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Walking My Baby Back Home

Virtual Season Seven
Episode Eleven

Act I

Scene:  On a city street.

Music:  Joe Cocker singing "The Letter" plays through the following scenes.

Close up of a woman's arms and hands.  She wears long black sleeves, and carries a letter.  She reaches for the door of the mailbox,  pulls it down, and places the letter on the ledge.  Close up on the addresses.

Sister Michelle Berardi
St. Philomena Elementary School
610 Bainbridge Street
Philadelphia, PA 19123               
David Addison
                                                                        Blue Moon Investigations
                                                                        Suite 2016
                                                                        15555 Century Park East
                                                                        Century City, CA. 91302

The hands push the door of the mailbox closed, sliding the letter down the chute.  We then follow the letter through a variety of scenes - it is picked up by the mailman, goes by truck to the post office, goes through automatic sorting, back into a different mailman's pouch, to an office mail cart, and onto a pile on Agnes DiPesto's desk.   

Agnes goes through the stack of mail, sorting it into piles.  She picks up one of the piles, and walks towards David Addison's door.  She knocks on the door.

David (off camera):  Enter at your own risk.

Agnes opens the door.  David is sitting in his chair, feet propped on the desk.  His eyes are looking towards the ceiling and dart back and forth around the room.  Agnes watches him for a moment.

Agnes:  Mr. Addison?

David:  That'sa me!

Agnes:  Is everything OK?

David:  Absolutely …I'm as happy as a drunk sloth in a vat full of Jell-O.  Why do you ask?

His eyes continue to look around the room.

Agnes:  Why are you looking that way?

David:  Fly.

Agnes:  Fly?

David:  Fly.

He sits upright in his chair, and points.

David:  See the little bugger?  He's over there…….now over there!  Didja ever wonder what the buzz is on flies, Agnes?

Agnes:  I can't say that I have.

David:  Fascinating stuff….born into a family with about a zillion siblings, Mom and Pop take off  before you get your wings…..called a pest…a lowlife…….never being able to overcome a bad reputation.

Agnes:  Really?

David:  Course you gotta look at the flip side…Not a bad life altogether….eating, drinking, and making more flies.  … bills to pay, no clients to see, no mail to read……

Agnes:  Hmmmm.

David continues to get more frenetic, almost in tandem with the fly's buzzing.

David:  BUT… about this…this always "bugs' me.  Did ya ever get a fly in the car with you - and he just hangs in with you for the ride - like twenty miles or so?

Agnes:  Yeah……..

David:  So you get there, he gets out of the car and realizes he's in a whole new neighborhood.  Like a fly kidnapping…or a fly relocation program.  He's gotta miss his friends and family.  Can't find his favorite eating place.  Lassie went home, but I bet that fly can't.  I think their life span is only about a half of a TVLand marathon anyway.

Agnes:  Mr. Addison….

David hardly hears her.  He's on a roll, growing more dramatic with each passing moment.

David:  And a suburban fly…….if you drive him into the city - he's gotta know how to handle himself with the tough fly gangs.  There are just so many problems for the ordinary fly.

Agnes:  Mr. Addison……

David:  Ssssh!  Wait a minute!

He picks up a magazine, rolls it, and swats in the air, missing.

David:  And then…the biggest problem of them all - some jamoke trying to make you one-dimensional.

He watches for a moment, and taking careful aim, smacks the magazine on the desktop.

David:  Aha!  Nailed you, sucker!  Problem solved!  Now what can I do for you, Agnes?

Agnes:  Mail - I just came in here to bring your mail.

David:  And to think…you were treated to a valuable life lesson.

Agnes:  Or death lesson. I think I will get out while you still have that magazine in your hand.

She lays the mail on the desk.

David:  Ah, c'mon Agnes, you know I wouldn't splat you.

She nods her head, but continues to walk towards the door.

David chuckles to himself as he picks up the mail and flips through it.

David:  So what have we here?  Three Stooges Fan Club……..Hair Club for Men - that Richie's a real joker……… St Philomena Elementary School…  Huh?  Why would that be coming here?

He opens the envelope, and withdraws a letter, reading it carefully.  He lays it on the desk, and stares out the window.

Scene:  Maddie's office

David enters.  Maddie is seated at her desk, reading her mail.

David:  Hey boss.

Maddie looks up and smiles.

Maddie:  Hey yourself……..and what do you want?

David:  What do I want?

Maddie:  What do you want?  Whenever we revert to that boss/associate mode, I've noticed you've always got your hand out.

David looks at the camera.

David:  Not fair - what an opening.  Listen, that was entirely too easy.  Let's say each one of you make up your own response to that line.   

He peers into the camera lens……..

David :  Yo, Jerry…….keep it clean, OK?    

He pauses.

David:  OK….Ya done?  Moving on……

He turns to Maddie, who has been watching this whole exchange.

David:  Is that so?  How about later tonight, we play a little fantasy game I made up?  You be the boss and I'll be the bad, bad associate and……

Maddie interrupts.

Maddie:  Had much experience with this game?

David: Hell yes, spent a few good years playing that game in my head.  Funny - it always led to another game - or shall I say activity.  Strictly solo!

Maddie:  TMI Addison.

He walks over and plants himself on the edge of her desk.

David:  Anyway, it wouldn't be the same playing with the "new you".  I still do a double take every time I walk in here……hmm, come to think of it, might just get a little mileage out of that…….kinda new, kinda dangerous…….kinda WOW!  

Maddie:  I'm pretty sure that's a compliment, so I'm just going to say thank you and move on.  Let's get back to what you want from me.

David:  This is only an hour show, Maddie.

Maddie:  David, focus.  Specifics, please.

David:  You think you know me so well, don't you Miss Hayes?

Maddie:  After seven years?  Like I know my middle name…….

David interrupts.

David:  You've got a middle name?

Maddie stutters for a moment.

Maddie:  Yeah, well, like I know the alphabet, like I know the Pledge of Allegiance, like I…….

David:  OK, I get it.  But don't forget, everything happens in cycles.  Haven't you ever heard of the seven-year itch?

Maddie:  Is that the one you keep asking me to scratch?

David:  No, that's generally the one you ask someone else to scratch, so don't get too cocky with me, sister.  Anyway, I do want to ask you something.

Maddie smiles a self-satisfied smile.

David:  Don't gloat, Miss Smarty Pants.  What I wondered, is if you could possibly do without me around here for a few days…maybe a week?

Maddie:  You get picked to go on the beer run?

David:  Nope, Jergenson.  He always falls for that rock, paper, scissors thing.  But, I just got an interesting letter from a nun in Philadelphia.

Maddie:  Addison, you're corresponding with a nun?

David:  This particular nun is an old flame of mine….Mickie Berardi, the cutest tomboy in the eighth grade.  She was second base.

Maddie:  David!  You kept score?

David:  Of course.

He pauses for a moment.

David:  Madolyn, I ought to wash out that mind with soap!  She played second base on our baseball team.  She had a great arm…..and some great other parts too, as I recall.

Maddie:  And now she's a nun?

David:  Are you amazed that I know a nun?

Maddie:  I'm amazed that anyone became a nun after being exposed to you.  Did you drive her to it?

David:  Nope…although, I think her parents would have locked her up in a convent to keep me away from her.

Maddie smiles.

Maddie:  Smart parents!  So, what was in the letter?

David:  Mickie's the principal at our old grade school.  They're having some kind of a reunion.  I got the invitation about a month ago and I tossed it.  But there's something in the letter….just can't put my finger on it.  She's practically begging me to come……See, another woman begging me for something!

Maddie:  Yeah, a nun……guess she doesn't know any better.

David:  Maybe she knows there isn't any better - maybe that's why she became a nun.

Maddie:  You do go on, Addison.  So are you thinking about going?

David:  I don't know…….I always thought a reunion would be kind of lame.  But who knows?  I'd like to see Mickie…some of the old gang…see how they turned out……… least the ones who aren't in prison.

Maddie looks thoughtful, not having expected the sentimental tone in David's voice.

Maddie:  So when is it?

David:  Next weekend.  I figured I could leave Monday, come back the following Sunday…if you think you can do without me.

Maddie:  Without you?  I'm not sure I'd even notice you were gone until the sun went down…..

She laughs at his expression.

Maddie:  I'm just kidding, Addison.  Why would I need to do without you?  Things are pretty manageable around here right now - Agnes and Bert can hold down the fort.  Besides, I think we're due for a vacation, don't you?

David:  But -

Maddie goes on.

Maddie:  The timing's perfect.  Monday's the day they start working in my bedroom.

