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Episode One   |   Episode Two   |   Chairman of the Bored   |   Chairman of the Bored II   |   Smeared Window   |   Episode Six   |   Gosh Golly Gee, Maddie   |   Cold Feet, Warm Heart   |   Episode Nine   |   Episode Ten   |   Dog...Cat...Man...Woman   |   She's a Little Bit Country, He's a Little Bit R&B   |   Episode Thirteen   |   Scenes of the Crime   |   The Wedding: Part One   |   The Wedding: Part Two   |   The Wedding: Part Three   |   Episode Nineteen   |   Episode Twenty   |   Maximum Insecurity   |   Hooked on a Feeling
Maximum Insecurity

Act I  David's Apartment

           Early morning

The camera pans David's bedroom, passing a clock that shows 7:30 A.M.  We close in on the bed, focusing on David.  He is sprawled out, practically hanging off the right side, with a sheet covering just enough to keep the censors comfortable.

David begins to stir, and his eyes slowly open.  He blinks several times and tries to focus.  He looks down at his lack of coverage and shivers.  He reaches out his arm towards the other side of the bed.

David:  Yo, Maddie.  Give up some of those blankets…..I'm freezing!  Or, better still, why don't you come over here, and we'll figure out how to get me warm.

He lunges for the pile of comforters and comes up with - a pile of comforters!  No Maddie!

He lies in bed and tries to regroup - no running water in the bathroom, no visible evidence of Maddie in the room - no clothes, no accessories, no cosmetics.

He rises, wrapping the sheet around his torso, and wanders into the other rooms, occasionally tossing out a halfhearted "Maddie?"

He returns to the bedroom, and plops himself down on the weight bench.

He thinks to himself:

David:  Where the hell did she go?  No note…no discussion…no goodbye.

He shivers again…and it's not from the cold.  This scene suddenly seems very familiar…here yesterday, gone today, where tomorrow?  Can this be a repeat of the past?  Can it be that this woman only has a happiness threshold of three and a half weeks before she heads for the hills?

He scratches his head.

David:  Everything seems to be going so well - we're spending almost all of our time together, and enjoying each other's ……ummmm, everything.  This is the happiest I can remember being in a long time.

He takes a deep breath.

David:  I'm probably overreacting.  Chill, Addison, you're jumping to ridiculous conclusions - there's probably a simple explanation.  She probably forgot something she needed at home.  She'll be back any old time to pick you up for work.  By the time you're out of the shower, she'll be sitting outside, leaning on the horn.

He exits towards the bathroom.  We hear the shower running and watch the hands of the clock circle until they reach 8:45 A.M. - and still no Maddie.  David is dressed and pacing his living room, talking to himself.

David:  This can't be happening again.  It's some sort of an oversight, a misunderstanding.  Maybe she told me about this, and I wasn't listening….that's been known to happen.

He picks up his briefcase, and after a last long look around the living room, he exits.

Scene:  the corridor outside the Blue Moon Detective Agency

David Addison storms out of the elevator, muttering to himself.  He turns the corner and WHAM - collides with a stately blonde.  They both go flying.  Sprawled on the hall carpet, they size each other up warily.  David is the first to break the silence.

David:  Well, if it isn't Hit and Run Hayes.  Although, to be more precise, I guess it's Run and Hit Hayes.

David rises from the floor and extending his hand, pulls Maddie up to a standing position.

Maddie:  No running, no hitting -  just coming down the corridor, minding my own business...

David: Minding your own business?  You couldn't have been.  Isn't your own business thataway?

He jerks his thumb towards the other end of the corridor.

David:  And here you are, headed in the opposite direction.  Where ya goin', partner?  And maybe more importantly, what happened to you this morning?

Maddie has the grace to look embarrassed.

Maddie:  David, I'm sorry.  I should have told you, left you a note.  I've got something to take care of this morning.

David's attitude softens.  He runs his hands down her arm, and leans in towards her.  He plants a kiss in the general vicinity of her ear and whispers…

David:  I hate it when you're not there to say good morning to……I had a very special good morning planned today.

Maddie smiles, and holds her hand on his cheek for a moment.

Maddie:  Can you put me on your schedule for tomorrow?

David:  I'll check my dance card.  Well, look at that……Maddie, Maddie, Maddie…..guess you're covered.  Although covered is not the picture I had in mind…….

Maddie:  Let's not go there.

David:  Speaking of go there…..where is the there you are going?

Maddie : Where?  There?

David:  Yes, where?  There?

Maddie becomes noticeably uncomfortable.

Maddie:  David, it's just an appointment.  No big deal.

David:  Well, if it's no big deal, then is the big deal telling me about it?

Maddie hesitates for a moment, and then replies.

Maddie:  Why are you badgering me about this?

David:  Was that what I was doing, badgering?  I thought I asked a simple question.

Maddie:  You did?  Well, how about this?  You're a detective - why don't you figure it out?

David physically retreats back a step, and observes her thoughtfully, saying nothing.

Maddie:  I'm sorry.  I didn't mean to sound so……well, you know.

David remains silent.

Maddie:  If you must know, I'm on my way to traffic court.

David:  Traffic court??

Maddie cringes at his tone.

David: Pray tell, Ms. Pillar of the Community, why do you need to go to traffic court?

Maddie:  It's nothing, merely a case of mistaken identity.  I should have no problem getting it resolved.

She begins to get  a bit excited.

Maddie:  Of course, I have spent hours trying to get it resolved.  Some people just don't listen…..I told them where I was, that I couldn't possibly have been the one involved in the incident……but would they listen?  NO!  Just suffice it to say I am right and I will prove it in court.

