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Season Eight - Episode 7

Just Can’t Find A Good Client These Days

9:30 AM – Monday Morning – Blue Moon

Maddie is sitting at her desk flipping through piles of paper work: bills, invoices, receipts, payroll, taxes.  She looks frustrated.  David breezes in.

David: What is on the agenda today, boss lady?

Maddie:  Bills, billing, payroll, taxes … I HATE the first episode of the month.

David:  (taking his seat on the edge of the desk) That’s it?  Dry boring paperwork that you should have delegated to Agnes seasons ago?  That’s all we are doing today? 

Maddie:  WE may not be doing anything … YOU had a job to do this morning. 

David:  The houseguest from hell?

Maddie:  You know I love him like your brother … but David … two Addisons under one roof is too much to ask of anyone.

David:  My mother used to say that before she went screaming from the house.

Maddie:  He needs to go home and work things out with Amy.

David: Weeeeellllll ---

Maddie:  David – tell me you did it.

David:  OK.  It’s done.

Maddie:  Done?

David:  Done.

Maddie:  How did he take it?

David:  You know Richie, no need to sugar coat things for him – heck you can’t sugar coat things for him, need to hit him with a sledge hammer.

Maddie:  You didn’t.

David:  After I caught him trying to convince Gama –

Maddie: My gardener?

David:  -- nearly your EX gardener.

Maddie:  I have been waiting for him to take me on for six years.

David:  (to the reader) Fill in your own line here … too many to chose from.  (back to Maddie)  Well Mr. Marketing was convincing Gama that with a little advertising and the right representation ---.

Maddie:  Oh no -

David:  I nipped it … in the bud … if you’ll pardon the pun.

Maddie:  Your brother sees an opportunity everywhere.  There’s a part of me that admires that. 

David:  Which part?  I’ll cut it out.

Maddie:  So he’s out of my … our … the house.

David:  Yep … I gave him his walking papers.  … Rolled up the red carpet … Told him to get out of Dodge.  … Don’t let the door hit him on the way out. …. Two’s company, three’s a crowd. … Round up his sheep and get the flock out of there. …  Familiarity breeds contempt and absence makes the heart grow fonder.

Maddie:  David.

David:  Told him if he wanted to keep the ol’ ball and chain happy to get a job … start pounding the pavement. … Get working on the railroad. … There’s gold in them thar hills …

Maddie:  David.

David:  Build a better mousetrap … Money doesn’t grow on trees. … Money talks and bull --  … If wishes were horses beggars would ride, but he can’t please his honey without any money. … SHOW HER THE MONEY.

Maddie:  David, I don’t think --.

David:  He got the message.  …  These Addison birds don’t flock together. … His chicken needed to go home to roost.  …There is no place like home.  … He needs to bring home the bacon. … Home is where the heart is. … Make like a tree and leave.

Maddie:  DAVID!

David:  You can’t make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear.

Maddie:  What?

David:  What?  Oh, sorry, got carried away.

Maddie:  Note to self – take CLICHE-A-DAY calendar out of the bathroom.   So you gently suggested that he go home and patch things up with Amy?

David:  All packed when I got there.

Maddie:  They talked?

David:  Sort of …

Maddie:  Sort of YES or sort of NO?

David:  Amy is going to New York for a month or two or three for a case.  Richie gets the house until then.

Maddie:  So they didn’t talk.

David:  Maddie you know what?  This ain’t none of our business.

Maddie:  He’s your brother.

David:  You can’t prove that.  DNA can’t prove that.

Maddie:  David.

David:  Maddie … he’s out of our hair.  Who knows … 3000 miles, three months and a phone line might be just what they need … let them sort it out.

Maddie gives him a long silent look.  He is right … for once.  Amy and Richie need to take care of Amy and Richie.  She smiles and nods.

David:  So my chores are done.  What’s next?

Maddie:  Interviews. Lots of interviews.

David:  Who wants a piece of us now?

Maddie:  Not giving, taking.

David:  Taking, not giving is my thing.

Maddie:  You were giving it away pretty good –

Maddie stops herself.  She just smiles at him quickly and looks back down at the invoice in her hand.

David:  Oh ho, Miss Hayes.  Having trouble keeping the “inappropriate comments” out of the office?  Keeping our private life, private?

Maddie:  No one heard me.

David: So now I am “no one”. Last night I was God’s gift to you.

David leans down and starts to nibble on her neck and ear.  Maddie is enjoying it but giving no (or very little) reaction.

Maddie:  I never said you were “God’s gift.”

David:  You were calling his name quite a bit … thought it was to thank him.

Maddie:  Can we stop this now?

Maddie pulls away.

David:  If we can start it again later.

Maddie:  (scolding) Addison.

David:  No, no … wait.  You have been a little LOOSE with the personal repartee too.  What say we make it a bet?

Maddie:  A bet?

David:  A bet. 

Maddie:  What is this, shades of MY FAIR DAVID?

David:  I think I’ve had a bigger influence on you than you think.

Maddie:  Oh really?

David:  Really. 

Maddie:  You’re on.

David:  Tit-for-tat and tat-for-tit … so to speak.

Maddie:  Fine … one rule.

David:  NO rules … there are no RULES in this.

Maddie:  One … if anyone … staff, client or stranger on the street hears you … game over and you lose.

David:  Fine … then they have to be PERSONAL … about US … not people in general.

Maddie:  Fine … if anyone hears you make a comment about us then YOU LOSE immediately.

David:  What makes you think it will be ME that can’t keep “us” behind closed doors?

Maddie:  Eight seasons.

David:  We’ll see.  (checks his watch) Starting NOW.

Maddie:  Starting now.

David zips his lips and smiles.

Maddie:  Can we TRY to get some work done now?   Agnes has us booked back-to-back-to-back for the whole day.

David:  Back to Back?  We tried that didn’t we? … no fun at all.

Maddie grins and makes a “tick” mark in the air.

David:  And they’re off.

Maddie:  Oh yeah … this is gonna be like taking candy from a baby. 

No response.

Maddie:  Shooting fish in a barrel.

No response.

Maddie:  As easy as Boston Cream Pie.