David:  Somebody's working in your bedroom besides me?

Maddie:  The remodel…remember?  In fact, I was going to ask if you'd consider taking in a boarder next week.

David:  A boarder?  I only have one bedroom - although I guess you could always sleep in the car.

Maddie:  The car?

David:  I meant the one in the living room.

Maddie:  Haven't we been there?

David:  I said "sleep", woman!

Maddie:  Anyway, it's a moot point if we're going away.

David:  I can't believe I'm hearing this.  You really want to go with me?

Maddie:  Damned straight.  I don't want that nun getting any ideas……got to protect my interests.

She looks at him…a little hesitant.

Maddie:  It's not a problem, is it?  If you don't want me there…………

He grabs her hands.

David:  Maddie, Maddie, Maddie….why wouldn't I want you there?  I'm just surprised you'd want to spend a vacation in Philadelphia - you're more a St. Tropez or Maui kind of gal.

Maddie:  David, it'll be another kind of adventure.  I think an expedition to the origins of David Addison could be very enlightening.  Who knows what I might dig up on you?

She continues.

Maddie:  I'm going to be very interested to see some of the places you've told me about - see if they really compare.

David:  Compare to what?

Maddie:  The description to the reality, the recollection to the stone cold truth….

David:  You're doubting my stories?

Maddie:  Let's face it Addison, you are prone to exaggeration.

David:  And being prone is a bad thing?

Maddie:  I still remember the day you tried to convince me that Philadelphia is the city of sisterly love.

David:   Gave it a shot.

Maddie:  Well, I still want to go.  I want to meet some of your friends.  I can stand a couple of nights in bars and bowling alleys.

David:  It might surprise you to know that I actually do know people who come out in the daylight.

Maddie:  But will they admit they know you?

David:  Very funny - you know what, Maddie?  You're right, you should come to Philadelphia.  You can see the vacant lot where I played stickball as a child…..the place by the lake where we went on Saturday nights to watch the submarine races……the historical sights where old love `em and leave `em Dave took girls so they'd think I was deep……..  

Maddie:  Listen David, I don't know where this is coming from.  Why do I feel like I have to justify wanting to go with you?

David:  I'm convinced that you want to go because you feel you should go.  But you've got this preconceived notion about me and my life, and I get the feeling you consider yourself just a little bit too high and mighty for it all….like it's some kind of big sacrifice.

Maddie pauses for a moment.  When she speaks, it is very softly.

Maddie:  Are we arguing about this?

David looks at her for a moment, then shakes his head.

David:  Hard to believe, ain't it?  I must be crazy.  Who wouldn't want to waltz into their reunion with the most beautiful eye candy in the city…..the new, but not necessarily improved, Madolyn Hayes?

Maddie:  And that's important to you?  That you have the proper…..what did you call it………eye candy…….on your arm?

David:  Well, it will probably distract them from all the "where's your hair" comments.

He pauses for a moment, then flashes her an evil grin.

David:  And it's very important that you dress kind of slutty, hang all over me, and totally ignore any other guy who tries to talk to you.

David sees the look on her face.

David:  I'm kidding…….if we weren't running so far behind, I would ask the AD for another take on this whole scene

He changes tempo.

David:  Goldilocks, if you want to come with me, I'm game.  I'll take you to Benjamin Franklin's house…show you his kite…….amazing what that guy could do with a little tail.

Maddie smiles.

Maddie:  You're pretty lucky you changed the subject, pal. Just remember, I already know how deep you are…….and how deep you can pile it.

David smirks.

Maddie:  I guess we should call your Dad and Stephanie - make plans to take them to dinner.  And Richie and Amy - find out how the wedding plans are going.

David:  Whoa Nelly!  I knew there was a reason I trashed this invitation in the first place.

Maddie:  David, you know you don't mean that.  AND……I also want a one-on-one with this Sister Mickie.

David:  Can I watch?

He plays off Maddie's look.

David:  Can't blame a guy for tryin'.

Maddie:  OK!  -- Arrangements…….Any special hotel?

David:  The Rittenhouse was always a good one - but ya know… Richie was telling me about this new one they built right across the street from City Hall.  City Hall has a statue of William Penn on the top, and Richie says, if you get the right room in this hotel, you can look out the window and get a great peek at old Billy's …uh…..keystone!

Maddie raises her eyebrows.

David:  Guess that's where they got the term "bird's eye view".

Maddie ignores him.

Maddie:  So, we've decided on the Rittenhouse, right?  I'll take care of everything.  Maybe I'll go out at lunchtime and buy a guidebook.

David:  You're amazing, Blondie.  Helluva travel agent!  How about we try and get out of here at a reasonable hour tonight, and we'll grab some dinner?  Make a list of Philadelphia's not to be missed?

Maddie is already on a mission…picking up the phone, but she nods her head.

David:  I've got a few things to go over with Bert.  I'll break it to him gently, so he doesn't sharpen up his El Duce routine.

Maddie is busy talking, and waves her him out the door.

                         COMMERCIAL BREAK

Act II

Scene:  David's office

David is seated at his desk, the letter again in hand.  We listen…and hear a woman's voice……


Dear David,

     I'm sitting here trying to imagine the stories you've had to concoct, to talk your way out of getting a letter from a nun.  Hope you didn't have too much trouble explaining it to the Blue Moon Shampoo Girl.

     Don't look around, there are no hidden cameras.  When I ran into your father after Mass on Sunday, he gave me the lowdown on "my son, the big shot L.A. private eye."  You should have seen him, proud as could be.  I'm glad all is well with you  and your dad - who'd've thunk it?

     Anyway, the reason for this letter.  I want you to come to this reunion, David.  The whole gang will be there, and it won't be the same without you.  If you need me to lay on some guilt (a nun specialty, as you might remember), let me remind you that I was grounded for a whole summer because of you.  And if you need threats (specialty number two)  - I won't hesitate to tell your girlfriend why.

     David, please come.  I really could use some familiar faces around me.  It's been ten years since you've been back - I need to see if you've still got that evil twinkle in your eye, and that smirk on your face.

     So, c'mon, pack up that L.A. attitude, and your Raybans and come home to the city that loves you back.


David shakes his head, and mumbles to himself.

David:  What the hell…….I can't put my finger on it, but there's something definitely wrong with her.

There is a knock on the door.

David:  Ten items or less.  No waiting.

Bert Viola enters the room.

Bert:  You wanted to see me, Mr. Addison?

David:  Bert, step into my office.  Ooops, already there.  We need to have a serious discussion.

Bert:  If Magillicuddy said……..

David:  Bert, Bert……turn down the rpms.  This has nothing to do with Magillicuddy, unless there's something you…..

Bert interrupts.

Bert:  Nothing sir, nothing at all.

David:  Good.  What I wanted to let you know is that the boss and I are gonna take off for a little R&R.

Bart:  A vacation?  How wonderful, sir.  A getaway, full of fire and the romance of foreign places.  Where have you chosen….Paris, Tahiti, Istanbul?

David:  Philadelphia.

Bert:  Philadelphia?  Why the heck would anybody want to go there?

David:  Philadelphia is my hometown, Bert.

Bert doesn't skip a beat.

Bert:  And a glorious place it is, sir.  When I think of it, I always think of the magnificence of its…..its……..

He thinks hard.

Bert:  Scrapple!!!

David:  Scrapple is a meat product made of unmentionable pig products, Bert.  You need to do better than that.

Bert is definitely fumbling for an answer.

Bert:  I know they have those big sandwiches……and some sort of a basketball team…..and……

His eyes brighten.

Bert:  Cream cheese!!!

David:  You are just a fountain of information, Viola.  I'll bring you back a book of fun facts about Philly.  Meanwhile, let's talk about what happens while we're gone…

Bert:  Sir, I know what you're thinking - last time you put me in charge, the place fell to pieces.

David:  Not quite, there were no pieces left even.

Bert:  You're right sir, and I swear…

David:  Stop right there……here are the ground rules.  Number one - no whips!

Bert:  Absolutely not, sir.

David:  No desk inspections, no hall passes, and no torturing the inmates, is that clear?

Bert:  Got it, sir.

David:  I don't want to hear about you and Magillicuddy comparing - well, anything.  It will probably be a nothing week…just as long as you keep cool.

Bert:  I won't let you down, sir.

David:  That's what I'm counting on, buddy.
Bert:  So what are you going to do in the City of Brotherly Love, sir?  See your family, see the sights?

David:  In Philadelphia, Bert, sometimes my family is the sights!

He chuckles.

David:  Actually, an old friend asked me to come to a shindig she's running.