David:  Well, of course you were right…that's a no-brainer.  But look at you, Maddie.  Such passion, such fervor - why waste it on traffic court?  Pay the guy the ten bucks and let's you and I figure out a way that we could relieve all that tension.

She fairly shrieks.

Maddie:  It's not the ten bucks…it's the principle of the thing, David.  Have you ever heard of principle?

David:  Sure, he's the guy I spent a lot of time with when I was in high school.

Maddie:  David, sometimes you are just a preposterous human being…and you are making me late!

David:  But I'm loveable.  Tell you what, I'll go with you.  I'm sure I can help.  At your service, David Addison, character witness extraordinaire.

Maddie:  God, no!  You going with me would guarantee me a sure path to the electric chair.  David - listen to me - you may not come!  This is something I need to do myself!  Do anything else you want today - have a limbo party, a poker game.  Just don't let me see you anywhere near that courthouse.

David stares at her silently for a moment, then responds.

David:  Yeah, I guess you're probably right.  You'll need somebody to call for the bail.

Maddie:  Very unlikely.  Thank you, David, this shouldn't take long at all.  I'll be back before you know it.

She blows him a kiss as she heads down the corridor, and enters the elevator.

David mutters aloud to himself.

David:  Something's going on here……..

He stands for a moment, thinking, then looks directly into the camera.

David:  So, what do you think?  Yeah, me too.  Of course I'm goin'.  I'm just giving her a little bit of a head start.

He turns and heads towards the elevator, breaking into an enthusiastic chorus of "I Fought the Law, and the Law Won."

                                                            COMMERCIAL BREAK

Act II  Traffic Court

            City of Los Angeles

The camera pans a small room.  This is not a Perry Mason, L.A. Law kind of courtroom.  It is furnished with metal desks and folding chairs - definitely a cut-rate version of  our legal system in action.

There is a large group of people seated on the folding chairs.  Most are casually dressed, to say the least.  Maddie's entrance into the room draws a great deal of interest.  She heads to the front of the room, and excusing herself, climbs over several people and sits in the last chair next to the wall.  She sits with her briefcase on her lap, nervously assessing her surroundings.

David enters the room quietly.  He blends with the surroundings, head tucked into his chest, collar of his trench coat up around his face.  He sneaks into the last row of chairs, near the wall, about six rows back from Maddie.

Some court officers enter, and the murmuring in the room quiets as the bailiff speaks.

Bailiff:  Traffic court of the city of Los Angeles is now in session.  The Honorable Sarah Jackson presiding.  Order in the court!

Judge Jackson is a woman in her early fifties, who seems to have been doing this for quite some time.  She casts a jaded eye around the room, and addresses the bailiff.

Judge:  Let's get this show on the road.  Who's first?

Bailiff:  Case number 1206-01 Archie Mc Dougall.

Judge:  Mr. Mc Dougall, how do you plead?

McDougall:  Not guilty, Your Honor.

The Judge glances over at the Bailiff.

Judge:  Another day in traffic court…how refreshing - not guilty!  OK, tell us your story.

Mc Dougall rants on with a wild story about a truck filled with chickens, the freeway, and daylight savings time.  Judge Jackson listens patiently until Mc Dougall finishes his tale.

Judge:  Very inventive, Mr. Mc Dougall.  Judgement is guilty - fifty dollar fine plus court costs, or thirty days in jail.  Next case.

We then flash quickly through three more cases.

Defendant Number 1:  My dog jumped up and hit the emergency brake.

Judge:  Guilty!

Defendant Number 2:  The light wasn't red, it was yellow.

Judge:  Guilty!

Defendant Number 3:  If it weren't for that oil slick in the middle of the road……

Judge:  Guilty!  One hundred dollar fine, and attendance at traffic school within the next three months.

The last defendant slinks off.  The judge is starting to look fairly pleased with herself.  With any luck, she might be home to watch The Young and the Restless.

Bailiff:  Next case, Madolyn Hayes.

Maddie rises, and carries her briefcase to the desk in the front of the room.  She removes a pile of folders.  The judge and the bailiff watch her with amusement.

The entire courtroom observes, and David sits up straight in the back of the room and listens attentively.

Judge:  Miss Hayes, are you ready now?

Maddie:  Yes, Your Honor.

Judge:  And how do you plead?

Maddie:  Not guilty, Your Honor.  And if it please the court, I would like to make an opening statement.  I will prove, beyond a shadow of a doubt……..

The judge interrupts

Judge:  Miss Hayes, this is traffic court, not the Nuremberg trials.  Just answer the questions.

Maddie:  But I……………

Judge:  Just speak when you're spoken to.  Now, let's see if we can move this along.   Let me explain this to you - using the very latest technology for which this city paid millions of dollars,  we have captured your car on film for posterity.  These pictures are so good, we should be selling souvenir copies in the lobby.

The judge sorts through a pile of pictures.

Judge:  Here we see your 1985 BMW - you do own a metallic gold 1985 BMW, correct?

Maddie is beginning to boil, unhappy at the judge's condescending attitude.

Maddie:  Yes, Your Honor.

Judge:  Here we see that same BMW photographed so that the license plate is visible - California license plate number 2DQ0781.  Would this be your license plate number, Miss Hayes?

Maddie:  Yes, Your Honor.

Judge:  Here we see this car, speeding through a light that is obviously red.  Would you like to see these pictures, Miss Hayes?

Maddie:  (a little testy)  No, I would not, Your Honor.

Judge:  And why would that be, Miss Hayes?

Maddie:  Because that is not my car, Judge Jackson.

