Season Nine - Episode 3

 

BRAT PATROL

 

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INTRODUCTION

 

INT - FOUR SEASONS HOTEL SUITE - MORNING

 

The hotel suite is very messy, with clothes, books etc. strewn about the place.  The mess extends into the bedroom.  There is a room service cart with the remains of a burger, fries, coke and chocolate cake.  A young boy, aged ten, enters the living room area from the bathroom.  He has a huge towel wrapped around his small waist and another wrapped around his head.  He looks like he is about to be swallowed up by the towels.  He looks bored, annoyed and restless.  The boy picks up the phone and dials one number. 

 

KID:  Room service?  Is this Ramon? ... Well, is he there? ... Put him on  ... Ramon? ... What? ... Yeah, I know ... No ... How long this time? ... I don't care ... I really don't care. Send me up an Egg McMuffin ... two ... I'm hungry ... fine, make it the Four Seasons way. …  Right.  Thanks.  Later. 

 

He slams the phone down.  Clearly he does care - he cares very much about whatever it was he said he didn't care about.  He stomps off to the bedroom, presumably to get dressed. 

 

On the table there is a note and a stack of twenty dollar bills.   The note says:

 

Pierce --

 

Call Ramon if you need anything.

Your mom is out for the day.

I should be back tonight, if not, then in the morning.

We'll go to the beach then.  Or maybe Disneyland

if I have the time. 

 

Dad

 

The note is sitting on top of the morning paper.  An article has been circled in red.  It describes the Faraways bringing down a drug ring.  There is a picture too, with the faces of Mr. and Mrs. Faraway blurred out, but in the background are David Addison and Maddie Hayes – plain as day.  The words “Blue Moon Detective Agency” are underlined in red - twice.

 

~|~|~|~|~

 

ACT 1 – A New Day

 

INT: MADDIE'S OFFICE AT BLUE MOON – MORNING

 

Maddie flips through pages of vendor invoices.  She turns to her calculator and runs some more numbers.  Her expression tells us all we need to know.  It’s not adding up. 

 

KNOCK on the door.

 

MADDIE:  Come in.

 

A very pregnant Agnes waddles in carrying some letters and a magazine.  Her normal bubbly mood is checked.

 

AGNES:  These just came for you, Miss Hayes. 

 

She drops the items on the edge of Maddie’s desk and turns to leave without another word.

 

MADDIE:  Agnes, are you all right?

 

AGNES:  (turning back) I’m sorry, Miss Hayes.  (Rubbing her swollen abdomen) The baby is keeping me up all night.  Feels like he’s building a second floor. 

 

Maddie gets up and directs Agnes to a chair. 

 

MADDIE:  You need your rest, Agnes.  Why don’t you take the rest of the day off? Go home, get some sleep. 

 

AGNES:  I’ll be all right.  I just need more coffee. 

 

MADDIE:  I can’t think drinking coffee is good for your baby.  Maybe that’s what’s keeping him up at night.

 

AGNES:  That theory won’t be generally accepted for a few years yet. 

 

MADDIE:  (Puzzles a look at Agnes) Go home, Agnes.  Get some sleep.

 

Agnes nods but it's clear she has no intention of going home. 

 

AGNES:  How are YOU feeling Miss Hayes?

 

MADDIE:  (flatly) Fine. I’m fine. (feigning happiness) I'm feeling ... great.

 

Maddie returns to her desk.  Clearly she doesn’t want to talk about how she is feeling. Morning sickness was not fun the last time either.  Agnes rises and goes to the door. 

 

AGNES:  (flatly) Great.  Great Great. 

 

MADDIE: Yeah, Great.

 

Agnes sighs, and closes the door tightly behind her.  Maddie turns her attention to the mail Agnes has brought in.  A few are bills that she tosses into the pile.  She sees one envelope that she opens greedily.  It’s a check.  She smiles when she sees the amount – got to love those retainer payments from corporate clients – no work and pay.  The next envelope has the return address of the Faraways, but the stamp is from Mexico.  Maddie slips the letter opener through carefully as if it might be booby trapped.  She dumps the contents on her desk.  There is a short note, a couple of pictures and a check.  Maddie picks up the check first and nods in approval.  Then the note:

 

          Dear Blue Moon –

          Thanks for all your help.

          We are enjoying ourselves

in surf and sun and toasting

you all for a job well done.

          Married life is great!

          Come on in the water is fine!

          The Faraways

 

Maddie picks up the pictures.  One is of the Faraways at the courthouse in Los Angeles just after they got married.  They look happy, but it still depresses Maddie.  Getting married by a Justice of the Peace ranks just above a shotgun wedding in Vegas by Elvis – oh wait… she did that.  The other picture is of them on the beach – it could be them – they have big hats and sunglasses on.  They are still hiding from the Faraways’ connections.  Not the way Maddie would want to start out married life either. 

 

She slumps down into her chair and studies the picture of the Faraways at the courthouse.  The magazine that Agnes brought in catches her eye.  It is a copy of Modern Bride.  She tosses the picture aside and inspects the address on the label; it should have been delivered two floors down to Doctor Fister’s office…the Proctologist?  She flips through the pages, pausing to really look at several dresses, some cakes and floral arrangements.  She leans back in her chair.  She is long past the big white wedding day – but there has to be something between that and the Justice of the Peace.  She can't think about that now, she'll think about it tomorrow - or the next day.  She tosses the magazine on to the desk and goes back to work.

 

Without knocking, David bursts through the door. 

 

DAVID:  Hey Blondie Blonde, what’s shaking?  And will you shake it for me?

 

MADDIE:  You need some new material.

 

Maddie is happy to see the whirlwind that is David.  She can't help it, frankly she doesn't try anymore.  David gives her a quick kiss, drops a McDonald’s Bag down in front of her and sits down on the edge of her desk.  He sees the pictures and picks them up. Maddie is not happy to see or smell what's in the bag.

 

MADDIE:  What’s this?

 

She gingerly moves the bag beyond her reach.

 

DAVID:  Breakfast … you need to eat for one at least … and I know you didn’t eat before you came to work this morning – at the crack of dawn.  Roosters don’t get up that early, Maddie. 

 

MADDIE:  That isn’t food, David.

 

DAVID:  Of course it is.

 

He pulls the Egg McMuffin sandwich out of the grease soaked bag and peels back the grease soaked wrapper. 

 

DAVID:  It's got your four basic food groups.  (Pointing to each section of the sandwich).  Grains & Breads – in the MUFFIN, Milk and Dairy in the cheese - the Mc.

 

MADDIE:  That's not real cheese.

 

DAVID: And protein – the EGG. 

 

MADDIE:  And that didn’t come from a chicken.

 

DAVID:  Egg McMuffin.  Perfect.

 

Maddie shakes her head.  David frowns and takes a bite – he's not impressed either.  David rewraps it and tosses the sandwich back into the bag, yielding to her observations.

 

DAVID:  I got you juice too. 

 

He pulls an OJ out of the bag but it's thin enough to be TANG.  Maddie shakes her head - if she had any kind of appetite before, it's gone now. 

 

DAVID:  (hitching a thumb over his shoulder) I have Pop Tarts in my office. 

 

Maddie shakes her head. 

 

DAVID:  Sugar Smacks?  Lucky Charms?  Come on Maddie, you need to eat.

 

MADDIE:  Fruit?

 

DAVID:  I finished the Fruit Loops yesterday ... but I can go get you some more. 

 

MADDIE:  We need to talk about your eating habits ... you can't be eating like an eight year old when the baby comes.

 

DAVID:  I swear - broccoli and spinach all the way.

 

Maddie rolls her eyes in disbelief.

 

MADDIE:  Where were you all morning?

 

DAVID: (checking watch) It’s ten after ten – we have a whole hundred minutes before we hit afternoon, so that makes it still morning. 

 

Maddie keeps working.

 

DAVID:  (looking at the paperwork in front of her) Did Mama Bear miss Papa Bear?

 

He picks up the magazine and starts flipping through it.

 

MADDIE:  (playful but not looking at him) Papa Bear may not be sleeping in my bed if --

 

DAVID:  What the hell??? 

 

He turns the magazine toward Maddie, showing her a page that depicts a ridiculously large and involved wedding cake, one that some would call extreme. 

 

DAVID:  Is that a cake?  Is that a fountain?  Of water?  Do you eat that or put it in the garden?