Bert:  Hmmm - a she-friend.  So that's why Miss Hayes will be accompanying you.

David:  Hate to burst your bubble, Bertie boy, but the female in question is a nun.

Bert:  A nun?

David:  Uh huh, a certified, card-carrying penguin.

Bert:  Holy ……….

David:  Yep, that too.  So I kind of think Maddie has very little to worry about on the old girlfriend front.  My fantasies are in color, not black and white.

Bert:  Right.

David is silent for a moment, then turns to Bert.

David:  Got a question for ya, Bert……..has Agnes met your family….seen your hometown?

Bert:  She met some of my family a few years ago.  Out here, though.

David:  How'd it go?

Bert:  Fine…..why wouldn't it?  Miss Hayes has met your family, right?  And she likes them?

David:  Yeah, but there's something about my family……kinda like a home court disadvantage.  And I'm betting that's exactly the way Maddie expects to see them.

Bert:  I don't get it.

David:  You have to see where she grew up, Bert - it's like "Leave It to Beaver" meets "Father Knows Best"…….a house you couldn't shake a stick at for less than half a mil…..parents out of some kind of a fairy tale-----well, all I can say is there's a lot more than eight hundred miles between her Chicago and my South Philadelphia.

Bert:  I see.

David:  But the thing is…..for the most part - I wouldn't trade the way I grew up for anything.  I had a great time when I was a kid - especially while my Mom was still alive.

He seems to be talking almost to himself.

David:  We usually did stuff that was light on the wallet……day trips to the Jersey shore, picnics in Fairmount Park, walks to Ninth Street for water ice and pretzels.  I can remember having a whole lot of fun.  But she's not gonna see it that way.

Bert:  How come?

David:  Did you ever catch her looking at me sometimes - like I have three heads?  She's coming to Philadelphia to find out who scrambled my eggs….. who stole the sandwiches from my picnic.

He inhales quickly, and goes on.

David:  You know what - so what?  Who cares that I didn't grow up in Hoity Toity, Illinois…….I'm gonna show her a Philadelphia that'll stand her right on her ear.

Bert:  Way to go, sir.

David shakes his head emphatically.

David:  Yeah!!

Scene:  Maddie's Office…where a similar conversation is taking place between Maddie and Agnes.

Maddie:  So that's about it.  It seems like it's going to be a fairly calm week.  I'm sure you and Bert will have no trouble at all keeping up with things.

Agnes:  I'll keep him on a short leash…..don't want a repeat of -

She falls silent.

Maddie:  Don't worry Agnes, I know all about it…..I know it's surprising, but Mr. Addison has come clean about that little chapter in Blue Moon's history.  And it wasn't your fault, and it wasn't Bert's fault - it was David's and my fault…….and there's no way it's going to happen again.  We're too solid for that - both as a company and as a couple.

Agnes:  Yeah!

Maddie:  And speaking of a short leash, will you keep Miss Me for the week?  You know she loves your house.

Agnes:  She loves torturing the neighbor's toy poodle.  Sure, we'd love to have her.

Maddie:  So, anything else you need?  Any questions you've got?

Agnes:  Nope, think you've covered it all.  And promising the staff next Friday off for good behavior should insure there will be no problems.  So what are you going to do in Philadelphia?

Maddie:  Well, I've been reading this guidebook and I never realized that there are so many things to do there.  Historical sights, museums, shopping, five star restaurants……..I think it will be great……….of course, I'm sure David will have his own Philadelphia to show me……funny -

Agnes:  What's funny?

Maddie:  I get the impression that he is a little nervous about this visit……about taking me on this visit, that is.

Agnes:  Nervous, how?

Maddie:  It reminds me of when we were in Chicago - last year, when my Dad had his heart attack.  Don't get me wrong - David was great…….I don't know what I would have done without him.  But he was nervous……..kind of uncomfortable…maybe intimidated, believe it or not….like somehow, he didn't belong there.

Agnes:  And he saw your house, and the neighborhood and all, right?  Maybe that's it - maybe he's nervous that what you're going to see in Philadelphia won't measure up.

Maddie appears thoughtful.

Maddie:  It's all starting to make sense…….he's afraid I'm going to be judging him - his friends, his home, his neighborhood.  I've been teasing him about it…..I just never realized he's been taking it so seriously.  I guess I just wasn't listening.

Agnes:  So what are you going to do?

Maddie:  Nothing.  This issue's come up hundreds of times before - he's beer, I'm champagne…he's roller derby, I'm theatre……he's Porsche - well, actually, I'm Porsche too!  But it's ridiculous!  You'd think by now he'd get it - how important can it be?  It hasn't kept me sleeping by myself at night!

Agnes:  That's true!

Maddie:  I'm sure I won't love everything about David's background…..for goodness sakes, I don't love everything about David ----  and I'm sure he doesn't love everything about me.  But we do love each other - two flawed people who've found each other in this crazy world.  And that's not going to change….even if I find out that he's been raised by wolves, as he so often proclaims.

Agnes:  I'm sure he knows that.

Maddie:  I hope he knows that…but if he doesn't, there's no sense in trying to tell him.  We'll just have to see what happens, and work it out one step at a time, if there are problems.

Agnes:  Sounds like a plan.

Maddie:  Can't say I haven't learned from my mistakes.  Well, Agnes, let's say you and I go out sneak out of here for lunch - let the men think they're running the store.

Agnes:  I'll get my purse.

Maddie and Agnes exit the office.

Scene:  Very early Monday morning
       On the plane to Philadelphia

The camera pans the cabin of the airplane.  The flight is only partially full, and most of the passengers are sleeping.

Close up of Maddie.  She sits in the aisle seat.  She is reading a "Frommer's Guide to Philadelphia".  The camera pulls back and reveals David….asleep, lying on his back, folded into the other two seats  His head is in Maddie's lap, but otherwise, he is in a clearly uncomfortable position.  He moves in his sleep, and whacks his elbow on the seat in front of him.  He yelps!

David:  Yeow!!

Maddie:  Sssh, David.  People are sleeping.

He sits up, clearly disgruntled.

David:  Yeah, some of them even in a nice comfortable bed.  Whatever possessed you to book a flight at 5 AM?

Maddie:  Well, it's three hours earlier in Philadelphia…….I thought you'd want to be there as early as possible.

David:  You thought wrong.  We're going to be there all week…a few hours less would have been just fine.

Maddie:  Don't forget, we booked at the last minute….there wasn't too much available.

David:  No first class either, I assume.

Maddie:  First class?  You snob!  Anyway, sooner or later, we've both got to realize that booking flights at the last minute is not the most economical way to fly.  Sorry, you'll just have to rough it….I wasn't spending any more of the Carmichael sisters' fee on airline tickets…….

David:  Got it……but when we land, I'll need to make a stop at Doctor Feelgood's ---  number one choice of contortionists everywhere.

The flight attendant approaches.

Flight Attendant:  Wow, people who are awake.  That's a rarity on this leg of the flight.

She zeroes in on David.

Flight Attendant:  You look uncomfortable….can I get you a pillow, a blanket?

David:  How about a king sized bed?

Flight Attendant:  That's a good one.  How about a cup of coffee?

David:  Heaven must be missing an angel.

Maddie glares over at him.  The flight attendant starts to walk away, as Maddie calls after her.

Maddie:  Tea, black with sugar, please.

David:  Friendly, huh?

Maddie (stone faced):  Probably the employee of the month.

David:  God, you're pretty when you're jealous…….don't deny it, Blondie.  There's steam coming out of those ears.

Maddie:  Get over yourself, Addison.

David slyly):  I'd rather get over you……what I couldn't do with just a little more room here.

The flight attendant returns.  Without so much as a second glance, David takes the two cups from her.  Handing one to Maddie, he taps them together as if to toast.

David (exaggeratedly):  Here's to the first face I see in the morning……and to that lovely smile that's only for me…….

She looks at him for a moment, and then starts to laugh.

Maddie:  God, where did you come from ?

David:  Isn't that what this is all about?  So, tell me about your guidebook, Miss Hayes.  What's on your list to see and do?

Maddie:  Well, it seems that the Museum of Art has an excellent collection.

David:  We can run up the front steps….just like Rocky did.  And then, down at the Spectrum, there's a Rocky statue.  We can probably catch a Sixers game,,,,maybe the Flyers.

Maddie (dryly):  I can't wait.  And maybe some shopping on Antique Row or   South  Street…maybe I'll see something for the house.

David:  I'll take you to Wanamaker's.  Everybody meets there, at the Eagle.  I got tossed out of there once.  Climbed up on top and sat on the Eagle's head.

