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Season 9 – Episode 7


Expect the Unexpected



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CUE MUSIC:  (to the tune of Sixteen Tons)


Some people say a Mom is made out of love

And babies are sent from the heavens above.

I’m tired and beat and I’ve had enough

I’m really quite done with this pregnancy stuff.


I weigh sixteen tons and what do I get?

A big round belly, but no regret.

The clients are calling, everybody wants more,

And I owe my soul to the company store.


When you see me comin’, better step aside

Cause I’m sixteen tons and six feet wide

I’m hauling a cargo that’s precious and strong

And she’s punchin’ and kickin’ the whole day long.


I weigh sixteen tons and what do I get?

A big round belly, but no regret.

The clients are calling, everybody wants more,

And I owe my soul to the company store.


If all is ready and she says it’s time

I’ll let the phones ring, it’ll be no crime

I’ll push sixteen tons and hope it won’t hurt

And our newborn girl will look just like Bert.


I weigh sixteen tons and what do I get?

A big round belly, but no regret.

The clients are calling, everybody wants more,

And I owe my soul to the company store.



A large shadow crosses the window in the hall.  A key hits the lock.  Close on the bottom of the door opening slowly.  Pink sneaker-clad feet trudge through the doorway.  The lights click on; a huge sigh is heard.  We pan up to a very swollen abdomen and up further to reveal Agnes (as if we didn’t know).  Her face is puffy and red.  Her eyes are tired and strained.  She shifts her oversized purse from one shoulder to the other and trudges around the desk.  The phone starts to ring.  Agnes sighs and keeps her slow plod around the desk.  The phone rings again.  Agnes is still moving slowly.  On the third ring, the answering machine picks up. 


Voice-Over (Agnes):  Blue Moon Investigations, we are not here to take your call, --


Agnes reaches for the phone cutting off the message.


Agnes: (rhyming)  Blue Moon

Something something something June

Blah blah blah knife

Yadda yadda yadda wife

We’re here to help you change your tune.


Agnes:   Hello?  Hello?  (grumbles)  Sorry, not feeling very poetic today.  Is anyone there? 


She shakes her head and hangs up.  She hoists herself up onto the stool and struggles to get comfortable.  She is not having any luck. 


The staff arrives in one loud group – all talking at once, with no one listening or noticing Agnes.  They assume their positions.


Bert bursts through the door breathless, with an orange juice in one hand and a suitcase in the other.  He has clearly just run up twenty flights of stairs.


The staff all starts talking at once.


O’Neill:  Agnes, there’s no coffee.


Jamie:  Agnes, did those note pads I ordered come in?


Jergenson:  Agnes, my stapler isn’t working.


Kris:  Agnes, I want to change my usual Danish order from lemon to prune.


Magillicuddy:  Agnes –


Bert:  (shouting) Everyone back off! 


They all stop and stare at him in annoyed disbelief. 


Bert:  Agnes shouldn’t even be here.  You’re lucky to have her.  So just back off.  She’s going to have our baby at any moment.  Then she won’t be here for six weeks.


Agnes:  Bert, we agreed --


Magillicuddy:  Beg to differ with you there, Bertie boy, but no one picked today in the pool, so she can’t drop your load.


Bert scowls at Magillicuddy and is about rail into him when Agnes whimpers.  Bert snaps his attention back to her. 


Bert:  What?  What is it?  Is it time?  The car is running in the garage!  Should I call the doctor!  (He grabs the suitcase) Get an ambulance?  Did your water break?


The staff looks over expectantly.


Agnes:  Bert, Bert, Bert.  I’m fine.  I just dropped my pen. 


Bert looks down at the floor and spies her pen under her chair.


Bert:  Stay there.  I’ll get it.


Bert drops down to the floor and start crawling around under her chair.  The chair moves around as if it were possessed, as Bert struggles to get the pen.  Lots of grunts and groans can be heard from under the desk.


Maddie and David walk in.  David looks over the counter when he sees Agnes moving strangely.  Bert kneels back up with the found pen held aloft like a prize. 


Bert:  Here you go, baby.


Bert spies David and his face blushes. 


David:  Think you’ve done enough damage under there, Bert old man.


Maddie: (scolding) David!


David: (grins and mocks) Maddie!


Maddie turns to Agnes.


Maddie:  Agnes, why are you here?  You should be home.  Resting…waiting. 


Agnes:  I’m fine, Ms Hayes.


Maddie:  I’m serious, Agnes.


Agnes:  I’d rather be here.


Bert:  I can’t talk any sense into her, Ms. Hayes.  But I’m ready.  I’ve got the car running in the garage.  The doula is on speed dial and Agnes’ suitcase is right here.


Bert holds up the bag. 


David: (voice of reason?) Kids, Kids … Agnes knows best.  (looking around at the crew)  Back to work.


They all grumble. 


David:  (Turning to Bert)  And you better turn off your car, you don’t want to run out of gas waiting.


Bert puffs up proudly.


Bert:  Thought of that Mr. Addison.  I have an extra can of gasoline in the trunk.


David:  Might as well drive her around in a Pinto, Bert.


Bert:  Pinto? (Confused)


David mimes a collision and explosion.


Bert: Oh God! That's bad.  Oh that’s bad.  I didn’t think of that.  I’ll be right back.


Bert flies out of the office and then back in.


Bert:  You OK, honey?  Are you going to be OK?  Can I get you anything?  Do you think it will be OK if I leave for a minute – half a minute?  No more than twenty seconds?


Agnes:  You know what I would really like, Bert?  I want a bagel with lox, red onion and cream cheese from Nate’s. 


Bert:  Nate’s?  That is all the way across town. 


Agnes:  Has to be Nate’s. 


Bert:  Ok.  Ok.  I’ll be right back.  You won’t even know I’m gone.


The whole staff:  We’ll know. 


Bert frowns and slips back out. 


Agnes: (looking back at Maddie)  Sometimes, ya know?


Maddie: (smiles) I know.


David:  What?  What do you know? 


Maddie rolls her eyes and heads to her office.


David:  (following) Is this a female thing?  Come on, let me in on the secret.  I won’t tell anyone.


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Maddie drops her briefcase on the desk and sits down.  She starts flipping through folders on her desk.  David flops on the couch. 


David:  So Baby Girl Viola will make her grand entrance any day now. 


Maddie:  Looks that way.


David:  Bert seems pretty excited. 


Maddie:  Bert seems like he is about to explode. 


David:  It’s his first kid.  Give ‘em a break.


Maddie:  I’ll tell you right now if you hover like that over me, I’ll deck you. 


David:  Noted. 


David watches her for a long moment. 


David:  So the doc knows, huh?


Maddie: (not looking up) Knows what?


David:  What flavor we’re having.


Maddie:  Flavor?


David:  You know  boy … girl … rabbit … other.


Maddie:  If he turns out to be 'other', he gets it from his father.


David:  Did she tell you?


Maddie:  Did who tell me what?


David:  Dr. Weed.  Boy.  Girl.  Other.


Maddie:  I think the test they took ruled out the ‘other’ option.


David:  Maddie!


Maddie: David!  (leans back and looks at him)  I thought you said you didn’t want to know.  That as long as it was healthy, you didn’t care. 


David: (sitting up) I don’t care.  I mean I care … of course I care. I’m full of care – I’m Care Full.  I’m just not invested. 


Maddie:  (going back to work) Didn’t get in on the office pool in time?


David:  Betting hasn't opened yet, but I did put a c-note down on the date for Bert and Agnes'. 


Maddie: That’s a hundred bucks we’ll never see again.


They are quiet for a moment.


David: So don’t you want to know?


Maddie:  What?  (She looks over at him wondering if she can keep playing dumb)  Oh right.  The sex of our baby.


David:  So?


Maddie:  So what? 


David:  So what aren't you curious?


Maddie: Curious?


David:  Yeah, curious?


Maddie:  Yeah, I guess I'm curious. 


David:  So?


Maddie:  Why do you want to know so badly?


David: Who me? 


Maddie:  Who you.


David:  I don't NEED to know.  (beat) Buuuuuuuuuuut ... If we knew, it would be easier to start picking a name. 


Maddie:  A name?


David:  Yeah, a name.  A name is very important.  Needs to be a good name.  Strong name.  Gonna be this kid’s handle for the rest of its life.  Don't want the kid to get beaten up on the playground.  


Maddie:  A name?


David:  Yeah, can't be something like Madison Hayes Addison or Fred.


Maddie:  Fred?   (shakes her head) I think we can rule both of those out without knowing the sex of the baby.


David:  So why don't you want to know?


Maddie:  (coyly) I want to be surprised.


David:  Surprised?


Maddie: Yes.  I want to savor this ... all of it.    


David:  Savor, huh? 


Maddie:  What if we are told it is a boy but it turns out to be a girl?  I don't want you to be disappointed.


David:  I won’t be disappointed.  I love girls.  Girls are great. 


Maddie:  Yeah?


David:  Absolutely.  I'd be a great dad to a Mini-Maddie.  We can do all that father daughter stuff. 


Maddie:  You’d spoil her rotten.


David:  I would.  She’d be daddy’s little girl.


Maddie: Until she started dating.


David:  She’ll be thirty-five, I’ll be dead. 


Maddie:  Good luck with that.


David:  Why do you think I want a boy … so I can play catch in the back yard?  And teach him how to spit, whistle and pick up women?


Maddie:  (rolls her eyes) All men want sons. 


David:  Not this man. 


Maddie:  So we are agreed. 


David:  Agreed?  Did we agree?


Maddie:  Let's talk about this later.


David:  We are getting good at deciding not to decide ... people are going to think that we’re ambivalent about this whole thing.


Maddie:  (makes face) Ambivalent?


David:  Yeah.  What?


Maddie:  Just didn't know you knew what that meant.


David:  Oh nice ... a stupid joke ... we haven't had one of those in years.


Maddie gets up and crosses to where David is sitting.  She sits down next to him. 


Maddie:  You're not stupid - I never thought you were. 


Maddie kisses him. 


David:  (feigned hurt) You can't just kiss me and make it all better.


Maddie kisses him again - deeper, longer, with a hand on his thigh. 


David:  Ok ... so maybe you can. 


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Agnes is still having trouble getting comfortable.  The mailman walks in. 


Joe the Mailman:  Hiya, Agnes.  Still baking that baby, I see.


Agnes:  Any day now. 


Joe the Mailman:  Well, I've never seen you look more beautiful than you do today.


Agnes:  You said that yesterday. 


Joe the Mailman:  It was true then. 


Agnes:  How many kids do you have, Joe?


Joe the Mailman:  The wife is working on our eighth. 


Agnes:  Eight?  Wow.  How does Mrs. Joe do it?


Joe the Mailman:  My lovely bride is an amazing woman.  (sing-song) I love her more today than yesterday, but not as much as tomorrow.


Agnes smiles brightly at Joe as he leaves singing Spiral Starecase.  Agnes’ smile fades quickly as she looks down at the stack of mail he has left.  She turns over her shoulder and looks at Maddie’s door and then back at the mail.  It is a long walk to Maddie’s office.  She eases herself off her stool, steadies herself on the desk, picks up the mail.  With a deep breath she forces herself to plod toward Maddie’s office. 


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Agnes knocks and enters without waiting to be answered.  She looks like she just finished a marathon.  Maddie and David split up quickly as if they have been caught necking on the couch by their parents.  Maddie notices Agnes' distress immediately and gets up.


Maddie:  David, help her.


David jumps up and takes her arm and directs her to the guest chair.


Maddie:  Agnes, you really need to be at home.


Agnes:  I’m fine Ms Hayes. 


Maddie:  You’re going home. 


David:  Where’s Bert?


Agnes:  Oh please Mr. Addison.  Please don’t send me home with Bert.


David:  Should’ve thought of that before you married him. 


Agnes:  He’s driving me crazy.  I don’t think I can take it anymore.  He doesn’t leave me alone for a second.  I had to send him out for Tito’s Tacos last night at midnight just to get a break. 


David:  Tito’s?  In Culver City?  Those are some damn good tacos.


Agnes:  I know.


Maddie:  It’s not the best neighborhood at midnight, Agnes.


David:  They aren’t open at midnight.


Maddie:  (scolding) Agnes!


Agnes:  See what I mean?  I need a break. That’s why I come to work. 


Maddie:  But you need your rest, Agnes. 


Agnes:  I can rest here.


Maddie:  Probably not what you want to tell your boss.


David:  What?  I get my best sleep here.