 

Maddie shrugs a nod.

 

DAVID:  That probably costs more than the food.

 

MADDIE:  (disinterested) I used to want a chocolate wedding cake with chocolate icing, green ivy piping and purple or yellow roses. 

 

DAVID:  (resuming his flipping through the magazine) You want a chocolate wedding cake?  Isn’t that against the rules?

 

MADDIE:  My wedding, my rules. 

 

DAVID:  Says you.  (beat) When was this?

 

MADDIE:  (Leans back, thinking about her wedding cake) I was seven ... or nine ... not more than twelve.

 

DAVID:  That was the last time you thought about your wedding?

 

MADDIE: (pulls out of her reverie and snaps her attention back to David) No, of course not.  It was the last time I thought of the cake. 

 

She goes back to working on the invoices.

 

DAVID:  Yeah, guess there aren’t a lot of models that focus on the cake, huh?  You don't have to worry about that anymore. (He pauses, waiting for her to react…  nothing.)  So you thought about a wedding, huh?

 

MADDIE:  Sure, I’m a girl.

 

DAVID:  Yes you are … and I can prove it.  (Leans down to kiss her and puts his hand on her abdomen) 

 

Maddie pulls away, uncomfortable with the slight bit of weight she has gained already. 

 

DAVID:  (nodding at the pics) So the Faraways are married and far away, huh?  What kind of cake do you think they had?

 

MADDIE:  Probably a Hostess Twinkie out of the vending machine.

 

DAVID:  You disapprove? 

 

MADDIE:  That's no way to get married.  That's no way to make a lifetime commitment to someone.  A wedding is a ceremony and it should be beautiful, memorable ... symbolic.

 

DAVID:  What makes a beautiful memorable symbolic wedding?

 

Maddie leans back and looks to the ceiling.

 

MADDIE:  The gown, the veil, the flowers, the music … the rings, the vows. 

 

DAVID:  Uncle Jack hitting on Sister Sue.  Cousin Tim throwing up in the centerpieces. The Maid of Honor making it with the Best Man in the coatroom.

 

MADDIE:  (scolding) David.

 

DAVID:  Maddie. (beat)  So you really want a big wedding?

 

MADDIE:  Who?  Me?

 

DAVID:  Yes, thee.

 

MADDIE:  No. (beat) Not any more.

 

DAVID:  (hurt) Why not?  You'd look great in this little number (pointing to a very tight, very backless wedding dress).

 

MADDIE:  Won't be squeezing myself into that any time soon - or ever again.

 

DAVID: You deserve a big wedding – with the gown, the veil and all the bells and whistles.

 

MADDIE:  (shrug) I didn’t say I didn’t deserve it.  But I've been married before and I'm not ...

 

DAVID:  (lustily) I know what you're not.  (holding up another picture of a ridiculous wedding dress) Maybe this comes in OFF white.

 

MADDIE:  I'm not a kid.  Besides, (she holds up the checks) I can’t afford it. 

 

DAVID:  Money is no object … would you want a big wedding?  The cake, the flowers, the seventeen bridesmaids in dresses they will never wear again and some big white floppy dress like this? 

 

MADDIE:  (serious & gentle) No, no I don’t.

 

DAVID:  But you do want to get married?

 

MADDIE:  (leery) Do you?

 

DAVID:  It’s just a question, Maddie. 

 

MADDIE:  Do you?

 

DAVID:  Asked you first. 

 

MADDIE:  Sure.  Do you?

 

DAVID:  Sure. 

 

MADDIE:  Do you want a wedding? A big wedding?  All the bells and whistles?

 

DAVID:  (makes a face) A wedding?  Bells? Whistles?

 

MADDIE:  Yes.  With a Groom’s cake, seventeen groomsmen taking you out for your last night of freedom.

 

DAVID:  I call that Saturday.  (Pauses, waiting for laughter that doesn’t come).  Never thought about a wedding … thought about a wedding night.

 

MADDIE:  David!

 

DAVID:  (mocking) Maddie!  I call that Sunday morning.

 

MADDIE:  (Ignoring him) So we’re agreed.  Neither of us wants a big wedding. 

 

DAVID:  Agreed.

 

MADDIE:  But you do want to get married.

 

David and Maddie stare at each other for a moment.  David is the first to break.

 

DAVID:  Yeah, sure ... you know ... someday.

 

MADDIE:  Someday?

 

DAVID:  Yeah, right ... someday.

 

MADDIE:  Something small, with just close friends and family. 

 

DAVID:  Hypothetically?

 

MADDIE:  Hypothetically. 

 

DAVID:  (gets up and head to the door) Yeah, something small ... with an open bar. 

 

MADDIE:  David? 

 

DAVID:  That’s me.  (Pauses by the door with his hand on the knob, ready to make a getaway)

 

MADDIE:  Have you thought about the bride?

 

DAVID:  Hypothetically?

 

MADDIE:  No.

 

DAVID:  Have you ... thought about a groom?

 

MADDIE:  Yes. (long pause) But only recently. 

 

DAVID:  (wide grin) Yeah, me too. 

 

MADDIE:  That’s a start, right?

 

DAVID:  The best way to start - good casting. 

 

MADDIE:  The rest is just ... extra.

 

DAVID:  Icing on the cake … a chocolate cake ... with piping and ... roses.

 

MADDIE:  (smiling) Maybe something more traditional.

 

DAVID:  Definitely - leave the nontraditional to me for the wedding night. 

 

They hold a long loving look for a moment before David slips out.    

 

~|~|~|~|~

 

ACT II - THE CLIENT

 

INT - BLUE MOON INVESTIGATIONS MAIN OFFICE - LATER

 

The kid from the first act walks into the office. He looks lost and upset but is trying to be stoic. 

 

AGNES:  May I help you, little boy?

 

KID: (thick Russian accent) Hello, I need a detective. 

 

AGNES:  A what?

 

KID: (thicker Russian accent) A detective.

 

Maddie opens her door and sees who Agnes is talking to. 

 

MADDIE:  Agnes?

 

AGNES:  Ms Hayes.  This little ... young ... person says he needs a something but --

 

Maddie leans down and musters up as much maternal instinct as she can, but is hit with another wave of nausea. 

 

MADDIE: Are you lost?  Where are your parents?

 

KID:  (louder with thicker Russian accent) I need a detective.  I want to hire you to find my father.

 

MADDIE: Would you come with me?  (to Agnes) Would you send --

 

AGNES:  Mr. Addison right in?  Yes, Ms. Hayes. As soon as he gets back.

 

David appears just at that moment.

 

AGNES:  He's back.

 

David has a banana, yogurt and a bagel in his hand, presumably for Maddie.  He notices the kid right away. 

 

DAVID:  New client? (to the kid) Someone steal your bike?  Your GI Joes?  Lunch money?

 

Maddie shoots him a scolding look.

 

DAVID:  (lowers his voice) Thought we had a height requirement.

 

MADDIE:  Let's go into your office, Mr. Addison.

 

DAVID:  By all means, Ms. Hayes.  Agnes, bring us a booster seat and some crayons.

 

Maddie leads the way to David's office.  The kid is watching her in a way a ten year old shouldn't be watching a forty year old.  David watches the kid watching Maddie and takes an instant liking to the kid.

 

DAVID:  (lowers his voice) Nice, huh? Don't get any ideas. She's all mine and way out of your league, kid.

 

KID: (scanning David) Yours too.

 

David smiles - yep, he definitely likes the kid.

 

They settle in David's office: Maddie in the chair by the desk, the kid on the couch and David leaning against the desk behind Maddie. He puts the bagel down, peels the banana and takes a bite.  Maddie shoots him a scolding look.

 

DAVID: (shrugging and mumbling) Didn't know we were having company or I would have gotten the whole bunch. 

 

MADDIE: (to the kid) How can we help you?

 

KID: (Russian accent) My name is Dimitri Senechak Leopold Romochka Petrovich. 

 

David laughs at the accent.  He didn't have one a moment ago.

 

DAVID:  That's quite a handle, kid.

 

KID:  You may call me Pasha.

 

MADDIE:  You said something about your father, Pasha?

 

KID:  (forced Russian accent) Yes, my father has been kidnapped. 

 

DAVID:  (choking) Kidnapped? 

 

MADDIE:  Kidnapped?