Maddie:  I've been reading about some great restaurants…..Le Bec Fin, and the Monte Carlo Living Room.

David:  But we've got to go for cheese steaks with.

Maddie:  With what?

David looks at her like she is an alien.

David:  With fried onions.  We'll find out where the hot place to go is.  There's Pat's and Geno's - they're right across the street from each other.  Been competing for years.  The best thing on earth……3 AM, standing on the corner, swaying cause you've had one too many beers, and chowing down on a cheese steak.

Maddie:  A delicacy, I'm sure.

David:  We'll try `em all.  Soft pretzels, Tasty cakes, black cherry wisniak - the best of Philly.  You'll love it.

She's brightened by his enthusiasm.

Maddie:  Sounds like fun.  So what about a tour of Edgar Allen Poe's house?

David:  Better still - we've got the Big Bird himself -- the actual raven --  stuffed, at the library.

Maddie:  How about the Academy of Fine Arts?

David:  Or the Mutter Museum…it has a collection of all kinds of oddities…two headed pigs, and all kinds of neat stuff in jars.  And there's another museum with the world's largest bucket of teeth.  Some of the best school field trips went there.

Maddie:  Could we see the Philadelphia Orchestra at the Academy of Music?

David:  How about the Trocadero…….used to be a burlesque house.  Now, all kinds of bands play there.  Just a few weeks ago, Richie told me that actor and his band were there……you know who I'm talking about - that bald headed guy, plays the harmonica, thinks he can sing.

Maddie:  Sounds like two different worlds, the one I'm reading about, and the one you know.

David:  Fine and fun, Maddie.  Thought I already taught you this lesson.

Maddie:  We'll see…..perhaps a nice, happy medium.

David:  Shoot for the moon - why not large or extra large!  There is one thing I want to do first thing tomorrow though.  I would like to go and see Mickie.  I don't know how to explain it, but there's something wrong.  Her letter just didn't sound right.

Maddie:  I should have guessed it…running off to see your old girlfriend, first chance you get.  Well, not without me you don't.

David:  I am really digging this jealousy bit.  Perhaps we should discuss it further…….or not discuss it at all…..when we get to the hotel.  Remind you to be grateful for what all those other girls have been missing.

Maddie:  Be still my heart.

The flight attendant walks down the aisle, and hands them headphones.

Flight Attendant:  We're going to turn on the in flight movie for the two of you that are awake.  Just tune in to channel three.

David:  What's the movie?

Flight Attendant:  Die Hard 2.

David:  Wow, I've been waiting to see that.  I hear it's great!

Maddie:  There's my cue for a little sleep.

David:  What?  You're not going to watch?

Maddie:  Wake me for Die Hard 27…when John McClane has no hair and walks with a cane…….saves the Motion Picture Retirement Home.

David:  You'll be sorry.

Maddie:  I'm sure.  Just make sure I'm awake in time to see the skyline as we land.  I hear it's very pretty.

She settles in against David, almost mirroring his former pose.  He looks down at her for a moment.

David(whispering):  Yeah, I can appreciate very pretty.  Sweet dreams.

He puts on his headphones and directs his attention to the screen.

                         COMMERCIAL BREAK


Scene:  In the rental car.
       Tuesday morning

David is driving, while Maddie acts like a person in an unfamiliar place - peering out the window and trying to take it all in.

David is doing a typical tour guide shtick……

David:  We are riding south on Broad Street - Broad Street, named for the lovely ladies who pound its pavements.

Maddie:  Liar!

David:  I should have thrown that guidebook away back in L.A.

Maddie:  History is not something to be ad-libbed, David.

David:  Tell it to Thomas Jefferson.  Broad Street is really an important street in Philadelphia though.  It runs all the way from the Delaware River, through the city, all the way to the northern suburbs.  Should have been called Long Street.
Goes through all kinds of neighborhoods - rich, poor, all ethnic areas.  But that's not Broad Street's claim to fame.

Maddie:  What is?

David:  Broad Street is home to the Mummers Parade - where every New Year's Day you'll see everyday roofers and truck drivers - manly men….. real men… drinking, pork rind eating, football watching men - wearing more feathers and make up than you've ever seen in one zip code.

Maddie:  Sounds like a big deal.

David:  It's great!  It's a citywide dance party.  You've gotta be here to understand it.

Maddie:  Maybe the next time we're here.

David turns and studies her, with sort of a half smile on his face.

David:  Yeah, maybe.  OK, now we're coming into South Philly.

He turns onto a side street, and immediately the buildings close in.

Maddie:  Wow, can we really fit down this street?

David:  Don't worry…I learned to negotiate these streets at a tender age - I can dodge double parked cars at forty miles an hour, and still keep my arm around my best girl.  Slide on over here, and I'll prove it to you.

Maddie:  I think I'll keep my seatbelt on.

She places her hand on his thigh, to make sure her response is not misinterpreted.

David:  That'll work too….Hey, look, there's my house.

He pulls over onto the sidewalk in front of a typical row home, its front windows bursting with Easter decorations.  

David:  Good to see Steph is keeping up with the traditions of the street.

Maddie:  Which are?

David:  In decorating - more is not enough!  It looks just like home…I guess that's cause it is.  Look up there, Maddie, see that window right up there on the second floor?  That was our room…mine and Richie's.  And I had the top bunk - with a great view into Mary Kate McCarthy's bedroom - right over there.

He gestures across the street.

Maddie:  Why, you peeping Tom!

David:  Call me a voyeur - it sounds nicer.  Good old Mary Kate…she was the older woman… heart was broken when she married a plumber and moved to Mayfair.  I owe her a lot…….including my extensive knowledge of women's undergarments.

Maddie:  So you and she….?

David:  No, alas, I worshipped from afar.

Maddie:  I bet not afar enough for Mary Kate.

David:  She had a pet name for me……I think it was maggoty little creep.  Her voice was like music when she said it.

Maddie:  Oh brother……..  I really like it, David, it's a nice street.  Did you want to stop and see anybody?  Look up old Mary Kate?

David:  No, she probably has let herself go to pot, double chins and all, drinking diet cokes and wondering why she let her golden chances pass her by.

Maddie:  So sad.  Anybody else?

David:  No, they'll all be at the party on Saturday.

Maddie:  It's a shame your Dad and Stephanie aren't here.

David:  Yeah, a guy comes home once in ten years, and his Dad takes off for Jamaica.  What are the odds?  Good thing I don't have an inferiority complex.

Maddie:  Oh yeah, that's a real good thing!  Luckily, Richie and Amy were available for dinner tomorrow night.

David grunts.  He starts the car and pulls into the street.

David:  And down this very street, two blocks, is Saint Philomena's.

They pull into a small parking lot, which adjoins an equally small church, and school building.  They walk through a door into the school.  It seems a typical school day - kids in school uniforms in classrooms, and the sounds of children's voices echo through the hall.

David:  I think this place shrunk…I'm sure it was much bigger then.

Maddie smiles as David looks farther down the corridor.

David:  It's still there.  Son of a bench!

Maddie:  David!

David:  But look, it's still here.

He indicates a bench outside the door marked "Principal".  There is a small boy, about seven years old, sitting on one end of the bench and staring at the floor.

David:  I spent more time there than in any desk in this building.  I bet we could dust it for Addison posterior prints.

He looks at the child.

David:  What ya in for, pal?

Boy:  I called Matt Waters a poopie head.

David:  Is he a poopie head?

Boy:  Yep.

David:  Then you have spoken…..take your punishment like a man.

Maddie:  David!  

He turns to the two of them and grins, putting his finger over his lips.

David:  Ssssh!

He swings open the door, his mouth already going in an exaggerated adolescent whine.

David:  I didn't pull that fire alarm, honest Sister.  You know what, I bet?  I bet it was one of those miracles you guys are always talking about.  Or you know who else it could have been - Satan!  That's who did it, I bet!

The woman at the window turns.  She is petite, attractive, with a head full of deep coppery curls.  She wears a tailored navy suit with a pink blouse.

Mickie:  My God, David Addison!

David: Hate to disappoint you, kiddo - haven't gotten that promotion yet.  But you can call me Saint David if you want.

She crosses the room and gives him a hug.

Mickie:  Saint David, that would be a first.  Look at you, you're terrific!

David:  Right back at you.  Where's the penguin costume?

Mickie:  Our order stopped wearing religious garb years ago.  Thank goodness.

She turns to Maddie.

Mickie:  I'm sorry, I'm being so rude.  The sight of this guy just took my breath away.

David:  Don't worry, she's used to that!