Agnes:  Please Ms Hayes.  Can’t you send Bert out on assignment?  Surveillance.  Not all night ... maybe just some research that keeps him out of the office for the day.  I mean, I love the guy.  He’s my Bertie-Wertie, but enough is enough. 


Bert busts into the office, panting and holding a bag from Nate’s.  The suitcase is still in the other hand. 


Bert:  There you are.  I was so worried. 


Agnes:  Bert, I’m fine.


Bert looks imploringly to David and Maddie.


Bert:  Mr. Addison.  Ms. Hayes.  Help me to convince her to stay home.  I’ll be there to take care of her.  Watch over her.  I’ll cook.  I’ll clean.  She won’t even need to change the channel on the TV or turn the page of a book.  She won’t need to lift a finger. 


Agnes looks between David and Maddie. 


David:  Bert … I’m glad you’re here.  We have a little case.  Not even a case … a case-ette.  Just a little light surveillance. 


Bert:  Oh no sir.  I can’t leave Agnes’ side.  Send Jergenson or O’Neill. 


Maddie:  The client requested our best operative. 


David:  Right … right … best.  You’re the best we have Bert. 


Bert:  Client?  Oh right … there’s a client waiting in the outer office.


Agnes:  You left a client sitting out there all by himself?  What’s wrong with you?


Bert:  I was worried about you, honey.


Agnes:  Don’t honey me. 


Agnes hoists herself up and pushes Bert out of the way with her bulk. 


Bert looks back at David and Maddie. 


Bert:  He seemed OK out there by himself.  He was playing with his mice. 


David & Maddie:  Mice.


From the outer office can be heard girlish high pitched shrieks.




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Agnes toddles to the door, and peers out into the outer office.  Bert scurries up behind her, but backs away as she turns and almost snarls at him.


Maddie:  What on earth is going on out there?


Bert:  It’s probably the girls….imagine, being afraid of a few little mice.


Agnes:  Don’t bet on it – that shrieking is the boys.  Hahaha, you should see O’Neill standing on top of his desk, shaking like a leaf.


David:  Ho, ho, ho…..can somebody explain what the deal is with the meeeeeces?


Bert:  Not sure.  The man out there has a big cage full of mice.


Maddie:  And that is …what?  An everyday occurrence here at Blue Moon?  You didn’t ask?


Bert:  I was rushing to bring Agnes her bagel.


David smirks.


David:  Of course…priority deli delivery.  Fine job, Bert. 


Maddie:  Alright…enough!  Bert, we will speak to you later about your distraction…..errrr, assignment.  Agnes, will you please go outside and send in the client?  Then find yourself a comfortable seat, and stay in it!


Bert and Agnes start to walk out the door.  Bert has a second thought, and he turns back.


Bert:  Miss –


Maddie:  Mr. Viola, I said march!


David looks impressed.


David:  Now that was a voice any Mom would be proud of.  But don’t you want to know whether you need to rehearse for an alto or a soprano?


Maddie ignores him and looks up to observe a man walking through the office door.


Man:  Is this where I am supposed to go?


The man looks around apprehensively.  He is a big man, large and a little doughy – looking for all the world like a gentle giant from a fairy tale.  In his right hand, he is carrying the aforementioned cage full of mice.  There seem to be about 20 mice in the cage, and they are various shades and colors.


Man:  Wow, this is a really fancy office.  I hope I am in the right place.


David walks towards him, hand extended.


David:  Hi!  David Addison.


The man shifts the cage from his right hand to his left, and shakes David’s hand.


Man:  Hello!  I’m Algernon Katz.  I’m looking for a detective. 


David:  The great mouse detective?


Algernon looks puzzled.


Algernon:  No, I’m looking for the man who was involved in that Roy Rogers car chase?  That’s you, isn’t it?


David looks at Maddie as she shakes her head.


David:  See, there is no bad press.  Yes, that is me. 


He gestures towards Maddie and again addresses Algernon.


David:  This is my partner, Maddie Hayes.


Algernon walks towards Maddie.  He appears to be preparing to place the cage of mice on the top of her desk.  Maddie’s face blanches.  David knows this face well…..he has most recently associated it with the AM activities of Maddie’s first trimester.


David springs to action.


David:  Algernon, what do you say we park your furry little buddies right over here while we talk?


Algernon:  Okay.


He places the cage carefully on the coffee table.


Algernon:  Actually, mice aren’t furry.  Mice are hair covered…or sometimes bald.


Maddie:  Sound familiar, Mr. Addison?


David smirks a little.  


David:  Good to know, Algy.  Meanwhile, shake paws with Miss Hayes.


Algernon extends his hand, which Maddie accepts gingerly.


Maddie:  Welcome to Blue Moon, Mr. Katz.  How can we help you?


Algernon:  Please call me Algernon.  I need protection for my mice


David:  By protection, do you mean like the Godfather type protection?  Or are you talking about us finding teeny tiny little rub –


Maddie:  David!


David:  Well, we hardly know the man, but it appears he is concerned about mouse overpopulation.  Maybe this is a job for Bob Barker.


Algernon:  That’s a funny bit…..  Mouse contraception!  But I am actually concerned with their physical safety.  There have been threats.


David:  Top Cat and the gang looking to pull a caper?


Maddie grits her teeth.


Maddie:  Please excuse Mr. Addison.  He gets carried away.


Algernon laughs.


Algernon:  No problem.  In fact, I appreciate good mouse humor!


David smiles, feeling appreciated.


David:  See, Maddie?


Maddie:  He said good.


David:  Moving on…..Algernon, what can Blue Moon do for you?


Algernon:  I need you to solve a kidnapping.


David is very attentive.


David:  Someone took your kid?


Algernon:  No, mouse.


David:  Someone mousenapped your kid?


Algernon:  No, kidnapped my mouse.


David looks at him askance, not quite believing what he is hearing, but relieved it is not what he had imagined.


David:  Cheezus!


Algernon:  God bless you!


David:  You’re not kidding, are you? 


Algernon:  No, I am perfectly serious.  Someone and I think I know who stole one of my mice and could harm him.


David is muttering to himself.


David:  Well….we’ve always said no case is too big or too small……


Maddie jumps in quickly.


Maddie:  Algernon, let’s start from the beginning.  Tell us about you and how you are involved with these mice.


David:  Good start, Cinderella….I bet they are not helping him clean the house and sew a ball gown.


Maddie:  David, please.


Algernon:  Don’t worry – I know that this must seem a little strange, but I’m used to it.


David:  Sorry.  Sometimes these jokes just write themselves.


Maddie:  Go on, Algernon.


Algernon:  When I started my career years ago, I trained to be an exterminator.  I was pretty much a failure at that.  Ever hear of an exterminator who couldn’t bear to kill the ‘pests’?


David:  I can see how that might adversely affect your bottom line.


Algernon:  So I left that business.  I got the opportunity to buy a couple of ponies, and became a freelance pony ride operator.


Maddie:  Freelance?


Algernon:  Birthday parties, carnivals…sometimes even just going up and down streets…..anywhere I could find kids who wanted to be cowboys…and moms and dads willing to pay for a ride.


Maddie:  How interesting….I’ve never heard of anything like that. 


David:  Not surprising.  In your neck of the woods, the pony experience was probably referred to as “riding lessons”


Maddie flashes on the blue ribbons hanging in her childhood bedroom.  Her expression tells him that he has nailed it.


Maddie:  Please go on, Mr. Katz.


Algernon:  I enjoyed the work with the ponies, and it felt good being with them and insuring they were well treated.  And then I started to find out a little more about other various kinds of animal entertainment.


David’s eyes widen.


David:   Animal entertainment?  Not the animal entertainment I’m used to?


Maddie:  David!!!


Algernon:  That’s not my style.  I found a way to combine my love for animals with an opportunity for everyday folks to raise money for their communities -- fire departments, sports teams, Elks lodges.  Fundraisers, you know?


Maddie:  I’m not quite sure.


Algernon:  Well, my two main pursuits were donkey basketball, and cow pie bingo.


David starts to laugh.


Maddie:  Donkey basketball?


Algernon:  A basketball game played while riding donkeys. It was a big draw on weekend nights in small towns. It usually involved local celebrities or high school teachers.


David:  Hey, I was in a donkey basketball game once!


Maddie:  Quelle surprise!


David:  “What an ass” took on new meaning. 


David twists his head and looks at his posterior.


David:  Still got it!


Maddie:  We’re getting off the track here. 


David:  Oh no, you haven’t asked about cow pie bingo yet.


Maddie:  I’m from the Midwest, I know what a cow pie is, but I’ve never played bingo with one.


Algernon:  Well, you go out in a field and line out a grid of squares.  You sell the squares for $10 each.  Then you lead a well fed cow onto the field and let him roam around.  Wherever he…….


Maddie:  Oh no!


David:  Crap, yes!


Maddie:  Why did I ask?


David grins maliciously


David:  Blast that curiosity of yours!


Maddie sighs impatiently.


Maddie:  What does this have to do with the mice?


Algernon:  Just giving you my history.  So, a few years ago, the PETA people started express some concern about those ventures…not mine, specifically, of course.  I always treated my animals very well.   But I decided to move on anyway.  I found good homes for all of them, and moved into mouse racing.


Maddie:  Mouse racing?


David:  That’s a new one on me.  And I thought I knew all kinds of racing…horse racing, dog racing, cockroach racing…


Algernon:  It’s not so widespread.  But I started to look at small town America, and the activities that work there.  I thought, why not bring small town fun to Los Angeles?


David:  Mouse racing?


Algernon:  It’s run using the principals of horse racing.  Set up a track, design betting slips.  Win, place and show….exactas, trifectas, daily doubles.  And it’s all legal because it is raising funds for non-profit organizations.


David:  I thought I had bet on almost everything…….and then some.


Algernon:  This is very family friendly.  Everybody loves it.  It’s a fun evening out for everybody…adults and kids alike.


He reaches into his coat pocket, and pulls out a VHS tape.


Algernon:  I’ve got a video I can show you.


David takes the video, walks over to the tv/vcr combo next to the desk, and inserts the tape. The screen comes to life, and we are transported to Cheesehill Downs.


Click for Cheesehill Downs:


Maddie and David exchange amused looks.  David addresses Algernon.


David: Looks like a hoot.  And you make a living from this?


Algernon:  A modest one.  And I help raise some money for some good organizations.  But the best part is that I love my work and it makes me happy…..or it did, until recently.


Maddie:  What changed?


Algernon:  I had a man who worked for me as a mouse handler, Ignatz Church.  I caught him mistreating the mice and I fired him.  I have found out that recently, he has established his own mouse racing group – but it worries me.


David:  A little competition in the rat race, huh?


Algernon:  What worries me are his methods.  He has taken a simple and fun activity and tried to make it something it’s not.  He’s added Plexiglas tracks, neon lights, and higher stakes gambling.  He also has been soliciting races in bars and other places where it is illegal to gamble.  And no one profits from his enterprise but him.


David:  So, he is shooting for a different clientele than yours, right?  Isn’t that OK?


Algernon:  No, actually that is the problem.  I am afraid that his questionable actions are going to jeopardize my business.  If the authorities find irregularities, they will shut down all mouse racing.


Maddie:  That is probably a good point.


Algernon:  So I approached him, tried to reason with him.  I told him that the field was definitely big enough for both of us to make a living, as long as we kept it legal.  He went ballistic…told me to mind my own business, and threatened to cause trouble for me.  He said he would get even for me firing him.  Then Count Camembert disappeared.


Maddie:  And Count Camembert is one of the mice, correct?


Algernon:  My number one mouse.  The best of breed.


Maddie and David exchange a look, as Algernon nods towards the cage full of mice.


Algernon:  I brought all of them with me because all of my mice are important to me, and I want to be sure they are safe.  But Count Camembert is by far the most valuable.


David:  So let me get this straight.  You just don’t plop a bunch of little Mickeys into a track and let them run?  It has to be special mice?


Algernon:  All of my mice are trained.  They know how to run the track, and Count Camembert is the best of all of them.


Maddie:  You sound like you are quite attached to him.


Algernon:  It sounds a little odd, I know, but I really am.  I love all my mice, but he is special.


David:  So what do you want us to do about Viscount Velveeta?


Algernon:  (not missing a beat) Count Camembert. I just want him back….nothing else.  I would like you to go to Ignatz, and get him to give you my mouse back.  I don’t want any trouble, just my mouse.


David:  And you can tell us where to find Ignatz……some of his regular nests?


Algernon:  Absolutely.


Maddie looks at David, and nods her head towards the office door.