 

DAVID:  By who, Boris and Natasha?  Rocky and Bullwinkle?

 

MADDIE: This is really something that the police should handle, Pasha.

 

KID:  (jumping up - accent slipping) No police.  No police.  Police will get him killed.

 

DAVID:  (amused) How old are you, kid?

 

KID:  Sixteen.

 

DAVID: (fake sneeze) Bullsh*t.

 

MADDIE:  Pasha –

 

DAVID:  So what are you…like nine, eight?

 

KID:  (accent fading in and out) It's important that we find my father right away.  He is a computer scientist working on a software program that would allow people to shop online on the interwebs.

 

DAVID:  I stand in line all the time to buy beer and I don’t need software or the inter-whatever.

 

KID: (accent slipping) It's a website where a person can buy books, videos, CDs and have them delivered right to his door.  The sky will be the limit in the future.  Very big.  Very cutting edge.  Very hush hush.  People would kill for this technology. 

 

DAVID:  To buy a book?

 

MADDIE:  Sounds very interesting but about your father --

 

KID:  Yes, my father ... he has been kidnapped by the KGB.

 

DAVID:  (amused) They want in on this venture since now they are capitalist dogs like the rest of us? 

 

The kid looks confused. 

 

DAVID:  Is there still a KGB? Thought they disbanded when the wall fell.

 

Maddie looks confused.  She can't believe that David is encouraging the kid.

 

DAVID:  It was in all the papers ... the collapse of the Soviet Union ... surprised you didn't hear about it.  

 

KID:  (Russian accent) I have been in the American states for many years.  My father is working with your programmers...  

 

DAVID:  Right, right ... on this online shopping website software thing-a-ma-jig - to buy a book.

 

KID:  Yes ... yes ... And videos and CD Albums.  It will be called "The Nile dot com".

 

DAVID:  Someone's in DENIAL alright.

 

MADDIE:  David.

 

KID:  Please, there isn't much time.  

 

DAVID:  So you got a ransom demand?

 

KID:  (thick Russian accent) He was not kidnapped for ransom.

 

DAVID:  Right, the KGB wants this program so they can get in on the ground floor and control the market on books and videos.

 

MADDIE:  (standing up) David, may I see you outside, please.  NOW!

 

DAVID:  Excuse us, kid.  Mom and Dad need pool our pennies to see if we can buy some stock in this venture. 

 

~|~|~

 

INT - BLUE MOON OFFICE - OUTSIDE DAVID'S DOOR

 

DAVID:  Miss DiPesto ... get our (elaborate air quotes) client some milk and cookies. 

 

MADDIE:  David!

 

DAVID:  Too early?  Fine, Miss DiPesto ... make it a Pop tart and chocolate milk. 

 

MADDIE:  David!

 

DAVID:  The unfrosted and plain milk, Miss DiPesto. 

 

Agnes doesn't move.

 

MADDIE:  We need to take this kid to the police.

 

DAVID:  Come on, Maddie ... they can't throw you in jail for making up stories or every one of the writers in Hollywood would be typing from San Quentin. 

 

MADDIE: Not all of them. Most are hack typists who wouldn't know an original idea if it came up and bit them in the ass.  (turns to the future)  And I am looking at you Primetime TV 2011.

 

DAVID:  Maddie...

 

MADDIE:  David, I don't know what this boy’s real story is, but if his father has been indeed taken, we need to go to the police.  If he's just making this up, then his parents are worried sick about him and we need to --

 

DAVID:  Take him to the police ... I know but...

 

MADDIE:  There are no buts.  David, what if this was your child? ... Our child?

 

DAVID:  I would hope he would have a better story than Russian programmer being kidnapped for an online shopping software site.  Who's going to logon to Mississippi dot com to buy a book when you can walk down to your local bookstore? 

 

MADDIE:  It was The Nile ... doesn't matter, David.  (She folds her arms across her chest)  I'm serious.

 

DAVID:  I'm David, nice to meet you.  Look, Maddie.  He's just a kid.  Do we really need to go to the police?  How about I just take him home?

 

MADDIE:  (shakes her head) David, I don't think...

 

DAVID:  If this were our kid, wouldn't you want someone to help him ... and not just dump him off at the police station?  A kid like that could wind up on the street singing for his supper.

 

MADDIE:  (reluctantly) I will give you one hour, David.  ONE HOUR to find out his real name and where he lives, or you have to take him to the police. 

 

DAVID:  One hour ... got it.

 

MADDIE:  In the mean time, I am going to call the police to see if a kid has been reported missing. 

 

DAVID: (whining) Oh come on ... then they will want you to bring him in and they will book him and he will get lost in the system, turn to drugs and a life of crime and some day he will break into our house and steal our 50" TV. 

 

MADDIE:  We don't have a 50" TV - no one has a 50" TV. 

 

DAVID:  I've been meaning to talk to you about that ... with a baby on the way, wouldn't it be cool if the Sesame Street characters were sharp, super sharp ... like Hi Definition?  I hear the boys at MIT, AT&T, Phillips, GI, Zenith, and RCA are working on something really cool.

 

MADDIE:  Cool.  Right ... And the Phillies would look better in HiDef too ... How far out of first place are they now?

 

DAVID:  (caught, feigning disinterest) I wouldn't know ... but I hear they are doing well ... very well ... leading their division.

 

MADDIE:  (unimpressed) Right. 

 

DAVID:  Forget all that ... one hour ... give me an hour to take him home ... don't call the police until then, OK?

 

MADDIE:  (reluctant) OK.

 

DAVID:  (mocking Gleason) Baby, you're the greatest.

 

MADDIE:  Tell me one thing, why do you care so much about this kid? 

 

DAVID:  Call it ... paternal instinct. 

 

Maddie shakes her head. 

 

DAVID: He probably just needs someone to listen to him for five minutes.

 

MADDIE:  And that person is you?

 

DAVID:  It'll be good practice for the real thing. 

 

MADDIE:  Daylight is burning, bucko ... one hour. 

 

David opens the door. 

 

DAVID:  Let's go Stavros, before the blonde changes her mind and sends us to Siberia.

 

The kid comes out and he and David leave.  Maddie turns to Agnes.

 

MADDIE:  Agnes, please get Detective Donagan on the line. 

 

AGNES:  (protesting) But you said --- 

 

MADDIE:  I am just going to make an inquiry ... nothing wrong with making an inquiry. 

 

Agnes is not happy and neither are any of the other Addisonettes who have been watching the entire exchange. 

 

Maddie looks from one to another.

 

MADDIE:  It's just an inquiry. 

 

They aren't buying it.

 

MADDIE:  Do you want Mr. Addison to go to jail for kidnapping or obstruction of justice?

 

Still not buying it. 

 

MADDIE:  Well, I don't.  (turning to Agnes)  Detective Donagan.

 

AGNES:  Yes, Miss Hayes. 

 

Maddie closes the door behind her. 

 

THE ENTIRE STAFF:  Dial slow. 

 

~|~|~

 

INT - THE ELEVATOR

 

David, the kid and an older couple are in the elevator.  The kid is talking David's ear off, expanding his story into the science fiction fantasy realm with a really bad Russian accent and wild hand gestures.  David gives a weak smile to the couple and turns back to watch the floor numbers go down, wishing it were an express.  Not to be.  People get on and off but the kid keeps talking.  Every new person makes eye contact with David who looks increasingly more embarrassed.

 

~|~|~

 

INT - MADDIE'S OFFICE

 

MADDIE: (on the phone) Are you sure, Detective?  No one has reported a child, a boy around nine or ten missing? ... No, no, no reason ... Thank you for your time. 

 

Maddie hangs up and ponders for a moment.  She picks up the phone and intercoms Agnes.

 

MADDIE:  Will you please send Mr. Viola in?  Thank you. 

 

Bert scurries, almost as if he were waiting outside the door. 

 

MADDIE:  Mr. Viola, I want you to find David…Mr. Addison. He can't have gone far.  Find him and make sure he takes that boy to the police. 

 

BERT:  Yes, Ms Hayes.  Right away, Ms. Hayes.  You can count on me, Ms. Hayes.  And for the record, I agree with you.  If my progeny were lost for any reason, I would want the police involved.  If the fruit of my loins were out there in the world by himself, I would hope that a responsible adult would take him to the police.  If my little apple fell from the tree --

 

MADDIE:  Mr. Viola, please ... find David. 