The Judge speaks as if she were addressing a child.

Judge:  Miss Hayes, you agreed that you own a metallic gold 1985 BMW, license number 2DQ0781.  This car is in this picture, clearly violating the law by speeding, and failure to stop at a signal.  Now what could be in question?

Maddie:  That is not my car.  I have definitive proof here that my car was not in that area at any time close to when those pictures were taken.

Judge:  Miss Hayes, definitive proof is what I have here in my hands.

Maddie:  I am afraid it is not.  I have statements, pictures, mileage reports, gas receipts, time cards……all adding up to the fact that my car was in the parking garage of my office building at the time in question.

Judge:  And how then, Miss Hayes, do you explain these pictures?

Maddie:  I don't.

Judge:  You don't ?

Maddie:  I have all the definitive proof I need right here, if you would look at it.  Can you prove to me that those pictures are legitimate?  I'm a private detective - I know what can be done with photos.

You can almost see steam coming out of the judge's ears.

Judge:  Surely, Miss Hayes, I am not hearing you accuse the city of Los Angeles of doctoring photos?

Maddie opens her mouth to speak, as David jumps into action.  He races to the front of the courtroom, and grabs Maddie's arm.

David:  Cousin Maddie, thank goodness I found you!  It's so frightening when you wander off alone.

David addresses the judge.

David:  Your Honor, I try to keep my eye on her, but she's such a slippery little devil.  Her nurse told me that the worst thing to do is to upset her.

Maddie has blood in her eye.

Maddie:  David!!

Judge:  Who are you?  Miss Hayes, who is this man?

Maddie elbows David in the ribs, and responds to the judge.

Maddie:  This is my business partner, David Addison.

Judge:  And exactly what is his part in these proceedings?

Maddie:  (glaring at him)   Damned if I know.

David:  Judge, I am here to present myself as a character witness for Miss Hayes.

Maddie:  You're a character, all right. Listen very carefully - I don't need your help.

David:  Take it from me kid, I've been watching from the back.  Yes, you do!

The judge is watching this whole scene with rapidly shrinking patience.

Judge:  If you two don't mind, may I interrupt?  I would like to get out of here while the current administration is still in office.  Miss Hayes, you have one more minute to present your case.

Maddie:  (noticeably angry)  I think I have made myself perfectly clear, and I have presented sufficient evidence, which you have not looked at, to prove that it was not my car.

Judge:  And I'm telling you, you have not.

Maddie:  Well, I beg to differ with you.  You have not even deigned to look at my evidence.

The entire crowd in the courtroom lets out a groan…………

Judge:  Miss Hayes, I would tread very lightly here if I were you.

David:  Girls, girls, no need to fight.  In fact, if you want to fight, I might have an excellent suggestion - Jell-o wrestling.  We'll get a big pool, fill it with a whole lot of cherry Jell-o …..Maddie, I see you in a white bikini….Judge Judy, maybe a black one for you……..

The judge slams down her gavel.

Judge:  I have had quite enough of this circus.

Maddie:  Well, better a circus than a kangaroo court…..and I am the one being bounced on.

Judge:  Miss Hayes, I warned you.  You are in contempt of court.  Let's see if an overnight stay, courtesy of the city, might make you a bit more rational, and respectful.  And as for you, Mr. Partner, you have about one minute to get out of my courtroom before I find a place for you up the river.  Bailiff, please see Miss Hayes to our finest accommodations.  Court is in recess for fifteen minutes.

The judge exits the door behind her desk.

David looks at Maddie pleadingly.

David:  Maddie……

Maddie glares at him with an icy blue stare.

Maddie:  I hate you, Addison.  You couldn't leave well enough alone, could you?  You couldn't do what I asked you.

David stands helplessly as she is ushered out the door.  He shouts after her.

David:  I'll wait for you, Maddie, no matter how long it takes.  I'll be there on visiting day - I'll bring cookies for the guards.

He looks into the camera.

David:   God, it's tough being in love with a criminal!

He exits the courtroom door.


Act III:  Los Angeles City Jail

Maddie sits in a general holding cell.  There are three other women in the cell. They are obviously prostitutes. Maddie leans against the bars at the front of the cell.

Prostitute Number 1:  Hey blondie, what're ya in for?

Maddie:  Contempt of court.

The women laugh loudly.

Prostitute Number 1:  What are you, a lawyer or something?

Maddie:  No, a private investigator.

Prostitute Number 2:  So, how were you in contempt?

Maddie:  Well, I told the traffic court judge……….

She is interrupted by raucous laughter.

Prostitute Number 2:  Traffic Court?  Honey, why didn't you just pay the ten dollars?

Maddie just rolls her eyes, and puts her head in her hands.

David enters through a door on the left.  He is accompanied by a uniformed guard.  He shakes the guard's hand, and pats him on the shoulder.  The guard grins and exits.

David:  So, Ma Barker, let's say you and me figure out a way to break outta this joint?

Maddie:  (not raising her head)  I can't believe I'm hearing your voice.

David:  Thought they'd send you to the gas chamber without a final request, huh?

Maddie:  Right about now, you don't want to know what my final request would be.

The rest of the female population has been observing the interaction, and starts to comment.

Hooker #1:  Hey honey, if she don't want you, I'll take you.

Others:  Yeah……….Hey man……….That's right.

Hooker #2:  Hey handsome, if you want to revise your thinking, maybe a lower maintenance woman is the way to go.  I could probably help you with that.

David:  Sorry ladies, but I'm spoken for…….

Maddie:  Don't speak so soon.  How did you get in here anyway?

