispers into her ear. “Is this place romantic
enough for you?”
She sighs and lies back on the bed, pulling him to her. They share
a long, languid kiss until Maddie breaks away with another yawn.
“Sorry I’m boring you, Miss Hayes.” He props himself up on his elbow and
frowns at her in mock disgust.
“I’m sorry. It’s not you. I’m tired…It’s been a long night.
But I promise you, David…” She watches as he stifles a yawn.
“Guess I’m not the only one. You must be exhausted.”
“I’m ok. What were you just about to promise me, Miss Hayes?”
He starts to unbutton her blouse. She smiles up at him. “I was
about to promise you that no matter what happened tonight,” she
gets suddenly serious, touches the bandage on his head again, “what COULD
have happened…being here with you right now makes up for all of it.”
“I second that emotion. Now I suggest we make the best of the time
we have left.”
They begin to kiss and before too long they are tearing at each other’s clothes.
There is a knock at the door.
David sits up and yells: “*&%$# !” (PLEASE INSERT YOUR
FAVORITE EXPLETIVE HERE.)
He turns to Maddie. “DON’T MOVE!”
He climbs off the bed reluctantly and moves toward the door, tucking in his
shirt. “WHAT THE HELL IS IT NOW?” he yells at the door.
“Room service,” comes the cheerful voice from the other side.
“I didn’t order room service,” he gripes back.
“Compliments of the hotel, sir.”
David looks through the peephole and sees a uniformed waiter with a basket
of fruit. He opens the door a crack, grabs the basket and slams the
door. The stunned waiter stands there for a moment with his hand out.
He shrugs and is about to walk away when David’s arm comes through the door
again. “Here.” He shoves a paper bill at the waiter and shuts
the door before the kid gets out his obligatory “Thank you, sir.”
David looks back at Maddie lying seductively across the bed. She has
quickly changed into her “complimentary” robe. He approaches her slowly,
his irritation dissolving into desire with every step he takes toward her.
“No more interruptions, Goldilocks,” he promises her. As he stands
in front of her looking down, he exclaims, “Man, you even make terrycloth
“Come here,” she whispers hoarsely. He falls back onto the bed and
pulls her onto his chest. He takes her face in his hands, feeling the
softness of her cheeks against his rough skin. He’s overcome with love
and desire for her. “What is it, David?” she asks gently.
“You…just you.” They stare at each other for a long moment then begin
There is a knock at the door.
“What is going on here? What are these people? The sex police?”
Once again, he stomps over to the door and yells at it. “GO…AWAY… I
already got my complimentary fruit basket, I got my shoes shined, my pants
pressed and the toilet is STILL sanitized for my protection. SO GET
THE HELL OUTA HERE!”
“It’s Agent Riff, Mr. Addison. I have your luggage.” David bangs
his head on the door a few times until he hits his bruise. He opens
the door, rubbing his sore head. “Thanks.” He grabs for his bag
but Agent Riff doesn’t let go. “Thanks,” David repeats. “I got
“I’d like to come in for a minute, sir, and brief you about your flight today.”
David throws his hands in the air, exasperated. “Sure, come on in.
The agent looks over at Maddie, now sitting demurely on the bed holding her
robe closed. “I’ll keep it brief, sir. I’m sure you’re
“Downright pooped, son,” David says irritably.
“Well, sir, we’ve got a car waiting at the back exit. The staff here
is pretty used to famous people staying at the hotel so they’ve got this
stuff—er, procedure down to an art. Agent Raff and myself will be escorting
you and Mrs. Addison—
“We’re not married,” Maddie tells him.
“Really? Wow…I mean usually we know stuff like that. I mean,
not that it matters. I guess we just assumed, you know since you live
together, I mean, cohabitate.” He looks longingly at Maddie.
David clears his throat and Agent Riff collects his thoughts. “We already
cleared you through airport security so you don’t have to be there till,
oh six thirty. That gives you another half hour to…uh…sleep.”
He says this last word dreamily.
“So can I?”
The man is practically drooling on Maddie. “Huh…I’m sorry sir?
Can you what?”
“Oh—sure. I mean. Yes sir. I’ll just get out of your way,
sir.” He backs up to the door as he rambles. “Ma’am.” He
nods briefly at her as he fumbles for the doorknob and exits clumsily.
“I think he wants to guard YOUR body, Maddie.”
“I prefer you for that job.”
“Now. Ok. That had to be it. I’d bet a month’s worth of
spook spit that no one else in the world could possibly have anything else
to give us, help us with or tell us.”
“I’ll take that bet.”