 

BERT:  Right ... of course ... you can count on me ... immediately. 

 

MADDIE:  How about now, Mr. Viola?

 

Bert nods and slips out. 

 

~|~|~|~|~

 

ACT III - THE CASE SHIFTS

 

INT - PARKING GARAGE

 

David directs the kid toward the car.  Just before they get in, David grabs him by the scruff of the neck. 

 

DAVID:  Ok kid, I like a joke as much as the next guy ... I usually am the next guy ... but enough with the bad Russian accent.  Feel like I'm in a Bond movie.  And this story about your father is just weak.  Why don't you start with your real name and where you live?

 

KID:  (drops the accent) My name is Peter ... well, Petey. 

 

DAVID:  Great, Petey ... and where do you live? 

 

KID:  Houston. 

 

DAVID:  And where are your parents?

 

KID:  My mom is in Houston ... or she was yesterday when I left.  My dad ... well, that's the thing.  See, I have never met my dad.  He doesn't know about me. 

 

DAVID:  And you came out here by yourself to surprise him.

 

KID:  Something like that.

 

DAVID:  Let me give you a piece of advice, kid.  Men don't like that kind of surprise. 

 

KID:  Speaking from experience? 

 

DAVID:  How old are you?

 

KID:  Thirteen. 

 

DAVID:  Try again. 

 

KID:  Twelve.

 

DAVID:  Try ten ... how did you get out here from Chicago?

 

KID:  Houston ... I flew.  My mom is a travel agent - I booked the tickets when she was in the kitchen.

 

DAVID:  We better call her.  Think this is the kind of thing that your mom may want to break to him.

 

KID:  She won't. 

 

DAVID:  I got to make the call, kid.

 

KID:  Not until we find my dad ... I know where he is going to be in twenty minutes. 

 

DAVID:  I don't know kid. 

 

KID:  Come on.  It's a restaurant right up the street.  The Ivy. 

 

DAVID:  (eyes lighting up) so, your dad is rich?

 

KID:  I don't know ... I've never met him.

 

DAVID:  But you know who he is and where he'll be in twenty minutes -- what do you need me for?

 

KID:  I was hoping you would ... you know ... talk to him ... break it to him.

 

DAVID:  Great.

 

The kid gets in the car.  David is walking around to get in the driver's side when Bert calls over to him.

 

BERT:  Mr. Addison ... Mr. Addison, wait.

 

DAVID:  Bertie Boy, what's up?

 

BERT: (stealing a glance at the kid) Ms. Hayes wants you to take him directly to the police.  She talked to a detective there. 

 

DAVID:  Did his parents file a missing persons? 

 

BERT:  I don't know.  She didn't say.  Look Mr. Addison, speaking as an almost father, I have to agree with Ms. Hayes. 

 

DAVID:  I always agree with Ms. Hayes ... keeps me sleeping in the big bed. 

 

BERT:  So, you will take him to the police?

 

DAVID:  Weeeeeeellll ...

 

BERT:  You would go behind Ms. Hayes' back?

 

DAVID:  No, no, no, Bert.  Not behind her back, I just won't go around her front. 

 

Bert looks confused.

 

DAVID:  Just tell her you missed me ... or that you're still looking for me.  Besides I have a line on this kid's father, I'm taking him there right now.  So, we don't need the police.

 

Bert is unconvinced.

 

DAVID:  Trust me, Bert. 

 

~|~|~

 

INT – MADDIE’S OFFICE

 

Agnes knocks and enters with a large envelope in her hands. 

 

AGNES:  This just came for you Ms. Hayes.

 

Maddie lights up, thinking she knows what it is.

 

MADDIE:  Great!  I’ve been waiting for this.

 

She rips open the envelope greedily.

 

AGNES:  What is it? 

 

MADDIE:  Tickets. 

 

AGNES:  Tickets?

 

MADDIE:  And a backstage pass.

 

AGNES:  Backstage pass?

 

MADDIE:  It's a present for David. 

 

AGNES:  A present for Mr. Addison?

 

MADDIE:  Agnes!  You know how much he likes blues.

 

AGNES:  (confused) Yeah.

 

MADDIE:  These are tickets and a backstage pass to the first annual Santa Cruz Blues Festival. 

 

AGNES:  Oh?

 

MADDIE:  Albert Collins and Jimmy Rogers!  David will be in heaven.

 

AGNES:  It's not his birthday.

 

MADDIE:  No.

 

AGNES:  Is this an anniversary?

 

MADDIE:  No … at least I don’t think so.

 

AGNES:  I don’t understand.

 

MADDIE:  David has been … good recently.  He deserves a reward. 

 

AGNES:  Like giving a dog a bone?

 

MADDIE:  No, not like that.  Like I want to give him something … let him experience something … before … well, you know … before the baby comes.

 

AGNES:  And you are up to your armpits in dirty diapers and laundry. 

 

MADDIE:  (frowning) Something like that.   

 

~|~|~

 

INT - THE IVY RESTAURANT - LATER

 

David parks the car down the street.  They walk toward the restaurant and something occurs to David.  How will the kid know what his father looks like?  They stand outside the fence waiting to be recognized by the host.

 

DAVID:  So what's your father's name?

 

The kid continues to scan the patrons and doesn't respond to David.

 

HOST:  (unimpressed with David and kid) Do you have a reservation?

 

DAVID:  Addison, David Addison. 

 

HOST:  I don't see your name here, Mr. Addison. 

 

DAVID:  My secretary called just this morning.

 

The host knows David's kind.  He would make a huge stink.  It was early enough, he could put them at the crappy table by the kitchen. The one they saved for people they don't like.

 

HOST:  We’ve had some trouble with our reservationist.  Right this way, Mr. Addison.

 

David is shocked that he didn't have to put up more of a stink.  He is actually a little disappointed, he had some great material.  They are shown to a tiny table that is right on the edge of the high traffic zone.  The host is about to hand the menu to the kid, but David snatches it from his hand.

 

DAVID:  He'll have water and crackers and I'll have coffee. 

 

The kid looked at him, disappointed. 

 

DAVID:  You pay your fee and you can have filet mignon.  So where’s your dad?

 

The kid looked around again and pointed to a man at a table on the other side. 

 

DAVID:  Who?

 

KID:  (nodding) There.

 

DAVID:  Where?

 

KID:  (nodding again) Over there.

 

DAVID:  (craning his neck) Over where?

 

The path clears to the table directly across from them.  David sees who the kid is pointing at. 

 

DAVID:  There?

 

KID:  Yes.

 

DAVID:  That man there?

 

KID: Yes. 

 

David turns his back and leans into the kid.

 

DAVID:  You know who that is?

 

KID:  Yes. 

 

DAVID:  And he's your father?

 

KID:  Yes. 

 

DAVID:  That's Danny DeVito.

 

KID:  Yes, I know.

 

DAVID:  Danny DeVito is your father?  You could pick any guy in this restaurant and you picked Danny DeVito?

 

KID:  It wasn’t my choice. 

 

DAVID:  Danny DeVito is your father?

 

KID:  (pretending to get up) I’m going to talk to him. 

 

DAVID: No … No.

 

David grabs him and keeps him seated.  He steals a look back at Mr. DeVito.

 

DAVID:  (wincing) Are you sure?

 

KID:  Of course I’m sure.  My mother told me the story a hundred times about how she was an extra on Hoffa and it was love at first sight.

 

DAVID:  Love at first sight?

 

KID:  Until the movie was over.

 

David steals another look at Mr. DeVito and then back at the kid.  They look nothing alike.

 

DAVID:  You must take after your mother.

 

KID:  If you don’t go talk to him, I will.

 

DAVID:  I’ll do it … I’ll do it.

 

David stands up, tightens his tie and adjusts his jacket. 

 

KID:  I’ll wait here. 

 

DAVID:  Yeah, you do that. 

 

~|~|~

 

INT – MADDIE’S OFFICE

 

Agnes pops her head in. 

 

AGNES:  Ms. Hayes, there's someone here to see you. 

 

MADDIE:  Who is it?

 

AGNES:  Says his name is Ramon and he’s here about a kid. 

 

MADDIE:  Is Mr. Addison back yet?

 

AGNES:  No. 

 

MADDIE:  Is Mr. Viola back? 