David:  My buddy Smitty….Saturday night poker pal…hell of a guy.

Maddie:  Great, now I will probably be arrested for having unauthorized visitors.  I'm in jail, Addison, jail!!  One of my top ten aspirations in life - graduate from college, become a model, end up in the slammer………

David:  Meet the man of your dreams anywhere in there?

Maddie:  Stop changing the subject.  I could just kill you - why couldn't you just leave it alone - leave me alone!

David:  You're blaming this on me?

Maddie:  Who else?  I had this all under control.

They both begin to shriek at the same time.

             Maddie:                                                            David:

            And you think this is my fault?  I                   Under control?  Honey, trust me, one             can't believe you!  David, why do              thing you didn't have in that room

            you always do this?  There I am,                   was control!  So I figure - what the

            handling things perfectly well, in                      hell, I'd try and help get you out of a

            a professional manner.  I look up                    jam.  A little friendly chat, a couple  

            and there you are, acting like a                  of smiles and a wink for the judge

            refugee from the fifth grade.  What                and we would have been on our way

            makes you assume that I can't handle                to lunch.  Did I get a thank you?  Of

            things on my own?  Here's dumb old                   course not!  Instead you carry on just

            Maddie, I'd better jump in and rescue like I shoved you in there and locked

            her.  Well, get this, Sir Galahad, I'm                   the cell door.  You're in here for one

            perfectly capable of handling things             reason only - you had to do this all

            on my own - I've done it before and                   by yourself!  Had you asked me to

            I'll do it again.  So instead of always              help instead of keeping this some

            watching to make sure I don't cause                deep, dark, secret, we could have

            the destruction of the world, you need     worked this all out together.  But

            to just back off, David!  Try leaving             no, here you sit, in the middle of this

            me alone - just for a little while, at             bevy of beauties, instead of home

            least.                                                                with me where you belong.

They stop speaking simultaneously.

David:  Did you say leave you alone?

Maddie:  Yes…………………..David, listen to me.  Really listen.  I didn't want to have this conversation here.  But there is a conversation to be had - and it's not about that three-ring circus that happened in that courtroom.

David:  Yeah, and what would it be about?

Maddie:  To put it quite simply David, you're crowding me.

David:  (smiling)  Honey, I haven't begun to crowd you!

Maddie:  Don't start, David.  I'm being serious.

David:  Serious….but of course.  Isn't this a day that ends in a "Y"?

Maddie glares at him without a word.  David wants to speak some words of comfort - to touch her, to run his hand through her hair.  He thinks better of it - she'd probably bite it off at the wrist!  He tries a different approach.

David:  Maddie, talk to me.  Tell me what's really wrong.

Maddie:  David, I hate it when you pull this macho act - you Tarzan, me stupid.  Why do you men act like we women can't resist you - why do you think we need you for every little thing - for love, for sex, for managing all the details?

David:  Maddie, what are you talking about?

Maddie:  Your reactions in that courtroom say to me that you don't trust me to be able to act on my own, to act separately from you.

David is incredulous.

David:  When did I say that?  I don't remember saying any of those things.  I thought I was saying I love you.

Maddie seems to soften a bit, but still has a point to bring home.

Maddie:  David, this is about us - you and me - and the fact that just because we've decided we want to be together doesn't mean we need to be together 24/7.

David:  I thought we liked being together.  I thought that was the purpose of a relationship.

Maddie:  I love being with you, David.  I love you!  But we are two different people and there has to be time for each of those two people.  I don't want to crawl inside your skin - and you don't really want to crawl inside mine.

David:  I wouldn't mind crawling into your skin!

Maddie:  You're making fun of me, and I am very serious about this.  You don't give me the option of making my own choices - you take the control out of my hands.

David:  Maddie, can you stand there and honestly tell me you think I am the controlling person in this relationship?  I'd be really interested in your viewpoint on this - can you pinpoint exactly when this happened?

Maddie:  I don't want to do this, David.  My point here is this - we need to continue to make individual decisions, pursue our own interests.  I need to continue to be the person who you've known and supposedly loved for the last five years.  If we can't work this out, I don't think there's a chance in the world we can make this work.

David reacts as if he has been slapped.  He stands silently for several moments, then finally speaks.  He is very angry.

David:  Well Maddie, here is how I see it.  You're avoiding again - I supposedly loved you for five years?  If you were serious about this, you couldn't say anything like that - or even think it!  God, I thought the day you would come back to me would be the day they built snowmen in hell!  But you did - and what an idiot I am - I allowed myself to be happy!  I've always felt that when two people love each other, when they commit to each other, they want to be together.  I guess that's not how it is with you.

Maddie:  You know that's not true.

David:  Do I?

Their voices have gotten louder, and they notice the other inmates watching everything - sitting in a straight row and gaping at them.

Maddie:  David…..calm down.  Maybe I need to be clearer, explain this better.  But this is not the place to discuss this.  We will finish this later - maybe you can listen to reason then.

David:  Ha!  As if you had a patent on all the reason in the world.

Maddie:  David, please……..we can't talk about this now.  I don't think we should say anything more - we could regret it later.

David:  I have no regrets, Maddie.

Maddie:  David, please just go.

He wheels around and heads towards the door.  As he strides across the room, Maddie calls after him.

Maddie:  David?

He stops, stands perfectly still for a moment, then turns slowly as if he does it against his will.

David:  Yes?

Maddie:  Miss Me.

He looks at her, shakes his head, and heaves a very large sigh.  He walks back towards the cell, smiling slightly.

David:  Ding, ding, ding, ding….and that concludes round one.  Now let's see - miss you, did you say?  Me?  You miss me first.