No response, but David bites his lip.

Maddie:  Like a hot knife through butter.

No response from David but he looks away and mumbles something.

Maddie:  Excuse me, Mr. Addison, did you want to say something?

David:  No … (his voice cracks).

Maddie:  Right.

David:  So we’re booked for the whole day, huh?  It’s 10:30 … when does this deluge of clients commence?

Maddie:  You already missed the first one.

David:  That babe that was leaving your office a minute ago.  Not that I noticed.

Maddie:  That BABE was Laura Holt.

David:  Nora Bolt?

Maddie:  Holt, Laura Holt.  She is Remington Steele’s “babe.”

David:  Steele?  He ain’t got nothing on me.

Maddie:  But hair.

David:  Are they stumped?  Need our expert advice?

Maddie:  Actually she wanted to hire us – personally.

David:  ‘Scuse me?

Maddie:  Yeah, she wanted us to dig up dirt on her boss.

David:  Steele?

Maddie:  Said Steele is not his real name.  She created this BOSS out of thin air and named for a typewriter and a football team.  She needed to in order to get respect in this town as a detective.

David:  Respect?

Maddie:  People don’t trust a female detective.  Think that we can’t do the work.

David:  Weellll …I can see the “people’s” point.  Girls are better between the sheets than between the ears.

Maddie:  Nice try.  You are sexist in a lot of ways Addison, but that ain’t one of them.

David:  The sexiest sexist you ever had the pleasure of sexing.

Maddie made another “tick” mark in the air.

David:  If I am going to lose this game –

Maddie:  Do you think you have a chance in hell of winning?

David:  What am I going to lose?

Maddie:  Back rub.

David:  What?  No.  Come on. 

Maddie:  10 minutes for each point you LOSE by.

David:  What if I win?

Maddie:  What if pigs flew? … What do you want?

David:  You know what I want.

Maddie:  No … we are not playing for that.

David:  Why not … afraid you are going to lose?

Maddie:  Not a chance buddy.  You’re on.

David: (in a hushed voice) OK sports fans we have a game.  Addison, the underdog, is down by two in the first couple of pages. Place your bets.

Maddie:  Are we going to get any work done? 

David: Spoilsport.  What else did Miss I-need-a-man-to-front-me Holt say?

Maddie:  Said that this man … the one we know as Steele … is some international jewel thief/con artist who won’t give her his real name and assumed the role of Steele by blackmailing her.

David:  Blackmail?  Why didn’t I think of that?

Maddie:  He threatened to expose her.  So now she needs information on this guy to get him out.

David:  And I thought we had troubles.  When do we start?

Maddie:  Don’t be ridiculous David.  I turned her down.

David:  Turned her down? 

Maddie:  We’d be the laughing stock of … the world.

David:  Only the NON-television viewing audience.

Agnes buzzes. 

Agnes (over the intercom):  Your 10:30 is here.

10:30 AM – Javert

An older man walks into Maddie’s office.  He is weather and care worn and is dressed in a tattered and torn uniform of the French police.  His hat is tucked under his arm and he stands at attention before the desk even after Maddie has offered him a chair.

Javert:  I am Javert.  I am … how you say in America … gendarme ... police … from France.  I come to you to find Valjean, Jean Valjean. 

David:  Has a nice ring to it.

Javert:  He is criminal of the foulest kind –- dangerous, clever, with the strength of ten men. 

David:  An international criminal? 

Maddie:  Isn’t this a job for the state department or at least the FBI?

Javert:  I have been refused.  The crimes of Valjean were not in your country.  I have traced him out of Paris to this city of Angeles.  He is an older man and travels with a young woman he calls his daughter.

Maddie:  May I ask what he had done?

Javert:  He is thief. 

Maddie:  A thief?

David:  What did he steal: State secrets, the Mona Lisa, the Eiffel Tower?

Javert:  A loaf of bread.

Maddie:  A loaf of bread?

Javert:  He robbed a house.

Maddie:  Robbed a house for a loaf of bread?

David:  How long do they send you up for a loaf of bread in France?

Javert: Nineteen years …

David:  What? (Whispers to Maddie) Must be the guillotine for a croissant. 

Javert: Five for what he did … the rest because he tried to run.

Maddie:  He served his time, why are you looking for him now?

Javert:  He was not set free.  He received a yellow ticket-of-leave.  He was … how you say … paroled.  He broke his parole.  I knew he would … a man like him can never change.  Les miserables.

David: Bet all the bakers in France had to hire extra security.

Maddie:  How long ago was it that he was paroled?

Javert:  Twenty years.


Maddie:  You have been searching for a man for twenty years who spent twenty years in jail for stealing a loaf of bread?

David:  A man dedicated to justice.

Javert:  I came close to catching him ten years ago.  We had arrested another man and were bringing him to trial as Valjean, when a man known as the Mayor claimed that he was Valjean.

Maddie:  The Mayor?

Javert:  Yes, the Mayor and owner of a factory.  Prominent respected citizen of a small town outside Paris.  He was hiding, hiding in plain sight but I did not see.

Maddie:  This mayor and prominent citizen turned out to be Valjean – the criminal?

Javert: Yes.  I always knew there was something about Le Mayor that was wrong.

Maddie:  Sounds like he reformed, repented, made a change in his life, turned his life to good work. 

Javert:   That man will never change.  (Javert walks to the window)  There, out in the darkness.

Maddie and David shield their eyes from the sun as they watch him.

Javert:  …a fugitive running … fallen from grace … God is my witness I never shall yield ‘til we come face to face.  He knows his way in the dark … mine is the way of the Lord.  And those who follow the path of the righteous shall have their reward and if they fall as Lucifer fell … the flame … the sword!

David:  That seems a bit severe for a load of bread.

Maddie:  Will you excuse us, Mr. Javert?

CUT TO David and Maddie outside the door.  They are speaking in hushed tones; the office staff is watching them intently.

Maddie:  The man is a crackpot.

David: The man is armed Maddie.

Maddie:  We are not taking this case.

David:  All right … but who knows when the next case it going to walk through the door?

Agnes:  Miss Hayes, Mr. Addison.  Your next client is waiting in Mr. Addison’s office.