 

AGNES:  He never left. 

 

MADDIE:  Excuse me?

 

AGNES:  He said to say that he missed Mr. Addison in the garage. 

 

MADDIE:  (frowning) Oh he said to say that, did he?  Show Ramon in and get Detective Donagan on the line.  And tell Mr. Viola to find Mr. Addison or there will be hell to pay. 

 

Agnes ducks out and quickly returns with Ramon.  He is a frantic man dressed in a room service waiter's uniform, with the Four Seasons logo on the pocket and a name tag.

 

RAMON:  Ms. Hayes, thank you for seeing me.  Have you seen him?  Do you know where Pierce is? 

 

MADDIE:  I don’t know a Pierce, can you describe him?

 

RAMON:  He’s ten going on twenty-two.  Dark hair, dark eyes … skinny - like the wind could blow him over.

 

Maddie recognizes the kid right away. 

 

RAMON:  He probably gave you some fantastic story about being a circus performer looking for his birth mother.  Or that his twin was taken by the mafia.  Or that he was in witness protection but has been discovered – or his father has. 

 

MADDIE:  Or that he was the son of a Russian computer programmer who has been kidnapped. 

 

RAMON:  (relaxing a little, she has seen him) That's a new one to me, but it sounds like him.  What was he calling himself this time? 

 

MADDIE:  Pasha.

 

RAMON:  (smiles) He's a very smart kid with a great imagination … if only he could channel it.  This is not the first time he has gotten a detective agency involved.  I blame that on TV (frowning) and his parents.

 

MADDIE:  He's not your son?

 

RAMON:  No, oh no … Lord, no … I’m his room service waiter.

 

MADDIE:  Excuse me?

 

RAMON:  His father stays at our hotel … the Four Seasons … when he’s in town on business.  He will often leave Pierce on his own and asks me to look out after him.

 

MADDIE:  That sounds very irresponsible. 

 

RAMON:  He's a very important man and the hotel likes to accommodate their very important guests. 

 

MADDIE:  The mother? 

 

RAMON:  She is either out shopping or at a spa.

 

MADDIE:  So neither one of them have been kidnapped by the KGB. 

 

RAMON:  Not that I have been told.

 

~|~|~

 

INT – THE IVY

 

David approaches Danny DeVito’s table tentatively.  He looks back at the kid who watches eagerly. 

 

DAVID:  Excuse me, Mr. DeVito? 

 

The host rushes up to stop David from bothering their very important guest.  He steps between David and Danny (can we call him Danny? how about DD or DDV?).

 

HOST:  Mr. Addison, will you come this way?

 

DDV:  (his expression changing from annoyance to interest) Addison?  David Addison?  The Blue Moon detective? 

 

DDV stands up, though it's hard to tell the difference.  He pushes the host aside. 

 

DDV:  It is you?  David Addison!  I'm a huge fan.

 

DAVID:  Fan?  Of mine? 

 

DDV:  Absolutely ... I have been following your exploits for years, ever since that radio guy ... McGavin, McGlouster, McSomething.

 

DAVID: McCain?  Paul McCain?

 

DDV:  Yeah, that's it.  Since he was killed on air ... well not killed, he faked his own death.

 

DAVID: You have been following my career? 

 

DDV:  You and Maddie Hayes ... It's gonna make a great project.  I've been working on it with my writing partner and we think we have a good solid season worked out.

 

DAVID:  Season? 

 

DDV:  Of course ... it's going to be a TV show.  Will run for years. I'll be playing your part and I'm looking at Jane Seymour or some unknown named Fran Drescher to play the part of Maddie Hayes.  We probably won't make her a model ... maybe a singer or dancer or a lottery winner.  No one would believe a model could make that change to detective.  And we would move it to New York - more grit.  It will be a comedy though.  And lots of sexual tension. 

 

DAVID:  Right ...   

 

DDV:  This is fate.  Kismet.  Providence.  We were torn between that project and another one about a group of quirky cops in Laughlin or Carson City - somewhere in Nevada.  And we have been kicking an idea around about brothers who own a bar in Pittsburgh or Trenton - but that one is still percolating, it will take a while before we are ready to pitch.  Of course this is all confidential; I know I can rely on your discretion.

 

DAVID:  Absolutely.

 

DDV:  Good man.  So you're here ... talking to me ... it's fate I tell you.  Sit down ... sit down. I've got a million questions for you.  What would you think about letting me shadow you? You know, get a feel for the real you.  I want to eat, sleep and breathe you.

 

DAVID:  You want to breathe me?

 

DDV:  I'm very method.  I want to get inside your skin - inside your head.  Like right now ... what are you working on? 

 

David looks back at the kid and feels like a jerk.  The kid is watching with great anticipation. 

 

DAVID:  WEEEEEELLLLLL ... I'm sort of working on this case that involves a kid who is looking to hook up with his biological father who doesn't know he exists. 

 

DDV:  WOW ... really?  That's wild.  So the poor dumb schmuck has no idea that you are going to show up and tell him he's a father.

 

DAVID:  Yeah, pretty much. 

 

DDV:  How old's the kid?

 

David again looks back at the kid.

 

DAVID: Around ten. 

 

DDV:  I'd go a little older ... fifteen, sixteen.  You can get more play out of a teenager - the dialogue writes itself.  Do you know who this guy is?  What's his situation?  Is he married?  Does he have other kids?  If I were writing this, I would have the guy in the middle of a midlife crisis.  Separated from his wife.  Estranged from his kids.  Struggling in his job and of course the kid comes in, takes over his life and by the end they are all just one big happy family. 

 

DAVID:  Well, I don't --

 

DDV:  Right, right it has been done before.  Done to death.  Maybe a different route.  The man offers to pay the kid off to have him keep his mouth shut.  Maybe the father is a politician or an actor - maybe even make the kid of mixed race so there is a bigger secret to hide.  Or make the mother gay ... yeah, yeah ... that's it.  The mother is a lesbian and the kid is looking for the man who donated the sperm. 

 

DAVID:  Mr. DeVito - .

 

DDV:  Danny, please.  Sorry, this is your case, not my story.   Damn, I wish my partner were here. (checks his watch) This is some really great shit and I won't remember it.  No matter. Tell me, how do you think this deadbeat will react? 

 

DAVID:  I'm not really sure. (beat) How would you react? 

 

DDV:  Me? Right.  Like that would happen.   Never catch me coming up short like that.  Not in this lifetime -- not even in an alternate reality.

 

David looks back over his shoulder to the kid; still watching with an amused look on his face. 

 

DAVID:  Women must throw themselves at you all the time. You're telling me you never let one follow you back to your trailer? 

 

DDV:  It's all an act, man.  Sure I have fun and I talk a good game -- but in the end, I know on which side my bread is buttered.  Rhea's more than I can handle.  If we're apart - it's because I need the rest.

 

David again looks back at the kid who is now very amused. 

 

DDV:  Wait a minute ... are you telling me that that kid is claiming to be my son? 

 

David shrugs.  DeVito breaks into uproarious laughter.  Everyone turns to look at him.  David gets more uncomfortable. 

 

DDV:  This is great!  This is rich.  Wait until I tell Rhea. 

 

DeVito looks over at the kid and waves him over.  The kid's amusement turns to panic.  He bolts from the table and heads for the door.  David bolts after him. 

 

DDV:  (shouting after him) I'll call you about that other thing. (laughing)  Long lost kid... that's rich.  (calling to anyone who will listen) Can I get a Limon cello over here?  Make it a double.

 

~|~|~

 

INT - MADDIE'S OFFICE

 

Bert knocks quickly and opens Maddie's door.

 

BERT:  Ms Hayes, may I speak with you?  Out here?

 

Maddie looks at Ramon trying not to betray her obvious concern. 

 

MADDIE:  Excuse me, would you? 

 

RAMON: Is anything wrong?  You said Pierce was with your partner. 

 

MADDIE: He is ... he is.  I'm sure that everything's fine.  David's probably just stuck in traffic.  Please don't worry. 

 

Maddie steps outside leaving Ramon with a very worried look. 

 

~|~|~

 

INT - BLUE MOON MAIN OFFICE - OUTSIDE MADDIE'S DOOR

 

Bert and Maddie assume the David/Maddie door position.

 

MADDIE:  Mr. Viola.

 

BERT:  Ms. Hayes. 