Mickie:  I'm ignoring him…..some things never change.  I'm Mickie Berardi.

Maddie:  Maddie Hayes.

Mickie:  I know, poor thing.  I've heard about your unfortunate affiliation with this character.  Do you realize, Miss Hayes…….

Maddie:  Maddie, please.

Mickie:  Do you realize, Maddie, that the tale he was spouting on the way in here was the same one he tried to use in……..what was it Addison, the sixth grade?

David:  Fifth - I was advanced.

Mickie:  He tortured poor Sister Claire.

David:  We called her Rock of Ages.  She still around?

Mickie:  She died peacefully in her sleep about five years ago …and yes, she remembered you till the day she died.

David:  Wow, we thought she was ancient back then.

Mickie:  I guess she was about the age we are now… ten year olds, I guess that does seem ancient.

David:  Speaking of the smaller set, I think you've got a visitor outside.

Mickie walks to the door.

Mickie:  Justin, come in here, please.

Justin:  Yes, Sister.

Mickie:  Say good afternoon to Mr. Addison and Miss Hayes.

Justin:  Good afternoon.

Mickie:  Do you know Mr. Addison went to this school many years ago?

Justin:  Wow….was Benjamin Franklin around then?

David:  Not quite, buddy.  I think he's a little younger than me.

Justin:  Sister, I heard Mr. Madison say that he used to sit on the bench outside -alot.

Mickie:  He did, did he?  

Justin nods.

Mickie:  Well, Justin, I hope you grow up to be just as good a man as Mr. Addison…but I hope you don't sit on that bench as much as he did.

She smiles.

Mickie:  Go back and tell your teacher you are sorry for whatever you did, and we will call it even.

Justin:  Gee whiz…thanks Sister.

He starts to bolt out the door, then remembers his manners.

Justin:  Good afternoon Miss……., er  Mister……..bye, you guys.

The door slams behind him.

David:  Cute kid.

Mickie:  He's our resident charmer…seems to have inherited the title from someone we know.  Now let me talk to Maddie for a minute.  How are you liking Philadelphia?

Maddie:  Very much, at least what I've seen.  In places, it's a lot like Chicago, but it seems to have a feeling all its own.

Mickie:  It's great, all right - I'd never live anywhere else.  I think it's the neighborhoods that give Philadelphia its charm.  David, make sure you give Maddie the ten cent tour…….but don't let him take you to the Mutter Museum.

Maddie laughs as David groans.

David:  Thanks, Mick.  So let's get down to it.  What am I really here for?

Mickie:  Why, the reunion, of course.

David looks at her.

David:  Are nuns allowed to lie like that?  C'mon Mick, I know you too well.  You were the first girl who…..

Mickie:  Never mind, David….

David:  Then give it to me straight.

Mickie:  I never did have a poker face.

David:  And that's why everybody in the neighborhood knew what you looked like in your underwear.

Maddie:  Let me guess, strip poker, right?

Mickie:  And let me tell you what a disadvantage that is when you're running a PTA meeting with some of those very same people you played with.

David:  Want some snapshots for the church bulletin?

Maddie:  Sounds like David wasn't the only wild one in your bunch.

Mickie looks over at David and grins.

Mickie:  I wouldn't trade one single minute of it.  We didn't have a lot of things - money, clothes, toys, but we did have fun.

David:  You said it.  Now, let's get back to your problem.

Mickie:  OK, to make it short and sweet, there's money missing.  From our athletic funds.

David:  Somebody's got their hand in the till, huh?

Mickie:  Yes, it's not easily evident to see, but the programs are starting to be a drain on the church funds, and this has never been the case before.

She goes on, looking between Maddie and David for reassurance.

Mickie:  This is not a rich parish, so any programs outside the basic have to be self-supporting.  That goes way back.  That means that, let's say for baseball, which is our next sport to begin, a child's registration fee has to cover everything - uniforms, maintenance and upkeep of the fields, league fees etc.  Sometimes we get donations from businesses in the area, but mostly we're on our own.

Maddie:  Coach's salaries?

Mickie:  You're not Catholic, are you?  I'm sorry, Maddie, that wasn't a snipe….but a cardinal rule of a Catholic parish is never pay for help you can get for free.  Most of our programs are run by volunteers.

Maddie:  So, the volunteers handle the money?

Mickie:  As well as the entire bookkeeping system.  And all the arrangements that go along with all the sports programs.  Basically, all I've ever had to do is show up and cheer…..a perfect system.  Until about a month ago, that is.

David:  What changed?

Mickie:  I started to get phone calls, inquiring politely about when we were going to pay for things we've had done - a major overhaul on the field, a large uniform order, a few others.  At first, I just assumed it was an oversight and referred them to the athletic committee.  But then there were repeat phone calls.  I took the time and listened.  It seems most of our major bills have not been paid for over six months.  A couple things were especially disturbing - the money for the field work was donated by a parishioner…..I accepted the check myself, and I know it has been cashed.

David:  How much?

Mickie:  Eleven thousand dollars.

David:  Nothing to scratch and sniff at.

Maddie:  Have you tried to investigate any of this?

Mickie:  That's the hard part……this has to be handled very discreetly.  The Catholic church and scandal definitely don't mix.  In fact, I`d prefer that nobody else know a single thing about this, except for the three of us.

Maddie:  We'll take the case.

Mickie:  Thank you so much.

David laughs.

David:  Don't get so excited….she always says that!  OK, Mick, can you get us access to the books?

Mickie:  Don't you think that might arouse suspicion?

Maddie:  Let's try it this way…can you give us a list of the people who have access to the books?  We can do some background investigation…see if it looks like one of them has acquired some extra money recently - new car, fur coat, big vacation.

David:  See why I love her…she's brilliant!!

Mickie:  David Addison using the "L" word…….never thought I'd see the day.

Maddie:  Hey you two…….I'm in the room!

Mickie:  Sorry, Maddie.  OK, let me get the information from my files.  Name, address, social security number????

Maddie:  Perfect…..if there are any women, maiden name would help also.

Mickie pulls some files, and starts to make a list.  David is standing looking out the window, and Maddie walks over to join him.  They watch the kids, running, laughing, playing jump rope.

Maddie:  Sweet, huh?

David:  Know what I've always wanted to do?  Take a whole bunch of dollar bills, and stand in the middle of a group full of kids and toss it in the air.

Mickie overhears.

Mickie:  You will not, Mr. Addison.

David:  Now, there was the nun voice.  I'm impressed.

Mickie:  I'm not kidding, David.  The insurance company would be on me like a duck on a bug if I let you do anything like that.

David:  Spoilsport.

Mickie:  Why don't you come to our assembly on Friday?  We're showing a movie -if you want to toss your money around, I'll let you buy a round for the house - soft pretzels and orange drink for all.

David:  You've got a deal.

Mickie hands Maddie the paper.

Mickie:  OK, here are the names.  Just three people, so it shouldn't be too much work.  I don't know how to thank you two.

David:  Don't worry about it, you're just collecting on IOUs, sister.

Maddie:  We'll have our investigator in L.A. get right on this.

David:  Our investigator - haha.  Remember Stinky O'Brian……Mick, this guy looks just like him….only with obscene amounts of facial hair.  

Maddie continues.

Maddie:  Mr. Viola will do an excellent job, and he is very discreet.

David:  Sometimes.

Maddie:  Anything else you can think of to help us?

Mickie:  I don't think so.

Maddie:  We should have some answers by the morning, and then we can decide what our next course of action will be.

Mickie:  Ok, great.  So what's on your agenda for the rest of the day?  

David:  Thought maybe I'd give Maddie a tour around the old neighborhood - show her Ninth Street, go down around the stadiums, maybe Roosevelt Park.

Mickie:  Have you ever been to Roosevelt Park in the daytime, Addison?  Don't buy any of that stuff about submarine races on the lake, Maddie.

Maddie:  Don't worry, I've got his number.  Mickie, can you join us for dinner tonight?

David interjects

David:  We're going to Pat's, no matter what she says……..

Mickie:   You've never been there in the daytime either, Addison.  But,  I'm sorry, I can't.  I've got a Confirmation meeting, and then another with the reunion committee to go over the final details.  We'll find some time before the end of the week, I promise.

David:  Or else, I'm coming back with a fistful of dollar bills, I promise.

He walks over and hugs her.

David:  I'm really glad you talked me into this, Shorty.  We'll get to the bottom of this for you.

Mickie:  Thanks David.  And, Maddie……

She gives Maddie a spontaneous hug.

Mickie:  I am so glad to meet you.  It's great to see that this guy is in fine hands.