David:  (at the reader) Had to see that coming.

Maddie:  Thank you Miss DiPesto.

Agnes:  He’s a big one.

David:  A BIG ONE?

Agnes:  Doesn’t talk much.

Maddie:  A big one that doesn’t talk much?  (Scanning David up and down with a sly grin) That’ll be a switch.

A grin crosses David’s face.  He touches his finger to his tongue and makes a tick mark in the air.

Maddie:  I would argue that … but you are SO going to lose that you can have it.

David:  Magnanimous of you.

Maddie nods toward her door implying David handle that while she starts with the next. 

David leads Javert to the door.

David:  Try the Remington Steele Agency across the way – they are better at tracking international criminals.  I hear they even have one on staff.  Steele is as good as Bond, James Bond.

Javert leaves and David looks back to see Maddie standing outside his door.

11:00 AM – No Name Given

David:  Miss me?

Maddie:  He is a BIG GUY … doesn’t talk much.

David:  Mean echo in here.

Maddie:  You go first.

David:  You say it like you mean it … but you never do.

Maddie:  Three to one.

Maddie gets behind David who opens the door.  A leather-clad man is rigidly standing in the middle of the room.  He is grim and menacing and built like Mr. Universe.  Dark glasses cover up what appear to be cuts and bruises.  He is clearly armed.

David:  Whoa.  I suppose those aren’t muscles bulging through that cowhide. 

Maddie:  Well not all of them anyway.

David walks in first with Maddie close behind.

David:  David Addison.

David extends his hand but the man does not move.

Maddie:  Maddie Hayes.  How can we help you?

Maddie motions for the man to sit down but he does not move.  Maddie and David take their positions on the edge of the desk.

David:  Can we help you Mister … ?

Man:  Connor.

David:  Mr. Connor –

Man: Sarah Connor.

David:  I wouldn’t have pegged you for a “Sarah,” maybe a “Sue” or “Jody” but not a “Sarah.” 

The man reaches into his coat pocket and Maddie shrieks and jumps behind David.  A panicked look crosses David’s face.  The man pulls out a page from the phone book and hands it to David.

Man:  Sarah Connor.

On the phone book page, there are three listings for a “Sarah Connor.”  The first two are crossed off.

David:  You are looking for this Sarah Connor?  Did you call her?

Man:  (in an operator’s voice) The number you are calling is no longer in service, please check the number and try your call again.

David and Maddie look at each other both thinking it wiser not to comment on the man’s ventriloquist act.

Man:  Sarah Connor.  Must find Sarah Connor.

David:  Will you excuse us?

David and Maddie go out into the main office.  The staff watches their every move.  Maddie nods to the hallway and they go out.  A man leaps out from behind the plant and grabs Maddie.

Man:  What did you tell him?  Did you say anything about Sarah Connor?  Did you tell him where she is?

Maddie:  Let me go.

Maddie struggles free.  She glares at David implying that he should have helped her.

David:  What?  My money is on you.

Maddie turns back to the man.

Maddie:  Who are you?

Reese:  I am Reese, Sergeant Tech COM DN38416, assigned to protect Sarah Connor.  She has been targeted for termination.  It is very important that she live.

David:  And who is that wall of muscle we have standing in our office.

Reese:  He is a Terminator.

Maddie:  That man –

Reese:  He is not a man.  He’s a machine.

David:  Told you those weren’t muscles.

Reese:  T-800 - Cyberdyne systems Model 101.  He is a Cyborg … a cybernetic organism.  Living tissue over metal.

Maddie:  A cyborg?  Have we been moved to the SciFi channel?

David:  Sorry Reese, we don’t do science fiction.

Reese:  Well in about 40 years it will be science fact.

David:  So the guy in our office is a Cyborg from the future?  Who are you?  Captain Kirk?

Reese:  I was sent back to protect her.  (Grabs David and rants fanatically)  Look that Cyborg will not stop … it can’t be bargained with, it doesn’t feel pity or remorse … and it absolutely will not stop until she is dead.

David peels the guy’s hands off his lapels.

Maddie:  So why her?

Reese shakes his head and slides down the wall and puts his face in his hands.

Reese:  This is going to sound crazy to you.

David:  (smirking) Up ‘til now it was all making perfect sense.

Reese:  A few years from now there will be a war … a great war … a nuclear war.  Started and finished by the machines.

Maddie:  Machines?

Reese:  Defense Computers … they get smart … artificial intelligence. 

David:  I know a few people like that.

Reese: Not everyone was killed.  So they … the machines … decide that we … that man … all people are the threat … not just the people on the other side.  They begin orderly extermination.  There is a man … John Connor who organizes the survivors.  He taught us how to fight …

Maddie:  US?  So you are … what … from the future too?

Reese is frustrated and walks a little bit away from them.

David:  Come on Maddie … try to keep up.

Maddie:  (whispers to David) Isn’t that what I usually say to you? 

David:  Three : Two.  Got ourselves  a game here.

Maddie steps towards Reese.

Maddie:  Go on Mr. Reese.

Reese:  Sarah Connor is John Connor’s mother … well she will be … in about 10 months.

David:  Must be the Planned Parenthood of the future.

Just then the large man – THE TERMINATOR – emerges through the door with a gun drawn.  Maddie pushes David to the floor.  Reese dives down the stairwell just in time to avoid being hit by the spray of bullets.  The large man follows him down the stairs.

Maddie looks back down at David who is smiling up at her.

David:  I love it when you play the hero.

Maddie:  You make a GREAT damsel in distress.

Maddie gets up and shakes her head and smoothes herself.

Maddie:  What are we going to tell the cops about the bullet holes?

David:  No cops.

Maddie:  No cops?

David:  Not in this episode … no time.

Agnes pokes her head tentatively out of the office door.

Agnes:  All clear? … Your next appointment just called … he will be 5 minutes late.

Maddie:  Agnes, we need to have a conversation about prescreening.

11:35 AM – Rochester

Maddie emerges from the bathroom after fixing her hair and make up.  David is sitting at her desk with his feet up leafing though the statements for last month.

David:  I don’t know why you bother with that stuff.