Maddie winces a little, then forges on…

Maddie:  No David,  Miss Me, the dog.  Will you stop by and feed her, take her out?

David straightens his spine - this is tough.  He launches into his best Three Stooges imitation.

David:  Certainly - poor little pooch shouldn't suffer just cause Mama's in the big house!  I'll take care of all the crappy little details.

He turns his back to her and walks away, his face dropping as the mask he has maintained fades away.

Maddie (wistfully):  Bye, David.

David, saying nothing, raises his arm over his head, and wiggles his fingers in a cursory wave.  He exits.

Maddie walks towards the empty bench, sits, and puts her head in her hands.  Her distress is genuine.  She speaks aloud.

Maddie:  What am I going to do with that man?

The three working girls rise, and make their way to the center of the cell.  They strike a pose.  A guard walks by and adjusts a large silver light, which shines on the girls as if they were in a spotlight.

Music starts, and they begin to move, and sing…….

Yeah, it ain't easy.

                                    Girls, it ain't easy

                                    To keep the man you love satisfied

                                    It ain't easy

                                    Girls, it ain't easy

                                    To keep the one you love by your side

                                    A woman's work is never done

                                    Never stops, it goes on and on.

                                    You work your fingers to the bone.

                                    You gotta be home every time he phones.

                                    Sometimes the going gets a little tough.

                                    Seems like my best ain't good enough.

                                    Keeps you losing sleep                                               

                                    Seven days a week.

                                    It ain't easy

                                    Girls, it ain't easy.

                                    To keep the man you love satisfied.

                                    It ain't easy.

                                    Girls, it ain't easy.

                                    To keep the one you love by your side.

                                    But when his hope is gone

                                    And life gets him down

                                    That's when he'll say

                                    He needs you around

                                    Hard to live with him

                                    Hard to live without him

                                    It ain't easy, no.

                                    You've got to favor him with understanding

                                    When understanding is what he needs

                                    We try hard to give them respect

                                    All we get is there regret

                                    But when they're in trouble

                                    They need our love and care

                                    No matter when, we gotta be right there

                                    In between the crying

                                    Gotta keep trying

                                    It ain't easy

                                    Girls, it ain't easy, ooh, ooh, ooh

                                    It ain't easy

                                    Girls, it ain't easy.

                                    It ain't easy

                                    Girls, it ain't easy, yeah, ooh

                                    It ain't easy

                                    Girls, it ain't easy.

Maddie watches the whole scene - fascinated.  After the girls finish singing, they move towards Maddie's bench, and surround her.  They settle in for a good old fashioned gab fest!

Hooker#1:  So sweetheart, tell the girls here, what's with you and that gorgeous hunk of heaven who just stomped out of here?

Maddie hesitates.

Hooker #2:  C'mon baby, no secrets here.  We're sharing the life experience.  We've already heard enough to make it interesting.  So what is he - husband, boyfriend, sex slave?

They laugh.

Maddie:  Closest definition I guess is boyfriend, partner…..bane of my existence!

Hooker #3:  Honey, nobody gets that mad at a man unless they're crazy about him.

Maddie pauses, thoughtful.

Maddie:  That I am.  The first time I realized I loved him, I was so mad, I slapped him.  Then I spent close to two years trying to deny it to myself.

Hooker #1  So you've known each other for a long time.

Maddie:  We've worked together for over five years.

Hooker #1:  And played together?

Maddie:  That's a hard question - I guess this is a rematch.  We're on our second try, and it's just a few weeks now that we're together.

Hooker #2:  So, what's the problem?

Maddie:  I guess we've got different definitions of together.  All of a sudden, he seems to think we're joined at the hip.  Even worse, after over five years of working side by side, equal partners - he acts like I've had a lobotomy or something.  It's maddening!

Hooker #3:  What do you mean?

Maddie:  Maybe it's me.  Is that the way it's supposed to be?  You commit to someone, and you stop being an individual, and exist only as a couple?

Hooker #1:  Commitment is not something we have a lot of experience with.  We sell commitment by the hour.

Hooker #2:  All I can say is that you need to take a look at that man.  Only a fool would turn her back on something that special.

Maddie:  I know that you're probably right.  It's just a hard transition to make. I lived on my own for a lot of years, making my own rules, my own decisions.

Hooker #3: And was that better…doing everything alone?   I'd think it would be better to help share the decisions….and everything else.

Maddie: It should be…that's probably my issue.  I have to learn to share, to give a bit more - do they give lessons somewhere on how two people function as a couple?

Hooker #2:  I don't think so.  I'm pretty sure that's a learn-as-you-go situation.  Let me ask you something…..can you tell me the moment when you are absolutely sure that he is the guy for you?

Maddie start to laugh.

Maddie:  Well, if this ever got back to him, I'd deny it.  But since this is just "girl talk"…..  He has the ability to make me so mad I see stars - then I look over at him and he's got this little half-smile, smirking thing kind of going on - I absolutely melt!  It slays me - and if he realized what power he had with that one look, he could make my life hell!

Hooker #3:  But does he want to make your life hell?   From what I've seen of that guy, he's likely to do just about anything to make you happy.

Maddie looks at her thoughtfully.

Maddie:  Funny - happy is something I always felt just happened - I didn't think you needed to work at being happy.  Maybe I'm just starting to realize that I've been happiest when other people have been working hard to make it that way for me.  Does that make sense?

Hooker #2  I'm not sure I get it.