David:  And fine hands they are indeed.  I could tell stories……….

Mickie and Maddie speak as one:

M&M:  Out, Addison!!

They laugh, as Maddie and David exit.

                         COMMERCIAL BREAK

Act IV

Scene:  In the Rittenhouse Hotel
      Wednesday morning

Maddie is seated at a vanity, fully dressed, putting on makeup.  David is sprawled across the bed, sheets wound around him.  We hear a noise, and he begins to stir.  Maddie gets up and opens the drapes, and the sunlight streams in.

David:  Hey…..what did you do that for?  What time is it?

Maddie (sarcastically):  Good morning dear?  How are you today?  

David:  Just answer the question…what time is it?

Maddie: Seven thirty.

David:  That's four thirty L.A. time.

Maddie:  We've been here long enough for you to be over the jet lag.

David:  I stay on L.A. time on purpose - no adjustment necessary.

Maddie:  Oh, I see.  So that's why you were so "active" at 2:30 this morning?

David grins.

David:  Yeah, wasn't it great?  But c'mon Maddie, that was only five hours ago.  Come back to bed with me.

Maddie:  David, we've got things to do.  Commitments we've made.

David:  Maddie, we're on vacation……..take a chill.

Maddie:  We've promised your friend Mickie to help her with her problem.

David:  And we will.  But later.  C'mon Maddie, Viola won't even be in the office for four hours.  We can't get the background information till then anyway.

Maddie:  Well, then we should go get breakfast, and be ready to jump right on it.

David:  I have an idea about how we should handle this case….jump right on it, so to speak.


Maddie:  Are you keeping it to yourself?

David:  Come over here and I'll tell you.

Maddie:  David…….

David:  Not a word, not a syllable, until you're sitting here beside me.

Maddie looks exasperatedly at him, then walks over to the bed.

Maddie:  I have no idea why I always let you do this to me.

She sits down.  He reaches over, and draws her back against him.

David:  Of course you do.  But a picture is worth a thousand words.

He kisses her, and starts to work the buttons on her blouse.

David:  One of us is overdressed here.

Maddie(weakly):  David, the case…….business?

David:  That's what I'm doing, getting down to business.  Anyway, those clothes aren't right for the undercover thing I have in mind, anyway…….. and speaking of under the covers…….

He tosses the sheet over the lens of the camera…..fade to black.

Scene:  In the rental car
             Late that afternoon

David again is driving, Maddie again in the passenger seat.

Both are sporting a very different look than the previous day.  David is clad all in black - boots, jeans, muscle shirt with a respectable exhibition of chest hair, under a black leather jacket.  Maddie is the big surprise here….hair teased as big as it was in season 1…….wearing tight black jeans, spiked heels, a sparkling silver belt, and a tight cropped top.

David looks over and starts to laugh.

David:  Oh baby, how you look.  A South Philly boy's dream.

Maddie:  I always let you talk me into these things at my…….shall we say, weakest moments.

David:  Trust me Maddie, this is gonna work.  Look, you're decked out in the best that K-Mart had to offer.  How can we lose?

Maddie:  People actually dress like this?  In March?  We'll both catch our death of cold.

David:  That's why PDA is big in the neighborhood.

Maddie:  PDA?

David:  Public display of affection.  People are hanging all over each other to keep each other warm.

Maddie:  As good an excuse as any, I suppose.  I hope I'm clear about what we're going to do here.

David: Well, it's basically open and shut…..this is probably the dumbest case we've ever had….and that's saying something.  I have no idea how this Dougherty guy thought he was gonna get away with this.  Must be stupid.

He looks over at Maddie.

David:  Anyway…..just follow my lead……you just have to act like the proud Mama - nothing is to good or too expensive for your little darling.  I'll do the rest.

Maddie:  I still can't believe I'm supposed to be somebody's mother dressed in this outfit.

David:  And you wonder why South Philly boys worship their mothers… we are………ready?

David pulls the car up in front of a small corner insurance office.   As they enter, a bell rings, and a voice comes from the back.

Voice:  Hang on, I'll be right with you.

Maddie and David look around the room.  It is outfitted with very generic metal office furniture….one desk and two chairs.  It is purely a functional office - no thought has been given to decorating.  David is examining a certificate on the wall when a man enters from an adjoining room.  He first sights Maddie.

Dougherty:  Well hello there.  I'm Pat Dougherty.

Maddie starts to open her mouth, but David walks up behind her and grabs her around the waist.  As he begins to speak, Maddie turns to gape at him……he is transformed into a swaggering tough guy with a heavy Philadelphia accent.

David:  Yo…….we talked on the phone.  Got your name from the nun at St. Phil's.  I'm Bruno Lombardi.

Dougherty:  Mr. Lombardi, how are you?  This is Mrs. Lombardi, I assume?

David:  Yeah, Carol.  Take a load off, hon.

He indicates one of the chairs, and seats himself in the other one.  He leans forward, legs spread, and his elbows on his knees.

David:  We were kind of surprised that we could take care of this at your office.

Dougherty:  Well, Bruno, can I call you Bruno?

David nods.

Dougherty:  You know about this volunteer stuff…sometimes you have to take care of it when you can.  And believe it or not, sometimes I make some good business contacts from this as well.  Everybody needs insurance.

David:  Right now, I need a baseball team for my kid.

Dougherty:  Right…….you said you're just moving back from out of town?

David:  Yeah, I grew up here, but the missus and I met in California, and we settled down there for a while.  Gave it a shot, but it's just too weird for me out there……especially trying to raise a boy.  So we're back, and we need to get Rocco settled on a team.

Dougherty:  Has he played before?

Maddie:  He is the best baseball player.  I know I might be prejudiced, but you should just see him.  

David reaches over and pats her on the knee.

David:  That's right honey, you tell him.

He shakes his head at Dougherty.

David:  She's a proud Mom, what can you do?  Pat, the kid is a natural.  He has been chosen for the All Stars for every single team he's ever played on.  In his last school, at ten years old, he was playing on the team with the eighth graders.  I tell you, Pat, this kid is gonna be in the Bigs, mark my word.

Dougherty:  Then we should be glad to have him.  There are an awful lot of talented kids on this team, I've just got to warn you.

David:  You're the coach, right.  Along with the treasurer of the athletic department?  So let's make a little deal.  Where's the papers we gotta fill out?

Dougherty hands him a clipboard.  David hands it to Maddie.

David:  Babe, how about you fill these out, and Pat and I are gonna take a walk?

Maddie looks at him, batting her eyes adoringly.

Maddie:  Sure thing, hon.

David and Dougherty walk out the door.  Maddie stands and tries to watch them out the window.  When they walk out of her sightline, she returns to the chair, furiously trying to yank down the too small top.  She sits and begins to fabricate answers for the paperwork.

David:  It's great, being back in the old neighborhood.  It never ever changes.

Dougherty:  I'm not originally from here……my wife grew up in the neighborhood.  But I like it….and the location's good - only ninety minutes from Wildwood.

David:  See, that's why I came back.  Beaches all over California, and none to compare to Wildwood.

Dougherty:  I just bought a house in North Wildwood……it's gonna be tight for a while, but there's nothing like a place at the shore.

David: You can say that again.  So, Pat, let's talk about this baseball team.  We gotta find a spot for my kid.  What's the registration fee?

Dougherty:  Forty bucks.  That takes care of uniform and league fees.

David ostentatiously pulls out a large wad of bills held by a gold money clip.  He peels off three hundred dollar bills and holds them out in front of Dougherty.

David:  Let's say I buy a little insurance…..that my kid ends up playing second base on that team.

Dougherty:  What business did you say you were in, Bruno?

David:  I didn't.  So have we got a deal?

Dougherty reaches out for the cash.

Dougherty:  Let's see what I can do.

David pats him on the shoulder.

David:  Good man.  Let's not discuss this little arrangement with the wife……she doesn't understand how business works, what a man has to do to make it in this world.

They approach the door of the office and enter.  Maddie makes a large production of chewing on the end of the pencil and looking perplexed.

Maddie:  Honey, I forgot his birth certificate.  Is that a big deal?  Look this over and see if I've got everything right?

David takes the clipboard and puts his arm around her.

David:  I'm sure it's fine, doll.  Pat here will take care of all the details, won't you Pat?

Dougherty:  No problem.  I'll be talking with you sometime next week to let you know about practice.  Until then, it's been a pleasure…….Bruno, Carol…..

They shake hands, and David and Maddie leave the office, and walk past the car, down the street a bit.

Maddie:  So what happened?

David:  He went for it, hook, line and three hundred smackers.