Maddie:  Don’t you want me to be gorgeous?

David:  Baby, make-up can’t improve on what God gave you.

Maddie:  (smiling sweetly and nudging him out of her chair) That’s a nice thing to say.

David:  Besides it is just one more thing to come off before I can get to the good stuff.

He leans down to kiss her and she brushes him aside.

Maddie:  Four : Two.

A quick knock and Agnes enters.

Agnes:  Your 11:30 is here.

A very well dressed man walks in: tall, angry, ugly.

David offers him a chair, which is reluctantly taken.

David:  I am David Addison and this is Maddie Hayes.  How can we help you?

The man sits in the chair for a long moment studying the floor.  The silence becomes very uncomfortable. Just as Maddie opens her mouth to speak, the man bursts into gut wrenching uncontrollable sobs and hides his face in his hands.  Maddie and David exchange a knowing look and sit back and wait for the man to compose himself.

Rochester: I am terribly sorry.

He speaks with a very precise English accent.

Maddie:  How may we help you?

Rochester:  I am Edward Fairfax Rochester, the second son of the Earl of Rochester.  My father and older brother are now both deceased.

Maddie:  I am sorry.

Rochester:  I now have the ownership of Thornfield Hall and all the lands that go with it.  I am a very rich man.  (He looks back down at the floor.)  But perhaps not rich enough.

David:  Our fees are negotiable.

Rochester:  I am here to secure your services to find a woman who should be my wife.

David:  The ghost of Tupperman.

Maddie:  Who is this woman?

Rochester:  She is like a wild frantic bird and yet tame and sweet … an altogether unearthly thing.  She is my second self, as like to me as my own flesh … in spirit.  (He looks out the window.)  She came to me. 

Maddie:  Excuse me?

Rochester:  She came to live in my house.  She was alone in the world … friendless and comfortless; important to no one.  She is poor, obscure, plain and little. 

David:  I guess money doesn’t buy you the Playmate of the Month in England.

Rochester:  She was to be my bride … Edward Fairfax Rochester’s girl bride.

Maddie:  Does this girl bride have a name?

Rochester:  Jane … Jane Eyre. (He pauses for a moment to let the sound of her name hang in the air).  Jane Eyre.  It would have been … should have been Jane Rochester.

Maddie:  Why wasn’t it?

Rochester:  On the day of our wedding … my plan was foiled.

David:  Foiled plans are the worst.

Rochester:  I won the love of my Jane – for she did and does love me, but she loves her God too. 

Maddie:  She became a nun?

David:  That’s gotta hurt.

Rochester:  I know nothing of this God except that he has robbed me of my best reward … a simple reward … small … all I could have asked for … all I could have wanted.

Maddie:  Reward?

Rochester:  Yes … a reward for years of diligence and care.  I have met and exceeded the responsibilities foisted on me … undeserved in this cold cruel unforgiving life.  What more can God ask of me?

He stood up quickly and moved to the window.  It was many moments before he spoke again.

Rochester:  As I said I was the second son.  My father would not split the estate between his sons, so it was determined that I should marry and marry well.  My father arranged a marriage to the daughter of man he had limited dealings with in the West Indies – Mason, Bertha Mason.  She was a landed woman and would come into a great estate on those small islands upon her mother’s death. 

David:  Landed women … that’s what I’m talking about.

Rochester:  She is also mad. 

Maddie:  About the marriage?

Rochester:  No … well maybe … but she is mad, crazy … insane.  She came of a mad family – idiots and maniacs through three generations. 

Maddie:  I hear you … IN LAWS are the worst.

Rochester:  I found out after the wedding when there was nothing to be done, my father knew of course, but cared not.  Short years later, my father died and was quickly followed by my brother.   I was left alone in the world with the responsibility of Thornfield and an insane wife.   To England I returned, with my wife.  No one in England knew of the marriage, my father’s ego did not permit it.  In secret, I hired a woman to watch after her and gave them rooms in the attic.

David:  The attic? 

Rochester:  You must help me find my Jane … my little Jane Eyre.

Maddie:  So you wife is still alive?  She is still living in the attic?

Rochester:  I would not place her in an asylum, that would be cruel. 

David:  Cause the attic is so much more therapeutic.

Maddie:  Does she have a doctor?  Psychiatrist? Psychologist?  Some kind of therapy?  Drug treatment?

Rochester:  A doctor is called when there is need.

David:  So you tried to marry this unearthly Jane, she found out about your crazy wife in the attic and headed for the hills.  Did she clean out your checking account too?

Rochester:  She would take nothing from me.  That is my greatest fear … that she is alone, friendless and penniless in the world.  How will she live?  How will she manage?  Who will comfort her?

David:  So what did this Jane Eyre do before she was to marry you?  Did she work?

Rochester:  She was governess to my ward Adelia.

David:  You have a ward?  Is that what Robin is to Batman?

Maddie:  Dick Greyson to Bruce Wayne.

She stands up. David looks over at her shocked to know that she has that kind of trivia on the tip of her tongue.  The fire in her eyes lets David know that the interview is over. 

Maddie:  Mr. Rochester, we will not take you case.

David:  (whispers to Maddie) Don’t we need to discuss this outside?  More ops for a little repartee, innuendo, points. I got a few stored up.

Ignoring David, Maddie leads Rochester to the door.  Rochester is a little confused.

Rochester:  If it is a matter of money …

Maddie:  No, it’s not about money.  Clearly you have enough of it.  Get your wife some help and when she is sane; divorce her.

Rochester:  The church will not allow a divorce.

David:  But it allows for adultery and bigamy?

Maddie:  I am sure that Miss Eyre will do quite well without you.

Rochester:  You do not know of what you speak. (Long pause as Rochester sizes her up) You are not the only detectives in the book Miss Hayes.

Maddie:  No sir, we are not.  Please feel free to contact any or all of them. 

Maddie slams the door and throws herself down on the couch.  David watches and waits.

Maddie:  Men … I hate them.

David:  All of them or just the ones trying to rid themselves of a bad marriage.

Maddie:  Don’t start with me Addison.  He is wrong.  Dead wrong.