Maddie:  What I'm saying is that I've probably been a little selfish where happiness is concerned - maybe you know you love someone when you care about their happiness even more than your own - and that you are instrumental in causing that person's happiness.  Maybe I've got to hold up my half of this partnership.  Maybe David's been trying to row this boat with just one oar.

Hooker #3:  Huh?  All I'm saying is, maybe you're making the whole thing more complicated than it has to be. Maybe you need to look at why the guy does stuff, instead of how…..

 Maddie:  Right……and the why is to make me happy.  The bottom line here is that it's about David and me…….not traditional roles, not what's supposed to happen. There's been nothing traditional about us since the day we met.  In a million years, you wouldn't have bet that we'd end up together.  So now comes the work - we need to make our own rules, set our own boundaries.  I need to talk to him……we need to talk about this together.

Hooker #1:  And there's the rub…………you just gave that guy a toss out of here.

Maddie:  I know….and I know it's hard to understand.  What you saw is us….our history….it's what we do.  It's like a game.

Hooker #1:  Why play games?

Maddie:  I don't want to play games any more.

She holds her head.

Maddie:  God, I have such a headache! It's unbelievable that all this started over a traffic ticket.  But it was not me, I swear! There are lots of gold BMWs in L.A.

The girls exchange a glance.

Hooker #2:  You've had a tough night.  Why not get a little rest…..maybe things will look better in the morning.

Maddie:  You have been really great.  Maybe I can pay you back for your kindness once  we get out of here.

Hooker #1: (sarcastically)   Yeah honey, maybe lunch at the Beverly Hills Hotel…..You just take care of your situation.  If you can work it out, maybe there's hope for all of us.

Maddie smiles, lies on the cot, and is almost instantly asleep.

Hooker #3:  Who would have ever thought I could feel sorry for someone like her?

Hooker #1:  She's a smart lady, she'll work it out.  Meanwhile, where do you think Carlos is?  He should have bailed us out by now.

Hooker #3:  Listen, did you hear what she said about a gold BMW.  Do you think……..

Hooker# 1  Honey, I don't think at all.  And if you know what is good for you, you'd better forget anything you know or heard.

The girls fall silent.  Maddie sleeps on and we fade out as Maddie's theme plays.


Act IV: Maddie's house, the same day, about 9 P.M.

The door opens and David enters.  His jacket is slung across his shoulder.  He looks thoroughly discouraged.

A small ball of fluff darts past him out the front door.  He speaks aloud.

David:  Great…now for my next trick, let's see if I can lose her dog.

He turns and walks out the door.

David:  Hey, Miss Me, c'mere.

The puppy prances through the door, head held high.

David:  Look at this, another princess.  Well let me tell you, pooch, I have had my fair share of female attitude today.

He closes the front door, and walks to the stairs and begins to climb towards Maddie's bedroom.  He turns and addresses the dog again.

David:  Yes ma'am, you and your whole damned sex are on my list today.  So, if you know what's good for you, you'll stay right where you are.

He continues to the top of the stairs, and enters the bedroom.  He removes his shirt and tie, muttering the entire time…..

David:  I am just about at the end of my rope - when does this get any easier?

David drapes the shirt over the back of a chair, and walks towards the bed.  He piles up several pillows, and lies back against them.  He catches a whiff of a familiar fragrance, and pulls one of the pillows into his arms.  He buries his face into the pillow, inhaling Maddie's scent.  He looks up to see the cocker spaniel sitting in the doorway, looking at him curiously.  He smiles.

David:  Stopped playing hard to get, did ya, Blondie?  Well, c'mon up here.

He places the pillow back on the bed, as the dog jumps up and burrows against his side.  David distractedly pets the dog.

David:  So, Miss Me, tell me about what women want - most specifically, what our favorite blonde wants.  I thought this would get easier, not harder.

The dog climbs into his lap.

David:  See, isn't it easy?  You know what you want.  Why is it my fate to be in love with a woman who changes her mind as often as other people change their underwear?  Is she really changing her mind, or is it something more?  We've known each other for almost six years, and she's tried every trick in the book to make me change into somebody I could never be - and incidentally, somebody she would never be happy with.  Like Sam….you don't remember Sam…….two words….."rat bastard".  But he almost had her fooled.

The dog licks his hand.  David smiles, pats her head, and continues conversationally.

David:  We're good for her…you and I.  I thought she had finally figured that out - there's got to be something more important that's bothering her - not only that stuff in the courtroom.  Yeah, I probably acted like a jerk - it's a talent, what can I say?  But she is almost irrationally angry - which means there's something simmering deep down inside….there's something bouncing around her head that she's overthinking, overanalyzing.  There's got to be some secret course all women take - Confusing a Man 101 - must be a snap course, every lady I know is an A+ student.

David lifts the puppy and looks in her face.

David:  So Miss Me, what have I got to do?  Give me a clue - She's the first thought I have when I wake up, and the last person I want to see before I close my eyes each night.  I lie in bed every night and think of her, whether she is with me or not.  I need to talk to her……………

He reaches over and pushes a button on the radio.  As he leans back against the pillows, he stifles a tremendous yawn.  He's had a rough day.  His eyelids start to close as music fills the room.

OK, OK……………….He's asleep, right?  Let's cut it right there………..Nope, Bruce, stay right where you are…… won't be long, babe…….

This will just take a second….this is the writer of this virtual episode, and I am going to invite you to participate in a great experiment in this virtual season.

As you can see, we've got our favorite, most underappreciated hero, David Addison, who has drifted off to sleep.  Now my feeling is that this scene just cries out for a dream sequence….however, dream sequences are hard to write, and let's face it - each one of us has our own special dreams and fantasies.