 

MADDIE:  Mr. Viola?

 

BERT:  Ms. Hayes? 

 

MADDIE:  You have something to tell me?

 

BERT:  Something to tell you?

 

MADDIE:  You wanted to speak with me?

 

BERT:  Speak with you?

 

MADDIE: (controlling shout) Where's David? 

 

BERT:  I don't know.

 

MADDIE:  You don't know?

 

BERT:  He said he had a line on the kid's father.

 

MADDIE:  What does that mean?

 

BERT: I think it means he was taking the kid home. 

 

MADDIE:  Not to the police?

 

BERT:  (shamed) No.

 

MADDIE:  Good.  For once he didn't do what I told him to do and that's what I wanted him to do.

 

BERT:  Huh?

 

MADDIE:  Never mind ... find him.  Call him if you have to.

 

BERT:  That whole mobile phone thing was a fluke for one episode.  This is 1993.  Mobile phones are changing from analog to digital - 2G technology - and will be called "cell" rather than "mobile."  This allows them to be smaller, quieter and faster and thus more popular. By the later part of the decade cell phones will be become more common.  I'd say around season eleven or twelve. 

 

MADDIE:  (confused then annoyed) Bert!  Mr. Viola.  I don't care how you do it.  Find David.  Find the kid.  Bring them back here.  IMMEDIATELY!!

 

BERT:  Yes, Ms Hayes. 

~|~|~

 

EXT - ROBERTSON NEAR THIRD STREET - LOS ANGELES, CA

 

David misses the light.  He can see Pasha or Petey or whatever his name is, standing on the other side, laughing at him.  David stands helpless as he watches the kid wave down a taxi and get in.  David makes note of the Cab Company and number of the cab. 

 

~|~|~|~|~

 

ACT IV - OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF BRATS

 

INT – BLUE MOON OFFICE - LATER

 

David enters. Bert jumps up, about to scream his name.  David shoots Bert a look to silence him.  David looks to Agnes and then to Maddie’s door.  He puts his finger up to his lips and darts over to his office silently instructing the crew to pretend he’s not there.  He slips into his office and closes the door quickly and quietly.

 

The crew exchanges glances and goes back to work - well, goes back to what they were doing.  Bert is still standing, watching David’s door.  Agnes clears her throat and gestures to David’s office.  Bert is just about to move when Maddie and Ramon enter from her office.

 

MADDIE:  There’s nothing to worry about, Ramon.  As soon as Mr. Addison checks in, we’ll bring Pierce back to the hotel. 

 

RAMON:  I appreciate your efforts, Ms Hayes, but if I don’t hear from you in an hour, I’m afraid I will have to call his parents and then the police.  And then I will need to find a new job. 

 

MADDIE:  Let’s hope that won’t be necessary. 

 

RAMON:  Thanks again, Ms Hayes.  I’ll be waiting for your call. 

 

Ramon leaves.  Maddie turns back to Bert.  Bert looks like a deer in headlights.

 

MADDIE:  Any luck finding David?

 

BERT:  N-n-n-no, ma’am. 

 

MADDIE:  Turn over every rock, Mr. Viola.  I want him found now. 

 

BERT:  Yes, ma’am.

 

Maddie storms into her office and slams the door.   Bert marches into David’s office. 

 

~|~|~

 

INT – DAVID’S OFFICE

 

David is on the phone. 

 

DAVID:  GRAUMAN’S CHINESE!!!  Your cabbie dropped a ten year old kid off at on Hollywood Boulevard?  All by himself? With the hookers and drug dealers? … I don’t care how much he paid you.  … I’m going to have your medallion for this. … Who is this?  … You want to know who I am? … This is Jeff Walker and I work in Governor Wilson’s office as the Secretary of Child Protective Services, that’s who.  Stay where you are, there’ll be an officer to pick you up in five minutes.

 

David slams the phone down. 

 

BERT:  Mr. Addison, there is no such thing as a Secretary of Child Protective Services.

 

DAVID:  An obvious oversight.  Come on, Bert.  Just the man I need.  Follow me. 

 

David moves to the door and Bert turns around. 

 

BERT:  Mr. Addison, we really need to talk.   Ms Hayes –

 

DAVID:  Yes, I know.  Ms. Hayes wants me to take the kid to the police.  But I can’t take the kid to the police ‘cause I don’t have the kid.  Of course if I had listened to Maddie and taken the kid to the police, I might still have him.  The thing is Bert, this is no normal kid.  Do you want to know what he did to me?  I thought I was a practical joker – this kid has it all over me.  Do you want to know?  Well I don’t have time to tell you.  I need to find him before … just before.  Follow me.

 

BERT:  But Ms Hayes –

 

DAVID:  I know. I know.  Ms. Hayes.  Ms. Hayes.  Ms. Hayes.  I’ll deal with the blonde bomber when I get back.  She doesn’t need to know that I didn’t take the kid to the police, and that he played me like a fiddle and I lost him.

 

Maddie walks into David’s office but David doesn’t notice.

 

BERT:  Ms. Hayes.

 

DAVID:  Bert, would you stop with that.  You may not know this but I have Maddie wrapped around my little finger.  Yeah, she’ll be mad for a minute, but she can’t kill me.  I’m the father of her baby.  All I need to do is blow in her ear and she melts like butter.  I don’t even need to apologize anymore. 

 

Bert’s eyes get bigger and bigger.  David finally notices but doesn’t take his eyes off Bert.

 

DAVID:  She’s right behind me, isn’t she?

 

Bert nods. 

 

DAVID:  Boy, that is such a cheap sitcom bit.  I’m surprised we used it here.  It’s a better sight gag - there is no visual.

 

MADDIE:  Let’s assume the readers have a good imagination. 

 

David turns with a big smile on his face. 

 

DAVID:  Maddie.  I knew you were there.  You know I knew you were there.  I was just pulling your leg, lamp chop.  Pumpkin?  Light of my life?

 

MADDIE:  Gonna be lights out for you, bucko. 

 

DAVID:  Bucko?  That's twice today you called me Bucko ---

 

MADDIE:  Where’s Pierce?

 

DAVID: Who’s Pierce?

 

MADDIE:  Pierce Petersen, son of Pete Peterson of Peterson Productions -

 

DAVID:  You going to tell me that he picked a peck of pickled peppers?

 

Maddie:  I'm going to tell you that Mr. Peterson is one of the top ten wealthiest men in the United States. The father of the kid that came to us this morning with a cock and bull story about being Russian and the KGB kidnapping his father. The kid you were supposed to take to the police. The kid that you were going to take home, which I know you didn't do.  The kid that should still be with you -- who isn't. So, David ... where is Pierce? 

 

DAVID:  Oh. Well … um. You see … it’s a funny story … kinda … you’ll laugh … sorta …  

 

MADDIE:  David?  Where.  Is. He? 

 

DAVID:  Hollywood. 

 

MADDIE:  Hollywood?

 

DAVID:  Hollywood Boulevard to be more precise.  At least he was thirty minutes ago. 

 

MADDIE: What are you talking about?

 

DAVID:  Can we recap in the car and off monitor so these nice people don’t have to read it all again?

 

MADDIE:  You’re going to read it all again – and you are going to read far worse if we can’t find this kid.

 

DAVID:  I know.  Believe me I know.  Come on Bert.  She won’t kill me if you’re there – she knows better than to leave witnesses.

 

MADDIE:  What makes you think I won't kill both of you?    

 

~|~|~

 

EXT – HOLLYWOOD BOULEVARD & ORANGE AVE – HOLLYWOOD, CA

 

David, Maddie and Bert step out into the bright sun of Hollywood Boulevard from Grauman’s Chinese Theater.

 

MADDIE:  It was too much to hope that he was in there. 

 

DAVID:  I told you, he is not a normal kid ... I think there's something really wrong with him.

 

MADDIE:  Why, because you couldn't win him over with your Addison ways?

 

DAVID:  I'm normally good with kids ... they like me.

 

MADDIE:  They recognize their own kind.

 

DAVID: Speaking of.

 

David nods over to the sidewalk.  It's bustling with tourists and other miscreants.  There are locals dressed up like Elvis, Marilyn Monroe, Batman etc hawking to have their picture taken with the tourists, charging them a dollar or whatever they will pay.  Bert is standing with a guy dressed as the Blue Genie from Aladdin, having his picture taken.  David drags him away. 