David:  Agreed, you should always finish with one before you move onto another.

Maddie looks up at him about ready to blast him.

David:  Then there are some who you should start all over at the beginning with once you get to the end.

Maddie:  Addison …

David:  Like last night …

He leans down and kisses her gently on the cheek.

Maddie:  I know you Addison … you act the cad … but you aren’t.

David:  Are you sure? 

Maddie:  I got your number.  All you need to keep you entertained is a moving target.

David:  I love it when you talk dirty to me.

Maddie laughs and pulls him down on top of her.

Maddie:  I have lost count who is winning and who is losing this game.

David:  In this game … winners are winners and losers are winners … the only way to play.

She kisses him hard on the lips. 

The intercom buzzes and Maddie tosses David off the couch and gets up to answer it.

Maddie: Yes.

Agnes:  Your twelve o’clock is here.

David:  Don’t we even get a lunch break?

Agnes:  12:30 is lunch.

Maddie:  Thank you.

David:  For the record … seven : six.

Maddie:  How do you figure that?

David:  Go back and count … that kiss is worth 2 points.

Maddie:  I am still going to win.

12:00 PM – Rosencrantz/Gildenstern

Two older women lope into the office as if they are one unit.  They sit down next to each other on the couch and in unison, put their purses protectively in their laps.  David and Maddie wait.

Maddie:  I am Maddie Hayes and this is David Addison, how may we help you?

The woman on the left whispers something in the other woman’s ear.  The whisper is returned and a final response is made before they return their attention to David and Maddie.

Sophie:  I am Mrs. Sophie Rosencrantz and this is Mrs. Ida Gildenstern. 

Ida:  Our sons, Rosencrantz and Gildenstern, were murdered and we want you to prove that the King’s crazy nephew did it.

Maddie:  Your sons were killed?

Sophie: Murdered.

Ida: Executed.

Sophie:  Beheaded.

Sophie: Like chickens.

Ida:  Chickens for dinner.

Sophie:  Ida made this chicken fricassee last night … to die for.

Ida:  No, no, no dahling … your soup … your soup with matzoh … that … THAT is to die for.  To die for.   Really you must give me your recipe.

Sophie:  Considerate it yours dahling.  What’s mine is yours. I want you should have it.

Maddie: Excuse me, your sons were killed?

David: Don’t go back there Maddie.  What makes you think the king’s son---

Ida:  Nephew. 

Sophie:  The prince. 

David:  The king’s nephew is the prince?

Ida:  The prince’s uncle married his brother’s wife after the king was killed.

David:  The king was killed too?

Sophie:  The king is the prince’s uncle.

Maddie:  The king’s brother?

David:  I thought the king was dead.

Ida:  The king is the king’s brother who married the prince’s mother after the king was murdered.  The prince got jealous and accused his uncle, the king, of killing the king to have the queen and crown. 

Maddie and David:  Huh?

Ida:  The king sent our sons with the prince to have him – the nephew killed, so the prince switched the orders and our sons were killed.

Sophie: Murdered.

Ida: Executed.

Sophie:  Beheaded


Ida:  Our sons.

Maddie:  No one else?

Sophie:  Oh I am sure there are other people who are murdered.

Ida:  Everyday in the news …

Sophie:  So sad ... the news … I close my ears when it is on.

Ida:  The papers … so full of sad stories … senseless slayings …

Sophie: Senseless …deaths for no reason … like our boys.

Ida:  Our boys were good … kind …

Sophie:  A friend to the king …

David:  The king who murdered your sons?

Ida:  The prince murdered our boys.

Maddie:  OK, Ok, wait … What is his name?  Not his relationship to anyone living or dead.  WHAT IS HIS NAME?

Sophie:  Whose name?

Maddie:  The king’s nephew, the dead king’s son, the prince – THE killer.

Ida and Sophie:  Hamlet.

Maddie:  David may I see you outside for a moment?

In front of Maddie’s door they square off and speak in hushed tones.  The staff is watching.

David:  Just when this was getting good.

Maddie:  Don’t pretend like you have any idea what these women are talking about.

David:  What difference does it make?  It is the most fun I’ve had all day.

Maddie:  (calling over to Agnes) Agnes when is our next appointment?

Agnes:  45 minutes.

Maddie:  You have 40 minutes to get them out of here … I need some aspirin.

Maddie starts to walk toward his office, but he pulls her back and whispers in her ear.

David:  If I get them out of here in 5 … what do I get?

Maddie:  What do you get?

David:  (whispering and brushing his lips against her ear) What about a little … treat?

Maddie:  (snidely) What are you going to do with the other 35 1/2 minutes?

David:  Why Miss Hayes, I was referring to lunch.  That’s seven up … roomie.  This is too easy.

He laughs and curls back into her office.  Maddie shakes her head and puts out her hand to Agnes for the needed aspirin on her way to David’s office.

Agnes:  I have got lunch on its way.

Maddie:  There better be alcohol in that brown bag Agnes.

The door slams behind Maddie.

Jamie (looking at Kris):  Did you hear any of that?

Kris:  Nothing … they are getting good at this “hushed tone” thing.

O’Neill:  I think I heard something about a lunch.

Magillicuddy:  Lunch?  LUNCH … let’s go.

The staff exists for lunch.

 1:00 PM – Marsha Clark

Maddie and David are facing off outside his office.  The clock over their shoulders reads 1:25 PM.

Maddie:  We have been through this before David.  I will not have anything to do with a man who kills his wife.

David:  Allegedly killed.

Maddie:  He is a MURDERER!

David:  Maybe.

Maddie:  Murderer?  Murderer maybe… (she stops realizing the she has said these lines before) … Stop it David.  NO … the answer is NO.

David:  It’s so refreshing to see how far we haven’t come.

Maddie:  No.

David:  This is the case of the century.  This one will put us on the map.  We will have to turn clients away in droves.  We could have the pick of the litter.  No more of this ridiculous interviewing.  This could open whole new doors for us. 

Maddie:  Some doors should be left shut.

David:  Think about it Maddie, you will be on the cover of all the magazines that you were never on the cover of before: Time, Newsweek, U.S. News and World Report.