So here's the deal - the first INTERACTIVE dream sequence!  This gives you the opportunity to be an active participant in this virtual episode.  I will provide the music, and you will let your imagination go wild….choosing all your favorite scenes of past episodes .

No ground rules….just enjoy yourself.  And thanks for reading!

My particular version of this dream starts back in the pilot, when Maddie walks through the door and says, "HELLO".

OK Everybody, let's get back to it…………cue the Manhattans……

                                    Babe, we started out as friends.

                                    Friends turned into lovers, do you remember when?

                                    I held you for the very first time.

                                    Love made it so easy, girl, for me to speak my mind

                                    I said, I want you, I need you, oh girl, how I believe in you

                                    You're the light that has always seen me through.

                                    In you, I confide.

                                    That I will be forever by your side.

                                    Now we see our love has grown

                                    And these have been the sweetest times that I have ever known

                                    And I know that it will never end

                                    Cause every time I look at you, I fall in love again.

                                    I want you, I need you, oh girl, how I believe in you

                                    You're the light that has always seen me through

                                    In you, I confide

                                    That I will be forever by your side.

                                    Longer than the sun will shine

                                    Love is a tie that binds forever, forever

                                    Two hearts are meant to be

                                    One love eternally, together, forever


                                    I want you, I need you, oh girl, how I believe in you

                                    You're the light that has always seen me through

                                    In you, I confide

                                    That I will be forever by your side.

Hey, pretty great, great, huh?  Well, on with the episode.  Just for perspective, my dream sequence ends with the lovemaking scene from "The Wedding - Everybody Says I Love You…and It's about Time."

Ok, thanks for your participation………moving right along.

Hey Bruce…………..ya ready???  …………….ACTION!!!

David awakens, and sits up in Maddie's bed.  He blinks, and grimaces as he remembers the day's occurrences, especially the evening meeting at the jail.  He glances at his watch and speaks aloud.

David:  Wow, it's almost midnight!  I feel like I should be doing something.  I don't know what, but I can't sit here just doing nothing.  I've got a sweater around here somewhere.

He yanks open the closet, finds his sweater, and pulls it over his head.  He slips on his shoes, runs his fingers through his hair, and heads towards the stairs.  He almost trips over Miss Me, who sits at the top of the stairs, staring down at the front door.  He bends and picks up the puppy.

David:  Well, hello you.  Did you think we forgot about you?  You ought to be good and hungry by now.

He walks down the stairs carrying the puppy, and enters the kitchen.  He places the dog on the floor, and goes through the ritual of filling her dishes with food and water.  She eats greedily, while David sits on a chair and watches.

David:  OK, pooch, here's the plan.  I've gotta go set things straight with that other blonde.  Anything you need before I go?  Want me to pop in a video - Ol' Yeller, Lassie Come Home, 101 Dalmations?

The puppy ignores him and continues to eat.

David:  OK, be like that.  I gotta go.

He turns, and goes to the front door.  The puppy follows, and sits, staring at the door.  David leans down and pats her on the head.

David:  Don't worry, kiddo.  We'll be back first thing in the morning, safe and sound.

With one more look back at the door, he exits.

                                                            COMMERCIAL BREAK

Act V:  In Maddie's car on a street outside the L.A. City jail.

David reclines on the front seat, his feet propped on the dashboard.  He has no idea what he is doing there - what good he can do.  The street seems deserted…there is no activity around the building.

Suddenly, there is a rap on the window.  David starts, and looks out to see a policeman standing next to the car.  He rolls down the window.

Policeman:  Hey buddy, this is a no parking zone.  Wanna move it along?

David just looks at him, obviously thinking.

Policeman:  Hey pal, did you hear me?

The wheels in David's head are turning.

David:  What if I were to refuse to move?  Would you have to throw me in jail?

The policeman looks at him curiously.

Policeman:  Now why would you wanna do that?  Is there something wrong with you?  Have you been drinking?

David:  Not a drop, not a dribble.  I've just gotta get into that jail.

The policeman obviously feels he's got a crazy on his hands.

Policeman:  C'mon buddy, you really don't want to do that.  It's not the Hilton.  There are lots of better places to hang out.

David:  Yeah, I guess it's not the best idea.  I'd probably have to take a poke at you to get thrown in jail.  Then they'd probably take away my private investigator's license.  But my lady's in there, and it's probably my fault.  I have to talk to her, let her know I screwed up, yet again!!

Policeman:  What'd you do?  What'd she do?

David:  Contempt of court - although it was probably more like contempt of me - the judge just got caught in the middle.

Policeman:  How long is she in for?

David:  Just overnight - but you gotta understand.  Before she met me, the lady probably didn't even know where the jail was, and now she's in there.  I really need to make sure she's OK.  I know she can take care of herself, but at the very least, I just need to be here, even if I can't get inside.

Policeman:  Mind if I give you some advice?

David:  Why not?  I'm not doing so hot on my own.

Policeman:  Don't get yourself thrown in jail.  You wouldn't even get close to her and it will only cause more problems for you.

David looks dejected.

David:  Yeah, guess you're right.

David opens the door and gets out of the car.  He stands next to the policeman.

David:  Sometimes life's a bitch, huh??

The policeman looks at him sympathetically.

Policeman:  OK, here's the deal.  Professional courtesy - I won't make you move the car.  It's not that busy here at night anyway.  Just don't do anything stupid….and be out of here by 8 A.M.

David:  Thanks, man.

Policeman:  Maybe the night apart will do you both some good.  Maybe you can sort out what you need to resolve with her.  I know talking things out always works best for me.