 

DAVID:  Ok … here’s the plan.  Bert, take the south side, Maddie and I will take the north.  Check every building … every store … everything.  We’ll meet you down at Vine. 

 

BERT:  Right. 

 

Bert jaywalks, nearly getting run over by a double-decker tour bus.

 

MADDIE:  If he gets killed, Agnes will never forgive us.

 

DAVID:  He's a big boy, Maddie.

 

MADDIE:  Pierce is not.

 

DAVID:  I know. 

 

David takes her hand and starts down the north side of the street. 

 

DAVID:  This is not really my fault, Maddie.  The kid played me and then ran away. 

 

MADDIE:  I know. 

 

DAVID:  And from what you told me he has done this before.

 

MADDIE:  I know. 

 

DAVID:  So I am not the first sucker who tried to help the kid only to be duped.

 

MADDIE:  I know.

 

DAVID:  I hate to be duped. 

 

MADDIE:  I know. 

 

David:  (frustrated) If you know so damn much, where's this kid? 

 

David is immediate sorry he snapped. 

 

DAVID:  I'm sorry.  Just worried that this kid is going to get himself into real trouble. 

 

MADDIE:  I -- I understand. 

 

DAVID:  Dangerous up here, Maddie?

 

MADDIE:  He's a kid.  He's fearless.  One of the things I admire about you.

 

David stops and turns to her, shocked by what she said. 

 

DAVID:  Why aren't you screaming at me?  Why aren't you threatening me with bodily harm?  Why aren't you telling me that you want to rethink having a baby with a man who can't keep track of a kid?

 

MADDIE:  'Cause you are screaming, threatening and rethinking enough for the both of us.

 

DAVID: I'm not rethinking -- I'm ... I'm ... I'm grateful that I'll have ten years before I'll have to deal with a ten year old again. 

 

MADDIE:  And you would teach him --

 

DAVID:  About lying -- when's the right time, when's the wrong time and how far you can push it.

 

Maddie frowned.

 

DAVID:   That a joke is a joke, but sometimes stuff happens that you have to live with for the rest of your life.  Like dropping out of school.  Like not flossing.  Like --

 

MADDIE:  Like getting a tattoo.

 

DAVID:  Yeah, like getting a tattoo.  That's a great example of doing something stupid that you have to live with the rest of your life. 

 

MADDIE:  David!

 

DAVID:  Maddie!

 

Maddie points over David's shoulder to one of the nine tattoo parlors on Hollywood Boulevard.  On the second stool back is Pierce, with his shirt off, and a big burly guy covered in ink leaning over him. 

 

DAVID:  What the ---

 

INT - ONE OF NINE TATTOO SHOPS ON HOLLYWOOD BOULEVARD BETWEEN ORANGE AND IVAR

 

David runs in and grabs the guy by the shoulder and spins him around.

 

DAVID:  Hey!  What's wrong with you?  He's a kid. 

 

The artist stands up.  He's at least a foot taller than David and twice his weight.  David backpedals fast, commenting on the drawing on Pierce's chest.

 

DAVID:  Hey, that's really nice ... did you do that freehand?  You've got a great eye.

 

Maddie stepped in.

 

MADDIE:  Back off, Jack. Is any of that permanent? 

 

TATTOO ARTIST:  Not yet.

 

MADDIE:  Lucky for you.  (tosses Pierce a towel) What are you thinking?  Tattooing a kid ... he's ten years old. 

 

TATTOO ARTIST:  A ten year old with money.  (Scanning her lustily) Are you his mother? 

 

MADDIE:  (offended) No, I'm not his mother.

 

TATTOO ARTIST:  We have a great family discount.  (licking his lips) Would love to give you a little somethin' somethin' ... a rose on your bikini line, a orchid on your left breast, maybe a butterfly on your right che --

 

MADDIE:  Not on your life.

 

OTHER CLIENT: Don't you know who that is?  That's Maddie Hayes ... she used to be the Blue Moon girl.

 

TATTOO ARTIST:  Maddie Hayes? THE Maddie Hayes ... well then, how about a blue moon, some clouds and stars on your lower back. 

 

MADDIE:  Because I will not be stamped like some tramp.

 

TATTOO ARTIST:  It's art, lady.  Body art and I am an artiste.

 

MADDIE:  Art? Ha. 

 

DAVID:  Don't be too hasty, Maddie. (He puts his hand on her lower back.) I hear they are going to be all the rage soon and he really does some great work.

 

MADDIE:  David!

 

DAVID:  Just something small, something tasteful.  A heart with my name in it. Something only I would appreciate.

 

MADDIE:  I'll give you something only you can appreciate.

 

DAVID: That would be a no?

 

Maddie:  Yes.

 

DAVID:  Yes yes?  Or yes no? 

 

MADDIE:  Yes no. 

 

David and the Tattoo Artist share a shrug. 

 

MADDIE:  (Turning to Pierce ) What do you think you're doing?

 

KID:  I'm a Peterson.  I'm getting the family logo on my chest.

 

MADDIE:  Not today you aren't.  With me. 

 

She turns to walk out.  Neither David nor the kid moves.  Big hulking artist guy was in the way.  Maddie goes toe to toe with him. 

 

MADDIE:  You can keep the money.

 

KID:  HEY!

 

DAVID:  Call it a life lesson.  This time it was only money.

 

The artist steps back.  Maddie walks out, this time David and the kid follow.

 

TATTOO ARTIST:  (calling after her) Think about this, Maddie Hayes ... Be the first on your block.  You could start the next trend.

 

EXT - HOLLYWOOD BOULEVARD

 

David and Maddie walk with the kid between them.  He tries to duck away from them but David is too fast and grabs him by the collar.

 

KID:  There is nothing preventing me from screaming kidnap right now.

 

DAVID:  Go ahead, kid.  Scream your lungs out.  Would love to get you off my hands.  The cops don't like you either.

 

The kid looks hurt.  David is sorry.

 

DAVID:  Look, I think you're a really smart kid.  God knows you got a sense of humor and that goes a long way in life.  But you make it really hard to like you.  Harder still to help you. 

 

KID:  You don't want to help me. 

 

DAVID:  That's all I've been doing today, kid.

 

KID:  I don't need your help.

 

DAVID:  You need help, all right. 

 

KID:  I suppose you called my parents. 

 

MADDIE:  We didn't ... but Ramon may have by now.

 

KID:  Ramon?  What does he care?

 

MADDIE:  He's very worried about you.

 

KID:  He's just a room service guy that my father pays to feed me. 

 

DAVID:  He came looking for you - while we were out harassing Danny DeVito. 

 

KID:  Probably worried about losing his job.

 

MADDIE:  He seemed genuinely concerned. 

 

KID:  Where are you taking me?

 

DAVID:  Back to the hotel. 

 

BERT:  Ms Hayes! Mr. Addison!  You found the kid!

 

Maddie, David and the kid turn to see Bert running across the street carrying shopping bags from The Disney Store and several other souvenir shops.

 

DAVID:  Great detective work, Mr. Viola.

 

INT - FOUR SEASONS LOBBY - LATER

 

David, Maddie and Pierce walk in and are met by Ramon. 

 

RAMON:  Thank you so much.  I'll pay whatever you ask. 

 

KID:  You don't owe them anything. 

 

RAMON:  You need to learn some respect.

 

KID: Who's going to teach me, you?

 

RAMON:  If you were my son --

 

KID:  I'm not your son.

 

There is a sudden commotion at the door as a woman traipses in with five bellhops carrying bags and boxes.  Clearly the woman has been shopping.  She stops when she sees David, Maddie, the kid and Ramon.  She slides her sunglasses down her nose.

 

MRS. PETERSON:  Pierce, dear boy. Did you have a nice day?  Don't bother Mother, sweetie.  She has a migraine and needs it perfectly dark and perfectly quiet.  There's a good boy. 

 

She sidles on without giving Pierce an opportunity to say anything.  She's completely unconcerned with who Maddie and David are. 

 

MRS. PETERSON:  Ramon, please send up my usual. 

 

RAMON:  Yes, ma'am.

 

MADDIE:  That was your mother?

 

The kid doesn't respond. 

 

A man followed by three assistants comes striding through the lobby from one of the conference rooms.  The assistants are struggling to keep up.  He is barking orders and making demands.  Each assistant peels off when they have been given their assignment.