David:  Ok Algy, can you give us a minute to talk about this?  Can I get you anything….piece of cheese?


Maddie grabs his arm and pulls him towards the door, as David continues to ramble on.  He nods towards the cage.


David:   Algy, you’d better take a gander at those little nibblers.  If they are in training, I’m pretty sure they shouldn’t be doing that.


Maddie looks to Algernon with an apologetic smile, as she hauls David through the door.  Algernon walks towards the coffee table to check on his mice, as Maddie and David exit.


~|~  ~|~  ~|~  ~|~  ~|~  ~|~  ~|~  ~|~





David leans back against the office door, trying to stifle his laughter.


Maddie:  David, ssshh!  We don’t want to hurt the poor man’s feelings.


David:  I love this case!


Maddie:  Oh David, this is not really a case.  It’s a sad little story, but it’s not a case.


David:  Why is it a sad little story?  The guy loves his life, loves what he is doing.


Maddie:  Agreed…but don’t you think his world is just a tad narrow?


David:  By whose standards?  Maddie, he is an everyman.  Most of the people in this country are not doctors, lawyers, or even Indian chiefs.  They are garbage men, and roofers and fishmongers……and….


Maddie:  Mouse racers?


David:  Yep.  And they take their happiness where they find it…..or they scrape the bottom of the barrel to dig it out.  Does that make it any less valid?


Maddie:  Of course not.


David:  Look how he found us – from the stories on Leonard…another everyman.


Maddie:  I don’t know.


David:  What don’t you know? He’s a sweet guy.  I’ve known a hundred guys like him in my lifetime.  You know what?  I bet my dad’s still got our pony Polaroid on his fridge.


Maddie:  I’d like to see that.


David:  Richie fell off right after the picture was taken.  Broke his arm.


Maddie:  Ouch.


David:  You probably thought he landed on his head.


David turns serious, and pauses for a moment, reflecting.


David:  You know, Maddie, it’s pretty obvious our lives have been different.  Not better, not worse…just different.  And I’d like to think that we’re going to be able to bring all of those experiences to our little pinky’s life…..or our little bluey’s life. 


He takes a breath.


David:  I think this man is a good man, and I think he has a true love of his life.  That kind of joy…..and yes, passion, is something I’d like our child to have deep within him or her.


He looks directly into Maddie’s eyes.


David:  Yes, we’re Beverly Hills detectives…and yes, it is an unusual case…but not the first one.  I hate to think that just because Algy and General Gorgonzola are not up to our usual standard of clients, financial or otherwise, that that would interfere with our desire to help the guy.  Honestly, do we have anything else really important going on this week?


Maddie:  Well, no. And the financial implications have nothing to do with this. I am just not sure I want to get a reputation for taking these odd types of cases.


David:  Too late.  Been there, dressed up like a girl one time too many.


He tries to lighten the mood, indicating the office workers.


David:  Maybe we can get the mice to teach these cats some tricks.  Make them earn their cheese.  Heck, Lord Limburger already sounds like he’s got a leg up on Simmons –who has a hard time finding his way back from the men’s room


Maddie:  Count Camembert.


She looks at him.  After eight years, he is still an enigma to her at times


Maddie:  You are really enjoying this, aren’t you?


David: I am.  But don’t get me wrong….I really want to help this guy, Maddie. 


Maddie:  But the whole thing seems so silly.


David:  It’s unbelievably silly.  And unbelievably important to that man.  Maddie, I’d take this case for free!


He looks at her with his most endearing smile.


David:  C’mon Maddie…let me show you how the other half lives.  At the very least, we’ll get to attend an actual mouse race!  How can you resist that?  I’ll buy you a beer.


He puts his hand on her stomach.


David:  Well, a non-alcoholic beer…..or maybe just a strong ginger ale.


Maddie just stands back, observing his enthusiasm, smiling and shaking her head.


David:  This is gonna be great practice….wait till you see how silly we’re gonna get when Bunny is around.


He pulls out his baby imitation….goo-gooing and ga-gaing!


Maddie laughs.


David:  So, we’re agreed?


Maddie nods.


David:  The things I let you talk me into…….


He leans over and kisses her on the cheek.


David:  Thanks.  Let’s go tell Algy the good news.


They start to reenter Maddie’s office as David sings.


David:  (singing) “Here we come to save the day……..”




~|~  ~|~  ~|~  ~|~  ~|~  ~|~  ~|~  ~|~




THE RAT RACE (a trendy nightclub) -- 8:45 PM



A black Mercedes Benz pulls up to the valet of the trendy nightclub.  A leggy blonde steps out on the passenger side.  She is still in her dress from the office, but has replaced the smart blazer with a sparkly unstructured coat and a colorful scarf.  The valet opens the driver's side door.  Out steps a middle aged man in a very smart suit, a little worn from a day at the office.  He hands the valet the keys.  The couple steps to the front of the rope line and whisper something to the bouncer.  The bouncer nods and unhooks the rope allowing them to pass.  The man palms the bouncer a twenty for his efforts. 


Inside the club, the couple works their way through the noisy bar with the techno music blaring out some rhythmic beat.  They pass by another bouncer, go through a curtain at the back of the main room, and down a flight of stairs.


They come to a door.  The man knocks once.  He pauses and knocks three more times quickly.  The grill at eye level slides open.


Disembodied Voice:  Yeah.


Woman:  Minnie loves Mickey. 


The grill snaps closes quickly.  The door opens and the man and woman enter.    They step through some thick curtains and into a Monte Carlo-esque casino room. They melt into the crowd.


Rich dark purple velvet curtains cover the walls, chandeliers hang from various sections of the room putting off a glittering glow on the people below.  Hostesses in sequined evening gowns greet familiar guests at the door and direct them into the room.  Waiters in tuxes with trays of martinis - shaken not stirred - pass them to the clientele who are gathered around various gaming tables. There is a low din in the room of cheers and chatter from the guests and game callers.  The clientele (gamblers) are from their late twenties to early sixties.  They are well dressed in Armani and Donna Karin - suits mostly.  They appear to have just stepped out of the courtroom, the boardroom or off the trading floor, for a night in Monte Carlo West, with medium stakes games of chance.


As we draw closer to one table we see Mouse Craps; not as dirty as it sounds.  A mouse is on a wheel.  Attached is a wire basket which spins as the wheel turns.  Dice are placed in the basket.  As the mouse runs, the dice are shaken until they fall out.  SEVEN!  A Winner!  SNAKE EYES!  Craps, You Lose!  The new shooter will pick a new mouse and the game begins again.


Another table has Mouse Roulette.  Bets are placed, the wheel is spun and the mouse is released.  The number is decided when the wheel slows and the mouse chooses a number.  Twenty-Two Black!!  Seven Red!  A winner!


There is a bank of four slot machines in the corner, all themed: Mighty Mouse, Tom & Jerry, Mickey & Minnie and Danger Mouse (a nod to the gamers from across the pond).  Four middle aged women are dropping what looks like their pocket change into the machine.  The money they are gambling could pay rent for a month for any one of the help.


Near the back is a mouse sized Plinko board.  The gamers buy a mouse to use, release them at the top and whichever slot the mouse chooses at the bottom is their prize.  There must be cheese at the bottom of the ZERO slots.  Not too many big winners at Plinko.


In the center of the room is the main attraction.  It's an oval track made of slick shiny Plexiglas embedded with glitter and neon lights - very glitzy, very glam.  In the center of the track is a large rotating figure of a race car being driven by a mouse.  Underneath is a sign edged with game show lights that says:  HOLLYWOOD DERBY.  The track is surrounded by a bar with stools for the spectators and their drinks.  People start to gather around as the clock on the wall gets closer to 8:50 PM - the start of the first race.


Seated at the end, away from the starting gate is David Addison. He is alone but continues to shoo people away from the stool next to him, saying that it is taken.  He checks his watch and searches the crowd anxiously. 


Across the room, Maddie emerges from the hallway that leads to the ladies’ lounge.  He waves to her to hurry.  She continues her pace. 


David:  Did you spring a leak?  What's that, the third time tonight?


Maddie:  Next time, you carry the baby.  He - or she - is sitting on my bladder. 


She looks at her empty glass and then at him. 


David:  Hey, if you can't hold your soda with a twist, I'm going to have to cut you off.


She glares at him.  He turns to a waiter who is dropping off a martini to the man sitting next to David.  David orders another beer and a soda water for Maddie.  He turns back and holds out his fists. 


David:  Pick one.


Maddie:  What am I picking? 


David:  Go with it.  Pick one.


Maddie rolls her eyes and picks his left hand.  David unfolds it and offers her the tickets that were in his hand. 


Maddie:  (reading) Mrs. Brisby?


David:  She's 15 to 1.  It'll pay big if she can get off her tail and run. 


Maddie:  Are you betting on this race?  David, we are here gathering information. 


David:  I need information on what it feels like to win.


Maddie:  Or lose.  David ... this is a hundred dollars ... we can't charge the client for this. 


David:  We won't need to if the little mama can run. 


Maddie:  David.


David: Maddie.  Don't worry ... I bet on Fluffy's Catch.  They said the poor rodent has PTSD but I think that is just to throw us off.  I mean if he were caught by Fluffy, he wouldn't be here right now, he'd be kibble.


Maddie:  David.


A recorded bugle blares out the call to the race.  A man steps into the space between the bar and the track.  He is wearing a worn tux that doesn't fit too well.  He is young; late twenties, early thirties with a baby face.  His smile is forced, revealing his too white caps.  In one hand he holds a box which presumably holds the mice.  In the other he holds a microphone.  He walks around the ring with the box held aloft.


David:  (whispers to Maddie) That's Ignatz Church.


Maddie:  You sure?


David:  I asked around.


Maddie: He owns this place?


David:  No.  He just manages the mouse games.   It's not even his stuff.  The roulette wheel, the crap table - it all belongs to the owner of the bar… who, I am happy to report, is not fond of Ignatz or his little critters.  He's expecting the health inspector to shut him down any day now. 


Maddie:  How did you find this out?

David:  Detective ... hello? 


Maddie:  When?


David:  Commercial break while you were in the bathroom for the twentieth time.


Maddie:  Hey.


David:  The only thing that belongs to Church is the track.   


Maddie:  He doesn't look old enough to be drinking in this place.  He should be home doing his homework. 


David:  With the bank he is pulling in, I'd say he graduated.  This ain't no penny ante game, Maddie.  A hundred bucks was the smallest amount I could bet.  The purse on this race alone is two Gs.  He'll walk away tonight with over twenty grand. 


Maddie: (askance) This is mouse gambling!


David:  The casino games are nothing compared to the races.


Maddie:  Racing ... with mice ... not dogs, not horses. 


David:  Who knew, right?


Maddie:  Is this legal?


David:  Not at these stakes. 


Ignatz: (putting the microphone to his mouth) LADIES and GENTLEMAN!  Thank you all for joining us tonight at the Hollywood Derby.  The first race - the Breeders Cups - will begin in a moment.  Let me introduce you to our racers tonight; all five months old, but the pick of the breeders. 


He sets the box down and pulls a mouse out by the tail.  Lots of squealing from the mouse as well as the female onlookers.  A few of the male onlookers just look green.


Ignatz: In lane one, we have Rat'tagnan at five to one.  He is running against his fellow Mouseketeers Ara-mouse in lane two and Rat-thos in lane six. 


He pulls each mouse out as he calls their name.


Ignatz: They are all at five to one.  In lane three we have Mrs. Brisby.  She is new to Hollywood Derby and a new mother.  She welcomed her little brood only last week, but she is ready to run.  In lane four we have Wheel Mouse.  He is only five months but he looks ten.  Strong like bull that one.  Finally in lane five we have Fluffy's Catch.  This little guy got his name from how he came to us.  He was out in the world and Fluffy the cat, caught him and brought him home.  He still relives it but when he thinks Fluffy is on his tail, there is no stopping him. 


David and Maddie share a look.  David is amused.  Maddie is not. 


Ignatz:  Mice at the ready.


Ignatz hands the box to an assistant who shows up out of nowhere.


A hush falls over the room. 


A bell sounds.  And the gate is lifted; the mice are loose on the track.  The lanes don't mean much, but a number is attached to each mouse's tail.  As Ignatz announces the race, the onlookers cheer for their pick.