David:  (sighing)  OK, you've got it.  I appreciate it.  Doing something stupid - I've got lots of experience with that.  Thanks for stopping me.

Policeman:  (laughing)  Me too.  You think it's a guy thing?  At least that's what my wife says.

David:  I'm gonna ask you one more favor.

He indicates the pack of cigarettes in the officer's breast pocket.

David:  Could I bum one of those?

Policeman:  Sure.

He gives David a cigarette and lights it for him.

David:  Thanks.  I quit years ago, but sometimes, nothing works like a smoke to take the edge off.

Policeman:  I hear ya.  Well, I gotta go - to protect and serve, you know.  If anybody stops, tell them Bill Dougherty said it was fine for you to be here.

David:  Thanks, Bill.  See you at the Policeman's Ball.

David paces back and forth beside the car smoking his cigarette.  He looks up towards the door, as he hears some noise.  The three hookers from the cell are coming out the door.  He tosses the cigarette, and rushes over towards them.

David:  Good morning, ladies.

Hooker #1:  Hey look, it's the guy from earlier tonight.  Looking for a date, good looking?

David:  (smiling)  Sorry girls, I'm afraid my dream date is still inside.  I just wondered if you could tell me how she's doing?

Hooker #2:  You mean you're waiting here just to see if she's ok?  That's so sweet.

David:  I'm sure she wouldn't think so.  In fact she's probably considering committing another crime - like murder!

Hooker #3 - You might be surprised.  Right now, she's sound asleep.  Didn't even roll over when we got let out.  She got herself so worked up, she's exhausted.  She certainly can yell - that one.

David smiles his first genuine smile of the evening.

David:  The hell you say!  Can you tell me anything more?

They look around apprehensively.

Hooker #1:  We need to keep an eye out for Carlos.  He went to get the car.  But one thing I can tell you, she's crazy about you, sweetheart.

Hooker #2:  She's been beating herself up all night - trying to figure out why she makes so many mistakes.

David:  You're kidding, right?

Hooker #1:  Nope.  She kept saying she needs to talk to you - that if it's gonna work, you've gotta talk this through.

David:  It's not her fault…..well, all her fault anyway.  We both have some things to learn about each other, even after all this time.  It's a mystery that she puts up with me sometimes.

Hooker #3:  Yeah, some hardship!

Hooker #2:  She is stubborn though…she keeps saying she is determined to get this worked out.

David:  You ladies are like a breath of spring.  Thanks.  I feel a lot better.

Hooker #1:  Yeah, that's us….just like little cupids!  C'mon girls, let's go.

A long black Lincoln pulls up in front of the BMW, and they walk towards it.  The third girl lingers for a moment.

Hooker #3:  I've gotta make this fast.  Your girlfriend said something about her gold BMW, and being mistaken for someone else.  This car?

David:  Yeah.

Hooker #3:  She's not crazy.  I don't have much information - but take her seriously.  If you check into it, you just may find out she's right.

David:  But how…………….

They are interrupted by the voice of Carlos, who has exited the Lincoln, and is glaring at him.

Carlos:  Hey baby, let's get a move on.  Time is money, you know.

Hooker#3:  (whispering)  Just listen to me…check out the gold BMWs.

She raises her voice.

Hooker #3:  Here I come, Carlos.  Just trying to talk old John here into a little fun.  Wouldn't hurt to combine business with pleasure every once in a while.

Carlos:  Let's go.

Carlos gets back into the car.  The girl looks back and David and flashes him the OK sign.  David smiles and blows her a kiss.  She closes the door and the Lincoln pulls away.

David gets back into the car.  He shivers, switches on the ignition, and cranks up the heat.  The radio comes on as well, and the words flood the car.

                        When something is wrong with my baby, well, well,

                        Something is wrong with me

                        And if I know she's worried

                        Then I would feel the same misery.

                        We've been through so much together.

                        We've been as one

                        And that's what makes it better.

                        When something is wrong with my baby

                        Something is wrong with me.

                        Just what she means to me now

                        Oh…you just wouldn't you just wouldn't understand

                        People could say, mmm, hmm, she's no good.

                        But oh, she's my woman

                        And I'm her man.

                        And if she's got a problem

                        I, oh, I know, I know I got to help her solve it

                        When something is wrong with my baby

                        Something is wrong with me.

                        Oh, oh, when something is wrong with my baby

                        Something is wrong with me.

David sits for a moment, thinking…..reflecting on the information the girl has given him.  He reaches over and opens then glove compartment, and grabs the cell phone.  He gets out of the car, sits on the front fender, and dials.

David:  Yeah, Agnes?  Hey, it's Mr. Addison.  Sorry to call so late…….about 3:30……..Yeah, listen, can I talk to Burt?  Thanks

There's a short pause.

David:  Yeah, Burt, hi!  I need you to get down here right away - yeah now!  The L.A. City jail.  I'm parked on North Los Angeles Street. Yeah, she's still in there.  I got some information……..Maddie actually might be on to something here….yeah, get down here as soon as you can.  We're gonna solve a mystery!

He returns the phone to the glove compartment.

David:  And maybe two mysteries for the price of one.

He leans against the car, staring at the jail……..

The scene shifts to a shot of Maddie in the jail cell, sleeping peacefully, as the Moonlighting theme plays, and we



            I Fought the Law and the Law Won                             Bobby Fuller Four

            Girls, It Ain't Easy                                                        Honey Cone

            Forever by Your Side                                                    Manhattans

            When Something is Wrong with my Baby,

            Something is Wrong with Me.                                   Sam and Dave

Hooked on a Feeling