Maddie:  How can you be sure that if he took a bribe, he's responsible for all the rest?

David:  Had a little chat with the guy….man to man.  Just bought a house at the Jersey shore that might be just a little beyond his means.  I feel it in my gut, this is the guy who's trying to hoodwink Mickie.

Maddie:  Now, David, don't go off half cocked here…..

David:  Oh, yeah, right, I'm touching that line.

Maddie:  We need to decide exactly the right way to pursue this now……logically, sensibly - leaving out that "macho" attitude that you are remembering all too well.

David:  What do you mean?

Maddie:  I know you Addison…….you'd like nothing more than to charge ahead on your own, nail this guy, and get back at him for what he's done to Mickie.  But that's not what Mickie wants….this has to be handled quietly, discreetly.  If it ends up on the front page of the newspaper, it does her no good at all.

David:  Good point, Blondie.  So we go talk to Mickie and see what she wants us to do.

Maddie:  That's right, partner.

David:  Partner……you know, you don't call me that often enough.  I like the way that sounds.

Maddie:  Me too.  Listen, partner, it's getting late, and I refuse to meet Richie and Amy looking like this.  We need to get back to the hotel and change for dinner.

David:  Sure you don't wanna give Richie a thrill?

He plays off her look.

David:  Nah, I guess not.  After all, the guy is engaged. OK lady, you got it……..exit, stage right!

They get into the car, and pull away.

Scene:  In Fairmount Park
              About ten o'clock that evening.

The rental car pulls up in the vicinity of a beautiful building…….a large white monument, flooded with lights.  David, Maddie, Richie and Amy emerge from the car.

Richie:  Yo, Dave, what are we doing here?

David:  I want to show Maddie something.

Richie:  The only thing you're gonna show her here is how to get mugged.  This place has changed a lot since you used to live in the city.

David:  Amy, is he always such a pain in the posterior?  Can't I show the lady one of my fond childhood memories without you being a jerk?  Sit in the car if you don't want to be out here.

Amy:  C'mon Richie, let David and Maddie look around a bit.  We'll find someplace to sit.

She smiles apologetically at David, and leads Richie off muttering……

Richie:  Sit where?  Here, outside? It's March, for cripes sakes.

David and Maddie walk arm in arm in the light of the building.

David:  Man, that woman has got her hands full.  How is she ever gonna put up with him?

Maddie looks at him, an amused expression on her face.

Maddie:  I can't imagine…..maybe she loves him.

David looks over at her and pulls her closer.

David:  Yeah, maybe.  I still think they are a little too gaga over this wedding and everything.  It's a train wreck waiting to happen.

Maddie:  Maybe not…….things happen differently for different people.

David:  Still, this big hoopla of a wedding.  I wish we could just skip the whole thing.

Maddie: Well that's not likely…since you are the best man, and I'm a newly ordained bridesmaid.  That caught me by surprise.

David:  No excuse handy, huh?

Maddie:  No it's fine.  What's one more overdone bridesmaid dress in my closet?  Or I could have faith….maybe Amy will be the perfect bride and pick something nice.  Of course, the smart bride picks the ugly dresses, so she isn't overshadowed on her big day.

She smiles at David.

Maddie:  How bad could it be?  At the very least, it's a weekend in the Bahamas.

David:  I'll remind you that you said that……….disaster follows Richie like a bloodhound.  Mark my words, something will go wrong.

Maddie:  So what did you want to show me here?

David:  Something really cool.  That's Memorial Hall.  It was built to honor the Civil War heroes.  The building has been used for all different kinds of things - I played some basketball here when I was a kid.  I think it's pretty much abandoned now.  But what I want to show you is down here.

He leads her to a curved stone bench, behind a large stone memorial.

David:  That's the Smith Memorial, and this………

He waves his hand towards the bench.

David:  This is the whispering bench.

Maddie:  I'll bite.

David:  Later on that one.  Do you mean, why is it the whispering bench?

Maddie:  Yes.

David:  It has to do with the way it's constructed - the curve.  Voices roll around the curve, and if you sit at one end, you can hear everything that is being said from the other end, even if it is whispered.  Look I'll show you.  Sit right there, and I'll walk over to the other side.

Maddie sits on the bench and all at once, gets a curious expression on her face.  She motions for David to sit beside her.  They can hear voices.

Voices:  I told you, he's cracked…….he was dropped on his head.   Why the hell would he want to come here?  

     Richie, just calm down.  You get so nuts about your brother.  (seductively)  Can't you think of anything else you'd like to do while we're alone in the dark?

     Mmmmmm….Ames, just like that baby……let me reach….

Maddie and David, listening, start to giggle.

Voices:  Rich…..honey, do you hear something?  Somebody laughing?

Maddie and David dissolve into hysterical laughter, and hardly able to stand, struggle towards the car.

Richie stands, and shouts towards where David and Maddie are fleeing.

Richie:  David, you stinking eavesdropper, I'm gonna break your legs.

David:  Hey Romeo, get a room!

David and Maddie lean against the car, laughing.

David:  So, I guess you've figured out the concept of the whispering bench?  We sure had a lot of fun with that as teenagers.  Guess Rich forgot how it works.

Maddie:  Think he'll be mad for long?

David:  Doesn't matter….it's time to drop them off anyway.  Know why?

Maddie shakes her head no, as David leans over and kisses her on her nose.

David:  Cause we've already got a room……let's go.

                    COMMERCIAL BREAK

Act V  

Scene:  Pat Dougherty's Insurance Agency
              Friday morning.

Pat Dougherty sits at his desk, when he hears the bell on the opening door.  He looks up and smiles at Sister Mickie Berardi, who has just entered.

Dougherty:  Good morning, Sister. I was surprised to hear from you……….

His voice trails off as he sees Maddie enter behind Mickie.

Maddie:  Did you say surprised, Mr. Dougherty?

Dougherty:  Mrs. Lombardi, this is a nice surprise.

Maddie:  The name is Hayes, Madolyn Hayes.  From the Blue Moon Detective Agency.

Dougherty starts to stammer.

Dougherty:  De….de…detective agency?

David enters the door.

David:  Detective agency, Dougherty.

Maddie:  May I introduce my partner, David Addison.

Dougherty:  Impossible.  David Addison takes up the collection with me at the ten thirty mass on Sunday.

David:  That's David Addison, Senior.  I'm the prodigal son, returned from California.

Dougherty:  I don't know what this is all about.

David:  Oh, don't you?  Well, why don't we all have a seat, and we'll discuss it.  Ladies.

He gestures for them to take chairs, and perches on the arm of Maddie's.

Mickie:  Mr. Dougherty, Mr. Addison is an old friend of mine, who I have asked here to help me with a problem I seem to be having.

Dougherty:  What concern is that of mine?

David:  We were hoping it wasn't your concern, until you took that three hundred dollars from me the other day.

Dougherty:  I'm sorry…….three hundred dollars???  I don't know what you're talking about?

David starts to rise, raising his voice.

David:  What kind of crap are……….

Maddie grabs David's arm and yanks him back, almost into her lap.

Maddie:  What Mr. Addison means, Mr. Dougherty, is that you know as well as we do, that you accepted three hundred dollars from him the other day, in order to guarantee our "son" a place on the baseball team.  Now if we have misinterpreted, and that three hundred dollars represented registration fees and such, well then, we owe you an apology.  All you need to do is show us the entries in the books that shows that money was deposited to the parish athletic account.

Dougherty:  I don't need to show you the books.

Mickie:  But you do need to show me the books, Mr. Dougherty.

Dougherty:  After all this time…after all the time I've volunteered and all the things I've done for the church, my word isn't good enough?

Mickie:  I'm afraid not.  There are too many inconsistencies.

Dougherty:  I'm not showing you the books.

David:  Dougherty, you stupid…….

Maddie yanks on his arm again.

David:  OK, pal, then you'd better pick up that phone and get a good attorney, because you've got a lot of explaining to do.  We're not just talking about three hundred dollars here, and you know it.

Maddie:  Mr. Dougherty, we've got some pretty definitive proof here that in excess of eighteen thousand dollars has been embezzled from the athletic fund in the last six months - money that should have gone to pay bills for uniforms and field repairs…bills that are still unpaid, although the money earmarked for them is missing.  This doesn't include any other cash payments, similar to the ones you took from Mr. Addison on Wednesday.

Dougherty:  You've got nothing on me.

Maddie:  Oh, but you're wrong Mr. Dougherty.  We've got some pretty interesting deposits to your personal checking account, similar amounts to what we're talking about here.  They seem to be right around the time you purchased your shore house.  Coincidental?  I think not.