“No Maddie,” he says adamantly. “No…more…int—“
“Don’t say it, David. In fact, don’t say anything. Just get over
“Consider it done.” He jumps onto the bed and the mattress and box
springs thud onto the floor loudly. They stare at each other, momentarily
startled into silence, then both burst out laughing. They don’t hear
the creaking noise until it’s too late and the canopy collapses on top of
them. They are struggling to get out from under miles of draped chiffon
and bedposts as the door to their room is kicked in. Agents Riff and
Raff burst through, guns drawn.
“We heard a noise,” Agent Raff announces as he looks around the room.
Maddie manages to sit up, covered in a shroud of white fabric. “See?
I told you this room was bugged.”
Both agents shuffle their feet. “Now Ma’am…calm down please.”
“A little help here guys?” David calls out from under the broken bed.
The men finally come to their aid and manage to uncover them after some maneuvering.
Agent Riff holds out his hand to Maddie to help her off the bed. She
slaps it away and tries to muster up some dignity, not an easy task with
her arms and legs flailing about as she attempts to stand up. After
a few minutes of pulling and tugging and rescue moves, they are disheveled
but free of the monster bed. They stand before the agents, Maddie’s
arms crossed and her foot tapping angrily.
“I demand an explanation for this.”
“Please, Mrs. Addison—“
“I am NOT Mrs. Addison!” Agent Raff looks at Agent Riff who shrugs
and says, “Told ya.”
“Ma’am, it was for your own protection. We couldn’t take the risk that
this Anselmo character would try something else to get to Mr. Addison.
We needed to monitor—“
“This is outrageous! This is McCarthyism! This is a violation
of our civil rights! This is—“
“Maintenance!” There’s a knock on the broken door. Maddie, David,
and the agents Riff and Raff turn to see an older man in a white t-shirt
and worn jeans, with a loaded tool belt around his waist.
“May I see some identification sir?” Agent Riff asks in the most grown-up
efficient voice he can summon.
“You’re kidding, right?” The maintenance man looks at the agents and
realizes quickly that they have no sense of humor. He shrugs his shoulders
and hands over his employee ID.
“Got a call from a guest that there might be a problem in here. Guess
he was right.” The man’s gaze goes from the broken bed to the four
people standing in the room. “I ain’t even gonna ask,” he mumbles as
he turns around to inspect the door jamb. He turns around and bends
down, revealing an inch of butt-crack. Maddie huffs loudly and pulls
David aside. “This is the second time in twenty four hours I’ve seen
a man’s backside, and neither time was it enjoyable. This is not working,
David. I think it’s time to call it a night…morning…whatever.”
“Maybe this floor has a linen closet we could borrow—“
David…give it up. This just wasn’t meant to be. We’ll have to
wait until you get back from Washington.”
He keeps up a token protest for a minute, but the sound of the maintenance
man’s hammer and the two agents talking into walkie-talkies brings him back
to reality. Maddie looks at him sadly, picks up her clothes off the
floor and goes into the bathroom to dress. David just watches her go;
he knows he’s lost this battle.
Scene 13 - 6:00 AM The Front Entrance of the Hotel
Agent Riff follows David and Maddie out the front doors, gesturing wildly.
“But sir! The car is at the BACK entrance. You need to follow
“Look! You people are ruining my life! You can’t tell me what
to do and if you won’t let Maddie come to the airport in YOUR car, I’m taking
“It’s just a technicality, Mr. Addison. When Agent Raff found out she
wasn’t your wife, we weren’t legally responsible for protecting her.”
David gets an inch away from the young man’s face. “She’s my PARTNER
in my BUSINESS and she knows just as much about this guy I’m testifying against
as I do. I just drew the short straw. So if she doesn’t need
your protection—for what it’s worth—I don’t need it either.”
Agent Riff starts talking into his walkie-talkie and pacing back and forth.
David is gesturing for a cab and as one pulls up, a black stretch limo pulls
up behind it and Agent Raff waves them over.
“Mr. Addison, Miss Hayes. Never let it be said that the U.S. government
isn’t flexible.” David rolls his eyes. “I apologize for the misunderstanding
and hope you’ll both enjoy your ride to the airport.”
David looks at each agent. “Are you guys coming along for the ride?”
“That won’t be necessary sir. Your driver is a trained agent.”
“Good. Then we’ll enjoy it.”
Maddie and David climb into the limo, which is beautifully appointed and
stocked with croissants, fruit and coffee. A bud vase holds a single
red rose, which David presents to Maddie. “I hope this withers and
dies before I do.” He can barely manage a grin at this point.
“Two weeks,” Maddie sighs.
“Two more weeks of very cold showers and late night TV.”