 

MR. PETERSON:  Ramon, there you are. I have been calling you.  I need another room set up for a meeting tonight.  There will be six of us and we will be ordering dinner.  Appetizers to start and an open bar.  Can you arrange that?

 

RAMON:  Yes sir.

 

Mr. Peterson doesn't notice the kid (his son), David or Maddie. 

 

MR. PETERSON:  Good man. Good man. 

 

He keeps walking.  David can't hold himself back.

 

DAVID:  Mr. Peterson, may I have a moment. 

 

Peterson turns and sizes David up.  He notices Maddie and the kid too.  He regards them all as a great annoyance.

 

MR. PETERSON:  And you are?

 

DAVID:  Addison, David Addison from the Blue Moon Detective Agency. 

 

MR. PETERSON:  You're a detective? (to his son) What have you done now?

 

David notices the kid clench his jaw.  There is no fear or concern that David will out him for his antics that day.  All David sees is pure hatred for the man that is his father.  David pulls Mr. Peterson further away out of ear shot. 

 

MR. PETERSON:  Just send the bill to my office - double your regular fee. 

 

DAVID:  Is that all your son is to you?  A line item expense?  Don't you care that he could have been hurt, killed or maimed for life today? 

 

MR. PETERSON:  My son is a smart kid ... he can take care of himself.

 

DAVID:  He's ten years old ... he shouldn't have to take care of himself. 

 

MR. PETERSON:  I'll thank you not to tell me how to raise my son.

 

DAVID: You aren't raising your son.  Handing him money is bribery, not parenting.  He needs your time.  He needs your attention.  He needs to know that you give a rat's patooty about him.

 

MR. PETERSON:  He's my son - of course I care. 

 

DAVID:  You couldn't tell that by me and I think he would say the same.  He's a good kid, Mr. Peterson.  An overactive imagination and a bit of a brat, but basically a good kid.

 

MR. PETERSON:  And I am a busy man, Mr. Addison. 

 

DAVID:  Too busy for your son. 

 

Mr. Peterson was taken aback. 

 

MR. PETERSON:  Send me a bill, Mr. Addison.  (looking over David's shoulder)  Pierce ... come with me.

 

Pierce doesn't move. 

 

MR. PETERSON:  Now son. 

 

KID: (walking by David) Thanks for nothing, creep. 

 

David stuffs his card into the kid's pocket.  Maddie steps up to David.

 

DAVID:  Kids, can't live with 'em. Can't leave 'em on the side of the road when you are done with them.

 

MADDIE:  Having second thoughts?

 

David snaps his attention back to her. 

 

DAVID:  I have plenty of thoughts ... but none of them are second when it comes to you.  (kisses her)

 

MADDIE:  Oh David ... you can be so sweet when you are shoveling crap. 

 

David starts to open his mouth in his defense.

 

MADDIE:  Don't say anything.  You'll just make it worse. 

 

DAVID:  Why don't we check in for the night?  We can put it on Peterson's bill.

 

MADDIE:  Who'll let the dog out? 

 

DAVID:  Damn dog.

 

MADDIE:  Got to get used to it, David.  A child is going to take more than a walk, you know.

 

DAVID:  Not according to Mr. Peterson. 

 

MADDIE:  Well, he won't be winning Parent of the Year anytime soon.

 

David wraps his arm around her and pulls her close. 

 

DAVID:  Let's go home.  I want to discuss this tattoo idea again. 

 

MADDIE:  Not a snowball’s chance in hell.

 

DAVID:  They said that about us. 

 

~|~|~|~|~

 

ACT V - EPILOGUE

 

David comes in from walking Miss Me singing an Albert Collins ditty: 

 

Let your hair down baby, let's have a natural ball
Let your hair down baby, let's have a natural ball
If you don't let your hair down, woman, we can have no fun at all

 

Maddie is on the phone and clearly very upset.  David continues to sing.

 

Oh, you can't take it wit' you, that's one thing for sure
Oh, you can't take it wit' you, that's one thing for sure
There ain't nothin' in the world, that a T-Bone shuffle won't cure

 

Maddie makes some unintelligible comment and slams the phone down. 

 

Come here baby, sit down on your daddy's knee
Come here baby, sit down on your daddy's knee
I've got somethin' pretty baby, somethin' is ailin' meha

 

David flops down on the couch and pats his knee. 

 

DAVID:  Come here baby, sit down on your daddy's knee.

 

MADDIE:  David!

 

DAVID:  I've got somethin' pretty baby --

 

MADDIE:  What is it that you are singing? 

 

DAVID:  Come on, Maddie -- that's the T-Bone shuffle as made famous by Albert Collins. 

 

MADDIE:  We're going to have to baby proof your X-rated record collection until the kid is thirty-five.

 

DAVID:  As long as we can get to it. 

 

Maddie sits down next to David and he kisses her. 

 

DAVID:  Tell me baby, what's ailin' you?

 

MADDIE:  I was trying to do something nice.  I was making an effort.  I made the calls.  I did what I was supposed to do.  I did everything right. 

 

DAVID:  You usually do.

 

MADDIE:  Not usually.  Not even most of the time.  I would say that I rarely make this kind of effort ... not that I shouldn't make the effort.  I should just do it more often.  But if this is the result, what's the point?

 

DAVID:  Care to share?

 

Maddie reaches behind him and pulls the manila envelope that she got earlier that day.  She hands it to David.

 

DAVID:  What's this? 

 

MADDIE:  Surprise!

 

DAVID: (excited) A surprise? For me? 

 

MADDIE:  Just remember, David, it's the thought that counts. 

 

David opens the envelope and pulls out the tickets and the flyer for the First Annual Santa Cruz Blues Festival. 

 

DAVID:  (Very excited) Maddie, this is great.  I mean great great.  How did you know that I wanted to go to this?  Albert Collins and Jimmy Rogers!  They are going to tear it up!

 

MADDIE:  Did.

 

DAVID:  Did?

 

MADDIE:  Did

 

DAVID:  Did what?

 

MADDIE:  Did tear it up.  The festival was last weekend. 

 

DAVID:  Last weekend?

 

MADDIE:  Last weekend. 

 

DAVID:  So it's all over.

 

MADDIE:  Yes.  I'm sorry.

 

DAVID:  Why are you sorry?

 

MADDIE:  I really wanted to give you something nice.  You deserve it. 

 

DAVID:  I do?

 

MADDIE:  You do.

 

DAVID:  Of course I do.  Why do you think I do?

 

MADDIE:  Because you're being very attentive, very sweet, extremely concerned with my diet.

 

DAVID:  True, very true and extremely true.  But why do you think I deserve something nice?

 

Maddie:  Because I was thinking that we should announce the baby next week.

 

DAVID:  HALLELUIA!

 

MADDIE:  And invite all the family out here to Los Angeles.

 

DAVID:  HALLELU-NO!

 

MADDIE:  David.

 

DAVID:  Maddie let's talk about this - later ... a lot later.

 

MADDIE:  I'm hungry.

 

DAVID:  Me too.

 

MADDIE:  Let's go out.

 

DAVID:  Ok by me.

 

Neither move. 

 

DAVID:  That kid wasn't so bad.

 

MADDIE:  You tried.

 

DAVID:  I did. 

 

MADDIE:  Are you worried that our child will turn out like that?

 

DAVID:  We could do worse.

 

MADDIE:  I sure as hell hope we don't do worse. 

 

DAVID:  We'll do fine.

 

MADDIE:  Do you think he'll call you?

 

DAVID:  Who, the kid?  Nah, pretty sure he won't.  But I say we charge enough so that the parents take notice.

 

MADDIE:  If those were my parents, I think I would rather be ignored.

 

DAVID:  Let's eat.

 

They get up and head for the door. 

 

DAVID:  Now, about this tattoo.  What about a bunny ... a little bunny right there on your tummy. 

 

MADDIE:  No, David!

 

DAVID:  (singing)  Little Bunny Foo Foo, Hopping thru the forest, Scooping up the field mice and boppin' 'em on the head.

 

MADDIE:  That's another song you won't be singing to our baby.

 

DAVID:  (whining) Maddie.

 

MADDIE:  (sternly playful) If you don't quit whining, you'll go to bed without supper.

 

DAVID:  (grinning) I can get behind that.