Maddie:  There is too much hype and press attention; too many things to go wrong. 

David:  All the more reason we should be working for the side of truth justice and the American way.

Maddie:  The American way is the best defense your money can buy … I don’t like it.

David:  But Maddie ---

Maddie:  No.

David:  I guess when a woman says “no” she means “NO.”

Maddie:  All men should understand that concept.

David:  Ok.

Maddie and David enter his office and in seconds he is leading a woman out alone,

David:  Well Miss Clark --

Marcia:  Marsha, Please.

David:  Marsha, this type of case is not really our forte.  Besides – you already have a boatload of evidence … the DNA alone is a lock.  An open and shut case if I have ever seen one.

Marcia:  Chris Darden and I are just trying to cover all bases. 

David:  They are well covered.

Marcia:  We owe it to the people of California.

David:  Speaking for the people, we salute you.

Marcia:  There is nothing I can say … the defense team –

David:  That Dream Team?   Just posturing … they’re running scared.

Marcia:  If you reconsider (she hands him her card).

David:  You’ll be the second to know.

Marcia Clark leaves and David is left standing in the office looking like he just let the biggest fish of his life get away – professionally speaking.  Agnes leans over his shoulder.

Agnes:  That lady needs to rethink that hair cut.  Perms are so passé.

David:  Hey Mad-day … safe to come out now.

Maddie joins David at the desk.

Maddie:  (To Agnes) Who’s next?

Agnes:  They asked if you would consider meeting them in the garage.

David:  What?

Agnes:  They are a little … you know … spooky.  They are worried that the place is bugged or being watched. 

Maddie: We really need to talk about prescreening.

Agnes:  They said that they would meet you on level 4 near the boiler room.

David leads Maddie reluctantly out of the office and into the elevator.

Maddie: In the garage?  I am not sure we should be indulging these delusional fantasies.

David:  How about we blow the rest of the day off so you can indulge a few of my fantasies.

Maddie:  Eight : Seven.

David:  You know you want to.

Maddie:  Nine : Seven.  Keep talking Addison.

David:  No good Maddie … Eight : Seven.

Maddie:  Fine.

1:30 PM – Confidential

Maddie and David exit the elevator and are quickly approached by a man and a woman.

Mulder:  I am Fox Mulder and this is Dana Scully.  Thank you for meeting us down here.

Scully: I know that this is slightly unorthodox.

David:  We are non-denominational.

Scully:  We want to hire you to find our infant son.

Maddie:  Was he kidnapped?  Shouldn’t you call the FBI?

Mulder:  The FBI can’t help us.

Scully:  We have to tell them everything.

Mulder:  Trust No One.

Scully:  This is for William … we have to trust someone.

Mulder:  We can do this ourselves.

Scully:  Ourselves?  We no longer have the protection of the agency or the office.  We are living in the shadows.  If we go searching for William we might as well paint a target on our backs as well as his.

Maddie:  Do you want to reschedule?

Scully:  I’m sorry.  Look this is it … nine seasons in a nutshell … We used to work for the FBI … we were agents … special agents … assigned to work on the X Files.

Maddie:  The X Files?

Mulder:  Cases that could not be programmed, categorized or easily referenced.  In other words … UNSOLVED MYSTERIES.

David:  I’ve seen the show.  (looking at Maddie) Robert Stack is great.

Scully:  My partner here is of the belief that beings from another planet ---

Maddie:  Aliens?

Mulder:  I am … well we are the key figures in an ongoing government charade … a plot to conceal the truth about the existence of extraterrestrials.  It is a global conspiracy actually, with key players in the highest levels of power and it reaches down to the lives of every man, woman and child on this planet.

Scully:  No one believes us… er … um … him of course.  He is annoyance to his superiors, a joke to our peers, they call him SPOOKY.

Mulder:  SPOOKY MULDER whose sister was abducted by aliens when he was just a kid and now he chases after little green men with a badge and a gun.

David:  So what do you want us to do?

Scully:  Several years ago I was abducted.  My eggs were harvested and I was left barren. 

Mulder:  Almost two years ago – just after I was abducted the second time, Scully discovered she was pregnant.

Scully:  Some of my eggs had been found in a secret government facility.  The procedure – in vitro fertilization – was not successful.   But nonetheless – I was pregnant.  The child was born under less than normal circumstances.

Mulder: I’d say.  It was like the second coming … right down to the star, the barn and three wise men bearing gifts.

David:  You were back by then?

Mulder:  Also under less than normal circumstances.  I was not safe and needed to lose myself in the system to protect Scully and our son.

David:  (at Mulder) You are the father?

Mulder smiles enigmatically but does not answer.

Scully:  It became clear that our son was not safe either. 

Maddie:  Why?

Scully:  He could do things … things would happen around him … people believed that he was not human.

Mulder:  Or SUPER Human

Maddie:  All mothers think their child is special.

Scully:  You have no idea.  Some wanted to hail him as a god while others were trying to kill him  … he was not safe. I arranged for him to be adopted in secret.  (She breaks down in tears and Mulder puts his hand on her shoulder.)

Mulder:  You did what you had to do.  Finally … about a year ago … well the end of the last season … I was put on trial for murder.

Maddie:  Murder?

Scully:  It was a military tribunal.

Mulder:  A kangaroo court.  There was no way for me to win.

Maddie:  Murder?

Scully:  He was a super soldier … genetically altered … there is no way to kill him. 

Mulder:  I was convicted … what a surprise … and with the help of a few people at the FBI … we escaped.

Scully:  Now we are worried about William.  The parents I left him with are no longer there.  It is as if they never existed … no record of them ever living there … living anywhere.

David:  Should have used an agency.

Scully:  We cannot look for William on our own.  We need your help.

David:  You know this government/spy/alien stuff is really not our area.

Just then a car screeches through the parking structure.  Mulder and Scully duck down behind the nearest car and David pushes Maddie behind the pillar.  Shots are fired and returned.  The car screeches out again.  Maddie and David look up to see Mulder and Scully disappearing up the staircase.  The door closes loudly and they are left alone in a silent garage.

David:  Doesn’t sound like the kid will be any safer with them.