“We’ll manage. You’d better call me every night.”
“Hmmm. Phone sex…Has certain possibilities.” He’s moving in for
a kiss when the door is yanked open by someone who is immediately wrestled
to the ground.
“Mr. Addison! Mr. Addison! Agnes told me you were here.
I need to explain.”
“Bert?” Maddie and David say in unison.
“Let him up guys. He’s not dangerous. Just woolly.”
Bert brushes himself off and climbs into the limo. “Make is quick,
Bert. Gotta fly.”
“Sir, I just needed to explain about the cocaine—I mean the stuff that LOOKED
like cocaine that you found.”
“How’d you know about that? You were already gone.”
“Agnes got a desperate phone call from your brother last night. Apparently,
sir, he was locked in the office and couldn’t get out.”
Maddie shakes her head.
“Anyway, he told Agnes about the white powder in the baggie and that you
might be in serious legal trouble over it. So…”
“So…I’m the one that put it in the copier sir.”
“But why?” Maddie asks, dumbfounded.
“Well, the kids that came by the office yesterday for the party kept coming
up and crushing Smarties on my desk.” He shrugs. “Kids today.
No wonder this world is going to Hell in a hand basket. Why, when I
was a lad, Smarties were among the most sought after of treats—“
“Bert! Is there a point in here somewhere or do we have to listen to
your Halloween candy top ten list?”
“Sorry, sir. Anyway, they kept crushing them on my desk.” He
sneers, “I discovered that MacGillicuddy, that rodent, was paying them
each a quarter to do it.” They stare at him blankly. “So I swept
all of the mess into a baggie, hid it and was going to dump it all on his
desk this morning. Let him know how it feels to be all sticky…
I’m sorry sir.” He looks down into his lap.
David shakes his head in amazement then says, “No harm done,
Mr. Viola. Believe me, that bag was the least of our problems last
“Really sir? You’re not just saying that to make me feel better?”
“Making you feel better was the furthest thing from my mind, Bert.”
Bert gives them a relieved smile then sits forward with interest. “So
what other problems did you encounter on All Hallow’s Eve, sir?”
“That’s a story for another day, Mr. Viola. You need to get to work
and I need to get to LAX.”
“We could talk on the way to the airport, sir. I’d really be interested
David presses a button and rolls down the window of the limo. “Oh,
Agent Riff?” Agent Riff immediately pulls Bert out of the passenger
side door, under slight protest. The limo then pulls away from the
Inside, alone at last, the partition that separates the passengers from the
driver is tightly closed. Maddie leans her head on David’s shoulder
and twirls her rose in her fingers. David murmurs in her ear, “Check
this out. Total privacy, lots of room...” He turns on the radio to
a soft R&B station. “Romantic music…”
“David…You know we don’t have much time…”
“We don’t need much time…just each other.”
She lifts her head and looks at him pointedly. “Yeah, ok, two weeks.
But I’m telling you, if those women don’t write us a great love scene pretty
“Be patient, David. This can’t go on forever.”
“Oh yeah? Tell that to the people who stuck with us through Seasons
Four and Five.”
“Be that as it may, we’ll just have to wait. And the waiting will just
make it more enjoyable when we can finally be together.”
“I’m still voting for phone sex.”
I’m really going to miss you, David.”
“Why don’t you come with me then? Isn’t Washington supposed to be beautiful
in the fall?”
“Actually, that’s the spring. When the cherry blossoms are in bloom.”
“Great. Just my luck.”
“You know I can’t, David. Agnes and Bert have had this vacation planned
for months. Somebody’s got to look after the office.”
He looks out the window, stone-faced.
They sit quietly for the rest of the drive, holding hands. The limo
pulls into the passenger loading zone and stops. The driver removes
David’s luggage from the trunk and opens the door for him to get out.
He slides out the door, looks in at Maddie and smiles. “Well, Miss
Hayes, I guess this is goodbye. And although last night was about as
fun as a barbed wire enema—“
She grabs him by the tie around his neck, pulls him onto her lap and gives
him a wildly passionate kiss. People walking by stare at his feet dangling
out the door. The driver/agent stands stoically off to the side.
After a minute, she lets him up for air. “Can that hold you for two
“Not even close. I guess I should be happy that I’m so lucky.”
She looks at him, stupified.
He tells her, “How lucky I am to have something that makes saying good-bye
so hard.” They smile sadly, and kiss one last time.
The agent clears his throat. “You’re going to be late sir.”
“Two weeks, Maddie. I’ll miss you too. I…” his voice trails off.
“Me too,” she grins. He closes the door and walks away.