Ignatz: And they are off in the Breeder's Cup of the Hollywood Derby.  The Mouseketeers take an early lead as the three of them dominate the track.  Wheel Mouse is jockeying for position on the inside rail.  Mrs. Brisby is coming up close behind.  Fluffy's Catch hasn't made it out of the gate.  Wheel Mouse pours on some speed and breaks through the wall of mouse between Rat'tagnan and Ara-mouse.  He is making a break for it.  The Mouseketeers reform their line.  But wait ... here comes Mrs. Brisby.  And what's this?  The Mouseketeers are stepping aside to let the lady through.  Oh no ... and they say chivalry is dead.  Mrs. Brisby easily slips by the merry band and is making a break for it.  As they round the clubhouse turn, it is Wheel Mouse and Mrs. Brisby.  Wheel Mouse by a length.  It's Wheel Mouse and Mrs. Brisby.  Wheel Mouse ... oh no.  Wheel Mouse had stopped.  He is looking behind him.  He turns.  No! No! He is headed back toward the gate.  Mrs. Brisby is in the lead, four lengths over the Mouseketeers.  And there we have it ... Mrs. Brisby the clear winner.  With Rat'tagnan placing and Rat-thos showing.  Fluffy's Catch never made it out of the gate. 


The crowd erupts.  Some cheer but most groan and tear their tickets up. 


David turns to Maddie.


David:  You won, Maddie!!  You won.  She's paying fifteen to one ... you just won fifteen hundred bucks.


Maddie starts to get excited but forces it down. 


Maddie:  David ... this is illegal. 


David:  It's not blood money, Maddie. 


Maddie:  It is illegal.


David:  Speeding and blowing through stop signs is illegal too, but that didn't stop you this morning on the way to work. 


Maddie:  I stopped! 


David wasn't buying it at half the price.


Maddie:  This is different. 


David:  Who's getting hurt here, Maddie?


Maddie:  Well, according to our client, he is.  The mice are.  And the good clean fun for honest Americans.


David holds up her tickets.


David:  Fifteen hundred smackers, Maddie.  I can have a ton of good clean fun for that ... can have a lot more dirty fun.


Maddie:  Can you be serious?


David:  Not so far.


He jumps off his stool and grabs her tickets.


Maddie:  Where are you going?


David:  To collect ... and to put some down on the next race.  I hear Cheesebiscuit is more than just slow out of the gate, he is immovable.  Squigglefritz now has the advantage. 


A man standing behind David speaks up to correct him.


Man:  Equipaws.


David turns his attention to the man.


David:  Squigglefritz.


Man:  Equipaws


David:  Equipaws?


Man:  Equipaws. I clocked him this morning.


David looks at Maddie.


David: He clocked him this morning.


Maddie:  I ought to clock you.


David looks back at the man with a big grin.


David:  A hundred on Equipaws.


The man nods.  David jogs off.


Maddie:  David!


Maddie is left by herself.  She decided to speak to the man who was just giving David a tip.


Maddie:  When is the next race? 


Man:  Fifteen ... twenty minutes.  You boy has enough time to get his bet down.


Maddie: (rolling her eyes) Great. 


Maddie spots Ignatz Church across the room.  She watches for a moment as he speaks at a couple of other men, one of whom is the assistant who let the mice out of the gate in the last race.  Church's nasty demeanor, and the way he barks at them would lead you to believe that they are employees, getting their instructions.  Maddie looks for David, but he is buried in the payoff line.


She decides to actually do some detective word.   She needs to go to the bathroom again anyway.



~|~  ~|~  ~|~  ~|~  ~|~  ~|~  ~|~  ~|~





Maddie walks over and lingers near the hallway down to the ladies lounge.  She gets to listen in on Church and his men.  The first man is small and quick, with a dark face, restless eyes and smart, strong features: small strong hands, slender arms and a nose that clearly has been broken a time or two in his life.   The other man is quite the opposite.  He is huge, pale, and slow, with too many muscles for his IQ.


Ignatz:  Damn it, Lennie!  How many times have I told you to leave the mice alone?


George:  (scolding) Lennie, you crazy bastard.


Lennie:  I just wanted to pet the little mouse, George.  I didn't kill it George.  I found it that way.


George:  Crazy bastard.


Lennie:  I have always wanted a little mouse for my very own, George.  I will name him George and I will hug him and pet him and squeeze him.  And caress him.


George: Enough.


Ignatz:  Those are our bread and butter, boys.  Let's try not to kill them until after the race?


George:  Right, Boss.


Ignatz:  So are we all set? 


George:  Yes.


Ignatz:  Equipaws?


George:  Taken care of ... Won't cross the finish line.  He's got glue on his tail - he'll be spinning in circles, trying to get it off.


Ignatz:  What about the last race.  You swapped out …


George:  Yes … Count Camembert was in the showcase earlier, but we got his double in the race and he's been overfed. 


Ignatz:  (smiling) OK ... let's get this show on the road. 


George:  Alright, Lennie.  Remember what I told you.


Lennie:  I remember, George.  Just like you told me.


George and Lennie go off to back room.  Church looks in the smoky mirror behind the bar and straightens his bowtie and smoothes back his hair.  He looks around and he and Maddie make eye contact.  He flashes her an oily grin.  She turns away to go into the bathroom.


~|~  ~|~  ~|~  ~|~  ~|~  ~|~  ~|~  ~|~





Maddie walks up to David, who is flipping through his tickets.


David: Where you been, Blondie?  The race is about to start.


Maddie:  We can go, David.


David:  GO?  What do you mean go?  I've got two hundred bucks riding on this race.


Maddie:  We came here to get dirt on Ignatz Church.  I have all we need.  He is fixing the races. 


David:  (looking around) SHhhhhhhhhhhh.  (lowers his voice and leans into her)  That is a serious accusation, Maddie.  Do you have anything to back it up?


Maddie:  I heard him talking to his ... his thugs. 


David:  What do you mean you heard him? 


Maddie:  I eavesdropped, David. 


David:  You shouldn't be dropping eaves in your condition, Maddie.


Maddie shoots him a look.


David:  What did you hear?


Maddie:  They are putting glue or something on the mouse's tail so he won't run.  They overfed another one.  They swapped Signore Swiss with a look alike. 


David:  Count Camembert?


Maddie:  Whatever ... look David, this is dumb.  It's a stupid rat race.


David:  Mouse race.


Maddie:  What is the purpose of fixing it?


David:  Money.


Maddie:  Money? 


The bugle calls again to bring the mice to the post. 


Ignatz steps up again and does his rundown of the mice in race number two.


Ignatz:  Race number two here at the Hollywood Derby.  We've got the Belmouse stakes with a purse of five thousand dollars.  Number one is Mouse o'War.  Number two Equipaws.  Number three Cheesebiscuit.  Number four is Secretari-Rat.  Number five making his first appearance at the Hollywood Derby is Squigglefritz.  And number six is Dormouse. 


The mice are placed in the starting gates.  The bell sounds.  The mice are released.


Ignatz:  And they're off!  Race number two.  Squigglefritz takes an early lead with Mouse o'War coming up the outside.  Cheesebiscuit is third.  Secretari-Rat fourth.  Dormouse pulling up the rear.  Equipaws isn't in the race.  He's stuck outside the gate chasing his tail.  Mouse o'War is making his move on Squiqqlefritz on the inside rail.  Cheesebiscuit is hard on his tail.  Dormouse has dropped back four lengths.  Coming up on the finish line, it is Squigglefritz and Mouse o'War.  Mouse o'War.  Mouse o'War has pulled ahead by a whisker.  Mouse o'War.  Squigglefritz is kicking it into high gear ... and Squigglefritz wins by a head. 


David looks down at his tickets.  The name Equipaws is written across them.  He looks over at the man who shrugs and tears his tickets in half and walks off.  


David:  Last time I take advice from a stranger. 


Maddie:  It was fixed, David.  I told you.  They put something on his tail to get him distracted. 


Maddie hears what she is saying and can't believe it.


Maddie:  This is mouse racing ... there is no Vegas line on these races.  Why fix them?


David tears up his tickets and tosses them on the floor.  Faster than the janitors at Disneyland, a waiter scurries over, picks them up and puts them on his tray to dispose of them properly.


David:  Money baby, it is all about the money.


Maddie:  (looking around) Who are these people, David?  They look like professionals.  They make a decent living.  This isn't a lot of money to them, by the looks of it. 


David: These are people who just want to play but not take real risks.  It's probably just a fad and will disappear in a few months like tube tops and shoulder pads.


David notices Maddie's shoulder pads that have survived way too long.


David:  I'm guessing. 


Maddie:  Well if the gamblers don't mind losing, and the police don't care because this is a victimless crime, what leverage do we have to get this guy to shut down and leave town?   


David:  Same answer as before, Maddie.  Money.


Maddie:  Money?  Are we planning on paying him off with your winnings?


David:  We don't have to ... like I said, he is probably making twenty grand easy tonight. 


Maddie:  So?


David:  Come on, Maddie.  How did they take Al Capone down? 


Maddie thinks for a minute and realizes what David is referring to.  She nods. 


Maddie:  Ok.  Let's do it. 


David:  What?  Now?  No. No. No. ... This kind of thing goes down better in the day light.


David is about to step away. 


Maddie:  Where are you going?


David:  Gotta get in on the last race.  Any inside scoop for me?


Maddie:  Count Camembert has been switch with another mouse.


David:  Good to know.


David jogs off and Maddie looks exasperated.


~|~  ~|~  ~|~  ~|~  ~|~  ~|~  ~|~  ~|~





The outer office is empty and dark.  A large cage of mice is on the counter of Agnes' desk.  Some are sleeping.  Some are running on the wheel.  Some are eating.  One is trying to open the cage.  A couple are in the back of the cage ... not sleeping.


Music and laughter can be heard coming from David's office.  As we pan into David's office we find pizza boxes and beer bottles around the office.  A pair each of men’s and women’s shoes has been kicked off and are scattered on the floor.  The Tonight Show with Jay Leno is muted on the TV.


Jamie:  YEAH!!! MOUSETRAP!!!  I win.  Pay up.


O'Neill:  This is not a game.  And I'm not playing with plastic mice either. 


Jamie:  We can go back to Cat and Mouse. 


O'Neill:  That's just solitaire by anything other name. 


Jamie: (yawning) Well, we can go to sleep.  I'm exhausted.


O'Neill:  (panicked) NO!  No. You are not leaving me alone with those ... those ... those creatures. 


Jamie:  Creatures? They’re mice.


O'Neill: Whatever ... shuffle up and deal. 


~|~  ~|~  ~|~  ~|~  ~|~  ~|~  ~|~  ~|~





David and Maddie walk into the back behind the curtain.  George and Lennie are eating breakfast off to the side.  Ignatz is in a small office across from them, counting his cash.  There is a wall of Tupperware containers behind him, each one with a mouse in it. 


Maddie:  Algernon won't like that.


David:  We'll buy him some flowers ... let's do what we have to do.


Lennie stands up and moves toward them with George tagging along.


David flashes his wallet pretending it's a badge.


David:  Think about it, boys ... the best laid plans going astray and all that. 


Lennie and George back off.  In fact they back so far off, they leave the room and the building.


David:  Mr. Church?  Ignatz Church?


Ignatz:  Who the hell are you?  Get out of here.  Lennie?  George?  Where the hell are you guys?  What am I paying you for?


David:  Your boys had to go. 


Ignatz:  What do you want?


David:  Quite a haul last night ... I'm sure every penny will be declared on your taxes.


Ignatz laughs. 


Ignatz:  Who are you guys?


Maddie:  The IRS.


Ignatz:  Right.  If you’re with the IRS, I'll eat my hat. 


David:  I'll get the salt.


Maddie:  We've got them on speed dial.


Ignatz:  What do you want?


David:  We represent someone who would like you to leave the mouse racing profession for good, but at the very least, to get out of California. 


Ignatz:  Who do you represent?


Maddie:  We can't disclose the name of our client.


Ignatz:  Client?  So what are you -- like detectives?  Private dicks like they have on TeeVee?


David:  You had a pretty big windfall last night ... think it would be best if you picked up your winnings and left the table before it gets out that you are fixing the races. 


Ignatz:  Who said anything about fixing the races?


Maddie:  You did.  Last night.  I heard you.


Ignatz:  You can't pin anything on me.


David:  Cheating never does go over well when money is involved.  The slightest hint of impropriety and your clientele will leave you like ... like ...


Maddie:  Like rats deserting a sinking ship.


David:  There you go.


Ignatz:  Go to hell. 


The owner of The Rat Race walks in with the two bouncers we saw at the doors last night.


Owner:  No, Church.  It's you that has to go and I don't care where.  I won't tolerate cheating in my club.