She storms off toward the elevator.

David:  What?  Did you want to take their case?

Maddie:  How hard can it be to get a decent case in this episode?

David:  Oh you mean like the magician that came back from the dead to kill his wife?  Or the old man that tried to frame me for his suicide?  Or old hit man who wanted to find the young hit man to impart some wisdom?  Or the mob John who talked in his sleep to his hooker?

Maddie:  Or how about no case at all.

David: You know where that leads.

The elevator doors open and Maddie steps in and hits the button.

Maddie:  At least the readers would get SOMETHING resembling an episode.

David:  The hell with the readers … I want something.

David wraps her up in his arms.

Maddie:  Nine : Seven … This is going to be sweet.

David:  You know I can’t lose … forcing me to touch you for ten –

Maddie:  Twenty minutes … and it isn’t just touching or rubbing … it is a serious massage.  I’ve got a lot of tension in these shoulders.

David:  You know I got the cure for that that has nothing to do with my hands on your back.

Maddie:   Thirty minutes.

David:  It ain’t over until it is over, lady.

He lets her go.

Maddie:  We are taking the next case that walks in the door.

David:  Famous last words.

 2:00 PM – Baggins/Gamgee

Maddie strides through the door with David close behind.

Maddie:  Bring it on Agnes.

Agnes:  Your 2 o’clock is here … but …

David:  But what?

Agnes:  They are … short.

David:  Short?

Agnes:  Yeah … like half the size of a grown up person.

Maddie:  You mean like a Dwarf.

Agnes:  They say they are Hobbits.

David: Rabbits?

Agnes:  Hobbits.

Maddie:  So?

Agnes:  They don’t have any shoes on and they have furry feet.

Maddie:  Why am I not surprised?

David:  No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service … that’s what I always say.

Maddie:  (mumbles) Not last night.

David:  (whispers back) Ten : Eight … Addison is still in the game.

Agnes:  Should I send them away?

David:  Nope … Come on Goldilocks … this one is ours.

Maddie and David enter Maddie’s office. 

Maddie:  I am Maddie Hayes and this is David Addison.

The smaller one struggles to his feet and places his hands behind his back.

Frodo:  I am Frodo, Son of Drogo, heir to Bilbo Baggins.  (He bows slightly).  This is Sam, Samwise Gamgee, my faithful servant.

David:  Always wanted one of those. 

Frodo:  We come to you at a time of great need.  The shadow is growing in the east and we are in dire need of your help.

Maddie:  A shadow? 

David looks out the window toward the east and shrugs.

Maddie:  How can we help you?

At this Frodo loses his nerve and looks down.  Sam is annoyed and stands up next to Frodo.

Sam:  Are you going to tell them? 

Frodo looks away and Sam turns to Maddie and David.

Sam:  Lord Elrond, the Half-elven has appointed Mr. Frodo as the ring bearer.

Frodo:  (throws himself down on the couch and covers his face with his hands, weeping) I wish it had never come to me.  I wish none of this had happened.

Sam: (continuing without taking notice of Frodo)  He is … was to bear the Ring of power ... 
THE ONE RING.  THE ONE RING forged by the Dark Lord Sauron in the fires of Mount Doom in the dark land of Mordor. 

Frodo:  Into it Sauron poured his cruelty, his malice and his will to dominate all life.

Sam:  He WAS to cast it into the fire from whence it came, the only place it could be unmade ... destroying it and saving all of Middle-Earth from falling into a second darkness.

Maddie and David look at each other, very confused and slightly amused.

Maddie:  So he was supposed to do it?  And now ...

Sam:  He lost it.

David and Maddie:  Lost it?

Frodo:  (mumbles with a face full of uphostery) LOST.  My precious is lost.

David:  Sounds like you have saved yourself the trip to ... where again?

Frodo: Mordor ... Mount Doom.

David smiles.

David:  Is this some sort of game – you know like a treasure hunt or a Dungeons and Dragon’s type thing?

Frodo:  (mumbling, with his face still in his hands)

Sam pulls Frodo to his feet.

Frodo:  There has not been a dragon in Middle-Earth since Uncle Bilbo slew Smaug more than 60 years ago.

David:  Of course.

Maddie:  Of course.  So you lost this ring.  What does it look like?

Frodo:  It has markings on it … a form of elvish ... there are few who can read it.  It is the language of Mordor, which I will not utter here.

Sam:  In the common tongue it says “One Ring to rule them all.” 

Frodo:  It is but two lines of a verse know in Elven-lore.

David:  Oh sure … Elven-lore.

Maddie:  What does “them all” mean?

Sam:  Sauron the deceiver created many rings.  This one was to rule them all.

Frodo:  (standing with his hands behind his back) The lore says:

        Three rings for the Elven-kings under the sky,
             Seven for the Dwarf-lords in their halls of stone,
        Nine for Mortal Men doomed to die,
             One for the Dark Lord on his dark throne
        In the Land of Mordor where the Shadows lie.
             One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them,
             One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them
        In the Land of Mordor where the Shadows lie.
David:  So you lost this ONE RING?

Sam:  Isildur’s bane.

David:  Who?

Maddie:  So … you lost this ring.  Was it loose?  Did it fall off your hand?

Frodo and Sam both jump back.

Frodo:  I cannot wear the ring.  The agents of the dark lord …

Sam:  The Nazgul …

Frodo: The Ringwraiths …

Sam: The Nine  …

Frodo:  Once Men ...

Sam: Great Kings of Men...

Frodo: They would be drawn to its power.

Sam:  They will never stop seeking it.

Frodo:  If they find me, they will kill me and return the ring to its master.

Sam:  It wants to be found.

David:  It?

Sam:  The Ring.

David:  So if it wants to be found it should be easy to find.

Frodo:   I have - had this one chance to destroy evil forever.

Maddie:  I see.  You say you can’t wear it, so how do you keep it with you?

Frodo:  On a chain about my neck or in my pock-

Frodo’s face freezes as he touches his vest pocket.  A look of total embarrassment crosses his face.

Sam:  It is in your pocket isn’t it Mr. Frodo?

Frodo:  Come on Sam, we must be going.