Dougherty is now sweating profusely.

Maddie:  And, we also have information that seems to indicate a rather sudden move from your last home in Phoenix, after a similar incident happened in a Catholic church there.  Shall I go on?

He remains silent.

Maddie:  You can't dismiss me as just some dumb blonde this afternoon, Mr. Dougherty….I need some answers.

Dougherty:  You think you've got all the answers, don't you, you bit……

His voice is cut off by David's arm against his windpipe.

David:  Unless you don't need those teeth anymore, you'd better not think of addressing either of these ladies that way again.  You're a slimy snake, stealing money from kids and the church., and in my opinion, you should fry.  If I were you, I'd sit still and listen to what they have to say.

Maddie:  Mr. Dougherty, if this were to become public, it would not do any good for either you or St. Philomena's.  You would probably end up serving jail time, and it would not help the church to get back its money any sooner.  So we have a proposition for you.

Dougherty:  I'm listening.

David:  You sign a confession, and a promissory note for twenty thousand dollars.

Dougherty:  Twenty thousand?

     Maddie:  Mr. Dougherty, I believe you've skimmed off quite a bit more, but we
     will settle for the twenty thousand.

     Dougherty:  And what happens to me?

Maddie:  Nothing, if you meet the terms of repayment.  Hopefully, you will take the opportunity to relocate.  Regardless, we will expect regular payments, or we will turn the information over to the authorities.

Mickie:  And whether you relocate or not, you are no longer welcome at St. Philomena's.

Dougherty puts his head in his hands and rubs his eyes.

Dougherty:  What choice do I have?

Mickie:  You can choose to repay your debt, and try to make something out of your life, Mr. Dougherty.

Dougherty:  Give me the papers.  I'll sign them.

He scribble his signature on the proferred papers, and hands them back to Maddie.  

Maddie:  Here is your copy.  It outlines a payment arrangement, and gives you information on getting in touch with our firm if you relocate, or have any other questions or problems.

Dougherty drops the papers on his desk, and looks up to see David standing in front of his desk.

David:  You are one lucky sucker, Dougherty.  Get a grip……and get your act together.  And if you don't keep your word, I'll find you.  I guarantee it.

David and Maddie walk out the door.  Mickie looks back at Dougherty his head now on the desk.

Mickie:  God help you, Mr. Dougherty.

She exits.


Scene:  The reunion
              Saturday evening.

The church hall is full of people from the oldest to the youngest parishioner .  There are tables full of food, and men carrying pitchers of beer back and forth to the tables.  A DJ table sits on the stage, and the dance floor is packed.

David stands on the edge of the floor, watching Maddie dance with a short, bald man.  She smiles and laughs at something he says, then waves at David as they glide by.

Mickie walks over and slides her arm through David's.

Mickie:  Is it tough being the escort of the belle of the ball?

David laughs.

David:  She looks great.  She's as at home here as she is at a fancy L.A. party.  I never would have believed it.

Mickie:  How come?

David:  Look at me, Mick, I'm a schlub. A South Philly bozo.  How did I ever get so lucky?

Mickie:  David Addison!  A schlub….not likely!  Know what I see when I look at you?  A genuine, fun loving catch of a guy who is absolutely head over heels about that woman out there.  Why would you think any lady wants more than that?

David:  Thanks, Mick.

Mickie:  And don't let me ever hear you knock South Philadelphia again, Addison, or I'll come up with a special punishment for you.

David:  You're sounding like a nun again.

Mickie:  A nun who loves you.  And who is very grateful for all you've done.

David:  Ah shucks, it was nothing.  Hey do nuns dance?

Mickie:  Do bears bear?  Do bees be?  I've got to go check on a couple of things.  Meet me back here in an hour for the twist contest.  Meanwhile, go dance with the pretty lady before Mr. Santini bores her to death.

She walks away.  Before David can move, he is accosted by Justin, the little boy from Wednesday.

Justin:  Hey, Mr. Anderson.

David:  Addison, kiddo.

Justin:  Mr. Addison.  Having a good time?

David:  Better than I expected.  How about you?

Justin:  Yeah, I've had sixteen cokes, and watched Jeffrey blow orange soda out his nose.

David:  One of the best days of your young life, huh?  Let me give you a word of advice, kid.  If they have one of these shindigs when you're an old guy like me, don't throw the invitation in the trash.  Promise?

Justin:  Promise.  Can I ask you a favor?

He flashes David a charming smile.

Justin:  Can I dance with your girlfriend?

David:  Wait your turn, Junior.

David strides across the dance floor to Maddie, who is making small talk with a tall elderly gentleman.

David:  Hey, Mr. Santini, I just saw Mrs. Oliveri coming in with a huge platter of cannoli.

Mr. Santini:  Well, I'd better go check that out.  Thanks for the dance, young lady.

Maddie smiles at David.

Maddie:  He took off so fast.  Should I be insulted?

David:  You can't compete, sweetheart.  A rich widow with baked goods…it's like flies to honey.

Maddie:  I can't bake.

David:  But you sure can cook.  C'mon doll face, let's trip the light fantastic.

He pulls her into his arms and begins to sway with the music.  She rests her head on his shoulder.

David:  You having a good time?

Maddie:  I'm having a wonderful time.  I have met such lovely people.  And everyone of them has a story about you.

David:  Uh oh, more ammunition.

Maddie:  You must have been a sweet child.

David:  No more beer for you.

Maddie:  That's the way they remember it.

David:  Let's take their word for it.

Maddie calculates for a moment, then speaks.

Maddie:  I don't know why I was so worried about coming here.

David:  You were worried?

Maddie:  Our backgrounds are so different - I was afraid I wouldn't fit in.

David:  No, you?  I knew you'd be a hit.  But you're not disappointed with all of this?

Maddie:  I've loved this whole week……every time I turn the corner, I see you, and what this place has contributed to the person you are. Maybe if my life had been a little different, I might be a little more relaxed, huh?

David:  When we work together, we can get you pretty relaxed.

Maddie:  Guess the important thing is not where we come from, but what we become huh??

David:  You said a mouthful.  Now do me a favor.

Maddie:  What?

David:  Close that pretty mouth and lets dance.  

He gives her a peck on her mouth, as the music rises, and Frank Sinatra sings.

          How little we know! How much to discover
          What chemical forces flow from lover to lover
          How little we understand what touches off that tingle
          That sudden explosion when two tingles intermingle.

          Who cares to define what chemistry this is?
          Who cares, with your lips on mine, what ignorance bliss is?
          So long as you kiss me, and the world around us shatters.
          How little it matters, how little we know.

          How little we understand what touches off that tingle
          That sudden explosion when two tingles intermingle.

          Who cares to define what chemistry this is?
          Who cares, with your lips on mine, what ignorance bliss is?
          So long as you kiss me, and the world around us shatters.
          How little it matters, how little we know.
          How little we know.
          How little we know.

                         FREEZE FRAME


Scene:  LAX
             Sunday evening

     Maddie and David stumble down the jetway , and emerge into the busy terminal.  They are laden with carry-on luggage, and both seem sleepy, and irritable.

Maddie:  We need to find a porter, or a luggage cart or something.

David tries to flag down a porter, who blatantly ignores him.

David:  Yo buddy………somebody, anybody.

Maddie:  You had to bring all those Tasty cakes, didn't you?

David:  Hey, don't blame it on me.  Those butterscotch krimpets are yours, babe.

Maddie drops the bags and they land with a crash on the floor.

Maddie:  I wish I could just click my heels , and I would be at home.

David:  That only works if you live in Kansas, kiddo.  C'mon, give me that big bag, and you take the smaller ones.  We're not getting anywhere standing here.

Maddie places her hand on his arm.

Maddie:  David, look at all this.

They look out onto the crowded terminal, people rushing, pushing, shoving……everybody in a hurry, and looking extremely unhappy.

David:  Yeah, so what?

Maddie:  I think, on the whole, I'd rather be in Philadelphia.

They share a smile, and then shouldering their bags, make their way, hand in hand towards baggage claim.

                         FREEZE FRAME

                                   THE END

Thanks as usual to my virtual compadres for their encouragement:

To Dana, who started this whole wild ride

To Sue, who inspired bits of this story, and didn't even know it.

To Sarah, for the drunken sloth, for our fabulous website, and because she is always funny and clever.

And especially Lizzie, who I tortured all day Sunday, because I trust her judgment most of all.  Her support means more than I could ever say.

Weren't we all lucky to collide on the Blue Moon in cyberspace?

And thanks to all our readers….it wouldn't be worth much without you………….