Ignatz:  I don't know what these two have been telling you but ---


Owner:  Get out, Church.  Get out now. 


Ignatz looks to the two bouncers.  He reconsiders making an argument.  Time to move on.  He picks up his coat and stuffs the money on the desk into his pockets haphazardly. 


Ignatz: You aren't chasing me out of town.  I was done with this burg anyway.  Time for me to try Vegas.


David:  Good idea - because they LOVE cheaters in Vegas. 


Ignatz turns to the stack of Tupperware behind him and starts to pick up a bunch of mice. 


David:  Leave the livestock, Mr. Church. 


Ignatz:  What do you want a bunch of rodents for?


Maddie:  Assume that we do. 


Ignatz throws his hands up in the air and marches toward the door.  He stops and turns around. 


Ignatz:  Detectives huh?  I'll bet that crazy Katz hired you two.  No vision - that man.  Treats those pests like pets.  Loser. 


With that, he leaves in quite a hurry. 


The owner looks at Maddie and David. 


Owner:  You aren't leaving those rats here.


He walks out with his bouncers close behind.


David and Maddie share a look of satisfaction. 


David: I'd say that was a job well done. 


Maddie is looking over all the containers. 


Maddie:  One thing, genius.  Which one is Count Camembert?


David:  I don't know.  Pick one.


Maddie:  Do you honestly think we can pick just anyone and Algernon will think it's Count Camembert?


David:  So what do we do?


Maddie ponders for a moment. 


Maddie:  We take them all.


David:  You're joking right?


Maddie:  No.  Joking would be telling you that you have a mouse in your pocket. 


David smiles and leans into kiss her.


David:  I sure do. 


Maddie:  When I said joking, I meant that it would be funny because it's true. 


David reaches his hand into his coat pocket and produces a mouse.


Maddie:  I think he likes you, David.  He looks like you ... little crooked grin, cold nose. 


David:  How do you know it's a boy? 


David lifts up the tail and looks at the mouse's backend.


David:  How can you tell ... boy mouse or girl mouse? 


Maddie:  Wait and be surprised when she drops a litter on you.


They look back at all the mice and sigh. 




~|~  ~|~  ~|~  ~|~  ~|~  ~|~  ~|~  ~|~






It is a typical “no work AND pay” day at Blue Moon… except that, the bosses are nowhere to be found, and Agnes does not seem up to her usual hall monitor job.  So the Wobblies drink coffee, chat, read magazines and generally goof off.


Jamie and O’Neill look almost as weary as Agnes, but for a very different reason.  They drew the short straws yesterday, and were the overnight mouse guards of the previous evening.


The large cage of mice has been relocated to Agnes’s reception desk, partially obscuring her from our view.


Bert looks like caffeine personified, with a wild look in his eyes that is making the other employees stay well clear of him.


Bert:  Mice, you know, are very sweet and playful animals.  And, here is an interesting thought, a group of mice is called a mischief of mice…..that’s right, a mischief.  Isn’t that unexpected?


Jamie:  Not so unexpected.  Given the noises they were making, there was some mischief going on in that cage last night.  Kept me up all night….


She pauses, and grins in the direction of O’Neill who is sleeping on his desk.


Jamie:  On the plus side, I made overtime, and seventeen bucks playing games with O’Neill last night – ten bucks on “Mousetrap” alone.  Forgot how much fun that game is.  He was so scared the mice would escape, he wouldn’t even try to sleep.


Agnes:  O’Neill is the sensitive type.


She sighs a big sigh.


Agnes:  The mice don’t scare me, but I gotta say they are starting to creep me out...staring at me like that.  I think I need to get up and stretch my legs.


Agnes starts to lower herself down from the stool.


Bert:  No…wait, sweetie, I’ll help you.


He rushes towards Agnes, not seeing the limbo pole from the morning’s session lying on the floor.  His feet hit it at full throttle, and they go out from under him.  His motion propels him headfirst into the reception desk, which he slams into with a huge thud.  The impact knocks the cage full of mice onto the floor.  The door pops open and mice scatter everywhere.


Bert is face down on the floor, silent, as mice scamper around and across him. He appears to be knocked out.  Agnes comes around the desk, dancing a little as she tries to avoid stepping on mice.  She maneuvers her body to get down to his level – a combination of a sideways lean and a squat.  She manages to grab Bert under each elbow, and tries to pull him up.  Bert moans….and suddenly, a duplicate moan from Agnes.  She gets a strange expression on her face, and sits down on the floor, next to Bert, missing squishing a mouse by a whisker.


An almost riot breaks out, the kind of pandemonium that only 20 mice released on an unsuspecting room could cause.  Mice are running, climbing the walls, squeaking.  People are shrieking and jumping, furniture is turned over.  Jergenson grabs a broom and starts to swat at them.


Magillicuddy yells at him.


Magillicuddy:  Don’t hurt them, you idiot, they’re clients!


The Wobblies are alternately brave and freaked out by the rampaging mice.  It is quite a different story – mice in a cage versus crawling up your pants leg. Only O’Neill is undisturbed, sleeping on.


This is the scene that greets Maddie and David as they enter the room, pushing a cart full of Tupperware containers.


David:  Hickory, dickory, dock…what the hell happened here?


Maddie puts out her hand to steady herself on the reception desk, and almost places her hand on a tiny grey mouse.  She makes a little shrieking sound.


Maddie:  David, what should we do?


David:  Head for the hills?  Rewind this episode about 5 minutes?


The office door opens and Algernon enters.  He takes in the scene.


Algernon:  What’s going on here?  Are those my mice?


David:  No Algy, we were so inspired by your story, that we went out and got a whole flock of free range mice of our own.


Bert raises his head from the floor and mutters


Bert:  A mischief... a group of mice is a mischief.


David:  Relevant comments always welcome, Bert.  Now what the heck do we do about these mice?


Algernon:  Don’t worry, Mr. Addison, I’ll take care of it.  Runaway mice are somewhat of an occupational hazard for me.  Can I use your office?  If your workers will herd them into your office, I can get them all back in their cage.


David:  My office?  Sure?  I guess I can get a new office.


Algernon takes charge of the Wobblies.


Algernon:  Come on with me, folks, and I’ll show you what to do.  Hey you, big guy, bring the broom.  I’ll show you how to use it to gently coax them in the right direction.


David:  Hey, Algernon, before you go, you might wanna take these too.


He indicates the cart.


Algernon:  Those aren’t mine, right?


Maddie:  Only one of them……we got Emperor Edam back for you.


Algernon peers into the containers, and plucks one out of the pile.


Algernon:  Count Camembert!  Oh thank you so much.  Did you have much trouble getting him back?


Maddie:  We made Ignatz an offer he couldn’t refuse.


She winks at Algernon.


David:  And as a bonus, he contributed his entire stable of racers.  We told him you’d take good care of them.


Algernon hmmphs. 


Algernon:  Much better than he did.  Look at that – keeping mice in Tupperware containers!


David:  Don’t worry, I don’t think he burped the freshness seals.


There is a loud crash from inside David’s office


Algernon:  I’d better get going.  Mice to catch – thank goodness!  Thank you both very much.


Algernon exits, and Maddie and David return their attention to Bert and Agnes, who are both still on the floor.


Bert rubs his head.


David:  So what happened to Bert?


Agnes answers in a strange tone.


Agnes:  He hit his head pretty hard.


David:  Bert, what day of the week is it?  Who is the president of the United States?  Quick, give me the names of the other seven dwarves.


Maddie:  Help him sit up, David.


He pulls Bert up, and leans him back against the reception desk.


Bert:  I’m a little dizzy.


David:  And that is different today because…..?


Maddie:  And Agnes, what are you doing sitting on the floor?


Agnes:  I was trying to help Bert get up, and all of a sudden, I felt something pop.


(stage whisper)


Agnes:  And I think I’m all wet.


They all speak at once.


Bert: Your water broke? Maddie: Your water broke? David: Wet your pants?


Bert:  Are you having any contraptions?


Maddie:  Contraptions?


Bert:  The doctor said if the pines are close together, we should get right to the popsicle.


David and Maddie exchange glances.


David:  Ok, Bertie boy, we’re gonna take care of both of you.  But first, let’s get Agnes up off the floor.


Maddie moves to help her.


David:  Maddie, not you, please.  I’ve got her.


He reaches down and starts to pull Agnes up.


Agnes:  Ow ow ow ow ow.  Put me down….now!  Ow!


David gently lowers her back to the floor.


Maddie:  Was that a contraction, Agnes?


Agnes: (sharply)  Either that or a dump truck just hit me.


She pauses for a minute, conscience stricken.


Agnes:  Oh, I’m sorry Miss Hayes.  I don’t know why I said that.


Bert:  Agnes, peas…….mindfulness……use your pain management spills……


Agnes:  Mr. Addison, can you move me closer to Bert so I can kick him in the groin?  Then we’ll talk about pain management.


Maddie crouches down beside her.


Maddie:  Agnes dear, I think Bert might have a concussion.  Or maybe he is just not thinking clearly.


Agnes bursts into tears.


Agnes:  I’m sorry.  This isn’t quite what I expected.


Maddie:  It’s going to be fine, Agnes. Just calm down, you know how to do this.  Remember, our thoughts control our world.


Agnes:  But our birthing center is in the valley, about an hour away.  And our doula.  She is going to do all the hypnosis techniques for us.  And she knows labor massage.


Maddie:  It’s OK.  David is going to call 911, and we will get an ambulance here very quickly


Agnes screws up her face again, grabs her belly, and cries out.


Agnes:  Holy cow, what the hell was that?


Maddie:  Agnes, I think we need to get you to the closest facility. 


She raises her voice.




David picks up the phone and dials 911.


DAVID:  911?  I need an ambulance……now!!


He listens intently.


David:  Century City, right.  What’s my emergency?  Would you believe I have a zillion mice running around my office, a group of out of control employees, and a guy with a possible concussion that makes him more unintelligible than he usually is?


Listens again.


David:  NO?  Well, how about lady having a baby?  Soon!




David:  You’re kidding!  Well, trust no one, I guess.


He slams down the phone.


Maddie:  How long did they say?


David:  Bad news, kiddos.  You’ve heard about that new TV show, The X Files?  Evidently there is a huge group of protestors that descended on FOX studios today….UFO nuts, carrying on about the FBI and cover ups…conspiracies. Can you say paranoia?  They started turning on each other, started beating each other senseless.


Maddie:  That’s crazy.


David whistles the X Files theme.


David:  You can say that again.  Nevertheless, we’re on our own to get Agnes to the hospital.  They suggested the Beverly Hills Birthing Center.


Bert struggles to his feet, babbling.


Bert:  I’ll get the car.


David:  Hold your horses, little man.  I’ll drive.


He looks at Agnes, still on the floor, breathing heavily, while Maddie crouches next to her, rubbing her shoulder.  He scans the room, people still crazily running, chasing mice……all except for O’Neill….still sleeping.  The room is a wreck, files scattered everywhere, chairs upended.


Seeing the chairs gives David an idea.  He runs over to O’Neill, who is sleeping in the most accessible chair. David pounds him on the back.


David:  O’Neill, get up, I need your chair.


O’Neill awakens, blinking, as David unceremoniously dumps him out of his chair and onto the floor, where he comes red eye to red eye with a little white mouse.  O’Neill screams, gets up, and runs out the door.


David rolls the desk chair over to Agnes.  He hauls her up into the chair, and quickly begins to push her out the door and towards the elevator, with Maddie and Bert in hot pursuit.


~|~  ~|~  ~|~  ~|~  ~|~  ~|~  ~|~  ~|~





The Lexus rolls up in front of the building, brakes squealing.  Bert catapults out of the door, and into the building.  Maddie and David get out of the car, and help Agnes out of the back seat.


David looks around at the nondescript building.


David:  Are you sure that this is the place.  Doesn’t look like a hospital.


Agnes:  I recognize it from the tabloids.  This is the place where all the celebrities come to have their babies.


She gestures at a knot of casually dressed men across the street.


Agnes:  See the cameras?  Paparazzi.


David:  Oh well, there’s nothing here to see.


Bert flings open the doors, and comes out, accompanied by an orderly with a wheelchair.


David:  Yet.


The photographers look quickly, and just as quickly, lose interest.


The orderly gets Agnes situated into the wheelchair.  She grits her teeth and breathes deeply.


Bert:  Focus honey.  Center your aura.  Choose a posthumous thought, and concentrate on it.


Agnes:  I’ll give you a posthumous thought, buddy.