Sam:  I told you to check your pocket didn’t I Mr. Frodo. (mocking Frodo)  It is not in there, Sam.  I have checked my pocket, Sam.

Frodo:  (sarcastically) I'm SO glad you're with me Sam.

Sam:  Yeah, well, all things being equal, Mr. Frodo.  I'd rather be in Philadelphia.

Just then Frodo disappears.  Sam looks back at Maddie and David.

Sam:  He does this all the time.  The ring makes him invisible when he puts it on.  He is NOT SUPPOSED to put it on.  Mr. Gandalf told him NOT TO PUT IT ON … The hearts of men and Hobbits are easily corrupted.

Maddie:  I've heard that.

Sam exits calling after Frodo. 

Maddie:  Can we just say we solved that case so we can say we solved a case this episode?

David:  Fine by me.


Agnes is standing in front of Maddie’s desk looking a little shamefaced.

Maddie:  Alright Agnes – spill.

Agnes:  We had some “special guest star” quotas to fill.

Maddie:  In one episode?

Agnes:  Yeah, well it … you see it's like … well … the writer is on strike.

David:  The writer can’t be on strike, I still got tons of new dialogue to read this week. 

Agnes:  I suppose it's more of a protest.

Maddie:  For what?

Agnes:  Comments … Ratings … anything from the readers that let us know that her hard work is appreciated.

Maddie:  What about the hit count on the site?

Agnes:  She wants more.

David:  So she rehashed a bunch of tired old silly plots for us to wade through?

Agnes:  Rather than to come up with her own silly plot, yes sir.

Maddie:  I see.

David:  Who wrote this mess anyway?

Agnes:  She won’t say. 

David:  Won’t say?

Maddie:  Why not?

Agnes:  I think she is mad at you two too.

Maddie and David:  US?  Why us?

Agnes:  She thinks you are phoning your performances in.

David:  This is the internet Agnes … phoning in would be an improvement.

Agnes:  I understand her complaint.  The writers work hard … long hours, nights, weekends, last minute changes, computer glitches … you know this isn’t the virtual writing staff’s only gig.  A little comment … a note of thanks is not too much to ask.

Maddie:  I think they have done some wonderful stuff so far this season … just wonderful.

David:  I’m happy.  I got a car … pretty cherry car … that was cool.  I could have done without the car wreck, but then again I wouldn’t have gotten the car.

Maddie:  The health thing was a little nerve wracking and more serious than we are used to, but I guess that was not the end of the world.

David:  And the food fight was fun. 

Maddie:  Says the man who did not have to wash creamed spinach out of his hair.

David:  Halloween was kind of a kick and we did get to have sex finally.

Maddie opens her mouth but David stops her.

David:  We are discussing here Maddie … that was not banter.

Agnes:  I hear the plans for the winter and spring are just awesome.  It will be like four months of sweeps.

Maddie:  So what do we do?

Agnes:  Better … do better and maybe leave a comment on the forum.

David:  I hate that forum.  The pop ups are so annoying.

Maddie:  We have one more episode before the Christmas hiatus right?

Agnes:  Yeah ... in two weeks.  It is going to be a Christmas to remember.

David:  Well Miss Hayes, I’m game if you are.

Maddie:  Gamer than game … downright gamey.

David:  If she is going to continue to steal my lines … I am going to have a "talk" with the writer myself.

Agnes:  There is one more thing.

Maddie:  Not surprised.

Agnes: Well you might enjoy this … of course I have no scientific proof … but I know the staff and crew would enjoy seeing more banter, sexual innuendo and maybe even a PDA once in a while.

Maddie:  PDA?

David:  (laughing) Public Display of Affection.

David looks at Maddie and she at him.  Then she pulls him down into her lap and kisses him hard on the lips.

Agnes smiles and a cheer can be heard off page.

David:  You lose Miss Hayes.

She kisses him again to another rousing round of applause by the staff and crew.

David:  Winning is sweet.

Maddie:  Losing is sweeter.  (kiss)

David:  Agnes, cancel the rest of the appointments for today … the lady and I have some place to go.

Maddie:  Not on your life Addison.

David:  You lost my little song bird.

Maddie:  Not going to happen Addison.

Epilogue 2:

A darkened bar in a moderate section of town.  It is almost empty but there are quite a few regulars scattered around.  The jukebox music is turned off and a familiar yet unwelcome song comes up.

David:  LIGHTS.

The lights come up.  Maddie is standing on a slightly raised stage in front of a Karaoke machine.

Maddie:  David.

David:  Not going to welsh on a bet now are you? Start it again Hal.

The music starts again.  Maddie looks at the monitor and shakes her head and closes her eyes.  She brings the mike to her lips and sings reluctantly.

Maddie:  Feelings …. Nothing more than feelings …  David I can’t do this. …  Trying to forget my feelings of love FEEEEEEEEEEEELINGS.  Whoa Whoa Whoa …  OK that’s enough.

David:  I’ll tell you when it is enough.

Maddie glares at him.

David:  Ok … that’s enough.


A HUGE thank you goes out to our special guest character creators and some of the dialogue plagiarized here.  If it ain’t on the page it ain’t on the stage or film or TV or Virtual Seasons.  Thank you!

In order of appearance:

Robert Butler and Michael Gleason for “Laura Holt” and “Remington Steele”
Victor Hugo, Alain Boublin and Claude-Michel Shonberg for “Javert” and “Jean Valjean” 
James Cameron for “The Terminator” and “Kyle Reese” 
Charlotte Bronte for “Edward Rochester” and “Jane Eyre”
William Shakespeare for the liberty to create “Mrs. Rosencrantz” and “Mrs. Gildenstern” 
Chris Carter for “Dana Scully” and “Fox Mulder” (Chris Sundays are not the same without you).
JRR Tolkien, Peter Jackson, Fran Walsh and Phillipa Boyens for “Frodo Baggins” and “Sam Gamgee”  (The journey continues December 18, 2002 … YAHOO!)

And to Marsha Clark and Chris Darden … thank you.

As always my fellow staff writers are the best.  Can’t name you here cause then I would give myself away.  ;-)

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