The orderly pushes the chair through the doors.  Bert starts to follow, then turns.


Bert:  Aren’t you coming?


David:  You go ahead, Bert.  I’m not sure I can find a parking space.


A uniformed attendant appears at his elbow.


Attendant:  Valet parking, sir?


David shakes his head in disbelief.


David:  Only in Beverly Hills.


He looks to Maddie for an out.  She moves closer to him and whispers.


Maddie:  Maybe we should stay, David.  Somebody should look at Bert’s head.


David:  On a regular basis.


He drops the keys into the attendant’s hand and addresses Bert.


David:  We’re right behind ya, Chief.


David takes Maddie’s arm, and they enter behind Bert.


~|~  ~|~  ~|~  ~|~  ~|~  ~|~  ~|~  ~|~






The room appears to be a combination lobby/admissions area.  Although its functionality makes it recognizable, it is quite different than you would see in a regular hospital.  It is well appointed and beautifully decorated – not an uncomfortable plastic chair in sight.  It is designer all the way…from the furniture to the window covering, to the art on the walls.  To one side of the room, there is a buffet table, laden with every kind of food imaginable, and a complete coffee and cappuccino service.


Behind the desk, nurses and attendants dressed in muted color uniforms speak in hushed tones. 


The serenity and peace are banished as Bert bursts into the room.


Bert:  Where is she?  Where’s my life?  We’re having a body you know.


In his haste, he fails to notice the man entering from a room to the right.  Bert crashed heavily into him.  The man tumbles backwards, over the sofa, and an end table, knocking a lamp onto the floor.  If his fall weren’t so athletic looking, it probably would be horrifying.


The man jumps quickly to his feet, as nurses scurry over to him, patting him down to make sure he’s not hurt.


Nurse:  Mr. Howell, are you hurt?  Can we get you anything?  I’ll get you a doctor.


Bert:  Get out of my way.  Why don’t you look what you’re giving?


Howell looks at Bert strangely.  David walks over, and recognizes the man.


David:  You’re C. Thomas Howell, the actor, aren’t you?


Howell:  Yes, I am.


David:  Are you all right?  I’m sorry, my friend is a little excited.


Howell:  And confused too, it seems.  Hey, I’m fine.  It’s a good thing I’ve had some stunt training – I did a few TV gigs as a stunt man early in my career.


Bert:  Big deal.  Your dad probably got you the job.


Howell:  Sorry to get in your way, man.  Guess I wasn’t paying attention – I just had a baby myself…a beautiful daughter named Isabelle.  Have a cigar.


He passes around cigars with bright pink bands.


Maddie smells her cigar, and wrinkles her nose.


Maddie:  Thank you, Mr. Howell.  Congratulations.


Howell looks Maddie up and down.


Howell:  You’re Maddie Hayes.  Still beautiful as ever. 


Maddie:  Thank you.


Howell:  Ok, I’ve gotta go phone the folks.


He smiles at Maddie.


Howell:  You’ll be here yourself before you know it… don’t smoke that cigar.  Isn’t it a great day?


He walks off, smiling broadly.


Maddie:  How sweet.  He’s so excited.


Bert bellows.


Bert:  I need help.  Where is she?  Agnes!!!


He moves over to the counter and reaches up to bang on the top.  The nurse smiles at him.


Nurse:  Are you Mr. Viola?  Our unexpected guest?  Come with me, your wife is in the intake room back here.


He casts a backwards glance at Maddie and David.


David:  Go sport….we’ll be right here if you need us.


David sits on the overstuffed sofa and gestures for Maddie to join him.


Nurse:  Please help yourselves to anything you’d like, and let me know if there’s anything I can get you.  We’ll keep you up to date on Mrs. Viola’s progress.


Maddie:  Thank you so much.


David:  This is a pretty nice place.


Maddie:  Celebrities are used to the very best.


David:  I could get used to the very best.


He smiles at her winningly.


David:  Who am I kidding?  I’ve got the very best.


He looks at the projection screen TV.


David:  Wonder if the Phillies game is on.  Maybe a movie.


He looks at Maddie, who is uncharacteristically quiet.  He puts his arm around her, and pulls her close.


David:  So what’s up, Blondilocks?


Maddie smiles.


Maddie:  Blondilocks?  You’re starting to sound like Bert.  Don’t you think we should get somebody to look at his head?


David:  Agnes will tell them if she thinks he needs it.  Now, why so pensive, Babycakes?


Maddie:  I guess it just hit me…..Agnes is having her baby today.  And in just a little while, we’ll be here…waiting to meet our own child.


David:  Well, we’ll be somewhere.  Not sure we are upscale enough to be here by design.


Maddie:  Speak for yourself.  But you’re right, Dr. Weed practices at Cedars.


She looks around.


Maddie:  We don’t need all this anyway…all these distractions.  When that day comes, I will be demanding your complete attention.


David:  Of course, the queen bee and the little princess….or prince.


He takes the cigar out of his pocket, and rolls it between his fingers, looking at it carefully.


David:  Speaking of which……


Maddie:  Here we go again.


David:  Well, how I am I supposed to know what color cigars to get?


Maddie:  I’ll spring for a box of each.


David:  But Maddie, it’s just practical.  Knowing whether we are having a boy or a girl.


Maddie:  My stars, David Addison, using the word practical….and in a sentence, no less.  My world is spinning.


David:  Well it just makes sense…technology what it is…to take advantage of all it has to offer us.


Maddie:  You just can’t stand not knowing.  I bet by Christmas morning, you had snooped out every single one of your presents.


David:  That’s for amateurs.  I found the stash of receipts in my Mom’s jewelry box.


Maddie:  You were a detective even then.


David:  Yep.  So how are we going to solve this?


Maddie:  Well, I think that unless we both want to know…then we shouldn’t.


David:  How convenient.  Well, I think that unless we both don’t want to know…then we should.


Maddie:  Looks like we’re at an impasse.


David:  You think I’m gonna give up, don’t you?  Give in to you?


Maddie just smiles at him.


David:  How about this?  Would you agree to a wager?


Maddie:  What kind of a wager?


David:  Not sure yet.  But the kind of a wager in which the winner gets to choose whether or not we buy bonnets or baseball caps.


Maddie:  I’m pretty sure we’ll be buying baseball caps, no matter what the sex is.


David:  So, you’ll think about it?


Maddie:  I’ll think about it.


The doors from the outside open, accompanied by some flashes from the paparazzi’s cameras.  A stretcher is wheeled in.  It holds a beautiful blonde woman.  She is practicing rhythmic breathing, coached by her husband.


David:  Hey, I know her.


Maddie:  Not in the biblical sense, I hope.


David: (excitedly) No, she’s the other blonde…the one in the other cell…the one who……


He moves over to the stretcher.


David:  Hey, I know you.  From the city jail……you’re Joan.


The woman looks towards her husband with wild eyes.


Man:  I’m Dan Ackroyd and this is my wife, Donna Dixon.  We’re actors.  I’m sure you’ll excuse us, but right now, we’re having a baby.


David addresses the woman.


David:  I couldn’t be wrong… made me realize I loved my partner…you told me to tell her…look, this is her, this is Maddie.


Maddie, still sitting on the couch looks at David strangely as does the blonde.


Ackroyd:  Listen, pal…….


The blonde shrieks.


Donna Dixon:  Don’t you stupid characters know the difference between TV and reality?  It was a job….an acting job!  Now get the hell out of my way, and let me push!


The orderlies roll the stretcher off camera.


Maddie:  What was that?


David:  Long story…..


A nurse wheels Agnes’s wheelchair over towards Maddie and David.  Bert follows behind, babbling a little bit.


Agnes:  I am a little worried about Bert.  He sounds a little like Bert, but some of the words are coming out wrong.


Bert:  Don’t worry, homey, I’m fine.


Agnes looks ready to burst into tears.


Agnes:  See?  He needs to see a doctor.


David:  We’ll take care of it.


Agnes looks at David and Maddie pleadingly.


Agnes:  Will you come into the delivery room with me?


David:  You and I don’t have that kind of a relationship, Agnes.


Agnes:  I meant Miss Hayes.


Maddie:  Of course I will Agnes, and David will take care of Bert.


Maddie and David step aside and have a whispered conference.


Daviod:  Are you sure you’re OK with this?


Maddie:  Of course, she needs me.  You just make sure that they take care of Bert.


David:  You don’t overdo it.  No super heroine stunts, Missy.  You’re pregnant too, you know.


Maddie:  (dryly)  No kidding!  Don’t hover, David, I’m fine.  But I am sure Agnes will feel a whole lot better knowing you’re taking care of Bert.


David:  Well, as much as anyone can take care of the little dadster.


David slides his arm around Maddie’s waist and pulls her close, whispering in her ear.


David:  Now Blondie blonde, you take advantage of this opportunity.  Pay attention and learn everything you can.


Maddie:  So we won’t be the dunces of the delivery room when it’s our turn?


David:  Don’t be sassy now.  I wouldn’t want to make you sit in the corner.  Or have to think up a different kind of punishment for you…..maybe a spanking?


Maddie:  Some days you are enough punishment for the both of us.  You just make sure to get Bert taken care of.


David salutes.


Maddie:  And David?


David:  And Maddie?


She softens her voice a little.


Maddie:  Be nice to him, David.  It’s a very important day for him and he’s probably going to miss some of the things he has been looking forward to.


David:  If the Doc says he’s OK, I’ll rush him right back there.


Maddie:  But not if he’s still a little “off”.  That would upset Agnes.


David:  In that case, she should be a bubbling basket case every day.


Maddie:  David!


He knows she means business.


David:  I promise.  You have fun now.


He throws his arm around Bert’s shoulders.


David:  Hey Bert, let’s go see a man about a mouse….then we’ll take some pictures.


Bert panics a little.


Bert:  But Agnes……..


David:  They’re going to get her settled right now, Bert, and Maddie is with her.   We need to get someone to noodle your noggin…so you know who you are when you meet your daughter.


Bert looks at David, a little uncertain, then decides to heed his advice.


Agnes is wheeled down the corridor.  She looks back, more than a little upset.


Bert:  You go ahead, Agnes.  I’ll get the camera out of the car and be right with you.


Agnes and Maddie disappear through the swinging doors.


Bert turns to David.


Bert:  Mr. Anderson, what’s a camera?


David steers Bert over to the nurse’s desk, and addresses the pretty woman behind the desk.


David:  I’d like your finest head man….for this not so fine head.


~|~  ~|~  ~|~  ~|~  ~|~  ~|~  ~|~  ~|~






This is a nicely decorated room, most decidedly masculine.  The air is thick with cigar smoke.


David and Bert sit amidst some star powered company.  Puffing away on cigars are Clint Eastwood, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sean Penn. 


David does his best to be cool, and fit in with this crowd, but Bert is a fish out of water.  He looks a bit like the little guy in the revolutionary war paintings, a band of gauze wrapped around his head.


Schwarzenegger takes a long pull on his cigar.


Schwarzenegger:   Here’s to my new son, Patrick.  How’s that for a strong name?


Eastwood sneers.


Eastwood:  Yeah, not like Arnold.


Schwarzenegger:  Yes, a manly name….for the son of a manly father.  What did you say again….you’re having a daughter?


Eastwood:  A daughter who I will raise to be strong and independent in her own world.


Bert mutters a little incoherently.


Bert:  We’re having a daughter.  My Agatha is in there now….pushing all by herself.


David:  Agnes, Bert.  Man that supports my decision not to let you in there.  Imagine calling the mother of your child the wrong name.


Schwarzenegger:  Well, I guess it could happen.


David:  I think only if you want to be disemboweled…or worse.  My friend here got hit on the head.  He’s not himself.


Bert:  If we had a boy, we were going to name him Americo Baldassare.


Eastwood:  Did you lose a bet?  I know, must be your wife’s father’s name.


Penn:  Did he say bald ass?


Bert:  It’s an old family name, been in my family for generations.


Penn:  Bet your boy’ll be glad he’s a girl.


Bert:  That’s not a very nice say to think.


Penn:  Is this guy whacked?  He talks funny.


David rolls his eyes at the camera, and mouths…”who talks funny?”


David:  Like I said, he got hit in the head.  So what kind of papoose are you expecting?


Penn:  Please don’t demean the Native Americans.


David:  I didn’t mean to…sorry. What is the sex of your future child?


Penn:  We are having a boy.  His name is Hopper Jack.


David starts to laugh, then chokes as he realizes Penn is serious.


David:  Hopper…..there’s a coincidence.  My partner and I have been calling our little expectation Bunny…it’s a short leap to Hopper.  Maybe I can talk her into it.


Eastwood:  Interesting name, Penn.  Are you aware that Hopper is slang for toilet?  That kid’s gonna have a blast in the schoolyard.


Penn:  He is named after two of our best friends – Dennis Hopper and Jack Nicholson.


David:  Jack…now there’s a good name.


Bert is in awe.


Bert:  You know Jack Nicholson?  Wow.


Schwarzenegger:  Jack is the man…..gotta agree with that.


Penn:  Best movie line ever….”You can’t handle the truth”.


David:  I’m kinda partial to, “Heeeere’s Johnny!”


Schwarzenegger:  Know what the first words I am going to say to Patrick are?  “Hasta la vista, baby.”


He laughs at his own joke.


Schwarzenegger:  Hmmmm.  I gotta hit the head.  I’ll be back!


Eastwood:  How about, “Go ahead, make my day”?


Penn:  Don’t break your arm patting yourself on the back, Eastwood.


Eastwood:  Let’s talk about your signature lines, Spicoli.  Not sure that “bogus” and “awesome” changed the world as we now know it.  Not quite like “Do you feel lucky?”


Penn:  Ah stuff it, Eastwood.  I’ll let my body of work speak for itself.


David and Bert are silent observers of the egofest.  Schwarzenegger returns.


Schwarzenegger:  I’m back.  So who wins the best line contest?  You two…….you decide.


Bert and David exchange glances.


David:  I’m taking the fifth here.


Bert:  I’ve gotta say, I’m a big fan of that guy who says, Yippee ki yay, middle finger.”


The others mutter….  oh him……”  cocky bastard”  “how many of those stupid movies do you think he’s gonna make?”


Schwarzenegger:  Well, I’m not.  You know, I turned that role down.


The others give him the “are you crazy?” look.


There is a knock on the door, and Maddie peeks in.


Maddie:  Oh my goodness, what is with this smoke?  Do you gentlemen know you are in a hospital?  You’re not allowed to smoke in here.


Arnold smirks.


Schwarzenegger:  It’s good to be king.


Bert starts to babble.


Bert:  Miss Hayes, is everything OK?  How’s Agnes?


Eastwood is ever the charming gentleman.


Eastwood:  Maddie Hayes.  Haven’t seen you in years.  Won’t you come in?


David smiles, and goes over to Maddie, still standing in the doorway.  He kisses her cheek.


David:  How are you?  How’s Agnes?


Schwarzenegger:  Wow, she’s yours?  Your stock just rose in my estimation, pal.


Maddie:  Can it, Arnold.


She whispers in David’s ear.


David:  For real?


Maddie nods.


David:  A dangling participle, huh?  What a trip.


He laughs, as Maddie looks kindly at Bert.


Maddie:  Mr. Viola, would you like to go and meet your child?


Bert whispers…almost in awe.


Bert:  My daughter…….


David:  Well…….


Maddie pokes him in the side, and gives him the ix-nay sign.


Maddie:  Let’s go see Agnes and the baby.


David:  Bye fellas.  It’s been nice breathing your air, such as it is.  Let’s do this again on Father’s Day.


He starts to leave…then turns back with a grin.


David:  I’m kinda partial to that yippee ki yay dude myself.


~|~  ~|~  ~|~  ~|~  ~|~  ~|~  ~|~  ~|~





Maddie and David hang back for a second as Bert enters the room.


Agnes sits up in the bed, holding her baby.  She looks beautiful, partially due to Maddie’s ministrations with hair and makeup brushes, but mostly due to happiness and excitement.  She wears tiny blue bows in her hair.


Bert rushes in, stopping stock still when he sees the picture they make.  His confusion seems to instantly disappear.


Agnes:  Hi honey.  How’s your head?


Bert:  It’s much better.  How are you?  You look just beautiful.


Agnes:  I’m fine.  I’m great great.  And so is our baby.


Bert walks towards the bed.  He leans down and kisses Agnes, then strokes the baby’s cheek, almost reverentially.


Bert:  She’s amazing!


Agnes:  I have a little surprise for you, Bert.  I’d like to introduce you to your son.


Bert is overwhelmed.


Bert:  But how….we saw the ultrasound…..


Agnes smiles at him.


Agnes:  As we’ve found out, I guess they can be misread.


Bert (in awe):  A SON!  I have a son!


He takes the baby from Agnes, and turns to Maddie and David who are standing quietly by the door, taking in the scene.


Bert:  Mr. Addison, Miss Hayes, I’d like to introduce you to our son……..Americo Baldassare Viola.


Maddie and David turn their heads towards Agnes, quite sure she is going to kibosh the name.


Agnes smiles.


Agnes:  Americo Baldassare will be his legal name.  But given the events of today……I think we’re gonna call him Mickey… if that’s all right with you, honey?


Bert:  All right?  It’s fitting, it’s perfect, it’s……..


David:  Kismet.


They all smile.


Agnes:  Yeah, kismet.


Maddie:  Well, we are going to say our goodbyes so that you two can spend time with Mickey.


She kisses Bert, then Agnes.


Maddie:  I am so proud of you, Agnes.  You did great.


Agnes:  I couldn’t have done it without you, Miss Hayes.  If I can ever return the favor…


David:  Nothing doing, my beauty.  You’re not taking my job.


He leans over and kisses Agnes on the cheek.


David:  He’s beautiful.  Just like his mother.


Agnes:  Thank you Mr. Addison.


David turns to Bert.


David:  Congratulations on the family jewels, Bert.


Bert: (grinning)  Thanks, Mr. A.  You’ve been a good friend…boss…friend?


David:  Friend.


Maddie:  Enjoy your baby.  We’ll see you soon.


David and Maddie exit as we focus on the vignette of the Viola family.





~|~  ~|~  ~|~  ~|~  ~|~  ~|~  ~|~  ~|~







Maddie and David are waiting for the valet to bring up their car.  Maddie looks tired but happy.  David looks hungry - and happy too.  He wraps his arm around Maddie.


David:  How are you doing there, Blondie?


Maddie:  I'm thrilled. I'm exhilarated.  I'm happy.  I’m great.  I'm really great.  I'm great great.


David:  And spending too much time with Agnes, I see.


Maddie:  Agnes was amazing.  She was beautiful.  She was remarkable. ... She was ...


David:  Amazing, remarkable, beautiful.  I get it.  What was it like?


Maddie:  Wonderful. Fantastic.  Incredible.  Miraculous.  I can’t describe it. 


David:  Doing good so far, Mrs. Roget.


Maddie:  You’ll just have to wait a few months.  You'll see.  Even you'll be speechless.


David:  Nice plot twist … the little cowboy instead of a little cowgirl.


Maddie:  See, there’s a good reason not to know…..the information could be wrong.  You'd get your hopes up and --


David:  Nice try there, Blondie.  Bert and Agnes didn’t seem too upset about repainting the nursery.


Maddie:  David.


David:  And they didn't do the test.  They did the ultrasound thing ... looking for shadows ... doesn't say much for the size of baby Viola's little package.


Maddie:  David.


David:  I'm just saying that the test Dr. Weed was running was more accurate - one hundred percent, she said.


Maddie:  Not changing my mind, David.


David is not shaken by her statement.  The car arrives.


David:  How about we get you something to eat?  You haven't eaten in over six hours - that must be a record for you.


Maddie:  You haven't eaten either and you smell like the back room of --.


David:  I may have inhaled ... but it was all second hand.


David taps his breast pocket and then produces two cigars out of it, one banded in pink and the other blue.


David:  I'm saving these babies until we know what the stork is bringing us.


Maddie:  Better put those in a safe place.  You have a four month wait.


He opens the door for her and lets her get in.


David:  (to himself) Oh ... that’s not that long ...


David tips the valet and gets in.


David:  So ... about this little wager we've got going on.


~|~  ~|~  ~|~  ~|~  ~|~  ~|~  ~|~  ~|~





The staff is sitting around wasting time.  O'Neill and Jergenson are playing desk football.  Magillicuddy is pitching cards into the waste basket.  Inez and Simmons are tossing a Nerf basketball back and forth.  Jamie and Kris are reading magazines.  There is no talking.  The office is quiet.  So, it looks pretty much like every other time we check in with the crew. 


The phone rings.  Jamie and Magillicuddy dive for the phone.  Magillicuddy wins.


Magillicuddy:  Blue Moon.


He listens.


Magillicuddy:  No we are very happy with our long distance service ... No ... No ... No ... look, I need to keep this line free. 


He slams the phone down.


Magillicuddy:  There ought to be a law.


The staff goes back to what they weren't doing.


Algernon steps out of David's office. 


Algernon:  Well, I think I have them all. 


O'Neill jumps up and starts to back away.


O'Neill:  YOU THINK!  YOU THINK?  You better be sure.


Algernon:  I'm sure. 


O'Neill:  You're sure you're sure?


Algernon:  I'm sure. 


Algernon didn't look sure. 


~|~  ~|~  ~|~  ~|~  ~|~  ~|~  ~|~  ~|~






Maddie steps out with David in hot pursuit.


David:  Rock, paper, scissors. 


Maddie:  No.


David:  Coin Toss. 


Maddie:  No.


David:  Draw a card.


Maddie:  No.


David:  Liar’s Poker. 


Maddie:  No.


~|~  ~|~  ~|~  ~|~  ~|~  ~|~  ~|~  ~|~





Maddie opens the door of the office and stops dead in her tracks as she sees the staff and the client still there. 


David:  Strip Poker.


He sees the staff and stops too.  They all stand up with eager little faces. 


David:  We're not paying you overtime.   


The Staff:  WELL??


Dvaid:  Well, what?


The Staff (in unison):  Did they have the baby?


Maddie:  (smiling broadly)  Yes.  A little boy.  Americo Baldassare Viola.  They are going to call him Mickey. Mother and son are doing well.


David:  The jury is still out on dad, but the doctors gave him a clean bill of health. 


From the back of the pack. 


Magillicuddy:  YES!  I knew it!  I knew it!


All eyes turn to him. 


Magillicuddy:  The pot is mine. 


Inez:  You had yesterday.


Magillicuddy: Closest without going over ... and I was the only one who said it was going to be a boy.


The staff starts arguing that the sex of the baby is not in play.  David whistles to stop them.


David:  The judges have ruled.  The pot goes to Magillicuddy. 


Lots of grumbling, but an envelope is pulled out of Simmons' desk and handed to Magillicuddy, who opens it and starts flipping through the bills. 


Maddie turns her attention to Algernon.


Maddie:  You're still here too?


Algernon:  I just got done collecting all my mice.  I think I have them all.


David and Maddie look toward David's office, a little worried. 


Algernon:  I'm sure I have them all.  I lost count when you brought me Ignatz's mice.  I will take care of them all.


Maddie:  I'm sure you will.  They are in much safer hands now. 


Algernon:  I can't thank you enough. 


Maddie notices something over Algernon's shoulder.  The dry erase board has been pulled up front and center.  Inez is wiping off the information from the Viola pool.  She wipes off "Baby Viola" and writes "Baby Hayes-Addison".  Maddie's eyes flare red.


Maddie:  No.  No.  No. 


David: Yeah, there’s no hyphen.


She walks over and takes the marker from Inez.


Maddie:  You are not betting on this baby.  No office pool.  No side bets.  Nothing.  Do you understand?


They all nod, like scolded children. 


David:  Come on, Maddie.  It's just a little morale booster. 


Maddie:  We are going to have to start hosting Gamblers’ Anonymous meetings here.


David:  Maddie. It’s harmless.


Maddie glares at him.  Her face is angry but it flickers with fear.  David immediately registers it and needs to support her. 


David:  But, you're right.  No betting on my kid.  Ok kids?


They nod again and all go back to their desks.


Algernon:  How can I ever thank you?


A light goes on over David's head.  He has an idea.


David:  Algernon, Maddie and I are trying to find a way to settle a ... a little ... a difference of opinion. 


Maddie:  No, David. 


David:  Maybe you can help us. 


Maddie:  No, David. 


David:  How about a little race ... right here ... right now ... head to head ... with two of your mice ... mouses ... racers?


Algernon:  A little unorthodox ... but I can do it, sure.


Maddie:  No, David. 


David:  Yes, Maddie.  Are you afraid you're going to lose?  


Maddie:  No, David.  This is a matter for discussion, not a wager.


David:  You won't change your mind.


Maddie:  I won't.


David:  And neither will I. 


Maddie:  Fine.


David:  Fine.


Maddie:  Good.


David:  Good.


Maddie:  So?


David:  So if you don't do this little race with me ... I won't stop hounding you day and night ... night and day ... until I wear you down and I will win.  And you know I will. 


Maddie:  You are nothing if not relentless. 


David:  I got you, didn't I?


Maddie smiles. 


Maddie:  Alright ... two conditions ... if I win, you don't say another word on the subject ... not a peep, not a sound, not a syllable. 


David:  Recycling old dialogue, but I agree. 


Maddie:  And I get to choose my mouse first. 


David:  Fine. 


Maddie:  Fine.


They look to Algernon, who is ready to set up the race.  The staff has been watching and getting very interested.  Behind Maddie's back (literally), money starts to change hands. 


Maddie looks at Algernon.


Maddie:  Count Camembert? 


Algernon nods. 


Maddie:  (determined) Count Camembert!


David feels like he has been tricked.


David:  Fine.  I take Mrs. Brisby.


Algernon:  I am not familiar with a mouse by that name. 


David:  I know exactly which one she is.  Fastest feet this side of the Pecos.


Algernon gets to work setting up a makeshift track.  David goes to the mouse cage and finds his mouse.  He had no idea if it is Mrs. Brisby or not, but it looks like a fast mouse (as much as any mouse looks fast).  When Algernon is done, he takes Count Camembert out of the cage along with David's mouse and waits at the start point. 


Maddie:  You agree to my terms?


David:  I do.  Do you know what's at stake?


Maddie:  We find out the gender of the baby before it is born. 


David:  On ... no, no, no. ... thought you were going to trick me, huh?  I am wise to you, baby cakes.  You'd say ten minutes before the birth is before it is born.


Maddie smiles her evil smile.


David:  No.  We find it out in the next twenty-four hours.   


Maddie:  Fine.


She sticks out her hand.  David takes it.  They shake.


David:  Fine. 


Maddie:  Start the race.


Algernon places both mice at the makeshift starting gate. 


David leans into Maddie.


David:  Can you tell them apart?


Maddie:  No, but he can.


Algernon releases them and starts to call the race.  The staff starts cheering.


Algernon:  And they're off.  Mrs. Brisby is fast out of the gate, but Count Camembert is in hot pursuit.  It's Mrs. Brisby by a length.  A half a length.  A nose.  Count Camembert has taken the lead.  It's Count Camembert by a length.  Two lengths.  The WINNER!!!! Count Camembert by three lengths. 


Maddie turns and smiles at David.


Maddie:  I win. 


Over his shoulder she sees money being passed back and forth between the staff as bets are paid off. 


Maddie:  DAVID!!


David turns and sees what is going on too.


David:  I am shocked!  Shocked to find that gambling is going on here.


MacGillicuddy:  (handing him some money) Your winnings, Mr. Addison.


David:  (taking the money)  Oh, thank you.


Maddie:  David!!!


David grins and wraps an arm around her turning her toward the door.


David:  Need to take my little mama home.  It's been a long day.  Thanks Algernon.  We'll send you our bill.  Magillicuddy ... lock up.


Maddie:  David!


David:  Maddie, you won.  Be happy. 


Maddie:  I did win, didn't I?  I love meeces to pieces. 


They slip out.




~|~  ~|~  ~|~  ~|~  ~|~  ~|~  ~|~  ~|~






Maddie is on the couch, half sitting, half reclining.  Her eyes are drooping a little, but she has a small smile on her face.


David comes in through the front door, dropping Miss Me’s leash.  She runs over to Maddie, jumping up and pawing her legs.  Maddie pulls herself up and pats the dog’s head.


David comes over, takes off her leash and speaks to her.


David:  Ok, Missy, go find your ball.


The dog trots off, and he turns to Maddie.


David:  Can tell she’s your dog.  Made about five pit stops on the walk.


Maddie:  Poor thing…left home for hours alone.


The dog scampers by, pushing a huge red ball with her nose.


David:  Yeah, she looks devastated.


He looks at Maddie and smiles.


David:  Move over, Slim.


She slides over a bit, and waits till he gets onto the sofa before she punches him in the arm.


David:  That’s gonna leave a mark.


Maddie:  Too bad.


They sit there quietly for a moment.


David:  Sooooo….quite a day.


Maddie:  Very draining, but very satisfying.  Bert and Agnes looked very happy.


David:  That’s quite an interesting family that Americo Baldassare is joining.


Maddie:  They’ll do just fine.


David:  So listen…how long do we have off?


Maddie:  Six weeks.  The writers insisted.


David:  Wimps.  So this is the finale?


Maddie:  Of season 9, yes.


David:  Short season.


Maddie:  That’s why we’re taking such a short break.  Need to revitalize for the fall, but…


She pats her belly.


Maddie:  Tempus fugit.


David:  Tempus for a girl…or a boy?


Maddie:  That topic is closed.


David pouts for a moment.


David:  I have an idea.


Maddie:  Be still my heart.


David:  Did you ever hear of a babymoon?


Maddie:  A new moon, a blue moon, a crescent moon…but never a babymoon.


David:  It’s a vacation….for the parents to be… a last little fling before our new little resident moves into the house.


Maddie:  I don’t know, David.  Not sure I am in the best shape to be doing any flinging.


David:  C’mon Maddie…a nice, restful week or so.  We’ve got the time…and thanks to Mrs. Brisby, we’ve got some money.


Maddie:  We’ve got to decorate the nursery, buy a layette, register for Lamaze classes…


David:  Six weeks, Maddie.  We’ve got lots of time.


We can see the wheels turning in his head.  He eyes her, cagily.


David:  It could be my consolation prize…for losing the bet.


Maddie smiles.


Maddie:  When you put it that way, how could I refuse?


David stands and pulls her up, steering her towards the stairs.  They converse as they climb.


Maddie:  Maybe Santa Barbara…a nice spa.


David:  How about the beach……surf, sand, bikinis……?


Maddie:  A cruise?  A nice relaxing cruise……


David:  Or Vegas, baby, Vegas!


Maddie:  David!


David:  Maddie!


They disappear from view.  David’s voice drifts down the empty staircase.


David:  Better call Algy to bring a couple of those mice back.


Cue music:


Baby, seems we never ever agree
You like the movies
And I like T.V.
I take things serious
And you take 'em light
I go to bed early
And you party all night
Our friends are sayin'
We ain't gonna last
‘Cause I move slowly
And baby you’re fast
I like it quiet
And you love to shout
But when we get together
It just all works out

I take two steps forward
You take two steps back
We come together
‘Cause opposites attract
And you know-it ain't fiction
Just a natural fact
We come together
‘Cause opposites attract

Who'd of thought we could be lovers
She makes the bed
And he steals the covers
She likes it neat
And he makes a mess
You take it easy
Baby I get obsessed
She's got the money
And he's always broke
I don't like cigarettes
And you like to smoke
Things in common
Just ain't a one
But when we get together
We have nothin' but fun

You take two steps forward
I take two steps back
We come together
‘Cause opposites attract
And you know-it ain't fiction
Just a natural fact
We come together
‘Cause opposites attract

Baby ain't it somethin'
How we lasted this long?
You and me
Provin' everyone wrong
Don't think we'll ever
Get our differences patched
Don't really matter
“Cause we're perfectly matched


 You take two steps forward
I take two steps back
We come together
‘Cause opposites attract
And you know-it ain't fiction
Just a natural fact
We come together
‘Cause opposites attract


~|~  ~|~  ~|~  ~|~  ~|~  ~|~  ~|~  ~|~ X ~|~  ~|~  ~|~  ~|~  ~|~  ~|~  ~|~  ~|~  X ~|~  ~|~  ~|~  ~|~  ~|~  ~|~  ~|~  ~|~



Virtual Season Nine Finale --- Look for season ten to start in the middle of September. 


Thank you all for a great season!!


Keep checking back and we will keep you posted.


~|~  ~|~  ~|~  ~|~  ~|~  ~|~  ~|~  ~|~ X ~|~  ~|~  ~|~  ~|~  ~|~  ~|~  ~|~  ~|~  X ~|~  ~|~  ~|~  ~|~  ~|~  ~|~  ~|~  ~|~



Music Credits:

Agnes’ “Sixteen Tons” is a parody, the heart and soul of which comes from our dear Connie.  The original “Sixteen Tons” is from the 1950s and the most well know version is by Tennessee Ernie Ford


More Today then Yesterday by The Spiral Starecase


The Theme from Mighty Mouse



Opposites Attract by Paula Abdul





Diane:  There are an amazing number of acknowledgements needed for this episode.  First, I guess we’d better give kudos to YouTube, without which we never would have even known that mouse racing existed.  Subsequently, both Google and Wikipedia were constant sources of both information and amusement as we put this episode together.


Lizzie:  Was shocked to find a list of fictional mice and rats on Wikipedia --->   Who knew? 


Diane:  The names of our supporting characters have come from various sources.  Algernon is the laboratory mouse from the Daniel Keyes novel, Flowers for Algernon.  Ignatz is the antagonist from the “Krazy Kat” cartoons.


Lizzie:  Cameo appearances by many - some of the names were ... mouseized.  So we would like to thank the REAL race horses:  Seabiscuit, Eqipoise, Secretariat, Man o' War, Snicklefritz.  And Alexander Dumas for the mousizing of his famous Musketeers.    Mrs. Brisby was from the movie THE SECRET OF NIMH (United Artists, 1982) who based that character on the book Mrs. Frisby and the Rats of NIMH by Robert C O'Brien.  Speedy Gonzales from Warner Bros (you guys ROCK).  Willard from WILLARD the movie (Columbia 1971).  The Rat King from Tchaikovsky's awesome THE NUTCRACKER ballet.  Tempelton from Charlotte's Web by E.B. White.  Dormouse from Alice in Wonderland by Lewis Carroll.  Chuck E Cheese for all the pizza kids eat every day.   


Diane:  We thank the creators of Hanna-Barbera’s Top Cat, Mr. Jinx and Pixie and Dixie, Terrytoons  Mighty Mouse, and  Disney’s Mickey and Minnie as well as Cinderella.  Also a tip of the hat to Paramount Pictures’ “The Godfather” and Fox’s “The X-Files.


Lizzie:  We want to thank the writers, producers, director, actors and crew of the movie STALAG 17 (Parmount 1953), for the inspirational mouse race.  Watch it here on Youtube -->


Diane:  We’ve taken a few liberties with the Father’s lounge scene.  While all of the celebrities became parents in 1993, it is unlikely they would have all been in the same hospital at the same time.  But it tickled us to think of the possibilities… we ran with it.  Hope it works for you! Jen gets some major kudos for the inspiration on this one!


Lizzie:  We owe George and Lennie to George and Lennie from Of Mice and Men by John Steinbeck.


Diane:  We’d like to acknowledge --


Lizzie:  Oh ... Oh ...Don't forget Casablanca (Warner Bros. 1942) and Claude Rains for being SHOCKED!!!   Sorry, Diane, go ahead. 


Diane:  We’d like to acknowledge the Atkins Diet plan, which contributed greatly to our extensive knowledge of cheeses.


Lizzie:   Yeah we LOVE Atkins ... it may work, but what I wouldn't give for a cookie.  Hey If You Give a Mouse a Cookie ... isn't that a book too by Laura Joffee Numeroff?  On no ... we missed a mouse.


Diane:  To the cast and crew of Moonlighting, who after all these years, seem more like virtual friends and family.  We hope they would be proud of the way we have carried on.


Lizzie:  We love you guys even this many years later.  Also like to thank AIM and our various ISPs for allowing us to collaborate with 3000 real miles between us. 


Diane:  To the Virtual Team, past, present and future….and most especially to Jen and Connie for helping us to breathe new life into Virtual Moonlighting.  Your joy and enthusiasm are contagious, and heartwarming.  Thank you.


Lizzie:  To the Virtual Fans who make the effort that much more fun.  We count on you all.


Diane:  For Lizzie……there are no words that are adequate.  It feels like we have been friends forever, although it has been just about ten years… are one constant in my life that I can always count on.  This was perhaps the most challenging episode that we have done together, and I know I am not always easy.  Thank you for putting up with me, quirks, flaws and faults.  You are the best…an amazing talent and an amazing friend.  I know I am better for having known you and worked with you.


Lizzie:  Diane ... back at you babe.  We may not have been of one mind on this episode all the time, but I think we have a winner and as always your BETA (more than BETA, BETA+) is the best.  Good friends like you are impossible to find.  I count myself lucky.  Here's to Season 10 and the next 10 years for us.